This is wonderful advice and really good clarifying remarks. Like, the internal tools you need to stay with someone in a healthy way and the internal tools you need to break up with someone in a healthy way are THE SAME TOOLS.
Exactly. And if you have a long history and a lot of love for someone but you resist the truth or the process of discovery around your pain in order to protect yourself... Well, I would argue that this level of processing, reckoning, confrontation of the truth, and also shame, despair, fear (and the raw joy aftertaste that comes from feeling ALL of those complicated emotions) will be lingering just under the surface like groundwater, waiting to engulf you a few months later when, say, you lose your job or your dog dies.
Doing a deep dive into that groundwater can feel overwhelming, but it's also a process that brings true love, true happiness, and great sex out of your head and into your actual life. So even though that kind of honest reckoning with another flawed human being sounds like a form of compromise when you're with someone who you suspect can't see you clearly or doesn't appreciate you enough, the truth is that you're giving yourself and the other person a huge gift when you say, "We're here to figure out what's true, regardless of where we land after this."
You can feel incredibly hurt and still look at what's true. Daring to face another odd, limited human being's reality is frightening and often VERY insulting, because humans are greedy, impossible monsters with ridiculous, fantastically high standards that make no sense most of the time. Chipping through another person's rigid, escapist, sexist nightmare realms doesn't sound all that fun, and I understand why most people would rather say SORRY NO THANKS. But I've seen so many people expand and fill up with love and possibility when they face the absolute worst in another person and learn about their own absolute worst along the way. It's also just an incredible gift of kindness to nudge a limited person to open their eyes and grow a little, to give them an opportunity to tell the truth without fear, to accept that we're all a confusing knot of stupid expectations and we all deserve compassion. Okay, most of us do anyway.
That said, kicking a motherfucker to the curb and traveling onward is also a perfectly acceptable choice. Taking a break to fly over two oceans and visit an old lover? Also an interesting option. I guess I just want to say that you will be swimming in that dark emotional groundwater eventually, whether you want to or not. And taking a dive before you rearrange your entire life sometimes feels less frightening. This is why I start with: You can stay here, feel the pain, and see how it blossoms and grows or shrinks. You sometimes learn more, feel more, and rattle yourself a little less by sitting still and being patient with your own sensations than you do by packing your stuff or hopping on a plane.
Sitting still doesn't mean staying forever. It just means giving your body a chance to catch up to reality, and giving your partner a chance to either grow rapidly before your eyes or to demonstrate that they're incapable of growth, don't want to grow, have no interest in expansion and possibility, and will go to great lengths to avoid learning and stretching and reckoning with reality. There are many, many people in the world like this, and my sense is that the LW *REALLY TRULY* would not be happy chained to one of them until death. Gaining clarity on where this guy sits in relation to growth is going to feel very, very good regardless of how this story ends.
Okay a note to start -- I am assuming LW is a woman based on a couple of phrases that seemed slightly gendered so that's where this comment is coming from. If that's not the case, I apologise, and disregard that element! Though I think a lot of these thoughts would still apply.
I think, regardless of the work with the self, I would need a partner to do a lot of serious work on their view of women in order to move past something like this. Like... a PhD amount of work. The personal unfortunately really is political. Regardless of the subconscious desire stuff, the fact that his mind was able to prop it all up on this idea of thinner (AND SICK) is hotter, betrays some pretty nefarious (and yes, common in our broader society!) misogyny (and if I'm wrong on the gender, then straight up nefarious body image issues!) No wonder it's turned YOU off. That would make me feel really unsafe and objectified in the decidedly-not-hot way. It's not really a question of him being a bad person, because again, this is stuff we've all been handed down... but I've been so into people of all body types, and even when I've noticed weight gain or loss, it has not had the impact on desire that I was taught it would when I was (particularly) a teen. It's just very notable to me that he didn't stop within himself and question what more was at play before speaking. It sounds like it was on his mind for a while before he blurted it out. You also say "I think I want kids, but I can't imagine having them with him anymore." I honestly also would no longer feel safe to fantasise about that with someone who had said this. How could I trust someone to love and care for my body through PREGNANCY when they couldn't care for it in optimal health? How could I trust them to help me raise children with healthy relationships to their own bodies?
I could be wrong but I wonder if part of what's happening in your letter is a sense that you shouldn't be having such a strong reaction to this. The way you characterise yourself early on in the letter ("I am incredibly sensitive. I never let things go, memories cling to me like needy children, and I'll remember a hurt forever. If something good happens, I hold onto it until it's dust in my hands. If something bad happens, it colors my experience of that person or place forever") is the kind of language that enters my mind when I'm dismissing my feelings, telling myself that maybe I'm being unreasonable or disproportionate because then maybe I can be the problem and that's more controllable. But I think most people would be having a very strong reaction to their partner saying this, and just imo! I would be taking my feelings about it very seriously whether I decided to stay or go.
Polly's answer is incredibly inspiring. I see it as a road map to getting through crises and betrayals with a radical growth mindset, which is a recipe for not getting crushed by the narcissistic mindset of non-player-characters.
AND I think there's a really high probability that this guy is one of those NPCs. Polly is right to de-emphasize 'hurt' as a metric for making decisions, if 'hurt' makes you turn away from examining the situation with clarity.
But although hurt and damage are not necessary the same thing, this guy has already caused real damage below the water line. LW didn't gain a bunch of weight by not taking care of their health--they gained a HEALTHY amount of weight BY HEALING. That takes the issue far from the realm of aesthetic preferences, into some core concerns about power, safety and integrity.
LW's gut is telling them that this guy is no longer a safe partner. They can't un-ring that bell. This brilliant answer by Polly is a blueprint for coping with that.
I think the advice Polly gives to ask deeper questions about the relationship makes sense given the nature of this column. But I also feel like oh my goodness the LW does not need any more work to do. The very fact that the LW’s partner said this…I just don’t feel he’s being respectful of her or their relationship. The quote that keeps coming up for me here is “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” Sending you lots of healing and supportive vibes, LW. You are not alone, and so many people have been through something similar with a long term partner, including me. You are not alone! 💕
I'm sorry your partner said that to you. I would be crushed by that too. It's great that you have the clarity to love and respect your healthy body and it sounds like your instinct is telling you that you're not emotionally safe with this person anymore.
"When you love yourself generously and fiercely, you are built to give love generously." Thank you for this guiding principle, Polly. A man once said, "I can't believe I'm with you, my last two girlfriends were one in a million." I raised myself up on my elbow (we were in bed) and said, "Huh. Well, what you see is what you get, and if that's not doing it for you, there's the door." Forty years later he has routinely apologized for (in his words) "being a dumb jerk". People say idiotic things sometimes, often to puff themselves up. There is more, about those layers, and Polly has fearlessly gone deep in this reply.
'To have a deep love for each other, to inspire each other, to incite passion in each other, you have to approach the other person like they’re a work of art. Sex is worship. Affection is signing your name across someone’s body over and over, and saying, with tenderness, “You don’t belong to me, you belong to yourself. I respect your independent experience. I forgive your rage and your longing. I admire your infinite capacity for new sensations and desires.'
As a guy who is into the female form, I’m often shocked by the attitudes of other men who value stick-thin so much. I have theories about this, but never mind all that, because the big point here, is that child-bearing requires woman, with ample fat reserves and if he’s not into women who look like mothers, then he’s still an adolescent boy deep down and not ready for fatherhood, or man hood. No matter how nice and sweet he is, or all the other cool things that attracted you, so does Peter Pan. But that’s just my take.
"Does he feel distant from you for reasons he can’t accept or face? Does his shame and lack of curiosity about himself block him from knowing more and growing more?"
WHOOOOO! This was an amazing message that I needed to sit in/with, and really take in today. THANK YOU! And all the strength and pride in the world to the OP. <3
“When you know what you are and you love what you are, you’re not afraid of discovering that someone else DOESN’T. You want to know the truth. Because you know, in your heart, that you will never, ever accept half-assed love from someone who can’t see you clearly. You love yourself too much for that.” This quote really stuck with me. I’ve experienced brief situations with people who I could have started something romantic with, and I knew when to walk away because they simply weren’t GIVING what I was. The right person will accept you and your supposed flaws, but in the end the flaws are what make you yourself. So are they really flaws, or are they just entirely, wholly you?
"Treat your body like a priceless work of art. Honor it. Expect to be honored."
respectability politics don't work, good know what's negotiable and to accept nothing less. Eve's finest fauna flourishing, i wish you all the best on your quests.
"What I’m advocating is a level of self-love and self-knowledge that eliminates the HURT from the picture, and increases your curiosity, expands your horizons..." and "You need to know that you are beautiful. You need to feel it and own it. You need to understand your value, in other words. Understanding your enormous charms and delights makes you feel beautiful..."
I love what Polly writes...but how do you actually DO this? How do you get to know yourself? How do you understand your value, and how do you know what your charms and delights are? It can't be based on what other people tell you...so how do you discover this for your self? What questions do you ask? How do you know what to accept/love about yourself vs what you need to improve on or change? Is there a quiz? (j/k on the last one). Would love to hear from anyone on this.
I am someone who is extremely confident in my own value. Like, I have crazy amounts of self-respect. And I actually think it IS based on what other people tell me. But the "one weird trick" is choosing WHICH people to listen to.
I'm 42 and I have a posse of about 5 or 6 friends and family members that I've known for decades. We genuinely enjoy each other, and we kind of have a mutual curiousity society. We all love to unpack our thoughts about ourselves! It's a group project of building each other up instead of tearing each other down. To be clear, we definitely discuss our our flaws and mistakes and growth edges, but it's always in the context of everyone being fundamentally delightful.
And when I'm feeling NOT CONFIDENT or SHAME SPIRAL or CONFUSED ABOUT MY CALLING I know I can go to any of those dear friends and refill my confidence cup.
Sometimes I bring outside voices or doubts to my sister or one of my best friends, and they say, don't listen to that voice, it's bullshit! We reject it!
So I would say, look for the people who make you feel like the lovable person you want to be, and cherish those relationships till death.
The other thing I cherish until death is characters from books and movies and TV shows that I identify with strongly for whatever reason. As those characters grow and are loved, it makes me believe that I can also grow and be loved. (And for a well-written character, their flaws are also their strengths, which helps me practice acceptance.) There's fiction that I trust and build my personality around, and there's fiction that I DON'T trust and I reject its influence, just like with people in real life.
If you are looking for a place to start with confidence-building fiction about friends who love each other, I highly reccomend the Raven Cycle by Maggie Steifvater. The first book is The Raven Boys.
through writing and thinking prompts is how i am untangling it and trying to rearrange what is personhood, identity, Femininity to ME. what would this "ME" do in their life, with their time? what do they gain from doing what they're doing? what's the subtle secondary gain from NOT doing something (comfort of not leaving what's known even if toxic).
also i pick muses like Missus Havrilesky, hexplore their lore, ask myself "so what is this goddess doing, how did she do it?" and emulate their boldness into my being, formulate my own hinterpretation of what i am and if that means some thing, etc.
Isn't that the million dollar question! Consider the reverse - What would you have to do to find yourself even less beautiful or valuable? The answer as far as I can tell, is heroic levels of denial that you exist. To turn every aspect of your consciousness away from your true self, to avoid any evidence that you exist in the world. Write yourself out of all the stories you tell yourself about how the world works and avoid creating evidence in the first place. See no evidence of yourself mattering, speak nothing, hear nothing. Deny deny deny. Eventually your physical form will seem to be nothing but decaying meat wrapped around a void.
From what I can tell, a lot of people grappling with the idea of self-love think it's basically the inverse of this insanity- positive delusion instead of negative delusion. But people who don't grapple are simply able to the face the reality of their existence, whereupon their value is self-evident.
Writing your thoughts out is a good way to start knowing yourself because it's evidence that you exist and have opinions and have done things. The hard part is re-reading your words without flinching and trying to look away from the bits you don't like.
I have been married for 17 years and have encountered something similar to NOS, re, my aging body, looser and plumper than when we first got together. I have worked through a lot of insecurity to get to a place where I love my body as it is now, as it will be tomorrow and 15 years from now. I marvel at its strength and function, all the child birth, surgeries, etc, it's been through. And when the husband, in a nakedly honest moment, says...
Anyway, after a stint of being pissed off and resentful up on my soap box, I had started down the path of maybe just feeling these feelings, of seeing this as an opportunity to step further into my own power, because, as much as I would like for him to see me as beautiful, I don't need it. I also began to understand how he could be projecting his own body insecurity at me, how this feeling he has is actually more about him than it is me. Anyway, that is my long-winded way of saying this was extremely timely for me, and it helped me immensely to read it. Thank you!
This is wonderful advice and really good clarifying remarks. Like, the internal tools you need to stay with someone in a healthy way and the internal tools you need to break up with someone in a healthy way are THE SAME TOOLS.
Exactly. And if you have a long history and a lot of love for someone but you resist the truth or the process of discovery around your pain in order to protect yourself... Well, I would argue that this level of processing, reckoning, confrontation of the truth, and also shame, despair, fear (and the raw joy aftertaste that comes from feeling ALL of those complicated emotions) will be lingering just under the surface like groundwater, waiting to engulf you a few months later when, say, you lose your job or your dog dies.
Doing a deep dive into that groundwater can feel overwhelming, but it's also a process that brings true love, true happiness, and great sex out of your head and into your actual life. So even though that kind of honest reckoning with another flawed human being sounds like a form of compromise when you're with someone who you suspect can't see you clearly or doesn't appreciate you enough, the truth is that you're giving yourself and the other person a huge gift when you say, "We're here to figure out what's true, regardless of where we land after this."
You can feel incredibly hurt and still look at what's true. Daring to face another odd, limited human being's reality is frightening and often VERY insulting, because humans are greedy, impossible monsters with ridiculous, fantastically high standards that make no sense most of the time. Chipping through another person's rigid, escapist, sexist nightmare realms doesn't sound all that fun, and I understand why most people would rather say SORRY NO THANKS. But I've seen so many people expand and fill up with love and possibility when they face the absolute worst in another person and learn about their own absolute worst along the way. It's also just an incredible gift of kindness to nudge a limited person to open their eyes and grow a little, to give them an opportunity to tell the truth without fear, to accept that we're all a confusing knot of stupid expectations and we all deserve compassion. Okay, most of us do anyway.
That said, kicking a motherfucker to the curb and traveling onward is also a perfectly acceptable choice. Taking a break to fly over two oceans and visit an old lover? Also an interesting option. I guess I just want to say that you will be swimming in that dark emotional groundwater eventually, whether you want to or not. And taking a dive before you rearrange your entire life sometimes feels less frightening. This is why I start with: You can stay here, feel the pain, and see how it blossoms and grows or shrinks. You sometimes learn more, feel more, and rattle yourself a little less by sitting still and being patient with your own sensations than you do by packing your stuff or hopping on a plane.
Sitting still doesn't mean staying forever. It just means giving your body a chance to catch up to reality, and giving your partner a chance to either grow rapidly before your eyes or to demonstrate that they're incapable of growth, don't want to grow, have no interest in expansion and possibility, and will go to great lengths to avoid learning and stretching and reckoning with reality. There are many, many people in the world like this, and my sense is that the LW *REALLY TRULY* would not be happy chained to one of them until death. Gaining clarity on where this guy sits in relation to growth is going to feel very, very good regardless of how this story ends.
This is so true!
such a great point!!
Okay a note to start -- I am assuming LW is a woman based on a couple of phrases that seemed slightly gendered so that's where this comment is coming from. If that's not the case, I apologise, and disregard that element! Though I think a lot of these thoughts would still apply.
I think, regardless of the work with the self, I would need a partner to do a lot of serious work on their view of women in order to move past something like this. Like... a PhD amount of work. The personal unfortunately really is political. Regardless of the subconscious desire stuff, the fact that his mind was able to prop it all up on this idea of thinner (AND SICK) is hotter, betrays some pretty nefarious (and yes, common in our broader society!) misogyny (and if I'm wrong on the gender, then straight up nefarious body image issues!) No wonder it's turned YOU off. That would make me feel really unsafe and objectified in the decidedly-not-hot way. It's not really a question of him being a bad person, because again, this is stuff we've all been handed down... but I've been so into people of all body types, and even when I've noticed weight gain or loss, it has not had the impact on desire that I was taught it would when I was (particularly) a teen. It's just very notable to me that he didn't stop within himself and question what more was at play before speaking. It sounds like it was on his mind for a while before he blurted it out. You also say "I think I want kids, but I can't imagine having them with him anymore." I honestly also would no longer feel safe to fantasise about that with someone who had said this. How could I trust someone to love and care for my body through PREGNANCY when they couldn't care for it in optimal health? How could I trust them to help me raise children with healthy relationships to their own bodies?
I could be wrong but I wonder if part of what's happening in your letter is a sense that you shouldn't be having such a strong reaction to this. The way you characterise yourself early on in the letter ("I am incredibly sensitive. I never let things go, memories cling to me like needy children, and I'll remember a hurt forever. If something good happens, I hold onto it until it's dust in my hands. If something bad happens, it colors my experience of that person or place forever") is the kind of language that enters my mind when I'm dismissing my feelings, telling myself that maybe I'm being unreasonable or disproportionate because then maybe I can be the problem and that's more controllable. But I think most people would be having a very strong reaction to their partner saying this, and just imo! I would be taking my feelings about it very seriously whether I decided to stay or go.
YES THIS EVERY WORD OF THIS.
Polly's answer is incredibly inspiring. I see it as a road map to getting through crises and betrayals with a radical growth mindset, which is a recipe for not getting crushed by the narcissistic mindset of non-player-characters.
AND I think there's a really high probability that this guy is one of those NPCs. Polly is right to de-emphasize 'hurt' as a metric for making decisions, if 'hurt' makes you turn away from examining the situation with clarity.
But although hurt and damage are not necessary the same thing, this guy has already caused real damage below the water line. LW didn't gain a bunch of weight by not taking care of their health--they gained a HEALTHY amount of weight BY HEALING. That takes the issue far from the realm of aesthetic preferences, into some core concerns about power, safety and integrity.
LW's gut is telling them that this guy is no longer a safe partner. They can't un-ring that bell. This brilliant answer by Polly is a blueprint for coping with that.
I think the advice Polly gives to ask deeper questions about the relationship makes sense given the nature of this column. But I also feel like oh my goodness the LW does not need any more work to do. The very fact that the LW’s partner said this…I just don’t feel he’s being respectful of her or their relationship. The quote that keeps coming up for me here is “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” Sending you lots of healing and supportive vibes, LW. You are not alone, and so many people have been through something similar with a long term partner, including me. You are not alone! 💕
"When you know what you are and you love what you are, you’re not afraid of discovering that someone else DOESN’T"
This reminds me of a quote from Jenny Slate's book Little Weirds:
"A prayer:
As the image of myself becomes sharper in my brain, and more precious, I feel less afraid that someone else will erase me by denying me love. "
I love that book with my entire heart and soul. One of the small handful of books I absolutely treasure.
I'm sorry your partner said that to you. I would be crushed by that too. It's great that you have the clarity to love and respect your healthy body and it sounds like your instinct is telling you that you're not emotionally safe with this person anymore.
"When you love yourself generously and fiercely, you are built to give love generously." Thank you for this guiding principle, Polly. A man once said, "I can't believe I'm with you, my last two girlfriends were one in a million." I raised myself up on my elbow (we were in bed) and said, "Huh. Well, what you see is what you get, and if that's not doing it for you, there's the door." Forty years later he has routinely apologized for (in his words) "being a dumb jerk". People say idiotic things sometimes, often to puff themselves up. There is more, about those layers, and Polly has fearlessly gone deep in this reply.
'To have a deep love for each other, to inspire each other, to incite passion in each other, you have to approach the other person like they’re a work of art. Sex is worship. Affection is signing your name across someone’s body over and over, and saying, with tenderness, “You don’t belong to me, you belong to yourself. I respect your independent experience. I forgive your rage and your longing. I admire your infinite capacity for new sensations and desires.'
This will stay with me for a very long time.
This. I want to copy this one down.
I shared that one as a note and will save it as well.
As a guy who is into the female form, I’m often shocked by the attitudes of other men who value stick-thin so much. I have theories about this, but never mind all that, because the big point here, is that child-bearing requires woman, with ample fat reserves and if he’s not into women who look like mothers, then he’s still an adolescent boy deep down and not ready for fatherhood, or man hood. No matter how nice and sweet he is, or all the other cool things that attracted you, so does Peter Pan. But that’s just my take.
"Does he feel distant from you for reasons he can’t accept or face? Does his shame and lack of curiosity about himself block him from knowing more and growing more?"
Like, yeah? It seems like yeah?
WHOOOOO! This was an amazing message that I needed to sit in/with, and really take in today. THANK YOU! And all the strength and pride in the world to the OP. <3
“When you know what you are and you love what you are, you’re not afraid of discovering that someone else DOESN’T. You want to know the truth. Because you know, in your heart, that you will never, ever accept half-assed love from someone who can’t see you clearly. You love yourself too much for that.” This quote really stuck with me. I’ve experienced brief situations with people who I could have started something romantic with, and I knew when to walk away because they simply weren’t GIVING what I was. The right person will accept you and your supposed flaws, but in the end the flaws are what make you yourself. So are they really flaws, or are they just entirely, wholly you?
"Treat your body like a priceless work of art. Honor it. Expect to be honored."
respectability politics don't work, good know what's negotiable and to accept nothing less. Eve's finest fauna flourishing, i wish you all the best on your quests.
Polly. F*ck yes.
This is cutting to the core of everything and I appreciate it so much. ❤️
The wise build houses on rocks, the wind comes and destroys the others built on sand and earth
"What I’m advocating is a level of self-love and self-knowledge that eliminates the HURT from the picture, and increases your curiosity, expands your horizons..." and "You need to know that you are beautiful. You need to feel it and own it. You need to understand your value, in other words. Understanding your enormous charms and delights makes you feel beautiful..."
I love what Polly writes...but how do you actually DO this? How do you get to know yourself? How do you understand your value, and how do you know what your charms and delights are? It can't be based on what other people tell you...so how do you discover this for your self? What questions do you ask? How do you know what to accept/love about yourself vs what you need to improve on or change? Is there a quiz? (j/k on the last one). Would love to hear from anyone on this.
I am someone who is extremely confident in my own value. Like, I have crazy amounts of self-respect. And I actually think it IS based on what other people tell me. But the "one weird trick" is choosing WHICH people to listen to.
I'm 42 and I have a posse of about 5 or 6 friends and family members that I've known for decades. We genuinely enjoy each other, and we kind of have a mutual curiousity society. We all love to unpack our thoughts about ourselves! It's a group project of building each other up instead of tearing each other down. To be clear, we definitely discuss our our flaws and mistakes and growth edges, but it's always in the context of everyone being fundamentally delightful.
And when I'm feeling NOT CONFIDENT or SHAME SPIRAL or CONFUSED ABOUT MY CALLING I know I can go to any of those dear friends and refill my confidence cup.
Sometimes I bring outside voices or doubts to my sister or one of my best friends, and they say, don't listen to that voice, it's bullshit! We reject it!
So I would say, look for the people who make you feel like the lovable person you want to be, and cherish those relationships till death.
The other thing I cherish until death is characters from books and movies and TV shows that I identify with strongly for whatever reason. As those characters grow and are loved, it makes me believe that I can also grow and be loved. (And for a well-written character, their flaws are also their strengths, which helps me practice acceptance.) There's fiction that I trust and build my personality around, and there's fiction that I DON'T trust and I reject its influence, just like with people in real life.
If you are looking for a place to start with confidence-building fiction about friends who love each other, I highly reccomend the Raven Cycle by Maggie Steifvater. The first book is The Raven Boys.
hi friend.
through writing and thinking prompts is how i am untangling it and trying to rearrange what is personhood, identity, Femininity to ME. what would this "ME" do in their life, with their time? what do they gain from doing what they're doing? what's the subtle secondary gain from NOT doing something (comfort of not leaving what's known even if toxic).
also i pick muses like Missus Havrilesky, hexplore their lore, ask myself "so what is this goddess doing, how did she do it?" and emulate their boldness into my being, formulate my own hinterpretation of what i am and if that means some thing, etc.
wishing you lots of courage and curiosity!
Isn't that the million dollar question! Consider the reverse - What would you have to do to find yourself even less beautiful or valuable? The answer as far as I can tell, is heroic levels of denial that you exist. To turn every aspect of your consciousness away from your true self, to avoid any evidence that you exist in the world. Write yourself out of all the stories you tell yourself about how the world works and avoid creating evidence in the first place. See no evidence of yourself mattering, speak nothing, hear nothing. Deny deny deny. Eventually your physical form will seem to be nothing but decaying meat wrapped around a void.
From what I can tell, a lot of people grappling with the idea of self-love think it's basically the inverse of this insanity- positive delusion instead of negative delusion. But people who don't grapple are simply able to the face the reality of their existence, whereupon their value is self-evident.
Writing your thoughts out is a good way to start knowing yourself because it's evidence that you exist and have opinions and have done things. The hard part is re-reading your words without flinching and trying to look away from the bits you don't like.
I have been married for 17 years and have encountered something similar to NOS, re, my aging body, looser and plumper than when we first got together. I have worked through a lot of insecurity to get to a place where I love my body as it is now, as it will be tomorrow and 15 years from now. I marvel at its strength and function, all the child birth, surgeries, etc, it's been through. And when the husband, in a nakedly honest moment, says...
Anyway, after a stint of being pissed off and resentful up on my soap box, I had started down the path of maybe just feeling these feelings, of seeing this as an opportunity to step further into my own power, because, as much as I would like for him to see me as beautiful, I don't need it. I also began to understand how he could be projecting his own body insecurity at me, how this feeling he has is actually more about him than it is me. Anyway, that is my long-winded way of saying this was extremely timely for me, and it helped me immensely to read it. Thank you!