My number one tip for making new friends is PLAN THINGS. You meet someone in the wild who seems cool? Get their contact info (Instagram, phone number, whatever) and then the next day reach out and say “Hey it was great meeting you? Would you like to do [X] with me this weekend?” If they say they are busy, follow up once or twice with other plans. Send silly memes to stay connected in between.
I have made SEVERAL very close friends by meeting them once and then saying “I have a cabin trip planned with my friends in a couple weeks. Would you like to come? You may have to sleep on a couch so you won’t have to pay anything, just show up!” These trips started with maybe 3 of us, and now… sometimes we get 15-20 people. Turns out the type people I love are ones who will say “Sure. I don’t know anybody who will be there, but you don’t seem like a murderer so I will show up.” This is an advanced technique, so don’t feel bad if you start with just going to a museum or a coffee shop or a walk through a park or whatever is happening that strikes your fancy. But reaching out, following up, staying connected, and making plans has been The Way for me.
Another much easier technique for breaking the ice with strangers has been keeping a variety of fidget toys in my purse. If I’m standing around somewhere and see someone ELSE just standing around not really engaged with anybody I sidle up to them and say “Hey, do you like fidget toys?” If they say “umm… no?” I say “I bet I have SOMETHING in here that will click.” And then I pull out one at a time and let them try them. Is this highly strange and neurodivergent? Probably. But it’s also harmless and I’ve had a 100% success rate with them feeling more included.
Turns out you can also just walk up to a group of people who seem cool. Break the ice by complimenting somebody on something. Then be honest and say “I don’t know anybody here. What are you guys talking about?” Usually they’ll let you hang around for a little while and be part of the conversation. If you click, follow the above steps and exchange contact info and then follow up to invite them to something.
Leading with an open mind, and a positive attitude, is good for our mental health. The older I get, the more I ask myself if new people are right for me rather than if they think I am “okay.” I know that hurt is a possibility in any relationship, and I know the right friendship is worth that risk.
Yeah, I think the less you go to "do people find me acceptable?" and the more you ask "is this really a person I enjoy?" the more life improves. Being picky is good for you at times and also teaches you that you don't have to grovel or feel shitty if something doesn't work, you can just... let it go and move forward.
And absolutely, the truly good, mutually enthusiastic friendships are so invaluable. You can forget that those kinds of friendships exist if you get too hung up on people who withhold their enthusiasm or seem indifferent.
This is an area of real struggle for me right now. I am recently separated from my wife, and I am struggling with friendships. I have found that, generally, when my wife and I would do something with another couple, it would be the wives organizing it. I don’t have a wife now to do that. And most of my friends are married, and they want to support their wives, who want to support my wife, so I don’t get to have them as friends.
So I have made an effort to reach out to other friends and meet with them. And that has worked somewhat. I’ll reach out, arrange a breakfast meeting, we will get together, the conversation will flow well, it will be a great time, and as near as I can tell, they enjoy it too. Then I never hear from them again. If I contact them again, they are happy to get together, but they will never ever reciprocate and invite me. This happens with most of my friends. It’s hard to always have to be the one to initiate, and it is hard not to take it personally.
A lot of people in the chat were talking about lack of reciprocation also. I know how irritating that can be. I used to feel strongly that people should reciprocate and if they didn't, that said something. Lately what I'm noticing is that the person who initially makes a plan often gets viewed as the organizer of that friendship. Same with a circle of friends. The first person to make a plan is sometimes seen as the leader of that group, or the one who'll get the ball rolling. I have a group of friends who always rely on me to make things happen. I have another group where another woman is the one who organizes us. It's not exactly fair, but I do think it's rarely personal. Over time (years!) it changes, but it takes a long time for friendships to feel very easy and organic.
When you're kind of in the middle of a crisis where you don't have enough friends, these things feel extremely taxing and and frustrating. But what are the major ills that come from sticking your neck out repeatedly? When I moved across the country, I was basically willing to put in a ton of effort. I had to. I had one friend in town! Now, thanks to the fact that I was relentless and made a lot of plans and also said yes to everything and also got out of the house a lot for the first time (as someone who was previously a home body), I have a lot of friends I love. As difficult as it can be, it gets results. If you have a good time, I say keep going back for more and don't overthink it if you can help it.
Thank you for the reply Polly. Truly. It made me cry a bit. I just laughed thinking when I do the same with potential friends as I did with man... Thank you for your letter ❤️ I will stay open!!
This is soooo relatable. I think almost everyone - even people who seem like it's so easy for them - have struggled with this one time or another.
And I think Polly is SPOT ON, as usual. You just have to accept that it's okay to get your feelings hurt, and expect that it will happen. At some point, defensively protecting yourself becomes more painful than just getting your feelings hurt.
Two things that helped me (in addition to expecting to be hurt, and accepting when it does, which is really, the main thing):
1) At some point, probably thanks to my fondness for comedians who lean into this - like Tim Robinson - I developed a love of awkward and cringey moments in my personal life. It really helps when you have a bad, awkward interaction and later you realize that it was really, really funny! Sometimes, it's even funny in the moment, which is the best. Now, at the same time that I feel embarrassed in a moment of awkward social interaction gone bad, some part of me is finding it funny and already turning it into an anecdote for later. If you can entertain your boyfriend (and going forward, your friends!) with these stories afterwards, it's like magic, like turning dross into gold. Try it! It's fun! (Oh! Also, the movie "Friendship" is basically a whole movie about Tim Robinson embarrassing himself over and over in his attempts to befriend Paul Rudd, and it is PERFECTION. I laughed really hard through the whole thing.)
2) The book "The Four Agreements," has chapters about taking nothing personally and not making assumptions. I read, and re-read these sections many times. The way the author articulates this advice is so healing and helpful. Or at least it was to me!
I think you are well on your way to making friends. You seem to have a lot of self-awareness and a strong desire for friendship, which are both exactly what you need. Good luck out there! :)
This is great! I have to watch that movie!!! And you're right, awkwardness is hilarious. My husband has started to say to the kids, when they talk about avoiding awkward things, "Literally EVERYTHING is awkward. Socializing is always awkward. Parties are awkward." In other words, there's no reason to get nervous or worked up or feel like you're getting it wrong. The whole social world is one awkward moment after another. It's funny and it's also TOTALLY FINE.
I went to see "Friendship" with my husband and a friend. My husband and I loved it; my friend found it too uncomfortably awkward. My husband and I have a very high threshold for enjoying cringe, apparently!
I have a feeling you would love this movie. ;)
(It also has the funniest ever drug trip scene I have ever seen in a movie!)
OMG, I know, I Think You Should Leave is soooooo good.
I feel like I can't do justice to the Four Agreements here...Just check it out and see if you like it! For me, it was life changing. I still re-read parts of it every now and then.
This is a description I found online:
In The Four Agreements, shamanic teacher and healer Don Miguel Ruiz exposes self-limiting beliefs and presents a simple yet effective code of personal conduct learned from his Toltec ancestors. The four agreements are these: Be impeccable with your word. Don't take anything personally. Don't make assumptions. Always do your best. It's the how and why one should do these things that make The Four Agreements worth reading and remembering.
As usual, I am so touched by the courage of the writer and the practical and open hearted reply from Heather, and the generous recognition in the comments section. I’ve been feeling a bit like this of late too. The old anxious attachment can kick up such a storm in our (my) head and we (I) do ourselves (myself) a disservice by believing it is true. I needed to hear this today. Thank you as always.
I'm so glad to hear that! It's SO hard to quiet that anxious knee-jerk reaction, and it's so hard to stop yourself from telling sad stories about what a reject you are or how mean people are when you feel that way. The world is much more benign than most of us imagine. It took me years to understand that, because anxious attachment creates so much turmoil and doubt and shame inside your body that you can't see straight.
One good rule of thumb: Wait until you feel relaxed and happy, then ask yourself if there is DEFINITELY a problem. The storms always pass and you can see: "Everything is fine. I need to trust that more often."
Ok, I have a thought and I'm trying to figure out how to put it. Here goes...
I think people lived in the same place for a loooonnnng time, and who are generally comfortable with having friends, are too busy HAVING friends to make new friends.
Like, if my schedule is full, and I don't want to lose any of the friends I already have, there does come a point where even if someone is lovely, I literally do not have the bandwidth to be friends with them. This is even more true because I have a lot of family members, a church, and an art studio. So, if I don't want to schedule a plan outside of casual aquaintence, it's NOT because of something you are failing at or lacking! Honestly some of my favorite people are just aquaintences. I'm like, "wow, I'm so glad I get to see that person at the art studio! Lucky me!" but I also feel totally comfortable leaving it at that. I live in a big city with many special and cool people, and if I tried to be friends with ALL OF THEM it would be impossible.
Beautiful letter and reply. Just want to add the age-old wisdom that being interested in other people makes you interesting to them. When you are caught up in your own likeability or desirability, it makes you less interested in others, which then makes you less interesting to them. I see it happen all the time. Everyone is the main character in their own story, everyone is a plant that wants to be watered. We are all the same in that way, whether we are a gardenia or a prickly succulent. This is where the softness that Polly referenced comes in to play. If you soften the voices in your head about yourself (shame, fear) and you turn outward to be interested in others, friendship will bloom. The fact that you took the time to write a letter about this shows how open you are. Honor that. Keep going.
My number one tip for making new friends is PLAN THINGS. You meet someone in the wild who seems cool? Get their contact info (Instagram, phone number, whatever) and then the next day reach out and say “Hey it was great meeting you? Would you like to do [X] with me this weekend?” If they say they are busy, follow up once or twice with other plans. Send silly memes to stay connected in between.
I have made SEVERAL very close friends by meeting them once and then saying “I have a cabin trip planned with my friends in a couple weeks. Would you like to come? You may have to sleep on a couch so you won’t have to pay anything, just show up!” These trips started with maybe 3 of us, and now… sometimes we get 15-20 people. Turns out the type people I love are ones who will say “Sure. I don’t know anybody who will be there, but you don’t seem like a murderer so I will show up.” This is an advanced technique, so don’t feel bad if you start with just going to a museum or a coffee shop or a walk through a park or whatever is happening that strikes your fancy. But reaching out, following up, staying connected, and making plans has been The Way for me.
Another much easier technique for breaking the ice with strangers has been keeping a variety of fidget toys in my purse. If I’m standing around somewhere and see someone ELSE just standing around not really engaged with anybody I sidle up to them and say “Hey, do you like fidget toys?” If they say “umm… no?” I say “I bet I have SOMETHING in here that will click.” And then I pull out one at a time and let them try them. Is this highly strange and neurodivergent? Probably. But it’s also harmless and I’ve had a 100% success rate with them feeling more included.
Turns out you can also just walk up to a group of people who seem cool. Break the ice by complimenting somebody on something. Then be honest and say “I don’t know anybody here. What are you guys talking about?” Usually they’ll let you hang around for a little while and be part of the conversation. If you click, follow the above steps and exchange contact info and then follow up to invite them to something.
Making friends is HARD. But it’s not impossible.
I like the idea of just saying, "I don't know anyone here"!!
Heather, What a great answer, the entire reply!
“Detach yourself from predetermined outcome.”
Leading with an open mind, and a positive attitude, is good for our mental health. The older I get, the more I ask myself if new people are right for me rather than if they think I am “okay.” I know that hurt is a possibility in any relationship, and I know the right friendship is worth that risk.
Yeah, I think the less you go to "do people find me acceptable?" and the more you ask "is this really a person I enjoy?" the more life improves. Being picky is good for you at times and also teaches you that you don't have to grovel or feel shitty if something doesn't work, you can just... let it go and move forward.
And absolutely, the truly good, mutually enthusiastic friendships are so invaluable. You can forget that those kinds of friendships exist if you get too hung up on people who withhold their enthusiasm or seem indifferent.
This is an area of real struggle for me right now. I am recently separated from my wife, and I am struggling with friendships. I have found that, generally, when my wife and I would do something with another couple, it would be the wives organizing it. I don’t have a wife now to do that. And most of my friends are married, and they want to support their wives, who want to support my wife, so I don’t get to have them as friends.
So I have made an effort to reach out to other friends and meet with them. And that has worked somewhat. I’ll reach out, arrange a breakfast meeting, we will get together, the conversation will flow well, it will be a great time, and as near as I can tell, they enjoy it too. Then I never hear from them again. If I contact them again, they are happy to get together, but they will never ever reciprocate and invite me. This happens with most of my friends. It’s hard to always have to be the one to initiate, and it is hard not to take it personally.
A lot of people in the chat were talking about lack of reciprocation also. I know how irritating that can be. I used to feel strongly that people should reciprocate and if they didn't, that said something. Lately what I'm noticing is that the person who initially makes a plan often gets viewed as the organizer of that friendship. Same with a circle of friends. The first person to make a plan is sometimes seen as the leader of that group, or the one who'll get the ball rolling. I have a group of friends who always rely on me to make things happen. I have another group where another woman is the one who organizes us. It's not exactly fair, but I do think it's rarely personal. Over time (years!) it changes, but it takes a long time for friendships to feel very easy and organic.
When you're kind of in the middle of a crisis where you don't have enough friends, these things feel extremely taxing and and frustrating. But what are the major ills that come from sticking your neck out repeatedly? When I moved across the country, I was basically willing to put in a ton of effort. I had to. I had one friend in town! Now, thanks to the fact that I was relentless and made a lot of plans and also said yes to everything and also got out of the house a lot for the first time (as someone who was previously a home body), I have a lot of friends I love. As difficult as it can be, it gets results. If you have a good time, I say keep going back for more and don't overthink it if you can help it.
Thank you for the reply Polly. Truly. It made me cry a bit. I just laughed thinking when I do the same with potential friends as I did with man... Thank you for your letter ❤️ I will stay open!!
This is soooo relatable. I think almost everyone - even people who seem like it's so easy for them - have struggled with this one time or another.
And I think Polly is SPOT ON, as usual. You just have to accept that it's okay to get your feelings hurt, and expect that it will happen. At some point, defensively protecting yourself becomes more painful than just getting your feelings hurt.
Two things that helped me (in addition to expecting to be hurt, and accepting when it does, which is really, the main thing):
1) At some point, probably thanks to my fondness for comedians who lean into this - like Tim Robinson - I developed a love of awkward and cringey moments in my personal life. It really helps when you have a bad, awkward interaction and later you realize that it was really, really funny! Sometimes, it's even funny in the moment, which is the best. Now, at the same time that I feel embarrassed in a moment of awkward social interaction gone bad, some part of me is finding it funny and already turning it into an anecdote for later. If you can entertain your boyfriend (and going forward, your friends!) with these stories afterwards, it's like magic, like turning dross into gold. Try it! It's fun! (Oh! Also, the movie "Friendship" is basically a whole movie about Tim Robinson embarrassing himself over and over in his attempts to befriend Paul Rudd, and it is PERFECTION. I laughed really hard through the whole thing.)
2) The book "The Four Agreements," has chapters about taking nothing personally and not making assumptions. I read, and re-read these sections many times. The way the author articulates this advice is so healing and helpful. Or at least it was to me!
I think you are well on your way to making friends. You seem to have a lot of self-awareness and a strong desire for friendship, which are both exactly what you need. Good luck out there! :)
This is great! I have to watch that movie!!! And you're right, awkwardness is hilarious. My husband has started to say to the kids, when they talk about avoiding awkward things, "Literally EVERYTHING is awkward. Socializing is always awkward. Parties are awkward." In other words, there's no reason to get nervous or worked up or feel like you're getting it wrong. The whole social world is one awkward moment after another. It's funny and it's also TOTALLY FINE.
ha ha! Yes. EMBRACE THE AWKWARDNESS.
I went to see "Friendship" with my husband and a friend. My husband and I loved it; my friend found it too uncomfortably awkward. My husband and I have a very high threshold for enjoying cringe, apparently!
I have a feeling you would love this movie. ;)
(It also has the funniest ever drug trip scene I have ever seen in a movie!)
I've never heard of this Four Agreements book! What's it about?
I'm also a huuuuuge Tim Robinson fan. My partner and I quote I Think You Should Leave literally every single day. :-)
OMG, I know, I Think You Should Leave is soooooo good.
I feel like I can't do justice to the Four Agreements here...Just check it out and see if you like it! For me, it was life changing. I still re-read parts of it every now and then.
This is a description I found online:
In The Four Agreements, shamanic teacher and healer Don Miguel Ruiz exposes self-limiting beliefs and presents a simple yet effective code of personal conduct learned from his Toltec ancestors. The four agreements are these: Be impeccable with your word. Don't take anything personally. Don't make assumptions. Always do your best. It's the how and why one should do these things that make The Four Agreements worth reading and remembering.
As usual, I am so touched by the courage of the writer and the practical and open hearted reply from Heather, and the generous recognition in the comments section. I’ve been feeling a bit like this of late too. The old anxious attachment can kick up such a storm in our (my) head and we (I) do ourselves (myself) a disservice by believing it is true. I needed to hear this today. Thank you as always.
I'm so glad to hear that! It's SO hard to quiet that anxious knee-jerk reaction, and it's so hard to stop yourself from telling sad stories about what a reject you are or how mean people are when you feel that way. The world is much more benign than most of us imagine. It took me years to understand that, because anxious attachment creates so much turmoil and doubt and shame inside your body that you can't see straight.
One good rule of thumb: Wait until you feel relaxed and happy, then ask yourself if there is DEFINITELY a problem. The storms always pass and you can see: "Everything is fine. I need to trust that more often."
Ok, I have a thought and I'm trying to figure out how to put it. Here goes...
I think people lived in the same place for a loooonnnng time, and who are generally comfortable with having friends, are too busy HAVING friends to make new friends.
Like, if my schedule is full, and I don't want to lose any of the friends I already have, there does come a point where even if someone is lovely, I literally do not have the bandwidth to be friends with them. This is even more true because I have a lot of family members, a church, and an art studio. So, if I don't want to schedule a plan outside of casual aquaintence, it's NOT because of something you are failing at or lacking! Honestly some of my favorite people are just aquaintences. I'm like, "wow, I'm so glad I get to see that person at the art studio! Lucky me!" but I also feel totally comfortable leaving it at that. I live in a big city with many special and cool people, and if I tried to be friends with ALL OF THEM it would be impossible.
Beautiful letter and reply. Just want to add the age-old wisdom that being interested in other people makes you interesting to them. When you are caught up in your own likeability or desirability, it makes you less interested in others, which then makes you less interesting to them. I see it happen all the time. Everyone is the main character in their own story, everyone is a plant that wants to be watered. We are all the same in that way, whether we are a gardenia or a prickly succulent. This is where the softness that Polly referenced comes in to play. If you soften the voices in your head about yourself (shame, fear) and you turn outward to be interested in others, friendship will bloom. The fact that you took the time to write a letter about this shows how open you are. Honor that. Keep going.
Funny, the song that was on the radio when I first read this headline was The Beatles' "Help!"
Polly, this is so good, so crispy clear and on point. ALL HAIL THE CAPS LOCK.