Eek! Yikes! Ouch! Whoosh! Pow! This really hit. I settled in smugly on my couch to read this in the hopes of recognizing how far I've come and how little I now have in common with the person who wrote this letter. I was in a codependent marriage for twelve years, but decided I'd had enough a couple of years ago. I leaned into my core values of CREATIVITY and VITALITY and DECISIVENESS and COURAGE in order to divorce my much older husband even though I met him when I was an actual baby (22) and we have two kids together. The decision and process was nothing short of grueling.
So I wanted to read this piece and see my past self, but instead I'm definitely reading a description of my current status in your response. "That constant, slightly neurotic, slightly anxious FIXING — fixing not just your own problems but also trying to fix everyone else’s — is what makes a codependent. It’s what makes a person prone to fantasy and obsession. But it also makes a person ambitious and successful. It’s what makes a human active and charming and socially adept and assertive and rapacious." Thanks for connecting these tendencies — the constant hamster wheel of self-improvement with the tendency toward codependency. I'd never connected these qualities in myself before and it blew my mind.
Maybe it's actually the key to finally unlocking my optimal self/life? JK.
It's hard to see this at times, but even when we're looking for better ways to interact/ exist in earnest, if we stay locked into the fantasy of some improved / better self along the path, that blocks our access to the current moment. In order to understand the flawed richness and depth of feeling that exists under our skin, right here, in the air, in the sound of the trees outside and the roaring freeway beyond that, we have to let go of becoming superior to the beings we are right now. Loosening our grip on the idea that success and fitness and love and even generosity and activism will fix and change and transform us is actually necessary if we want to learn to be where we are and inhabit each moment with a full heart and calm mind.
Regardless of where we're pointed and why and which finish lines we cross and what we don't have now and what we recognize we won't keep forever, we all have the same chance in this moment to feel grounded and at peace. And once you start to cultivate a real appetite for and appreciation of the present, and you see how colorful it is and how inherently soothing and important and precious it is, you can taste the more subtle flavors of human connection and joy and also solitude without needing to control the future or other people.
That effort and work is never done, it starts again every day and every new hour is another chance to let go of anxious distractions about how things "should" be and simply show up where you are. I wouldn't even say that it's necessarily cumulative. It's mostly just about remembering what bliss is available regardless of literally everything else in your life.
And when you keep seeing that fact, and feeling good, over and over, simply by REACHING for the present, you wind up feeling far less anxious about relationships and love. You can give your heart freely and take love and make lasting or impermanent connections and relish them without always retreating into fear.
It's hard not to make it all sound very easy and simple when you're in a place of understanding these things! If it were easy to translate or prescribe an embrace of the present, more people would live there all the time. It takes feeling your way and then working hard not to forget how fundamental it is.
ANYWAY thank you for your comment here!!! And congratulations on feeling great in the aftermath of codependence. It's worth celebrating that and feeling proud of all your work to finally unlock and get out.
I LOVE that it takes 10 hours to read your columns....Sometimes I will read a chunk at a time and revisit over many days.....other times a long leisurely exploration that allows me time to learn or grow some more...either way, I have found that the time I need to put aside for myself to read and absorb them is a real important part of my healing process to slow down, be in the present, and take how ever many goddam hours it takes, to absorb so much love and wisdom. I make time for this..which is almost as much the point as the content that I love so much. THANK YOU for your massive, but never boring!.. journeys you take me on. Xx
"It's hard to see this at times, but even when we're looking for better ways to interact/ exist in earnest, if we stay locked into the fantasy of some improved / better self along the path, that blocks our access to the current moment."
Thank you thank you thank you for articulating this: "...it’s very, very difficult to separate grounded, healthy actions from delusional actions. We can’t tell our good stories from our bad stories. ***We don’t know if we’re working too hard or not working hard enough.*** We — not you, but all of us! — are deeply confused. We’re confused because the stories that we’re told, and therefore the stories that we tell ourselves, are getting slicker and brighter and shinier and more addictive to believe."
Your comment about "respecting your anger" really struck a chord. As a young adult, I struggled with an anger problem. I could pop off, say nasty things, go 0 to 60 soooo fast. Most of my ire landed on loved ones, which I regret. I worked hard to learn to manage my anger, and fortunately in my middle age and early motherhood, I have mellowed A LOT.
That said, I can't help but think that my anger was truly protective in my youth. Like the letter writer, I lived in fantasies and savored the hard work of chasing them. But when I was in love with a depressed man who couldn't show up, I got too mad for it to last beyond nine months. When things made my body feel bad, I blew them up, even when my intention was to sacrifice myself to a hopeless romance. My own father once told me, "I'm glad you can be a bitch on wheels when you need to be." It doesn't feel great to be called a bitch by my father, and I now know I can stand up for myself without being all "see you next Tuesday", but I thank my anger for getting me out of some shitty situations.
I know exactly what you mean. It takes a long time to change, but I've made it through a lot of bad places thanks to my inability to tolerate dismissiveness and neglect.
I love the broader take here and I don’t think this is at odds with the main theme, but I did want to say that it does sound like he was genuinely very ill with depression and needed treatment. I’m not saying LW should have waited or something (AT ALL). I just think someone saying to their long term partner “I don’t want to be here”, suddenly sounding self-absorbed… sounds like someone really struggling, particularly because (if my math is right) they were together for three years before he began withdrawing etc. The point absolutely remains that LW deserves a relationship that makes them happy, period. They deserve to prioritise their real, present experience. Maybe I just want LW to give themselves a bit of grace for the decision to (through one lens) try to see him through the illness for as long as they did.
“The working harder and harder part felt good to you, because working hard often feels good to hard workers. Working hard on doomed things can even feel good, when you’re a person who doesn’t know how to enjoy the present. The telling-stories-about-the-shining-future part feels very good, too – that was what you did to keep working so hard, to keep tolerating the blah and lonely present realities”. This part stopped me in my tracks. I’ve been struggling to make a decision on how and when to leave my current job and this summed up so perfectly how my employer has been able to keep me striving for their benefit at my expense. That’s what is so elegant about this column, it can be so universal.
Eek! Yikes! Ouch! Whoosh! Pow! This really hit. I settled in smugly on my couch to read this in the hopes of recognizing how far I've come and how little I now have in common with the person who wrote this letter. I was in a codependent marriage for twelve years, but decided I'd had enough a couple of years ago. I leaned into my core values of CREATIVITY and VITALITY and DECISIVENESS and COURAGE in order to divorce my much older husband even though I met him when I was an actual baby (22) and we have two kids together. The decision and process was nothing short of grueling.
So I wanted to read this piece and see my past self, but instead I'm definitely reading a description of my current status in your response. "That constant, slightly neurotic, slightly anxious FIXING — fixing not just your own problems but also trying to fix everyone else’s — is what makes a codependent. It’s what makes a person prone to fantasy and obsession. But it also makes a person ambitious and successful. It’s what makes a human active and charming and socially adept and assertive and rapacious." Thanks for connecting these tendencies — the constant hamster wheel of self-improvement with the tendency toward codependency. I'd never connected these qualities in myself before and it blew my mind.
Maybe it's actually the key to finally unlocking my optimal self/life? JK.
But seriously, wow and thank you.
It's hard to see this at times, but even when we're looking for better ways to interact/ exist in earnest, if we stay locked into the fantasy of some improved / better self along the path, that blocks our access to the current moment. In order to understand the flawed richness and depth of feeling that exists under our skin, right here, in the air, in the sound of the trees outside and the roaring freeway beyond that, we have to let go of becoming superior to the beings we are right now. Loosening our grip on the idea that success and fitness and love and even generosity and activism will fix and change and transform us is actually necessary if we want to learn to be where we are and inhabit each moment with a full heart and calm mind.
Regardless of where we're pointed and why and which finish lines we cross and what we don't have now and what we recognize we won't keep forever, we all have the same chance in this moment to feel grounded and at peace. And once you start to cultivate a real appetite for and appreciation of the present, and you see how colorful it is and how inherently soothing and important and precious it is, you can taste the more subtle flavors of human connection and joy and also solitude without needing to control the future or other people.
That effort and work is never done, it starts again every day and every new hour is another chance to let go of anxious distractions about how things "should" be and simply show up where you are. I wouldn't even say that it's necessarily cumulative. It's mostly just about remembering what bliss is available regardless of literally everything else in your life.
And when you keep seeing that fact, and feeling good, over and over, simply by REACHING for the present, you wind up feeling far less anxious about relationships and love. You can give your heart freely and take love and make lasting or impermanent connections and relish them without always retreating into fear.
It's hard not to make it all sound very easy and simple when you're in a place of understanding these things! If it were easy to translate or prescribe an embrace of the present, more people would live there all the time. It takes feeling your way and then working hard not to forget how fundamental it is.
ANYWAY thank you for your comment here!!! And congratulations on feeling great in the aftermath of codependence. It's worth celebrating that and feeling proud of all your work to finally unlock and get out.
I LOVE that it takes 10 hours to read your columns....Sometimes I will read a chunk at a time and revisit over many days.....other times a long leisurely exploration that allows me time to learn or grow some more...either way, I have found that the time I need to put aside for myself to read and absorb them is a real important part of my healing process to slow down, be in the present, and take how ever many goddam hours it takes, to absorb so much love and wisdom. I make time for this..which is almost as much the point as the content that I love so much. THANK YOU for your massive, but never boring!.. journeys you take me on. Xx
Wow, this is nice to read. Thank you for this, Christine!
"It's hard to see this at times, but even when we're looking for better ways to interact/ exist in earnest, if we stay locked into the fantasy of some improved / better self along the path, that blocks our access to the current moment."
This concept has helped me so much!
Thank you thank you thank you for articulating this: "...it’s very, very difficult to separate grounded, healthy actions from delusional actions. We can’t tell our good stories from our bad stories. ***We don’t know if we’re working too hard or not working hard enough.*** We — not you, but all of us! — are deeply confused. We’re confused because the stories that we’re told, and therefore the stories that we tell ourselves, are getting slicker and brighter and shinier and more addictive to believe."
Your comment about "respecting your anger" really struck a chord. As a young adult, I struggled with an anger problem. I could pop off, say nasty things, go 0 to 60 soooo fast. Most of my ire landed on loved ones, which I regret. I worked hard to learn to manage my anger, and fortunately in my middle age and early motherhood, I have mellowed A LOT.
That said, I can't help but think that my anger was truly protective in my youth. Like the letter writer, I lived in fantasies and savored the hard work of chasing them. But when I was in love with a depressed man who couldn't show up, I got too mad for it to last beyond nine months. When things made my body feel bad, I blew them up, even when my intention was to sacrifice myself to a hopeless romance. My own father once told me, "I'm glad you can be a bitch on wheels when you need to be." It doesn't feel great to be called a bitch by my father, and I now know I can stand up for myself without being all "see you next Tuesday", but I thank my anger for getting me out of some shitty situations.
I know exactly what you mean. It takes a long time to change, but I've made it through a lot of bad places thanks to my inability to tolerate dismissiveness and neglect.
I love the broader take here and I don’t think this is at odds with the main theme, but I did want to say that it does sound like he was genuinely very ill with depression and needed treatment. I’m not saying LW should have waited or something (AT ALL). I just think someone saying to their long term partner “I don’t want to be here”, suddenly sounding self-absorbed… sounds like someone really struggling, particularly because (if my math is right) they were together for three years before he began withdrawing etc. The point absolutely remains that LW deserves a relationship that makes them happy, period. They deserve to prioritise their real, present experience. Maybe I just want LW to give themselves a bit of grace for the decision to (through one lens) try to see him through the illness for as long as they did.
This is a nice thing to tell the LW and I agree with you.
"When you learn to feel at peace in the present, in reality, that’s when you start to understand that joy only exists right now."
YES. Yes to ALL OF THIS. This is advice that I need to hear.
It reminds me of a Zen koan, it goes something like: "What is the quality of hope in the present moment?"
Beautiful.
Wheeew glad I set aside 10 hours to relish this beautiful response and bonus comment !! Shook to my core per usual ❤️
“The working harder and harder part felt good to you, because working hard often feels good to hard workers. Working hard on doomed things can even feel good, when you’re a person who doesn’t know how to enjoy the present. The telling-stories-about-the-shining-future part feels very good, too – that was what you did to keep working so hard, to keep tolerating the blah and lonely present realities”. This part stopped me in my tracks. I’ve been struggling to make a decision on how and when to leave my current job and this summed up so perfectly how my employer has been able to keep me striving for their benefit at my expense. That’s what is so elegant about this column, it can be so universal.
Who knew cleaning my bathtub in The PRESENT MOMENT would bring me So. Much. Joy.