'Am I Making a Fool of Myself?'

Navigating your social life without understanding your values and principles is like floating in an inflatable raft on the high seas. Time to build yourself a better boat!

Half Past Noon (1956-57) by Dorothea Tanning

Dear Polly,

I was a cute child — a BEAUTIFUL child actually. But when I grew up I didn't think of myself that way. I based my self-esteem on my intellect. Looking back, I think I thought I was invisible, that only when I chose to say something or interact with other students could they see me. I think I was telling myself a lie.

I went to a tiny school, so I knew the other children from the age of six, but when we turned 18, my class was merged with the parallel class to prepare us for the school's highest educational qualification. My role in the social structure of the class changed rapidly. Suddenly I was perceived as cool. In my memory, these last two years at school are marked by a relationship with a certain boy. We didn't like each other, we tore each other apart in public, and then the dislike quickly turned not into love but into a kind of desire. Until he told me I wasn't worth it. We annoyed the other students to the point of despair with our public power play. But to be honest, I never really cared, it wasn't about other people, and even their judgment of me in relation to him didn't seem meaningful to me.

I went to university and for the next few years no men were interested in me. There were always rumors that I was having an affair with one of my professors, so that might have put me off limits somehow. When I changed universities to do my Masters, men started asking me out. Sometimes two in a week. I never went on a date because it didn't excite me other than an ego boost and I didn't want to use them that way. But I flirt a lot — not to seduce anyone, just for the pleasure of it. But now, whenever I do, or whenever I get a lot of attention from men, I hear this little voice saying all the things my classmate said behind my back: “She only does it to get attention; I don't understand why these men are interested in her; she's so needy.”

I have this habit of expressing vulnerability and insecurity very casually. I think I do it out of self-protection. If I say it myself, then no one has the power to use it against me. It's not that I tell everyone private things all the time, but if I'm asked who the letter I'm holding is for, I might say it's to someone who was unhappily in love with me and is still asking me for advice, when I could just keep the details to myself.

The last time I was in this situation, someone made a snide remark and said I should ask myself why I was sharing these things with people I didn't know that well. It didn't bother me at first, but the more I think about it, the more I ask myself: Am I doing it to get attention? Does being seen automatically mean that you put yourself in a situation to get attention and does that automatically mean that you 'need' it?

To be honest, I don't understand it myself. Why do men ask me out? Why do I get attention and is it maybe just me asking for it in an uncomfortable way? I don't think I'm particularly beautiful, even though people have always told me how attractive I am, when I talk about my (rather large) academic achievements I don't think others couldn't have achieved them and yet I'm regularly reprimanded and told that I don't have to tell anyone about them.

So I ask myself: Is it better never to be seen? Is there a mechanism in me that everyone can see but me, that embarrasses me for seeking attention? Is all attention bad once it feels good? Regarding the last question I know the answer is no, but I have this nagging fear that I'm making a fool of myself by seeking men's approval and not realizing it.

Love,

So Tired Of Asking Myself This

Dear STOAMT,

When someone says to you, “You should ask yourself why you’re sharing these things with people you don’t know that well,” the only proper response is “You should ask yourself why you’re policing someone you don’t know that well.”

After all, what’s worse, being honest with a stranger or scolding a stranger?

As an inveterate oversharer, my perspective on this might sound a little biased, but my actions are aligned with my principles: My belief is that people today often overshare flagrantly in areas where there’s no benefit to others: detailing the renovations on their second homes, parading their heavily-styled kids in front of the camera repeatedly, or disclosing their most rigid, money-fixated, classist, racist notions on social media. But when it comes to areas where they might feel confused, fearful, or ashamed — in their friendships, in their marriages, in their families of origin — they disclose very little. Not only that, but the same people offering up entire family albums and first-person confessional videos online are the first to inform you that you’re sharing way too much. They will tell you primly that romantic relationships are sacred, secretive things and any spouse who speaks openly about them is asking for a divorce. Likewise, any friendship that hits the rocks shouldn’t be discussed and this bad friend should be cut out of your life immediately — yet openly abusive family members should be tolerated eternally because family is everything.

I’m a writer and I love what I do, so I share a lot in order to entertain (myself and others) and also in order to demonstrate that life is fucking hard and people are difficult and everyone struggles. Socially, if someone asks me a direct question, I’m probably going to tell them the truth directly, even if it’s not the kind of thing most people say to strangers. And if they ask me why I’m disclosing so much, I’m going to answer that:

1. You asked me a direct, curious question. Were you truly hoping for a vague, taciturn answer?

2. I don’t mind speaking honestly about what’s going on with me because I like forming deep connections with new people. I’ve not only made a lot of solid friendships this way, but I’ve had a great time doing it.

Do I walk around spouting my principles everywhere I go? Not generally, but I do try to remind myself of them often, simply because being direct, enthusiastic, and honest with others can be a real rollercoaster ride. Sometimes in the moment, I even lose sight of these beliefs and I start to feel shame about who I am, how direct I am with people, how quickly I tell them the truth about myself. Even with friends, I occasionally second-guess myself. But I tend to view this second-guessing as an issue of bad wiring, a physical manifestation of my insecure childhood circumstances, like the aftershock from an earthquake that hit decades ago.

For example: I ran into a new friend the other day, and we had a lively conversation. As I was walking away, I felt this jittery, sick feeling and then I thought, “I just talked a lot. Does she find me annoying?” This is faulty wiring, a bad habit of body and mind that’s ingrained in me after a lifetime of second-guessing myself. I’m not claiming that I’m not annoying a lot of the time! But lots of excellent people are annoying, and I am never going to be perfect, never ever ever. Aiming for perfect is a great way to be miserable. My faulty wiring wants perfection, but my PRINCIPLES beg to differ.

The job of my principles is to remind my body and mind that it’s okay to be wired badly, it’s okay to have bad habits, the triumph lies in NOTICING and forgiving. Forgiving your own frazzled wiring leads to forgiving the frayed wiring of others. If we all seem unsteady and confused, that’s because we’re all navigating the aftershocks of long-ago catastrophes, all day long.

So this is my advice to you: Decide what you believe and value and behave according to those principles. If you truly feel that it’s bad to seek or even just enjoy attention from men, then you should probably try to defend that position to yourself and see if it holds any water. Is it unethical for a woman to be attractive, or just unethical for her to enjoy it? Examine the long history of humans who’ve stigmatized and pathologized a woman’s power, beauty, and even pleasure, and see where you land in the wake of that research project. If you still feel that getting attention is greedy and evil, then consider investing in a nun’s habit or a veil or a mask of some kind in order to shield yourself from the hungry eyes of strangers who want to lure you into casual but immoral flirtations.

I’m being a little snide here, which is also a deeply felt value of mine. I love being snide, have done it for years, and won’t give it up because I enjoy it so much, and because I think being a snarky woman is emancipatory for me and for complete strangers who encounter my snide, snarky, snapdragon sniping.

My point is: When it comes to taking or rejecting social cues, you’re the fucking decider. Random strangers who inform you that your disclosures are inappropriate should be encountered as hostile in my book. Disclosing anything further to such parties is inadvisable. If many people decide together that you are flirty and needy and bad, those frankly envious mobs should also be cast out. Groups who decide together how other people should act and police them behind their backs yet continue to invite them along in order to feel superior? They’re more common than you might imagine. As an attractive and impressive human, you will run into these types frequently, which is all the more reason why you need to hammer out your principles and stand firm against such outright venom.

I’ve been reading Dostoyevsky (which spelling is better, the y or the e? I prefer the y and I am the decider here!). His books are nothing but venomous self-righteousness, rigid classicism, and frantic backbiting in the best possible way, and they remind us that petty judgmental behavior is as timeless as black tea in the morning and red wine at night (sailor’s delight). Every human needs principles and beliefs in order to sally forth without fear and second-guessing. Without principles, you are riding an inflatable raft over stormy seas. You need to build a bigger boat!

You write that you’re so tired of asking yourself this question, so tired of worrying that you’re behaving like a fool, and so tired of feeling out of sync with others. Some people in the comments are likely to suggest that you’re on the spectrum or you’re neuroatypical. Personally, I think you’re just a smart introvert who tries to attack problems very logically on your own, possibly thanks to the volatility, emotional isolation, and perfectionism imposed on you as a child. But whatever label works or helps is fine with me, as long as you don’t allow a casual self-diagnosis to make you see yourself as bad or doomed or broken.

This part is important, not just for you but for everyone who’s reading this right now. Because these moments of being upbraided and insulted and told to get back in our place, in subtle and direct ways, will never end. And even when no one is saying a word, our faulty wiring and those continuous jittery aftershocks will trick us into thinking that we’re the fucked up ones in every picture. Meanwhile, people who don’t like people — or who don’t like women, or who don’t like direct speech, or who hate direct-speaking women — will always be around, trying to protect themselves from the shame of witnessing real honesty and emotional freedom with their own eyes.

It’s not the easiest path, living out in the open, no matter what we believe. Occasionally we might feel SO out of sync with the culture around us that we want a little break from embodying our principles. We might want to lie low and say nothing in mixed company. We might want to talk less and share less and be less extra. We might long for less attention, less flirtation, less intrigue, and with it, less judgment and policing from friends and strangers alike.

Lately I’ve been lying low myself. It happens.

But you know what my principles and values and the spirits of the motherfucking summer air are whispering to me, louder and louder each day until it’s almost like shouting?

BE WHO YOU ARE. And enjoy it.

Polly

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