I was just visiting my family and this came up for me again and again. It’s always great to visit them and remember why I live in a different country. LOL. Luckily at the beginning of the trip, I had gone through old family photo albums and uploaded some photos of me as a little girl on my phone. I kept looking at them whenever I felt triggered or unseen or emotional. My job as an adult is to keep this little girl safe and that means protecting her emotionally from people who won’t be able to see her. It’s like building in an additional security checkpoint before I have an outburst or express how I really feel. Is this little girl safe expressing herself with these people? It really helped me regulate myself—not because I don’t believe that my emotions are valid and deserve to be witnessed but because I know my family is not available to do this.
At the end of the trip, my parents drove me to airport and there was so much I wanted to say but I kept looking at the picture of Little Me and was like yeah, better to stay quiet. Then, I offered to upload our old family photos to the cloud. They were so excited and we started brainstorming about the project. It was reassuring to recognize that I could leave so much unsaid between us but we could still find a meaningful way to connect.
Aw this made me cry! What's strange about biting your tongue and keeping your little self safe is that family members sometimes start to reflect and embody that respect and care without being told to do so. One thing I figured out by moving back to my hometown was that my vulnerable expressions were sometimes experienced by my family as being pressured, insulted, or exposed to danger, even when that wasn't even close to the meaning or intention of my words. Withdrawing a little and taking care of myself more made it possible for *everyone* to feel safer and more trusting. This pisses my little self off at some level, don't get me wrong! But the slow transformation from feeling bad around my family to loving our time together has been truly remarkable. Thanks so much for this amazing post. Here's to your happy, safe, thriving little girl! xoox
Yes! This has been my experience as well! I’ve noticed that my parents also want to be seen and validated, but they don’t have the awareness to recognize this or ask for this. The benefit of being emotional/sensitive is that we have to learn about our emotional needs (because they are so fucking loud!) and then we can recognize how other people also have these needs but don’t even know. It’s a secret superpower because so much of this happens on a subconscious energetic level! I will probably never have a heart-to-heart with my parents about my trauma and my inner child healing, but by scanning these photos together, we’re both going to have some of our needs met. It’s a creative workaround! Thanks for the comment and the article—it feels good to be seen. Xoxo
Emily, that's a beautiful observation about your parents and the subtle ways we can connect with them. I feel that emotional sensitivity does indeed feel like a superpower because it allows us to see and understand the needs of others, even if they aren't aware of them themselves.
The way you're using a shared activity like scanning photos to bridge that gap is incredibly insightful and compassionate and it's amazing how small, thoughtful actions can meet deep emotional needs without needing to spell everything out. Keep nurturing those connections :))
My favorite of your posts, really relate to being sensitive and emotional. The upside is that we are very receptive individuals who feel deeply. The downside is we don't fit the cultural norm.
It's great that you find strength in your sensitivity and emotional nature, Sabrina. How do you think society can better embrace and support those who don't fit the traditional cultural norms?
That is a great question. I think it has to originate with us. Growing up I felt something was wrong with me. Now that I have an appreciation and love for myself, I am the source of my own support and that radiates out from within.
This post was so timely. Thank you times a hundred for writing it. I have hidden my sensitivity, led with it, bludgeoned others and myself with it, tried to fit it into boxes - forever. You're right- learning how to wield the tool of sensitivity is NOT easy. It makes me happy to know that there are other humans who know how it feels to live in a body and brain like this. I'm a scientist and write a monthly piece on how ecology relates to the human experience, and this month I actually researched sensitivity: to better understand it's nature, genetics, evolutionary advantage, etc.
I'll spare you the citations and scientific prose, but here are 3 takeaways I learned. I share them to paint a fuller, valuable picture of this trait that is so often antagonized in our culture.
1. In every ecosystem there are Indicator Species that are, effectively, "too sensitive" - they are deeply and quickly impacted by minor environmental changes. Scientists closely measure their populations specifically - like a vital sign - to understanding of the health of the overall ecosystem. They act like the canary in the coal mine for biologists to know when something is wrong that may affect everything else in the future.
2. Sensitivity is not just subjective- it is also becoming objective. There is a growing body of research that is showing the genetics of SPS (sensory processing sensitivity) - a trait that indicates high levels of environmental sensitivity. It has been correlated with traits like ASD, anxiety, depression, higher levels of emotional processing, more adept at reading others' emotions, and more. It's estimated that 10-20% of studied human populations contain the SPS trait. (As such, maybe we can imagine caring for ourselves in the way that other genetic predispositions require: like fair skin needing sunscreen; sensitivity needing to find the people who want to (to your points) talk it out, reassure you that they love you, learn more and more about themselves.)
3. The evolutionary benefits of having highly-sensitive individuals in your community cannot be overstated. These were people that first noticed environmental changes in taste, smells, sounds, lights; emotional states, potential conflict and danger. These were people who could sense and warn their communities. (My unproven guess is that they were also probably the storytellers, the healers, the guides that led others through the darknesses of being human.)
I do *not* intend for this ^ science to replace or validate the experience of being sensitive and emotional simply by putting numbers and studies behind it- but only to bolster the truth of what you highlighted, and what many of us in the comments already know: sensitivity is a reality that many of us can't imagine living without. In ecology, sensitivity is highly valuable. In earth systems, sensitivity is highly valuable. Probably in human communities of millennia past, sensitivity was highly valuable. I have to believe that in this moment in time, when we are encouraged to be mechanistic, it is simply being overlooked for the gift that it really is.
As always, Heather, thank you for your advice- for how to navigate the world with this constitution, your encouragement to resist changing ourselves, and lead with love, bravery, honesty, compassion. <3
Thank you for writing this up! It is so affirming. I feel this so much when my anxiety gets tangled with real-world problems and people say, "stop worrying so much" or "oh, well, what can you do?". It always feels like it's me that's the problem, but really it's the world's man-made cruelties and sensitive folk are left processing the pain of them!
Also very timely for me. I left a job recently because I was told I was too nice’ and I had to work on that. Also not to call a confused elderly client ‘sweetheart’ when she was in distress and I was trying to support her. I am sensitive and caring to the moon and back and am proud to say I work with love. I unequivocally own my mIsteps and am quick to forgive others who don’t. We should not be ashamed, we are gifted and intuitive and compassionate with a sensitivity that not only extends to people but to animals and Mother Nature in spades. We support the underdog and champion the good. We compliment freely and have a smile for a stranger. Thank you Heather H, I lay down the banner of shame and stand proud as a sensitive soul. Bravo to us. Let other people do them and I will continue to do me and let the good times roll!!
Sophie! Your story is so inspiring. It’s unfortunate that your previous job didn't appreciate your kindness and sensitivity, but it’s clear that these qualities are your strengths. Being supportive and compassionate, especially to those in distress, is invaluable. I find your pride in your empathetic nature shines through, and it’s wonderful to see you embrace it fully.
We need more people who champion the good, support the underdog, and spread kindness freely. I must say your attitude of owning your mistakes and forgiving others is commendable. Standing proud as a sensitive soul is a powerful statement. Keep being you and let those good times roll!
Bravo to you and all the sensitive souls out there 🧡
Thank you for your uplifting words. Very much appreciated. Sensitivity and kindness are Super Powers in a Dog eat Dog greedy terrified world. We need to remember that and stand proud. I won’t take back my sympathetic stance in the name of coldness. I really appreciate your response.
I appreciated how this was laid out not in the context of an individual story. Maybe because I am someone who has never been told they were “too much”/ that they are too emotional or too sensitive? My therapist has suggested that I’m pretty conversant with my emotions for someone who’s congenitally (a recovering?) stoic. Maybe that’s why I like this space….I want to not be emotionally stunted and love Polly’s deep compassion. Anyway, I didn’t really choose to be this way an I hope it’s not either/or. I admire my sensitive/emotional friends’ ability to be vulnerable AND wish that they’d stop talking about themselves sometimes.
Your last sentence suggests another possibility, the balance of giving and taking energy gets thrown off by people who discover someone willing to listen with their whole heart. It feels so good and they want more and more. Liking a bag of potato chips. "Please don't eat me up all in one sitting."
One thing you say here is my eternal debate. **We don't choose to be sensitive!** Everyone else thinks that we woke up one day and we decided to be sensitive. No, it's not a decision, it's combined forces acting together. Beautiful and difficult forces
It’s such a challenge! I’ve been gaslighted, dismissed, etc. but I still soldier on and do a better job reading the signs of people who are capable of connecting on a deeper level and not taking it personally when they don’t. It’s work, but so important for a healthy, balanced psyche.
Thank you, Heather. This is my nature and I wear it differently (not saying better! in some respects, yeah—in others, NO) at age 55 than I did at 45 or 40 or 35 or 20.
When I was young my emotions flew out of me indiscriminately and I didn’t have any idea how to ride them or share them with any discernment or take responsibility for any of them. But there they were, right out there. All my unashamed tears. Bless.
I hit a sweet spot maybe around 45, sharing fully if not immediately in the heat of the moment (usually) while being sensitive to/aware of the room. I let it rip with others when the time was right and it felt clean, and sat responsibly in my own freaky swirl until it died down a little when I knew I was feeling victim-y and didn’t have enough of my wits about me.
I don’t love what I’m doing with it now but that’s because I don’t love the room, honestly. I’m tired of feeling the contrast between my own sensitive emotionality and the blithe, repressed chill of the crowd. I don’t want to fan my feeling feathers out for the people. I don’t want the exposure hangover anymore. But I miss being known and I wish I could feel as safe and sure as I used to expressing my real being.
Anyway, I loved this piece. You make me want to see if I can crack it open again.
Tina, I get it! I feel like I'm coming out of a self-protective phase of really feeling tired of showing too much. "Exposure hangover" is a nice way of putting it. I think a little break from sharing a lot all the time has helped me to see how much connection other people want/ crave from me. I think I couldn't see it before because I felt too vulnerable?
What I'm saying is that backing off for a while can actually make you feel more safe/ sure. You don't try as hard, people come to you, you show up for people who need more, and you keep telling people what you value in relationships, as in "I am here for honesty even when you're not at your best." Lately this feels like just being relaxed and solid for me.
Not sure I'm articulating this well, but I'm trying to say that whether you're sharing or holding back, noticing your comfort level and being respectful of it leads to more self-trust and comfort, which leads to more connection and comfort with others quite naturally.
The only constant that I think helps is this: Stay vulnerable. Notice how you feel. Be honest with yourself. Don't pretend you don't care. Dare to notice what you truly want and care about. Somehow this energy makes it easier to give yourself patience and compassion and also to connect with others at a deeper level. Investing and daring to care = cracking it open again.
Hey, thank you so much for this meaty response. You articulated it really well and I got it. I feel what you’re saying. I’m deep in an unusually long backing-off period which doesn’t feel done yet but I did tip over into withdrawing my investment and making like I don’t care as much as I do. Ugh, I will have to admit that I do care and feel all windblown and tender about that. But that’s good.
I’m going to carry this advice around in my pocket for real. Thank you again. 🖤
"I don’t want the exposure hangover anymore." This comment explains to me why I hate having to exhibit my creative work and attend my own gallery openings. It is the habit of feeling shame of being me, and that habit needs adjusting.
My wish is that everyone who has commented could gather monthly for “sensitive & emotional” club meeting. That way we would all understand each other and we wouldn’t have to deal with all the bullshit of finding the people who get us and being hurt by the people who don’t. Anyone live in west central FL?? Hahaha
This is so perfectly wonderful, thank you! I feel seen and valuable. I also love Sarah Quirk’s scientific breakdown of us having a true purpose in the population, not just being burdensome eggshell walkers like it can feel like.
This one post laid out the bones of a stupid dramatic falling out from the winter that had snagged in my heart and brain like a fishhook and I feel shame lifting at last. Heather, you do such a service to us all, thank you!
This is so timely for me personally as I'm really trying to work towards being what you outline in this beautiful musing. Curiosity for others and for the world is also integral to this I think. Thanks for the words Heather!
Very nice post. As far as sensitivity and emotions go, society really does demonize it a lot, from all angles.
Expressing your emotions about what you endure and what you appreciate should be practiced, to the degree that it promotes more understanding and proliferates effective progress rather than stagnates it. Speak about how you feel, but do so in a way that allows those emotions to be driven towards something greater, and much more positive.
It’s a tricky thing to get down. It seems most would rather settle for the two extremes: closing themselves off, or sharing too much.
This is very true. I think it's very very difficult not to share too much, though, under current conditions. It's like you're always denied what you need, everywhere you go. So when you get the slightest hint that someone might actually be capable of listening and understanding, you get overly excited. I have often been guilty of this! So I tend to forgive oversharing in all of its forms -- just feels like a side effect of our broken culture.
Absolutely. I very often run into people who end up spilling a lot of sensitive personal details about what they go through and how they process things. It’s sad to see that I was their only, if fortunate one of their only, avenues to vent through. At the same time, it’s great to be that individual who can sit and listen to someone speak their life story for hours on end. It brings perspective, and it takes a lot of pain off their shoulders in the process.
Let’s continue to promote that openness. It’ll heal many people❤️
YES! And I conflate friendly interest (you know, just connecting as acquaintances) with romantic interest because it’s so rare and means so much to me!!! This post!!!❤️🩹❤️🩹💖
Ahh this blew my mind open. How incredible to be able to reframe “I can be a needy friend” to “I have a really high capacity for intimacy”. Not kidding this was actually a life-changing read for me!
One thought to add: the couple of friends that have been direct that they have found me needy, do also themselves have fairly high capacity. However I think this can be so rare, that in the relief of such friendships it is tempting to lay too much onto them in times of very high stress or worry. Spreading myself around is an art I’m only mastering in my late 40s, along with I think a naturally decreasing need for reassurance as my self confidence feels solid. Asking the question “are you up for a chat about X?” is a super simple way to at least reassure myself I’m being considerate of others capacity.
I was just visiting my family and this came up for me again and again. It’s always great to visit them and remember why I live in a different country. LOL. Luckily at the beginning of the trip, I had gone through old family photo albums and uploaded some photos of me as a little girl on my phone. I kept looking at them whenever I felt triggered or unseen or emotional. My job as an adult is to keep this little girl safe and that means protecting her emotionally from people who won’t be able to see her. It’s like building in an additional security checkpoint before I have an outburst or express how I really feel. Is this little girl safe expressing herself with these people? It really helped me regulate myself—not because I don’t believe that my emotions are valid and deserve to be witnessed but because I know my family is not available to do this.
At the end of the trip, my parents drove me to airport and there was so much I wanted to say but I kept looking at the picture of Little Me and was like yeah, better to stay quiet. Then, I offered to upload our old family photos to the cloud. They were so excited and we started brainstorming about the project. It was reassuring to recognize that I could leave so much unsaid between us but we could still find a meaningful way to connect.
Aw this made me cry! What's strange about biting your tongue and keeping your little self safe is that family members sometimes start to reflect and embody that respect and care without being told to do so. One thing I figured out by moving back to my hometown was that my vulnerable expressions were sometimes experienced by my family as being pressured, insulted, or exposed to danger, even when that wasn't even close to the meaning or intention of my words. Withdrawing a little and taking care of myself more made it possible for *everyone* to feel safer and more trusting. This pisses my little self off at some level, don't get me wrong! But the slow transformation from feeling bad around my family to loving our time together has been truly remarkable. Thanks so much for this amazing post. Here's to your happy, safe, thriving little girl! xoox
Yes! This has been my experience as well! I’ve noticed that my parents also want to be seen and validated, but they don’t have the awareness to recognize this or ask for this. The benefit of being emotional/sensitive is that we have to learn about our emotional needs (because they are so fucking loud!) and then we can recognize how other people also have these needs but don’t even know. It’s a secret superpower because so much of this happens on a subconscious energetic level! I will probably never have a heart-to-heart with my parents about my trauma and my inner child healing, but by scanning these photos together, we’re both going to have some of our needs met. It’s a creative workaround! Thanks for the comment and the article—it feels good to be seen. Xoxo
Emily, that's a beautiful observation about your parents and the subtle ways we can connect with them. I feel that emotional sensitivity does indeed feel like a superpower because it allows us to see and understand the needs of others, even if they aren't aware of them themselves.
The way you're using a shared activity like scanning photos to bridge that gap is incredibly insightful and compassionate and it's amazing how small, thoughtful actions can meet deep emotional needs without needing to spell everything out. Keep nurturing those connections :))
Thank you so much for this kind comment! It always feels good to be seen. :)
You're welcome Emily :)
My favorite of your posts, really relate to being sensitive and emotional. The upside is that we are very receptive individuals who feel deeply. The downside is we don't fit the cultural norm.
It's great that you find strength in your sensitivity and emotional nature, Sabrina. How do you think society can better embrace and support those who don't fit the traditional cultural norms?
That is a great question. I think it has to originate with us. Growing up I felt something was wrong with me. Now that I have an appreciation and love for myself, I am the source of my own support and that radiates out from within.
I love that Sabrina :)
This post was so timely. Thank you times a hundred for writing it. I have hidden my sensitivity, led with it, bludgeoned others and myself with it, tried to fit it into boxes - forever. You're right- learning how to wield the tool of sensitivity is NOT easy. It makes me happy to know that there are other humans who know how it feels to live in a body and brain like this. I'm a scientist and write a monthly piece on how ecology relates to the human experience, and this month I actually researched sensitivity: to better understand it's nature, genetics, evolutionary advantage, etc.
I'll spare you the citations and scientific prose, but here are 3 takeaways I learned. I share them to paint a fuller, valuable picture of this trait that is so often antagonized in our culture.
1. In every ecosystem there are Indicator Species that are, effectively, "too sensitive" - they are deeply and quickly impacted by minor environmental changes. Scientists closely measure their populations specifically - like a vital sign - to understanding of the health of the overall ecosystem. They act like the canary in the coal mine for biologists to know when something is wrong that may affect everything else in the future.
2. Sensitivity is not just subjective- it is also becoming objective. There is a growing body of research that is showing the genetics of SPS (sensory processing sensitivity) - a trait that indicates high levels of environmental sensitivity. It has been correlated with traits like ASD, anxiety, depression, higher levels of emotional processing, more adept at reading others' emotions, and more. It's estimated that 10-20% of studied human populations contain the SPS trait. (As such, maybe we can imagine caring for ourselves in the way that other genetic predispositions require: like fair skin needing sunscreen; sensitivity needing to find the people who want to (to your points) talk it out, reassure you that they love you, learn more and more about themselves.)
3. The evolutionary benefits of having highly-sensitive individuals in your community cannot be overstated. These were people that first noticed environmental changes in taste, smells, sounds, lights; emotional states, potential conflict and danger. These were people who could sense and warn their communities. (My unproven guess is that they were also probably the storytellers, the healers, the guides that led others through the darknesses of being human.)
I do *not* intend for this ^ science to replace or validate the experience of being sensitive and emotional simply by putting numbers and studies behind it- but only to bolster the truth of what you highlighted, and what many of us in the comments already know: sensitivity is a reality that many of us can't imagine living without. In ecology, sensitivity is highly valuable. In earth systems, sensitivity is highly valuable. Probably in human communities of millennia past, sensitivity was highly valuable. I have to believe that in this moment in time, when we are encouraged to be mechanistic, it is simply being overlooked for the gift that it really is.
As always, Heather, thank you for your advice- for how to navigate the world with this constitution, your encouragement to resist changing ourselves, and lead with love, bravery, honesty, compassion. <3
Thank you for writing this up! It is so affirming. I feel this so much when my anxiety gets tangled with real-world problems and people say, "stop worrying so much" or "oh, well, what can you do?". It always feels like it's me that's the problem, but really it's the world's man-made cruelties and sensitive folk are left processing the pain of them!
Also very timely for me. I left a job recently because I was told I was too nice’ and I had to work on that. Also not to call a confused elderly client ‘sweetheart’ when she was in distress and I was trying to support her. I am sensitive and caring to the moon and back and am proud to say I work with love. I unequivocally own my mIsteps and am quick to forgive others who don’t. We should not be ashamed, we are gifted and intuitive and compassionate with a sensitivity that not only extends to people but to animals and Mother Nature in spades. We support the underdog and champion the good. We compliment freely and have a smile for a stranger. Thank you Heather H, I lay down the banner of shame and stand proud as a sensitive soul. Bravo to us. Let other people do them and I will continue to do me and let the good times roll!!
Sophie! Your story is so inspiring. It’s unfortunate that your previous job didn't appreciate your kindness and sensitivity, but it’s clear that these qualities are your strengths. Being supportive and compassionate, especially to those in distress, is invaluable. I find your pride in your empathetic nature shines through, and it’s wonderful to see you embrace it fully.
We need more people who champion the good, support the underdog, and spread kindness freely. I must say your attitude of owning your mistakes and forgiving others is commendable. Standing proud as a sensitive soul is a powerful statement. Keep being you and let those good times roll!
Bravo to you and all the sensitive souls out there 🧡
Thank you for your uplifting words. Very much appreciated. Sensitivity and kindness are Super Powers in a Dog eat Dog greedy terrified world. We need to remember that and stand proud. I won’t take back my sympathetic stance in the name of coldness. I really appreciate your response.
You got this, Sophie 😊
I appreciated how this was laid out not in the context of an individual story. Maybe because I am someone who has never been told they were “too much”/ that they are too emotional or too sensitive? My therapist has suggested that I’m pretty conversant with my emotions for someone who’s congenitally (a recovering?) stoic. Maybe that’s why I like this space….I want to not be emotionally stunted and love Polly’s deep compassion. Anyway, I didn’t really choose to be this way an I hope it’s not either/or. I admire my sensitive/emotional friends’ ability to be vulnerable AND wish that they’d stop talking about themselves sometimes.
Your last sentence suggests another possibility, the balance of giving and taking energy gets thrown off by people who discover someone willing to listen with their whole heart. It feels so good and they want more and more. Liking a bag of potato chips. "Please don't eat me up all in one sitting."
One thing you say here is my eternal debate. **We don't choose to be sensitive!** Everyone else thinks that we woke up one day and we decided to be sensitive. No, it's not a decision, it's combined forces acting together. Beautiful and difficult forces
It’s such a challenge! I’ve been gaslighted, dismissed, etc. but I still soldier on and do a better job reading the signs of people who are capable of connecting on a deeper level and not taking it personally when they don’t. It’s work, but so important for a healthy, balanced psyche.
I am having a personal reckoning with ALL of this right now and I love when your words land smack dab in the middle of my own personal reckonings!
Thank you, Heather. This is my nature and I wear it differently (not saying better! in some respects, yeah—in others, NO) at age 55 than I did at 45 or 40 or 35 or 20.
When I was young my emotions flew out of me indiscriminately and I didn’t have any idea how to ride them or share them with any discernment or take responsibility for any of them. But there they were, right out there. All my unashamed tears. Bless.
I hit a sweet spot maybe around 45, sharing fully if not immediately in the heat of the moment (usually) while being sensitive to/aware of the room. I let it rip with others when the time was right and it felt clean, and sat responsibly in my own freaky swirl until it died down a little when I knew I was feeling victim-y and didn’t have enough of my wits about me.
I don’t love what I’m doing with it now but that’s because I don’t love the room, honestly. I’m tired of feeling the contrast between my own sensitive emotionality and the blithe, repressed chill of the crowd. I don’t want to fan my feeling feathers out for the people. I don’t want the exposure hangover anymore. But I miss being known and I wish I could feel as safe and sure as I used to expressing my real being.
Anyway, I loved this piece. You make me want to see if I can crack it open again.
Tina, I get it! I feel like I'm coming out of a self-protective phase of really feeling tired of showing too much. "Exposure hangover" is a nice way of putting it. I think a little break from sharing a lot all the time has helped me to see how much connection other people want/ crave from me. I think I couldn't see it before because I felt too vulnerable?
What I'm saying is that backing off for a while can actually make you feel more safe/ sure. You don't try as hard, people come to you, you show up for people who need more, and you keep telling people what you value in relationships, as in "I am here for honesty even when you're not at your best." Lately this feels like just being relaxed and solid for me.
Not sure I'm articulating this well, but I'm trying to say that whether you're sharing or holding back, noticing your comfort level and being respectful of it leads to more self-trust and comfort, which leads to more connection and comfort with others quite naturally.
The only constant that I think helps is this: Stay vulnerable. Notice how you feel. Be honest with yourself. Don't pretend you don't care. Dare to notice what you truly want and care about. Somehow this energy makes it easier to give yourself patience and compassion and also to connect with others at a deeper level. Investing and daring to care = cracking it open again.
Hey, thank you so much for this meaty response. You articulated it really well and I got it. I feel what you’re saying. I’m deep in an unusually long backing-off period which doesn’t feel done yet but I did tip over into withdrawing my investment and making like I don’t care as much as I do. Ugh, I will have to admit that I do care and feel all windblown and tender about that. But that’s good.
I’m going to carry this advice around in my pocket for real. Thank you again. 🖤
"I don’t want the exposure hangover anymore." This comment explains to me why I hate having to exhibit my creative work and attend my own gallery openings. It is the habit of feeling shame of being me, and that habit needs adjusting.
Not you making me cry on Substack at 3:40pm on a Monday
*hands out a pack of tissue*
I needed these precise words today. Thank you 💜
My wish is that everyone who has commented could gather monthly for “sensitive & emotional” club meeting. That way we would all understand each other and we wouldn’t have to deal with all the bullshit of finding the people who get us and being hurt by the people who don’t. Anyone live in west central FL?? Hahaha
This is so perfectly wonderful, thank you! I feel seen and valuable. I also love Sarah Quirk’s scientific breakdown of us having a true purpose in the population, not just being burdensome eggshell walkers like it can feel like.
This one post laid out the bones of a stupid dramatic falling out from the winter that had snagged in my heart and brain like a fishhook and I feel shame lifting at last. Heather, you do such a service to us all, thank you!
This is so timely for me personally as I'm really trying to work towards being what you outline in this beautiful musing. Curiosity for others and for the world is also integral to this I think. Thanks for the words Heather!
Very nice post. As far as sensitivity and emotions go, society really does demonize it a lot, from all angles.
Expressing your emotions about what you endure and what you appreciate should be practiced, to the degree that it promotes more understanding and proliferates effective progress rather than stagnates it. Speak about how you feel, but do so in a way that allows those emotions to be driven towards something greater, and much more positive.
It’s a tricky thing to get down. It seems most would rather settle for the two extremes: closing themselves off, or sharing too much.
One creates the drought, the other a flood.
This is very true. I think it's very very difficult not to share too much, though, under current conditions. It's like you're always denied what you need, everywhere you go. So when you get the slightest hint that someone might actually be capable of listening and understanding, you get overly excited. I have often been guilty of this! So I tend to forgive oversharing in all of its forms -- just feels like a side effect of our broken culture.
Absolutely. I very often run into people who end up spilling a lot of sensitive personal details about what they go through and how they process things. It’s sad to see that I was their only, if fortunate one of their only, avenues to vent through. At the same time, it’s great to be that individual who can sit and listen to someone speak their life story for hours on end. It brings perspective, and it takes a lot of pain off their shoulders in the process.
Let’s continue to promote that openness. It’ll heal many people❤️
YES! And I conflate friendly interest (you know, just connecting as acquaintances) with romantic interest because it’s so rare and means so much to me!!! This post!!!❤️🩹❤️🩹💖
Ahh this blew my mind open. How incredible to be able to reframe “I can be a needy friend” to “I have a really high capacity for intimacy”. Not kidding this was actually a life-changing read for me!
One thought to add: the couple of friends that have been direct that they have found me needy, do also themselves have fairly high capacity. However I think this can be so rare, that in the relief of such friendships it is tempting to lay too much onto them in times of very high stress or worry. Spreading myself around is an art I’m only mastering in my late 40s, along with I think a naturally decreasing need for reassurance as my self confidence feels solid. Asking the question “are you up for a chat about X?” is a super simple way to at least reassure myself I’m being considerate of others capacity.
Love this!