My number one tip for making new friends is PLAN THINGS. You meet someone in the wild who seems cool? Get their contact info (Instagram, phone number, whatever) and then the next day reach out and say “Hey it was great meeting you? Would you like to do [X] with me this weekend?” If they say they are busy, follow up once or twice with other plans. Send silly memes to stay connected in between.
I have made SEVERAL very close friends by meeting them once and then saying “I have a cabin trip planned with my friends in a couple weeks. Would you like to come? You may have to sleep on a couch so you won’t have to pay anything, just show up!” These trips started with maybe 3 of us, and now… sometimes we get 15-20 people. Turns out the type people I love are ones who will say “Sure. I don’t know anybody who will be there, but you don’t seem like a murderer so I will show up.” This is an advanced technique, so don’t feel bad if you start with just going to a museum or a coffee shop or a walk through a park or whatever is happening that strikes your fancy. But reaching out, following up, staying connected, and making plans has been The Way for me.
Another much easier technique for breaking the ice with strangers has been keeping a variety of fidget toys in my purse. If I’m standing around somewhere and see someone ELSE just standing around not really engaged with anybody I sidle up to them and say “Hey, do you like fidget toys?” If they say “umm… no?” I say “I bet I have SOMETHING in here that will click.” And then I pull out one at a time and let them try them. Is this highly strange and neurodivergent? Probably. But it’s also harmless and I’ve had a 100% success rate with them feeling more included.
Turns out you can also just walk up to a group of people who seem cool. Break the ice by complimenting somebody on something. Then be honest and say “I don’t know anybody here. What are you guys talking about?” Usually they’ll let you hang around for a little while and be part of the conversation. If you click, follow the above steps and exchange contact info and then follow up to invite them to something.
Leading with an open mind, and a positive attitude, is good for our mental health. The older I get, the more I ask myself if new people are right for me rather than if they think I am “okay.” I know that hurt is a possibility in any relationship, and I know the right friendship is worth that risk.
Yeah, I think the less you go to "do people find me acceptable?" and the more you ask "is this really a person I enjoy?" the more life improves. Being picky is good for you at times and also teaches you that you don't have to grovel or feel shitty if something doesn't work, you can just... let it go and move forward.
And absolutely, the truly good, mutually enthusiastic friendships are so invaluable. You can forget that those kinds of friendships exist if you get too hung up on people who withhold their enthusiasm or seem indifferent.
This is an area of real struggle for me right now. I am recently separated from my wife, and I am struggling with friendships. I have found that, generally, when my wife and I would do something with another couple, it would be the wives organizing it. I don’t have a wife now to do that. And most of my friends are married, and they want to support their wives, who want to support my wife, so I don’t get to have them as friends.
So I have made an effort to reach out to other friends and meet with them. And that has worked somewhat. I’ll reach out, arrange a breakfast meeting, we will get together, the conversation will flow well, it will be a great time, and as near as I can tell, they enjoy it too. Then I never hear from them again. If I contact them again, they are happy to get together, but they will never ever reciprocate and invite me. This happens with most of my friends. It’s hard to always have to be the one to initiate, and it is hard not to take it personally.
A lot of people in the chat were talking about lack of reciprocation also. I know how irritating that can be. I used to feel strongly that people should reciprocate and if they didn't, that said something. Lately what I'm noticing is that the person who initially makes a plan often gets viewed as the organizer of that friendship. Same with a circle of friends. The first person to make a plan is sometimes seen as the leader of that group, or the one who'll get the ball rolling. I have a group of friends who always rely on me to make things happen. I have another group where another woman is the one who organizes us. It's not exactly fair, but I do think it's rarely personal. Over time (years!) it changes, but it takes a long time for friendships to feel very easy and organic.
When you're kind of in the middle of a crisis where you don't have enough friends, these things feel extremely taxing and and frustrating. But what are the major ills that come from sticking your neck out repeatedly? When I moved across the country, I was basically willing to put in a ton of effort. I had to. I had one friend in town! Now, thanks to the fact that I was relentless and made a lot of plans and also said yes to everything and also got out of the house a lot for the first time (as someone who was previously a home body), I have a lot of friends I love. As difficult as it can be, it gets results. If you have a good time, I say keep going back for more and don't overthink it if you can help it.
I’m the planner in my group and I recently had a friend reach out to ask my permission to plan a group thing! Somehow she thought she’d be stepping on my toes or offending me somehow? I put another friend in charge of planning my bachelorette and she called me in tears a few weeks before it was supposed to happen saying she was failing and asked me to step in and help, which I did, but tbh I thought she had done a great job and really appreciated all the effort she put in.
The lack of reciprocation can be weird, but I don’t think it comes from a place of bad faith or a lack of interest. People just fall into certain roles and patterns. I don’t even think I’m a particularly good planner, but the other option is never seeing my friends so I do it happily. (And the added benefit is I rarely have to go to a restaurant or event that I’m not that interested in. For major trips I always get first dibs on sleeping arrangements. I don’t get FOMO because I get to pick when and where we get together based on my own schedule and curate the vibe that I’m feeling at the moment. I can delegate out the things I don’t want to handle. And it’s far from a thankless job.)
My first thought is, these are probably busy people with a lot of things going on in their lives, so the threshold of energy it takes to reach out to a new acquaintance might just be a little higher than they have available slack for. In other words, it's probably nothing personal.
You are in a new position, of needing to do more work to begin filling your life (and therefore your schedule) with new friends. So take Nell's advice above, and keep following up, inviting them to something actually interesting and fun, maybe even quirky and unexpected -- or at least another lunch or coffee. If they say yes, and if you know you're both having a good time, then after several meetings you'll both begin to feel more connected, and it might be easier for them to reach back.
MV: BTW, I hope my implication was clear: someday when you have lots of ongoing, active friendships again, you might be the person who isn't reaching back to the friendly acquaintance who invited you a couple of times! Which won't mean you're a jerk, just that you'll be making different choices about where to spend your finite energy.
Oh! I have a story on this subject. I had a casual friend who I thought was super cool but who almost never reciprocated with plans or texts or anything. During the pandemic, I let go of trying to reach out; everything felt so difficult! And then one day I was walking down the street and I heard my name getting yelled and there she was, literally running and shouting to catch up to me. She was so stoked to see me! And I realized that I was actually pretty important to her as a friend, and she was simply crap at initiating and planning things. Epilogue: a couple of years later she was diagnosed with ADHD (in her fifties!) and she attributes a lot of her challenges around creating plans to that. We are much closer now, and I’m happy to do all the planning and reaching out because I know that she loves me back and appreciates my efforts.
Beautiful letter and reply. Just want to add the age-old wisdom that being interested in other people makes you interesting to them. When you are caught up in your own likeability or desirability, it makes you less interested in others, which then makes you less interesting to them. I see it happen all the time. Everyone is the main character in their own story, everyone is a plant that wants to be watered. We are all the same in that way, whether we are a gardenia or a prickly succulent. This is where the softness that Polly referenced comes in to play. If you soften the voices in your head about yourself (shame, fear) and you turn outward to be interested in others, friendship will bloom. The fact that you took the time to write a letter about this shows how open you are. Honor that. Keep going.
This is soooo relatable. I think almost everyone - even people who seem like it's so easy for them - have struggled with this one time or another.
And I think Polly is SPOT ON, as usual. You just have to accept that it's okay to get your feelings hurt, and expect that it will happen. At some point, defensively protecting yourself becomes more painful than just getting your feelings hurt.
Two things that helped me (in addition to expecting to be hurt, and accepting when it does, which is really, the main thing):
1) At some point, probably thanks to my fondness for comedians who lean into this - like Tim Robinson - I developed a love of awkward and cringey moments in my personal life. It really helps when you have a bad, awkward interaction and later you realize that it was really, really funny! Sometimes, it's even funny in the moment, which is the best. Now, at the same time that I feel embarrassed in a moment of awkward social interaction gone bad, some part of me is finding it funny and already turning it into an anecdote for later. If you can entertain your boyfriend (and going forward, your friends!) with these stories afterwards, it's like magic, like turning dross into gold. Try it! It's fun! (Oh! Also, the movie "Friendship" is basically a whole movie about Tim Robinson embarrassing himself over and over in his attempts to befriend Paul Rudd, and it is PERFECTION. I laughed really hard through the whole thing.)
2) The book "The Four Agreements," has chapters about taking nothing personally and not making assumptions. I read, and re-read these sections many times. The way the author articulates this advice is so healing and helpful. Or at least it was to me!
I think you are well on your way to making friends. You seem to have a lot of self-awareness and a strong desire for friendship, which are both exactly what you need. Good luck out there! :)
This is great! I have to watch that movie!!! And you're right, awkwardness is hilarious. My husband has started to say to the kids, when they talk about avoiding awkward things, "Literally EVERYTHING is awkward. Socializing is always awkward. Parties are awkward." In other words, there's no reason to get nervous or worked up or feel like you're getting it wrong. The whole social world is one awkward moment after another. It's funny and it's also TOTALLY FINE.
I went to see "Friendship" with my husband and a friend. My husband and I loved it; my friend found it too uncomfortably awkward. My husband and I have a very high threshold for enjoying cringe, apparently!
I have a feeling you would love this movie. ;)
(It also has the funniest ever drug trip scene I have ever seen in a movie!)
OMG, I know, I Think You Should Leave is soooooo good.
I feel like I can't do justice to the Four Agreements here...Just check it out and see if you like it! For me, it was life changing. I still re-read parts of it every now and then.
This is a description I found online:
In The Four Agreements, shamanic teacher and healer Don Miguel Ruiz exposes self-limiting beliefs and presents a simple yet effective code of personal conduct learned from his Toltec ancestors. The four agreements are these: Be impeccable with your word. Don't take anything personally. Don't make assumptions. Always do your best. It's the how and why one should do these things that make The Four Agreements worth reading and remembering.
Thank you for the reply Polly. Truly. It made me cry a bit. I just laughed thinking when I do the same with potential friends as I did with man... Thank you for your letter ❤️ I will stay open!!
As usual, I am so touched by the courage of the writer and the practical and open hearted reply from Heather, and the generous recognition in the comments section. I’ve been feeling a bit like this of late too. The old anxious attachment can kick up such a storm in our (my) head and we (I) do ourselves (myself) a disservice by believing it is true. I needed to hear this today. Thank you as always.
I'm so glad to hear that! It's SO hard to quiet that anxious knee-jerk reaction, and it's so hard to stop yourself from telling sad stories about what a reject you are or how mean people are when you feel that way. The world is much more benign than most of us imagine. It took me years to understand that, because anxious attachment creates so much turmoil and doubt and shame inside your body that you can't see straight.
One good rule of thumb: Wait until you feel relaxed and happy, then ask yourself if there is DEFINITELY a problem. The storms always pass and you can see: "Everything is fine. I need to trust that more often."
Ok, I have a thought and I'm trying to figure out how to put it. Here goes...
I think people who have lived in the same place for a loooonnnng time, and who are generally comfortable with having friends, are too busy HAVING friends to make new friends.
Like, if my schedule is full, and I don't want to lose any of the friends I already have, there does come a point where even if someone is lovely, I literally do not have the bandwidth to be friends with them. This is even more true because I have a lot of family members, a church, and an art studio. So, if I don't want to schedule a plan outside of casual aquaintence, it's NOT because of something you are failing at or lacking! Honestly some of my favorite people are just aquaintences. I'm like, "wow, I'm so glad I get to see that person at the art studio! Lucky me!" but I also feel totally comfortable leaving it at that. I live in a big city with many special and cool people, and if I tried to be friends with ALL OF THEM it would be impossible.
One thing that made me feel looser about making new friends was taking a little time to appreciate my longtime friends. I have a few friends who I've known since childhood, high school, or college, and most of them live far away. In the middle of my pretty friendless 20s, I had a realization: those relationships are very special, and I couldn't expect any new friendship to feel like those friendships. I couldn't try to *replace* my old friends, I had to feel how deep my love was for them, those specific people. I started to tell my old friends how much I love them more often. That made it feel a bit easier to keep putting myself out there for potential new connections, and to imagine that my social life was much more diverse and vibrant than I originally thought, made up of old friends, new friends, family, various levels of acquaintances, coworkers... my 30s have been much more socially fulfilling so far than my 20s ever were.
I've just been reading all the comments on the new chat thread and wanted to add some perspective from someone who is very friendship blessed (sorry to be braggadocious!) + currently a lamentably tough-to-pin-down-friend. In my early twenties I prided myself on being extremely dependable and present — I texted back straight away, I said yes to every plan. I didn’t expect perfectly symmetrical reciprocity, but I didn’t have a lot of time for perceived flakiness (deep down, it reminded me of feeling excluded as a young kid). And now that I have more on my plate — family stuff, mental health stuff, career stuff, a serious relationship — I have a lot more grace, and a lot more gratitude for the grace being given to me. (1. Flakiness is so rarely personal 2. We’re ALL being given grace for things other than flakiness, I promise!)
Aside from this little spiel, as someone who considers herself devoted to the practice of friendship. I have some tips:
1. You might have more luck making friends at clubs and hobby groups if you just show up to earnestly enjoy the hobby! I am echoing Heather here about the stakes, but also, I think you'll have better luck finding kindred spirits if you're turning up to events or activities you really care about.
2. One of my favourite Ask Polly columns/one that has been so important to me is her piece about Hearts Being Slow. I think it’s as important to bear in mind with friendship as with romance. I think when we imagine the fantasy of the sitcom gang, we forget that those types of groups (even on tv!) are the product of years of entanglement. Sometimes what we defensively label “matching people’s energy” could more constructively be described as “matching people’s pace”.
3. Not all friends have to be (or can be!) all things at all times. Maybe your close friend this year will move and they’ll become a correspondence friend. Maybe you just met someone flakey but soooo fun.
4. Maybe see if you can shift your focus from acquisition to generosity. Just try to be a kinder, more open person, and see what happens. E.g. Even if the people at your workplace don’t seem like your cup of tea, they’re people you can practice being warm and open with. Maybe bake them something! Bonus: you won’t be wanting anything from them, so you can practice giving with no expectations.
5. Don’t underestimate the potential for minor characters from your past or present to flourish into big friendships. Any kind of connective tissue that already exists can make starting a friendship that much easier. E.g. someone who you went to college with, who you barely ever spoke to but hey, it turns out you live in the same town now.
6. Friendship is a huge investment that yields huge rewards. Like, literally extends your life expectancy. It isn’t a coincidence that it requires so much from you, especially when it feels like you’re starting from scratch. Just because your efforts haven’t landed you a dream social scene yet, doesn’t mean you’re not on the right path. You could meet someone tomorrow who folds you into their big community and be set for the rest of your life! Or maybe you’ll meet some incredible friends through someone who is just a friendly acquaintance.
I loved this column and all of the thoughtful comments. Like the letter writer, I feel disappointed and dissatisfied by my social life now. I’ve lived in 9 cities in the last 10 years, and naturally all of that moving came at the cost of building deeply rooted relationships. My closest friends are my college friends, the friendships I nurtured before moving abroad— but it certainly isn’t easy to maintain far-away friendships year after year. I have such a vast old-friend-graveyard of friends I loved and left behind. And now that my boundless semi-short-sighted idealism is fading a bit (due to reaching my late 20s), I’ve never felt farther away from my dreams of a loving, exuberant, local-to-the-same-city friend group. Reading everyone’s comments here gave me a sense of relief and inspiration— building close friendships isn’t automatic for anyone! But it’s also imminently possible! And none of the false-starts or dashed hopes are all that personal. Thanks everyone for the reminders.
There is always something that hits and sticks when I read Polly, and I often save quotes and lines from them, but I've never felt so much like a column is talking to me directly than when reading this. Friendship and my lack of friends have been the biggest struggle and insecurity for me over the past several years.
Reading this made me see that I have some of those bad habits like dwelling on rejections and telling myself the same sad story about myself when it comes to friendship. I've never felt so called out, yet so hopeful.
So many insights and mindset shifts (and actions!) that I hope to take with me in my friendship journey going forward. Thank you so much for writing this <3
I really loved this piece! I especially loved the reminder of allowing yourself to be loose and imperfect. Because it's so easy to think you need to be like the perfect version of yourself before stepping into a social interaction, but when I think about all the best friendships and connections I've had they nearly always started sooooooo messsssyyyyyyyyy 🤭
My number one tip for making new friends is PLAN THINGS. You meet someone in the wild who seems cool? Get their contact info (Instagram, phone number, whatever) and then the next day reach out and say “Hey it was great meeting you? Would you like to do [X] with me this weekend?” If they say they are busy, follow up once or twice with other plans. Send silly memes to stay connected in between.
I have made SEVERAL very close friends by meeting them once and then saying “I have a cabin trip planned with my friends in a couple weeks. Would you like to come? You may have to sleep on a couch so you won’t have to pay anything, just show up!” These trips started with maybe 3 of us, and now… sometimes we get 15-20 people. Turns out the type people I love are ones who will say “Sure. I don’t know anybody who will be there, but you don’t seem like a murderer so I will show up.” This is an advanced technique, so don’t feel bad if you start with just going to a museum or a coffee shop or a walk through a park or whatever is happening that strikes your fancy. But reaching out, following up, staying connected, and making plans has been The Way for me.
Another much easier technique for breaking the ice with strangers has been keeping a variety of fidget toys in my purse. If I’m standing around somewhere and see someone ELSE just standing around not really engaged with anybody I sidle up to them and say “Hey, do you like fidget toys?” If they say “umm… no?” I say “I bet I have SOMETHING in here that will click.” And then I pull out one at a time and let them try them. Is this highly strange and neurodivergent? Probably. But it’s also harmless and I’ve had a 100% success rate with them feeling more included.
Turns out you can also just walk up to a group of people who seem cool. Break the ice by complimenting somebody on something. Then be honest and say “I don’t know anybody here. What are you guys talking about?” Usually they’ll let you hang around for a little while and be part of the conversation. If you click, follow the above steps and exchange contact info and then follow up to invite them to something.
Making friends is HARD. But it’s not impossible.
I like the idea of just saying, "I don't know anyone here"!!
All of this is GOLD
Heather, What a great answer, the entire reply!
“Detach yourself from predetermined outcome.”
Leading with an open mind, and a positive attitude, is good for our mental health. The older I get, the more I ask myself if new people are right for me rather than if they think I am “okay.” I know that hurt is a possibility in any relationship, and I know the right friendship is worth that risk.
Yeah, I think the less you go to "do people find me acceptable?" and the more you ask "is this really a person I enjoy?" the more life improves. Being picky is good for you at times and also teaches you that you don't have to grovel or feel shitty if something doesn't work, you can just... let it go and move forward.
And absolutely, the truly good, mutually enthusiastic friendships are so invaluable. You can forget that those kinds of friendships exist if you get too hung up on people who withhold their enthusiasm or seem indifferent.
This is an area of real struggle for me right now. I am recently separated from my wife, and I am struggling with friendships. I have found that, generally, when my wife and I would do something with another couple, it would be the wives organizing it. I don’t have a wife now to do that. And most of my friends are married, and they want to support their wives, who want to support my wife, so I don’t get to have them as friends.
So I have made an effort to reach out to other friends and meet with them. And that has worked somewhat. I’ll reach out, arrange a breakfast meeting, we will get together, the conversation will flow well, it will be a great time, and as near as I can tell, they enjoy it too. Then I never hear from them again. If I contact them again, they are happy to get together, but they will never ever reciprocate and invite me. This happens with most of my friends. It’s hard to always have to be the one to initiate, and it is hard not to take it personally.
A lot of people in the chat were talking about lack of reciprocation also. I know how irritating that can be. I used to feel strongly that people should reciprocate and if they didn't, that said something. Lately what I'm noticing is that the person who initially makes a plan often gets viewed as the organizer of that friendship. Same with a circle of friends. The first person to make a plan is sometimes seen as the leader of that group, or the one who'll get the ball rolling. I have a group of friends who always rely on me to make things happen. I have another group where another woman is the one who organizes us. It's not exactly fair, but I do think it's rarely personal. Over time (years!) it changes, but it takes a long time for friendships to feel very easy and organic.
When you're kind of in the middle of a crisis where you don't have enough friends, these things feel extremely taxing and and frustrating. But what are the major ills that come from sticking your neck out repeatedly? When I moved across the country, I was basically willing to put in a ton of effort. I had to. I had one friend in town! Now, thanks to the fact that I was relentless and made a lot of plans and also said yes to everything and also got out of the house a lot for the first time (as someone who was previously a home body), I have a lot of friends I love. As difficult as it can be, it gets results. If you have a good time, I say keep going back for more and don't overthink it if you can help it.
I’m the planner in my group and I recently had a friend reach out to ask my permission to plan a group thing! Somehow she thought she’d be stepping on my toes or offending me somehow? I put another friend in charge of planning my bachelorette and she called me in tears a few weeks before it was supposed to happen saying she was failing and asked me to step in and help, which I did, but tbh I thought she had done a great job and really appreciated all the effort she put in.
The lack of reciprocation can be weird, but I don’t think it comes from a place of bad faith or a lack of interest. People just fall into certain roles and patterns. I don’t even think I’m a particularly good planner, but the other option is never seeing my friends so I do it happily. (And the added benefit is I rarely have to go to a restaurant or event that I’m not that interested in. For major trips I always get first dibs on sleeping arrangements. I don’t get FOMO because I get to pick when and where we get together based on my own schedule and curate the vibe that I’m feeling at the moment. I can delegate out the things I don’t want to handle. And it’s far from a thankless job.)
My first thought is, these are probably busy people with a lot of things going on in their lives, so the threshold of energy it takes to reach out to a new acquaintance might just be a little higher than they have available slack for. In other words, it's probably nothing personal.
You are in a new position, of needing to do more work to begin filling your life (and therefore your schedule) with new friends. So take Nell's advice above, and keep following up, inviting them to something actually interesting and fun, maybe even quirky and unexpected -- or at least another lunch or coffee. If they say yes, and if you know you're both having a good time, then after several meetings you'll both begin to feel more connected, and it might be easier for them to reach back.
Frank Bruni wrote a beautiful article "The Friends Who Got Away" https://www.nytimes.com/2024/03/14/opinion/friend-breakup-friendship.html?unlocked_article_code=1.GFA.1QcP.rFwP2qbJ6gxU&smid=url-share where he realizes why so many friends have slipped away over the years. Hint: we don't have infinite energy, so even a small shift in circumstances can result in a friend slipping outside our "regular contact" circle, even if you still like them and care about them just as much as before.
MV: BTW, I hope my implication was clear: someday when you have lots of ongoing, active friendships again, you might be the person who isn't reaching back to the friendly acquaintance who invited you a couple of times! Which won't mean you're a jerk, just that you'll be making different choices about where to spend your finite energy.
Oh! I have a story on this subject. I had a casual friend who I thought was super cool but who almost never reciprocated with plans or texts or anything. During the pandemic, I let go of trying to reach out; everything felt so difficult! And then one day I was walking down the street and I heard my name getting yelled and there she was, literally running and shouting to catch up to me. She was so stoked to see me! And I realized that I was actually pretty important to her as a friend, and she was simply crap at initiating and planning things. Epilogue: a couple of years later she was diagnosed with ADHD (in her fifties!) and she attributes a lot of her challenges around creating plans to that. We are much closer now, and I’m happy to do all the planning and reaching out because I know that she loves me back and appreciates my efforts.
Beautiful letter and reply. Just want to add the age-old wisdom that being interested in other people makes you interesting to them. When you are caught up in your own likeability or desirability, it makes you less interested in others, which then makes you less interesting to them. I see it happen all the time. Everyone is the main character in their own story, everyone is a plant that wants to be watered. We are all the same in that way, whether we are a gardenia or a prickly succulent. This is where the softness that Polly referenced comes in to play. If you soften the voices in your head about yourself (shame, fear) and you turn outward to be interested in others, friendship will bloom. The fact that you took the time to write a letter about this shows how open you are. Honor that. Keep going.
This is soooo relatable. I think almost everyone - even people who seem like it's so easy for them - have struggled with this one time or another.
And I think Polly is SPOT ON, as usual. You just have to accept that it's okay to get your feelings hurt, and expect that it will happen. At some point, defensively protecting yourself becomes more painful than just getting your feelings hurt.
Two things that helped me (in addition to expecting to be hurt, and accepting when it does, which is really, the main thing):
1) At some point, probably thanks to my fondness for comedians who lean into this - like Tim Robinson - I developed a love of awkward and cringey moments in my personal life. It really helps when you have a bad, awkward interaction and later you realize that it was really, really funny! Sometimes, it's even funny in the moment, which is the best. Now, at the same time that I feel embarrassed in a moment of awkward social interaction gone bad, some part of me is finding it funny and already turning it into an anecdote for later. If you can entertain your boyfriend (and going forward, your friends!) with these stories afterwards, it's like magic, like turning dross into gold. Try it! It's fun! (Oh! Also, the movie "Friendship" is basically a whole movie about Tim Robinson embarrassing himself over and over in his attempts to befriend Paul Rudd, and it is PERFECTION. I laughed really hard through the whole thing.)
2) The book "The Four Agreements," has chapters about taking nothing personally and not making assumptions. I read, and re-read these sections many times. The way the author articulates this advice is so healing and helpful. Or at least it was to me!
I think you are well on your way to making friends. You seem to have a lot of self-awareness and a strong desire for friendship, which are both exactly what you need. Good luck out there! :)
This is great! I have to watch that movie!!! And you're right, awkwardness is hilarious. My husband has started to say to the kids, when they talk about avoiding awkward things, "Literally EVERYTHING is awkward. Socializing is always awkward. Parties are awkward." In other words, there's no reason to get nervous or worked up or feel like you're getting it wrong. The whole social world is one awkward moment after another. It's funny and it's also TOTALLY FINE.
ha ha! Yes. EMBRACE THE AWKWARDNESS.
I went to see "Friendship" with my husband and a friend. My husband and I loved it; my friend found it too uncomfortably awkward. My husband and I have a very high threshold for enjoying cringe, apparently!
I have a feeling you would love this movie. ;)
(It also has the funniest ever drug trip scene I have ever seen in a movie!)
I've never heard of this Four Agreements book! What's it about?
I'm also a huuuuuge Tim Robinson fan. My partner and I quote I Think You Should Leave literally every single day. :-)
OMG, I know, I Think You Should Leave is soooooo good.
I feel like I can't do justice to the Four Agreements here...Just check it out and see if you like it! For me, it was life changing. I still re-read parts of it every now and then.
This is a description I found online:
In The Four Agreements, shamanic teacher and healer Don Miguel Ruiz exposes self-limiting beliefs and presents a simple yet effective code of personal conduct learned from his Toltec ancestors. The four agreements are these: Be impeccable with your word. Don't take anything personally. Don't make assumptions. Always do your best. It's the how and why one should do these things that make The Four Agreements worth reading and remembering.
Thank you for the reply Polly. Truly. It made me cry a bit. I just laughed thinking when I do the same with potential friends as I did with man... Thank you for your letter ❤️ I will stay open!!
As usual, I am so touched by the courage of the writer and the practical and open hearted reply from Heather, and the generous recognition in the comments section. I’ve been feeling a bit like this of late too. The old anxious attachment can kick up such a storm in our (my) head and we (I) do ourselves (myself) a disservice by believing it is true. I needed to hear this today. Thank you as always.
I'm so glad to hear that! It's SO hard to quiet that anxious knee-jerk reaction, and it's so hard to stop yourself from telling sad stories about what a reject you are or how mean people are when you feel that way. The world is much more benign than most of us imagine. It took me years to understand that, because anxious attachment creates so much turmoil and doubt and shame inside your body that you can't see straight.
One good rule of thumb: Wait until you feel relaxed and happy, then ask yourself if there is DEFINITELY a problem. The storms always pass and you can see: "Everything is fine. I need to trust that more often."
Ok, I have a thought and I'm trying to figure out how to put it. Here goes...
I think people who have lived in the same place for a loooonnnng time, and who are generally comfortable with having friends, are too busy HAVING friends to make new friends.
Like, if my schedule is full, and I don't want to lose any of the friends I already have, there does come a point where even if someone is lovely, I literally do not have the bandwidth to be friends with them. This is even more true because I have a lot of family members, a church, and an art studio. So, if I don't want to schedule a plan outside of casual aquaintence, it's NOT because of something you are failing at or lacking! Honestly some of my favorite people are just aquaintences. I'm like, "wow, I'm so glad I get to see that person at the art studio! Lucky me!" but I also feel totally comfortable leaving it at that. I live in a big city with many special and cool people, and if I tried to be friends with ALL OF THEM it would be impossible.
My number one tip for making friends is JOIN A CHOIR. Man there is something about singing with people that is SO great for you.
One thing that made me feel looser about making new friends was taking a little time to appreciate my longtime friends. I have a few friends who I've known since childhood, high school, or college, and most of them live far away. In the middle of my pretty friendless 20s, I had a realization: those relationships are very special, and I couldn't expect any new friendship to feel like those friendships. I couldn't try to *replace* my old friends, I had to feel how deep my love was for them, those specific people. I started to tell my old friends how much I love them more often. That made it feel a bit easier to keep putting myself out there for potential new connections, and to imagine that my social life was much more diverse and vibrant than I originally thought, made up of old friends, new friends, family, various levels of acquaintances, coworkers... my 30s have been much more socially fulfilling so far than my 20s ever were.
I've just been reading all the comments on the new chat thread and wanted to add some perspective from someone who is very friendship blessed (sorry to be braggadocious!) + currently a lamentably tough-to-pin-down-friend. In my early twenties I prided myself on being extremely dependable and present — I texted back straight away, I said yes to every plan. I didn’t expect perfectly symmetrical reciprocity, but I didn’t have a lot of time for perceived flakiness (deep down, it reminded me of feeling excluded as a young kid). And now that I have more on my plate — family stuff, mental health stuff, career stuff, a serious relationship — I have a lot more grace, and a lot more gratitude for the grace being given to me. (1. Flakiness is so rarely personal 2. We’re ALL being given grace for things other than flakiness, I promise!)
Aside from this little spiel, as someone who considers herself devoted to the practice of friendship. I have some tips:
1. You might have more luck making friends at clubs and hobby groups if you just show up to earnestly enjoy the hobby! I am echoing Heather here about the stakes, but also, I think you'll have better luck finding kindred spirits if you're turning up to events or activities you really care about.
2. One of my favourite Ask Polly columns/one that has been so important to me is her piece about Hearts Being Slow. I think it’s as important to bear in mind with friendship as with romance. I think when we imagine the fantasy of the sitcom gang, we forget that those types of groups (even on tv!) are the product of years of entanglement. Sometimes what we defensively label “matching people’s energy” could more constructively be described as “matching people’s pace”.
3. Not all friends have to be (or can be!) all things at all times. Maybe your close friend this year will move and they’ll become a correspondence friend. Maybe you just met someone flakey but soooo fun.
4. Maybe see if you can shift your focus from acquisition to generosity. Just try to be a kinder, more open person, and see what happens. E.g. Even if the people at your workplace don’t seem like your cup of tea, they’re people you can practice being warm and open with. Maybe bake them something! Bonus: you won’t be wanting anything from them, so you can practice giving with no expectations.
5. Don’t underestimate the potential for minor characters from your past or present to flourish into big friendships. Any kind of connective tissue that already exists can make starting a friendship that much easier. E.g. someone who you went to college with, who you barely ever spoke to but hey, it turns out you live in the same town now.
6. Friendship is a huge investment that yields huge rewards. Like, literally extends your life expectancy. It isn’t a coincidence that it requires so much from you, especially when it feels like you’re starting from scratch. Just because your efforts haven’t landed you a dream social scene yet, doesn’t mean you’re not on the right path. You could meet someone tomorrow who folds you into their big community and be set for the rest of your life! Or maybe you’ll meet some incredible friends through someone who is just a friendly acquaintance.
I loved this column and all of the thoughtful comments. Like the letter writer, I feel disappointed and dissatisfied by my social life now. I’ve lived in 9 cities in the last 10 years, and naturally all of that moving came at the cost of building deeply rooted relationships. My closest friends are my college friends, the friendships I nurtured before moving abroad— but it certainly isn’t easy to maintain far-away friendships year after year. I have such a vast old-friend-graveyard of friends I loved and left behind. And now that my boundless semi-short-sighted idealism is fading a bit (due to reaching my late 20s), I’ve never felt farther away from my dreams of a loving, exuberant, local-to-the-same-city friend group. Reading everyone’s comments here gave me a sense of relief and inspiration— building close friendships isn’t automatic for anyone! But it’s also imminently possible! And none of the false-starts or dashed hopes are all that personal. Thanks everyone for the reminders.
Funny, the song that was on the radio when I first read this headline was The Beatles' "Help!"
There is always something that hits and sticks when I read Polly, and I often save quotes and lines from them, but I've never felt so much like a column is talking to me directly than when reading this. Friendship and my lack of friends have been the biggest struggle and insecurity for me over the past several years.
Reading this made me see that I have some of those bad habits like dwelling on rejections and telling myself the same sad story about myself when it comes to friendship. I've never felt so called out, yet so hopeful.
So many insights and mindset shifts (and actions!) that I hope to take with me in my friendship journey going forward. Thank you so much for writing this <3
Polly, this is so good, so crispy clear and on point. ALL HAIL THE CAPS LOCK.
I really loved this piece! I especially loved the reminder of allowing yourself to be loose and imperfect. Because it's so easy to think you need to be like the perfect version of yourself before stepping into a social interaction, but when I think about all the best friendships and connections I've had they nearly always started sooooooo messsssyyyyyyyyy 🤭