Avoiding conflict makes us more rigid, limits our access to honest, intimate relationships, and causes many to choose the safety of ideology over the awkwardness of deeper human connections
You have articulated things I’ve been feeling, but didn’t have the words for. Thank you. Sometimes things are really hard even in good relationships, and more and more we are being encouraged to leave as soon as things get hard. I really don’t think this is healthy.
There is a fundamental difference between self-protection by walking away from abuse and wielding silence like a shield from another person’s bids for connection.
It’s quite straight-forward really so when I see people conflating the two, I often wonder: is it genuine confusion or a case of running away from reality (and being real!) with an undercurrent of shame.
I think people conflate the two because it isn't always clear cut, actually.
It can be very unclear whether a person is going to harm you if you do not act to protect yourself until it is too late.
I think we should all focus more on demonstrating that we are trustworthy in our words and actions first, instead of complaining others don't trust us and act accordingly.
Walking away is nonviolent. Boundaries are nonviolent. The times in my life when I have ghosted, it was after other less-permenant boundaries were ignored. At the end of the day, I cannot control other people's actions. But, I can 100% control my own actions.
It's interesting, the "do unto others" principle when applied here. Every time someone else has ghosted me, or ended a relationship with me abruptly, I have felt relieved. Every single time.
It didn't occur to me until fairly recently that anyone would consider ending a relationship due to conflict harmful.
Don't you also feel your shoulders just totally relax? Even when the other person is the one making the call, it's like: I'm free! Now you won't have to try and fail to be whomever this person wanted you to be anymore. You can actually, in practice, be yourself again.
I've never experienced being ghosted as a really bad thing. It's always been either a relief, or sad but overall ok. It is nothing compared to the joy and liberation of solitude, or the companionship of a kindred spirit - someone rare and beautiful, with whom intimacy is both deep and simple.
I'm genuinely bewildered that other people find ghosting of less-intimate relationships so painful. I don't want to hurt anyone. I also don't want to endure pain when it's optional. If two people can't find a way to cultivate a relationship that doesn't hurt, what good are you getting out of it?
I don't want to be a martyr or endure pain for it's own sake. If the conflict can genuinely be resolved in a way that respects everyone's needs and feels ok, that's one thing.
But I haven't seen many examples of conflict resolution that work out that way. It's hard to try when you can't even agree what a good outcome would be, let alone how to get there.
In my experience, people who advocate most strongly for a version of conflict resolution that precludes ending the relationship have a need for control that pings my sense of threat. Why is it so important to have barriers to prevent someone from leaving?
Maybe there are good answers to that question. But I haven't heard them.
Really, the times a relationship ended that felt bad were those where someone decided to tell me all the reasons they were ending the relationship in a long, angry, monologue about why I suck.
*That* hurt. It was also shitty and unnecessary. If the relationship is over, why tell me how they want me to change? Why would I change for someone who doesn't want to be around me anyway?
The times people just left? Faded out? Felt ok. No trying to win or put me down. No impossible demands . Just ending.
Things, relationships, end. If you have the choice, why not make the ending as peaceful as possible?
Obviously, a circumstance where one person unilaterally ending the relationship could endanger another - a parent or caregiver abandoning a child, or an air traffic controller quitting their job and leaving mid-flight - that's a situation where ghosting is bad.
But nobody's really looking at those situations where a person enters a relationship knowing full well they're taking on responsibility for another person's life.
In friendship, romance among adults? Ending a relationship quietly is fine. I don't need an explanation, and the times I've gotten one I wish the person *had* chosen to ghost.
Thank you, Polly. I needed this reminder. Perfect timing.
You have articulated things I’ve been feeling, but didn’t have the words for. Thank you. Sometimes things are really hard even in good relationships, and more and more we are being encouraged to leave as soon as things get hard. I really don’t think this is healthy.
This is such an excellent question!
There is a fundamental difference between self-protection by walking away from abuse and wielding silence like a shield from another person’s bids for connection.
It’s quite straight-forward really so when I see people conflating the two, I often wonder: is it genuine confusion or a case of running away from reality (and being real!) with an undercurrent of shame.
I think people conflate the two because it isn't always clear cut, actually.
It can be very unclear whether a person is going to harm you if you do not act to protect yourself until it is too late.
I think we should all focus more on demonstrating that we are trustworthy in our words and actions first, instead of complaining others don't trust us and act accordingly.
Walking away is nonviolent. Boundaries are nonviolent. The times in my life when I have ghosted, it was after other less-permenant boundaries were ignored. At the end of the day, I cannot control other people's actions. But, I can 100% control my own actions.
It's interesting, the "do unto others" principle when applied here. Every time someone else has ghosted me, or ended a relationship with me abruptly, I have felt relieved. Every single time.
It didn't occur to me until fairly recently that anyone would consider ending a relationship due to conflict harmful.
Don't you also feel your shoulders just totally relax? Even when the other person is the one making the call, it's like: I'm free! Now you won't have to try and fail to be whomever this person wanted you to be anymore. You can actually, in practice, be yourself again.
I've never experienced being ghosted as a really bad thing. It's always been either a relief, or sad but overall ok. It is nothing compared to the joy and liberation of solitude, or the companionship of a kindred spirit - someone rare and beautiful, with whom intimacy is both deep and simple.
I'm genuinely bewildered that other people find ghosting of less-intimate relationships so painful. I don't want to hurt anyone. I also don't want to endure pain when it's optional. If two people can't find a way to cultivate a relationship that doesn't hurt, what good are you getting out of it?
I don't want to be a martyr or endure pain for it's own sake. If the conflict can genuinely be resolved in a way that respects everyone's needs and feels ok, that's one thing.
But I haven't seen many examples of conflict resolution that work out that way. It's hard to try when you can't even agree what a good outcome would be, let alone how to get there.
In my experience, people who advocate most strongly for a version of conflict resolution that precludes ending the relationship have a need for control that pings my sense of threat. Why is it so important to have barriers to prevent someone from leaving?
Maybe there are good answers to that question. But I haven't heard them.
No, I haven't. That's why I'm having trouble.
Really, the times a relationship ended that felt bad were those where someone decided to tell me all the reasons they were ending the relationship in a long, angry, monologue about why I suck.
*That* hurt. It was also shitty and unnecessary. If the relationship is over, why tell me how they want me to change? Why would I change for someone who doesn't want to be around me anyway?
The times people just left? Faded out? Felt ok. No trying to win or put me down. No impossible demands . Just ending.
Things, relationships, end. If you have the choice, why not make the ending as peaceful as possible?
Obviously, a circumstance where one person unilaterally ending the relationship could endanger another - a parent or caregiver abandoning a child, or an air traffic controller quitting their job and leaving mid-flight - that's a situation where ghosting is bad.
But nobody's really looking at those situations where a person enters a relationship knowing full well they're taking on responsibility for another person's life.
In friendship, romance among adults? Ending a relationship quietly is fine. I don't need an explanation, and the times I've gotten one I wish the person *had* chosen to ghost.