Wonderful reading a couple weeks out from my own family beach vacation. my dad's family has been meeting up at the beach every summer since before I was born; I went every year growing up. As a kid it was my favorite vacation ever! now it's an emotionally challenging week. It's my dad and his 4 siblings, who are all in their 60s and 70s, their spouses, their kids, and now a new generation of young kids. there's so much weight and complexity, like there is in every family, and the weight is palpable. I tried to express this to my mom after we got back and she got upset. She hurried to say "if it's hard then you just shouldnt come!" I felt misunderstood, because I was trying to say that of COURSE I need to go every year, to be there, and feel it all. I'm 29 and my mom and are just starting to have these more honest conversations. it's been pretty hard. I hope we can keep trying to understand each other better.
thanks as always for your work about this!!
edit: to say that I'm definitely not blameless in this interaction--I probably said it in a tone that was upsetting to her! There's a weird balance to strike between trying to acknowledge reality (which I very much want to do) and also not come down too strongly on my mom, who just doesn't want me to be sad... sigh!
That sounds really hard. In that situation I can see my mom saying something along the lines of “look on the bright side” which in its own way is invalidating, but “then don’t come next time” seems a lot harsher. Why can’t moms just let us be sad/confused/frustrated?
Indeed!! I'm not sure if this is how it feels for you, but I feel like my mom's reactions are fundamentally anxious. she wants me to be happy, and any evidence that I might not be happy makes her scared and a little guilty (maybe because emotions in general are bad in her mind). She wants to give me an "out" of any bad feeling. I can see the protective impulse there, but I can also sense the anxiety, and it has the reverse result: I feel anxious because she's anxious, lol.
That's an interesting question. And you seem to have a very kind interpretation, looking past what she actual said and at the care you know she has for you. In my case, I've been thinking about it as my mom projecting her internal critic onto me, but maybe I'm being too harsh. I wonder, though, if there's maybe some of that happening in your case, given that her words were quite harsh? That she's having those same thoughts but isn't allowing herself to feel that way, then transferring the same pushing-down onto you when you voice the same concerns? Of course I'm totally speculating and projecting, so apologies if this doesn't fit your experience.
Beautiful! Even harder when the people in your circle are doing their best and their best truly falls short. It is easy to say they aren't trying, but we must acknowledge that everyone is doing their best, even when it pains us.
"Merely recognizing all of these difficulties is enough." -- this is SUCH a good reminder for me! I'm so hard on myself if I notice all these issues but can't fix them. If I've noticed and issue, I should be taking action! But the framing here is so much healthier.
I have never seen this topic written about, let alone with such insight (though not surprised it's coming from you, obviously!).
Absolutely stunning, gut-punch (in the best way) reading. I especially appreciated the line about how hard showing up is when you come from a chaotic home - it's sometimes feels so impossible to be a good person when you still kinda wanna scream "YOU ALL DID ME SO FUCKING WRONG" even though you know these people love you and you know they did their best given the time. And even in the anger, there's still a lot of beauty too. Noticing just how hard it is for EVERYONE is so, so huge. It's not that your needs aren't important, but being able to see and hold space for the idea that everyone is likely feeling what you're feeling can be a bit healing in its own right.
Thank you so much for your insights. I have done this much of my life—not staying in touch enough or sometimes at all) with the people I love and miss the most. I’ve been trying to break this pattern of behavior and to realize that even when I have dropped out, I can come back and be accepted and loved. My fear of rejection because I’ve not kept up has never proven to be true. It takes courage for me but I’m working on building up that muscle.
“Don’t protect yourself from the most important people in your life. Show up in spite of everything. This could be the last time. Notice the heaviness in your bones. Notice the afternoon sun on the grass. Notice the heavy sighs, the darting eyes, the efforts to be understood. Notice the dark clouds in the south at dusk, the dirty plates, the nervous laughter. Let it all in.” Wow. Thank you.
Yes, what beautiful, insightful words. I always feel that, if I could write as well as Heather, I’d be saying similar things. She so often speaks my mind for me.
As one of three sisters, this was really lovely to read. It feels very familiar like I was reading about my own sisters. Our characters are complimentary and conflicting all at the same time. I've noticed as we get older, it feels more challenging as peoples' lives take different paths and parts of their characters grow stronger than others. But so important, as you say, to acknowledge all the mess and come together anyway.
How beautiful and true! I love your tribute to your mum and aunts, and the empathy that shines out. I am on a family holiday right now, and this is exactly what I need to read.
I don't know... sometimes it's better for people to get a bit more space so it's not so hard to be together.
A bit of breathing room is seen as impossible in enmeshed relationships, but it's perfectly healthy. You don't actually have to be together all the time. (Literally or metaphorically)
Wonderful reading a couple weeks out from my own family beach vacation. my dad's family has been meeting up at the beach every summer since before I was born; I went every year growing up. As a kid it was my favorite vacation ever! now it's an emotionally challenging week. It's my dad and his 4 siblings, who are all in their 60s and 70s, their spouses, their kids, and now a new generation of young kids. there's so much weight and complexity, like there is in every family, and the weight is palpable. I tried to express this to my mom after we got back and she got upset. She hurried to say "if it's hard then you just shouldnt come!" I felt misunderstood, because I was trying to say that of COURSE I need to go every year, to be there, and feel it all. I'm 29 and my mom and are just starting to have these more honest conversations. it's been pretty hard. I hope we can keep trying to understand each other better.
thanks as always for your work about this!!
edit: to say that I'm definitely not blameless in this interaction--I probably said it in a tone that was upsetting to her! There's a weird balance to strike between trying to acknowledge reality (which I very much want to do) and also not come down too strongly on my mom, who just doesn't want me to be sad... sigh!
That sounds really hard. In that situation I can see my mom saying something along the lines of “look on the bright side” which in its own way is invalidating, but “then don’t come next time” seems a lot harsher. Why can’t moms just let us be sad/confused/frustrated?
Indeed!! I'm not sure if this is how it feels for you, but I feel like my mom's reactions are fundamentally anxious. she wants me to be happy, and any evidence that I might not be happy makes her scared and a little guilty (maybe because emotions in general are bad in her mind). She wants to give me an "out" of any bad feeling. I can see the protective impulse there, but I can also sense the anxiety, and it has the reverse result: I feel anxious because she's anxious, lol.
That's an interesting question. And you seem to have a very kind interpretation, looking past what she actual said and at the care you know she has for you. In my case, I've been thinking about it as my mom projecting her internal critic onto me, but maybe I'm being too harsh. I wonder, though, if there's maybe some of that happening in your case, given that her words were quite harsh? That she's having those same thoughts but isn't allowing herself to feel that way, then transferring the same pushing-down onto you when you voice the same concerns? Of course I'm totally speculating and projecting, so apologies if this doesn't fit your experience.
Beautiful! Even harder when the people in your circle are doing their best and their best truly falls short. It is easy to say they aren't trying, but we must acknowledge that everyone is doing their best, even when it pains us.
"Merely recognizing all of these difficulties is enough." -- this is SUCH a good reminder for me! I'm so hard on myself if I notice all these issues but can't fix them. If I've noticed and issue, I should be taking action! But the framing here is so much healthier.
I have never seen this topic written about, let alone with such insight (though not surprised it's coming from you, obviously!).
Absolutely stunning, gut-punch (in the best way) reading. I especially appreciated the line about how hard showing up is when you come from a chaotic home - it's sometimes feels so impossible to be a good person when you still kinda wanna scream "YOU ALL DID ME SO FUCKING WRONG" even though you know these people love you and you know they did their best given the time. And even in the anger, there's still a lot of beauty too. Noticing just how hard it is for EVERYONE is so, so huge. It's not that your needs aren't important, but being able to see and hold space for the idea that everyone is likely feeling what you're feeling can be a bit healing in its own right.
Thank you so much for your insights. I have done this much of my life—not staying in touch enough or sometimes at all) with the people I love and miss the most. I’ve been trying to break this pattern of behavior and to realize that even when I have dropped out, I can come back and be accepted and loved. My fear of rejection because I’ve not kept up has never proven to be true. It takes courage for me but I’m working on building up that muscle.
“Don’t protect yourself from the most important people in your life. Show up in spite of everything. This could be the last time. Notice the heaviness in your bones. Notice the afternoon sun on the grass. Notice the heavy sighs, the darting eyes, the efforts to be understood. Notice the dark clouds in the south at dusk, the dirty plates, the nervous laughter. Let it all in.” Wow. Thank you.
Yes, what beautiful, insightful words. I always feel that, if I could write as well as Heather, I’d be saying similar things. She so often speaks my mind for me.
As one of three sisters, this was really lovely to read. It feels very familiar like I was reading about my own sisters. Our characters are complimentary and conflicting all at the same time. I've noticed as we get older, it feels more challenging as peoples' lives take different paths and parts of their characters grow stronger than others. But so important, as you say, to acknowledge all the mess and come together anyway.
How beautiful and true! I love your tribute to your mum and aunts, and the empathy that shines out. I am on a family holiday right now, and this is exactly what I need to read.
Whoa, this is exactly what I needed to read this morning. Thank you. It also make me think very fondly of my own aunts who helped raise me.
I don't know... sometimes it's better for people to get a bit more space so it's not so hard to be together.
A bit of breathing room is seen as impossible in enmeshed relationships, but it's perfectly healthy. You don't actually have to be together all the time. (Literally or metaphorically)
Wow, beautifully said and just what I needed to read today!