Being Sensitive and Emotional Isn't Easy

Don't let it make you ashamed of who you are!

Untitled (1961) by Dorothea Tanning

Being a sensitive, emotional person out in the open is extremely difficult. Even when you’re confident, smart, self-aware, and utterly dedicated to personal growth, discovery, and real intimacy with others, guess what?

It’s still very hard.

Because it is very, very difficult to express your emotions and ask for what you want directly in our culture. There are pitfalls and snags and snares everywhere. It’s not at all easy to build and maintain solid friendships when you’re emotional and sensitive. It is not that easy to get the support you need when your life is in turmoil, either. And it is very, very common to be told that your traits as a sensitive, emotional person are to blame for every obstacle you encounter, because THAT’S THE STORY MOST PEOPLE TELL about sensitive emotional people who are going through some shit!

Why is this the case? Why does being a sensitive emotional person feel like such a hard road?

1. The culture doesn’t support open displays of emotion and treats sensitivity as a liability instead of a strength.

2. As a result, many people resign themselves to expressing and sharing as little as possible, so even if they started out sensitive, eventually they start to encounter sensitivity as a sign of weakness or lack of control.

3. If you’ve been viewed as “too much” throughout your life thanks to your strong interest in connection and willingness to express your emotions, you’ve probably accumulated a lot of defense mechanisms — dismissiveness, withdrawal, indifference — and also suffered through a lot of shame and guilt at being open and vulnerable. These factors make it feel even riskier to show your big heart.

4. Even once you’ve reckoned with and addressed your shame, many people are bad at or afraid of intimacy, so when you show them your true feelings or ask them directly for what you need (a healthy thing to do!), they are likely to become locked up, guarded, or defensive, and move quickly toward the assertion that you’re too demanding and / or your needs are irrational.

5. Anytime you’re dealing with someone who wants less intimacy than you do, unless they’re very confident and direct and unashamed of their needs, they’re going to feel tempted to stigmatize your needs as foolish or illogical and/or treat you as unstable.

6. Even once you establish a healthy relationship — platonic or romantic — with someone else who’s sensitive and emotional, their underlying capacity for intimacy may be limited. This will sometimes manifest itself in avoidance or rejection, which will cause you to doubt yourself all over again.

***

This morning I was talking to a smart friend who’s going through a very difficult time. She’s a very sensitive, creative person who often relies on close friends to reassure her that what she’s feeling is normal and okay. She seeks reassurance not because she’s needy or unstable, although some people might see it that way. She needs reassurance because so many people conflate intensity and sensitivity with neediness and/or emotional instability!

In other words, she has been trained, for decades now, to doubt herself and second-guess her own behavior. Even when she’s being completely rational, reacting to conditions on the ground as anyone would, she has a knee-jerk habit of questioning herself and feeling guilty for anything she might have done wrong.

I can relate — as can every single intense, emotional person I know. What’s frustrating is how her ability to take responsibility for her actions sometimes seems to give the people around her even more license to gaslight her and twist her behavior into a narrative that protects them from having to interrogate their own behaviors and motives.

It’s so easy to see that this is what’s happening to her from a distance. But it’s very, very difficult to recognize that kind of situation when you’re in the middle of it. When you’re being told that you’re doing it wrong yet again, and you’ve spent your whole life doubting yourself thanks to similar experiences, it’s impossible not to feel confused and ashamed.

What’s ridiculous is that, in situation after situation, simply being honest and clear about where you are and how you’re feeling has the potential to cause trouble, if you’re dealing with people who don’t want to be direct and don’t want to examine their own motives and behaviors with curiosity and an open heart. For people like that, even simple words seeking connection are threatening.

I emerged from my conversation with my friend this morning feeling sad about how many exceptional, interesting people out there in the world are suffering because so many people misunderstand them. And the more misunderstood you feel, the harder it can be to give your love and stand up for what you need in return.

***

But there is good news! Once you fully accept that some people absolutely want true, real, intimate relationships that are based on direct communication and mutual love and support, and other people are absolutely incapable of such relationships, the storm clouds clear and the sun shines on your life.

Suddenly, everything looks very obvious:

1.     Some people want to talk it out. Other people want to avoid.

2.     Some people want to reassure you that they love you. Other people want to back away from all conflict and awkwardness.

3.     Some people are looking to learn more and more about themselves and others, even when it’s a little awkward. And other people are looking to avoid this kind of deep, personal learning at all costs.

It can be confusing when you still feel ashamed of how emotional you are. People who don’t want intimacy are very good at using any emotional expression as proof that someone “can’t handle” relationships. When you fear closeness, you blame and insult other people in order to stay safe and blameless. The irony is that people who stigmatize other peoples’ emotions are usually the ones who struggle with intimacy the most. Because when you’re truly capable of intimacy, you welcome emotions and invite people to express their feelings, no matter how conflicted and upsetting those feelings might be.

What’s great is that once you understand this important difference, you can still befriend people who are pretty uninterested in intimacy because you know not to take that emotional distance personally.

In fact, as a sensitive, emotional person who finally understands just how completely averse to emotions this world is, you may suddenly recognize that very few situations are personal. People are either capable or incapable of showing up, being present, and talking about the truth directly.

Once you see that clearly, you can make choices that support your needs without stigmatizing yourself. You can ask for what you want without shame, and also accept that some people just don’t have the capacity to give it to you.

And you can recognize the special people who DO want deep, trusting connections with others. You can feel good putting your faith in them. You can rest assured that your relationship with them is precious and worth treasuring. Because when two people can tell each other the truth without fear?

Well, nothing is better than that.

That’s the real reward of learning to be sensitive and emotional out in the open: finally learning to cultivate close relationships that are trusting, loving, and mutually supportive. Finally learning to be your whole self without apology. Finally learning to relax and enjoy the love you share without fear.

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Thanks for reading Ask Polly! I’d love to talk about the challenges of being sensitive and intense and emotional in the comments section today, so bring it!

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