'I Finally Let Go of My Fantasy!'

'I am so hard on myself most of the time. I can sometimes forget that there is so much in my life to celebrate.'

Thunder or bamboos drumming in the mist? (1991) by Dorothea Tanning

This week I want to focus on gratitude. If you feel grateful for something — or a few different things — send a letter to askpolly@protonmail.com. Thank you to everyone who’s written to me this week. I’ve reread your words many times, and I’m so incredibly grateful to each of you for reaching out.

Dear Polly,

I’m thankful that lately, instead of berating my negative emotions, I can allow them to be and listen to what they are trying to tell me.

By listening to my feelings, I was finally able to let go of a person who I was obsessed with. I am sorry for the toll taken on that friendship. But I’m thankful for that nudge to face reality, so I could let go of the fantasy I had created around him in my head. I'm grateful for the person with whom I am now creating something real. He shows up. He encourages me to trust myself. I am so glad we found each other.

I am so hard on myself most of the time. I can sometimes forget that there is so much in my life to celebrate. Over the last few years, I got into college, moved to the US, and managed to get my bachelor's degree. I have a great job, supportive parents, a bad-ass sister, a loving boyfriend, hobbies I enjoy, amazing friends, and even live in a lovely town. I'm so, so grateful for it all. I'm really in astonishment at my luck.

Writing this is making me laugh at myself — that I've been getting all tangled up in knots, anxious about what's next. Everyone keeps asking me about a PhD (in my specific field, further education is a given). I'm unsure about grad school, and unsure about a research career (my current role is a blend of both engineering and science), so I didn't apply this year. A couple days ago, I realized that right now I don't actually know what my big dreams and desires are. I don't know what is the ultimate goal I'm working towards. Which is kind of terrifying, as uncertainty is hard.

I'm grateful I am listening to my hesitation about grad school though. Maybe it's okay if I take some time to live right where I am for now. Not dive headfirst into the next goal but actually assess: Do I want to swim a million laps in this pool? I know I love the water. But instead of doing laps, I could float on my back. Or kayak down a river. Go on some waterslides.

For now, I'm going to enjoy the fish and seaweed that's in this harbor I'm in right now. Notice how the tides move. Give some love to my mermaid self. It makes me jittery, to not rush off and immediately strive towards the pirate treasure. What if I get exiled to the land? Despite that, I'm going to try to take a moment to really feel the embrace of the cool water and feel the gratitude for where I am.

Thanks again for all your words of wisdom,

Surfing the Waves

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Thank you for being here! Ask Polly will return to publishing 1-2x a week for paid subscribers next week. Send your advice letters and subscription inquiries to askpolly@protonmail.com. Listen to this song now because we’ll be discussing it on Monday!