It's so easy to believe that if we just behaved perfectly (including perfectly self-assured and self-advocating) then everyone else will behave and life will go smoothly. I love this example of continuing to speak the truth, to reject shame, especially from within the publishing industry which is often so opaque. Thank you!
I work in contracts and often I do think it comes down to clarity (which is actually exceptionally hard to capture in words!) but there are undeniably times and it sounds like this is one - when boundaries are pushed with “let’s just do it and hope they don’t notice/don’t want to push the boulder uphill that is required for consequences” and it really really sucks but it’s a very clear data point on character. Even if it IS a mistake it is a lack of care. Weirdly the default I’ve seen is to criticize the person who was wronged for being too unforgiving with some sort of “we’re all human” message that dodges responsibility instead of just offering to remedy the mistake.
This is totally unfair and absolutely typical (and as you say, ironic) that you've had to battle for recognition of your own work (?!?). I just left a comment boosting your, er, role in the proceedings on the YouTube!
It reminded me of when I won quite a big award for my debut novel, and the paperback was due to come out in a few weeks. I asked the publishing company's sales team if they could add a sticker to paperback covers about the award, as it would, in my view, boost sales. They ignored me, mostly because (as I finally realised) they all disliked my editor and didn't really want to do anything for her books. Literally nothing. I tried one more time, meekly and politely, almost like "I'm so sorry to bother you" vibes, before being ignored again and giving up.
I look back at that and can't believe I wasn't more able stand up for myself and get the credit I was due! I'll never do that again, and this is a reminder – as you said, to cultivate more courage of conviction under pressure next time. If I can...
I needed this today. I have really been struggling in my day - to - day work with fearing potential consequences of not being the nice person with malleable ( read non-existent) boundaries. I am a college instructor and student ratings of my classroom performance are very critical for me professionally. As a somewhat younger looking woman, I feel students expect me to be capital N - Nice all the time, even when being nice would not be the correct approach to help them learn.
Your words give me hope but also steel me for an uphill battle. It will probably never get easy, but over time, I am hoping I can shed my "nice" skin more fearlessly! Thank you, Polly - much love, and I hope to see a public apology from Letters Live soon.
Oh my god, I saw the video on my Instagram recommendation yesterday and when I noticed they're reading my favorite column in the whole internet I was so pumped up! Initially I thought it was an old video because I didn't hear anything about it from you recently. When I noticed that it's new, I got this strange feeling that something's off for some reason. Now we know why, damn.
Electricity! Chills! Yes! Why does it take us so long to get to this synched up understanding? And then maintain the energy to act accordingly.
What I love most about this paradox is THIS is what makes you you and the strength of your work moving enough to want to re-translate.
What mixed messages. What lazy, low bar thinking on the part of whomever willfully ignored you. I believe the way you work is *part* of the work itself, obviously allowing for the complexity of reality, and our jobs are not our measure of goodness, but it’s also like… TRY, people. Try harder:
“They want their lives to be easy, they need certain other relationships to remain intact, and if it’s more convenient for them to convince you that the problem is YOU, that’s the path they’ll choose.”
My fairytale and primal free association with this story is when Elphaba in Wicked just becomes diffuse and literally levitates (flies!) herself out to space when she puts all the mixed messages together. It’s magnetic.
this sucks and I'm sorry you had to go through it!! but I hope you can summon the sense of humor to laugh about it one day, because the irony of this whole thing is too much lol
Gah, that reminds me of the quote "Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them." I also had a stalker who came after me for being a visible female speaking her mind, so I know how you feel. I try to remind myself that there's no perfect "stalker-proof" behavior, since many women get stalked simply for existing and breathing.
I'm so mad on your behalf!! bookmarking this because I have been surrendering to shame with some similar experiences in my own life... I'm going to put pen to paper and try to release my rage/shame.
THIS. Oh golly goodness THIS is the post I needed to read today.
Dealing with family probate nonsense and dealing with my personal income generating business and feeling like a B*TCH for standing up and saying, "No, I will not accept your lowball offer. No, I will not continue to work for you if you won't pay me in accordance with out agreement. NO."
Politely. Professionally. But also not bending over with a grin, fluffing my curls. "Shall I pull my panties down for you, too, or would you rather rip them off me?"
Sadly, if I were raised as a cis het male, I'd probably not think twice about standing up for myself. It would just be what I did, f'r cry yi.
Love FKA Twigs, love Minnie Driver — I recommend people listen to her on the How to Fail pod, and love you, Heather. Sorry people are such knobs! Using an English turn of phrase because I’m in England and also maybe the people you dealt with are English 😂 Does anyone know if the show will be uploaded onto a podcast? I couldn’t find it on Apple Podcasts.
I just added your URL in a comment on the YouTube video. Polly fans, let's all do this!!
Thank you for sharing this. Helpful reminders and also will make me feel less alone next time it happens to me!
Yes
yes
yes
It's so easy to believe that if we just behaved perfectly (including perfectly self-assured and self-advocating) then everyone else will behave and life will go smoothly. I love this example of continuing to speak the truth, to reject shame, especially from within the publishing industry which is often so opaque. Thank you!
I work in contracts and often I do think it comes down to clarity (which is actually exceptionally hard to capture in words!) but there are undeniably times and it sounds like this is one - when boundaries are pushed with “let’s just do it and hope they don’t notice/don’t want to push the boulder uphill that is required for consequences” and it really really sucks but it’s a very clear data point on character. Even if it IS a mistake it is a lack of care. Weirdly the default I’ve seen is to criticize the person who was wronged for being too unforgiving with some sort of “we’re all human” message that dodges responsibility instead of just offering to remedy the mistake.
This is totally unfair and absolutely typical (and as you say, ironic) that you've had to battle for recognition of your own work (?!?). I just left a comment boosting your, er, role in the proceedings on the YouTube!
It reminded me of when I won quite a big award for my debut novel, and the paperback was due to come out in a few weeks. I asked the publishing company's sales team if they could add a sticker to paperback covers about the award, as it would, in my view, boost sales. They ignored me, mostly because (as I finally realised) they all disliked my editor and didn't really want to do anything for her books. Literally nothing. I tried one more time, meekly and politely, almost like "I'm so sorry to bother you" vibes, before being ignored again and giving up.
I look back at that and can't believe I wasn't more able stand up for myself and get the credit I was due! I'll never do that again, and this is a reminder – as you said, to cultivate more courage of conviction under pressure next time. If I can...
I needed this today. I have really been struggling in my day - to - day work with fearing potential consequences of not being the nice person with malleable ( read non-existent) boundaries. I am a college instructor and student ratings of my classroom performance are very critical for me professionally. As a somewhat younger looking woman, I feel students expect me to be capital N - Nice all the time, even when being nice would not be the correct approach to help them learn.
Your words give me hope but also steel me for an uphill battle. It will probably never get easy, but over time, I am hoping I can shed my "nice" skin more fearlessly! Thank you, Polly - much love, and I hope to see a public apology from Letters Live soon.
Oh my god, I saw the video on my Instagram recommendation yesterday and when I noticed they're reading my favorite column in the whole internet I was so pumped up! Initially I thought it was an old video because I didn't hear anything about it from you recently. When I noticed that it's new, I got this strange feeling that something's off for some reason. Now we know why, damn.
Electricity! Chills! Yes! Why does it take us so long to get to this synched up understanding? And then maintain the energy to act accordingly.
What I love most about this paradox is THIS is what makes you you and the strength of your work moving enough to want to re-translate.
What mixed messages. What lazy, low bar thinking on the part of whomever willfully ignored you. I believe the way you work is *part* of the work itself, obviously allowing for the complexity of reality, and our jobs are not our measure of goodness, but it’s also like… TRY, people. Try harder:
“They want their lives to be easy, they need certain other relationships to remain intact, and if it’s more convenient for them to convince you that the problem is YOU, that’s the path they’ll choose.”
My fairytale and primal free association with this story is when Elphaba in Wicked just becomes diffuse and literally levitates (flies!) herself out to space when she puts all the mixed messages together. It’s magnetic.
God I love that scene!
this sucks and I'm sorry you had to go through it!! but I hope you can summon the sense of humor to laugh about it one day, because the irony of this whole thing is too much lol
That's some serious irony. It's also just so shitty. Sorry to hear this happened.
Speak up!….unless it’s a really bad neighbor. Learned that after 2 years of stalking, vandalism and harassment.
Gah, that reminds me of the quote "Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them." I also had a stalker who came after me for being a visible female speaking her mind, so I know how you feel. I try to remind myself that there's no perfect "stalker-proof" behavior, since many women get stalked simply for existing and breathing.
I’m here and hissing, for all sorts of reasons. 💪❤️😤
I'm so mad on your behalf!! bookmarking this because I have been surrendering to shame with some similar experiences in my own life... I'm going to put pen to paper and try to release my rage/shame.
I am really needing this reminder today - thank you.
THIS. Oh golly goodness THIS is the post I needed to read today.
Dealing with family probate nonsense and dealing with my personal income generating business and feeling like a B*TCH for standing up and saying, "No, I will not accept your lowball offer. No, I will not continue to work for you if you won't pay me in accordance with out agreement. NO."
Politely. Professionally. But also not bending over with a grin, fluffing my curls. "Shall I pull my panties down for you, too, or would you rather rip them off me?"
Sadly, if I were raised as a cis het male, I'd probably not think twice about standing up for myself. It would just be what I did, f'r cry yi.
Love FKA Twigs, love Minnie Driver — I recommend people listen to her on the How to Fail pod, and love you, Heather. Sorry people are such knobs! Using an English turn of phrase because I’m in England and also maybe the people you dealt with are English 😂 Does anyone know if the show will be uploaded onto a podcast? I couldn’t find it on Apple Podcasts.
"knowing your own heart" i love it!!!