In order to reawaken your passionate, sensitive core self, you have to surrender to the friction, awkwardness, and vulnerability of navigating the real world in real time among real people.
LW, I just want to say that it’s okay to not want kids, a romantic partner, or a career, and stating these things doesn’t make you empty or not knowing your true desires. It’s actually incredibly brave to know and embrace not wanting those things in a world that tells you that’s the only way to have a valid life. What it does mean is you unfortunately have to work extra hard and be extra resilient to carve out a life that provides its own unique meaning, because you’re not going to trod the beaten path with built-in meaning markers, and the world will actually work to punish you for that. Best of luck. ❤️❤️
Well said! The emptiness isn't coming from what you already know about yourself. It's coming from what you're afraid to find out and what you don't want to risk discovering. Emptiness, depression, and alienation come from repeating "safe" patterns instead of searching for new ways to challenge yourself and to relish being alive.
The more you surrender to what's real for you, the more your desires -- and the richness of the present moment -- will come rushing back to you. In that state, you're likely to discover that you're *even more sure* that you never want a partner. Anything that's real and true for you will feel empowering and exciting and add more richness and clarity to your life.
But the initial stage of understanding and grounding yourself in reality doesn't start with repeating intellectual stories about what you know. It starts with feeling your way into the unknown and allowing the wisdom of your calmest state to tell you more about what you want and what feels exciting to you.
That was an amazing response and just what I needed to read this morning. Dear LW, if you want a concrete action you can take while you are getting to know your desires, do something for something else, specifically bring a dog(s) into your life, not as a pet that will keep your world small, volunteer to walk dogs at the local shelter or raise puppy to become a service dog. These acts have meaning and that is important, because it forces you to work with all sorts of people towards a common goal (friction), but you have an animal in-between you as buffer and place to turn your attention to if it all gets to much.
“You probably already have three nice notebooks that you haven’t written a word in yet (or you scribbled a grocery list in the front of one and then considered it ruined).”
This whole piece made me feel seen, but this comment in particular is like: please stop spying on me.
It's now become routine for me to open your column late at night as I lie awake crying that my life isn't going how I'd like it to be, and it's all my fault. This time, the newest post felt eerily aimed at me (though I know it's not, of course). The people who truly know me (mainly just my parents and my therapist) also tell me I need to surrender. I tell myself to surrender. It's so hard! How are people just like that naturally? I've had the glass screen over my face for most of my life, too. What's funny is, after graduating college, I fulfilled my lifelong dream of moving to New York, mainly for work but also largely because I figured being on my own for the first time in such a big, bustling place would force me to finally take off my space suit and interact with the world in a meaningful way. But now I've been here for almost four years, and I've only just realized in the past year or so that I can't seem to get that damned shield off, and it's ruining everything. I'm too scared, and I don't know if it'll just take me hitting my breaking point to do it. I'm almost hopeful that'll happen soon.
This was so beautiful and helpful as always, Polly!
Letter writer, I’m a 35 year old woman on the East Coast who’s also been feeling this way and trying to slowly feel my way along. Let me know if you want to connect, I really resonated with your letter and felt moved by it
LW, I just want to say that it’s okay to not want kids, a romantic partner, or a career, and stating these things doesn’t make you empty or not knowing your true desires. It’s actually incredibly brave to know and embrace not wanting those things in a world that tells you that’s the only way to have a valid life. What it does mean is you unfortunately have to work extra hard and be extra resilient to carve out a life that provides its own unique meaning, because you’re not going to trod the beaten path with built-in meaning markers, and the world will actually work to punish you for that. Best of luck. ❤️❤️
Well said! The emptiness isn't coming from what you already know about yourself. It's coming from what you're afraid to find out and what you don't want to risk discovering. Emptiness, depression, and alienation come from repeating "safe" patterns instead of searching for new ways to challenge yourself and to relish being alive.
The more you surrender to what's real for you, the more your desires -- and the richness of the present moment -- will come rushing back to you. In that state, you're likely to discover that you're *even more sure* that you never want a partner. Anything that's real and true for you will feel empowering and exciting and add more richness and clarity to your life.
But the initial stage of understanding and grounding yourself in reality doesn't start with repeating intellectual stories about what you know. It starts with feeling your way into the unknown and allowing the wisdom of your calmest state to tell you more about what you want and what feels exciting to you.
That was an amazing response and just what I needed to read this morning. Dear LW, if you want a concrete action you can take while you are getting to know your desires, do something for something else, specifically bring a dog(s) into your life, not as a pet that will keep your world small, volunteer to walk dogs at the local shelter or raise puppy to become a service dog. These acts have meaning and that is important, because it forces you to work with all sorts of people towards a common goal (friction), but you have an animal in-between you as buffer and place to turn your attention to if it all gets to much.
I love this idea a lot.
“You probably already have three nice notebooks that you haven’t written a word in yet (or you scribbled a grocery list in the front of one and then considered it ruined).”
This whole piece made me feel seen, but this comment in particular is like: please stop spying on me.
It's now become routine for me to open your column late at night as I lie awake crying that my life isn't going how I'd like it to be, and it's all my fault. This time, the newest post felt eerily aimed at me (though I know it's not, of course). The people who truly know me (mainly just my parents and my therapist) also tell me I need to surrender. I tell myself to surrender. It's so hard! How are people just like that naturally? I've had the glass screen over my face for most of my life, too. What's funny is, after graduating college, I fulfilled my lifelong dream of moving to New York, mainly for work but also largely because I figured being on my own for the first time in such a big, bustling place would force me to finally take off my space suit and interact with the world in a meaningful way. But now I've been here for almost four years, and I've only just realized in the past year or so that I can't seem to get that damned shield off, and it's ruining everything. I'm too scared, and I don't know if it'll just take me hitting my breaking point to do it. I'm almost hopeful that'll happen soon.
"Lots of people reading this understand completely."
o/
Beautiful. Profound. Needed. As always.
This was so beautiful and helpful as always, Polly!
Letter writer, I’m a 35 year old woman on the East Coast who’s also been feeling this way and trying to slowly feel my way along. Let me know if you want to connect, I really resonated with your letter and felt moved by it