There were so many parallels in this submission to my life, I had to do a double take to see if I had written it. The submission made me cry and this came at a pivotal time for me. Thank you, as always, for your writing, Polly.
I came here to say the same! I wasn't expecting to be in tears thanks to Substack this morning. So overwhelmingly beautiful, poignant, and with parts that hit so close to home for me.
Thank you, Polly/Heather, and best wishes to you, Bridget!
Me three. This was really beautiful and maybe the best (or at least most directly applicable to my life, note by note) column of Polly's I've ever read. I wish all of you dealing with similar things peace and healing on this journey.
Another heart love gift to the world. But, having found my true home in Mexico after gasping for water and meaning in the States,I’ll say that being able to give—to children especially, but anyone really—breaks open your heart and frees you. Because it’s all about being able to forgive your self for being a child. And gradually the self hatred wanes, because you begin to love and embody that innocence again. When I die I hope to die as a child: in the moment with utter acceptance of reality, of life and death.
There is something embedded in this answer that is very important to artists, and female artists especially--making the art that is truly the cry of your soul instead of the art that is "good" or "useful" or "socially acceptable" or "gets approval."
I'm an artist and I'm also trying to figure this out. I am trying to untangle all the ways that I was told to make myself smaller or quieter or less weird, ever since childhood. And my actual interests, perversions, motivators, I keep secret because I want to keep them safe from other people's pressure on me.
I heard this quote long ago and I can't stop thinking about it:
“The most demanding part of living a lifetime as an artist is the strict discipline of forcing oneself to work steadfastly along the nerve of one’s own intimate sensitivity.” - - Anne Truitt
It's also possible that this person has under-treated major depressive disorder and all the talk therapy and weight lifting in the world won't help. MDD is real, it's largely genetic, and it can strike very young (yes, children can have major depressive episodes, so the fact that she's been feeling this way since age 7 could point in either direction). I, too, felt this poignant, terrible, existential crisis for most of my life, was in and out of therapy for decades, on and off anti-depressants, sought succor in philosophy, in nature, in relationships, in work. And then, 4 decades in, I tried the right anti-depressant at the right dosage. I'm not "happy" -- they aren't "happy pills." Instead, I have my same personality and what feels like a normal range of emotions (including suffering; including joy); I just no longer have the incessant, omnipresent Voice that life is pointless and worthless, and why not just end it already? For me - perhaps not for the LW - it was and is biochemical.
For anyone else who struggles this much, it's dangerous and potentially harmful to overlook that possibility. It's also potentially harmful to plant a trauma narrative where there may be none. Lots of people have trauma; too many. But not all depression is trauma-induced, and telling a person that they almost certainly have repressed trauma may encourage them to reinterpret their own history in a way that makes them worse.
I’m excited about research on the benefits of psilocybin and ketamine coming out as an option for “treatment resistant depression.” Despite the dumpster fire of the world, I often feel so grateful and hopeful to live in a time where there are so many options for ~mental health issues~ and we aren’t just sent for lobotomies 😇
Absolutely! MDMA assisted therapy really interests me, the author of the new book “The Tell” did it to overcome childhood sexual abuse and her account was fascinating.
I want to second this too. I spent decades trying to intellectualize my depression and being disappointed when goal x did not alleviate it. I now take that anhedonia as a sign that I need a different medication or treatment. I’m not well if I can’t enjoy music. I also find that being suicidal takes up the majority of my brain and emotional energy so I’ve had to change meds at different points and it’s helped.
I feel irresponsible because I have a partner and children and I struggle. I have a job and do chores but know that it’s not easy when you don’t have the will to keep going. It feels like you but maybe you just got a defective brain. Electric shock therapy, mdma, ketamine, antipsychotics, a pet- try to fix your brain to give yourself a chance. The Voice is not you.
"The Voice is not you": I really like that. It's a good one to hold on to. I don't know you but you seem like the opposite of irresponsible. You seem like someone who has kept trying, and keeps self-monitoring/self-managing even when it's really hard.
I love this answer so much... Especially the idea of adding physical, mental, psychological and spiritual challenges not as distractions but as life itself. I'd also suggest that Stuck might want to explore hypnotherapy (which, to me, feels half psychological and half spiritual) as a way to connect with those early traumas. In my experience it can be a wonderful release of intense emotions in a safe and nurturing environment. Sending much love.
I know lots of people get good results from EMDR but I hated it. I didn't like feeling physically trapped and motionless except for my eyes. I'm much happier doing qi gong or dance, or something that moves your whole body.
I surely hope your response will move her into her hero’s journey of self discovery. I had To go deeper into the woods and circle back home to find and love myself.
Excellent reply! It sounds like though that the writer needs a longer term depth therapy in which she has company on the journey through the sadness, shame and self blame. It's a scary journey to take alone. I would recommend that she seek out a therapist who will work closely with her, preferably in psychodynamic psychotherapy. It's not a quick fix or a "problem solving" therapy, but it is a journey and well worth taking WITH company.
This response was so powerful . You uncovered so many things that would probably take most therapists and people years to discover. I think this is something all humans need to unlock within themselves. The power to feel our way through life instead of living in our heads and listening to the many destructive narratives it creates. Thank you.
Like most Dear Polly reads, this moved something in me. So much resonated. I’ve been doing much of the crawling back to feeling described here. It was powerful for me to read this in first person—replacing the “you’s” with “I”. Very grateful for what you share on Substack. My garden is my form of art and faith. I will spend time there today surrendering to Stuck that is also inside of many of us.
There were so many parallels in this submission to my life, I had to do a double take to see if I had written it. The submission made me cry and this came at a pivotal time for me. Thank you, as always, for your writing, Polly.
I came here to say the same! I wasn't expecting to be in tears thanks to Substack this morning. So overwhelmingly beautiful, poignant, and with parts that hit so close to home for me.
Thank you, Polly/Heather, and best wishes to you, Bridget!
Me three. This was really beautiful and maybe the best (or at least most directly applicable to my life, note by note) column of Polly's I've ever read. I wish all of you dealing with similar things peace and healing on this journey.
Another heart love gift to the world. But, having found my true home in Mexico after gasping for water and meaning in the States,I’ll say that being able to give—to children especially, but anyone really—breaks open your heart and frees you. Because it’s all about being able to forgive your self for being a child. And gradually the self hatred wanes, because you begin to love and embody that innocence again. When I die I hope to die as a child: in the moment with utter acceptance of reality, of life and death.
There is something embedded in this answer that is very important to artists, and female artists especially--making the art that is truly the cry of your soul instead of the art that is "good" or "useful" or "socially acceptable" or "gets approval."
I'm an artist and I'm also trying to figure this out. I am trying to untangle all the ways that I was told to make myself smaller or quieter or less weird, ever since childhood. And my actual interests, perversions, motivators, I keep secret because I want to keep them safe from other people's pressure on me.
I heard this quote long ago and I can't stop thinking about it:
“The most demanding part of living a lifetime as an artist is the strict discipline of forcing oneself to work steadfastly along the nerve of one’s own intimate sensitivity.” - - Anne Truitt
In my 12-step fellowship, we say “You can’t think your way into healthier living. You have to live your way into healthier thinking.”
It's also possible that this person has under-treated major depressive disorder and all the talk therapy and weight lifting in the world won't help. MDD is real, it's largely genetic, and it can strike very young (yes, children can have major depressive episodes, so the fact that she's been feeling this way since age 7 could point in either direction). I, too, felt this poignant, terrible, existential crisis for most of my life, was in and out of therapy for decades, on and off anti-depressants, sought succor in philosophy, in nature, in relationships, in work. And then, 4 decades in, I tried the right anti-depressant at the right dosage. I'm not "happy" -- they aren't "happy pills." Instead, I have my same personality and what feels like a normal range of emotions (including suffering; including joy); I just no longer have the incessant, omnipresent Voice that life is pointless and worthless, and why not just end it already? For me - perhaps not for the LW - it was and is biochemical.
For anyone else who struggles this much, it's dangerous and potentially harmful to overlook that possibility. It's also potentially harmful to plant a trauma narrative where there may be none. Lots of people have trauma; too many. But not all depression is trauma-induced, and telling a person that they almost certainly have repressed trauma may encourage them to reinterpret their own history in a way that makes them worse.
I’m excited about research on the benefits of psilocybin and ketamine coming out as an option for “treatment resistant depression.” Despite the dumpster fire of the world, I often feel so grateful and hopeful to live in a time where there are so many options for ~mental health issues~ and we aren’t just sent for lobotomies 😇
Absolutely! MDMA assisted therapy really interests me, the author of the new book “The Tell” did it to overcome childhood sexual abuse and her account was fascinating.
I want to second this too. I spent decades trying to intellectualize my depression and being disappointed when goal x did not alleviate it. I now take that anhedonia as a sign that I need a different medication or treatment. I’m not well if I can’t enjoy music. I also find that being suicidal takes up the majority of my brain and emotional energy so I’ve had to change meds at different points and it’s helped.
I feel irresponsible because I have a partner and children and I struggle. I have a job and do chores but know that it’s not easy when you don’t have the will to keep going. It feels like you but maybe you just got a defective brain. Electric shock therapy, mdma, ketamine, antipsychotics, a pet- try to fix your brain to give yourself a chance. The Voice is not you.
"The Voice is not you": I really like that. It's a good one to hold on to. I don't know you but you seem like the opposite of irresponsible. You seem like someone who has kept trying, and keeps self-monitoring/self-managing even when it's really hard.
I love this answer so much... Especially the idea of adding physical, mental, psychological and spiritual challenges not as distractions but as life itself. I'd also suggest that Stuck might want to explore hypnotherapy (which, to me, feels half psychological and half spiritual) as a way to connect with those early traumas. In my experience it can be a wonderful release of intense emotions in a safe and nurturing environment. Sending much love.
My thought was trying EMDR and somatic experiencing as way to focus on FEELING rather than THINKING. Sending love to you Stuck.
I know lots of people get good results from EMDR but I hated it. I didn't like feeling physically trapped and motionless except for my eyes. I'm much happier doing qi gong or dance, or something that moves your whole body.
I’m glad you found something that works for you!
I surely hope your response will move her into her hero’s journey of self discovery. I had To go deeper into the woods and circle back home to find and love myself.
Excellent reply! It sounds like though that the writer needs a longer term depth therapy in which she has company on the journey through the sadness, shame and self blame. It's a scary journey to take alone. I would recommend that she seek out a therapist who will work closely with her, preferably in psychodynamic psychotherapy. It's not a quick fix or a "problem solving" therapy, but it is a journey and well worth taking WITH company.
SO BOSSETTE I JUST WANNA CAPS LOCK
This response was so powerful . You uncovered so many things that would probably take most therapists and people years to discover. I think this is something all humans need to unlock within themselves. The power to feel our way through life instead of living in our heads and listening to the many destructive narratives it creates. Thank you.
Had to keep stopping to cry. Thank you for this Polly.
Like most Dear Polly reads, this moved something in me. So much resonated. I’ve been doing much of the crawling back to feeling described here. It was powerful for me to read this in first person—replacing the “you’s” with “I”. Very grateful for what you share on Substack. My garden is my form of art and faith. I will spend time there today surrendering to Stuck that is also inside of many of us.
I can’t tell you how much I needed to read this today. One of the all-time ask Polly responses. Sending love to you, LW
This is so deep and touching.
I truly hope Stuck will find in your words a light for the dark tunnel she’s in. 🙏❤️
Just wow. thank you for this. so much resonance in this moment for me
Speechless..Thank you. I hope it gives to Stuck as well.