'My Husband Says My Vagina is Too Loose Since Chemo'

Worry not, there is a solution to this problem.

Grey Lines with Black, Blue and Yellow (1923) by Georgia O’Keeffe

Dear Polly,

I am four years post breast cancer treatment, bilateral mastectomy, reconstruction, chemo, radiation, and now hormone therapy. I was 51 when I was diagnosed and am now 55. I haven’t had sex with my husband in two years. We finally had "the discussion" and he tells me that my vagina is too loose since the chemo. 

Now, when we did have intercourse two years ago, it was painful so I did relax my vagina and we used a lot of lubrication. I know he didn't find it "good" like previously, but neither did I.

I am hoping to see a gynecologist about this. I don't want to use estrogen cream as my breast cancer was hormone positive. I have tried multiple moisturizers with little effect. I kind of feel he is being a real jerk but I am glad he was "honest" with me.

Any advice?

Too Loose

Dear Too Loose,

I know this must be difficult for you, but don’t worry. There’s technology out there that can help you.

You and your husband need to get into the car as soon as you can and drive straight to a rejuvenation specialist. That might sound a little embarrassing, but the procedure is actually pretty simple. You see, medical professionals have developed a patented probe that’s powered by advanced laser technology. They call it “The Rejuvenation Wand” and trust me, it truly works magic.

But I want you to be prepared, because the process can be a little intimidating. First a nurse will come in and power up the wand. You and your husband should expect that process to take a few minutes. When the wand is ready, it’ll start to hum and buzz like a cattle prod. Don’t be alarmed, that’s just the lasers activating!

Soon, the wand will become warm to the touch. Okay, “warm” is probably a misnomer, because it’s glowing red by the time it’s ready to go. The doctor has to use special protective gloves just to lube that thing up.

But don’t be nervous! Keep in mind that this is an incredibly common and highly effective procedure, used by millions of women all over the globe to solve this exact problem.  

So here’s what happens next: The doctor picks up the red-hot poker and SHOVES IT UP YOUR HUSBAND’S ASS.

Problem solved.

Afterwards, as you watch your husband weeping and moaning on the floor, I want you to notice how rejuvenated you feel. Incredible, right? The wonders of modern science truly are a miracle and a blessing!  

And as your husband grows less incoherent and starts shouting words like “THAT HURT LIKE CRAZY!” and “YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW BAD THAT WAS!” and “I COULD’VE DIED, YOU DO REALIZE THAT, DON’T YOU?” I want you to recall those seemingly endless days in the wake of your bilateral mastectomy, when you were emptying drains all by yourself while trying not to faint or popping pills just so you could fall asleep all propped in bed. I want you to remember the queasiness and hair loss and fear and dread of chemo and radiation. I want you to remember all of the times you whispered words like

That hurt like crazy.

You have no idea how bad that was.

I could die, you do realize that, don’t you?

Then I want you to think about the four years since. How did you get your strength and your courage back? How did you find the resilience to put that trauma behind you? Who did you lean on or confess your deepest insecurities to?

And who gave you love, and brought you tea and blankets and said, “I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. You’ve been so strong. I was so worried about losing you. You still look beautiful but you could turn into a sea monster and I would still love you, because you’re the most important person in my life”?

If it wasn’t your husband, then you really need to ask yourself what the man is good for. If he can have one bad sexual experience, wait two years to talk about it, and then pin the blame on your vagina like it’s some malfunctioning appliance he purchased years ago and now he wants his money back? That really makes you wonder whether or not he has a heart inside that big dumb entitled chest of his. As he loses his hair and gains a gut and his dick wilts and his ass falls out on the floor, do you really want to be the one wiping his butt for him?

If not, consider your options and come up with an exit strategy.

Or, you could try a different procedure. This time, the doctor will use something that looks like a tube sock – “The Rejuvenation Tube” is what they call it.

Your husband will stick his dick inside the tube ONLY TO DISCOVER THAT IT’S FILLED WITH BULLET ANTS! ALL OF THE ANTS WILL START BITING HIS DICK AT ONCE! THE PAIN WILL BE UNBEARABLE! HE’LL PROBABLY PASS OUT AT SOME POINT!

When he finally comes to, he’ll notice that his dick is swollen to three times its original size. That’s when you’ll invite him to have sex with you.

Your vagina will not feel loose to him anymore.

And if there’s still a problem after that? Don’t upgrade your vagina. Upgrade your husband.

Polly

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