Polly, my inner lawyer has definitely overstayed her welcome, specializing in guilt and worst-case scenarios. She’s exhausting but insists she’s “helping.”
This essay made me realize it’s time for her to retire plus her briefs are outdated. I might even throw her a farewell party with cake and a restraining order.
Thanks for the gentle nudge and reminding me that I don’t need to cross-examine myself to find peace.
“Your insistence on FIXING THINGS using your brain and your argumentation and your unmatched naming-and-blaming services is what makes YOU difficult.” Hi, I’m the problem, it’s me!
A co-worker recently told me about a frustrating conversation he’d had with an employee, and after listening to his story I said, “Oh. You were litigating the facts when all she needed was for you to acknowledge her feelings.” It was a lightbulb moment for me because I always be litigating the facts! I fucking love to litigate. But I also consider myself someone who loves to acknowledge and discuss and dissect feelings. I think my journey is in learning when to use which skill (and then re-learning, and then learning some more in a new context, and then learning again forever and ever amen). Grateful to feel loved despite what makes me difficult.
I am back here re-reading (this is one of those Ask Polly letters that I will treat like scripture I can see) and I'm like, ok but I DO want "a super-sexy superhero soulmate"! LMAO
Oh goodness. Yes, I hear this and have felt this, and have come back from this, and have re-engaged with this type of thinking so many times. It's the road less travelled, but the one that leads to more treasures than you'd imagined.
Yesterday I really thought I had a Ask Polly dilemma and then I had therapy and landed more or less where this essay lands. I'm not the lawyer or the fixer, I'm just a messy person that is very scared of messy persons, and the lawyer-fixer (my inner asshole) is me being scared. Still processing but this essay hit the spot!
You are right. There are a lot of good people who are “difficult” at the moment. The why is not important. The advice “Tell me more about what you need” is exactly what I need to say to shift the narrative. Thank you.
Heather, it’s like you read by mind or entered my life. I think I was silently punishing a close friend by rationalising in my own head about them rights and wrongs that have happened in the past. And as you said - I’m that person - who tags everyone from their own lens of righteousness and what not.
I needed this a lot and will come back to this to make peace with my feelings and move forward.
Love this so much, thank you. The wounds left by those who withhold and retreat are so often overlooked. Being in conflict is maybe the price of realness, just another form of intimacy - bumping up against the imperfection of self and other.
I think so much relies on each person knowing who they are - some kind of recognition that on a fundamental level we account for ourselves, and that blaming/projecting/shaming is a really grievous form of harm.
Each time I get screwed over in this encounter with the other, the biggest act of generosity I can imagine is to keep turning up for the next collision. Still working on it.
Thank you. I need this today. I love my dummy man, and I'm a dummy, too.
Polly, my inner lawyer has definitely overstayed her welcome, specializing in guilt and worst-case scenarios. She’s exhausting but insists she’s “helping.”
This essay made me realize it’s time for her to retire plus her briefs are outdated. I might even throw her a farewell party with cake and a restraining order.
Thanks for the gentle nudge and reminding me that I don’t need to cross-examine myself to find peace.
“Your insistence on FIXING THINGS using your brain and your argumentation and your unmatched naming-and-blaming services is what makes YOU difficult.” Hi, I’m the problem, it’s me!
A co-worker recently told me about a frustrating conversation he’d had with an employee, and after listening to his story I said, “Oh. You were litigating the facts when all she needed was for you to acknowledge her feelings.” It was a lightbulb moment for me because I always be litigating the facts! I fucking love to litigate. But I also consider myself someone who loves to acknowledge and discuss and dissect feelings. I think my journey is in learning when to use which skill (and then re-learning, and then learning some more in a new context, and then learning again forever and ever amen). Grateful to feel loved despite what makes me difficult.
Ouch!!! That was the best advice I have ever received. You dialed in on my exact most obnoxious flaw. :-[]
Wish you weren’t always so damn Right all the time. 💙
Wow. I cannot believe you put this out there today, of all days. I really needed this incredible advice. Thank you.
I am back here re-reading (this is one of those Ask Polly letters that I will treat like scripture I can see) and I'm like, ok but I DO want "a super-sexy superhero soulmate"! LMAO
As a lawyer, god I’m fucking trying.
The accuracy is insane!!! Amazing, thank you <3
Oh goodness. Yes, I hear this and have felt this, and have come back from this, and have re-engaged with this type of thinking so many times. It's the road less travelled, but the one that leads to more treasures than you'd imagined.
This felt like a slap and a hug😭 needed that
Yesterday I really thought I had a Ask Polly dilemma and then I had therapy and landed more or less where this essay lands. I'm not the lawyer or the fixer, I'm just a messy person that is very scared of messy persons, and the lawyer-fixer (my inner asshole) is me being scared. Still processing but this essay hit the spot!
You are right. There are a lot of good people who are “difficult” at the moment. The why is not important. The advice “Tell me more about what you need” is exactly what I need to say to shift the narrative. Thank you.
Heather, it’s like you read by mind or entered my life. I think I was silently punishing a close friend by rationalising in my own head about them rights and wrongs that have happened in the past. And as you said - I’m that person - who tags everyone from their own lens of righteousness and what not.
I needed this a lot and will come back to this to make peace with my feelings and move forward.
Love this so much, thank you. The wounds left by those who withhold and retreat are so often overlooked. Being in conflict is maybe the price of realness, just another form of intimacy - bumping up against the imperfection of self and other.
I think so much relies on each person knowing who they are - some kind of recognition that on a fundamental level we account for ourselves, and that blaming/projecting/shaming is a really grievous form of harm.
Each time I get screwed over in this encounter with the other, the biggest act of generosity I can imagine is to keep turning up for the next collision. Still working on it.
Reading this is the sole reason why I believe AI can never replace humans.