Navigating your social life without understanding your values and principles is like floating in an inflatable raft on the high seas. Time to build yourself a better boat!
Thank you for your thoughtful response. I had a hard time with the writer’s dilemma. It seemed that she was taking all her advantages and privileges as negatives. My immediate response was that she was preening and disingenuous. Your answer led me to a more spacious understanding of the writer. In the current climate of distrust and dismissal, I immediately jumped on the bandwagon I abhor. Thanks for offering me a chance to reject that judgement and open myself to the probability that we are all worthy.
Shelle, I find your openness to re-evaluate your initial judgment is commendable.
It's easy to jump to conclusions, especially in today's climate of distrust. Your reflection on the writer's dilemma shows a genuine willingness to understand and empathize. Now we all have our moments of judgment, but recognizing and rejecting them, as you have, makes us more compassionate and connected.
It's a reminder that we're all trying to navigate our complexities and are worthy of understanding and kindness.
The other day I met a new neighbor in the hall of my apartment building. We had a fun and lively exchange. Immediately afterwards, I caught myself thinking "oh God, I hope he doesn't think I was flirting with him." and then (thanks to very early and formative experiences of slut shaming) "you probably WERE flirting with him and don't even know it". And then a new voice entered: "WHO THE FUCK CARES IF HE DOES", and (gasp!) WHO THE FUCK CARES IF I AM. I am 41 years old and I'm going to be hot and delightful and intimidating when it suits me, and its other people's fucking problem if they don't like it.
Absolutely fantastic! I too have achieved a lot academically and I want to achieve more. I come off at first meeting as nice, friendly, easy going, and a bit shy. But after a few meetings, once I know the lay of the land I am more myself: intellectual, critical thinking with self assured opinions and insights, not interested in typical, superficial B.S. and rather intense and very intelligent.
So people are often put off, confused by the me that begins to show up at meeting 3,4, and 5. I have been playing around with the idea of switching things up and wasting less time with people who cannot deal with my intelligence and intensity from GO!
Your essay is just what I needed to read today! Thank you! Will be returning to it again and again as challenging days lie ahead! Love your snark, your side eye, the sea faring/pirate-y metaphors. I’m here for it all and if you are ever in the greater LA area let’s grab a Dirty Chai Matcha Iced Almond milk Latte! Yes that’s a complicated drink and I love it! Cheers to complex, multifaced, snarky women who have something true to say and boldly share!
Kate your description of your two selves reminded me so much of me! I am sweet and pleasing in meetings and then actually a critical thinking straight shooter in real life. How do we fuse the selves???
OMG yes. With me, it's that I'm thoughtful and intelligent and philosophical, but a week or two in, my snarky, impatient, exasperated side comes out and Oops! Also the f-bombs.
To follow up on the neuroatypical thought - no one very smart is precisely neurotypical. Also, being very smart goes with strong emotions. Expect to feel your experiences strongly, no matter how slight they are.
Another thing, you don't mention any men you've befriended, only annoying flirtations. Honest flirts make great friends. If you do want male friendship, I hope that you find it.
lots of beautiful meaningful thoughts here! some that leapt out at me:
"My belief is that people today often overshare flagrantly in areas where there’s no benefit to others: detailing the renovations on their second homes, parading their heavily-styled kids in front of the camera repeatedly, or disclosing their most rigid, money-fixated, classist, racist notions on social media. But when it comes to areas where they might feel confused, fearful, or ashamed — in their friendships, in their marriages, in their families of origin — they disclose very little"
"I’m a writer and I love what I do, so I share a lot in order to entertain (myself and others) and also in order to demonstrate that life is fucking hard and people are difficult and everyone struggles."
"I don’t mind speaking honestly about what’s going on with me because I like forming deep connections with new people. I’ve not only made a lot of solid friendships this way, but I’ve had a great time doing it."
"It’s not the easiest path, living out in the open, no matter what we believe."
just wanted you to know the profound impact your work is having on me currently as I navigate a very difficult time in my life. I can't put it into words but I hope you know what it means. thank you
Hmmm... as one who has been through many iterations during my somewhat lengthy developmental journey, I can candidly say to you that we humans find incredibly clever ways to meet whatever needs we become aware of in ourselves. Flirt your ass off, girl!!! Enjoy it to the hilt. This is what you're needing at this time, but may not require for the duration of your life.
I've worked hard to grow and heal myself, yet as a young woman, I was fairly insecure. I couldn't see myself as others did, thanks to an unstable childhood and lots of struggles to surmount along the way. I GREW INTO liking, respecting and admiring myself, and miraculously, each decade yielded richer payoffs in this regard, than the previous one had.
We can all look back on our younger years from a much clearer vantage point (hindsight's always 20/20) but the truth is, we figured out how to get our needs met (whatever they were) at the time, AND they brought us to who we are in the present. Ya wanna try to avoid hurting people, but that's probably an acquired skill for most.
What MOST important, is getting to a place of radical self-acceptance, and if ya can find a mentor (or professional) along your path who can help you achieve this, you're far ahead of the rest of your flock. All development brings with it growing pains. There's no way around this... but your desire to heal, grow and evolve toward being your best Self, is what gets ya there.
PS: Everyone enjoys receiving validation... but getting to a place within yourself where a compliment feels like CONFIRMATION of what you've grown to KNOW about yourself on a cellular level, is to me, the greatest reward of all.
Bottom line, ya can't know what ya don't yet know. Maturation is a process, and the things that are important or pleasurable to you NOW, will surely shift and change, decade to decade. Make sure ya try to just enjoy the ride, and trust that the bumpy parts are only temporary. :~)
This was a lovely read. I have a lot of tension around the "direct/honest/open/kind of with anyone" aspect of this topic, or these topics, as well. I think I was much more like STOAMT throughout my twenties and early thirties, and have only in recent years experimented with reeling it back a bit, putting more things in the "private" bin, and leaning into people and interactions where there are actually more boundaries and brakes on how fast we open up and how deep we go. For me, this has been a gigantic life improvement, which I never would have expected. It was also an actual value of mine to go deep with people and lean into people who were willing to go there and had a lot of openness and directness too. But I also kept finding myself in friendships that, anywhere from 6 months to 5 years in, felt more an more like a vortex, or prison, or straight-jacket, or ball-and-chain. I found that probably not all, but many people with similarly porous boundaries to mine (which I think is easily confused with just being "open and honest") were incredibly co-dependent and I would always end up becoming an oddly powerful figure in their life, who they both needed with a kind of desperation but also resented and blamed. I shifted my values through these experiences. Now I greatly value etiquette, restraint, boundaries, and slowly building a connection from the surface and moving ever-deeper, rather than jumping in head first before I know who I'm dealing with.
From a more sociological point of view, it's interesting to see that my perception of what most people do/don't do is vastly different than yours, Polly. You say most people only flaunt/post materialistic and show-offy things in their attention-getting, and that's not helpful to anyone. That so few people show what's real and vulnerable and struggle, like talking about marriage and kids and friendship and mental health and whatever else. I truly perceive the opposite. I see nearly every person sharing the deepest, most intimate parts of their lives and even the lives of those they're closest to without really second-guessing the value or potential consequences of this. While I don't believe in jumping to the "you're asking for a divorce" conclusion, I do have very dire observations and predictions about what this does to individuals, families, communities, and our society at large. There have been some benefits, but I think a huge amount has been compromised and lost at every level from this tendency, which is largely fueled and encouraged by big tech.
Your writing always touches me, Heather, but this one made me pause, take a deep breath, and really feel the truth in what you were saying.
I have been constantly “policed” by others (often friends) telling me I’m “too this or that” but who rarely look at themselves. Instead of wondering why they feel so free to criticize me, I usually question how I can change or be better. Like the writer, I’m also tired and have withdrawn a bit from social groups in middle age now to connect more with myself and what resonates on a deeper level as how I want to live and be in this confused world.
I appreciate your honesty, direct talk and tough questions so much. It’s been immensely helpful to me in learning to be with all the parts of myself more compassionately, as well as those of others. Thank you
wow this answer is so thorough and amazing. I'm hesitating from posting something tomorrow because it's "too personal" and feels like an overshare without sugarcoating things about my life. but when you said " “I just talked a lot. Does she find me annoying?"" it reminded me of how sharing the uncomfortable private thoughts we have makes us connect on a deeper level, and is more relatable than the polished parts of life. thanks for giving me the courage to keep sharing.
What a beautiful exchange, this. It resonates, both the question and response. I've been inappropriate in this way and beyond since I was a kid, and was ridiculed and bullied for it, even by my own family. Growing thoughtful and deliberate about living out loud put an end to that. I'd immerse myself in heroes to light the way -- Bob Dylan, Patti Smith, the Beats, Courtney Love, Emerson, Janis Joplin - brave, iconic trailblazers. Still do. Plenty lives have lit the path.
We have to measure the social penalty for being myself and perceived as weird against the potential social reward. Knowing, supportive people like me who stand in solidarity, they are my community, they're out there, and I know them when I see them. But, and this is the thing -- I have to draw them out. A fleeting connection with a fellow misfit feels like being in rarified air and worth the risk.
Oh Robin, thank you for proudly waving your freak flag! In my 60s now I’m finally truly embracing being different—which was so excruciating in school.
Found this:
Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.
I wasn't sure where Polly was going to go with her response and didn't think this was going to be relevant to me (not that I read Polly for personal relevance every time), but Polly's response felt so profoundly important, even at 41 and no longer ashamed of sexual energy or asking questions about my value in relation to others, etc..
I just returned from a large 4th of July campout with dozens of friends from my twenties that I don't get to see more than once a year or so. I was driving back yesterday with my family and internally reflecting on how insecure I felt and tied up in a pretzel over some interactions where I felt shame and whether I was growing apart from some of my friends and how I felt isolated from women as a new parent. In summary, I was creating a long list of areas where I'm failing, not a good friends, weird, overbearing and over sharing, too emotional, offensive, and on and on. I'm old enough now to know that this doesn't serve me and I finally came to that conclusion but I really needed Heather in that car with me to talk through it. This felt healing and encouraging and I'm so glad I read it so close on the heels of my weekend . It was not written as just 'accept yourself and critics be damned' trite over simplifications that people usually use to brush off social anxiety. I feel like I've broken out of an old dark room and can change my approach to how I feel about myself in relation to others, old friends and new.
'My faulty wiring wants perfection, but my PRINCIPLES beg to differ'
Thank you for your thoughtful response. I had a hard time with the writer’s dilemma. It seemed that she was taking all her advantages and privileges as negatives. My immediate response was that she was preening and disingenuous. Your answer led me to a more spacious understanding of the writer. In the current climate of distrust and dismissal, I immediately jumped on the bandwagon I abhor. Thanks for offering me a chance to reject that judgement and open myself to the probability that we are all worthy.
Shelle, I find your openness to re-evaluate your initial judgment is commendable.
It's easy to jump to conclusions, especially in today's climate of distrust. Your reflection on the writer's dilemma shows a genuine willingness to understand and empathize. Now we all have our moments of judgment, but recognizing and rejecting them, as you have, makes us more compassionate and connected.
It's a reminder that we're all trying to navigate our complexities and are worthy of understanding and kindness.
The other day I met a new neighbor in the hall of my apartment building. We had a fun and lively exchange. Immediately afterwards, I caught myself thinking "oh God, I hope he doesn't think I was flirting with him." and then (thanks to very early and formative experiences of slut shaming) "you probably WERE flirting with him and don't even know it". And then a new voice entered: "WHO THE FUCK CARES IF HE DOES", and (gasp!) WHO THE FUCK CARES IF I AM. I am 41 years old and I'm going to be hot and delightful and intimidating when it suits me, and its other people's fucking problem if they don't like it.
Almost 40 and am SO on the same boat as you, sister.
😹😹
This whole post is a SPELL.
Read it aloud. Read it loud. Read it out an open window.
And BE WHO YOU ARE! Thank you, Heather. xx
Absolutely fantastic! I too have achieved a lot academically and I want to achieve more. I come off at first meeting as nice, friendly, easy going, and a bit shy. But after a few meetings, once I know the lay of the land I am more myself: intellectual, critical thinking with self assured opinions and insights, not interested in typical, superficial B.S. and rather intense and very intelligent.
So people are often put off, confused by the me that begins to show up at meeting 3,4, and 5. I have been playing around with the idea of switching things up and wasting less time with people who cannot deal with my intelligence and intensity from GO!
Your essay is just what I needed to read today! Thank you! Will be returning to it again and again as challenging days lie ahead! Love your snark, your side eye, the sea faring/pirate-y metaphors. I’m here for it all and if you are ever in the greater LA area let’s grab a Dirty Chai Matcha Iced Almond milk Latte! Yes that’s a complicated drink and I love it! Cheers to complex, multifaced, snarky women who have something true to say and boldly share!
Kate your description of your two selves reminded me so much of me! I am sweet and pleasing in meetings and then actually a critical thinking straight shooter in real life. How do we fuse the selves???
OMG yes. With me, it's that I'm thoughtful and intelligent and philosophical, but a week or two in, my snarky, impatient, exasperated side comes out and Oops! Also the f-bombs.
To follow up on the neuroatypical thought - no one very smart is precisely neurotypical. Also, being very smart goes with strong emotions. Expect to feel your experiences strongly, no matter how slight they are.
Another thing, you don't mention any men you've befriended, only annoying flirtations. Honest flirts make great friends. If you do want male friendship, I hope that you find it.
dear heather/polly,
thank you for sharing this! i love it.
lots of beautiful meaningful thoughts here! some that leapt out at me:
"My belief is that people today often overshare flagrantly in areas where there’s no benefit to others: detailing the renovations on their second homes, parading their heavily-styled kids in front of the camera repeatedly, or disclosing their most rigid, money-fixated, classist, racist notions on social media. But when it comes to areas where they might feel confused, fearful, or ashamed — in their friendships, in their marriages, in their families of origin — they disclose very little"
"I’m a writer and I love what I do, so I share a lot in order to entertain (myself and others) and also in order to demonstrate that life is fucking hard and people are difficult and everyone struggles."
"I don’t mind speaking honestly about what’s going on with me because I like forming deep connections with new people. I’ve not only made a lot of solid friendships this way, but I’ve had a great time doing it."
"It’s not the easiest path, living out in the open, no matter what we believe."
"BE WHO YOU ARE. And enjoy it."
thank you for sharing who you are! i enjoy it!
love
myq
just wanted you to know the profound impact your work is having on me currently as I navigate a very difficult time in my life. I can't put it into words but I hope you know what it means. thank you
It's very very nice to hear this, thank you for letting me know. Sending you love!
sending love to you too <3
Hmmm... as one who has been through many iterations during my somewhat lengthy developmental journey, I can candidly say to you that we humans find incredibly clever ways to meet whatever needs we become aware of in ourselves. Flirt your ass off, girl!!! Enjoy it to the hilt. This is what you're needing at this time, but may not require for the duration of your life.
I've worked hard to grow and heal myself, yet as a young woman, I was fairly insecure. I couldn't see myself as others did, thanks to an unstable childhood and lots of struggles to surmount along the way. I GREW INTO liking, respecting and admiring myself, and miraculously, each decade yielded richer payoffs in this regard, than the previous one had.
We can all look back on our younger years from a much clearer vantage point (hindsight's always 20/20) but the truth is, we figured out how to get our needs met (whatever they were) at the time, AND they brought us to who we are in the present. Ya wanna try to avoid hurting people, but that's probably an acquired skill for most.
What MOST important, is getting to a place of radical self-acceptance, and if ya can find a mentor (or professional) along your path who can help you achieve this, you're far ahead of the rest of your flock. All development brings with it growing pains. There's no way around this... but your desire to heal, grow and evolve toward being your best Self, is what gets ya there.
PS: Everyone enjoys receiving validation... but getting to a place within yourself where a compliment feels like CONFIRMATION of what you've grown to KNOW about yourself on a cellular level, is to me, the greatest reward of all.
Bottom line, ya can't know what ya don't yet know. Maturation is a process, and the things that are important or pleasurable to you NOW, will surely shift and change, decade to decade. Make sure ya try to just enjoy the ride, and trust that the bumpy parts are only temporary. :~)
This was a lovely read. I have a lot of tension around the "direct/honest/open/kind of with anyone" aspect of this topic, or these topics, as well. I think I was much more like STOAMT throughout my twenties and early thirties, and have only in recent years experimented with reeling it back a bit, putting more things in the "private" bin, and leaning into people and interactions where there are actually more boundaries and brakes on how fast we open up and how deep we go. For me, this has been a gigantic life improvement, which I never would have expected. It was also an actual value of mine to go deep with people and lean into people who were willing to go there and had a lot of openness and directness too. But I also kept finding myself in friendships that, anywhere from 6 months to 5 years in, felt more an more like a vortex, or prison, or straight-jacket, or ball-and-chain. I found that probably not all, but many people with similarly porous boundaries to mine (which I think is easily confused with just being "open and honest") were incredibly co-dependent and I would always end up becoming an oddly powerful figure in their life, who they both needed with a kind of desperation but also resented and blamed. I shifted my values through these experiences. Now I greatly value etiquette, restraint, boundaries, and slowly building a connection from the surface and moving ever-deeper, rather than jumping in head first before I know who I'm dealing with.
From a more sociological point of view, it's interesting to see that my perception of what most people do/don't do is vastly different than yours, Polly. You say most people only flaunt/post materialistic and show-offy things in their attention-getting, and that's not helpful to anyone. That so few people show what's real and vulnerable and struggle, like talking about marriage and kids and friendship and mental health and whatever else. I truly perceive the opposite. I see nearly every person sharing the deepest, most intimate parts of their lives and even the lives of those they're closest to without really second-guessing the value or potential consequences of this. While I don't believe in jumping to the "you're asking for a divorce" conclusion, I do have very dire observations and predictions about what this does to individuals, families, communities, and our society at large. There have been some benefits, but I think a huge amount has been compromised and lost at every level from this tendency, which is largely fueled and encouraged by big tech.
Your writing always touches me, Heather, but this one made me pause, take a deep breath, and really feel the truth in what you were saying.
I have been constantly “policed” by others (often friends) telling me I’m “too this or that” but who rarely look at themselves. Instead of wondering why they feel so free to criticize me, I usually question how I can change or be better. Like the writer, I’m also tired and have withdrawn a bit from social groups in middle age now to connect more with myself and what resonates on a deeper level as how I want to live and be in this confused world.
I appreciate your honesty, direct talk and tough questions so much. It’s been immensely helpful to me in learning to be with all the parts of myself more compassionately, as well as those of others. Thank you
wow this answer is so thorough and amazing. I'm hesitating from posting something tomorrow because it's "too personal" and feels like an overshare without sugarcoating things about my life. but when you said " “I just talked a lot. Does she find me annoying?"" it reminded me of how sharing the uncomfortable private thoughts we have makes us connect on a deeper level, and is more relatable than the polished parts of life. thanks for giving me the courage to keep sharing.
What a beautiful exchange, this. It resonates, both the question and response. I've been inappropriate in this way and beyond since I was a kid, and was ridiculed and bullied for it, even by my own family. Growing thoughtful and deliberate about living out loud put an end to that. I'd immerse myself in heroes to light the way -- Bob Dylan, Patti Smith, the Beats, Courtney Love, Emerson, Janis Joplin - brave, iconic trailblazers. Still do. Plenty lives have lit the path.
We have to measure the social penalty for being myself and perceived as weird against the potential social reward. Knowing, supportive people like me who stand in solidarity, they are my community, they're out there, and I know them when I see them. But, and this is the thing -- I have to draw them out. A fleeting connection with a fellow misfit feels like being in rarified air and worth the risk.
Oh Robin, thank you for proudly waving your freak flag! In my 60s now I’m finally truly embracing being different—which was so excruciating in school.
Found this:
Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.
Steve Jobs
I wasn't sure where Polly was going to go with her response and didn't think this was going to be relevant to me (not that I read Polly for personal relevance every time), but Polly's response felt so profoundly important, even at 41 and no longer ashamed of sexual energy or asking questions about my value in relation to others, etc..
I just returned from a large 4th of July campout with dozens of friends from my twenties that I don't get to see more than once a year or so. I was driving back yesterday with my family and internally reflecting on how insecure I felt and tied up in a pretzel over some interactions where I felt shame and whether I was growing apart from some of my friends and how I felt isolated from women as a new parent. In summary, I was creating a long list of areas where I'm failing, not a good friends, weird, overbearing and over sharing, too emotional, offensive, and on and on. I'm old enough now to know that this doesn't serve me and I finally came to that conclusion but I really needed Heather in that car with me to talk through it. This felt healing and encouraging and I'm so glad I read it so close on the heels of my weekend . It was not written as just 'accept yourself and critics be damned' trite over simplifications that people usually use to brush off social anxiety. I feel like I've broken out of an old dark room and can change my approach to how I feel about myself in relation to others, old friends and new.
'My faulty wiring wants perfection, but my PRINCIPLES beg to differ'
As always, thank you Heather!
Thank you for sharing this! I relate to this a lot. This felt like a free therapy session!
I really needed to read this today 🤍
it’s fate that i read this before my therapy session this morning