I don't know how you do it all! I'm still seeking work, still embarrassed about not having work, *angry* about it, and trying to be happy for all the newbs who just got their first academic jobs (many of which i applied for -- ouch!). But <deep breath> ... zinnias. Air conditioning. Netflix (sorry, but hey). <deep breath>. Wondering what's next and hope for the best for both, for all of us!
Small things! I am starting to learn this. The trouble is that it's so scary to let go of controlling/fixating upon the uncontrollable -- it feels like I'd be doing something *wrong,* surrendering my obsessive post. I know I'm not alone in this. Thanks for this message, which finds me on the kind of day when you call your therapist as she's buying coffee and egg + bacon bites: "maybe everything's fine, but maybe..." This comment enters intense territory next ------ someone died young, just now, the poet and essayist April Freely, once a collaborator of mine, and I don't know how she died so [certain ideas, images, fixations, follow] and I remembered, this same weekend, about childhood bullying that lasted years and I forgot about it, don't think I've told my partner of 12 years or best friend of 15. There's a meditation where you put the thoughts and memories into an imagined safe space -- mine is a growler, as for kombucha, but larger, made of deep-hibiscus hued glass tucked into my real-life clothes-strewn closet where I hid the real cookies for this weekend's pool party so my husband wouldn't eat them, then forgot to bring them at all. There is a bluegreen growler too (r*pe) and turmeric yellow (mother issues). I put them there, today, then, and I'd promised my therapist I'd call again if it got worse, which I will, this isn't asking for help, just wanting to be seen, just crawling through, like the rest of us, the terrain of the normal, which is dull now. But your zinnias look plausible <3
I am not even a dog person and I read Heather's piece once and was like... mm, maybe Heather translated the chihuahua story into what my kind can understand, I won't read the Prancer story, but then I read it and it was SO GOOD! I also appreciated your support of both Ariel and Prancer and got it better once I read it.
i'm so curious to hear about things that feel grounding to other people. it's been a turbulent time in my personal and professional life, but despite feeling like i desperately need grounding, i have no idea where to land. maybe i'm just in a particularly frazzled state these days, but i'm coming up blank. yoga? an old illustrated children's book? what helps other people when things are all out of sorts?
There are a lot of good techniques in the book 'The Language of Emotions'. It taught me the importance of grounding and boundary making. I never really used those techniques until things got really bad. Before that I was just trying to be a better version of myself. But when things hit the fan, her techniques started making more sense. All in all, it is a lovely book about accepting your emotions :)
Sometimes I feel like so much of my anxiety is routed in trying to 'feel' better than what I 'feel', or rather trying to be better than what I am instead of working with what I have? There is still some sort of an underlying resistance to my present. I think about how great my past was, and how I can change my future. But always the constant escape from the dreadgery of the present. All this is important, but it's hard to know where to draw the line? The constant questioning has to end, somehow. Looking back at my past, I could distinctly remember more 'adventurous' and fun times. But those were also the times when I was not criticizing myself, looking at my past, and thinking about my future, in order to reach some sort of an ideal of who and what I should be. Those were the times when I just let myself be, I let myself be weird and lonely and I let myself have stupid and silly defense mechanisms and I simply just let myself feel the frustration of the present moment.
At the risk of sounding like a crazy dog person, who isolates that one thing that is not the point out of your streamline-to-manageable-presence article, have you ever thought maybe your dog is in pain? My social, playful dog started getting defensive and nasty with other dogs, particularly puppies. It turns out that he has back problems and was protecting himself from being jumped on and injured. And...your zinnias are insane and so cheerful. Next time I comment I will go for the meat and put my best both-and, thinking forward. Your writing, and then on top of it sound therapy practices that your words decipher and translate so well, is exceptional.
Your writing is one of the "small things" that keeps me grounded - thank you for being here as well.
Zinnias! Lovely!
I don't know how you do it all! I'm still seeking work, still embarrassed about not having work, *angry* about it, and trying to be happy for all the newbs who just got their first academic jobs (many of which i applied for -- ouch!). But <deep breath> ... zinnias. Air conditioning. Netflix (sorry, but hey). <deep breath>. Wondering what's next and hope for the best for both, for all of us!
Small things! I am starting to learn this. The trouble is that it's so scary to let go of controlling/fixating upon the uncontrollable -- it feels like I'd be doing something *wrong,* surrendering my obsessive post. I know I'm not alone in this. Thanks for this message, which finds me on the kind of day when you call your therapist as she's buying coffee and egg + bacon bites: "maybe everything's fine, but maybe..." This comment enters intense territory next ------ someone died young, just now, the poet and essayist April Freely, once a collaborator of mine, and I don't know how she died so [certain ideas, images, fixations, follow] and I remembered, this same weekend, about childhood bullying that lasted years and I forgot about it, don't think I've told my partner of 12 years or best friend of 15. There's a meditation where you put the thoughts and memories into an imagined safe space -- mine is a growler, as for kombucha, but larger, made of deep-hibiscus hued glass tucked into my real-life clothes-strewn closet where I hid the real cookies for this weekend's pool party so my husband wouldn't eat them, then forgot to bring them at all. There is a bluegreen growler too (r*pe) and turmeric yellow (mother issues). I put them there, today, then, and I'd promised my therapist I'd call again if it got worse, which I will, this isn't asking for help, just wanting to be seen, just crawling through, like the rest of us, the terrain of the normal, which is dull now. But your zinnias look plausible <3
Ugh, I'm sorry for your loss. This is beautiful and also made me cry. Please hang in there.
This is so nice. Thank you. I will!
Thank you for this! And that flower wonderland is BEAUTIFUL. I know nothing about planting things but those photos inspire me to learn.
Thank you for this. Also, I encourage everyone to follow her link to the chihuahua story. It’s really good.
Yes, it's great! Meant to say that, too, but got too wound up about Prancer.
I loved your piece, how supportive you were of her and of us by extending the Prancer story to all of us anxious chihuahuas.
I am not even a dog person and I read Heather's piece once and was like... mm, maybe Heather translated the chihuahua story into what my kind can understand, I won't read the Prancer story, but then I read it and it was SO GOOD! I also appreciated your support of both Ariel and Prancer and got it better once I read it.
i'm so curious to hear about things that feel grounding to other people. it's been a turbulent time in my personal and professional life, but despite feeling like i desperately need grounding, i have no idea where to land. maybe i'm just in a particularly frazzled state these days, but i'm coming up blank. yoga? an old illustrated children's book? what helps other people when things are all out of sorts?
My breathe or a favorite song. Or sometimes I just stare at this huge tree in our yard. Xo
There are a lot of good techniques in the book 'The Language of Emotions'. It taught me the importance of grounding and boundary making. I never really used those techniques until things got really bad. Before that I was just trying to be a better version of myself. But when things hit the fan, her techniques started making more sense. All in all, it is a lovely book about accepting your emotions :)
Thank you for this suggestion!
Gave this a read, and thank you so much for the suggestion! It's the kind of pragmatic but gentle book I've been needing for so long
Sometimes I feel like so much of my anxiety is routed in trying to 'feel' better than what I 'feel', or rather trying to be better than what I am instead of working with what I have? There is still some sort of an underlying resistance to my present. I think about how great my past was, and how I can change my future. But always the constant escape from the dreadgery of the present. All this is important, but it's hard to know where to draw the line? The constant questioning has to end, somehow. Looking back at my past, I could distinctly remember more 'adventurous' and fun times. But those were also the times when I was not criticizing myself, looking at my past, and thinking about my future, in order to reach some sort of an ideal of who and what I should be. Those were the times when I just let myself be, I let myself be weird and lonely and I let myself have stupid and silly defense mechanisms and I simply just let myself feel the frustration of the present moment.
Zinnias! <3 <3
Oh… your flowers are gorgeous. Here’s to the small. Hang in there.
At the risk of sounding like a crazy dog person, who isolates that one thing that is not the point out of your streamline-to-manageable-presence article, have you ever thought maybe your dog is in pain? My social, playful dog started getting defensive and nasty with other dogs, particularly puppies. It turns out that he has back problems and was protecting himself from being jumped on and injured. And...your zinnias are insane and so cheerful. Next time I comment I will go for the meat and put my best both-and, thinking forward. Your writing, and then on top of it sound therapy practices that your words decipher and translate so well, is exceptional.
Love the flowers! And the cute doggo in the background!