Things feel pretty fucked. I don’t know how to do anything remotely useful today, so I’m inviting you to tell me about relationships and situations you’re struggling with, and I’ll try to offer whatever I can. I might not get to everyone and I might not have a single helpful thing to say, but I’m going to try to step into this void with an open heart and see what happens. Please feel free to offer your support and positive advice to others. Let’s see if we can make this small corner of the world a tiny bit brighter.
I love and learn so much from your columns (and Molly’s too!). Thank you for putting into direct, beautiful, and entertaining words such key wisdom for all of us! Your enthusiasm for this world and this life always shine through (hand in hand with your acknowledgement of how shitty our current times can be). I find I feel energized and thoughtful while and after reading you.
My boyfriend is boring and not witty. He acts like an idiot most of the time (fart jokes, fake wining, that sort of thing). He is an otherwise incredible person; sweet, supportive, loyal, kind, a good listener, ambitious, forgiving, willing to grow. But he withholds his mind from me so much I'm beginning to wonder if he even has one. All my life i thought i wanted to be the object of someone's affection but now i'm allergic to it because i can't stand feeling like the only interesting and intelligent person in the relationship (I say this while very acutely aware of how ordinary my 'interesting' and 'intelligent' is). i'm tired of dating myself and rolling my eyes at the 30th fart joke of the day
I’m struggling with direction. I am 39 I had hoped to be married by now and have a career as a writer but I am single, I write sometimes usually for free. I am frustrated with my life and myself and it feels like time is running out. 4 years ago I moved from the UK to the US, it was a long held dream, but it’s been tough, I’ve bounced between freelance jobs, dated emotionally unavailable men and then there’s the rest. In the last 3 years 3 people close to me have died, in one instance I found the body, then as I started to get over this I got an email, all of my life’s belongings had burned down in the UK. Now I have nothing to go back to either. I feel incredibly stuck and like I’m mourning my life as I live it. I try to date but no one likes me back, how can I help myself see that I have options and not be so sad. I feel trapped by finance constraints and everything else in my life seems empty. I can’t imagine anyone ever loving me again and that’s the worst bit.
My sister in law committed a violent suicide end of June. There has been no memorial of any type as my brother in law is a scientist and anti-religious/spiritual. He thinks we should just remember good times as she struggled with her mental health last year. I am having a tough time accepting this. I know it’s Covid time and safety issues but even a small family Zoom would be beneficial. Should I just mind my own business? My children are grieving and I worry for their only child, my nephew. His mom is gone one day and that’s it. It breaks me.
I feel awful even posting something so trivial when it seems like everyone else has much bigger problems. I’m sending my love to all of you, truly. Polly/others, I have the biggest dreams for myself. I have sky-high plans for my life- always have. I want it ALL. But recently, I’ve felt so down about everything. I feel completely talentless, unloveable, and mediocre. The voice creeps in my head and asks me if my dreams are even possible or worth wanting. I’m nowhere near close to the success I want, and it’s making me wonder if I’m not that special. I don’t expect things to happen overnight, but I always thought I’d be closer now that I’m older. Also, imagining any other life than the one in my dreams hurts. A lot. I don’t know where to go from here.
I've been feeling pretty bad too, so I'm right there with you and everyone else. I'm 24 and feel very insecure about the state of my friendships. I feel ambivalent over all my them, and I feel especially lonely right now. I really wish I had a best friend, a go to. I have to constantly remind myself nothing is wrong with me and people struggle with friendships in their 20s. But still dealing with a lot shame, especially given how Covid has made it nearly impossible to meet new people (I'm not on social media). I want to believe in deep meaningful friendships, but sometimes wonder if I am capable of them. How can I honor my desire for friendships in a crazy time like now, while also not basing a lot of worth around them?
I'm really struggling with absorbing the onslaught of terror and sadness over the last six months. As a result, I feel like I'm squatting inside myself—like I'm a tight ball of tension that wants to swat people (people I love deeply!) away and keep everything out. The problem with being a squatting ball of tension is that I'm not really letting any lightness or compassion in, either. I'm lucky to have sources of both—even amidst what feels like a hellscape—but I can't seem to mend this brain-body connection rupture or lessen the guilt around not being able to "fix" it. I'm being hard on myself, wondering if I'm giving enough love and support to the people around me while grasping for equilibrium for myself. My desire for sex and physical touch feels diminished, and my ever-present sensitivity feels like a live wire. I would love your thoughts, insights, solidarity.
Thank you for being here, Polly. My most difficult relationship right now is with myself, which feels like such a privilege but is also incredibly frustrating! I don't understand my emotions at all, even in therapy sessions--it just feels like a system I don't have the keys to. I'm tired all the time and nothing feels energizing any more. The pandemic situation has been difficult in that I feel like I've really made an effort to try to take care of my wellbeing, but I still feel rotten--and I can't even tell if I would feel like I were making progress if it weren't for the chronic stress, or if I really am just stuck. I'm not good at not being good at things in general, but it's extra frustrating to not be good at things that feel so vital and so unoutsourceable. Do you have any words of wisdom?
I love my partner with all my heart, and he has been a godsend throughout this whole bullshit quarantimes. But we live in a goddamned studio apartment, and I swear to motherfucking christ if he farts
ONE
MORE
TIME
I don't know what I'll do but I'm pretty sure it'll be some sort of spree.
I'm working a full time job from home, and so is my husband. Our son is in first grade and we're trying to do remote learning. It sucks. He can't really read yet, and it's also incredibly distracting and chaotic. His poor teacher is doing her best, but it's 25 6-year-olds on a Webex call. He ends up unfocused, we get frustrated about it. We're constantly being interrupted and we get frustrated about that. He ends up in tears at least once a day during "school" and so do I. We're all intense people. My job is high pressure, I'm managing people remotely and have a new boss. I'm so stressed and tired so much of the time. I sometimes feel like a raw nerve, and if my kiddo asks me for my attention ONE MORE TIME I'm going to lose it. And then I feel like a raging asshole. And, as a corollary, like I'm failing at my job and failing at parenting.
I have PTSD and I am afraid of men. I struggle with longing, like fucking yearning for love but at the same time being repulsed by the thought of it. I'm trying to make myself bisexual. I'm trying to crawl into myself and like marinate my innards with some kind of love (like self love or loving the child in me that wasn't loved). I'm trying to think of sex as something that doesn't need to happen but it feels false because it does. Also, even if I came to trust men again, doesn't the world require me to still fear them, if a bit lesser than I'm doing right now? I have to learn to fear men the right amount. I should love and fear men to be in the world, again.
I’m turning 31 on Wednesday. I have weird birthday melancholy. September is already a weird month. August feels like the Sunday of the calendar year to me and September is the Monday. Nothings wrong. I’m just sad and I don’t know why.
Hi Heather. Going to join your vulnerability striptease and out myself as the LW for “want to stay”. I stayed. He got therapy. It’s been two months. When he was in the shower I had a strong urge to check his phone and I found lots of evidence of cheating. I packed up and left silently and will not ever be returning. We had a birthday trip coming up for me tomorrow. It was in my name so I cancelled. All that to say, I don’t regret a fucking thing. I told convention to go to hell and did my own thing and it felt really freaking good. And better yet, I followed my heart and the path it was nudging me towards. I can’t explain why that path was chosen for me by my heart but it was right for me, even though that same heart is in a whole lot of pain right now and mourning the loss of a carefully planned future. That said, I’m really loving the idea of not carefully planned futures nowadays so I’ll roll with that.🥰
Hi Heather/Pollu: I've got the classic case of being trapped in a "chill" relationship with a dude. He hasn't DONE anything to make me increasingly angry, aside from the fact that he, well, hasn't done anything. We've been existing in this horrible limbo and the results of me texting him that I felt like we weren't getting anywhere was him saying "he's not in a place for a relationship but I've become one of his favorite people." And of course I went along with it and here we are, months later, still absolutely no where. I can't even say that I want a monogamous relationship with him bc I feel like he hasn't been vulnerable with me and I don't even really know him, but I know I feel like its getting increasingly painful to not know where we stand. How do I bring this up to him in a way where he doesn't feel like he's getting attacked (especially since I haven't voiced much concern as of yet)?
When I was dating my ex, he once said (in a joking, self-loathing way), "you should date [my friend], you're both so hilarious in a way that I'm not." Welp. We're broken up now (which has been very tough) and his friend and I have been texting nonstop for months. Friend has been super respectful, checking in with my ex frequently to ask if it's okay to talk with me and I've done the same, as we are now all very close with one another. Ex-bf told me I'm more than welcome to date his friend (which hurt, tbh).
This guy is insanely funny and I somehow NEVER tire of talking to him. He also brings out the funniest side of me and is a super sweet, smart, kind person. I asked my ex-bf if he thought friend liked me and he told me that he'd asked him already and he said: "Don't worry, I have a strict rule that I'd never date someone a close friend loved."
I think that rule could be overcome *but* I find it so hard to become attracted to this guy. When we hang out, the three of us, I feel nothing and just find myself pining for my ex. But it's the same even when we're 1-1. He is perfectly normal looking, I just...?? When we're texting though, it's a different story, and I want him. In any normal situation, I would orchestrate a hook up to calibrate but 1) covid and 2) once we cross into that territory, it feels like there's no going back.
We've become so close though that I'm considering literally moving somewhere with this guy for a month to work remotely and get away from the Norcal fires.
I am a 27 year old woman who has never had her first kiss or any romantic encounters. In 2019, I felt like maybe something with a new crush could work out. I asked him to hang out one on one and he said yes (but it wasn't a date....just 2 friends talking) and I felt like I could progress things. I felt like maybe I could get my first kiss at 26. But then my bday happened and then the pandemic happened. And now it feels like I can't get my first kiss at 27 or 28 with how long things are going. It feels like I can't get past this developmental milestone ever! I grew up religious so I was always a late bloomer and I do have some shame attached to romantic things. People get arranged married in my religion, and dating is not allowed. I don't want to get an arranged marriage but so many of my friends are. It feels like the most logical thing to do. I clearly am not good at finding anyone for myself (and I feel desperate at times). When you are pathetic, socially anxious, (possibly ugly), arranged marriage seems to be the right choice. But for some reason I want romance! I sometimes think if I can have ONE....just one...romantic kiss or date, I could finally say I experienced it and maybe say yes to an arranged marriage. I care too much about the magic of romance.
I just quit my job (in order to spend more time with my child, I had incredible working hours) - it was definitely the right decision but everyday I wake up with so much anxiety now that I can barely breathe. It's not so much financial anxiety, it's more reading 250 job descriptions every day and not wanting or feeling able to do even one of them. A feeling of not fitting/beonging in this world. I feel like a giant question mark and it's driving me insane: when people (kindly) try to ask me where I can see myseld or what I'd like to do in the future I just go blank and can't think of anything. I'm 35 for fuck sake. I should have figured this out a long time ago. It's driving me nuts, waking up everyday, asking myself: so what do we do NOW?
ALSO: WHO THE FUCK QUITS HIS JOB IN A FUCKING PANDEMIC??????
Okay thanks so much for this space. Incredibly grateful to know I’m not alone here with so many of the emotions. A couple weeks ago, I told my mom flat out that I felt like a loser.
My question is... does anyone else get really angry when your parents give you advice, even if it’s relatively good advice? I’ve been looking for a job for a while now, since I graduated in December. And my dad saw an opportunity at the company he works for opening up and is pretty insistent on me pursuing it. I’ve also been interviewing for a job that I’m interested in, but when I told my parents about it they were concerned about it not paying enough. Both situations had in them reasonable things for me to consider, but I feel like, EXTREME rage toward any suggestion from them, like I want to do the opposite just for them suggesting something I should do with my life. I’m wondering if this is tied to being the youngest in my family? And maybe just shame for feeling like I haven’t gotten to take care of myself fully yet? Also, I think I’m not sure if I always trust their intentions. For some reason I’m always thinking “you want to control me!!” The emotions are truly visceral, I have to try my best to get away gracefully from the convo before I start yelling at them sometimes.
Hey heather/polly! I’m not feeling like asking for help but I want you to know that your advice has helped me grow into an adult who knows what is hers and what she needs to ask for, even when she won’t get it, so she’ll know for sure to leave. I call you and a couple other people my stranger mentors and when you move on to writing something else I will just use your old columns to remind my of the stuff I need to hear. xoxoxo, Laura
People are just terrifying. I can't ask anyone for anything without feeling excrutiating shame, i have good friends (somehow) but give whatever they want from me and never ask for anything back. Naturally, the people closest to me just ask me for a lot because its either that or we have no meaningful relationship. I struggle to meet new people because it feels like i have nothing to say. I think I'm a good person with value and i see that most of the time when i'm on my own but put me with a bunch of people and it's like i don't exist.
Just returned from neurologist appt. I’ve had a bad headache that started in an instant-like a pop went off in my head-during an intense and emotional argument with my husband 2 weeks ago. Living with this pain all day long for 14 days has been debilitating. Good news Doc doesn’t think it’s life threatening but ordered an MRI for peace of mind. Bad news is he suspects I’m depressed, stressed and feeling lost. Hmmm pandemic, Trump, menopause, last of my 4 children to graduate, pay cuts due to pandemic, money tight, college decisions...why would doc think depression? What do you recommend so I can chill the fuck out? Besides the monumental fight from 2 weeks ago, I’ve got a pretty great relationship with my husband of 28 years, great, kind kids and a roof over my head and food in the fridge. Jesus. I sound pathetic. Maybe I just answered my own question. Thanks for all you do. I love everything you write and how you think.
I've been struggling to let go of a man I fell in love with 15 years ago (!!). I knew when I met him he'd be bad for me (charismatic, famous, avoidant, unavailable), but the connection was undeniable. I justified continuing to see him by the constraints of my own life: single mom to a teenage son, living in a town where I'd already worked my way through the short list of potential matches, the fun / thrill of dating someone who lived in (and took me to) sexier places. It helped that my family liked him: he was a lot like my dad — the charismatic alpha male thing. I see now that I was doing the same 'Look at me!' tap dance I'd done growing up, and while I've been determined to stop it, the need to be seen, to find my value in being the adoring mirror to a powerful man, still pulls me in. It's such a quick fix. I know I need to look elsewhere — to look for a quiet, undramatic love with a man in Dockers — but I can't bring myself to do so. How can I stop the shame cycle? Do I block Mr. Flame? That seems silly; we don't even talk much anymore. So why is my first thought every morning, 'Why doesn't he love me?' And why do I loathe myself because of that thought.
I love reading your advise so much, thanks for lending us your time and thoughts. You got me through one of my toughest breakups.
I'm struggling with a relationship where I've caught feelings for somebody who came on strong and sweet, but has started to dwindle. He's giving me some mixed signals (like saying he doesn't want a girlfriend right now but could see a relationship in the future). My anxiety isn't letting me walk away because my hope is too strong and I'm tunnel visioned into my feelings for this guy. Also, I just found out my dad is dying and all I want is the support of a partner, and I feel ashamed for craving that.
Oh lord, maybe it should be comforting to see how Not Alone I am in this pain, but my heart is just continually breaking for myself and everyone else going through it right now. I'm 22 and just graduated from a shitty, directionless undergraduate program (which I'm 200k in the hole for), completed an incredibly intense coding bootcamp that pushed me to a breaking point with my mental and physical health (coding doesn't SEEM like it should be super physically strenuous, but my sciatica and carpal tunnel beg to differ), had a painful breakup with my best friend/roommate of 2 years, moved back into my mom's house until I get a job (god knows when)... and this amazing man, I'll call him K, supported me through this all. We met early 2019, de facto moved in together later 2019 (as one does with NYC rents) and "officially" moved in together in January. We had our fair share of relationship hurdles but our communication, vulnerability, and genuine desire for each other and for our relationship to work buoyed us through over a year of living together. Unfortunately, spending 20+ hours/day less than 2 feet away from each other as we both worked from home led to a breaking point... or did it? I've always been very queer and 80% women-leaning in my desired partner, and at some point in the relationship that became a huge problem... or did it? I'm having so much trouble parsing through everything I'm going through right now and that makes me sad. He felt/feels like family to me, and my brain keeps whispering "you need him you need him you need him" but something else inside of me is saying "no, you don't." I guess what I'm asking is, after reading many of your columns that advise people to stick things out, open their harts to their partners, see how things go... what does it mean that I just don't want to? I don't want to parse through this ambiguity anymore. I don't want to have to prioritize him like I have for the past year, like I would want to in a Real Adult Relationship. I don't want to see a future with him, I don't want to settle down at age 22, I don't want to give in to inertia. How can I know where the line lies between sabotaging my life by not giving something beautiful a fair chance to flourish and heeding my gut feelings, though they are murky and contradictory to the point that I feel like an unreliable narrator of my own life?
I've been struggling with mourning my mother, who passed at the beginning of quarantine (not covid, just cardiac arrest) a few states away from me--I'd just started quarantining in NY with my girlfriend of a few months, who I'd been long distance with for most of the relationship, and she was incredible considering she hasn't lost a parent and that we'd had lots of issues while we'd been apart (mostly due to my fears around infidelity, I'd been cheated on in my last relationship). I was so inconsolable about not being able to see my mom off and about being an orphan now, and I wasn't always the nicest to my gf but we pulled through, of course not before a few fights that got me to snap out of my weird state of anger over what had happened. She stayed at mine for a few months and is now back at hers, and we're about to move in together next month when her lease is up, but I still feel depressed about the pandemic / my loss and I'm really afraid that I'm a drain on her--she's an optimist and she clearly cares for me still and says she's excited to move in together but I hate the idea that she's tired of me or finds how down I've been predictable, it scares me so much that she might think I'm permanently unlucky or broken.
I had a gut wrenching soul shaking friend breakup well over a year ago, and I still think and miss her every day. I often find myself imagining the motions of my life as if she was there, and aching for an alternate reality in which she is. My life is great! Good things are happening I just... cannot stop missing her, and mourning the loss of a person I still work with and interact with on a daily basis feels impossible. My therapist insists that grief takes time, but the practical part of me wonders if there is something so key or hack I can do to miss her less.
Okay, so: I grew up in a religious cult, though I didn't realize it until I was in my twenties. I'm also gay and it's a pretty anti-gay cult. It wrecked my self-esteem and it took me a long time to learn how to love myself and to not be ashamed of who I love. I'm actually doing pretty good in that area now. I got my first boyfriend a few months ago and we're doing wonderfully. I no longer believe the propaganda and have developed an extensive, supportive group of friends and interests outside of my "friends" and family within the cult.
My actual problem really comes down to work. Growing up in the cult destroyed my career trajectory before it ever started. The cult discourages college and higher education, but my dad at least wanted me to go to community college. I didn't; I was too depressed at the time and couldn't handle it, and couldn't even begin to fathom what kind of job I would want. I spent the summer after graduating high school loafing around the house until a friend of a friend opening his first fast food joint just gave me a job for him. Fast forward to my early thirties and I still work for the guy, running his office behind the scenes. It's a great job in the sense that it's a stable nine-to-five that's let me pursue my hobbies and has plenty of downtime. It's a terrible job in the sense that I'm paid pitifully and still have to live with my (cult member) parents because i can't afford to live on my own; at this pay, even if I had several roommates all my money would go towards basic necessities with nothing left over.
My family doesn't know that I'm gay nor that I no longer believe, and I have to pretend around them. If they find out I will be kicked out and shunned; I've accepted that the shunning will happen, it's heavily ingrained into the cult, and I can't live a lie or in hiding anymore, but I need to move out before that can fully happen, and I need a better job to do that. But I just feel so lost and aimless when it comes to jobs. Back when I was more self-loathing I tried to get other jobs outside the fast food joint but I'd self sabotage because I felt like I didn't deserve them. I was so ashamed of my resume once that I threw it away right before an interview despite knowing I'd never get the job without once. I know I'm capable of a lot, especially now, but I've never earned a job on my own merit. I've had many job interviews but never passed one.
Last summer I started looking for other jobs in the office/administrative assistant field, but got sidetracked because my current boss offered me some promotions that I thought might be better. They haven't worked out the way I'd hoped, and I really just don't want to work for this guy anymore. Now I'm searching for a job in a pandemic and a depression, yay. I know I can slug through this, but I hate it. Hate hate HATE it. I hate working. I've been furloughed since March, and when I was getting the extra $600 unemployment it was one of the best times of my life. I paid off all my debts, started writing more, caught up on my television, video games, and reading...I realized that if I never ever had a job again but still had money, I'd be perfectly content for the rest of my life. And that scares me because I don't have that drive to pursue a job or career, but I NEED to to escape this life I'm in. I should've gone back to school, and maybe I will some day, but I STILL have no idea what I'd even do, and now I can't stay in this house another two to four years to get a degree; I need to leave before then. I'm scared because job searching in every aspect is foreign and intimidating to me. I'm scared that I'm not cut out to work and I don't know what that even means for me. I'm scared by the fact that I've been willing for so long to pretend to be in a cult and sneak off to see boys/my boyfriend for free rent and a comfortable place to live rather than leave and be thrust into an unstable, uncertain situation. I don't like what any of this says about me. Outside of work situations I have a fun and satisfying life and I guess I'm terrified that any work I'll be able to take to get me out of my parents house will ruin that life, defeating the whole purpose of me leaving. Except the purpose of me leaving is to be free and be able to forge my own life. I want to take this final step to leave and start anew but I'm worried I may be self-sabotaging again. I'm sorry that's so much, Polly, and such a weird situation. Thoughts?
I'm in day 9 of solo isolation after testing positive for Covid-19. Testing positive was a complete shock; my boyfriend and I only got tested because his parents were coming out of state to visit. For months, I've been the one pleading with my family to take this seriously, and I thought I was being so careful, but despite everything I got caught up in the most recent wave in the Southern state I'm living in. Somehow, my boyfriend tested negative twice, so we're isolating separately, which sucks. Basically I'm really struggling - with loneliness, with the fear that I'll develop some horrible heart condition despite being relatively very lucky with a mild case so far, with anger at my family for seeing my positive test as proof that there's no way to prevent getting this disease. All of my friends have been asking me to focus on the positive and keep assuring me that I'll "be completely fine," which feels like they're dismissing my (I think legitimate) fear. I keep googling "what to do if you have Covid-19"/"how to cope with having Covid-19" and hoping that there will be some information on how to deal with the anxiety that comes with having the thing that's crippling the world right now, but understandably, all that comes up is "Call 911 if you can't breathe." Also, I asked my doctor when I should go to the emergency room, and she said "if you can't breathe or you feel like you're having a heart attack or you're so confused that you don't know where you are." IN WHAT WORLD would I, someone in state-imposed isolation, be in a position to call 911 if I don't even know where I am??? I guess I'm just looking for advice on navigating the intense and complicated emotions that I imagine lots of other Covid-positive people must have dealt with. How do we take care of our souls while our bodies fight this invisible monster?
My best friend and I both survived spectacularly dangerous and shitty childhoods. Now, we live half a country apart, and she's in an abusive marriage with two small children. We're both highly intuitive people, and we have this link - earlier, I felt doom and terror descend out of nowhere, and she texted me shortly after to tell me that she's trapped in a vacation him with him and his family, he is following her around and threatening her, and his family seems to know what's going on, but won't intervene, and pretend it's not happening.
I know there's not much more to do than I have done. I worked professionally in domestic violence for years, so I understand the nuances and dynamics, and she's doing everything she can safely do. She is working toward an income level that would allow her to leave. But it hurts. And it's hard, and so, so painful. And I am mindful too of my own tendency to go along for the ride of other people's feelings - how I grew up thinking it was required of me to feel what other people feel in order to help them. It's a challenge to the system, and I think even being able to name it out loud here is helpful in re-grounding. It's a lot of intense practice in being my own parent, and being able to love and support from a healthy space.
I've never craved something more than the feeling of being seen. Why are we like this? And what is supposed to be done if we constantly put ourselves out there but don't find people who see us? When we all eventually enter the new world, post-corona, I'm intimidated to get back out there and look it all in the face. Finding love ain't easy.
I’m struggling with my first job out of undergrad.... I’d always wanted to be a writer, worked at a newspaper in high school, wrote a novel for my college thesis, but was always told that it wasn’t realistic. I got a “great”, high-paying job that I am extremely grateful for, but I am miserable. I’ve worked ~80 hour weeks every week for about the last year now, and I feel like a shell of myself. I can’t even write on weekends, because I’m so tired, and then I feel shame for not writing, and feel like it proves that I couldn’t be a writer anyway. I’m so scared that I’ll never find professional happiness. I feel like a fraud, both at my job, and in thinking I could ever be anything more.
I recently got hired for what seemed like a dream job, only to find out that the position is only available because there's been nearly constant conflict within the organization since the start of the pandemic, largely over the issue of how to approach "diversity". In title, this is the best job I've ever had, and holding on to this job for a while would probably be excellent for my career. And maybe things will improve and I just need to give it time. But right now, the work feels like being stuck in some perpetual thinly veiled racist Facebook comment thread where everyone is arguing and no one is listening. I want to stick it out longer than the week I've already been doing this, but I can already feel my mental health failing—I'm spending hours ruminating over all the stupid emails.
Sending "ugh, I know, this all sucks" support to the Polly/Molly community 💜 Invisibility and scarcity have always felt like blisters on neighboring toes that get squished together and inflame each other—and this year has been especially painful. Would Polly tell me to get rid of the fucking shoes and go barefoot?
Hey Polly, your articles are extremely comforting for me, especially this year - during this pandemic I've been having periods of feeling intensely worthless and believing if I'm not serving others or progressing in some way, I no longer deserve to be here. I'm not stuck exactly, I'm doing some really great things with my life... but I'm 25 and I've never really dated, and my family and friends feel further and further away from me emotionally these days... I'm not sure where these feelings come from, but I feel deeply sad all the time. The world feels like an increasingly scary place for me. Thank you Polly, you're great <3 x
Thanks for opening this up. I know lots of people are struggling right now and lockdown is throwing difficult relationships into stark relief. I have a difficult relationship with my dad.
He was distant and angry during my childhood, then he had a breakdown when I was 11/12, my parents separated, he got into drink and drugs and eventually went to prison, and there was a restraining order against him for me and my mum. He was then diagnosed with PTSD due to his experiences in the army before I was born.
We've had an on and off relationship, but I find him scary and unpredictable. I sense that my family think I'm being unsympathetic by not having him in my life. Sometimes we exchange emails, I feel like I don't really know him. I'm scared of regretting not getting to know him before he dies. This causes me a lot of dread and worry.
Ok. Well I am struggling with trying to be all-in and embrace a new relationship. Its been a couple of months, and all is great, but since my divorce a few years ago I feel like keeping this new person at arms distance somewhat. Part of me just wants to fast forward to the part where one of us rejects the other. It feels like I am in a scary limbo, but I am also in love I think. I don't know if it's intuition (that somethings not quite right) or fear (of commitment??) that keeps me from enjoying all of this wholeheartedly. Any thoughts?
I don't know if it's ok to still comment - because technically the day of your post is over - but I wanted to add to the support others are showering as well. I look forward to your words each week - Molly, Polly, Heather - all three. They speak to me in a fluid and poetically visceral way that is so healing, nourishing, educating, affirming and wonderfully spellbinding - each in turn and sometimes all at once - even when they speak of painful times or feelings or struggles. Thank you for sharing them, for sharing yourself, for sharing this beautiful and unique only to you combo of bravery, dedication, care, vulnerability, insightfulness and inspiring, messy fuck-all. With a whole lot of the purest pursuit of determined truth thrown in. You don't know it, but your words have helped me through much. They continue to do so.
Dear Polly aka HH, thank you thank you thank you for existing and for writing these amazing columns, seriously. Your columns have been my mental health lifeline, not joking. Your columns have immensely boosted my self confidence in myself, and as a chronic people pleaser, problem solver, "entertainer," and as someone who thinks and feels way too much compared to our generally non-feeling culture, it takes a lot of work on my part to make sure that I don't absorb other peoples' projections of shame to dictate who I should be or how I should act (or if I am "normal"). So, thank you, and stay safe!
Heather. I think about emailing you like once a week. I hope I haven't missed you. I am in a relationship going on two years, and I can't seem to figure if it's working. Both my partner and I come from childhood trauma (who doesn't?!) and we work with a couple's therapist, but I'm not sure I want to keep working on the relationship. Each time we argue, it's because I'm sharing a need or a boundary of some kind. My boyfriend gets defensive and goes into Vicious Lawyer Mode, even though he's normally kind. I'm not the best communicator of my needs and find the idea of disappointing/hurting people very distressing--my needs tend to come out bluntly and directly. So when he does this nasty lawyer thing, I feel shamed, sick and hurt. In short, he's a mean fighter and he doesn't really seem to listen to me until I cry, or until our therapist 'helps' him see my side of things. It's tiring and I always feel like the only adult int he room. On the one hand, we have a good connection--we love art, and music, and books, nature, etc. We get along when there's no conflict (duh) But on the other hand, he's just now tackling some serious childhood trauma, and I'm not sure how I feel about sticking it out until he....changes?? I feel guilty for wanting to leave because he's just not where I am in terms of self-awareness and growth (though again, he's starting that journey). I don't have a ton of models for healthy relationships, and I just don't know when enough is enough. Thanks for the work you do--it has meant so much to me in my life!!!
I have been wanting specific answers and been dissatisfied by ambiguous reality. When will i get to be requitedly in love (never been)? When will I hug my family, half a world away? Who can I rely on in my city (lots of transition and change here)? Am I trans because I want the world to treat my body differently, even tho I don’t want surgery or any other body? How do I live and prosper while holding so much trauma and fear? I am very grateful that most of the time I manage ok being a process, not a destination. This season I commit to healing me and the world can go burn itself down, which it will.
why do i get so sad and anxious when my boyfriend (of nine months) doesn't contact me for 24 hours? I'm a successful and smart and kind woman in my 30s and i've HAD therapy and i still feel sad about it! and he's so lovely and kind and wonderful otherwise and makes me happy. i wish I could give him space – which I know he needs once in a while, and he's asked for, too – without my fear of abandonment coming up to bite my ass.
I've been with my boyfriend for over four years, and despite living together, moving cities for new, busy careers, and being in our thirties, I find myself uncertain if this is for me. The pandemic has been challenging for our relationship. After a few months of relative peace in our tiny apartment in our pandemic-stricken city, he iced me out for a whole day and then blew up at me. He told me I am too talkative (about my job and in general), too passionate (about my job and other conversation topics), and too combative. I was shocked by his anger. I knew neither of us was thrilled with the challenges of the pandemic, but I'd thought we were doing okay. We have had similar conversations in the past where he told me I was difficult, needed a lot, and needed to manage my stress better for the sake of our relationship and I've never questioned it. But for some reason with this fight, it was like a light bulb went on, and for the first time, his anger seemed unreasonable and this didn't seem like my fault. I told him I am who I am at this point and can adjust behavior, but I can't change core personality traits for him. Nor can I be responsible for his happiness or boundaries - I told him I need him to start telling me what he needs.
Ever since, I feel like I've been reaching for him and just touching air. I've told him I feel like I'm alone on an island, while he focuses on my faults from shore. I told him I want an open floor plan in our relationship, where we can both come and go freely, and communication isn't tense or held back. But he just seems sullen and upset with me for refusing to act like none of this happened. I'm worried he lacks the emotional capacity for true intimacy, and that he isn't that interested in who I really am. Is this pandemic irritation, or something deeper? It feels scary to make any major decisions in such an unusual time.
Hi Heather/Polly, thanks for opening this up! I always read your column and often feel that whatever letter you pick has an odd resonance for whatever is going on in my own life at the time, kind of like a weird horoscope? I can’t tell right now if I’m asking wayyyy too much of myself right now given, euphemistically, “the state of the world” (please scream inside your heart), but I am just stuck in every sense of the word. I’m an artist, I’ve been teaching my [highly competitive performance field] for a long time, but I’ve been trying to get started doing actual performances for the past few years. I know that I have the skills/training/critical integrity (???) to make good work, but whenever I’m in the moment of performance I end up pulling my punches and not getting my vision across. Like I make myself mediocre and I cannot stop doing this.
I could go on at length about my tragic backstory and why I’m Like This, but I can’t tell if it even matters anymore. Like hanging onto the story of Why is part of the problem, right? But anyway, it’s causing big problems, I’m not able to pull out of myself the stuff I want to make and do; I’m oddly passive in friendships and relationships, I’m just generally powered down, living life in deferment. It doesn’t help that the pandemic canceled all the opportunities I had lined up for the year— like, there’s actual deferment that’s beyond my control, but it’s more deep-seated than the vicissitudes of 2020 current events.
It just feels flat, like I’m functional on a day to day level, but lnot all the cylinders are firing. My partner says it seems like I’m “not all there,” which is kind of a terrible thing to say, but also kind of true??? When I’ve spoken about it with my, um, mental health professionals, they just respond like “stability” is the holy grail of neurochemistry, and life, and that I shouldn’t be aspiring to more than that.
I know so many people have it so much worse and I’m truly lucky to still have a job, a job that doesn’t suck, no need to balance parenting and work, etc. But I can’t break out of this holding pattern, and the larger pandemic holding pattern just makes everything worse.
I’m six weeks away from giving birth to my first child, and I’m really anxious about it. What if something bad happens? What if, after all this waiting, she dies during delivery?
I want so badly to trust that everything will work out, but I know that things don’t always work out. Three years ago, my husband suddenly died from a hidden heart condition. Now I’m in a wonderful new relationship with a little one on the way, but the world feels just as rocky and shaky and scary for me as it did in 2017. It’s hard to feel hopeful and have faith that everything will be OK. How do I shake this?
I'm 37, single and have no idea how to change that. I'm the type of person who easily makes friends, can keep a conversation and is welcome in a company, but barely anyone ever likes me romantically. I don't even get messages on Tinder. I get matches, I write, get a few answers and the conversation tappers out after a few sentences. Or, if I meet someone interesting, they declare me a close friend. Never a lover. I'm not even bad looking! Am I intimidating? Too assertive? Not anyones type? Unlucky? Shit, right now I'm mostly annoyed. No idea how to go about solving this.
Do I drop everything I have going on here in the US (not much, I’m unemployed and have no family) to go be with the woman I met on tinder who lives in Finland and have been exchanging passionate takes on poetry with while she’s on a break from her gender studies PhD? Or the woman I met on tinder who lives in Sweden and will go backpacking with me every weekend after she’s spent the week saving the world by creating a vibrant community farming infrastructure? Can I somehow have both? And can I make it happen before November?
Thank you for asking! I'm just about to divorce my second husband, and I'm only 36. I lost my brother 7 years ago, and my first husband walked out on me at just around the same time. Needless to say, I did not deal well with all of it - mostly frozen grief for years, which led me to choose a "safe" second marriage. I woke up out of a fog over 3 years ago, just a mere 8 months into the marriage (we dated for 6 months before getting engaged, I met him just as i slipped into a depressive and medicated grief, coupled with an eating disorder that started right about the same time - as you can tell I was a bag of fun), but mostly I was so GRATEFUL that he was there and that he saw me, and that I could be rescued and not have to deal with all the PAIN I felt. We've been separated for 3 years, I know I don't love him and I never did - I don't want to go back. But I don't know how to make peace with all the series of mishaps for the last 7 years, and the "twice-divorced" tag. My parents and friends are totally supportive - everyone just wants to see me be happy again. I do too.
Dear Polly,
I love and learn so much from your columns (and Molly’s too!). Thank you for putting into direct, beautiful, and entertaining words such key wisdom for all of us! Your enthusiasm for this world and this life always shine through (hand in hand with your acknowledgement of how shitty our current times can be). I find I feel energized and thoughtful while and after reading you.
So much love to you and yours! ❤️
My boyfriend is boring and not witty. He acts like an idiot most of the time (fart jokes, fake wining, that sort of thing). He is an otherwise incredible person; sweet, supportive, loyal, kind, a good listener, ambitious, forgiving, willing to grow. But he withholds his mind from me so much I'm beginning to wonder if he even has one. All my life i thought i wanted to be the object of someone's affection but now i'm allergic to it because i can't stand feeling like the only interesting and intelligent person in the relationship (I say this while very acutely aware of how ordinary my 'interesting' and 'intelligent' is). i'm tired of dating myself and rolling my eyes at the 30th fart joke of the day
I’m struggling with direction. I am 39 I had hoped to be married by now and have a career as a writer but I am single, I write sometimes usually for free. I am frustrated with my life and myself and it feels like time is running out. 4 years ago I moved from the UK to the US, it was a long held dream, but it’s been tough, I’ve bounced between freelance jobs, dated emotionally unavailable men and then there’s the rest. In the last 3 years 3 people close to me have died, in one instance I found the body, then as I started to get over this I got an email, all of my life’s belongings had burned down in the UK. Now I have nothing to go back to either. I feel incredibly stuck and like I’m mourning my life as I live it. I try to date but no one likes me back, how can I help myself see that I have options and not be so sad. I feel trapped by finance constraints and everything else in my life seems empty. I can’t imagine anyone ever loving me again and that’s the worst bit.
My sister in law committed a violent suicide end of June. There has been no memorial of any type as my brother in law is a scientist and anti-religious/spiritual. He thinks we should just remember good times as she struggled with her mental health last year. I am having a tough time accepting this. I know it’s Covid time and safety issues but even a small family Zoom would be beneficial. Should I just mind my own business? My children are grieving and I worry for their only child, my nephew. His mom is gone one day and that’s it. It breaks me.
I feel awful even posting something so trivial when it seems like everyone else has much bigger problems. I’m sending my love to all of you, truly. Polly/others, I have the biggest dreams for myself. I have sky-high plans for my life- always have. I want it ALL. But recently, I’ve felt so down about everything. I feel completely talentless, unloveable, and mediocre. The voice creeps in my head and asks me if my dreams are even possible or worth wanting. I’m nowhere near close to the success I want, and it’s making me wonder if I’m not that special. I don’t expect things to happen overnight, but I always thought I’d be closer now that I’m older. Also, imagining any other life than the one in my dreams hurts. A lot. I don’t know where to go from here.
I've been feeling pretty bad too, so I'm right there with you and everyone else. I'm 24 and feel very insecure about the state of my friendships. I feel ambivalent over all my them, and I feel especially lonely right now. I really wish I had a best friend, a go to. I have to constantly remind myself nothing is wrong with me and people struggle with friendships in their 20s. But still dealing with a lot shame, especially given how Covid has made it nearly impossible to meet new people (I'm not on social media). I want to believe in deep meaningful friendships, but sometimes wonder if I am capable of them. How can I honor my desire for friendships in a crazy time like now, while also not basing a lot of worth around them?
I'm really struggling with absorbing the onslaught of terror and sadness over the last six months. As a result, I feel like I'm squatting inside myself—like I'm a tight ball of tension that wants to swat people (people I love deeply!) away and keep everything out. The problem with being a squatting ball of tension is that I'm not really letting any lightness or compassion in, either. I'm lucky to have sources of both—even amidst what feels like a hellscape—but I can't seem to mend this brain-body connection rupture or lessen the guilt around not being able to "fix" it. I'm being hard on myself, wondering if I'm giving enough love and support to the people around me while grasping for equilibrium for myself. My desire for sex and physical touch feels diminished, and my ever-present sensitivity feels like a live wire. I would love your thoughts, insights, solidarity.
Thank you for being here, Polly. My most difficult relationship right now is with myself, which feels like such a privilege but is also incredibly frustrating! I don't understand my emotions at all, even in therapy sessions--it just feels like a system I don't have the keys to. I'm tired all the time and nothing feels energizing any more. The pandemic situation has been difficult in that I feel like I've really made an effort to try to take care of my wellbeing, but I still feel rotten--and I can't even tell if I would feel like I were making progress if it weren't for the chronic stress, or if I really am just stuck. I'm not good at not being good at things in general, but it's extra frustrating to not be good at things that feel so vital and so unoutsourceable. Do you have any words of wisdom?
I love my partner with all my heart, and he has been a godsend throughout this whole bullshit quarantimes. But we live in a goddamned studio apartment, and I swear to motherfucking christ if he farts
ONE
MORE
TIME
I don't know what I'll do but I'm pretty sure it'll be some sort of spree.
I'm working a full time job from home, and so is my husband. Our son is in first grade and we're trying to do remote learning. It sucks. He can't really read yet, and it's also incredibly distracting and chaotic. His poor teacher is doing her best, but it's 25 6-year-olds on a Webex call. He ends up unfocused, we get frustrated about it. We're constantly being interrupted and we get frustrated about that. He ends up in tears at least once a day during "school" and so do I. We're all intense people. My job is high pressure, I'm managing people remotely and have a new boss. I'm so stressed and tired so much of the time. I sometimes feel like a raw nerve, and if my kiddo asks me for my attention ONE MORE TIME I'm going to lose it. And then I feel like a raging asshole. And, as a corollary, like I'm failing at my job and failing at parenting.
I have PTSD and I am afraid of men. I struggle with longing, like fucking yearning for love but at the same time being repulsed by the thought of it. I'm trying to make myself bisexual. I'm trying to crawl into myself and like marinate my innards with some kind of love (like self love or loving the child in me that wasn't loved). I'm trying to think of sex as something that doesn't need to happen but it feels false because it does. Also, even if I came to trust men again, doesn't the world require me to still fear them, if a bit lesser than I'm doing right now? I have to learn to fear men the right amount. I should love and fear men to be in the world, again.
I’m turning 31 on Wednesday. I have weird birthday melancholy. September is already a weird month. August feels like the Sunday of the calendar year to me and September is the Monday. Nothings wrong. I’m just sad and I don’t know why.
Hi Heather. Going to join your vulnerability striptease and out myself as the LW for “want to stay”. I stayed. He got therapy. It’s been two months. When he was in the shower I had a strong urge to check his phone and I found lots of evidence of cheating. I packed up and left silently and will not ever be returning. We had a birthday trip coming up for me tomorrow. It was in my name so I cancelled. All that to say, I don’t regret a fucking thing. I told convention to go to hell and did my own thing and it felt really freaking good. And better yet, I followed my heart and the path it was nudging me towards. I can’t explain why that path was chosen for me by my heart but it was right for me, even though that same heart is in a whole lot of pain right now and mourning the loss of a carefully planned future. That said, I’m really loving the idea of not carefully planned futures nowadays so I’ll roll with that.🥰
Hi Heather/Pollu: I've got the classic case of being trapped in a "chill" relationship with a dude. He hasn't DONE anything to make me increasingly angry, aside from the fact that he, well, hasn't done anything. We've been existing in this horrible limbo and the results of me texting him that I felt like we weren't getting anywhere was him saying "he's not in a place for a relationship but I've become one of his favorite people." And of course I went along with it and here we are, months later, still absolutely no where. I can't even say that I want a monogamous relationship with him bc I feel like he hasn't been vulnerable with me and I don't even really know him, but I know I feel like its getting increasingly painful to not know where we stand. How do I bring this up to him in a way where he doesn't feel like he's getting attacked (especially since I haven't voiced much concern as of yet)?
When I was dating my ex, he once said (in a joking, self-loathing way), "you should date [my friend], you're both so hilarious in a way that I'm not." Welp. We're broken up now (which has been very tough) and his friend and I have been texting nonstop for months. Friend has been super respectful, checking in with my ex frequently to ask if it's okay to talk with me and I've done the same, as we are now all very close with one another. Ex-bf told me I'm more than welcome to date his friend (which hurt, tbh).
This guy is insanely funny and I somehow NEVER tire of talking to him. He also brings out the funniest side of me and is a super sweet, smart, kind person. I asked my ex-bf if he thought friend liked me and he told me that he'd asked him already and he said: "Don't worry, I have a strict rule that I'd never date someone a close friend loved."
I think that rule could be overcome *but* I find it so hard to become attracted to this guy. When we hang out, the three of us, I feel nothing and just find myself pining for my ex. But it's the same even when we're 1-1. He is perfectly normal looking, I just...?? When we're texting though, it's a different story, and I want him. In any normal situation, I would orchestrate a hook up to calibrate but 1) covid and 2) once we cross into that territory, it feels like there's no going back.
We've become so close though that I'm considering literally moving somewhere with this guy for a month to work remotely and get away from the Norcal fires.
What does it mean if attraction fades in person?
I am a 27 year old woman who has never had her first kiss or any romantic encounters. In 2019, I felt like maybe something with a new crush could work out. I asked him to hang out one on one and he said yes (but it wasn't a date....just 2 friends talking) and I felt like I could progress things. I felt like maybe I could get my first kiss at 26. But then my bday happened and then the pandemic happened. And now it feels like I can't get my first kiss at 27 or 28 with how long things are going. It feels like I can't get past this developmental milestone ever! I grew up religious so I was always a late bloomer and I do have some shame attached to romantic things. People get arranged married in my religion, and dating is not allowed. I don't want to get an arranged marriage but so many of my friends are. It feels like the most logical thing to do. I clearly am not good at finding anyone for myself (and I feel desperate at times). When you are pathetic, socially anxious, (possibly ugly), arranged marriage seems to be the right choice. But for some reason I want romance! I sometimes think if I can have ONE....just one...romantic kiss or date, I could finally say I experienced it and maybe say yes to an arranged marriage. I care too much about the magic of romance.
I just quit my job (in order to spend more time with my child, I had incredible working hours) - it was definitely the right decision but everyday I wake up with so much anxiety now that I can barely breathe. It's not so much financial anxiety, it's more reading 250 job descriptions every day and not wanting or feeling able to do even one of them. A feeling of not fitting/beonging in this world. I feel like a giant question mark and it's driving me insane: when people (kindly) try to ask me where I can see myseld or what I'd like to do in the future I just go blank and can't think of anything. I'm 35 for fuck sake. I should have figured this out a long time ago. It's driving me nuts, waking up everyday, asking myself: so what do we do NOW?
ALSO: WHO THE FUCK QUITS HIS JOB IN A FUCKING PANDEMIC??????
Sorry for everything, blah. Also my bad English.
Okay thanks so much for this space. Incredibly grateful to know I’m not alone here with so many of the emotions. A couple weeks ago, I told my mom flat out that I felt like a loser.
My question is... does anyone else get really angry when your parents give you advice, even if it’s relatively good advice? I’ve been looking for a job for a while now, since I graduated in December. And my dad saw an opportunity at the company he works for opening up and is pretty insistent on me pursuing it. I’ve also been interviewing for a job that I’m interested in, but when I told my parents about it they were concerned about it not paying enough. Both situations had in them reasonable things for me to consider, but I feel like, EXTREME rage toward any suggestion from them, like I want to do the opposite just for them suggesting something I should do with my life. I’m wondering if this is tied to being the youngest in my family? And maybe just shame for feeling like I haven’t gotten to take care of myself fully yet? Also, I think I’m not sure if I always trust their intentions. For some reason I’m always thinking “you want to control me!!” The emotions are truly visceral, I have to try my best to get away gracefully from the convo before I start yelling at them sometimes.
Hey heather/polly! I’m not feeling like asking for help but I want you to know that your advice has helped me grow into an adult who knows what is hers and what she needs to ask for, even when she won’t get it, so she’ll know for sure to leave. I call you and a couple other people my stranger mentors and when you move on to writing something else I will just use your old columns to remind my of the stuff I need to hear. xoxoxo, Laura
"Things feel pretty fucked," illustrated by that painting, is making me laugh in spite of things.
People are just terrifying. I can't ask anyone for anything without feeling excrutiating shame, i have good friends (somehow) but give whatever they want from me and never ask for anything back. Naturally, the people closest to me just ask me for a lot because its either that or we have no meaningful relationship. I struggle to meet new people because it feels like i have nothing to say. I think I'm a good person with value and i see that most of the time when i'm on my own but put me with a bunch of people and it's like i don't exist.
Just returned from neurologist appt. I’ve had a bad headache that started in an instant-like a pop went off in my head-during an intense and emotional argument with my husband 2 weeks ago. Living with this pain all day long for 14 days has been debilitating. Good news Doc doesn’t think it’s life threatening but ordered an MRI for peace of mind. Bad news is he suspects I’m depressed, stressed and feeling lost. Hmmm pandemic, Trump, menopause, last of my 4 children to graduate, pay cuts due to pandemic, money tight, college decisions...why would doc think depression? What do you recommend so I can chill the fuck out? Besides the monumental fight from 2 weeks ago, I’ve got a pretty great relationship with my husband of 28 years, great, kind kids and a roof over my head and food in the fridge. Jesus. I sound pathetic. Maybe I just answered my own question. Thanks for all you do. I love everything you write and how you think.
I've been struggling to let go of a man I fell in love with 15 years ago (!!). I knew when I met him he'd be bad for me (charismatic, famous, avoidant, unavailable), but the connection was undeniable. I justified continuing to see him by the constraints of my own life: single mom to a teenage son, living in a town where I'd already worked my way through the short list of potential matches, the fun / thrill of dating someone who lived in (and took me to) sexier places. It helped that my family liked him: he was a lot like my dad — the charismatic alpha male thing. I see now that I was doing the same 'Look at me!' tap dance I'd done growing up, and while I've been determined to stop it, the need to be seen, to find my value in being the adoring mirror to a powerful man, still pulls me in. It's such a quick fix. I know I need to look elsewhere — to look for a quiet, undramatic love with a man in Dockers — but I can't bring myself to do so. How can I stop the shame cycle? Do I block Mr. Flame? That seems silly; we don't even talk much anymore. So why is my first thought every morning, 'Why doesn't he love me?' And why do I loathe myself because of that thought.
Signed,
A Moth Who Loves Too Much
Dear Patron Saint Polly,
I love reading your advise so much, thanks for lending us your time and thoughts. You got me through one of my toughest breakups.
I'm struggling with a relationship where I've caught feelings for somebody who came on strong and sweet, but has started to dwindle. He's giving me some mixed signals (like saying he doesn't want a girlfriend right now but could see a relationship in the future). My anxiety isn't letting me walk away because my hope is too strong and I'm tunnel visioned into my feelings for this guy. Also, I just found out my dad is dying and all I want is the support of a partner, and I feel ashamed for craving that.
What would you do?
Yours truly,
A big fan
Oh lord, maybe it should be comforting to see how Not Alone I am in this pain, but my heart is just continually breaking for myself and everyone else going through it right now. I'm 22 and just graduated from a shitty, directionless undergraduate program (which I'm 200k in the hole for), completed an incredibly intense coding bootcamp that pushed me to a breaking point with my mental and physical health (coding doesn't SEEM like it should be super physically strenuous, but my sciatica and carpal tunnel beg to differ), had a painful breakup with my best friend/roommate of 2 years, moved back into my mom's house until I get a job (god knows when)... and this amazing man, I'll call him K, supported me through this all. We met early 2019, de facto moved in together later 2019 (as one does with NYC rents) and "officially" moved in together in January. We had our fair share of relationship hurdles but our communication, vulnerability, and genuine desire for each other and for our relationship to work buoyed us through over a year of living together. Unfortunately, spending 20+ hours/day less than 2 feet away from each other as we both worked from home led to a breaking point... or did it? I've always been very queer and 80% women-leaning in my desired partner, and at some point in the relationship that became a huge problem... or did it? I'm having so much trouble parsing through everything I'm going through right now and that makes me sad. He felt/feels like family to me, and my brain keeps whispering "you need him you need him you need him" but something else inside of me is saying "no, you don't." I guess what I'm asking is, after reading many of your columns that advise people to stick things out, open their harts to their partners, see how things go... what does it mean that I just don't want to? I don't want to parse through this ambiguity anymore. I don't want to have to prioritize him like I have for the past year, like I would want to in a Real Adult Relationship. I don't want to see a future with him, I don't want to settle down at age 22, I don't want to give in to inertia. How can I know where the line lies between sabotaging my life by not giving something beautiful a fair chance to flourish and heeding my gut feelings, though they are murky and contradictory to the point that I feel like an unreliable narrator of my own life?
I've been struggling with mourning my mother, who passed at the beginning of quarantine (not covid, just cardiac arrest) a few states away from me--I'd just started quarantining in NY with my girlfriend of a few months, who I'd been long distance with for most of the relationship, and she was incredible considering she hasn't lost a parent and that we'd had lots of issues while we'd been apart (mostly due to my fears around infidelity, I'd been cheated on in my last relationship). I was so inconsolable about not being able to see my mom off and about being an orphan now, and I wasn't always the nicest to my gf but we pulled through, of course not before a few fights that got me to snap out of my weird state of anger over what had happened. She stayed at mine for a few months and is now back at hers, and we're about to move in together next month when her lease is up, but I still feel depressed about the pandemic / my loss and I'm really afraid that I'm a drain on her--she's an optimist and she clearly cares for me still and says she's excited to move in together but I hate the idea that she's tired of me or finds how down I've been predictable, it scares me so much that she might think I'm permanently unlucky or broken.
I had a gut wrenching soul shaking friend breakup well over a year ago, and I still think and miss her every day. I often find myself imagining the motions of my life as if she was there, and aching for an alternate reality in which she is. My life is great! Good things are happening I just... cannot stop missing her, and mourning the loss of a person I still work with and interact with on a daily basis feels impossible. My therapist insists that grief takes time, but the practical part of me wonders if there is something so key or hack I can do to miss her less.
I finally moved to a new city but how the hell do you make connections in a pandemic as an early 30 something as deep winter is approaching??
Okay, so: I grew up in a religious cult, though I didn't realize it until I was in my twenties. I'm also gay and it's a pretty anti-gay cult. It wrecked my self-esteem and it took me a long time to learn how to love myself and to not be ashamed of who I love. I'm actually doing pretty good in that area now. I got my first boyfriend a few months ago and we're doing wonderfully. I no longer believe the propaganda and have developed an extensive, supportive group of friends and interests outside of my "friends" and family within the cult.
My actual problem really comes down to work. Growing up in the cult destroyed my career trajectory before it ever started. The cult discourages college and higher education, but my dad at least wanted me to go to community college. I didn't; I was too depressed at the time and couldn't handle it, and couldn't even begin to fathom what kind of job I would want. I spent the summer after graduating high school loafing around the house until a friend of a friend opening his first fast food joint just gave me a job for him. Fast forward to my early thirties and I still work for the guy, running his office behind the scenes. It's a great job in the sense that it's a stable nine-to-five that's let me pursue my hobbies and has plenty of downtime. It's a terrible job in the sense that I'm paid pitifully and still have to live with my (cult member) parents because i can't afford to live on my own; at this pay, even if I had several roommates all my money would go towards basic necessities with nothing left over.
My family doesn't know that I'm gay nor that I no longer believe, and I have to pretend around them. If they find out I will be kicked out and shunned; I've accepted that the shunning will happen, it's heavily ingrained into the cult, and I can't live a lie or in hiding anymore, but I need to move out before that can fully happen, and I need a better job to do that. But I just feel so lost and aimless when it comes to jobs. Back when I was more self-loathing I tried to get other jobs outside the fast food joint but I'd self sabotage because I felt like I didn't deserve them. I was so ashamed of my resume once that I threw it away right before an interview despite knowing I'd never get the job without once. I know I'm capable of a lot, especially now, but I've never earned a job on my own merit. I've had many job interviews but never passed one.
Last summer I started looking for other jobs in the office/administrative assistant field, but got sidetracked because my current boss offered me some promotions that I thought might be better. They haven't worked out the way I'd hoped, and I really just don't want to work for this guy anymore. Now I'm searching for a job in a pandemic and a depression, yay. I know I can slug through this, but I hate it. Hate hate HATE it. I hate working. I've been furloughed since March, and when I was getting the extra $600 unemployment it was one of the best times of my life. I paid off all my debts, started writing more, caught up on my television, video games, and reading...I realized that if I never ever had a job again but still had money, I'd be perfectly content for the rest of my life. And that scares me because I don't have that drive to pursue a job or career, but I NEED to to escape this life I'm in. I should've gone back to school, and maybe I will some day, but I STILL have no idea what I'd even do, and now I can't stay in this house another two to four years to get a degree; I need to leave before then. I'm scared because job searching in every aspect is foreign and intimidating to me. I'm scared that I'm not cut out to work and I don't know what that even means for me. I'm scared by the fact that I've been willing for so long to pretend to be in a cult and sneak off to see boys/my boyfriend for free rent and a comfortable place to live rather than leave and be thrust into an unstable, uncertain situation. I don't like what any of this says about me. Outside of work situations I have a fun and satisfying life and I guess I'm terrified that any work I'll be able to take to get me out of my parents house will ruin that life, defeating the whole purpose of me leaving. Except the purpose of me leaving is to be free and be able to forge my own life. I want to take this final step to leave and start anew but I'm worried I may be self-sabotaging again. I'm sorry that's so much, Polly, and such a weird situation. Thoughts?
I'm in day 9 of solo isolation after testing positive for Covid-19. Testing positive was a complete shock; my boyfriend and I only got tested because his parents were coming out of state to visit. For months, I've been the one pleading with my family to take this seriously, and I thought I was being so careful, but despite everything I got caught up in the most recent wave in the Southern state I'm living in. Somehow, my boyfriend tested negative twice, so we're isolating separately, which sucks. Basically I'm really struggling - with loneliness, with the fear that I'll develop some horrible heart condition despite being relatively very lucky with a mild case so far, with anger at my family for seeing my positive test as proof that there's no way to prevent getting this disease. All of my friends have been asking me to focus on the positive and keep assuring me that I'll "be completely fine," which feels like they're dismissing my (I think legitimate) fear. I keep googling "what to do if you have Covid-19"/"how to cope with having Covid-19" and hoping that there will be some information on how to deal with the anxiety that comes with having the thing that's crippling the world right now, but understandably, all that comes up is "Call 911 if you can't breathe." Also, I asked my doctor when I should go to the emergency room, and she said "if you can't breathe or you feel like you're having a heart attack or you're so confused that you don't know where you are." IN WHAT WORLD would I, someone in state-imposed isolation, be in a position to call 911 if I don't even know where I am??? I guess I'm just looking for advice on navigating the intense and complicated emotions that I imagine lots of other Covid-positive people must have dealt with. How do we take care of our souls while our bodies fight this invisible monster?
My best friend and I both survived spectacularly dangerous and shitty childhoods. Now, we live half a country apart, and she's in an abusive marriage with two small children. We're both highly intuitive people, and we have this link - earlier, I felt doom and terror descend out of nowhere, and she texted me shortly after to tell me that she's trapped in a vacation him with him and his family, he is following her around and threatening her, and his family seems to know what's going on, but won't intervene, and pretend it's not happening.
I know there's not much more to do than I have done. I worked professionally in domestic violence for years, so I understand the nuances and dynamics, and she's doing everything she can safely do. She is working toward an income level that would allow her to leave. But it hurts. And it's hard, and so, so painful. And I am mindful too of my own tendency to go along for the ride of other people's feelings - how I grew up thinking it was required of me to feel what other people feel in order to help them. It's a challenge to the system, and I think even being able to name it out loud here is helpful in re-grounding. It's a lot of intense practice in being my own parent, and being able to love and support from a healthy space.
I've never craved something more than the feeling of being seen. Why are we like this? And what is supposed to be done if we constantly put ourselves out there but don't find people who see us? When we all eventually enter the new world, post-corona, I'm intimidated to get back out there and look it all in the face. Finding love ain't easy.
I’m struggling with my first job out of undergrad.... I’d always wanted to be a writer, worked at a newspaper in high school, wrote a novel for my college thesis, but was always told that it wasn’t realistic. I got a “great”, high-paying job that I am extremely grateful for, but I am miserable. I’ve worked ~80 hour weeks every week for about the last year now, and I feel like a shell of myself. I can’t even write on weekends, because I’m so tired, and then I feel shame for not writing, and feel like it proves that I couldn’t be a writer anyway. I’m so scared that I’ll never find professional happiness. I feel like a fraud, both at my job, and in thinking I could ever be anything more.
I recently got hired for what seemed like a dream job, only to find out that the position is only available because there's been nearly constant conflict within the organization since the start of the pandemic, largely over the issue of how to approach "diversity". In title, this is the best job I've ever had, and holding on to this job for a while would probably be excellent for my career. And maybe things will improve and I just need to give it time. But right now, the work feels like being stuck in some perpetual thinly veiled racist Facebook comment thread where everyone is arguing and no one is listening. I want to stick it out longer than the week I've already been doing this, but I can already feel my mental health failing—I'm spending hours ruminating over all the stupid emails.
Sending "ugh, I know, this all sucks" support to the Polly/Molly community 💜 Invisibility and scarcity have always felt like blisters on neighboring toes that get squished together and inflame each other—and this year has been especially painful. Would Polly tell me to get rid of the fucking shoes and go barefoot?
Hey Polly, your articles are extremely comforting for me, especially this year - during this pandemic I've been having periods of feeling intensely worthless and believing if I'm not serving others or progressing in some way, I no longer deserve to be here. I'm not stuck exactly, I'm doing some really great things with my life... but I'm 25 and I've never really dated, and my family and friends feel further and further away from me emotionally these days... I'm not sure where these feelings come from, but I feel deeply sad all the time. The world feels like an increasingly scary place for me. Thank you Polly, you're great <3 x
Hey Polly,
Thanks for opening this up. I know lots of people are struggling right now and lockdown is throwing difficult relationships into stark relief. I have a difficult relationship with my dad.
He was distant and angry during my childhood, then he had a breakdown when I was 11/12, my parents separated, he got into drink and drugs and eventually went to prison, and there was a restraining order against him for me and my mum. He was then diagnosed with PTSD due to his experiences in the army before I was born.
We've had an on and off relationship, but I find him scary and unpredictable. I sense that my family think I'm being unsympathetic by not having him in my life. Sometimes we exchange emails, I feel like I don't really know him. I'm scared of regretting not getting to know him before he dies. This causes me a lot of dread and worry.
Thanks for reading.
Marie
Ok. Well I am struggling with trying to be all-in and embrace a new relationship. Its been a couple of months, and all is great, but since my divorce a few years ago I feel like keeping this new person at arms distance somewhat. Part of me just wants to fast forward to the part where one of us rejects the other. It feels like I am in a scary limbo, but I am also in love I think. I don't know if it's intuition (that somethings not quite right) or fear (of commitment??) that keeps me from enjoying all of this wholeheartedly. Any thoughts?
I don't know if it's ok to still comment - because technically the day of your post is over - but I wanted to add to the support others are showering as well. I look forward to your words each week - Molly, Polly, Heather - all three. They speak to me in a fluid and poetically visceral way that is so healing, nourishing, educating, affirming and wonderfully spellbinding - each in turn and sometimes all at once - even when they speak of painful times or feelings or struggles. Thank you for sharing them, for sharing yourself, for sharing this beautiful and unique only to you combo of bravery, dedication, care, vulnerability, insightfulness and inspiring, messy fuck-all. With a whole lot of the purest pursuit of determined truth thrown in. You don't know it, but your words have helped me through much. They continue to do so.
Dear Polly aka HH, thank you thank you thank you for existing and for writing these amazing columns, seriously. Your columns have been my mental health lifeline, not joking. Your columns have immensely boosted my self confidence in myself, and as a chronic people pleaser, problem solver, "entertainer," and as someone who thinks and feels way too much compared to our generally non-feeling culture, it takes a lot of work on my part to make sure that I don't absorb other peoples' projections of shame to dictate who I should be or how I should act (or if I am "normal"). So, thank you, and stay safe!
Heather. I think about emailing you like once a week. I hope I haven't missed you. I am in a relationship going on two years, and I can't seem to figure if it's working. Both my partner and I come from childhood trauma (who doesn't?!) and we work with a couple's therapist, but I'm not sure I want to keep working on the relationship. Each time we argue, it's because I'm sharing a need or a boundary of some kind. My boyfriend gets defensive and goes into Vicious Lawyer Mode, even though he's normally kind. I'm not the best communicator of my needs and find the idea of disappointing/hurting people very distressing--my needs tend to come out bluntly and directly. So when he does this nasty lawyer thing, I feel shamed, sick and hurt. In short, he's a mean fighter and he doesn't really seem to listen to me until I cry, or until our therapist 'helps' him see my side of things. It's tiring and I always feel like the only adult int he room. On the one hand, we have a good connection--we love art, and music, and books, nature, etc. We get along when there's no conflict (duh) But on the other hand, he's just now tackling some serious childhood trauma, and I'm not sure how I feel about sticking it out until he....changes?? I feel guilty for wanting to leave because he's just not where I am in terms of self-awareness and growth (though again, he's starting that journey). I don't have a ton of models for healthy relationships, and I just don't know when enough is enough. Thanks for the work you do--it has meant so much to me in my life!!!
I have been wanting specific answers and been dissatisfied by ambiguous reality. When will i get to be requitedly in love (never been)? When will I hug my family, half a world away? Who can I rely on in my city (lots of transition and change here)? Am I trans because I want the world to treat my body differently, even tho I don’t want surgery or any other body? How do I live and prosper while holding so much trauma and fear? I am very grateful that most of the time I manage ok being a process, not a destination. This season I commit to healing me and the world can go burn itself down, which it will.
why do i get so sad and anxious when my boyfriend (of nine months) doesn't contact me for 24 hours? I'm a successful and smart and kind woman in my 30s and i've HAD therapy and i still feel sad about it! and he's so lovely and kind and wonderful otherwise and makes me happy. i wish I could give him space – which I know he needs once in a while, and he's asked for, too – without my fear of abandonment coming up to bite my ass.
I've been with my boyfriend for over four years, and despite living together, moving cities for new, busy careers, and being in our thirties, I find myself uncertain if this is for me. The pandemic has been challenging for our relationship. After a few months of relative peace in our tiny apartment in our pandemic-stricken city, he iced me out for a whole day and then blew up at me. He told me I am too talkative (about my job and in general), too passionate (about my job and other conversation topics), and too combative. I was shocked by his anger. I knew neither of us was thrilled with the challenges of the pandemic, but I'd thought we were doing okay. We have had similar conversations in the past where he told me I was difficult, needed a lot, and needed to manage my stress better for the sake of our relationship and I've never questioned it. But for some reason with this fight, it was like a light bulb went on, and for the first time, his anger seemed unreasonable and this didn't seem like my fault. I told him I am who I am at this point and can adjust behavior, but I can't change core personality traits for him. Nor can I be responsible for his happiness or boundaries - I told him I need him to start telling me what he needs.
Ever since, I feel like I've been reaching for him and just touching air. I've told him I feel like I'm alone on an island, while he focuses on my faults from shore. I told him I want an open floor plan in our relationship, where we can both come and go freely, and communication isn't tense or held back. But he just seems sullen and upset with me for refusing to act like none of this happened. I'm worried he lacks the emotional capacity for true intimacy, and that he isn't that interested in who I really am. Is this pandemic irritation, or something deeper? It feels scary to make any major decisions in such an unusual time.
Hi Heather/Polly, thanks for opening this up! I always read your column and often feel that whatever letter you pick has an odd resonance for whatever is going on in my own life at the time, kind of like a weird horoscope? I can’t tell right now if I’m asking wayyyy too much of myself right now given, euphemistically, “the state of the world” (please scream inside your heart), but I am just stuck in every sense of the word. I’m an artist, I’ve been teaching my [highly competitive performance field] for a long time, but I’ve been trying to get started doing actual performances for the past few years. I know that I have the skills/training/critical integrity (???) to make good work, but whenever I’m in the moment of performance I end up pulling my punches and not getting my vision across. Like I make myself mediocre and I cannot stop doing this.
I could go on at length about my tragic backstory and why I’m Like This, but I can’t tell if it even matters anymore. Like hanging onto the story of Why is part of the problem, right? But anyway, it’s causing big problems, I’m not able to pull out of myself the stuff I want to make and do; I’m oddly passive in friendships and relationships, I’m just generally powered down, living life in deferment. It doesn’t help that the pandemic canceled all the opportunities I had lined up for the year— like, there’s actual deferment that’s beyond my control, but it’s more deep-seated than the vicissitudes of 2020 current events.
It just feels flat, like I’m functional on a day to day level, but lnot all the cylinders are firing. My partner says it seems like I’m “not all there,” which is kind of a terrible thing to say, but also kind of true??? When I’ve spoken about it with my, um, mental health professionals, they just respond like “stability” is the holy grail of neurochemistry, and life, and that I shouldn’t be aspiring to more than that.
I know so many people have it so much worse and I’m truly lucky to still have a job, a job that doesn’t suck, no need to balance parenting and work, etc. But I can’t break out of this holding pattern, and the larger pandemic holding pattern just makes everything worse.
I’m six weeks away from giving birth to my first child, and I’m really anxious about it. What if something bad happens? What if, after all this waiting, she dies during delivery?
I want so badly to trust that everything will work out, but I know that things don’t always work out. Three years ago, my husband suddenly died from a hidden heart condition. Now I’m in a wonderful new relationship with a little one on the way, but the world feels just as rocky and shaky and scary for me as it did in 2017. It’s hard to feel hopeful and have faith that everything will be OK. How do I shake this?
I'm 37, single and have no idea how to change that. I'm the type of person who easily makes friends, can keep a conversation and is welcome in a company, but barely anyone ever likes me romantically. I don't even get messages on Tinder. I get matches, I write, get a few answers and the conversation tappers out after a few sentences. Or, if I meet someone interesting, they declare me a close friend. Never a lover. I'm not even bad looking! Am I intimidating? Too assertive? Not anyones type? Unlucky? Shit, right now I'm mostly annoyed. No idea how to go about solving this.
Do I drop everything I have going on here in the US (not much, I’m unemployed and have no family) to go be with the woman I met on tinder who lives in Finland and have been exchanging passionate takes on poetry with while she’s on a break from her gender studies PhD? Or the woman I met on tinder who lives in Sweden and will go backpacking with me every weekend after she’s spent the week saving the world by creating a vibrant community farming infrastructure? Can I somehow have both? And can I make it happen before November?
Hi, I'm currently dying from how much worse my social anxiety has gotten from the pandemic. I'm worried I'm going to become, like, agoraphobic. Help!
Thank you for asking! I'm just about to divorce my second husband, and I'm only 36. I lost my brother 7 years ago, and my first husband walked out on me at just around the same time. Needless to say, I did not deal well with all of it - mostly frozen grief for years, which led me to choose a "safe" second marriage. I woke up out of a fog over 3 years ago, just a mere 8 months into the marriage (we dated for 6 months before getting engaged, I met him just as i slipped into a depressive and medicated grief, coupled with an eating disorder that started right about the same time - as you can tell I was a bag of fun), but mostly I was so GRATEFUL that he was there and that he saw me, and that I could be rescued and not have to deal with all the PAIN I felt. We've been separated for 3 years, I know I don't love him and I never did - I don't want to go back. But I don't know how to make peace with all the series of mishaps for the last 7 years, and the "twice-divorced" tag. My parents and friends are totally supportive - everyone just wants to see me be happy again. I do too.