'Help! I Have No Friends At All!'

Making new friends is a slower process than many of us realize. Be patient, tolerate this trying moment, and keep putting yourself out there.

Nana (1901), Pablo Picasso

Hello Polly.

I have written you a lot of letters, and to be honest every time I wrote a letter it felt cathartic, and even if sometimes I felt disappointed I never got an answer. Every time I read your column, I find comfort, light, warmth, hope, and acceptance (have been doing it since 2015 when I found your column in The Awl). To be honest, your column and my therapist have been a big part of my life, and now I have a better relationship with myself because of it, so I am really thankful for you, your books, and your column.

When I write this, it is from a very different spot than I have written before. Before it was always about a guy that didn’t want me back, and me trying to figure out why I was not enough for this guy (and all the guys before that). Now, well, I am with someone I love who loves me back (some days are hard, some days we fight, some days I wonder honestly if this is too good to be true, but I always try to think about dealing with uncertainty, and reading your column makes me try to not solve all of those puzzles). But this is not about my boyfriend. This about my friends. Well, my lack of them.

You know, I have always struggled to make friends. When I was a kid I was bullied a lot because I was overweight (still am) and during high school I protected myself a lot. It was hard for people to approach me. I used to be that nerdy teenager who always thinks she is the smartest because she likes to read, and thinks less of her classmates who just talk about makeup and clothes, even though secretly she would have died to be as pretty as them or to be friends with them. Because I thought they wouldn’t want to be my friend, and would be bored by talking about Harry Potter and all the books I had read, I just said to myself that they were vain and kind of stupid and not worth of my time. By the end of high school I had made some friends, but to be honest, I always felt like I didn’t have enough friends, or like they didn’t like me enough, that I was just there to fill a space but I wasn’t important for any of them.

This is the feeling that I have when I start to get a new friend. The catalyst for this letter was the fact that I joined a book club to make friends, and I ended up with no friends at all. The book club had an ending party today, and I didn’t go. I honestly felt insecure about how I look (I have gained a lot of weight since the start of the club, so I was embarrassed to go and thought I didn’t have anything to wear. I am vain, and I care a lot about how people think of me.

So I sent a message to the book club chat, and no one replied. I said I could not come but that I had a great time and that I was glad I went to the club. Well, no one even put an emoji on the message. And this is gonna sound so bad, but I got jealous of an old man, that honestly I really like, he is a really fun and sweet person, like a grandparent I never had. He got videos of people telling him how much they are gonna miss him and that they were sad he could not come to the farewell party. I know I didn’t spend enough time in the club, I missed four of the eight sessions. And rationally I know they didn’t share much time with me, but honestly now I’m wondering, am I too lazy to get new friends?

I love my boyfriend but I want to have friends and go to a cafe and talk for hours. (I do that with my boyfriend, too, but with friends it’s different.) I miss my friends from college (I studied abroad so now they are far, far away. We always chat but I miss having someone to call just to hang out.)

I say I want friends, but I missed four of my book club meetings (two because I really could not go, but two and the farewell party because I was ashamed I didn’t have enough time to read, and because I had nothing to wear because nothing fits me anymore). I am a bitter person, Polly, even at work. I start making friends but then I feel like they don’t care enough for me, that they don’t like me enough, that they aren’t honest with me, and then I pull back.

How can I not be bitter with people and stop sabotaging my attempts to make friends?

(Sorry for my English, it is not my first language.)

Bitter Person

Dear Bitter Person,

Thanks for your extremely kind words, I appreciate them a lot. I am feeling a little worried about this column and the world at large, so I really needed to hear that today!

I’m sorry you’re struggling so much with making new friends. I understand exactly how you feel. I’ve felt the same way many times. I’ve often felt that friends don’t care as much about our friendship as I do. And over the past few years, I finally understood at a gut level that this was a bad habit that came from my anxious childhood. So I resolved to ignore my fears and my anxiety and press forward, pursuing friendships, new and old, with enthusiasm. I decided very firmly to stop letting my fear (and my anxiety, my superiority complexes, my self-protective stories, and my last-minute nerves) get in the way of having truly close, rewarding friendships.

I also started to trust my instincts more. I stopped forcing friendships with people who weren’t all in, and I started embracing people who kept showing up, kept expressing interest. I realized that I was actually AFRAID of unabashed enthusiasm from people I didn’t know that well, even though THEY WERE ACTING JUST LIKE ME.

The point is, once you get your own anxieties, shame, and sadness out of the way, you can see more clearly. You can make better decisions. You feel better about sticking your neck out, and you feel proud of yourself instead of ashamed when you do.

Writing this column has helped me a lot. Ask Polly readers have shown me, week after week, that there are so many smart, sensitive, lovable people out there and many of them suffer from the same worries, fears, and defeatist habits. I know now that if I want to be close friends with thoughtful, complex, emotional humans, I need to understand that their behaviors are just as self-protective, moody, and evasive as mine are.

The single best thing I’ve done for my friendships is remind myself of this over and over again: People don’t make their feelings clear at first. They disappear a lot. They are wary of intensity. They are hot and cold. The same person sometimes feels inferior and at other times feels superior, so they can seem vulnerable one day and distant the next.

People also tell themselves stories like: I don’t have time. I have enough friends. She seems difficult. I’ll bet she’s too intense for me. I don’t have enough to say. I am not beautiful enough. I am not worthy of love right now. I am too old for new friends. Everyone has made all of their friends by now. I missed the boat. No one wants to know a (soggy description of self). I seem too eager and it turns people off. I am bad at friendship. I don’t want to get rejected again; it hurt too much last time.

One of my favorite friends said to me a few months ago that staying open always includes getting hurt. If you’re truly welcoming and enthusiastic with people who excite you, you will be rejected often, you will feel pain, and you have to accept that as part of the big picture.

I loved that she included PAIN and HURT in her expectations. She said it in the most upbeat, NOT BITTER way, too. And that’s really the antidote to bitterness, when you think about it: You make room for rejection and refuse to take it personally. You continue to love and admire many, many people who could be your friend but would prefer not to.

There are tons of potential friends out there who simply don’t want to be your friend. They aren’t built to enjoy your personality. They aren’t charmed by your charms (IMPOSSIBLE!!!). They don’t want what you have to offer. But look, most of the time, it’s has nothing to do with you at all. Some people are overwhelmed. Some people are too depressed to make friends. Some people really are way too busy to bother.

THE REASONS DON’T MATTER. That’s my point. Never slice and dice the reasons why someone doesn’t want to be your friend. People are different. They want different things. And when you let your anxiously attached, needy, worried, fearful self tell you stories about what’s wrong with other people OR about what’s wrong with you? You’re wasting your time and hurting yourself.

Because once you have one good friend who you trust and love, that person will sound just like your boyfriend does. That person will say, “You’re great. I like you so much. If people have a problem with you, they’re not paying close attention, because you’re kind and generous and smart and funny.”

And when you have 10 or 20 friends who are meant to stay friends with you for the long haul, they will all say the same thing. The people who don’t like you aren’t relevant. They aren’t bad people. But you don’t need to analyze that data. You just need to keep it rolling and accept that there will be more friends and more rejections, too.

I’m not saying “Crank up that friend machine and do high-volume friend business, ASAP!” I’m saying the world is packed with interesting, lovable humans and you are going to embrace that fact from now on.

Here’s how: Stay open, accept the hurt and pain that goes along with it, keep putting yourself out there, and take it slow.

Right now, you want instant results. You showed up half the time for the book club, you weren’t all in, but you STILL held fast to your initial expectation that you would GET A FRIEND out of it. Laziness isn’t the problem there. The problem is, the stakes are way too high. You expected way too much. No wonder you were so anxious about wha tyou should wear. You made the whole experience into a TEST — an impossible test — and then blamed yourself for failing.

If you look more closely at your life, you’ll see that you do that often. You set yourself up for failure and you blame yourself for it. Try to keep an eye on this bad habit. Let go of set outcomes. Show up for uncertainty. Give yourself space to feel what you feel. Lower your expectations of social events and acquaintanceships. Enjoy human contact and let people be where they are.

If you look more closely at the old guy in your book club, I think you’ll see that he was very open to the whole group. He didn’t assume that no one would like him just because he’s old. He just decided that he would be friendly to everyone there. He resolved to show up and have a good time without getting too preoccupied by whether or not the people around him wanted to hear every single word out of his mouth. He had things to say and he also listened. He smiled. He was very personal with each member of the club.

That man resolved to see the best in everyone. He assumed that he wouldn’t become best friends with someone out of the blue. That was okay with him. He was there to enjoy the group and cheer other people on.

When you resolve to be that open and kind, it doesn’t feel like pandering or groveling for friends. You just occupy a very welcoming position without making personal promises to each person you meet that you will be close buddies forever and ever. This is something I didn’t understand a few years ago, thanks to working from home for decades: People have lots of friendly acquaintanceships, and those acquaintanceships are sometimes budding friendships and sometimes they’re just cheerful affiliations that feel good. Very young people and people who work from home and also people who don’t have many friends sometimes forget this. They take acquaintanceships too seriously, feel rejected over casual interactions, and get too intense about trying to turn their favorite acquaintanceships into friendships quickly.

The best way to make a lot of friends is by showing up consistently, whether you’re in a great mood or not, whether you look decent or not, and just soaking in the vibe without pressure. Some days you’ll feel negative and superior. Some days you’ll feel vulnerable and rejected. Some days you’ll be in your own head. And some days, you’ll feel happy and engaged, and you will see a lot of the people around you more clearly.

Doing this in a few different ways — book club, yoga class, sewing club, cooking class, running club — will make you feel better about your life even if you’re not making lifelong friends. You’ll start to observe the people you really like and the people you aren’t crazy about. You’ll understand that even though you aren’t that good at making friends right now, you still get to focus on what YOU want and who YOU want to know.

When your anxiously attached, bitter self says “This person seems great, so they probably won’t like me.”? Notice that and say NO to it. Don’t keep repeating that thought in your head. Don’t analyze anything. Say “That’s shame talking. That’s anxious attachment. That’s fear. That’s my childhood and my neurotic brain conspiring to tell a sad story.” Drop that story on the ground and walk away. Anything can happen. There are great people everywhere. Keep hope alive. Get dressed, go out, feel ugly, feel pretty, feel indifferent, whatever, but show up and let reality be what it is.

The people you like a lot, who make sense to you, who have a lot to talk about with you, are potential friends. You are friendly and open to them when you can be and you show up for the next thing and if they’re there, you chat with them again. It’s a long, slow process.

Detach yourself from predetermined outcomes. Don’t tell yourself that if you don’t make a new friend soon, it proves that you’re a loser. Don’t tell yourself that if you sign up for a painting class and you don’t talk to anyone in the class, it’s a failure. Do what you do with your eyes and heart open and notice potential friends.

Just getting out there and being a part of the world and engaging with as little shame as possible will be good for you. You’ll start to feel more optimistic and less bitter. Live inside that uncertain place where you don’t have enough friends. Feel the sadness there, but also, understand that every day, everything changes. Anything can happen, as long as your heart is still open.

Friendship is your hardest challenge at the moment. You will have to feel some sadness and allow some space to be VERY VULNERABLE in order to beat back this bitterness. Be gentle with yourself about this. Be patient. Softness is the cure to bitterness. Accept that hurt and rejection will always be present. We ALL have to accept that. It’s not personal, even when it feels personal. You are still lovable, no matter how many times you get rejected. Trust me.

I’ve really been working on how I react to rejection. I’ve gone from taking it very personally to not being that bothered by it over the course of the past two years. To do that, I had to stop acting like every failed friendship was tragic.

Sometimes the ABSOLUTE BEST THING THAT CAN HAPPEN is that someone who is NOT meant to be your friend disappears completely. Now you can look clearly at the friends you love, and give them your full attention. Now you can open your heart to the possibility of meeting a new friend who DOES understand you and love you without reservation.

Remember, your job is to:

1) pursue people who truly interest you without feeling embarrassed by your enthusiasm

2) refuse to feel guilty about not hanging out with people who don’t interest you

3) refuse to feel shitty when someone doesn’t want to hang out with you

All of these actions send the same message:

I GET TO DO WHAT I WANT.

When you’re bitter or afraid, you forget that you have choices. You forget to value people who are enthusiastic. You chase people who are indifferent. Remember how you did that with men? Now you might be doing it with friends. Focus on the people who show interest, who are direct, who enjoy your personality. If you don’t see any people like that, you need to leave the house more!!!

HONORING YOUR DESIRES WITHOUT GUILT OR SHAME MAKES THE WORLD LESS CONFUSING.

When I thought my enthusiasm was embarrassing, that prevented me from showing my love and open heart, which blocked me from making new friends and nurturing old friendships. When I felt guilty about not hanging out with people I didn’t like that much, that created confusion and negativity that bled into my most beloved friendships, and made me feel guilty when I didn’t give everyone exactly what they needed all the time (WHICH IS LUDICROUS AND IMPOSSIBLE). When I felt shitty and took it personally when someone didn’t want to hang out with me, that made me bitter and suspicious that my good friends also didn’t love me enough.

In other words, believing that I had to be BETTER than I really am in order to have friends was terrible for me. I think that’s at the heart of what’s not working for you, too. You don’t have to lose weight to have friends. You don’t have to be the star of the book club, or read every book carefully. You don’t have to become someone else to be loved.

You are lovable right now. Show yourself. Be patient. Stop telling stories about what a hopeless, lonely loser you are. (Should you be writing fiction about hopeless, lonely losers who develop super powers from their loneliness and make a team of close, loving friends as a result?)

You are a bright light. You deserve love. Show yourself, over and over, without expecting instant results. Feel the joy of letting your light shine. Live in that uncertain, flickering light for a while. Everything is going to be okay. You’re doing your best. Keep showing up.

Polly

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Thanks for reading Ask Polly! What kept you from making new friends in the past and how has that changed? What do you struggle with now? LET’S CHAT ABOUT FRIENDSHIP RIGHT NOW! I think I can do that, start a chat on Substack?!! This seems scary suddenly! Come join me!!! (I think the chat is here?!!)

Send your letters to askpolly@protonmail.com. Thank you for your support! Let’s all make new friends this year! We need them, now more than ever!