Eek! Yikes! Ouch! Whoosh! Pow! This really hit. I settled in smugly on my couch to read this in the hopes of recognizing how far I've come and how little I now have in common with the person who wrote this letter. I was in a codependent marriage for twelve years, but decided I'd had enough a couple of years ago. I leaned into my core values of CREATIVITY and VITALITY and DECISIVENESS and COURAGE in order to divorce my much older husband even though I met him when I was an actual baby (22) and we have two kids together. The decision and process was nothing short of grueling.
So I wanted to read this piece and see my past self, but instead I'm definitely reading a description of my current status in your response. "That constant, slightly neurotic, slightly anxious FIXING — fixing not just your own problems but also trying to fix everyone else’s — is what makes a codependent. It’s what makes a person prone to fantasy and obsession. But it also makes a person ambitious and successful. It’s what makes a human active and charming and socially adept and assertive and rapacious." Thanks for connecting these tendencies — the constant hamster wheel of self-improvement with the tendency toward codependency. I'd never connected these qualities in myself before and it blew my mind.
Maybe it's actually the key to finally unlocking my optimal self/life? JK.
It's hard to see this at times, but even when we're looking for better ways to interact/ exist in earnest, if we stay locked into the fantasy of some improved / better self along the path, that blocks our access to the current moment. In order to understand the flawed richness and depth of feeling that exists under our skin, right here, in the air, in the sound of the trees outside and the roaring freeway beyond that, we have to let go of becoming superior to the beings we are right now. Loosening our grip on the idea that success and fitness and love and even generosity and activism will fix and change and transform us is actually necessary if we want to learn to be where we are and inhabit each moment with a full heart and calm mind.
Regardless of where we're pointed and why and which finish lines we cross and what we don't have now and what we recognize we won't keep forever, we all have the same chance in this moment to feel grounded and at peace. And once you start to cultivate a real appetite for and appreciation of the present, and you see how colorful it is and how inherently soothing and important and precious it is, you can taste the more subtle flavors of human connection and joy and also solitude without needing to control the future or other people.
That effort and work is never done, it starts again every day and every new hour is another chance to let go of anxious distractions about how things "should" be and simply show up where you are. I wouldn't even say that it's necessarily cumulative. It's mostly just about remembering what bliss is available regardless of literally everything else in your life.
And when you keep seeing that fact, and feeling good, over and over, simply by REACHING for the present, you wind up feeling far less anxious about relationships and love. You can give your heart freely and take love and make lasting or impermanent connections and relish them without always retreating into fear.
It's hard not to make it all sound very easy and simple when you're in a place of understanding these things! If it were easy to translate or prescribe an embrace of the present, more people would live there all the time. It takes feeling your way and then working hard not to forget how fundamental it is.
ANYWAY thank you for your comment here!!! And congratulations on feeling great in the aftermath of codependence. It's worth celebrating that and feeling proud of all your work to finally unlock and get out.
I LOVE that it takes 10 hours to read your columns....Sometimes I will read a chunk at a time and revisit over many days.....other times a long leisurely exploration that allows me time to learn or grow some more...either way, I have found that the time I need to put aside for myself to read and absorb them is a real important part of my healing process to slow down, be in the present, and take how ever many goddam hours it takes, to absorb so much love and wisdom. I make time for this..which is almost as much the point as the content that I love so much. THANK YOU for your massive, but never boring!.. journeys you take me on. Xx
"It's hard to see this at times, but even when we're looking for better ways to interact/ exist in earnest, if we stay locked into the fantasy of some improved / better self along the path, that blocks our access to the current moment."
Thank you thank you thank you for articulating this: "...it’s very, very difficult to separate grounded, healthy actions from delusional actions. We can’t tell our good stories from our bad stories. ***We don’t know if we’re working too hard or not working hard enough.*** We — not you, but all of us! — are deeply confused. We’re confused because the stories that we’re told, and therefore the stories that we tell ourselves, are getting slicker and brighter and shinier and more addictive to believe."
Eek! Yikes! Ouch! Whoosh! Pow! This really hit. I settled in smugly on my couch to read this in the hopes of recognizing how far I've come and how little I now have in common with the person who wrote this letter. I was in a codependent marriage for twelve years, but decided I'd had enough a couple of years ago. I leaned into my core values of CREATIVITY and VITALITY and DECISIVENESS and COURAGE in order to divorce my much older husband even though I met him when I was an actual baby (22) and we have two kids together. The decision and process was nothing short of grueling.
So I wanted to read this piece and see my past self, but instead I'm definitely reading a description of my current status in your response. "That constant, slightly neurotic, slightly anxious FIXING — fixing not just your own problems but also trying to fix everyone else’s — is what makes a codependent. It’s what makes a person prone to fantasy and obsession. But it also makes a person ambitious and successful. It’s what makes a human active and charming and socially adept and assertive and rapacious." Thanks for connecting these tendencies — the constant hamster wheel of self-improvement with the tendency toward codependency. I'd never connected these qualities in myself before and it blew my mind.
Maybe it's actually the key to finally unlocking my optimal self/life? JK.
But seriously, wow and thank you.
It's hard to see this at times, but even when we're looking for better ways to interact/ exist in earnest, if we stay locked into the fantasy of some improved / better self along the path, that blocks our access to the current moment. In order to understand the flawed richness and depth of feeling that exists under our skin, right here, in the air, in the sound of the trees outside and the roaring freeway beyond that, we have to let go of becoming superior to the beings we are right now. Loosening our grip on the idea that success and fitness and love and even generosity and activism will fix and change and transform us is actually necessary if we want to learn to be where we are and inhabit each moment with a full heart and calm mind.
Regardless of where we're pointed and why and which finish lines we cross and what we don't have now and what we recognize we won't keep forever, we all have the same chance in this moment to feel grounded and at peace. And once you start to cultivate a real appetite for and appreciation of the present, and you see how colorful it is and how inherently soothing and important and precious it is, you can taste the more subtle flavors of human connection and joy and also solitude without needing to control the future or other people.
That effort and work is never done, it starts again every day and every new hour is another chance to let go of anxious distractions about how things "should" be and simply show up where you are. I wouldn't even say that it's necessarily cumulative. It's mostly just about remembering what bliss is available regardless of literally everything else in your life.
And when you keep seeing that fact, and feeling good, over and over, simply by REACHING for the present, you wind up feeling far less anxious about relationships and love. You can give your heart freely and take love and make lasting or impermanent connections and relish them without always retreating into fear.
It's hard not to make it all sound very easy and simple when you're in a place of understanding these things! If it were easy to translate or prescribe an embrace of the present, more people would live there all the time. It takes feeling your way and then working hard not to forget how fundamental it is.
ANYWAY thank you for your comment here!!! And congratulations on feeling great in the aftermath of codependence. It's worth celebrating that and feeling proud of all your work to finally unlock and get out.
I LOVE that it takes 10 hours to read your columns....Sometimes I will read a chunk at a time and revisit over many days.....other times a long leisurely exploration that allows me time to learn or grow some more...either way, I have found that the time I need to put aside for myself to read and absorb them is a real important part of my healing process to slow down, be in the present, and take how ever many goddam hours it takes, to absorb so much love and wisdom. I make time for this..which is almost as much the point as the content that I love so much. THANK YOU for your massive, but never boring!.. journeys you take me on. Xx
"It's hard to see this at times, but even when we're looking for better ways to interact/ exist in earnest, if we stay locked into the fantasy of some improved / better self along the path, that blocks our access to the current moment."
This concept has helped me so much!
Thank you thank you thank you for articulating this: "...it’s very, very difficult to separate grounded, healthy actions from delusional actions. We can’t tell our good stories from our bad stories. ***We don’t know if we’re working too hard or not working hard enough.*** We — not you, but all of us! — are deeply confused. We’re confused because the stories that we’re told, and therefore the stories that we tell ourselves, are getting slicker and brighter and shinier and more addictive to believe."
Wheeew glad I set aside 10 hours to relish this beautiful response and bonus comment !! Shook to my core per usual ❤️
"When you learn to feel at peace in the present, in reality, that’s when you start to understand that joy only exists right now."
YES. Yes to ALL OF THIS. This is advice that I need to hear.
It reminds me of a Zen koan, it goes something like: "What is the quality of hope in the present moment?"
Beautiful.