I agree with Polly 99% of the time. But...I am a refugee from a PhD program that I entered for all of the reasons you state. I really don't mean to be a downer, but a PhD program can destroy your life. The idealism you have now is usually mostly beaten out of grad students within a few years, and entering the PhD job markets tends to finish it off. It is not a place to go to search for wisdom and truth, though there will be patches of that here and there. It's a place to go to get advanced job training to become a professor. Think of it as deciding to go to medical, dental, or law school.
Most of my friends who became professors are now in their 50s and burned out or never got a job and have been struggling ever since. All of the problems you have with your current situation are there in huge measure, along with a high degree of gaslighting and infantilization. When I was a grad student, I saw things in my cohort like divorces and going to the emergency room with stress-induced acute illness. These things are not unusual. You want to be free of "drowning" but entering a PhD program may just make that happen even more intensely.
Also, I work as a higher ed staff in an academic-adjacent position, and you really need to understand that AI is in the process of utterly consuming the university. Generative AI is eating the brains of administrators, faculty and students alike with horrifying speed, and in my opinion the world there seems to be rapidly evolving into people with some version of AI psychosis and the rest of us who feel like we are being indoctrinated into a cult or are on an episode of Pluribus. My prof friends say that it's now routine for even grad students to just write their papers with generative AI. No not all students do this and most of them don't even want it, but in most universities AI appears to be basically being crammed down their throats even though many of them want nothing to do with it.
There are still great things that happen in PhD programs that are like what you describe. But understand that right now you will be surrounded by people who now use Claude to do everything. You didn't say what field you were interested in I don't think, but know that education PhD programs have, for instance, people developing "ed tech" that most schoolkids and teachers would regard with horror. Also most of what people do research on in PhD programs in education rarely makes it into actual classrooms.
Recent federal changes have also gutted university budgets for many reasons, and programs are being cut back or ended. It's a dumpster fire in so many ways right now.
If you really want to do a PhD I suggest several things: Do NOT go to any program where you have to take out loans. Most good programs will fully fund grad students. Also: Highly recommend you check out PhD programs in Europe, which are not only cheaper and shorter but do not suffer from many of the problems American ones do. Canada is an option also. Because you have been in the real world for a while, you will be better off than many people who went directly into a PhD from undergrad. You also have a profession you can go back to. Keep that stuff in mind when you do your PhD. Also do a hard look at the job market for whatever you want to get your PhD in.
You wrote "When I write about something I care about, I feel a sense of calm and purpose that I rarely feel at work right now." Have you considered MFA writing programs instead of a PhD? Because academic writing is now being consumed by generative AI, and in many programs you will be told to use it even though real writers regard it with horror. Creative programs also see ChatGPT-generated work but I wonder if you would find much more of what you are looking for in a creative writing program. (Again, though, don't do an MFA unless you have full funding or an outside source of of income unrelated to whether you get a job related to your degree.)
Again, I don't mean to be a downer. But please look into the practical realities of a PhD program and make sure you go into it with a clear head. It can be the things you want. But it can also be very much not that.
The bit about it being cheaper and shorter in Europe, yes - absolutely the case here in the UK, and a PhD from a top British university (e.g. a Russell Group one) would be presumably be well-regarded in the US? I think the only question is funding, but I know it can be wangled, it's not impossible!
The AI eating everyone's brains thing is so depressing.
Ahh, the very same question I went back-and-forth on a million times many years ago in my mid-twenties! The best advice I got at the time (there was no Heather, so y'know...) was from my friend who had just finished his own PhD and is now a writer and professor - he said:
"Whatever subject you pick to do your PhD on, make sure it nourishes you".
It was such great advice, especially because PhDs are so long, and you need to love it enough deep down, I guess, to keep being able to come back to it.
And fwiw – I didn't do one in the end because I never found the topic that truly nourished me - I kept flipping between things that never felt quite right. But it was probably because I wanted to write novels much, much more – that was my own paradise. So maybe really honing in on the right subject for yours and making sure you'd get what you're hoping for out of it, as much as possible, will give you even more information as to whether you can hack the boring, hard and lonely bits?
Gah, yes, I also hate to be one the whiny PhD drop-outs in the comments, but...! Of my six fellow academia pals that stuck it out and got the degree, four of them have left their field of choice and moved in a new direction. Of the two remaining, one is adjuncting for $40k a year at a community college (after attending a prestigious university!) and the other is an associate professor in a rapidly shrinking department where she's required to teach five classes a semester *and* serve as the department chair. It is... bleak.
PhD-track grad school is soul-crushing in a way that I'm afraid people don't understand unless they're in it. I wish I could agree with Polly here because yes! Optimism and fuck the naysayers! Harness your verve! That's excellent advice, absolutely. But I wonder if there are other ways to follow your desire to make system-level change? I serve on the local school board of my city which presents many opportunities to pull higher up levers to influence change for students. I've also worked at nonprofits focused on reimagining education--which could be another possible avenue to pursue.
I also thought that working for a non-profit might be a better way for the LW to effect change than going into academia. In my experience, academia is good at diagnosing the problem and less good at offering scaleable solutions. (Speaking as somebody who was an academic for 25 years!)
As someone who has supervised PhD students, I will give the LW the same advice I have always given them: do a PhD because you want to do a PhD, not because you want to be an academic. That's not just because it's so difficult to get an academic job, but because the reality of being an academic (while it has many good things about it) is nothing like the romantic version in our heads. If you can imagine getting your PhD and walking away happy, then you should definitely go for it!
I'd also say: choose your advisor as carefully as you would choose a therapist. More carefully, because it's much easier to change therapist! I don't know about the US, but here in the UK, a potential advisor should be willing to meet with you to discuss your ideas, and help you shape your proposal before you apply. If they are not, that raises questions for me about how hands-on and helpful they will be when you are actually on the programme.
I loved my PhD (University of Edinburgh). I hated academia. As a result I got my PhD and then... just didn't stay in academia afterwards. That is absolutely an option.
Recovered academic here. Regrets about giving up a good-fit professorship for a bad-fit professorship in order to live in the same town as my professor spouse (about whom I have zero regrets), but no regrets about having a PhD. None at all. I too am a procrastinator--it's just how I operate--so I hope letter writer will forgive themselves if they sometimes play too much online solitaire instead of working on that dissertation chapter. Go someplace that pays you to be a student. Stop with a Master's degree if you decide a PhD is not a good fit. And either way, enjoy building those deep reading and critical thinking skills.
Polly - I always look to your brilliant mind for finding words. Thank you to BBGRog & you for the discourse. As a 66 year old who went back to school after a bunch of different stuff - got my masters & credential in my late 40’s - going back to school saved my soul & now in many ways has saved my life. Not coz of the money but by giving me back my own sense of agency in my own life- decisions made by me for me. I agree with many of our fellow humans - no debt, make sure it feeds you, stay in your body NO MATTER WHAT . Do not desert yourself for the piece of paper but rather use it as a platform to blow the roof off of other folks thinking. We need more thinkers. Watch Jimmy Kimmel ask folks what is a fact ? Between AI & all the other crap - engaging in simple meaningful conversation with another human has become a challenge. Help our future leaders put a token over that box on their bingo card. Teaching kindergartners was the best job I have ever had. Whatever you chose to do - your enthusiasm is a light in the dark for others. Nurture your own sense of agency - feed your soul, look for good long term pension plans, stay out of debt & set the fucking world on fire with your positive energy ! Want to join your fan club.
I work in health and human services; there's a strong likelihood that I'll become the executive director in a few years. I constantly feel this terrible tug between: I really don't know if I can continue to work in this fucked up industry (fucked up because of funding difficulities; because the solutions are deeply inadequate for people's actual lives; fucked up because I hate the politics it will require me to play) and "if I have the chance to wield a resource to make my neighborhood better, I should take it." I'm really tired. Often cynical and discouraged. I'd like... whichever way I decide...to learn a little more to work, work, work when that's required and then lean into joy in the present.
I second everything in here. I started my PhD 4 years ago at 38 and have not regretted the decision for a second. It *is* hard and the financial stress is real, but it is the most rewarding, most inspiring thing I have ever done. Do it! Otherwise what? Are we just all going to meet the apocalypse at our 9-5 with a mouthful of bad salad?!
Excising the prince: my favorite Rapunzel is Bethan Woolvin’s: Rapunzel procures some scissors, cuts off her long braids when the witch is climbing them, who falls to her death. She makes friends with the forest animals and rides away on one of them.
As a recently retired academic who remains deeply frustrated with the system but who ultimately believes that I made the right choice if the right choice meant working with incredibly inspiring young people who have gone on to do good and great things,for 30 years, I wholeheartedly approve this message.
I agree with Polly 99% of the time. But...I am a refugee from a PhD program that I entered for all of the reasons you state. I really don't mean to be a downer, but a PhD program can destroy your life. The idealism you have now is usually mostly beaten out of grad students within a few years, and entering the PhD job markets tends to finish it off. It is not a place to go to search for wisdom and truth, though there will be patches of that here and there. It's a place to go to get advanced job training to become a professor. Think of it as deciding to go to medical, dental, or law school.
Most of my friends who became professors are now in their 50s and burned out or never got a job and have been struggling ever since. All of the problems you have with your current situation are there in huge measure, along with a high degree of gaslighting and infantilization. When I was a grad student, I saw things in my cohort like divorces and going to the emergency room with stress-induced acute illness. These things are not unusual. You want to be free of "drowning" but entering a PhD program may just make that happen even more intensely.
Also, I work as a higher ed staff in an academic-adjacent position, and you really need to understand that AI is in the process of utterly consuming the university. Generative AI is eating the brains of administrators, faculty and students alike with horrifying speed, and in my opinion the world there seems to be rapidly evolving into people with some version of AI psychosis and the rest of us who feel like we are being indoctrinated into a cult or are on an episode of Pluribus. My prof friends say that it's now routine for even grad students to just write their papers with generative AI. No not all students do this and most of them don't even want it, but in most universities AI appears to be basically being crammed down their throats even though many of them want nothing to do with it.
There are still great things that happen in PhD programs that are like what you describe. But understand that right now you will be surrounded by people who now use Claude to do everything. You didn't say what field you were interested in I don't think, but know that education PhD programs have, for instance, people developing "ed tech" that most schoolkids and teachers would regard with horror. Also most of what people do research on in PhD programs in education rarely makes it into actual classrooms.
Recent federal changes have also gutted university budgets for many reasons, and programs are being cut back or ended. It's a dumpster fire in so many ways right now.
If you really want to do a PhD I suggest several things: Do NOT go to any program where you have to take out loans. Most good programs will fully fund grad students. Also: Highly recommend you check out PhD programs in Europe, which are not only cheaper and shorter but do not suffer from many of the problems American ones do. Canada is an option also. Because you have been in the real world for a while, you will be better off than many people who went directly into a PhD from undergrad. You also have a profession you can go back to. Keep that stuff in mind when you do your PhD. Also do a hard look at the job market for whatever you want to get your PhD in.
You wrote "When I write about something I care about, I feel a sense of calm and purpose that I rarely feel at work right now." Have you considered MFA writing programs instead of a PhD? Because academic writing is now being consumed by generative AI, and in many programs you will be told to use it even though real writers regard it with horror. Creative programs also see ChatGPT-generated work but I wonder if you would find much more of what you are looking for in a creative writing program. (Again, though, don't do an MFA unless you have full funding or an outside source of of income unrelated to whether you get a job related to your degree.)
Again, I don't mean to be a downer. But please look into the practical realities of a PhD program and make sure you go into it with a clear head. It can be the things you want. But it can also be very much not that.
The bit about it being cheaper and shorter in Europe, yes - absolutely the case here in the UK, and a PhD from a top British university (e.g. a Russell Group one) would be presumably be well-regarded in the US? I think the only question is funding, but I know it can be wangled, it's not impossible!
The AI eating everyone's brains thing is so depressing.
Ahh, the very same question I went back-and-forth on a million times many years ago in my mid-twenties! The best advice I got at the time (there was no Heather, so y'know...) was from my friend who had just finished his own PhD and is now a writer and professor - he said:
"Whatever subject you pick to do your PhD on, make sure it nourishes you".
It was such great advice, especially because PhDs are so long, and you need to love it enough deep down, I guess, to keep being able to come back to it.
And fwiw – I didn't do one in the end because I never found the topic that truly nourished me - I kept flipping between things that never felt quite right. But it was probably because I wanted to write novels much, much more – that was my own paradise. So maybe really honing in on the right subject for yours and making sure you'd get what you're hoping for out of it, as much as possible, will give you even more information as to whether you can hack the boring, hard and lonely bits?
Gah, yes, I also hate to be one the whiny PhD drop-outs in the comments, but...! Of my six fellow academia pals that stuck it out and got the degree, four of them have left their field of choice and moved in a new direction. Of the two remaining, one is adjuncting for $40k a year at a community college (after attending a prestigious university!) and the other is an associate professor in a rapidly shrinking department where she's required to teach five classes a semester *and* serve as the department chair. It is... bleak.
PhD-track grad school is soul-crushing in a way that I'm afraid people don't understand unless they're in it. I wish I could agree with Polly here because yes! Optimism and fuck the naysayers! Harness your verve! That's excellent advice, absolutely. But I wonder if there are other ways to follow your desire to make system-level change? I serve on the local school board of my city which presents many opportunities to pull higher up levers to influence change for students. I've also worked at nonprofits focused on reimagining education--which could be another possible avenue to pursue.
I also thought that working for a non-profit might be a better way for the LW to effect change than going into academia. In my experience, academia is good at diagnosing the problem and less good at offering scaleable solutions. (Speaking as somebody who was an academic for 25 years!)
such incredibly good advice....
As someone who has supervised PhD students, I will give the LW the same advice I have always given them: do a PhD because you want to do a PhD, not because you want to be an academic. That's not just because it's so difficult to get an academic job, but because the reality of being an academic (while it has many good things about it) is nothing like the romantic version in our heads. If you can imagine getting your PhD and walking away happy, then you should definitely go for it!
I'd also say: choose your advisor as carefully as you would choose a therapist. More carefully, because it's much easier to change therapist! I don't know about the US, but here in the UK, a potential advisor should be willing to meet with you to discuss your ideas, and help you shape your proposal before you apply. If they are not, that raises questions for me about how hands-on and helpful they will be when you are actually on the programme.
I loved my PhD (University of Edinburgh). I hated academia. As a result I got my PhD and then... just didn't stay in academia afterwards. That is absolutely an option.
Recovered academic here. Regrets about giving up a good-fit professorship for a bad-fit professorship in order to live in the same town as my professor spouse (about whom I have zero regrets), but no regrets about having a PhD. None at all. I too am a procrastinator--it's just how I operate--so I hope letter writer will forgive themselves if they sometimes play too much online solitaire instead of working on that dissertation chapter. Go someplace that pays you to be a student. Stop with a Master's degree if you decide a PhD is not a good fit. And either way, enjoy building those deep reading and critical thinking skills.
Polly - I always look to your brilliant mind for finding words. Thank you to BBGRog & you for the discourse. As a 66 year old who went back to school after a bunch of different stuff - got my masters & credential in my late 40’s - going back to school saved my soul & now in many ways has saved my life. Not coz of the money but by giving me back my own sense of agency in my own life- decisions made by me for me. I agree with many of our fellow humans - no debt, make sure it feeds you, stay in your body NO MATTER WHAT . Do not desert yourself for the piece of paper but rather use it as a platform to blow the roof off of other folks thinking. We need more thinkers. Watch Jimmy Kimmel ask folks what is a fact ? Between AI & all the other crap - engaging in simple meaningful conversation with another human has become a challenge. Help our future leaders put a token over that box on their bingo card. Teaching kindergartners was the best job I have ever had. Whatever you chose to do - your enthusiasm is a light in the dark for others. Nurture your own sense of agency - feed your soul, look for good long term pension plans, stay out of debt & set the fucking world on fire with your positive energy ! Want to join your fan club.
I work in health and human services; there's a strong likelihood that I'll become the executive director in a few years. I constantly feel this terrible tug between: I really don't know if I can continue to work in this fucked up industry (fucked up because of funding difficulities; because the solutions are deeply inadequate for people's actual lives; fucked up because I hate the politics it will require me to play) and "if I have the chance to wield a resource to make my neighborhood better, I should take it." I'm really tired. Often cynical and discouraged. I'd like... whichever way I decide...to learn a little more to work, work, work when that's required and then lean into joy in the present.
I second everything in here. I started my PhD 4 years ago at 38 and have not regretted the decision for a second. It *is* hard and the financial stress is real, but it is the most rewarding, most inspiring thing I have ever done. Do it! Otherwise what? Are we just all going to meet the apocalypse at our 9-5 with a mouthful of bad salad?!
Excising the prince: my favorite Rapunzel is Bethan Woolvin’s: Rapunzel procures some scissors, cuts off her long braids when the witch is climbing them, who falls to her death. She makes friends with the forest animals and rides away on one of them.
Continue your education and continue to support democracy.
Go Blue Poems
A new poem daily until after the election.
Think about the corruption of values Republicans have shown supporting and defending a man credibly accused of abusing women and children. Shameful.
Our forefathers gave us a Constitution to follow
Trump's damage to our country is hard to swallow
Democracy means we are governed by the citizens
We elect our representatives to be more than just denizens
The war that he won on day one is still going on
We pay more so oil companies profits keep piling on
Our costs of raising a family keep on rising
Trump's war having us paying more is not surprising
Republicans take their oaths to the Constitution
Not to a corrupt president who seeks retribution
Our country is made up of many different races
Trump doesn't see people, only red and blue places
This president's focus is only on his own troubles
The Republican party keeps living in their bubbles
Trump and his cronies are running this town
Trump and his policies are keeping us down
Mr. President, it's not very manly. You always whining
Your Pardons were disgusting and defining
Trump uses the sacrifice of others as his to clone
Crosses are not props for him to climb on or own
Jackie Kennedy's rose gardens is gone
For cage fighting on the front lawn
We haven't forgotten about the Reflection Pool debacle
Costing us over 20 million, it is still empty, and a spectacle
You torn down the East Wing without approval
You don't own it, and the ballroom needs removal
You are a temporary tenant of the Whitehouse
The rendering of the ballroom looks like a golden outhouse
You were elected president to make our lives better
Not to enrich yourself or to become our debtor
You have broken your oath to the Constitution
The country will be voting soon, seeking a solution
Republicans are hiding the Epstein files, that will expose the President
It is our country's shame, but it is only Trump's embarrassment
Voting is our duty and Constitutional right
It is time for everyone to vote and join the fight.
Please restack and share my poems on FB and elsewhere, so the message is seen. Thanks, Packy Paules ✌️
As a recently retired academic who remains deeply frustrated with the system but who ultimately believes that I made the right choice if the right choice meant working with incredibly inspiring young people who have gone on to do good and great things,for 30 years, I wholeheartedly approve this message.