Last night I came home from work late and tired, having walked home in cute new boots that made my feet hurt from my day at the office in my "hybrid" job where going to the office feels like playacting and just leaves me wrung out. I stopped at the store and picked up fresh bucatini, sauce, meatballs so I could get dinner on the table for my growing 15-year-old (who always requires meals) and came into the house ready to slam it together. He was hovering expectantly in the kitchen I was trying not to be grumpy as I dug through the really awkward and messy pantry nook for the big pasta pot. I shook loose a bag of cocoa powder from the top shelf that flew open and coated the entire pantry nook in cocoa powder and I lost my shit in a string of vicious expletives. I started to clean it up and realized I couldn't deal and asked him to please do it which he did, reasonably well.
Later, after mediocre bucatini and sauce and meatballs, we shared a perfectly crisp, sweet and juicy apple and he told me things were going so well for him at school right now he almost feels overwhelmed. It was the best night.
Ha, I was recently packing for a big move and so proud of how well I’d packed, how neat everything was. I had a big box of foodstuffs and as I’m congratulating myself on my superhuman abilities, I try to stuff the bag of cocoa powder into an empty nook and it EXPLODES over every last inch of the contents of that box. I’m still washing cocoa dust off sauces and spice bottles, months later.
All that to say: I so feel you. And I’m glad your night ended in a delicious apple and some good news from your son.
Bucatini is so much better than spaghetti. Great choice! Also, I fucking hate dealing with cocoa powder. Even when accidents don't happen, there's ALWAYS a mess! Nothing better than a crisp apple.
You know, I thought I agreed with you but the bucatini is harder to slurp given the hollow center. We are speed eaters at our house and this was a serious detriment! :) But thank you!
I hate that I can't like or reply to a lot of these, not sure why! I press Reply and no box pops up. I'm reading everything here nonetheless. Next time I'll use the thread format, even though I don't like it as much. Clearly this hurricane of hate is overloading the system!
I know this is about hate but I love the new thing you’ve been doing on substack with starting a message board now and then. I always knew Ask Polly readers would be my soulmates and every time we do one of these I am reassured that there are so many other anxious, irritable, passionate, loving, cynical people in this world.
I appreciate this a lot. I hate to do too many of them because I think that can get old, but I also feel that Polly readers tend to have a lot in common and should be communing more often! I mean, I know that reading this particular thread has given me life. There's just so much to feel aggravated about right now and it feels good to know I'm not alone, not remotely, and everyone is in a real state at the moment.
I think Stuff We Love would also be good, along with Stuff We're Ambivalent About and What Is Love Really? and How Should I Spend My Free Time? and What Is A Friend? and How Should We Get Through This Fucking Winter? and Things That Bring Comfort and Here Is My Insane Irrational Fantasy of Who I Want to Be. Ha ha, whew. If anyone likes any of these in particular, tell me and I'll throw it out there next week, maybe as a bonus Friday post. But again, thank you for the encouragement!
My vote is for how should I spend my free time or what is a friend honestly I love any questions that adults ask each other that sound like a kids non-ficiton book series
I should've used their specific "thread" option to publish this. I like for all posts to look the same, and the thread one is formatted differently. But I'm guessing it can support all of these comments much better than this format does!
omg, yes. This past summer, I competed in a competition where I missed the goal I was going after. Friends would ask me how I felt about it, and when I'd answer honestly that I didn't do well and felt bad about it, they'd be like "you're your hardest critic, don't worry". Like, I'm not worried and I'm not beating myself up about it, lol but I had a very objective goal and I missed it by a lot, despite putting a lot of effort into training for it. I think I'm allowed to feel negatively about the outcome, stop blowing smoke.
Yes yes yes. Every single thing that makes you feel an emotion doesn't add up to OH NO IT'S YOUR LOW SELF-ESTEEM AGAIN! I often feel very confident and proud of my hard work and ALSO pissed about missing the mark or screwing something up.
AND THEY ASKED. That's the bit that always trips my little (OK, enormous) anger trigger: WHY DID YOU ASK ME HOW I FELT INSTEAD OF SAYING, "HEY, D., I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU HOW YOU SHOULD FEEL, SO COULD YOU GIVE ME SOME FUEL."
Related: "Don't be so down on yourself." Like dude, I feel every single way under the sun about myself, and when you ask HOW YOU FEEL I might be loving myself or pissed at myself or anything at all. But people hate extremes. They don't even like I AM FUCKING ON FIRE TODAY! because that's too much. Feeling shit is always too much for some people! It's fucking stupid! Let me be who I am without instructing me on how to be you. I don't listen to you say "things are fine, I guess, whatever" and then tell you FUCK DOESN'T ANYTHING RILE YOU UP or GET SOME PASSION IN YOUR LIFE MAN COME ON. I let you feel nothing, you let me feel some things!
Should I ever happen to feel nothing (in which case I'm sure everyone I've ever met would hear about it, e.g., HEY, LORI, I KNOW WE HAVEN'T SEEN EACH OTHER SINCE THE HELL ON EARTH KNOWN AS SEVENTH GRADE, BUT I WANTED YOU TO KNOW I AM FEELING NOTHING), that's unlikely to be a harbinger of any beneficial change.
FWIW, I'm capable of stepping back, thinking compassionately about how denial and displacement work, empathizing with another person's contextual need to fill a to-them frightening moment with an attempt at comfort—as though feelings were blue flames and comfort a fire extinguisher—and responding from that place ... but for the most part, I find that we just end up with chemical foam all over the windows and under the fridge and somehow making its way into the pet food. And I have, y'know, feelings about that outcome.
so, question - to everyone, not demanding an answer of you D minor! is there a non-shitty way of saying this to someone? just a simple, oh, I'm sorry, I was just answering your question, honestly. or does that sound passive-aggressive? I guess anything written on the internet sounds passive-agressive, so maybe with a rueful smile you'd get away with it?...
would love to know people's thoughts as this is such a frustrating thing.
and lately i am just saying... "I've had better years" (because this one is like non stop shitty). people ususally just laugh and say "oh do not say that!!" and I smile (sort of), get my coffe and walk away. the smile is the key.. really esasy for me and they don't feel bad. and I do not need to lie back, wich is really hard for me these days.
honey.. they are shamelessly ignoring YOUR feelings for their own sake. you can be passive agressive after that. (anyway.. i usually go to humour... ish solutions. like... "do you want the short answer or you want the real one??" somestimes they say "the short one". then... "oh, I don't have one".
Most of this depends on context for me: How well do I know the person in question? If it's someone I know well or have known for a long time, what's the general comfort level of our relationship? Where are we: Are there other people around; are we in a professional office, in my yard, walking along a city sidewalk? Are we face to face or online? What do I know about this person's history and what they might think they're saying, vs. what I think I'm hearing ... you know?
Sometimes I find silence speaks volumes. Ditto a pointed glance. But those rely on some degree of familiarity.
Got kind of far afield there, didn't I. "Oh, I took your question literally" could probably work in most scenarios.
Ugh, the worst. I know this type of response is about others' abilities to witness and hold space for their own challenging feelings with compassion, but it makes me feel like I can't be honest and very deeply unseen. It's okay to be sad!! If it's week 10 of me being sad about something like this, then okay, we can have a talk.
I also really dislike it when people tell me “don’t be so hard on yourself” at a moment when I’m feeling just fine about myself but am truly figuring out how to do something better. This happened to me with parenting recently, when I was wondering aloud to a friend about how not to respond by snapping when my kid whines, and they were like: be kind to yourself! Parenting is hard! You’re doing great! (But — I can be very defensive when I feel like people are either infantilizing me or ADVISING me)
RESOUNDING AMEN to this whole thread describing an UNDERRATED ANNOYANCE. What is with the people who can't bear to hear you be disappointed with your own performance, in any shape or form? Ugh. Shamala, you really summed it up here.
And it's all but impossible to explain to the Anxious Comforter, in the moment, why a look of slightly betrayed annoyance - rather than connected reassurance - has passed across my face, in response to their attempted "good friend" offering. In that moment, we're people from two different moral/emotional planets. It's one of the most confusing conversation enders I've run into!
I hadn't classified that response under the "Toxic Positivity" heading -- but you're all right, it's a manifestation of that!
Related: people telling you you are "suffering" from "impostor syndrome" when you identify a new gap in your skills. It's called I'M LITERALLY NEW AND HAVE THINGS I'M NOT GOOD AT YET. Is that not allowed anymore? We all have to walk around serene and self-contained as Wonder Woman, even when we're new on the job? Gets my goat.
YES, I didn’t learn to feel my feelings until I was thirty-fucking-two years old thanks to this shit. If I feel angry and upset and hopeless and scared I am not only ALLOWED to feel that, but I actually HAVE to feel it so that I have even a whisper of a hope of moving on to solutions eventually when I’m ready.
This is such a good explanation of why we have to feel our feelings. Remind me to tell my mom/step-dad the next time they ask when my kid will learn to stop crying. Which, btw, I fucking hate.
Yes! I love how you summed this up so quickly! My family is so hooked on toxic positivity that I can't connect with them unless I'm spewing sunshine and rainbows. It's exhausting.
I hate being super obese because I’m just a person on the inside and people who don’t know me don’t see that first, or sometimes ever.
How did I get here? Years of anti-depressants accelerated rapid weight gain (before they determined the medications “contributed” to weight gain). I have never eaten two Big Macs or 6 pizzas or whatever people believe about fat people. I’m not at all lazy, I’m educated and successful. Once I hit 300 pounds, it really hurt to move and my depression multiplied and I started having a couple of drinks almost every night to ease the pandemic panic. Then I moved less and snacked more, but I eat 9 vegetables a day most of the time (really obese people tend to know a ton about nutrition from all the diets and nutritional education they’ve been through). I can’t stand candy or junk food. Now I’m 50 and the only exercise I can do is swimming.
Luckily, I really don’t care what strangers think of me, most of the time it doesn’t cross my mind or I’d never leave the house. In my mind, I’m normal size. When I see a photo of myself I spiral into an out of control depression, the reality seems hopeless and I can’t believe people love me.
I really hate it, it’s a constant battle covered in a mountain of hatred and judgement from society. We’re the last segment of the population that it’s acceptable to openly hate on. And prey on. Any doctor will tell you you’re a “perfect candidate” for surgery, but I’ve seen what the surgery does in the long term. Someday it’ll be outlawed, it’s not a viable solution, though some suffer through it.
Anyway, the struggle is real. Hug a fat person today! Be kind above all else.
ugh, man, so much about this. I'm a larger gal myself. Both in terms of body fat and muscle. I trained for years as a super heavyweight powerlifter. I feel that people only relax about my size when they learn that about me. Maybe they feel like it justifies me being this way, or maybe they're relieved that they don't have to tell me to exercise. I could easily squat, bench press, or deadlift the folks that that give me dirty looks, I can dress myself in clothes I like, I eat a balanced diet, and generally enjoy a healthy and full life. but still, I feel an absurd pressure to get smaller. I do not like looking at myself in photos, but that has been a lifelong thing at any size.
Ive been ghosted after date 7 by the first good prospect in a year, had my replacement feel-better date cancel on my the day of, my best friend is ignoring my texts and I’m half worried she’s not doing well half pissed off about that, my roommate just threw my Amazon package in the garbage because she resents answering the door when it rings and I spilled a glass of water on my work laptop five minutes ago. And my ex I’m not over and who I’d take back tomorrow just got engaged to someone who’s richer and has the degrees I wanted from the schools I didn’t get into and the job that rejected me and a tiny nose and massive boobs. Today i can’t hear ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ or ‘don’t jump to the worst conclusion’. Today blows. Tomorrow by comparison will have to do a pretty incredible job if it wants me to feel this bad again though, so good news is when I wake up tomorrow it probably won’t be as bad. I’ll rant here instead of to friends.
Oh god this is all terrible. I'm so sorry. When I was little I used to try to recollect all the other horrible things I could think of when I was feeling sad, just to pack on the max amount of badness I could conjure. I think it tricked my brain into then pinging to the opposite - like no, come on, it can't ACTUALLY be this bad. And I'd start to look for the good. If I were you I wouldn't start looking for the good yet, I'd just eat some ice cream or chocolate cake. But maybe tomorrow, as you say, there will be a smidgeon of good. Also I think big boobs are probably annoying to have, so, poor her.
I lost my entire shit at multiple people at our local warehouse store last week because they weren't wearing masks (which is mandated in our state). I yelled and cursed and it felt SO GOOD in the moment and then I felt like a supreme asshole.
I'm so fucking mad at my family who has been so stubborn over this entire pandemic and now won't even do a rapid test so we can all get together for Christmas. They think their precautions are good enough and we should all be fine with what they decide.
I remain furious at everyone who is OK with immunocompromised people just DYING like nbd. I will be forever furious at everyone who says "we're all gonna get it eventually" as if our FEAR OF DYING or living with another disability from long covid is unreasonable! Everything is broken!
My 1 yo got covid before thanksgiving. He’s fine now but we had to stay awake with him when he first came down with it and he was obviously in pain and miserable and wouldn’t stop crying. I’ve really been trying to not engage with the right wing nut jobs, but my son getting sick triggered all the fury and fear. I just got caught up thinking about how my son has lived his entire life in a pandemic and feeling so angry at people spreading anti-vax propaganda and how powerless I feel against it all.
My two-year-old had it last month. I spent several days paralyzed with fear and rage, wondering if he’d have long-term effects, and worrying about the new baby currently growing in my belly. Toddler is fine, we’re all fine, I just cannot fucking believe that two years later this is still where we are.
Ugh I know. I’m glad you’re all fine but that fear/rage response is real and it’s so unsatisfying that there’s nothing you can do with it. I hope you have a relatively peaceful rest of your pregnancy.
Not having UBI for everyone on the planet. Can you imagine how many great artists, poets, scientists, thinkers we would have if we had time, safe shelter and food to pursue what matters to us? All I see is this culture of working yourself to the ground so at the end of the day, even with that much work the only thing you can do is merely survive.
And we always say to ourselves: "One day, maybe one day I will pursue what I really wanted for some time now."
I hate it, i want to get off this system and run into the desert and become an archaeologist. Also a planetary scientist. No I'm not kidding, i just like science.
I hate my ex so so so much. He just quit his job so that his income will be less than mine for 2021 which will mean that I have to pay him child support after tax time next year. Meanwhile his dad is paying his rent for him, oh and did I mention that he just got a gun license (somehow the protection orders I had against him were irrelevant to that?) and he’s planning to go buy a bunch of guns.
UGH. A very similar thing just happened to a good friend of mine who had the misfortune of marrying (and divorcing) an irresponsible manchild with a trust fund and drug habit.
I hate not having clarity. Other people know what they want and need, and can see through situations. I see fog and I hate it.
I hate that we're destroying the planet and nobody stops buying useless shit, as if it's all a matter of recycling.
I hate bad manners. I mentioned to my boyfriend's sister that I just bought a cute house in Urbanville, and she said "Ew, Urbanville".
My leech of an ex husband I also hate. I supported him through grad school (until he was 40!) and the moment he got a job, married a young girl, abandoned our kids and demanded my pension.
I hate how society frames everything as "you have to work to live," but then after working I run out of energy and time to actually live! And there's so many dumb people out there spewing their hatred and stupidity and anger that it makes me feel like I have to hold in any ounce of righteous frustration I have and replace it with going off and being the main person responsible for fixing it (which is impossible to do alone and impossible to change at the flick of a switch - I'm thinking about the climate crisis here but goes for many things). I hate the housing market and how people upcharge for land and homes and shit just because people need them more. I hate when people don't think they'll ever be wrong. I hate that underneath-the-skin feeling I get when I'm talking to someone I can just tell has bigger expectations of where I should be at. I hate how we're all so under a microscope with technology - I want to be able to go disconnect for years, work really hard on some stuff and then bring it out into the open, not be expected to create with an open door for viewing. I hate this damn pandemic and all these silver linings we hoped it would create in the structure of our society that never came to fruition. I hate how the people with the most power never feel like they have to or should change. I never get to vent anymore because we're all feeling the same shitty-ness and it's just never as cathartic anymore but damn I'm glad for this thread. Somewhere to shout it all into the void!!!
Yeah, I have to say: There's nowhere to vent. Everyone is stressed. It's easy to have this growing feeling of NO ONE GETS IT but the truth is, everyone fucking gets a lot of it, because everyone is flipping the fuck out a little. Plus, as you said, it's so hard not to feel conflicted about being online. You want connection, because the world is so messed up, but you also want to unplug for a year.
I think the key is to get a little then back away before you start PACING and CIRCLING. Whatever though it's all rough. Thank you for posting, though. XO
"I want to be able to go ... work really hard on some stuff and then bring it out into the open, not be expected to create with an open door for viewing"
Thanks for opening up our rad complaining circle, it's great to be here!
I second the person who said that they were straight up tired of FEELING. I hate that the pandemic brought my feelings back to life for the first time since I was little and that I have to face them and live with them. UGH. WORST TIME TO FEEL AGAIN. I hate feeling like being safe and cautious and realistic isn't cool these days. That so many people have decided that we should just keep living how we did before. I guess they're ignoring their feelings too. I HATE THAT WE ARE TRAINED TO DO THAT. I hate feeling tired and stressed and achy and uncomfortable most of the time. I hate that everyone is tapped out with no recovery in sight. I hate that it's so hard for me to feel joy most of the time. I hate that people won't take care of each other. I hate not being paid enough money to live modestly. I'm so pissed off that my own breakthroughs about myself are coming during the pandemic. I get so mad that my boyfriend and I can't go to a diner because it's short staffed and everyone inside isn't wearing a mask or tipping the waiter. I hate that work just takes and takes and takes from people. I can't take my own brain shitting on me anymore. I HATE INSTAGRAM.
I hate when someone does something that annoys me but my brain extrapolates this unique situation to be emblematic of a theme (e.g. - a man at work interrupts me; I get pissed off with the patriarchy, or a friend's behavior reminds me of dysfunctional family dynamics and I'm not only pissed off at the friend but also at my dysfunctional family). It's not that my brain is necessarily wrong - I just find it easier to get over unique annoyances and go about my day. The bigger themes tend to ruin my mood and make me dwell.
Oooooh, this is a good one. And sometimes you skip right past a particular hateable problem/theme and go right to how terrible *people* are or can be. And then you find yourself staring down the barrel of the burden of the human condition when all you were trying to do is buy your groceries or get to work!
I hate those complicated board games that got popular a few years ago. All my friends love that shit and I never understand them and they are so annoying and boring! We are adults, please let's just drink hahaha
This is funny but god I really love Wingspan. Maybe because it's *just* about birds, though it is a little complicated. Need to trade my drinking friends for your board game friends for a few hours a week.
I also hate these complicated games with a deadly passion as well. I used to work for a games company, never do this if you think games are about having fun and that should be the main point of them. Apparently it’s all about game theory and making things so fucking layered you basically need a degree to understand them.
I hate that games have been taken over by people trying to prove that games are worthy because they are now Serious and Intellectual. Like, just having fun together with some other people is too lightweight, god forbid you do something that children might do! And also, of course: the patriarchy raises its ugly head here too.
(I want to say here I know that complexity can add interest to things! Games that are too simple are probably not much fun either! But too many of these games are just complicated for the sake of it, and the complexity doesn’t add much to the game play.)
Wow, I didn’t realise I had so much to say on this topic! Thank you letting me express my rage.
Argh, yes! Ia actually wrote a much longer comment on this (but edited it for fear of seeming like too much of a crank) around how colonisation is a big part of this too - both in the contact and lack of recognition of the different cultural origins of many games that are familiar around the world.
Haha! I have no opinion about complicated games, or am slightly in favor, but I love that you guys hate them. And I hear the thing about colonialism/ extraction.
I hate how 19 months later we are still having to figure out Covid protocol. I hate how every initiation of a social event that could be inside requires a discussion about people's comfort levels and hesitancy to commit and discussion about getting tested first. No one entertains inside anymore (I say this as someone who is pro-mask and is triple-vaxed). I feel like I have forgotten how to dress because I need to bundle up for outdoor stuff or dress like a camp counselor for sweaty/buggy stuff, depending on the season.
I hate how everything feels like/requires admin work-- the endless emails from my kids schools, planning social events (see above).
And I super fucking hate that we continue to be held by gunpoint by Republicans about addressing climate change.
I hate my job and I've been trying to leave for the past 2 years. I can't tell you how many interviews I've had. My job continues to crush my mental health, but my current position pays so little that I have no savings to tide me over, so I can't quit just to quit. I hate the economic system we live in, and I hate that I'm stuck right now.
Last night I came home from work late and tired, having walked home in cute new boots that made my feet hurt from my day at the office in my "hybrid" job where going to the office feels like playacting and just leaves me wrung out. I stopped at the store and picked up fresh bucatini, sauce, meatballs so I could get dinner on the table for my growing 15-year-old (who always requires meals) and came into the house ready to slam it together. He was hovering expectantly in the kitchen I was trying not to be grumpy as I dug through the really awkward and messy pantry nook for the big pasta pot. I shook loose a bag of cocoa powder from the top shelf that flew open and coated the entire pantry nook in cocoa powder and I lost my shit in a string of vicious expletives. I started to clean it up and realized I couldn't deal and asked him to please do it which he did, reasonably well.
Later, after mediocre bucatini and sauce and meatballs, we shared a perfectly crisp, sweet and juicy apple and he told me things were going so well for him at school right now he almost feels overwhelmed. It was the best night.
This is really nice! Uh oh crying! Very good, carry on!
I love this a lot. And if I knew you, I'd send you a jar for your cocoa, because baking product design sucks a lot.
Oh, this was nice to read. Sometimes all we need is a good rage quit and someone to be there. :)
I agree. I could hear the Sondheim song "You Are Not Alone" playing in my head as I read it.
You are an excellent mom. Keep up the good work. ❤️
Oh my goodness, thank you so much. Grateful for all of these comments and this grumpy little community with HH at the helm!
You are so welcome. My sons are 9 and 6 and your story gives me hope for the future. :)
I cried too!! ❤️
Ha, I was recently packing for a big move and so proud of how well I’d packed, how neat everything was. I had a big box of foodstuffs and as I’m congratulating myself on my superhuman abilities, I try to stuff the bag of cocoa powder into an empty nook and it EXPLODES over every last inch of the contents of that box. I’m still washing cocoa dust off sauces and spice bottles, months later.
All that to say: I so feel you. And I’m glad your night ended in a delicious apple and some good news from your son.
It is sticky and nefarious stuff! At least it smells good? And thank you!
Bucatini is so much better than spaghetti. Great choice! Also, I fucking hate dealing with cocoa powder. Even when accidents don't happen, there's ALWAYS a mess! Nothing better than a crisp apple.
You know, I thought I agreed with you but the bucatini is harder to slurp given the hollow center. We are speed eaters at our house and this was a serious detriment! :) But thank you!
That GD cocoa powder! Why do they sell them in such crummy receptacles! It's lovely your kid was able to step in and handle it for you <3
I hate that I can't like or reply to a lot of these, not sure why! I press Reply and no box pops up. I'm reading everything here nonetheless. Next time I'll use the thread format, even though I don't like it as much. Clearly this hurricane of hate is overloading the system!
I know this is about hate but I love the new thing you’ve been doing on substack with starting a message board now and then. I always knew Ask Polly readers would be my soulmates and every time we do one of these I am reassured that there are so many other anxious, irritable, passionate, loving, cynical people in this world.
I appreciate this a lot. I hate to do too many of them because I think that can get old, but I also feel that Polly readers tend to have a lot in common and should be communing more often! I mean, I know that reading this particular thread has given me life. There's just so much to feel aggravated about right now and it feels good to know I'm not alone, not remotely, and everyone is in a real state at the moment.
I think Stuff We Love would also be good, along with Stuff We're Ambivalent About and What Is Love Really? and How Should I Spend My Free Time? and What Is A Friend? and How Should We Get Through This Fucking Winter? and Things That Bring Comfort and Here Is My Insane Irrational Fantasy of Who I Want to Be. Ha ha, whew. If anyone likes any of these in particular, tell me and I'll throw it out there next week, maybe as a bonus Friday post. But again, thank you for the encouragement!
+1 Here Is My Insane Irrational Fantasy of Who I Want to Be!!
My vote is for how should I spend my free time or what is a friend honestly I love any questions that adults ask each other that sound like a kids non-ficiton book series
I really like it too! It's always very fun. I don't even mind the notifications because it reminds me to check new posts!
I should've used their specific "thread" option to publish this. I like for all posts to look the same, and the thread one is formatted differently. But I'm guessing it can support all of these comments much better than this format does!
I hate toxic positivity!!!! I can reframe after I feel my feelings please and thank you!
omg, yes. This past summer, I competed in a competition where I missed the goal I was going after. Friends would ask me how I felt about it, and when I'd answer honestly that I didn't do well and felt bad about it, they'd be like "you're your hardest critic, don't worry". Like, I'm not worried and I'm not beating myself up about it, lol but I had a very objective goal and I missed it by a lot, despite putting a lot of effort into training for it. I think I'm allowed to feel negatively about the outcome, stop blowing smoke.
Yes yes yes. Every single thing that makes you feel an emotion doesn't add up to OH NO IT'S YOUR LOW SELF-ESTEEM AGAIN! I often feel very confident and proud of my hard work and ALSO pissed about missing the mark or screwing something up.
AND THEY ASKED. That's the bit that always trips my little (OK, enormous) anger trigger: WHY DID YOU ASK ME HOW I FELT INSTEAD OF SAYING, "HEY, D., I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU HOW YOU SHOULD FEEL, SO COULD YOU GIVE ME SOME FUEL."
Related: "Don't be so down on yourself." Like dude, I feel every single way under the sun about myself, and when you ask HOW YOU FEEL I might be loving myself or pissed at myself or anything at all. But people hate extremes. They don't even like I AM FUCKING ON FIRE TODAY! because that's too much. Feeling shit is always too much for some people! It's fucking stupid! Let me be who I am without instructing me on how to be you. I don't listen to you say "things are fine, I guess, whatever" and then tell you FUCK DOESN'T ANYTHING RILE YOU UP or GET SOME PASSION IN YOUR LIFE MAN COME ON. I let you feel nothing, you let me feel some things!
Y
E
S
Should I ever happen to feel nothing (in which case I'm sure everyone I've ever met would hear about it, e.g., HEY, LORI, I KNOW WE HAVEN'T SEEN EACH OTHER SINCE THE HELL ON EARTH KNOWN AS SEVENTH GRADE, BUT I WANTED YOU TO KNOW I AM FEELING NOTHING), that's unlikely to be a harbinger of any beneficial change.
FWIW, I'm capable of stepping back, thinking compassionately about how denial and displacement work, empathizing with another person's contextual need to fill a to-them frightening moment with an attempt at comfort—as though feelings were blue flames and comfort a fire extinguisher—and responding from that place ... but for the most part, I find that we just end up with chemical foam all over the windows and under the fridge and somehow making its way into the pet food. And I have, y'know, feelings about that outcome.
yes!
so, question - to everyone, not demanding an answer of you D minor! is there a non-shitty way of saying this to someone? just a simple, oh, I'm sorry, I was just answering your question, honestly. or does that sound passive-aggressive? I guess anything written on the internet sounds passive-agressive, so maybe with a rueful smile you'd get away with it?...
would love to know people's thoughts as this is such a frustrating thing.
and lately i am just saying... "I've had better years" (because this one is like non stop shitty). people ususally just laugh and say "oh do not say that!!" and I smile (sort of), get my coffe and walk away. the smile is the key.. really esasy for me and they don't feel bad. and I do not need to lie back, wich is really hard for me these days.
honey.. they are shamelessly ignoring YOUR feelings for their own sake. you can be passive agressive after that. (anyway.. i usually go to humour... ish solutions. like... "do you want the short answer or you want the real one??" somestimes they say "the short one". then... "oh, I don't have one".
Most of this depends on context for me: How well do I know the person in question? If it's someone I know well or have known for a long time, what's the general comfort level of our relationship? Where are we: Are there other people around; are we in a professional office, in my yard, walking along a city sidewalk? Are we face to face or online? What do I know about this person's history and what they might think they're saying, vs. what I think I'm hearing ... you know?
Sometimes I find silence speaks volumes. Ditto a pointed glance. But those rely on some degree of familiarity.
Got kind of far afield there, didn't I. "Oh, I took your question literally" could probably work in most scenarios.
Ugh, the worst. I know this type of response is about others' abilities to witness and hold space for their own challenging feelings with compassion, but it makes me feel like I can't be honest and very deeply unseen. It's okay to be sad!! If it's week 10 of me being sad about something like this, then okay, we can have a talk.
I also really dislike it when people tell me “don’t be so hard on yourself” at a moment when I’m feeling just fine about myself but am truly figuring out how to do something better. This happened to me with parenting recently, when I was wondering aloud to a friend about how not to respond by snapping when my kid whines, and they were like: be kind to yourself! Parenting is hard! You’re doing great! (But — I can be very defensive when I feel like people are either infantilizing me or ADVISING me)
RESOUNDING AMEN to this whole thread describing an UNDERRATED ANNOYANCE. What is with the people who can't bear to hear you be disappointed with your own performance, in any shape or form? Ugh. Shamala, you really summed it up here.
And it's all but impossible to explain to the Anxious Comforter, in the moment, why a look of slightly betrayed annoyance - rather than connected reassurance - has passed across my face, in response to their attempted "good friend" offering. In that moment, we're people from two different moral/emotional planets. It's one of the most confusing conversation enders I've run into!
I hadn't classified that response under the "Toxic Positivity" heading -- but you're all right, it's a manifestation of that!
Related: people telling you you are "suffering" from "impostor syndrome" when you identify a new gap in your skills. It's called I'M LITERALLY NEW AND HAVE THINGS I'M NOT GOOD AT YET. Is that not allowed anymore? We all have to walk around serene and self-contained as Wonder Woman, even when we're new on the job? Gets my goat.
YES, I didn’t learn to feel my feelings until I was thirty-fucking-two years old thanks to this shit. If I feel angry and upset and hopeless and scared I am not only ALLOWED to feel that, but I actually HAVE to feel it so that I have even a whisper of a hope of moving on to solutions eventually when I’m ready.
This is such a good explanation of why we have to feel our feelings. Remind me to tell my mom/step-dad the next time they ask when my kid will learn to stop crying. Which, btw, I fucking hate.
Yes! I love how you summed this up so quickly! My family is so hooked on toxic positivity that I can't connect with them unless I'm spewing sunshine and rainbows. It's exhausting.
Yes!!
I hate being super obese because I’m just a person on the inside and people who don’t know me don’t see that first, or sometimes ever.
How did I get here? Years of anti-depressants accelerated rapid weight gain (before they determined the medications “contributed” to weight gain). I have never eaten two Big Macs or 6 pizzas or whatever people believe about fat people. I’m not at all lazy, I’m educated and successful. Once I hit 300 pounds, it really hurt to move and my depression multiplied and I started having a couple of drinks almost every night to ease the pandemic panic. Then I moved less and snacked more, but I eat 9 vegetables a day most of the time (really obese people tend to know a ton about nutrition from all the diets and nutritional education they’ve been through). I can’t stand candy or junk food. Now I’m 50 and the only exercise I can do is swimming.
Luckily, I really don’t care what strangers think of me, most of the time it doesn’t cross my mind or I’d never leave the house. In my mind, I’m normal size. When I see a photo of myself I spiral into an out of control depression, the reality seems hopeless and I can’t believe people love me.
I really hate it, it’s a constant battle covered in a mountain of hatred and judgement from society. We’re the last segment of the population that it’s acceptable to openly hate on. And prey on. Any doctor will tell you you’re a “perfect candidate” for surgery, but I’ve seen what the surgery does in the long term. Someday it’ll be outlawed, it’s not a viable solution, though some suffer through it.
Anyway, the struggle is real. Hug a fat person today! Be kind above all else.
ugh, man, so much about this. I'm a larger gal myself. Both in terms of body fat and muscle. I trained for years as a super heavyweight powerlifter. I feel that people only relax about my size when they learn that about me. Maybe they feel like it justifies me being this way, or maybe they're relieved that they don't have to tell me to exercise. I could easily squat, bench press, or deadlift the folks that that give me dirty looks, I can dress myself in clothes I like, I eat a balanced diet, and generally enjoy a healthy and full life. but still, I feel an absurd pressure to get smaller. I do not like looking at myself in photos, but that has been a lifelong thing at any size.
You sound like a total badass, Julie! Thanks for the rant.
i'm sending you an internet hug <3 i hate that our society is so fucking vile and hostile to fat folks (i am fat too)
Ive been ghosted after date 7 by the first good prospect in a year, had my replacement feel-better date cancel on my the day of, my best friend is ignoring my texts and I’m half worried she’s not doing well half pissed off about that, my roommate just threw my Amazon package in the garbage because she resents answering the door when it rings and I spilled a glass of water on my work laptop five minutes ago. And my ex I’m not over and who I’d take back tomorrow just got engaged to someone who’s richer and has the degrees I wanted from the schools I didn’t get into and the job that rejected me and a tiny nose and massive boobs. Today i can’t hear ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ or ‘don’t jump to the worst conclusion’. Today blows. Tomorrow by comparison will have to do a pretty incredible job if it wants me to feel this bad again though, so good news is when I wake up tomorrow it probably won’t be as bad. I’ll rant here instead of to friends.
Oh no. Unfollow that ex on all social media ASAP. You don’t need that in your life.
Oh god this is all terrible. I'm so sorry. When I was little I used to try to recollect all the other horrible things I could think of when I was feeling sad, just to pack on the max amount of badness I could conjure. I think it tricked my brain into then pinging to the opposite - like no, come on, it can't ACTUALLY be this bad. And I'd start to look for the good. If I were you I wouldn't start looking for the good yet, I'd just eat some ice cream or chocolate cake. But maybe tomorrow, as you say, there will be a smidgeon of good. Also I think big boobs are probably annoying to have, so, poor her.
I don't believe in hell but your date is going to hell for that ghosting, entirely beyond the pale.
That fucking sucks! We'll be here to read you vent :)
fuck me that does blow. oof. a stranger sends you a warm hug, for what it's worth. x
Who ghosts after date 7? That's awful and a totally unnatural way to treat another human. I'm sorry you went through all that shit.
Ghosted after 7 dates??? What a jerk!! As for everything else--the only cure truly is chocolate...stat!!
What a shitty time! Yikes -poor you!
Dumb rudeness can be so heartbraking. Also: I find a big nose very attractive, and boobs in whatever size.
I lost my entire shit at multiple people at our local warehouse store last week because they weren't wearing masks (which is mandated in our state). I yelled and cursed and it felt SO GOOD in the moment and then I felt like a supreme asshole.
I'm so fucking mad at my family who has been so stubborn over this entire pandemic and now won't even do a rapid test so we can all get together for Christmas. They think their precautions are good enough and we should all be fine with what they decide.
I remain furious at everyone who is OK with immunocompromised people just DYING like nbd. I will be forever furious at everyone who says "we're all gonna get it eventually" as if our FEAR OF DYING or living with another disability from long covid is unreasonable! Everything is broken!
My 1 yo got covid before thanksgiving. He’s fine now but we had to stay awake with him when he first came down with it and he was obviously in pain and miserable and wouldn’t stop crying. I’ve really been trying to not engage with the right wing nut jobs, but my son getting sick triggered all the fury and fear. I just got caught up thinking about how my son has lived his entire life in a pandemic and feeling so angry at people spreading anti-vax propaganda and how powerless I feel against it all.
My two-year-old had it last month. I spent several days paralyzed with fear and rage, wondering if he’d have long-term effects, and worrying about the new baby currently growing in my belly. Toddler is fine, we’re all fine, I just cannot fucking believe that two years later this is still where we are.
Ugh I know. I’m glad you’re all fine but that fear/rage response is real and it’s so unsatisfying that there’s nothing you can do with it. I hope you have a relatively peaceful rest of your pregnancy.
Oh boy. I hope your son is doing ok now! That sounds scary and frustrating, and your anger is understandable.
YES!! Like immunocomoromised people or my DARLING 97yo mother are less important than going out to a bar maskless!
Not having UBI for everyone on the planet. Can you imagine how many great artists, poets, scientists, thinkers we would have if we had time, safe shelter and food to pursue what matters to us? All I see is this culture of working yourself to the ground so at the end of the day, even with that much work the only thing you can do is merely survive.
And we always say to ourselves: "One day, maybe one day I will pursue what I really wanted for some time now."
I hate it, i want to get off this system and run into the desert and become an archaeologist. Also a planetary scientist. No I'm not kidding, i just like science.
Fuck the culture of work.
if only capitalism would let us breathe long enough to afford to do so many of those things we want to do!
Really hate this Supreme Court
Big hate.
I hate my ex so so so much. He just quit his job so that his income will be less than mine for 2021 which will mean that I have to pay him child support after tax time next year. Meanwhile his dad is paying his rent for him, oh and did I mention that he just got a gun license (somehow the protection orders I had against him were irrelevant to that?) and he’s planning to go buy a bunch of guns.
God, I already hate him too!
UGH. A very similar thing just happened to a good friend of mine who had the misfortune of marrying (and divorcing) an irresponsible manchild with a trust fund and drug habit.
Hate this for both of you!
Yikes :-O
I hate not having clarity. Other people know what they want and need, and can see through situations. I see fog and I hate it.
I hate that we're destroying the planet and nobody stops buying useless shit, as if it's all a matter of recycling.
I hate bad manners. I mentioned to my boyfriend's sister that I just bought a cute house in Urbanville, and she said "Ew, Urbanville".
My leech of an ex husband I also hate. I supported him through grad school (until he was 40!) and the moment he got a job, married a young girl, abandoned our kids and demanded my pension.
I hate how society frames everything as "you have to work to live," but then after working I run out of energy and time to actually live! And there's so many dumb people out there spewing their hatred and stupidity and anger that it makes me feel like I have to hold in any ounce of righteous frustration I have and replace it with going off and being the main person responsible for fixing it (which is impossible to do alone and impossible to change at the flick of a switch - I'm thinking about the climate crisis here but goes for many things). I hate the housing market and how people upcharge for land and homes and shit just because people need them more. I hate when people don't think they'll ever be wrong. I hate that underneath-the-skin feeling I get when I'm talking to someone I can just tell has bigger expectations of where I should be at. I hate how we're all so under a microscope with technology - I want to be able to go disconnect for years, work really hard on some stuff and then bring it out into the open, not be expected to create with an open door for viewing. I hate this damn pandemic and all these silver linings we hoped it would create in the structure of our society that never came to fruition. I hate how the people with the most power never feel like they have to or should change. I never get to vent anymore because we're all feeling the same shitty-ness and it's just never as cathartic anymore but damn I'm glad for this thread. Somewhere to shout it all into the void!!!
Yeah, I have to say: There's nowhere to vent. Everyone is stressed. It's easy to have this growing feeling of NO ONE GETS IT but the truth is, everyone fucking gets a lot of it, because everyone is flipping the fuck out a little. Plus, as you said, it's so hard not to feel conflicted about being online. You want connection, because the world is so messed up, but you also want to unplug for a year.
I think the key is to get a little then back away before you start PACING and CIRCLING. Whatever though it's all rough. Thank you for posting, though. XO
"I want to be able to go ... work really hard on some stuff and then bring it out into the open, not be expected to create with an open door for viewing"
YES. This x eleventy billion.
Thanks for opening up our rad complaining circle, it's great to be here!
I second the person who said that they were straight up tired of FEELING. I hate that the pandemic brought my feelings back to life for the first time since I was little and that I have to face them and live with them. UGH. WORST TIME TO FEEL AGAIN. I hate feeling like being safe and cautious and realistic isn't cool these days. That so many people have decided that we should just keep living how we did before. I guess they're ignoring their feelings too. I HATE THAT WE ARE TRAINED TO DO THAT. I hate feeling tired and stressed and achy and uncomfortable most of the time. I hate that everyone is tapped out with no recovery in sight. I hate that it's so hard for me to feel joy most of the time. I hate that people won't take care of each other. I hate not being paid enough money to live modestly. I'm so pissed off that my own breakthroughs about myself are coming during the pandemic. I get so mad that my boyfriend and I can't go to a diner because it's short staffed and everyone inside isn't wearing a mask or tipping the waiter. I hate that work just takes and takes and takes from people. I can't take my own brain shitting on me anymore. I HATE INSTAGRAM.
"tapped out with no recovery in sight" AMEN. I'M SO TIRED. when does this all END
I hate when someone does something that annoys me but my brain extrapolates this unique situation to be emblematic of a theme (e.g. - a man at work interrupts me; I get pissed off with the patriarchy, or a friend's behavior reminds me of dysfunctional family dynamics and I'm not only pissed off at the friend but also at my dysfunctional family). It's not that my brain is necessarily wrong - I just find it easier to get over unique annoyances and go about my day. The bigger themes tend to ruin my mood and make me dwell.
Oooooh, this is a good one. And sometimes you skip right past a particular hateable problem/theme and go right to how terrible *people* are or can be. And then you find yourself staring down the barrel of the burden of the human condition when all you were trying to do is buy your groceries or get to work!
YEP.
I do this too. Always trying to thread shit together and reacting.
omg, this is me too
Me, too. Sometimes I have to say NO THEMES, NO THREADS, NO LARGER SWEEPING PROBLEMS, THIS IS JUST ONE SQUIRREL RUNNING BY, GOODBYE SQUIRREL!
I have a google doc called “things I hate” that I wrote 10 years ago. Most of it still holds up:
People who drive really loud cars obnoxiously and also motorcycles
People who try to talk to me while I have headphones in (shutup)
Spam email
Fitting rooms
Fluorescent lights
Pencil sharpeners
Yelling
Excessive complaining
People who shouldn’t have blogs but do
Lines
When I am late not of my own accord (like if the train breaks down)
Crowds
When all you want is McDonalds and its closed
The smell of airplanes
Waiting
Board games that aren’t fun and make everyone feel awkward because you all want to stop playing but no one wants to admit it
Raisins
PS. Can we do a things we love one sometime too?
I hate those complicated board games that got popular a few years ago. All my friends love that shit and I never understand them and they are so annoying and boring! We are adults, please let's just drink hahaha
This is funny but god I really love Wingspan. Maybe because it's *just* about birds, though it is a little complicated. Need to trade my drinking friends for your board game friends for a few hours a week.
Was thinking about asking for Wingspan for Christmas. Hmmm.
It's a deal!
I also hate these complicated games with a deadly passion as well. I used to work for a games company, never do this if you think games are about having fun and that should be the main point of them. Apparently it’s all about game theory and making things so fucking layered you basically need a degree to understand them.
I hate that games have been taken over by people trying to prove that games are worthy because they are now Serious and Intellectual. Like, just having fun together with some other people is too lightweight, god forbid you do something that children might do! And also, of course: the patriarchy raises its ugly head here too.
(I want to say here I know that complexity can add interest to things! Games that are too simple are probably not much fun either! But too many of these games are just complicated for the sake of it, and the complexity doesn’t add much to the game play.)
Wow, I didn’t realise I had so much to say on this topic! Thank you letting me express my rage.
And aren’t many of them basically about colonization and extraction?
Argh, yes! Ia actually wrote a much longer comment on this (but edited it for fear of seeming like too much of a crank) around how colonisation is a big part of this too - both in the contact and lack of recognition of the different cultural origins of many games that are familiar around the world.
This is a crank safe space ;)
And I feel like it used to be called…just opinionated?
Haha! I have no opinion about complicated games, or am slightly in favor, but I love that you guys hate them. And I hear the thing about colonialism/ extraction.
love that you have a hate filled google doc - this is the kind of inspiration I like
Oh god the smell of airplanes is so nasty, why are they so gross?!
I hate how 19 months later we are still having to figure out Covid protocol. I hate how every initiation of a social event that could be inside requires a discussion about people's comfort levels and hesitancy to commit and discussion about getting tested first. No one entertains inside anymore (I say this as someone who is pro-mask and is triple-vaxed). I feel like I have forgotten how to dress because I need to bundle up for outdoor stuff or dress like a camp counselor for sweaty/buggy stuff, depending on the season.
I hate how everything feels like/requires admin work-- the endless emails from my kids schools, planning social events (see above).
And I super fucking hate that we continue to be held by gunpoint by Republicans about addressing climate change.
I hate my job and I've been trying to leave for the past 2 years. I can't tell you how many interviews I've had. My job continues to crush my mental health, but my current position pays so little that I have no savings to tide me over, so I can't quit just to quit. I hate the economic system we live in, and I hate that I'm stuck right now.