'Are Most People Liars and Fakes?'

Curiosity is the cure to confusion.

Robert Plant, 1973. Photo credit: James Fortune

Hi Polly,

This is such a stupid and naive question, but I felt like writing to you.

Do a lot of people lie about their accomplishments and overall happiness? Are a lot of people manipulative or withholding? Having now entered the workforce, I have noticed many peculiar behaviors. People straight up lie on their resume to obtain lucrative positions. Moreover, when I email HR about other internal positions or promotions, they legitimately ignore my emails until I repeatedly nudge them. It’s like they don’t want anyone to get ahead. I think a lot of my coworkers also don’t want to help other people, or be generous with their time thinking they will be taken advantage of. The problem is that we are all working on the same project!!

I have also met other people outside of work recently who feel that admitting any sort of flaw is a sign of weakness or failure. They never want to admit that they are tired or overwhelmed with life. There is also so much weird jealousy over people who make more money, or have better cars. The jealousy thing makes me so uncomfortable. I think too much of it can turn into self-victimization.

I don’t know... I guess university was nothing like this. My classmates were all genuinely happy and supportive of each other. I’m not saying that I am a better person than everyone at work or anything. I also have my insecurities and shame that I have to work on. I also want to look put-together. I am just so tired of all these mind games and work politics. I find the coldness from others to be isolating and hurtful. I feel like life is so hard and confusing, and wish everyone would just admit it rather than trying to portray perfection. I don’t want to become hardened by the corporate world. I want to be kind and honest.

I don’t know, I’m just rambling.

Confused

Dear Confused,

Sometimes you need to ramble in order to find your footing. Cue “Ramble On” by Led Zeppelin: Perfect percussive guitar riff, perfect bass line, ethereal voice that goes from a whisper to a hoarse howl.

Ah, sometimes I grow so tired
But I know I’ve got one thing I got to do

RAMBLE ON.

How do you feel when you listen to this song? If you feel nothing, maybe you never associated Led Zeppelin with anything vibrant or odd or seductive. You saw “Almost Famous” and you thought that it was about Led Zeppelin but they seemed like dirt bags. You saw “Thor” so you’ve heard “Immigrant Song.” Your friend’s Instagram story featured the start of “That’s the Way.”

The way something enters your consciousness affects the depth and richness of your experience. On Instagram or in a Marvel movie, Led Zeppelin might feel like a boring Boomer artifact repurposed out of greed or an attempt to seem cool. My reference to “Ramble On” might strike you as myopic nostalgia.

Likewise, in the context of a corporate office, it’s very easy for other people to seem cold or unfeeling. The way communication is structured impedes deep connections and nuanced interactions. There are few opportunities to RAMBLE ON.

Transitioning from college to the corporate world is impossibly hard, a brutal shock to the system. Everything that’s celebrated and embraced in college is discouraged and rejected in the workplace. You feel like you have to power down everything fresh and vibrant and honest about yourself just to survive.

The people around you seem impatient.

Are you impatient, too?

Let’s test your patience by watching Robert Plant perform “Ramble On” on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert two months ago. Robert Plant is 77 years old.

It’s a dangerous thing, to witness someone whose music you love getting older and continuing to perform. But goddamn, the man still has some magic left in him. His voice isn’t thin and broken, it’s full and powerful. Who is this lady with the accordion and why isn’t she getting on my nerves?

If you don’t stop and watch the video, you might have a negative impression of an aging rock star belting out a tune from his glory days. The moral: Patiently watching changes everything.

At work, when you’re just trying to get through the day, you aren’t open to seeing tiny glimmers of kindness and honesty. Everyone looks manipulative, selfish, and disingenuous. Everyone seems to lie to get ahead. Even out of the office, people appear shallow, empty, and fickle.

Of couse you aren’t entirely wrong. The truth is that many people are not only self-involved and cold, but they’re also so fucking boring. They’re uninspired, they’re unoriginal, they’re undercooked, they’re underwhelming. They do what’s in front of them and that’s all. The motherfuckers never ramble on! They don’t show you who they are. They don’t listen. They don’t take time to reveal their layers.

But is that the whole pictture? Even though you might be 95% sure that you’re surrounded by materialistic strivers, you’re still about 5% uncertain. You don’t know them that well. So you should always return to that 5% inside your brain, that small corner of space that says that

I JUST DON’T KNOW.

and

THESE THINGS ARE UNKNOWABLE.

and

OTHER PEOPLE ARE SOMETIMES ILLEGIBLE.

For now, move into that loose, open pasture that represents the 5% of your brain that is uncertain, that can’t read these people, that isn’t sure that they’re ALL bad and jealous and shallow. Let them be whatever they are.

Accepting imperfect, incomplete, uncertain places in your mind and in your heart is very difficult. You want the kindness and community you felt in college but it feels like it’s long gone. You’re nostalgic for what you had before, and now you have to compromise and accept less. You have to work with what you have.

Here’s what that looks like: Led Zeppelin performing “Ramble On” in 2007.

Robert Plant is 59 years old. Jimmy Page is 63. They’re getting older and they’re probably a little hesitant to go on the road at all, because touring probably reminds them of how old they are. They’re painfully aware of everything that’s missing.

Sometimes what’s MISSING is more prominent than what’s actually there. That’s where you are, too. You’re in a state of mourning for the past. You’re wondering, IS THIS ALL I GET?

It’s a challenge to keep showing up when you feel that way. But let’s slow the fuck down and watch for a second. Do they seem unhappy?

No. They’re working with what they have.

If you watched that video and still felt nothing, though, we might need to travel back to 1995, when Robert Plant (46) and Jimmy Page (51) played “Ramble On” in Birmingham.

These motherfuckers are a lot younger, and they sound more like the Led Zeppelin you hear on Instagram today. That said, Robert Plant seems to be singing the wrong words. His hair looks frizzy. To be fair, we didn’t have good hair products in the 90s. Jimmy Page seems okay but… do these guys even get along? Is Robert Plant drunk?

Okay I did some research. Robert Plant quit drinking in the late 70s after the death of his son. Bassist John Paul Jones also quit around that time. Jimmy Page continued to drink and it sometimes caused trouble, but Plant said that the 1995 tour brought them closer together.

In other words, I was wrong. I filled in the parts of the story that I didn’t know, and my inventions were inaccurate.

I did this constantly when I was your age. So even though I’m tempted to say LEAVE THIS TERRIBLE JOB! FUCK THESE PEOPLE! FIND YOUR TRIBE! THEY DO EXIST! BE PATIENT AND KEEP LOOKING! I also want to take this opportunity to unclench your mind from these rigid, repeating stories about the people around you, because these stories aren’t serving you well. I want you to take the risk of paying MORE attention to what you don’t know than what you know. I want you to cultivate your curiosity.

Find someone at work who makes sense to you. Slow down and listen closely. Dare to make connections with someone who sounds more humane and idealistic than the others. That will take time. But you have time. Instead of focusing on what doesn’t work (unhelpful people in HR, superficial new friends), keep branching out.

Attune yourself to the mysteries behind the flat, boring, obvious story in front of you. Find the romance underneath your uninspired, ungenerous surroundings.

That’s how you resist the urge to become cold and selfish. That’s how you keep your kindness and your honesty. You keep asking good questions. You keep trying to accept what you don’t know and what’s UNKNOWABLE. You stop explaining and practice being ILLEGIBLE to others. You back away from fixations and obsessions and unsolvable problems that only keep you stuck, and you move forward with an open heart instead.

You say

Ah, sometimes I grow so tired

And then you remember to get up and get out into the world in spite of everything.

But I know I’ve got one thing I got to do

RAMBLE ON

You have so many emotions swirling around inside you that it’s easy to feel hurt and lost and lonely. It’s SO FUCKING EASY to feel that way, particularly right now, in your 20s, the most difficult time in your whole life.

But all of that turmoil includes passion and excitement. And it would be a huge shame not to relish that energy and even that uncertainty. As harrowing as your life is right now, it’s also so dramatic and so beautiful. Some part of you is aching to honor that.

In your letter, you apologize for rambling when you’ve barely said anything at all. Is that how you are? Do you need to give yourself more space to ramble? Do you need to express yourself more freely to people you trust? Do you need to show your true desires in honest and kind ways more often instead of protecting yourself? Do you assume you’ll get hurt if you open your mouth?

Should you say more? Should you show more? Can you remind yourself that rejection isn’t personal, that being ignored is a big part of being alive, that cold people and selfish people and shallow people are irrelevant, as long as you’re true to yourself, as long as you’re standing up for yourself, as long as you’re showing up, day after day, and saying

I WILL BE KIND NO MATTER WHAT.

I WILL EMBODY MY VALUES.

I WILL SHOW MY HEART.

What does that look like? In order to know, we need to watch Led Zeppelin perform “Over The Hills and Far Away” in 1973. They never performed “Ramble On” live back then, but this song is pretty amazing, too. Robert Plant is 24. Jimmy Page is 29.

Robert Plant is not wearing a shirt. He looks good, my friend, very very good. Dirty good, 1973 good. He says “This is a track about, uh… I suppose it’s about you and me and everybody. You’ve probably written one just the same.”

We are all the same. I’ll show my heart, and I’ll see yours.

And then they start the song. My god. Jimmy Page unleashes a symphony orchestra in one guitar. How long did it take, to learn to play that way? How much patience and practice was required, to become someone who could stand and deliver like that? Imagine having the discipline and the vision for that. Imagine how much belief in yourself that would require. What were the people around him saying about his guitar obsession when he was a kid? How many people called him a freak for caring so much about music before he landed on that stage?

To touch something divine in this life, you have to cultivate faith in yourself in spite of rejection, ignorance, indifference, jealousy, and greed. You have to tune out the noise and focus on what you believe in.

You’re young and sensitive and you’re learning what you care about, what you value, what you want from life. You’re overflowing with fears, hopes, strong opinions, and passion. Don’t shrink away from where you are, even when it disappoints you. Sway under the golden spotlights and believe for a moment that someone out there understands exactly what you’re trying to say. Show yourself in spite of the pain. Take risks in spite of the rejection. Keep it moving until you find what works for you.

The outside world doesn’t define you. You define yourself. Make sure your heart is showing.

Polly

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