A Message For Recent Graduates: You're The Boss Now.

Don't blame yourself for not wanting the job. Nothing will serve you more in this life than learning to embrace and even celebrate uncertainty.

The Philosophers (1952), Dorothea Tanning

You’re not prepared for this moment. Your professors and parents love to believe that they’ve prepared you well, but they’re wrong. Because there’s no way to prepare anyone else for uncertainty. Facing uncharted territory with serenity and grace requires you to ignore your intellect, block out our broken culture’s messages about what’s important, and attune yourself to your feelings, your body, your instincts, your most treasured ideals, and your deepest desires.

That probably sounds goopy and soft to you, after years of rigid schedules and obvious goals. But this moment requires completely different skills from what came before it. Whether your path forward is as clear as brand new freeway or you’re staring at a thick forest with nothing but a machete in your hand, you need to befriend the unknown right now. And the only way to become intimate buddies with an inky black abyss is by looking inward: hearing the voice inside you that feels connected to this gorgeous and scary world in spite of your fears, listening to the melody under your skin that tells you that you’re brilliant and strong and you can show the world your heart without fear.

When you close your eyes and look inward, you’ll know that you’re the only person on the planet who can lead you forward from here. You’re the boss from now on.

At first, this will feel absolutely fucking terrifying. That’s normal. As a dog trainer once told me, after meeting my jittery big dog and my calmer little dog, “This small one needs to be the boss. She doesn’t want the job, but she’s the only one qualified for it.”

That’s you. I want you to prepare to feel like a small dog doing a big dog’s job. You will feel like a misfit. That’s a common reaction to leaving school and joining the real world. Notice it, but never let your overactive mind define you as an outsider permanently. You will feel outmatched and overwhelmed. That’s natural, but refuse to let your intellect lead you in neurotic circles about how to ‘fix’ that sensation. Instead, sit with your feelings. Be patient with them, accept them, give them plenty of time, and notice how calm you become when you do. You will feel lonely. That’s to be expected, but you’re not remotely alone. Every adult you know is pushed past their limits regularly, no matter how well they conceal it.

Never forget that: Everyone struggles. Refuse the shame that our culture heaps on the heads of the suffering. Reject the shame that boils up around vulnerability, uncertainty, inexperience. Open your eyes wider and notice that everyone around you is grappling with shame on many levels. Find the people who refuse and reject shame and speak directly and honestly about it. Cultivate friendships with the people who admit their struggles and assert their boundaries clearly.

You live in a culture that’s ruled by shame, inhabited by people who are ruled by shame. Resist the shame they project onto you, and resolve to embody a calmer, more loving, more empowered path forward. Commit to healing the broken world you see, instead of letting it trick you into believing that you’re the one who’s broken. Shame wants to create more shame around it. Say no, back away, and feel proud of your clear sight.

But never stay in a superior place. Cultivate compassion for this broken world and the broken people in it. We are all humbled, over and over again. Welcome each humbling, because it will make you brighter and more brilliant and lighter than before.

Above all, don’t ask anyone else to tell you what to do with your life. You’re the only person on the planet who knows what your unique path forward should be. Close your eyes and feel the truth of that. This is you learning to trust yourself, your vision, your heart, your ideals.

As you cultivate your faith in who you are, remember: Mistakes are not proof that you’re bad at your job. False starts and dead ends are not proof that you’re a fuck up. Fear and anxiety and awkwardness are not proof that you don’t belong in the workplace, don’t belong in your friend group, don’t belong in this fucked up world. These are all proof that you’re a human being, full of blood and hope and gigantic dreams that can hardly dare to show their faces yet.

You’re a little dog and you’re the boss now. Make friends with the darkness. Learn to ignore your overly busy head and hear that steady, confident voice deep inside you. Your job right now is to fuck up over and over again, like a scientist running an experiment. Your job is to notice everything, to relish the humiliations of this day, to celebrate the horrors of being young and out of place, to enjoy the delights of knowing nothing. As a small dog among big dogs, you will be made to feel like you are inherently embarrassing.

Those big motherfuckers are the embarrassing ones: acting like they know everything, saying the same old shit over and over, repeating clichés without even noticing. That’s not you. You’re lightning fast and unpredictable and glorious. Each disappointment and each heartbreak will bring you closer to those pure, clear voices inside that say: This world belongs to you. You are here to lead, to blossom out in the open, to show your heart to strangers, to fail and fail and fail again — with grace, with humor, with dignity, with joy.

Each humiliation is a gift. The more humble you are, the more authentic swagger you’ll attain. Notice how little dogs are often more confident and more passionate about their opinions than big dogs are. Every time this broken world destroys your sense of yourself, remember that this is how you find your true path, your deepest desires, your strongest convictions, your most enduring connections to beauty and love and happiness: You expose yourself to the world as it is. You embrace your new role as the boss.

You won’t always want the job. That’s normal. But you’re the only one qualified for it. Trust yourself.

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Thanks for reading Ask Polly! Recent graduates should email me at askpolly@protonmail.com for a free one-year paid subscription. I was so afraid when I graduated from college — petrified, anxious, depressed, lonely, confused. You aren’t alone. Engaging with the people around you, finding the ones who make sense, signing up for activities and clubs that sound pretty terrible right now, daring to find a community (or 2 or 3 of them!) will slowly pay off and keep you afloat. Every single day is an experiment. One day, you’ll look back and say: Wow. I was so small, so afraid, but… I was so brave. p.s. Don’t drink too much. Every time you drink to excess, you erase your understanding of yourself and erode your confidence in subterranean ways. You need to see clearly right now.