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Chandler's avatar

So much to relate to LW... and just as Polly said, I feel a desire to be your friend already! I had big relationship upheaval this last year, too, and am around your age. I also am unlearning the belief that to get closer to people means to suffer and that it costs an essential slice of yourself to be in one, whether that's in dating relationships or friendships.

What I am looking for in relationships these days is a feeling of ease; people who are as interested in sharing as much as they are in asking questions about me, people who don't give me such a hard time when I say "no." Instead of feeling like I get a "what's wrong with her?" I hear and feel "I totally get it." People who want to come over and sit on the couch, or in the back yard, and chat or not say anything at all, people who want to do dinner parties and go to the movies, people who you can call and celebrate good news with, and people who I trust because I know they'll set their own boundaries and be honest, too. People who aren't saying "save me," because I know they've taken responsibility for themselves.

The other day, I went on a hike with a guy I was romantically interested in, and felt anxious the whole time. I came back home and cried in my bed, and my friend was there and she laid there and listened to me as I said the worst things about myself-- that I get so frustrated when I don't show up as what I imagined my best self to be, that I alway feel like I fumble everything, that I hate how insecure I feel. Do you know the life saving thing she did? She held my hand and said "Any way you show up is worthy of being cared for and seen." That's love. I want more of that.

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Hanna Thomas Uose's avatar

Love this invitation. I appreciated what Heather said in another recent column, that friendships in your thirties can be a war zone, with people splintering off and doing all sorts of different things, moving to different places, and leaving the detritus of old friendships in their wake. I am in that place! What I am looking for in friendship now is a certain intensity that isn't about trauma bonding (had too much of that) but is just about an intensity of mind, and of spirit. People who are full of ideas and want to hear mine. Who are concerned with politics, art, spirit, their contribution to this world, the beauty of it. Who are FUNNY! Who love to go to great restaurants, and on road trips. Who will open up their homes, and come to mine. Who have a certain notion of family or community that doesn't just, by default, put ultimate primacy on their own nuclear family life, but is more expansive than that. Who will willingly engage in conversations about clothes, because I have literally no one in my life to talk about that with! And I know this isn't about making friends... but I live in London and Norwich, UK :)

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