In this week’s Ask Polly, the letter writer asks, “Why am I so fascinated by other people but I can’t help taking all the interesting things I observe about them and using those things to make myself feel bad? Or, at the very least, to tell a story about how their aesthetic choices or that interesting way they carry themselves or their hobbies indicate that I am not that thing?”
Social media makes comparing yourself to others inescapable. After years of viewing comparison as toxic, I discovered that my reactions to other people online offered a valuable window into my buried interests and desires. Even having a nemesis, which I once considered a self-defeating fixation, can be a way of giving your ambition or your competitive spirit a human face. How have you used comparison and competition with others in healthy and unhealthy ways?
These days I find that I’m most jealous of people who I see as having never struggled for something. One could call it “Frank Grimes syndrome” for Simpsons fans out there. Even though I largely have what I want — a good job, a fiancé I love, great friends — I feel that I’ve had to struggle for it more than others. I had a bad childhood and early divorce that made it hard for me to figure out what I wanted and needed in an actually good partner, and I still struggle with wanting approval and validation from family members and future in-laws in particular. When I see someone who in my imagination at least has never had the thought, “what if I’m unlovable,” I feel envious. Of course I can’t know if they’ve never had that thought, and I try to remind myself of that when this comes up. Even if they haven’t, I believe most people at least have some bad days. I think these feelings motivate me to try little empathy exercises and reflect on the unknowability of others — not super concrete but it helps when I feel stuck.
I have a similar thing where I envy people who waltzed into cool jobs at a young age. I was so disengaged from the world when I was younger and I had so many big problems that it was hard to take my interests seriously, or follow them and study and develop the skills I really cared about. But I guess I've landed in a place where I'm developing some of those interests and skills now, and I've kind of resolved not to see myself as 'behind' even though I often feel like a late bloomer in most things.
I will say that the older you get, the more you realize that most people struggle a lot. Even the people you know who seem to have it easy will wind up on a rough path further along in life. The stuff that people hide from each other when they're young - whew. That stuff really comes out once you get past 35. It sucks that it takes us so long, though. I felt absolutely isolated in my struggles as a twentysomething. I had no idea most of the people I knew were in a similar state of despair and insecurity.
Empathy exercises might've helped. The way other people processed their emotions *looked* so different, that I just assumed that their emotions weren't as strong or frightening as mine.
My therapist would say to me sometimes, "I have clients who have castles and they come in here with problems too." (Castles!) And great point about how the way people process emotions looks different!
This is so interesting. I’m only just learning this now too; that how people present themselves doesn’t reflect what’s going on internally. Also, a lot of people also need to be very robust externally as a coping mechanism. What I find challenging though is when these type As sort of deny their vulnerability so much so it feels gaslighty? Eg ‘I didn’t get anxious at all during Covid’. Then the weight of remembering they are really human becomes too much sometimes... so you get rid of it and start to take them at face value. Then it transpires they really are human. This cycle!
This is really interesting, because I have to confess I find myself on the opposite side with people in my life who have really been through it. I have this one close friend in particular who had a really tough childhood and truly has done everything on her own to make it to where she is today. She is an incredibly hard worker and someone I admire. I did grow up in a family that most definitely had its issues, and went through a pretty bad childhood illness, but I had a childhood where I was cared for and parents who are still together and who supported me financially through college. I went to private schools. I have often really interrogated if I've actually ever worked hard for anything, or if anything truly has been difficult for me, and that is large in part due to my comparison to her and also going to a public university where people from all walks of life come to go to school. And I felt A LOT of shame for a couple years because I didn't know what else to feel about my situation vs hers. And it's not like she made me feel bad about it! I would self deprecate and show general embarrassment for my family being well-off. I would pay for more things for my group of friends because I felt bad and felt like I should. Looking back I laugh, because I was asking the same question you asked which was "what if I'm unlovable?" for the opposite reason? Maybe this person deserves more love and more out of life than me, like I've somehow had too much of it already! As if we have a threshold of being loved! I tried to sabotage the firm ground of care I was standing on (including her friendship!) because I felt shame. So I think maybe the lovability question is universal and a lot of people wonder that from where they stand. And also that I hope you feel seen and honored for what you have been through. I realized that that was probably the best thing I could offer her in our friendship.
This is great. Just want to add that "What if I'm unlovable?" seems pretty universal, based on the letters I get. Many, many people seem to wrangle with this question no matter what their circumstances might be.
I relate to a lot of what you've written here except my family had money when I was a child and now they, um, don't. It was a long, rocky transition for me that's still on-going. I feel humiliated literally daily. I do feel it's given me a lot more empathy than I would've had otherwise though-- but you already seem to have that. That is the vibe I get from people who grew up in tough circumstances-- they don't necessarily want your shame, but rather your empathy and understanding (as much as that's possible across the privilege divide.) You sound like you're doing a good job as her friend.
I agree! For me, it means a lot when a friend from a more privileged background really listens to my experiences and doesn't wave them away. I imagine it can feel uncomfortable to hear about – maybe in part for the shame reasons people are commenting here – but it means a lot when someone is able to sit with you and listen, and ask questions, too.
I relate to this feeling, but often people are like ducks- all calm on the surface and paddling furiously underneath. Don't feel like your success is any less because you "tried" for it. Love yourself for your tenacity, I'm so happy to hear you have found all these wonderful things in your life.
My nemesis is actually someone I've never even met, she might as well be a figment of my imagination. I came to know of her when I was in university dating my first boyfriend, a 30 year old man with a near decade gap. Spoiler alert: he was a terrible human being who made belittling comments at me because he was an insecure loser himself.
This nemesis happens to be his ex-gf whom he had been with for over 5 years. When he dated me, he would make off-hand comments about how she was demanding and crazy, but very pretty. Next to her he referred to me as the "less pretty but nicer one." That was misogynistic and belittling on so many levels, I would have broken up with him on the spot if I hadn't had such low self-esteem back then. I looked her up and found her online, and thought it was eerie how similar our backgrounds were. We both came from strict Asian households that blurred the lines between emotional abuse and filial piety, but whereas I had a falling out with the shitty people in my family and no longer speak to them, she had put up with it all and seemingly came out on the other side having achieved everything an Asian parent could ask for: pretty, agreeable, high-achieving, with a respectable high-paying career. A daughter worth showing off and bragging about. I hated her instantly.
To me she embodied the perfect girl my family always shamed me for not being. In their eyes, I wasn't pretty enough, agreeable enough, or successful enough. And here she was, this perfect embodiment of what they wanted me to be, mocking me.
I wish I had something insightful to say about this situation, but I don't. She infuriates me. I hate that I look her up every once in a while to check how she's doing, I hate that she had a falling out with her shitty family finally, and I hate that she recently had a falling out with her shitty doctor husband too but they're trying to make it work again. I hate that she tries so hard to keep shitty people around in her life. I hate that she's done everything for these shitty people but I know that they will never give back to her. Just like how she lost years of her life and sanity with my shitty older man ex, who was definitely also very belittling and misogynistic to her. I hate that she's my crappy ex's and family's idea of "the perfect girl." And lastly I hate that these shitty people's narrative about her and ultimately, about me, find its way to me somehow and I can't seem to shake it off. I think I'm mad at her for upholding the shitty people's narrative. I think I'm also mad at my family and ex's year(s) of abuse to me, and how it's even more years for me to heal from the psychological trauma and wounds that they inflicted on my self-esteem.
Again, sorry, wish I had something insightful or constructive to say but I don't.
I understand how it feels to hate the fuck out of someone for years. I just want to say that your feelings will change. Just when you think you'll be locked in the same mindset about someone forever, something comes along and softens the picture for you.
It's not easy feeling the way you do. I know that. I just want to say that I used to get very locked up over other people and the things they had and the shit they didn't understand and never would, and now I really don't do that. The only thing that really changed that for me was learning to feel my feelings instead of thinking my way into a dry well. I stopped obsessing about how fucked everyone else was and started to allow room for my own vulnerability. I was humbled by all of the shit that piled onto me, and I resisted it, and then finally, I let it all in. That's happened a few times over, and every time I'm humbled, I come out of it feeling better and also more connected to other people, and also more forgiving of other people's flaws (and my own.)
If that sounds way too Jesus-like, I apologize. God knows I'm anything but that. But I would try to open your mind to the notion that vulnerability and humility, when they force their way into your life and knock you down, are good for you. These things will allow you to finally let go of perfect or even good and accept the unique lovable folds of who you are right now.
Your self-esteem will get healed (paradoxically!) through humility and vulnerability. You let in your emotions and accept them, good and bad, and forgive yourself for them, and slowly, the stuck places start to loosen up.
Anyway, very best wishes to you and thanks for your post. xo
Thanks for this, I'm really happy you replied! It's reassuring to hear from someone that things will get better if you keep feeling your way forward. Very Jesus-like words, but truthful as well. Your words have helped me so much along the way in my healing, thank you for being here and listening.
Apologies if I'm not reading this right but for me obsessions like this are a form of self-harm. Every time I think about that seemingly 'perfect' person I get another chance to flagellate for all of my supposed faults, everything I'm not and will never be, which feels good in a perverse way. Addicting. The only way I've dealt with a malignant obsession is to forgive myself for it, and maybe even give in to it for a little while, until it starts to lose both the sting and serotonin bump associated with it.
Every time I had an "nemesis" in my life with time I came to realize I was just projecting things on other people, and most of the time they didn't spare me a second thought lol.
My teenage nemesis was a very popular girl who kinda picked on me because I was bad at sports, but other than that she just ignored me. I loathed her with the strenght of a thousand suns! She was blonde! She was pretty! She was badass! Oh, the envy. At some point she asked point-blank why I didn't like her and I couldn't answer.
My current nemesis is this heiress to a company I used to work at that just goes through life with that nonchalant way rich people seem to enjoy.
I know usually jealousy says more about the jealous person, yada yada yada, but honestly I feel like there should be an exemption for rich people who were born rich. I'm not going to self-reflect on why I hate an heiress. It's self-explanatory.
People with trust funds, in my personal experience, are often some of the most depressed people alive. I also have a knee-jerk thing about massively wealthy people, but I try to remember what I've seen and how hard it is to be overshadowed by your parents and have infinite choices but no reason to try. It's hard to sell this to anyone as a true hardship, I'll admit! But it's not small. I mean, the necessity of making a living saved me many, many times in life.
I've come to accept that I have class grievances, haha. It's tough interacting with the weird kind of entitlement that accompanies growing up with wealth. But tribalism sucks, so I try to hate the system, not the individual. I just don't date rich boys anymore :)
agree. I don't self reflect on that either. But more recently I do self reflect on hating beautiful people (IRL beautiful people in your social groups, media people don't count) without first really sussing out their character.
I had a lot of other women I envied for being thinner, more creative, and more successful than me, I started interviewing them and realized the difference between us was that they asked for what they wanted and I was afraid to. I started making that shift it really empowered me.
My actual nemesis is my sister, I love her deeply but she is incredibly jealous which is hard because I try to celebrate her in every way I can. She wrote me a letter on my 30th birthday to tell me I was her nemesis too, It's a shame because in my eyes we've had the same chances but she seems to think my life is easier than hers, in my eyes as I said above the difference is that I will dig into things and try to shift that feeling and for her, that's an effort she feels she should not have to make.
Oh Heather! I saw the subject of the thread and thought, "I don't have a nemesis but could I talk about how much I dislike my cousin comparing her life to mine?" I hesitated because in my head it felt like I'd just make myself sound like the good person here, and I'm not. But reading your post about your sister - I feel it so much. I have always looked at my cousin B as my younger sibling and not a peer, so I find it difficult to deal with when I find her comparing our lives, and often not directly to me. Her parents did it to start with, so I understand why she does it too. But it hurts when I try to celebrate her, her successes, show up for her, show her how much she means to me and then sense her bitterness at my joys. When I'm with her and her older sister A, who I love so, so, much, I tread carefully because she gets jealous of our relationship. I try to give them space and genuinely don't mind at all when she makes plans that include A but not me. But if I spend any alone time with A - like even reading a book while she studies in the same room! - there will be snide remarks and later rants and emotional guilting to A about how she feels so left out. I've only realised recently that I'm wary of any three-way relationships and try my best to be the expendable third wheel in such cases rather than be involved in more drama. I also think I don't want to hang out with A and B together anymore even though it's my most favourite thing to do. Can you detach yourself from your sister's jealousy, Heather?
Ha ha. This is Heather - I just liked that, didn't write it! My sister is a surgeon and well, she's not envious of me! But: I am also wary of three-way friendships, possibly from being youngest of three, often triggers paranoid, left-out feelings? Working on that!
Hi< this is Gemma, ( not Heather) but thank you for relating. I have actually moved halfway across the world from my family and rarely see my sister or have much of a relationship with her anymore. We had a huge row last Christmas, where after taking time to get her a very thoughtful and expensive gift and to be kind to her when she'd broken her leg, she snapped at me and we had a huge row. I realised then that it wouldn't matter what I did, she would still find a way to be angry at me. That was oddly liberating, we've not spoken for close to a year but I feel like I've set a boundary and it's up to her to find a way back to me. I really hear you on avoiding 3 person dynamics though- they trigger me like nothing else! Sending you love and courage to keep being the bigger person here.
Thanks Gemma. It sucks that you had this row. Sometimes I think I just want to confront my cousin and explain how I feel to her. But I'm very blunt about how I feel and she's not. Nor is she willing to show me her insecure side - I can see that. I am, like you, coming to realise my actions won't change how she feels. Lots of love to you and hope this year is a more peaceful Christmas!
Thank you so much, you too. It's wonderful you realize that you are more blunt and able to be vulnerable and she's not. Keeping being the bigger person and thanks for your lovely words, they mean a lot to me.
Oh I'm such a dolt. Sorry GL for confusing you with Heather. But I have been wanting to unburden in this community for a while and didn't know how. So thank you for opening up this discussion. And thank you, Heather, for this space and for your writing. Every time I read an Ask Polly column and think oh this person's life sounds so different from mine and then you write things that just mean so much. Every time!
After being close friends for 3+ years, my roommate has turned against me after I calmly explained to him that I didn't feel comfortable having his friend come over to socialize during COVID-19. Had this been his girlfriend or a close family member, I would have allowed it, but this was someone who I didn't know well whose social/health habits my roommate admitted that he was also unfamiliar with. He got upset with me and left to travel the world with his Italian girlfriend for 3 months. None of his friends or his gf's dispositions seemed to change towards me in our virtual exchanges so I assumed my roommate might've gotten over it, but it appears he has not after coming back from traveling and is only friendly towards me in front of our other roommates even though I happily welcomed him back and even offered to help him grab a bite to eat when he initially got back (he refused with a short, curt response). One of the spiteful things that is helping me feel a little better about this is knowing that I continue to remain gainfully employed while my roommate has been unemployed for over a year and has had no luck finding work. It's an absolutely unhealthy way to feel, but it makes me feel like I did win this grudge war my roommate continues to wage upon me.
No but I think I am someone's nemesis, despite also being their somewhat close friend. I don't have evidence, just instinct. I feel like my lifestyle, sense of humor, and values, choices strike them as petty, indulgent and lacking real substance, and then when I remind myself I have no real reason to believe that beyond hidden meanings in a few offhand comments/jokes spaced 6 months-1 year, I realize that this may say more about me and how I feel about myself??
But I like myself! I don't feel secretly guilty about my life or choices. Just last night I fell asleep thinking, dang, I have spent my life pursuing my dreams, having all the experiences I craved as a child - going to far flung places and tasting lovely cocktails and connecting with dynamic, interesting people and I were to pass right now at least I'd pass knowing I had lived my life the exact fucking way I wanted. So what gives? Why do I think I'm someone's nemesis unless I am secretly also hate myself and think I lack substance (I don't, I'm brainy) and am frivolous (I am, and am fine with it)?
I think you can feel completely comfortable with your choices and happy with your life and still have a sense that other people disapprove of you. I mean, my first impulse would be to say that your assumption that this person feels this way might be a projection of your fears -- as you point out. But it's also true that when you're having FUN and other people ARE NOT HAVING FUN, guess what? They don't always love it. The fact that our culture associates fun and enjoyment with frivolity and shallowness tells you a lot about how warped our shared understanding of our life priorities can be.
I was on my own case for not being serious and scholarly enough a year ago, and I realized that I've always been the same person: a joke-cracking, social show-off who loved to have fun. I'd tricked myself into believing that because I can also be an introvert or avoidant or allergic to socializing, my true path should somehow conform to the paths of notable intellectuals or writers. Now my attitude is: I'll just do exactly what the fuck I like and stop worrying about what anyone thinks of it.
Easier said than done, some days. But questioning the odd dichotomies of the culture (introvert vs. extrovert, intellectual vs. superficial, etc) is a start.
But as I said, it's also just COMMON for people to compare and assign value to what you're doing, as a means of elucidating what they want. A big challenge for friendships, really, is that moment where you figure out how to say/feel/accept "You love x, and that's great for you! But I care more about y." The more comfortable you become with your own pursuits and passions and how well you're embracing them, the less haunted you end up feeling about what other people are doing.
THAT SAID: We all crave approval, on and off, for the course of our entire lives. Some things just have to be accepted as part of the texture of the human condition. I'd only say that when you find yourself *compulsively seeking* approval or obsessed with the idea that your friend has made you her nemesis, that's when you want to consider if it's some outcropping of an anxious attachment style that sends you back to an empty well over and over again, looking for water, because that's what you did as a kid.
OKAY so much here, so much more to say. Thanks for posting!
Thank you for writing back. My friend is more of a serious, scholarly person outwardly and in practice, she writes, she reads. I do those things too, but I also get my hair and nails done and post about that, I love makeup, I love cocktails, I love my pre-covid weekend trips to tropical islands. I can go toe to toe with her intellectually, but thats not where I "live" in my conversations with others. I am not soft and sweet and sincere. I got edge and wit. and like you I am also sometimes on my case for not being more seriously and scholarly, just last week I said out loud to my partner "I think I am wasting my potential" after a binge watch of a medical drama. It was a short lived criticism. In my youth, I put in an application to med school. I was serious about being a feminist healthcare provider. I had the grades. Now instead, I have a glam job with a fat paycheck, which is what I really wanted tbh. I am sooo much happier that I chose this, and I produce work around my values in different ways.
You've helped me realize: I think my key issue here is that I don't feel celebrated or respected for my choices or for my ability to articulate the real shit when it matters, I feel judged for choosing fun more often than choosing unsexy, scholarly, leftist approaches.
But also maybe at play here is that I know I am fucking cool and I think that cool people are easily derided by serious, decided not shallow people, and it all feels a bit unfair just bc I chose a different way.
I used to get incredibly irritated when I read certain writers and saw them get heaps of praise for whatever they'd written, and think to myself "I could've written that." I recognized that their work was objectively good, but thought for some reason that it wasn't good *enough* to warrant the level of attention it received, even though I liked it too (and sometimes even left comments of my own). Unsurprisingly, I was barely doing any writing of my own at the time. It's so much easier for me to enjoy other people's work when I'm consistently writing things that I feel good about.
For a long time I needed nemeses to motivate myself. Then I realized that, for me at least, having a nemesis was just another way of using "the stick" (as opposed to "the carrot"). It's never, ever healthy for me when I use the stick. If I'm not being kind to myself, my inner-child/hind-brain rebels and nothing gets done.
Yes, I have to be verrrrrry nice to myself in order to remain productive. I guess I've moved from a nemesis mindset to an "allow yourself to be inspired by these ambitious individuals you once found distasteful." It works at the level of "See what he's doing? Are you envious of that? Do you want to think that way more? Is there room for a little of that in your life? Does it look fun?" Less about the person and more about those choices that seem like they're just utterly different than mine but maybe... it's fun to live that way?
I'm sort of into noticing things that make me feel threatened or insecure, though. Used to be afraid, but now that my overall self-talk is just extremely (dangerously? ha) positive, I'm fascinated when those old feelings show up out of the blue. Like WOW THIS? WHAT IS IT THAT'S TRIGGERING THIS?
Curiosity can be a way to turn the stick into... a telescope, observing distant worlds? I dunno. Just a thought! Thanks for posting regardless.
I have struggled with comparing myself with someone for about 6 years now. It started when I was dating someone who openly told me he liked her, and talked about beautiful and smart she was. The thing is, he wasn't wrong, but I have felt paralyzed in comparison with her ever since that experience. To make it more confusing, I had romantic feelings for her too. But loving her always felt like hating myself. I've wanted to be rid of these feelings for a long time, but even now 6 years later, it hurts to talk to her, which hurts on many levels because I can't help but feel bad about myself around her. She has always been so supportive of me, but also I think doesn't realize the pain I go through regarding that. I have worked to carve out a space for loving myself and my talents in the world, but I still struggle.
My nemesis has no idea that they're my nemesis. Probably because their nemeninity (not a word, but should be) has little to do with their actual person, but with the way my inner critic uses their voice and face to tell me how my work sucks. I am totally aware that the real person and the nemesis!person are not the same thing. I am, really. But damn if it's not hard to remember sometimes. Especially now.
I had one person who was def. a YOUNG PRETTY SUPER-INTELLIGENT BLUDGEON with which I like to bust my ego to pieces. I've moved slowly into a place of "I am not as everything as this person, but I am certainly uh unique and, on good days, brave." Not exactly a triumphant mantra, but I've started to at least enjoy just being big weird loud chumpy ME a lot.
I also find that instead of focusing on ppl who seem BETTER (an old bad habit) I now focus on people I really love and want to succeed. It's like a movement from hero / nemesis worship/envy to a kind of PEER LOVE. Feels more connected and positive and less destructive, like "we're all pretty good at this, let's keep it up!" (This is mostly inside my imagination, but in some cases I've befriended the people in question.)
Anyway, all creative humans are insecure at some level. There are just days when you don't know what the fuck you are or what you're doing. Inescapable, inevitable, interminable! Good to just accept it and also to try very hard to use your huge imagination to celebrate your own weird skills and talents.
But yeah, confusing the real person with the nemesis is dangerous. You can be great at stuff and still be a wreck. So many successful people are so avoidant that they can't feel their success. Giving the person the benefit of the doubt is key, as you suggest.
This has made me start thinking. I hate people who are very driven type A careerists. Typically I assign bad motives to them-- they're just after money or power, etc. Probably had nothing to do with my own career (which is going nowhere) and the success I've enjoyed (little to none). Right? hahaha
I used to hate careerists, too, because I always had trouble locating my ambition. Pursuing success or money for their own sake seemed flat and uninteresting to me. Something shifted about a decade ago when I started to try to imagine a career that I loved instead of just tolerated. I was a TV critic at the time and felt very lucky to have that job, but I didn't love it enough. Shifting to advice changed everything, because I enjoyed it so much. In the past few years, I've also started to associate careerism and ambitious people with *fun*: they tend to be people who say "You know what would be cool/ interesting / fun?" and then make that thing happen without fear.
Obviously there are countless variations on that theme, and many flavors of careerism are just ego-driven, greedy, or flatly boring. But noticing the things you envy -- a lack of fear, an ability to dive into the real world and do things -- is the first step to decoding how you want to live. It's also very very hard to be successful at a thing you don't like. You just can't put your energy into it. I'm not saying we all have to be madly in love with our jobs. But slowly aiming to do more of the stuff you enjoy and less of the stuff you don't is a good goal.
Thank you for this answer. I keep pressuring myself to choose 'safe,' reliable jobs like I've had in the past - jobs that have frustrated me to tears and in the end weren't even all that reliable! Especially these days. I am terrible at anything I'm not interested in. ADHD trait. I don't know what I want to do, but now I know what I don't want to do. Thank you Polly <3
Those people often feel they have something to prove. I never thought I was ambitious or competitive until a close friend called me out but then I realized I just had a need to be seen and prove my worth because I felt lacking. I don't know if that will help you but I hope it does.
So many of my male and female, but especially female, friends have insinuated that i'm ugly or called me ugly outright. i have a few nemesis that come to mind, in particular. i don't want to know people anymore because i don't want to be hurt in that way again. how can these relentlessly abusive experiences possibly be a good thing, Polly?
Whew, that's fucked up! I'm so sorry that you've been through that! It does not sound like a good thing. Are you saying they said this stuff and then they became your nemeses? Anyway, I'm very sorry. Sometimes I try to go straight to the center of someone else's insult and live there until I'm fine with their shitty view of me. Other times, I just sit with the hurt and feel it and make myself vulnerable to it, in order to process it. What you don't want is to stay in that hurt place forever because you're almost *resisting* going there. Processing the pain and letting it make you FULLY sad sometimes flushes it out, and then you land in a place of: "that hurt like hell" but also "i am who i am and i like myself. people who talk shit do not like themselves at all. I'm going to try to cultivate compassion for my enemies."
It may be that none of that helps at all, of course, in which case I just want to say again: I'm sorry and you don't deserve that at all. Sending you love. xo
Thanks for your reply Heather! And yeah, I'm usually very fond of my friends until they say something like this and then it turns to full hatred for them. I think maybe a handful of times with 1 or 2 people might have felt more survivable, but i just feel like i keep hearing this sentiment of 'not good enough' or 'not pretty' or 'less prettier than _ ' over and over again in SO many different ways by just a large and diverse group of people throughout the years that now, i'm just so weak to it. i just wish i was pretty so people would stop bothering me
Oh no!! Sorry to hear this. I’ve had friends who have said things like ‘if only you wore make up you’d be pretty’. Lots of things along those lines. Years later I brought it up w said friend. She didn’t remember and said she probably meant it in a positive way sigh... If I could do something differently, I would 1) call them out on it. 2) Try to have a ritual where I remind myself how lovely and amazing I am. Whatever the opinions of some others.
Because this stuff does chip away at ones self esteem. 1) Calling friends out is hard because sometimes it’s so subtle. Grown women can really gang up on one another!
I have a lot of irrational anger towards female writers sometimes. First it was Elizabeth Gilbert, recently Glennon Doyle. I belittled their writing as “white girl problems”. In spending some time with my own writing, I found this is because I envy that they have given themselves permission to speak freely about their lives.
Totally get it. I go through phases where certain writers and gurus annoy the living shit out of me. Sometimes I think I'm just trying to refine my idea of what's worth doing in my own career, and other times I'm probably trying to figure out how to avoid a kind of abstract, upbeat self-help writing that feels too unchained from the dirt of reality to feel valuable to me. But a lot of these urges are me being an envious perfectionist about what I do, and AS YOU CAN SEE WITH THESE BIG MESSY THREADS, part of what I'm about right now is just diving in and having fun and engaging. I don't have to do this shit the way anyone else does it, I can just show up with whatever I have and offer it to people. Will it be good enough? Maybe. Sometimes, probably not. But that's fine.
A big part of this process of showing up with whatever I have has included a realization that I've been valuing control and perfection over fun and connection. Covid has probably pushed me in the direction of looking for more connection and trying to believe in it more, and also pushed me to find more fun in my everyday life, even in strange places like THREADS.
So your point about permission is important. Plenty of writers do stuff I wouldn't personally do, but the answer to that isn't to indulge a paranoid view of ACTION and SHOWING YOURSELF and CONNECTING that leaves no room for fun.
Also, any summary that includes "girl" or "woman" as a means of expressing what's bad about it is RIGHT OUT as far as I'm concerned. As in "Oh no I'm blogging about being a mom, that's a woman thing so it's bad" or "ugh i'm writing about fashion for a girl magazine, I'm not serious enough!" These are just layers of internalized misogyny that tell us that our stories are inherently silly or self-indulgent or beside the point. I reject that.
It takes constant to work to *keep* rejecting that, because it's everywhere. But at some point you have to decide to be who you are and write from what you know, no matter what category someone wants to lump you into. If the writing is good enough? Trust me, you'll forget about the ways that other people might write it off. And if you think "oh no this is just white girl problems" when you read something you wrote, what you're noticing is that the writing doesn't meet your standards yet.
Yes. Thank you for calling me out on the internalizing misogyny!!! I silence myself far too often because of fear that was instilled in me by the men in my life. I wrote this week in my writing class about how I feel muzzled. I didn’t realize until reading your response that that muzzle is so much due misogyny. THANK YOU. I was concise in my post but damn now I’m seeing how deep that issue is. The complexity of joking about “white girl problems” is really deep and layered. Wow this feels freeing. Thanks always! Glad you are here in this space and engaging. We all need it❤️
So glad that helped! I discover new layers of misogyny in myself *all the time.* It sucks and it does make writing hard. I mean, I could barely stand to be known as an advice columnist for a while, because it felt so feminine and trivial to me. Meanwhile, how are big, heavy human problems TRIVIAL, exactly? Nothing could be less trivial. It's all about whether or not you're meeting your own standards of what feels like quality writing, what entertains, what informs, what feels exciting and fresh and alive. If you love something you wrote, that's what matters.*
*caveat: Wait a few days and edit a few times before you hit publish UNLESS YOU'RE SURE. Some pieces require a little time and distance before they're just right. I learned this verrrrry recently, mind you!
Thank you! I love talking to writers about writing! It’s my favorite thing! And ha to the publishing. I realized sometimes I do that because I’m scared if I don’t post I never will. But I’m working on that, too.
I sent my writing teacher a piece from my food blog and then a darker more narrative piece that clearly had my real voice. The difference was stark. She got so mad at me after reading both for even having the blog haha She asked, why have a “canned voice” when your authentic self has the story you need to tell? Working on becoming unmuzzled and peeling the many layers. xo
Okay, as someone who's somehow made a living at this since 1995, I have to tell you that you can have all kinds of voices as a writer, and pegging one as "canned" just because it's more outward-facing or makes $ is a trap. I like writing cheerful, helpful things and I also like crude funny shit and I also love dark, murky weirdness. If we all aimed for the maximally "authentic" part of ourselves, we'd be transcribing our dreams straight onto the page. There's room for many different sides of your personality on the page. I say keep experimenting and doing what you love and don't overthink it. Trust your instincts!
Thank you! Great advice from one of my favorite writers. How lucky am I today. And so true. Sometimes writing nonsense about pie is the thing that makes me want to write that day and escape my own darkness. Love the idea of the different personalities/voices. Molly is a perfect example! Xx
Avoiding reading the "kind of abstract, upbeat self-help writing that feels too unchained from the dirt of reality to feel valuable to me" is the exact reason why I read your column as if my life depended on it
Well I don't love elizabeth gilbert so I initially vibed with you on the former point. A white girl problem is a white girl problem, yes, but that doesn't mean white girlsTM shouldn't speak freely in their own spaces and in their own writing. Plus, writing publicly means you get feedback re literary criticism. Plenty of people have called Elizabeth a white girl problem writer. This is a balance you must strike - understanding ur relative privilege but also understanding what u deserve to do and say about yourself, not letting the shame mix in
When a taken guy had a crush on me at work, I couldn’t help but interpret it as “You are the object; the woman at home is the human being.” People y’all about workplaces crushes as being innocent and common, but I couldn’t help but feel like it trivializes my existence and confirmed my inferiority as a woman. Still not sure how TF to heal this.
I'm sorry you feel this way, in these situations, don't look at his unavailability as a reflection on your worth. You have the power here, you just need to shift and see it. Take the crush as a compliment and bank that desire in you as an investment for future dating. I know how you feel and have felt that way myself but shifting and deciding what determines your value will help you move forward. Sending you love and wishing love for you.
It sounds corny but energy goes where attention flows, focus on putting energy into yourself. Do what you can to feel good about yourself, workout, eat well. Set a goal and work towards it, those subtle shifts will help dissolve the frustration you feel. I know it feels super annoying to have try more but you are your own most precious thing and I hope you can start to feel that for yourself.
Thanks so much for these kind words. I’ll take them to heart. I keep hitting a wall of terror when things are going well, because when things were going well, that was when I attracted him. I felt great about myself, he felt great about me, and then I fell in love and he sort of did too but not quite enough. I don’t ever want that to happen again.
Lots of great advice from GL here. I would only add that you need to look at your interest in avoidant / unavailable people if you haven't already, and also examine how your thinking around this situation has slowly become obsessive/ a thing that activates your anxious attachment style. Strongly recommend the book Attached! The more you can recognize your destructive intellectual loops and ground yourself in your body and how you feel and what you love *in your own life*, and *in reality*, the better you're going to feel. xo
Oh god, I know this feeling only too well. The fear of the other shoe being about to drop! You have to remind yourself that none of it is constant and allow your self to enjoy the good, sometimes you get to crest that wave longer than others. Have faith in yourself, you can do this! You can't totally protect your heart, great risk offers great reward so he wasn't the prize you hoped for, don't let this close you off, believe you deserve good things. Build yourself up so you feel safer to take risks, honetsly the investment in self here, is the greatets thing you can offer yourself.
Earlier this year I had this obesession with a singer I know. She is very young, talented, pretty and able to share herself without inhibitions or shame. She also seemed to get all the attention from the *cool music guys* I was secretly crushing on. During the early pandemic days I had a 6 month fling with one of said cool music guys, very attractive and successful but also avoidant and sort of a narcissist. I knew that he had a thing with the aforementioned young talented singer a few years ago (he was 34 and she was 18, uhhhhh, red flag?) and somehow continued to compare myself to her. I felt so inadequate and untalented and unloveable. Together with some other disappointments this sent me into a big downward spiral this summer.
Fast forward to now: I got accepted at a very good music school, this is a big deal because performing well in front of a jury while being VERY DEPRESSED is fucking hard. I'm moving to a new city in a week and I'm both excited and scared. My *nemesis* - the young talented singer - is studying at the same school and we actually became friends in the past months. She has been very supportive and we have started to make music together. I realized *the dude* is trash and mostly ignore his texts these days.
I also realized that I very often compare myself to the exes of the guys I'm sleeping with, and always end up feeling shitty about myself and my needs. I want to stop doing this and honor my desires and ambitions. Thank you for your column this week Polly, it really hit the spot!
Hey! So, I noticed you tend to ask the reader to turn envy or comparison on its head, and see it as an invitation or opportunity to exercise agency: human X is doing this, so why can’t I? I think it’s the agency in others’ actions that seems so appealing; especially on social media. I think it’s definitely good to take stock, and to change things in ones own life- to evaluate agency and maximize choice making. BUT I think this can still be unhealthy. The fact is social media can amplify others’ agency, so it eclipses our own. We also may have had many wonderful stretching trying moments but they weren’t documented in that way. Weirdly, maybe it’s also about using agency through the cyborg, and the curation of that cyborg? I think even taking the good and making changes can also be unhealthy because you might value what others are doing more, just because it’s someone else doing it... Not sure if it makes sense. But it’s like you could use this type of comparison to confirm that you’re not exciting sexy clever artistic etc. Also, it might depend on the person in question. I find that it’s super unhealthy generally, even if it is making you think about what you could do differently, when it’s someone who has been ‘chosen’ by someone you love/d. They take on this halo... and that glow is something you can’t get no matter what you ‘do’. So another unhealthy thing is thinking that people are what they do, and that if you too do those things... things wil be alright. That’s a tricky one because of course we are our passions and the sum of our hard work etc. But we also aren’t. We have inherent worth as human beings not because we are artists or writers or doctors....
I absolutely have a nemesis. He has very little background in the field in which I work but has jumped onto the scene with a splash. He published a book that is very derivative of ideas that have existed in my women-led field for ages. He has been an inspiration to me to trace the origins of ideas in my field and give credit where credit is due, as well as always use my platform to elevate the incredible ideas of women of color and fellow Indigenous women.
Because I struggle with comparison (who doesn't?) and a big dollop of self-doubt, I got off social media for my own self-preservation in 2014. But I still lurk! The most shameful voyeuristic spiral is around a relatively recent ex-lover who was an overly critical, competitive and judgmental guy. He spent the better part of our relationship attempting to shape me into a new-and-improved fun, pretty, Burning Man-going easy girl companion. When I creep around his colorfully-curated life wallpaper, it's clear I'm still uncomfortable with my choice to end the relationship or unsure of my "okay-ness." I don't compare myself to the new flames, typically, but I feel the shame of not being good enough, sparkly enough, sexy enough, "California"-enough (East Coast square over here). And then I hate him, want to see him fail or suffer. He's the only ex I've felt this way about. I sure hope it passes! A year of hate, but it's getting less intense.
My nemesis is probably myself, but that's another story. I just want to thank you for posting this. I love discussions about these kinds of issues. It's super helpful to engage in some prompted self-examination.
1) My fourth grade bully: popular, pretty, athletic, with a full life with all the extracurricular activities (well back then at any rate). Not that I ever think about her anymore, not for the last decades. Me: a only-child nerd who wants all the friends and all the fun and the damn life experience, but cannot have them because everyone has suddenly turned into hermits who never organise anything social that they invite me to (I'm living in a liminal pre-pandemic space here) or would rather spend time with their pointless job and spouse and children and siblings instead of being useful in my life by making new friends like me and throwing parties.
2) An acquaintance who has several Tinder lovers, whereas I'm never attracted to anyone and hookup culture makes me want to cry. The former even though I'm in a relationship, go figure.
3) A friend who can tackle several projects and a full-time job at a demanding tech company, whereas my ADHD ass can never finish anything and full-time jobs give me burnout, all of them, I have a 5-hour-a-day hard limit on my mental energy.
TL;DR: I'm envious of their mental health and connection with people and what seems to be a glorious sex life
Anyone my dad has ever praised, who I feel is deeply mediocre, and yet whose advice and life choices and successes my father thinks is worth crowing about and thinks I should emulate, automatically becomes my nemesis.
Anyone who has moved out of their home, anyone who got into a good grad school program, all the 19/20/21 year olds I somehow follow on Twitter, who to go Harvard, who are doing undergraduate/graduate research work, who complain about how hard their lives are in spite of all their successes. Fuck them. They're doing just fine, and I'm supposed to feel bad for any of them!?! Well I'm sorry your diamond shoes are too TIGHT, SALLY.
Also, any of the people who have ever disagreed with me or told me I'm wrong, even though I'm right, and then wound up showing their a** publicly, while I had to stay quiet and be polite and mature and not talk endlessly about what a little shit they are.
Also, also--all the women who, again, grew up in middle class America in the 80s and 90s, who went to fancy Ivy League colleges and MFA programs, who write books that everyone raves about, that wind up on best seller lists--only for me to read them and find out just how underdeveloped so many of their characters are, except one, who you can tell is fleshed out in all that detail, because their story was what they really wanted to write about and had given the most amount of thought to.
These days I find that I’m most jealous of people who I see as having never struggled for something. One could call it “Frank Grimes syndrome” for Simpsons fans out there. Even though I largely have what I want — a good job, a fiancé I love, great friends — I feel that I’ve had to struggle for it more than others. I had a bad childhood and early divorce that made it hard for me to figure out what I wanted and needed in an actually good partner, and I still struggle with wanting approval and validation from family members and future in-laws in particular. When I see someone who in my imagination at least has never had the thought, “what if I’m unlovable,” I feel envious. Of course I can’t know if they’ve never had that thought, and I try to remind myself of that when this comes up. Even if they haven’t, I believe most people at least have some bad days. I think these feelings motivate me to try little empathy exercises and reflect on the unknowability of others — not super concrete but it helps when I feel stuck.
I have a similar thing where I envy people who waltzed into cool jobs at a young age. I was so disengaged from the world when I was younger and I had so many big problems that it was hard to take my interests seriously, or follow them and study and develop the skills I really cared about. But I guess I've landed in a place where I'm developing some of those interests and skills now, and I've kind of resolved not to see myself as 'behind' even though I often feel like a late bloomer in most things.
I will say that the older you get, the more you realize that most people struggle a lot. Even the people you know who seem to have it easy will wind up on a rough path further along in life. The stuff that people hide from each other when they're young - whew. That stuff really comes out once you get past 35. It sucks that it takes us so long, though. I felt absolutely isolated in my struggles as a twentysomething. I had no idea most of the people I knew were in a similar state of despair and insecurity.
Empathy exercises might've helped. The way other people processed their emotions *looked* so different, that I just assumed that their emotions weren't as strong or frightening as mine.
My therapist would say to me sometimes, "I have clients who have castles and they come in here with problems too." (Castles!) And great point about how the way people process emotions looks different!
This is so interesting. I’m only just learning this now too; that how people present themselves doesn’t reflect what’s going on internally. Also, a lot of people also need to be very robust externally as a coping mechanism. What I find challenging though is when these type As sort of deny their vulnerability so much so it feels gaslighty? Eg ‘I didn’t get anxious at all during Covid’. Then the weight of remembering they are really human becomes too much sometimes... so you get rid of it and start to take them at face value. Then it transpires they really are human. This cycle!
This is really interesting, because I have to confess I find myself on the opposite side with people in my life who have really been through it. I have this one close friend in particular who had a really tough childhood and truly has done everything on her own to make it to where she is today. She is an incredibly hard worker and someone I admire. I did grow up in a family that most definitely had its issues, and went through a pretty bad childhood illness, but I had a childhood where I was cared for and parents who are still together and who supported me financially through college. I went to private schools. I have often really interrogated if I've actually ever worked hard for anything, or if anything truly has been difficult for me, and that is large in part due to my comparison to her and also going to a public university where people from all walks of life come to go to school. And I felt A LOT of shame for a couple years because I didn't know what else to feel about my situation vs hers. And it's not like she made me feel bad about it! I would self deprecate and show general embarrassment for my family being well-off. I would pay for more things for my group of friends because I felt bad and felt like I should. Looking back I laugh, because I was asking the same question you asked which was "what if I'm unlovable?" for the opposite reason? Maybe this person deserves more love and more out of life than me, like I've somehow had too much of it already! As if we have a threshold of being loved! I tried to sabotage the firm ground of care I was standing on (including her friendship!) because I felt shame. So I think maybe the lovability question is universal and a lot of people wonder that from where they stand. And also that I hope you feel seen and honored for what you have been through. I realized that that was probably the best thing I could offer her in our friendship.
This is great. Just want to add that "What if I'm unlovable?" seems pretty universal, based on the letters I get. Many, many people seem to wrangle with this question no matter what their circumstances might be.
I relate to a lot of what you've written here except my family had money when I was a child and now they, um, don't. It was a long, rocky transition for me that's still on-going. I feel humiliated literally daily. I do feel it's given me a lot more empathy than I would've had otherwise though-- but you already seem to have that. That is the vibe I get from people who grew up in tough circumstances-- they don't necessarily want your shame, but rather your empathy and understanding (as much as that's possible across the privilege divide.) You sound like you're doing a good job as her friend.
I agree! For me, it means a lot when a friend from a more privileged background really listens to my experiences and doesn't wave them away. I imagine it can feel uncomfortable to hear about – maybe in part for the shame reasons people are commenting here – but it means a lot when someone is able to sit with you and listen, and ask questions, too.
FWIW: I share your experience re family support and the same concerns about if I ever worked for anything
Thanks so much for sharing your perspective! Really helpful for me :)
I relate to this feeling, but often people are like ducks- all calm on the surface and paddling furiously underneath. Don't feel like your success is any less because you "tried" for it. Love yourself for your tenacity, I'm so happy to hear you have found all these wonderful things in your life.
My nemesis is actually someone I've never even met, she might as well be a figment of my imagination. I came to know of her when I was in university dating my first boyfriend, a 30 year old man with a near decade gap. Spoiler alert: he was a terrible human being who made belittling comments at me because he was an insecure loser himself.
This nemesis happens to be his ex-gf whom he had been with for over 5 years. When he dated me, he would make off-hand comments about how she was demanding and crazy, but very pretty. Next to her he referred to me as the "less pretty but nicer one." That was misogynistic and belittling on so many levels, I would have broken up with him on the spot if I hadn't had such low self-esteem back then. I looked her up and found her online, and thought it was eerie how similar our backgrounds were. We both came from strict Asian households that blurred the lines between emotional abuse and filial piety, but whereas I had a falling out with the shitty people in my family and no longer speak to them, she had put up with it all and seemingly came out on the other side having achieved everything an Asian parent could ask for: pretty, agreeable, high-achieving, with a respectable high-paying career. A daughter worth showing off and bragging about. I hated her instantly.
To me she embodied the perfect girl my family always shamed me for not being. In their eyes, I wasn't pretty enough, agreeable enough, or successful enough. And here she was, this perfect embodiment of what they wanted me to be, mocking me.
I wish I had something insightful to say about this situation, but I don't. She infuriates me. I hate that I look her up every once in a while to check how she's doing, I hate that she had a falling out with her shitty family finally, and I hate that she recently had a falling out with her shitty doctor husband too but they're trying to make it work again. I hate that she tries so hard to keep shitty people around in her life. I hate that she's done everything for these shitty people but I know that they will never give back to her. Just like how she lost years of her life and sanity with my shitty older man ex, who was definitely also very belittling and misogynistic to her. I hate that she's my crappy ex's and family's idea of "the perfect girl." And lastly I hate that these shitty people's narrative about her and ultimately, about me, find its way to me somehow and I can't seem to shake it off. I think I'm mad at her for upholding the shitty people's narrative. I think I'm also mad at my family and ex's year(s) of abuse to me, and how it's even more years for me to heal from the psychological trauma and wounds that they inflicted on my self-esteem.
Again, sorry, wish I had something insightful or constructive to say but I don't.
I understand how it feels to hate the fuck out of someone for years. I just want to say that your feelings will change. Just when you think you'll be locked in the same mindset about someone forever, something comes along and softens the picture for you.
It's not easy feeling the way you do. I know that. I just want to say that I used to get very locked up over other people and the things they had and the shit they didn't understand and never would, and now I really don't do that. The only thing that really changed that for me was learning to feel my feelings instead of thinking my way into a dry well. I stopped obsessing about how fucked everyone else was and started to allow room for my own vulnerability. I was humbled by all of the shit that piled onto me, and I resisted it, and then finally, I let it all in. That's happened a few times over, and every time I'm humbled, I come out of it feeling better and also more connected to other people, and also more forgiving of other people's flaws (and my own.)
If that sounds way too Jesus-like, I apologize. God knows I'm anything but that. But I would try to open your mind to the notion that vulnerability and humility, when they force their way into your life and knock you down, are good for you. These things will allow you to finally let go of perfect or even good and accept the unique lovable folds of who you are right now.
Your self-esteem will get healed (paradoxically!) through humility and vulnerability. You let in your emotions and accept them, good and bad, and forgive yourself for them, and slowly, the stuck places start to loosen up.
Anyway, very best wishes to you and thanks for your post. xo
Thanks for this, I'm really happy you replied! It's reassuring to hear from someone that things will get better if you keep feeling your way forward. Very Jesus-like words, but truthful as well. Your words have helped me so much along the way in my healing, thank you for being here and listening.
Apologies if I'm not reading this right but for me obsessions like this are a form of self-harm. Every time I think about that seemingly 'perfect' person I get another chance to flagellate for all of my supposed faults, everything I'm not and will never be, which feels good in a perverse way. Addicting. The only way I've dealt with a malignant obsession is to forgive myself for it, and maybe even give in to it for a little while, until it starts to lose both the sting and serotonin bump associated with it.
Every time I had an "nemesis" in my life with time I came to realize I was just projecting things on other people, and most of the time they didn't spare me a second thought lol.
My teenage nemesis was a very popular girl who kinda picked on me because I was bad at sports, but other than that she just ignored me. I loathed her with the strenght of a thousand suns! She was blonde! She was pretty! She was badass! Oh, the envy. At some point she asked point-blank why I didn't like her and I couldn't answer.
My current nemesis is this heiress to a company I used to work at that just goes through life with that nonchalant way rich people seem to enjoy.
I'm just an jealous motherfucker.
I know usually jealousy says more about the jealous person, yada yada yada, but honestly I feel like there should be an exemption for rich people who were born rich. I'm not going to self-reflect on why I hate an heiress. It's self-explanatory.
People with trust funds, in my personal experience, are often some of the most depressed people alive. I also have a knee-jerk thing about massively wealthy people, but I try to remember what I've seen and how hard it is to be overshadowed by your parents and have infinite choices but no reason to try. It's hard to sell this to anyone as a true hardship, I'll admit! But it's not small. I mean, the necessity of making a living saved me many, many times in life.
I've come to accept that I have class grievances, haha. It's tough interacting with the weird kind of entitlement that accompanies growing up with wealth. But tribalism sucks, so I try to hate the system, not the individual. I just don't date rich boys anymore :)
Yeaaaaaah.... I don't give myself too much heat for that one either!
agree. I don't self reflect on that either. But more recently I do self reflect on hating beautiful people (IRL beautiful people in your social groups, media people don't count) without first really sussing out their character.
I had a lot of other women I envied for being thinner, more creative, and more successful than me, I started interviewing them and realized the difference between us was that they asked for what they wanted and I was afraid to. I started making that shift it really empowered me.
My actual nemesis is my sister, I love her deeply but she is incredibly jealous which is hard because I try to celebrate her in every way I can. She wrote me a letter on my 30th birthday to tell me I was her nemesis too, It's a shame because in my eyes we've had the same chances but she seems to think my life is easier than hers, in my eyes as I said above the difference is that I will dig into things and try to shift that feeling and for her, that's an effort she feels she should not have to make.
Oh Heather! I saw the subject of the thread and thought, "I don't have a nemesis but could I talk about how much I dislike my cousin comparing her life to mine?" I hesitated because in my head it felt like I'd just make myself sound like the good person here, and I'm not. But reading your post about your sister - I feel it so much. I have always looked at my cousin B as my younger sibling and not a peer, so I find it difficult to deal with when I find her comparing our lives, and often not directly to me. Her parents did it to start with, so I understand why she does it too. But it hurts when I try to celebrate her, her successes, show up for her, show her how much she means to me and then sense her bitterness at my joys. When I'm with her and her older sister A, who I love so, so, much, I tread carefully because she gets jealous of our relationship. I try to give them space and genuinely don't mind at all when she makes plans that include A but not me. But if I spend any alone time with A - like even reading a book while she studies in the same room! - there will be snide remarks and later rants and emotional guilting to A about how she feels so left out. I've only realised recently that I'm wary of any three-way relationships and try my best to be the expendable third wheel in such cases rather than be involved in more drama. I also think I don't want to hang out with A and B together anymore even though it's my most favourite thing to do. Can you detach yourself from your sister's jealousy, Heather?
Ha ha. This is Heather - I just liked that, didn't write it! My sister is a surgeon and well, she's not envious of me! But: I am also wary of three-way friendships, possibly from being youngest of three, often triggers paranoid, left-out feelings? Working on that!
Hi< this is Gemma, ( not Heather) but thank you for relating. I have actually moved halfway across the world from my family and rarely see my sister or have much of a relationship with her anymore. We had a huge row last Christmas, where after taking time to get her a very thoughtful and expensive gift and to be kind to her when she'd broken her leg, she snapped at me and we had a huge row. I realised then that it wouldn't matter what I did, she would still find a way to be angry at me. That was oddly liberating, we've not spoken for close to a year but I feel like I've set a boundary and it's up to her to find a way back to me. I really hear you on avoiding 3 person dynamics though- they trigger me like nothing else! Sending you love and courage to keep being the bigger person here.
Thanks Gemma. It sucks that you had this row. Sometimes I think I just want to confront my cousin and explain how I feel to her. But I'm very blunt about how I feel and she's not. Nor is she willing to show me her insecure side - I can see that. I am, like you, coming to realise my actions won't change how she feels. Lots of love to you and hope this year is a more peaceful Christmas!
Thank you so much, you too. It's wonderful you realize that you are more blunt and able to be vulnerable and she's not. Keeping being the bigger person and thanks for your lovely words, they mean a lot to me.
Oh I'm such a dolt. Sorry GL for confusing you with Heather. But I have been wanting to unburden in this community for a while and didn't know how. So thank you for opening up this discussion. And thank you, Heather, for this space and for your writing. Every time I read an Ask Polly column and think oh this person's life sounds so different from mine and then you write things that just mean so much. Every time!
Thank you!! Very very appreciated. xo
After being close friends for 3+ years, my roommate has turned against me after I calmly explained to him that I didn't feel comfortable having his friend come over to socialize during COVID-19. Had this been his girlfriend or a close family member, I would have allowed it, but this was someone who I didn't know well whose social/health habits my roommate admitted that he was also unfamiliar with. He got upset with me and left to travel the world with his Italian girlfriend for 3 months. None of his friends or his gf's dispositions seemed to change towards me in our virtual exchanges so I assumed my roommate might've gotten over it, but it appears he has not after coming back from traveling and is only friendly towards me in front of our other roommates even though I happily welcomed him back and even offered to help him grab a bite to eat when he initially got back (he refused with a short, curt response). One of the spiteful things that is helping me feel a little better about this is knowing that I continue to remain gainfully employed while my roommate has been unemployed for over a year and has had no luck finding work. It's an absolutely unhealthy way to feel, but it makes me feel like I did win this grudge war my roommate continues to wage upon me.
No but I think I am someone's nemesis, despite also being their somewhat close friend. I don't have evidence, just instinct. I feel like my lifestyle, sense of humor, and values, choices strike them as petty, indulgent and lacking real substance, and then when I remind myself I have no real reason to believe that beyond hidden meanings in a few offhand comments/jokes spaced 6 months-1 year, I realize that this may say more about me and how I feel about myself??
But I like myself! I don't feel secretly guilty about my life or choices. Just last night I fell asleep thinking, dang, I have spent my life pursuing my dreams, having all the experiences I craved as a child - going to far flung places and tasting lovely cocktails and connecting with dynamic, interesting people and I were to pass right now at least I'd pass knowing I had lived my life the exact fucking way I wanted. So what gives? Why do I think I'm someone's nemesis unless I am secretly also hate myself and think I lack substance (I don't, I'm brainy) and am frivolous (I am, and am fine with it)?
I think you can feel completely comfortable with your choices and happy with your life and still have a sense that other people disapprove of you. I mean, my first impulse would be to say that your assumption that this person feels this way might be a projection of your fears -- as you point out. But it's also true that when you're having FUN and other people ARE NOT HAVING FUN, guess what? They don't always love it. The fact that our culture associates fun and enjoyment with frivolity and shallowness tells you a lot about how warped our shared understanding of our life priorities can be.
I was on my own case for not being serious and scholarly enough a year ago, and I realized that I've always been the same person: a joke-cracking, social show-off who loved to have fun. I'd tricked myself into believing that because I can also be an introvert or avoidant or allergic to socializing, my true path should somehow conform to the paths of notable intellectuals or writers. Now my attitude is: I'll just do exactly what the fuck I like and stop worrying about what anyone thinks of it.
Easier said than done, some days. But questioning the odd dichotomies of the culture (introvert vs. extrovert, intellectual vs. superficial, etc) is a start.
But as I said, it's also just COMMON for people to compare and assign value to what you're doing, as a means of elucidating what they want. A big challenge for friendships, really, is that moment where you figure out how to say/feel/accept "You love x, and that's great for you! But I care more about y." The more comfortable you become with your own pursuits and passions and how well you're embracing them, the less haunted you end up feeling about what other people are doing.
THAT SAID: We all crave approval, on and off, for the course of our entire lives. Some things just have to be accepted as part of the texture of the human condition. I'd only say that when you find yourself *compulsively seeking* approval or obsessed with the idea that your friend has made you her nemesis, that's when you want to consider if it's some outcropping of an anxious attachment style that sends you back to an empty well over and over again, looking for water, because that's what you did as a kid.
OKAY so much here, so much more to say. Thanks for posting!
Thank you for writing back. My friend is more of a serious, scholarly person outwardly and in practice, she writes, she reads. I do those things too, but I also get my hair and nails done and post about that, I love makeup, I love cocktails, I love my pre-covid weekend trips to tropical islands. I can go toe to toe with her intellectually, but thats not where I "live" in my conversations with others. I am not soft and sweet and sincere. I got edge and wit. and like you I am also sometimes on my case for not being more seriously and scholarly, just last week I said out loud to my partner "I think I am wasting my potential" after a binge watch of a medical drama. It was a short lived criticism. In my youth, I put in an application to med school. I was serious about being a feminist healthcare provider. I had the grades. Now instead, I have a glam job with a fat paycheck, which is what I really wanted tbh. I am sooo much happier that I chose this, and I produce work around my values in different ways.
You've helped me realize: I think my key issue here is that I don't feel celebrated or respected for my choices or for my ability to articulate the real shit when it matters, I feel judged for choosing fun more often than choosing unsexy, scholarly, leftist approaches.
But also maybe at play here is that I know I am fucking cool and I think that cool people are easily derided by serious, decided not shallow people, and it all feels a bit unfair just bc I chose a different way.
I also can't help but be reminded of your oldie https://www.theawl.com/2014/01/ask-polly-i-am-obsessed-with-my-boyfriends-evil-ex-girlfriend-and-her-blog-and-their-dogs/ on this thread topic
ALSO THIS ONE https://www.thecut.com/2019/11/ask-polly-am-i-too-obsessed-with-my-nemesis.html
I used to get incredibly irritated when I read certain writers and saw them get heaps of praise for whatever they'd written, and think to myself "I could've written that." I recognized that their work was objectively good, but thought for some reason that it wasn't good *enough* to warrant the level of attention it received, even though I liked it too (and sometimes even left comments of my own). Unsurprisingly, I was barely doing any writing of my own at the time. It's so much easier for me to enjoy other people's work when I'm consistently writing things that I feel good about.
For a long time I needed nemeses to motivate myself. Then I realized that, for me at least, having a nemesis was just another way of using "the stick" (as opposed to "the carrot"). It's never, ever healthy for me when I use the stick. If I'm not being kind to myself, my inner-child/hind-brain rebels and nothing gets done.
Yes, I have to be verrrrrry nice to myself in order to remain productive. I guess I've moved from a nemesis mindset to an "allow yourself to be inspired by these ambitious individuals you once found distasteful." It works at the level of "See what he's doing? Are you envious of that? Do you want to think that way more? Is there room for a little of that in your life? Does it look fun?" Less about the person and more about those choices that seem like they're just utterly different than mine but maybe... it's fun to live that way?
I'm sort of into noticing things that make me feel threatened or insecure, though. Used to be afraid, but now that my overall self-talk is just extremely (dangerously? ha) positive, I'm fascinated when those old feelings show up out of the blue. Like WOW THIS? WHAT IS IT THAT'S TRIGGERING THIS?
Curiosity can be a way to turn the stick into... a telescope, observing distant worlds? I dunno. Just a thought! Thanks for posting regardless.
I have struggled with comparing myself with someone for about 6 years now. It started when I was dating someone who openly told me he liked her, and talked about beautiful and smart she was. The thing is, he wasn't wrong, but I have felt paralyzed in comparison with her ever since that experience. To make it more confusing, I had romantic feelings for her too. But loving her always felt like hating myself. I've wanted to be rid of these feelings for a long time, but even now 6 years later, it hurts to talk to her, which hurts on many levels because I can't help but feel bad about myself around her. She has always been so supportive of me, but also I think doesn't realize the pain I go through regarding that. I have worked to carve out a space for loving myself and my talents in the world, but I still struggle.
My nemesis has no idea that they're my nemesis. Probably because their nemeninity (not a word, but should be) has little to do with their actual person, but with the way my inner critic uses their voice and face to tell me how my work sucks. I am totally aware that the real person and the nemesis!person are not the same thing. I am, really. But damn if it's not hard to remember sometimes. Especially now.
Goddamn NEMENINITY, at it again!
I had one person who was def. a YOUNG PRETTY SUPER-INTELLIGENT BLUDGEON with which I like to bust my ego to pieces. I've moved slowly into a place of "I am not as everything as this person, but I am certainly uh unique and, on good days, brave." Not exactly a triumphant mantra, but I've started to at least enjoy just being big weird loud chumpy ME a lot.
I also find that instead of focusing on ppl who seem BETTER (an old bad habit) I now focus on people I really love and want to succeed. It's like a movement from hero / nemesis worship/envy to a kind of PEER LOVE. Feels more connected and positive and less destructive, like "we're all pretty good at this, let's keep it up!" (This is mostly inside my imagination, but in some cases I've befriended the people in question.)
Anyway, all creative humans are insecure at some level. There are just days when you don't know what the fuck you are or what you're doing. Inescapable, inevitable, interminable! Good to just accept it and also to try very hard to use your huge imagination to celebrate your own weird skills and talents.
But yeah, confusing the real person with the nemesis is dangerous. You can be great at stuff and still be a wreck. So many successful people are so avoidant that they can't feel their success. Giving the person the benefit of the doubt is key, as you suggest.
I love "nemeninity"
This has made me start thinking. I hate people who are very driven type A careerists. Typically I assign bad motives to them-- they're just after money or power, etc. Probably had nothing to do with my own career (which is going nowhere) and the success I've enjoyed (little to none). Right? hahaha
I used to hate careerists, too, because I always had trouble locating my ambition. Pursuing success or money for their own sake seemed flat and uninteresting to me. Something shifted about a decade ago when I started to try to imagine a career that I loved instead of just tolerated. I was a TV critic at the time and felt very lucky to have that job, but I didn't love it enough. Shifting to advice changed everything, because I enjoyed it so much. In the past few years, I've also started to associate careerism and ambitious people with *fun*: they tend to be people who say "You know what would be cool/ interesting / fun?" and then make that thing happen without fear.
Obviously there are countless variations on that theme, and many flavors of careerism are just ego-driven, greedy, or flatly boring. But noticing the things you envy -- a lack of fear, an ability to dive into the real world and do things -- is the first step to decoding how you want to live. It's also very very hard to be successful at a thing you don't like. You just can't put your energy into it. I'm not saying we all have to be madly in love with our jobs. But slowly aiming to do more of the stuff you enjoy and less of the stuff you don't is a good goal.
Thanks for posting and hang in there. xo
Thank you for this answer. I keep pressuring myself to choose 'safe,' reliable jobs like I've had in the past - jobs that have frustrated me to tears and in the end weren't even all that reliable! Especially these days. I am terrible at anything I'm not interested in. ADHD trait. I don't know what I want to do, but now I know what I don't want to do. Thank you Polly <3
What you don't want to do is useful info to have! Fellow ADHDer here
Those people often feel they have something to prove. I never thought I was ambitious or competitive until a close friend called me out but then I realized I just had a need to be seen and prove my worth because I felt lacking. I don't know if that will help you but I hope it does.
I hate these types too, but because they are not available enough to give me attention. My love language is quality time.
So many of my male and female, but especially female, friends have insinuated that i'm ugly or called me ugly outright. i have a few nemesis that come to mind, in particular. i don't want to know people anymore because i don't want to be hurt in that way again. how can these relentlessly abusive experiences possibly be a good thing, Polly?
Whew, that's fucked up! I'm so sorry that you've been through that! It does not sound like a good thing. Are you saying they said this stuff and then they became your nemeses? Anyway, I'm very sorry. Sometimes I try to go straight to the center of someone else's insult and live there until I'm fine with their shitty view of me. Other times, I just sit with the hurt and feel it and make myself vulnerable to it, in order to process it. What you don't want is to stay in that hurt place forever because you're almost *resisting* going there. Processing the pain and letting it make you FULLY sad sometimes flushes it out, and then you land in a place of: "that hurt like hell" but also "i am who i am and i like myself. people who talk shit do not like themselves at all. I'm going to try to cultivate compassion for my enemies."
It may be that none of that helps at all, of course, in which case I just want to say again: I'm sorry and you don't deserve that at all. Sending you love. xo
Thanks for your reply Heather! And yeah, I'm usually very fond of my friends until they say something like this and then it turns to full hatred for them. I think maybe a handful of times with 1 or 2 people might have felt more survivable, but i just feel like i keep hearing this sentiment of 'not good enough' or 'not pretty' or 'less prettier than _ ' over and over again in SO many different ways by just a large and diverse group of people throughout the years that now, i'm just so weak to it. i just wish i was pretty so people would stop bothering me
Oh no!! Sorry to hear this. I’ve had friends who have said things like ‘if only you wore make up you’d be pretty’. Lots of things along those lines. Years later I brought it up w said friend. She didn’t remember and said she probably meant it in a positive way sigh... If I could do something differently, I would 1) call them out on it. 2) Try to have a ritual where I remind myself how lovely and amazing I am. Whatever the opinions of some others.
Because this stuff does chip away at ones self esteem. 1) Calling friends out is hard because sometimes it’s so subtle. Grown women can really gang up on one another!
Thank you so much for your reply <3 It means a lot to me, and everything you're saying is so true. I feel better today already
I have a lot of irrational anger towards female writers sometimes. First it was Elizabeth Gilbert, recently Glennon Doyle. I belittled their writing as “white girl problems”. In spending some time with my own writing, I found this is because I envy that they have given themselves permission to speak freely about their lives.
Totally get it. I go through phases where certain writers and gurus annoy the living shit out of me. Sometimes I think I'm just trying to refine my idea of what's worth doing in my own career, and other times I'm probably trying to figure out how to avoid a kind of abstract, upbeat self-help writing that feels too unchained from the dirt of reality to feel valuable to me. But a lot of these urges are me being an envious perfectionist about what I do, and AS YOU CAN SEE WITH THESE BIG MESSY THREADS, part of what I'm about right now is just diving in and having fun and engaging. I don't have to do this shit the way anyone else does it, I can just show up with whatever I have and offer it to people. Will it be good enough? Maybe. Sometimes, probably not. But that's fine.
A big part of this process of showing up with whatever I have has included a realization that I've been valuing control and perfection over fun and connection. Covid has probably pushed me in the direction of looking for more connection and trying to believe in it more, and also pushed me to find more fun in my everyday life, even in strange places like THREADS.
So your point about permission is important. Plenty of writers do stuff I wouldn't personally do, but the answer to that isn't to indulge a paranoid view of ACTION and SHOWING YOURSELF and CONNECTING that leaves no room for fun.
Also, any summary that includes "girl" or "woman" as a means of expressing what's bad about it is RIGHT OUT as far as I'm concerned. As in "Oh no I'm blogging about being a mom, that's a woman thing so it's bad" or "ugh i'm writing about fashion for a girl magazine, I'm not serious enough!" These are just layers of internalized misogyny that tell us that our stories are inherently silly or self-indulgent or beside the point. I reject that.
It takes constant to work to *keep* rejecting that, because it's everywhere. But at some point you have to decide to be who you are and write from what you know, no matter what category someone wants to lump you into. If the writing is good enough? Trust me, you'll forget about the ways that other people might write it off. And if you think "oh no this is just white girl problems" when you read something you wrote, what you're noticing is that the writing doesn't meet your standards yet.
Yes. Thank you for calling me out on the internalizing misogyny!!! I silence myself far too often because of fear that was instilled in me by the men in my life. I wrote this week in my writing class about how I feel muzzled. I didn’t realize until reading your response that that muzzle is so much due misogyny. THANK YOU. I was concise in my post but damn now I’m seeing how deep that issue is. The complexity of joking about “white girl problems” is really deep and layered. Wow this feels freeing. Thanks always! Glad you are here in this space and engaging. We all need it❤️
So glad that helped! I discover new layers of misogyny in myself *all the time.* It sucks and it does make writing hard. I mean, I could barely stand to be known as an advice columnist for a while, because it felt so feminine and trivial to me. Meanwhile, how are big, heavy human problems TRIVIAL, exactly? Nothing could be less trivial. It's all about whether or not you're meeting your own standards of what feels like quality writing, what entertains, what informs, what feels exciting and fresh and alive. If you love something you wrote, that's what matters.*
*caveat: Wait a few days and edit a few times before you hit publish UNLESS YOU'RE SURE. Some pieces require a little time and distance before they're just right. I learned this verrrrry recently, mind you!
Thank you! I love talking to writers about writing! It’s my favorite thing! And ha to the publishing. I realized sometimes I do that because I’m scared if I don’t post I never will. But I’m working on that, too.
I sent my writing teacher a piece from my food blog and then a darker more narrative piece that clearly had my real voice. The difference was stark. She got so mad at me after reading both for even having the blog haha She asked, why have a “canned voice” when your authentic self has the story you need to tell? Working on becoming unmuzzled and peeling the many layers. xo
Okay, as someone who's somehow made a living at this since 1995, I have to tell you that you can have all kinds of voices as a writer, and pegging one as "canned" just because it's more outward-facing or makes $ is a trap. I like writing cheerful, helpful things and I also like crude funny shit and I also love dark, murky weirdness. If we all aimed for the maximally "authentic" part of ourselves, we'd be transcribing our dreams straight onto the page. There's room for many different sides of your personality on the page. I say keep experimenting and doing what you love and don't overthink it. Trust your instincts!
Thank you! Great advice from one of my favorite writers. How lucky am I today. And so true. Sometimes writing nonsense about pie is the thing that makes me want to write that day and escape my own darkness. Love the idea of the different personalities/voices. Molly is a perfect example! Xx
Avoiding reading the "kind of abstract, upbeat self-help writing that feels too unchained from the dirt of reality to feel valuable to me" is the exact reason why I read your column as if my life depended on it
also super interesting how you named writers who were in hetero marriages and now are in queer partnerships later in life :) coincidence probably
Interesting how?
just interesting how queer relationships are being more and more integrated into mainstream culture. love to see it.
same!!
Well I don't love elizabeth gilbert so I initially vibed with you on the former point. A white girl problem is a white girl problem, yes, but that doesn't mean white girlsTM shouldn't speak freely in their own spaces and in their own writing. Plus, writing publicly means you get feedback re literary criticism. Plenty of people have called Elizabeth a white girl problem writer. This is a balance you must strike - understanding ur relative privilege but also understanding what u deserve to do and say about yourself, not letting the shame mix in
When a taken guy had a crush on me at work, I couldn’t help but interpret it as “You are the object; the woman at home is the human being.” People y’all about workplaces crushes as being innocent and common, but I couldn’t help but feel like it trivializes my existence and confirmed my inferiority as a woman. Still not sure how TF to heal this.
I'm sorry you feel this way, in these situations, don't look at his unavailability as a reflection on your worth. You have the power here, you just need to shift and see it. Take the crush as a compliment and bank that desire in you as an investment for future dating. I know how you feel and have felt that way myself but shifting and deciding what determines your value will help you move forward. Sending you love and wishing love for you.
Thank you so much. How does one bank a desire that feels so depleting?
It sounds corny but energy goes where attention flows, focus on putting energy into yourself. Do what you can to feel good about yourself, workout, eat well. Set a goal and work towards it, those subtle shifts will help dissolve the frustration you feel. I know it feels super annoying to have try more but you are your own most precious thing and I hope you can start to feel that for yourself.
Thanks so much for these kind words. I’ll take them to heart. I keep hitting a wall of terror when things are going well, because when things were going well, that was when I attracted him. I felt great about myself, he felt great about me, and then I fell in love and he sort of did too but not quite enough. I don’t ever want that to happen again.
Lots of great advice from GL here. I would only add that you need to look at your interest in avoidant / unavailable people if you haven't already, and also examine how your thinking around this situation has slowly become obsessive/ a thing that activates your anxious attachment style. Strongly recommend the book Attached! The more you can recognize your destructive intellectual loops and ground yourself in your body and how you feel and what you love *in your own life*, and *in reality*, the better you're going to feel. xo
Oh Lord I’ve read it many times. I just can’t un-love this guy.
Wow, Heather this is the biggest compliment- thank you.
Oh god, I know this feeling only too well. The fear of the other shoe being about to drop! You have to remind yourself that none of it is constant and allow your self to enjoy the good, sometimes you get to crest that wave longer than others. Have faith in yourself, you can do this! You can't totally protect your heart, great risk offers great reward so he wasn't the prize you hoped for, don't let this close you off, believe you deserve good things. Build yourself up so you feel safer to take risks, honetsly the investment in self here, is the greatets thing you can offer yourself.
That makes a lot of sense. Saving this—thank you!
*talk about
Earlier this year I had this obesession with a singer I know. She is very young, talented, pretty and able to share herself without inhibitions or shame. She also seemed to get all the attention from the *cool music guys* I was secretly crushing on. During the early pandemic days I had a 6 month fling with one of said cool music guys, very attractive and successful but also avoidant and sort of a narcissist. I knew that he had a thing with the aforementioned young talented singer a few years ago (he was 34 and she was 18, uhhhhh, red flag?) and somehow continued to compare myself to her. I felt so inadequate and untalented and unloveable. Together with some other disappointments this sent me into a big downward spiral this summer.
Fast forward to now: I got accepted at a very good music school, this is a big deal because performing well in front of a jury while being VERY DEPRESSED is fucking hard. I'm moving to a new city in a week and I'm both excited and scared. My *nemesis* - the young talented singer - is studying at the same school and we actually became friends in the past months. She has been very supportive and we have started to make music together. I realized *the dude* is trash and mostly ignore his texts these days.
I also realized that I very often compare myself to the exes of the guys I'm sleeping with, and always end up feeling shitty about myself and my needs. I want to stop doing this and honor my desires and ambitions. Thank you for your column this week Polly, it really hit the spot!
Hey! So, I noticed you tend to ask the reader to turn envy or comparison on its head, and see it as an invitation or opportunity to exercise agency: human X is doing this, so why can’t I? I think it’s the agency in others’ actions that seems so appealing; especially on social media. I think it’s definitely good to take stock, and to change things in ones own life- to evaluate agency and maximize choice making. BUT I think this can still be unhealthy. The fact is social media can amplify others’ agency, so it eclipses our own. We also may have had many wonderful stretching trying moments but they weren’t documented in that way. Weirdly, maybe it’s also about using agency through the cyborg, and the curation of that cyborg? I think even taking the good and making changes can also be unhealthy because you might value what others are doing more, just because it’s someone else doing it... Not sure if it makes sense. But it’s like you could use this type of comparison to confirm that you’re not exciting sexy clever artistic etc. Also, it might depend on the person in question. I find that it’s super unhealthy generally, even if it is making you think about what you could do differently, when it’s someone who has been ‘chosen’ by someone you love/d. They take on this halo... and that glow is something you can’t get no matter what you ‘do’. So another unhealthy thing is thinking that people are what they do, and that if you too do those things... things wil be alright. That’s a tricky one because of course we are our passions and the sum of our hard work etc. But we also aren’t. We have inherent worth as human beings not because we are artists or writers or doctors....
I absolutely have a nemesis. He has very little background in the field in which I work but has jumped onto the scene with a splash. He published a book that is very derivative of ideas that have existed in my women-led field for ages. He has been an inspiration to me to trace the origins of ideas in my field and give credit where credit is due, as well as always use my platform to elevate the incredible ideas of women of color and fellow Indigenous women.
I don't know you, but I fucking like you and your work.
Because I struggle with comparison (who doesn't?) and a big dollop of self-doubt, I got off social media for my own self-preservation in 2014. But I still lurk! The most shameful voyeuristic spiral is around a relatively recent ex-lover who was an overly critical, competitive and judgmental guy. He spent the better part of our relationship attempting to shape me into a new-and-improved fun, pretty, Burning Man-going easy girl companion. When I creep around his colorfully-curated life wallpaper, it's clear I'm still uncomfortable with my choice to end the relationship or unsure of my "okay-ness." I don't compare myself to the new flames, typically, but I feel the shame of not being good enough, sparkly enough, sexy enough, "California"-enough (East Coast square over here). And then I hate him, want to see him fail or suffer. He's the only ex I've felt this way about. I sure hope it passes! A year of hate, but it's getting less intense.
My nemesis is probably myself, but that's another story. I just want to thank you for posting this. I love discussions about these kinds of issues. It's super helpful to engage in some prompted self-examination.
1) My fourth grade bully: popular, pretty, athletic, with a full life with all the extracurricular activities (well back then at any rate). Not that I ever think about her anymore, not for the last decades. Me: a only-child nerd who wants all the friends and all the fun and the damn life experience, but cannot have them because everyone has suddenly turned into hermits who never organise anything social that they invite me to (I'm living in a liminal pre-pandemic space here) or would rather spend time with their pointless job and spouse and children and siblings instead of being useful in my life by making new friends like me and throwing parties.
2) An acquaintance who has several Tinder lovers, whereas I'm never attracted to anyone and hookup culture makes me want to cry. The former even though I'm in a relationship, go figure.
3) A friend who can tackle several projects and a full-time job at a demanding tech company, whereas my ADHD ass can never finish anything and full-time jobs give me burnout, all of them, I have a 5-hour-a-day hard limit on my mental energy.
TL;DR: I'm envious of their mental health and connection with people and what seems to be a glorious sex life
Anyone my dad has ever praised, who I feel is deeply mediocre, and yet whose advice and life choices and successes my father thinks is worth crowing about and thinks I should emulate, automatically becomes my nemesis.
Anyone who has moved out of their home, anyone who got into a good grad school program, all the 19/20/21 year olds I somehow follow on Twitter, who to go Harvard, who are doing undergraduate/graduate research work, who complain about how hard their lives are in spite of all their successes. Fuck them. They're doing just fine, and I'm supposed to feel bad for any of them!?! Well I'm sorry your diamond shoes are too TIGHT, SALLY.
Also, any of the people who have ever disagreed with me or told me I'm wrong, even though I'm right, and then wound up showing their a** publicly, while I had to stay quiet and be polite and mature and not talk endlessly about what a little shit they are.
Also, also--all the women who, again, grew up in middle class America in the 80s and 90s, who went to fancy Ivy League colleges and MFA programs, who write books that everyone raves about, that wind up on best seller lists--only for me to read them and find out just how underdeveloped so many of their characters are, except one, who you can tell is fleshed out in all that detail, because their story was what they really wanted to write about and had given the most amount of thought to.