Polly, my inner lawyer has definitely overstayed her welcome, specializing in guilt and worst-case scenarios. She’s exhausting but insists she’s “helping.”
This essay made me realize it’s time for her to retire plus her briefs are outdated. I might even throw her a farewell party with cake and a restraining order.
Thanks for the gentle nudge and reminding me that I don’t need to cross-examine myself to find peace.
“Your insistence on FIXING THINGS using your brain and your argumentation and your unmatched naming-and-blaming services is what makes YOU difficult.” Hi, I’m the problem, it’s me!
A co-worker recently told me about a frustrating conversation he’d had with an employee, and after listening to his story I said, “Oh. You were litigating the facts when all she needed was for you to acknowledge her feelings.” It was a lightbulb moment for me because I always be litigating the facts! I fucking love to litigate. But I also consider myself someone who loves to acknowledge and discuss and dissect feelings. I think my journey is in learning when to use which skill (and then re-learning, and then learning some more in a new context, and then learning again forever and ever amen). Grateful to feel loved despite what makes me difficult.
I am back here re-reading (this is one of those Ask Polly letters that I will treat like scripture I can see) and I'm like, ok but I DO want "a super-sexy superhero soulmate"! LMAO
Oh goodness. Yes, I hear this and have felt this, and have come back from this, and have re-engaged with this type of thinking so many times. It's the road less travelled, but the one that leads to more treasures than you'd imagined.
Yesterday I really thought I had a Ask Polly dilemma and then I had therapy and landed more or less where this essay lands. I'm not the lawyer or the fixer, I'm just a messy person that is very scared of messy persons, and the lawyer-fixer (my inner asshole) is me being scared. Still processing but this essay hit the spot!
Heather, it’s like you read by mind or entered my life. I think I was silently punishing a close friend by rationalising in my own head about them rights and wrongs that have happened in the past. And as you said - I’m that person - who tags everyone from their own lens of righteousness and what not.
I needed this a lot and will come back to this to make peace with my feelings and move forward.
You are right. There are a lot of good people who are “difficult” at the moment. The why is not important. The advice “Tell me more about what you need” is exactly what I need to say to shift the narrative. Thank you.
"So here’s the hardest part: When trouble arises, you turn off your heart and your head takes over and you start to ARGUE. You have a point to make. You know exactly how this started, where it went wrong, who fucked up. You want to let this person know that you can see clearly what’s going on, and you know how to fix this shit. You can tell them exactly where they got it wrong. You can explain to them exactly what they haven’t figured out yet. YOU WILL HELP THEM IMPROVE. They just have to listen and accept that you can see the truth with clear eyes and they are in the dark."
This seems like a very clear case of trying to assert power and control over the other party. If that's a fair reading of the situation, how does this not constitute abuse? The very idea that one knows better than the other in every way, including the other party's own psyche, strikes me as profoundly self-aggrandizing and contemptuous.
So long as we take psychological and emotional abuse seriously - as we no doubt should - then I believe this question needs to be on the table. Especially with how common a scenario like this is in relationships of all kinds.
I am sure that in some cases it does constitute abuse. It's good to mention this, though I think Polly said what she's talking about today are difficult people, not abusers.
I have a friend who is making her life harder than it has to be. I have been telling her (with love and support!) what she could do to change her life. I'm not abusing her, but I am being the jerk Polly was describing. I wouldn't say I know "better than [she does] in every way" but I have been giving a lot of unsolicited advice in one particular area. It comes from a place of wanting to see people be happier, but it's unasked for, didactic, and prescriptive—which is not the way to be in a relationship with someone. So now I will henceforth hold myself back and listen openly and with sympathy, and any questions I ask will be genuine and asked without "hope or agenda." So although I am not an abuser, I'm a difficult person and need to sit back.
A person can always refuse to have that control exerted over them though- they can just refuse the advice or help. They can say, "thank you, but I disagree with your opinion here". If their right to have their own different opinion isn't respected, that is when it can turn into abuse
I agree, and this is interesting in the context of parenting. When an infant is born, you have to exert your control over it because it literally can't even move or hold its own head up! But a non-abusive parent developes a back-and-forth communication where the infant's expression (crying, happiness, weird faces) inform how and when the parent exerts control. As a child grows older, this relationship is constantly renegotiated as the child develops new abilities.
I think all relationships, even peer relationships, require a constant negotiation of power, advice, suggestion, change, reciprocity, offering, refusing. If you offer something to a friend (advice or a cup of tea) they can communicate with you whether or not it's helpful. If you don't take no for an answer, and you're just pouring the tea down their throats, obviously that's abusive.
I would be really sad if my friends stopped offering me advice or opinions, because I that's usually one of the reasons I'm friends with someone--because I respect their ideas and I want to learn from them. Obviously it's good to look at your friendships and make sure things are balanced and reciprocal, like taking turns paying for dinner!
Thank you. I need this today. I love my dummy man, and I'm a dummy, too.
Polly, my inner lawyer has definitely overstayed her welcome, specializing in guilt and worst-case scenarios. She’s exhausting but insists she’s “helping.”
This essay made me realize it’s time for her to retire plus her briefs are outdated. I might even throw her a farewell party with cake and a restraining order.
Thanks for the gentle nudge and reminding me that I don’t need to cross-examine myself to find peace.
Ouch!!! That was the best advice I have ever received. You dialed in on my exact most obnoxious flaw. :-[]
“Your insistence on FIXING THINGS using your brain and your argumentation and your unmatched naming-and-blaming services is what makes YOU difficult.” Hi, I’m the problem, it’s me!
A co-worker recently told me about a frustrating conversation he’d had with an employee, and after listening to his story I said, “Oh. You were litigating the facts when all she needed was for you to acknowledge her feelings.” It was a lightbulb moment for me because I always be litigating the facts! I fucking love to litigate. But I also consider myself someone who loves to acknowledge and discuss and dissect feelings. I think my journey is in learning when to use which skill (and then re-learning, and then learning some more in a new context, and then learning again forever and ever amen). Grateful to feel loved despite what makes me difficult.
Wish you weren’t always so damn Right all the time. 💙
I am back here re-reading (this is one of those Ask Polly letters that I will treat like scripture I can see) and I'm like, ok but I DO want "a super-sexy superhero soulmate"! LMAO
As a lawyer, god I’m fucking trying.
Wow. I cannot believe you put this out there today, of all days. I really needed this incredible advice. Thank you.
The accuracy is insane!!! Amazing, thank you <3
Oh goodness. Yes, I hear this and have felt this, and have come back from this, and have re-engaged with this type of thinking so many times. It's the road less travelled, but the one that leads to more treasures than you'd imagined.
This felt like a slap and a hug😭 needed that
Yesterday I really thought I had a Ask Polly dilemma and then I had therapy and landed more or less where this essay lands. I'm not the lawyer or the fixer, I'm just a messy person that is very scared of messy persons, and the lawyer-fixer (my inner asshole) is me being scared. Still processing but this essay hit the spot!
Heather, it’s like you read by mind or entered my life. I think I was silently punishing a close friend by rationalising in my own head about them rights and wrongs that have happened in the past. And as you said - I’m that person - who tags everyone from their own lens of righteousness and what not.
I needed this a lot and will come back to this to make peace with my feelings and move forward.
You are right. There are a lot of good people who are “difficult” at the moment. The why is not important. The advice “Tell me more about what you need” is exactly what I need to say to shift the narrative. Thank you.
Unbelievably good. Thank you.
"So here’s the hardest part: When trouble arises, you turn off your heart and your head takes over and you start to ARGUE. You have a point to make. You know exactly how this started, where it went wrong, who fucked up. You want to let this person know that you can see clearly what’s going on, and you know how to fix this shit. You can tell them exactly where they got it wrong. You can explain to them exactly what they haven’t figured out yet. YOU WILL HELP THEM IMPROVE. They just have to listen and accept that you can see the truth with clear eyes and they are in the dark."
This seems like a very clear case of trying to assert power and control over the other party. If that's a fair reading of the situation, how does this not constitute abuse? The very idea that one knows better than the other in every way, including the other party's own psyche, strikes me as profoundly self-aggrandizing and contemptuous.
So long as we take psychological and emotional abuse seriously - as we no doubt should - then I believe this question needs to be on the table. Especially with how common a scenario like this is in relationships of all kinds.
I am sure that in some cases it does constitute abuse. It's good to mention this, though I think Polly said what she's talking about today are difficult people, not abusers.
I have a friend who is making her life harder than it has to be. I have been telling her (with love and support!) what she could do to change her life. I'm not abusing her, but I am being the jerk Polly was describing. I wouldn't say I know "better than [she does] in every way" but I have been giving a lot of unsolicited advice in one particular area. It comes from a place of wanting to see people be happier, but it's unasked for, didactic, and prescriptive—which is not the way to be in a relationship with someone. So now I will henceforth hold myself back and listen openly and with sympathy, and any questions I ask will be genuine and asked without "hope or agenda." So although I am not an abuser, I'm a difficult person and need to sit back.
A person can always refuse to have that control exerted over them though- they can just refuse the advice or help. They can say, "thank you, but I disagree with your opinion here". If their right to have their own different opinion isn't respected, that is when it can turn into abuse
I agree, and this is interesting in the context of parenting. When an infant is born, you have to exert your control over it because it literally can't even move or hold its own head up! But a non-abusive parent developes a back-and-forth communication where the infant's expression (crying, happiness, weird faces) inform how and when the parent exerts control. As a child grows older, this relationship is constantly renegotiated as the child develops new abilities.
I think all relationships, even peer relationships, require a constant negotiation of power, advice, suggestion, change, reciprocity, offering, refusing. If you offer something to a friend (advice or a cup of tea) they can communicate with you whether or not it's helpful. If you don't take no for an answer, and you're just pouring the tea down their throats, obviously that's abusive.
I would be really sad if my friends stopped offering me advice or opinions, because I that's usually one of the reasons I'm friends with someone--because I respect their ideas and I want to learn from them. Obviously it's good to look at your friendships and make sure things are balanced and reciprocal, like taking turns paying for dinner!