Hi, Oobe! I have a small practical suggestion to add to Polly’s (excellent, of course) big existential and emotional advice: gentle/beginner yoga. It should dovetail nicely with your mindfulness practice. I had chronic back problems through my thirties and well into my forties. When I started doing yoga, I chose a style that was punishingly difficult and intense and (shocker) it made my back pain worse. I kept pushing harder because, duh, yoga is good for you so I just needed to WORK HARDER at it. I quit after an episode of pain and muscle tension radiating out of my back through the rest of my body that left me bedridden for a week (while on vacation, no less). Eventually I found my way to a much more forgiving studio and style, and over time it did wonders for my relationship to my body generally and my ability to treat my back like a beloved but fussy little pet, which helped a lot. Something about the slow, deliberate movement, and the occasional gentle hand of an instructor helping me find a new alignment, allowed me over time to inhabit my flesh in a much fuller - and extremely non-intellectual, non-mental - way. Warmly recommend.
What a nice letter and response. And so I hate to be like, "yeah, that's nice, but have you considered taking pills?" But I also had a similar problem of lower back pain that was resistant to all manner of treatments, and what finally helped was low-dose tricyclic antidepressants, which you would usually only get with a fibromyalgia diagnosis. A lot of doctors are weird about the f-word because it's a vague condition and easy to over-diagnose, so I feel compelled to mention the possibility in case your doctors haven't.
Another practical suggestion to add to Moonstruck’s excellent advice. In addition to gentle yoga (Yoga with Adriene via YouTube), if you have not already done so, consider Dr. John Sarno’s book Healing Back Pain.
I really relate to this letter! I also have small-t trauma that still haunts me, even in my middle age. For very similar reasons. It's annoying how much it haunts me. Why am I 56-years-old and still mad at boys who bullied me in high school??
I absolutely agree with Polly's advice (as usual), the key is to commit to a few things that bring you joy (in my opinion). For me, those things are: yoga, collaging, creative writing, and baking.
I went about it the wrong way for many, many years. Since I was overwhelmed, exhausted, and feared failure all the time (and was also ashamed of my big emotions, as Oobe mentioned), I thought the remedy was to make my life as small, bare bones and empty as possible. Then, with a minimal existence and no scary challenges, I'd finally feel relaxed and free. Right?
Wrong, it turned out. After years and years of trying this (and it not working), it finally dawned on me that the opposite is true. You need to ADD things to your life to get more energy. The key is to add things that you love - those joyful activities will release the energy that fuels your life.
But, as Polly pointed out, you may not feel like you love or understand those things consistently. You need to commit to them anyway, because doing things like showing up for a yoga class, or submitting a piece of writing to an online magazine, or taking the time to make a collage and post it on Instagram or to bake something and share it with someone you love - all these will re-connect you with who you are and with your life source. Every time I do these things, I feel my world expanding.
Adding to Polly's advice, I would say - take a few days to ponder what things bring you joy. It could be spending time with dogs or cats, or walking in nature, or feeding pigeons, or playing games with friends, or really anything, as long as it feels joyful to you. Then take small, maybe even tiny, steps towards adding them into your life, every day or nearly every day.
Oh! One last thing. You don't have to be GOOD at these things. I kind of suck at baking. Sometimes I utterly fail at it. And I am always, always, by far the worst person in my yoga class. But yoga instructors tend to be incredibly kind, accepting people who support inclusivity. This isn't about achievement, just about adding joy to your life in daily increments.
Oobe, a huge game changer for myself (as someone diagnosed with Fibromyalgia aka I hurt and nobody knows why), was somatic therapy!!! I have done EFT tapping, brain spotting, and EMDR, and it has been leaps and bounds of improvement in so many ways - mental, physical, emotional. Looking into the concept of "regulating your nervous system," it can sound kind of "woo woo" or nonsensical, but it works! By God, does it work.
Somatic therapy is mostly geared towards healing trauma, and being a victim of bullying can definitely be a form of trauma. I loved the CBT and DBT I did before, but it only felt like a "halfway" point. Somatic therapy has helped me so much to connect my thinking and my feeling. If you haven't looked into it before, I absolutely recommend it.
Hi, Oobe! I have a small practical suggestion to add to Polly’s (excellent, of course) big existential and emotional advice: gentle/beginner yoga. It should dovetail nicely with your mindfulness practice. I had chronic back problems through my thirties and well into my forties. When I started doing yoga, I chose a style that was punishingly difficult and intense and (shocker) it made my back pain worse. I kept pushing harder because, duh, yoga is good for you so I just needed to WORK HARDER at it. I quit after an episode of pain and muscle tension radiating out of my back through the rest of my body that left me bedridden for a week (while on vacation, no less). Eventually I found my way to a much more forgiving studio and style, and over time it did wonders for my relationship to my body generally and my ability to treat my back like a beloved but fussy little pet, which helped a lot. Something about the slow, deliberate movement, and the occasional gentle hand of an instructor helping me find a new alignment, allowed me over time to inhabit my flesh in a much fuller - and extremely non-intellectual, non-mental - way. Warmly recommend.
What a nice letter and response. And so I hate to be like, "yeah, that's nice, but have you considered taking pills?" But I also had a similar problem of lower back pain that was resistant to all manner of treatments, and what finally helped was low-dose tricyclic antidepressants, which you would usually only get with a fibromyalgia diagnosis. A lot of doctors are weird about the f-word because it's a vague condition and easy to over-diagnose, so I feel compelled to mention the possibility in case your doctors haven't.
Another practical suggestion to add to Moonstruck’s excellent advice. In addition to gentle yoga (Yoga with Adriene via YouTube), if you have not already done so, consider Dr. John Sarno’s book Healing Back Pain.
I really relate to this letter! I also have small-t trauma that still haunts me, even in my middle age. For very similar reasons. It's annoying how much it haunts me. Why am I 56-years-old and still mad at boys who bullied me in high school??
I absolutely agree with Polly's advice (as usual), the key is to commit to a few things that bring you joy (in my opinion). For me, those things are: yoga, collaging, creative writing, and baking.
I went about it the wrong way for many, many years. Since I was overwhelmed, exhausted, and feared failure all the time (and was also ashamed of my big emotions, as Oobe mentioned), I thought the remedy was to make my life as small, bare bones and empty as possible. Then, with a minimal existence and no scary challenges, I'd finally feel relaxed and free. Right?
Wrong, it turned out. After years and years of trying this (and it not working), it finally dawned on me that the opposite is true. You need to ADD things to your life to get more energy. The key is to add things that you love - those joyful activities will release the energy that fuels your life.
But, as Polly pointed out, you may not feel like you love or understand those things consistently. You need to commit to them anyway, because doing things like showing up for a yoga class, or submitting a piece of writing to an online magazine, or taking the time to make a collage and post it on Instagram or to bake something and share it with someone you love - all these will re-connect you with who you are and with your life source. Every time I do these things, I feel my world expanding.
Adding to Polly's advice, I would say - take a few days to ponder what things bring you joy. It could be spending time with dogs or cats, or walking in nature, or feeding pigeons, or playing games with friends, or really anything, as long as it feels joyful to you. Then take small, maybe even tiny, steps towards adding them into your life, every day or nearly every day.
Oh! One last thing. You don't have to be GOOD at these things. I kind of suck at baking. Sometimes I utterly fail at it. And I am always, always, by far the worst person in my yoga class. But yoga instructors tend to be incredibly kind, accepting people who support inclusivity. This isn't about achievement, just about adding joy to your life in daily increments.
Good luck out there!
Oobe, a huge game changer for myself (as someone diagnosed with Fibromyalgia aka I hurt and nobody knows why), was somatic therapy!!! I have done EFT tapping, brain spotting, and EMDR, and it has been leaps and bounds of improvement in so many ways - mental, physical, emotional. Looking into the concept of "regulating your nervous system," it can sound kind of "woo woo" or nonsensical, but it works! By God, does it work.
Somatic therapy is mostly geared towards healing trauma, and being a victim of bullying can definitely be a form of trauma. I loved the CBT and DBT I did before, but it only felt like a "halfway" point. Somatic therapy has helped me so much to connect my thinking and my feeling. If you haven't looked into it before, I absolutely recommend it.