I’m the primary parent and started writing part-time after being laid off from a well-paid tech job during my maternity leave. I’ve made a couple hundred dollars from my writing total and yet! when my 3 year old daughter’s preschool did a Mothers Day questionnaire with her that asked “what is your mom’s job?” She said “writing” and I felt so happy she knew that and could articulate it. She knows I work, regardless of how much I earn! That’s what matters to me.
If my standard of how well I was modeling feminism was based on whether I could earn my husband’s salary right at this moment, I’d be in crisis too. There’s no way I could manage the home, do my writing and somehow bring in anything near that amount of money. I chafed at this reality initially and it took some time to recalibrate. But instead of seeing that as a personal failure, I’m allowing myself to, for now, accept the (very unjust) structural reality that our country is and has always failed to monetarily value domestic labor AND that that labor is still no less valuable or essential or worth doing.
A more intersectional framing (considering class/labor alongside gender/feminism) might help break down the unrealistic expectations. Maybe that’s a good place to start? Expanding the frame a bit?
Yes, totally agree! We live in a world where any career that involves caring for others or being creative in any way gets financially downgraded. And if something gets "pink collared" (more women enter the field than men), salaries go down accordingly. Some people say that's why academia has more poorly paid adjuncts now.
Personally, it's been very helpful for me to put my anarcho-collectivist hat on and celebrate all the things I do and the communities I support that are outside of the capitalist system.
WRM, I’d like to emphasize something in Polly’s response: modeling your politics and your feminism by example is not a one-and-done thing. It sounds like you and your partner have (through struggle and therapy) figured out how to communicate your needs and figure out flexible, if imperfect and probably non-permanent, solutions. That’s great! Those are the rocks on which many relationships crash and are destroyed, and you’re navigating them. The choice you make now is unlikely to remain permanent for the rest of your daughter’s childhood, and watching her parents negotiate time and money and domestic obligations over and over from a place of mutual respect is a great opportunity for her. I stayed home full time, pregnant and nursing and caring for my 3 babies/small children, for several years, while their dad earned all the money. Then their dad took a one year sabbatical to stay home with them (incredible privilege, I know) while I went back to school full time. Then we traded off child care duties with some daycare mixed in, while I finished my degree. Then we were both working full time. Then for a several years I was the primary breadwinner and I worked so many hours that my youngest daughter’s kindergarten classmates had no idea who I was. Point being, the kids didn’t just see one thing. Most jobs don’t last 18 years, right? And families (especially those open to a pragmatic give-and-take between the adults) will model that across the years and years of childhood. It’s far more important that a daughter see her mother thriving than that she sees her working for pay, but crushed and miserable. Kids whose mom is self-directed, independent-minded, an equal partner in her romantic relationship, and prioritizing her own well being (alongside theirs) - that’s important to model, too.
Some solid advice from Polly here. I think the sentence around “my daughter to expect to work a full time job” is tricky. Many people are not currently able to even find a full time job right now. I haven’t been able to work a full time job in my entire adult life, and I have also had to deal with my parent’s shame around that, which led to a lot of shame of my own. I agree with Polly, modeling joy and specifically the feminist idea that there are about 100,000 ways to live a Full Life Full Time that maybe won’t involve husbands, kids or career in the conventional sense, ones that won’t be obviously presented to you is so incredibly important. Our biggest jobs as humans is to create a path that feels right and challenging and enjoyable enough to savor the privilege of experiencing it.
totally agree. Also, even after 10+ years of doing "good" full-time jobs I still have to put up with a tonne of sexist bullshit. Just yesterday I questioned the legal basis for a new policy at work and, when I was found to be correct, my male boss told a roomful of people we should congratulate my husband because clearly he "taught me a thing or two about this stuff"! There is no magic route that shields women from that, sadly. The antidote is joy, love, and investment in the people around you.
Something I have observed time and time again: one of the only things I never seen be consistently inspirational or admired, is someone being unapologetically true to themselves. Losing yourself to align with some "inspirational" archetype ain't it. Neither, frankly, is having requirements for your toddler's expectations for her future adult life, loving intentions notwithstanding.
Speaking as someone who had a stay-at-home mother right up to and beyond when my twin and I left home, the reason why this damaged me was not because she didn't appropriately model feminist values, but because she consistently showed us that her pleasure mattered and our joy didn't.
Our mum was furious when either of us needed anything that distracted her from her normal routine of sleeping in, long breakfasts on the deck, yoga, and watching TV. School-mandated half-days, genuine illness, and holidays were all a source of extreme frustration for her and she made it abundantly clear that she didn't want us at home and that in being home we were taking something she felt entitled to. She pushed us into taking care of ourselves in a way we weren't ready for yet. For example, I vividly remember it being insisted we'd walk home from school, 15 minutes away for an adult, and us getting to the front gate and not even knowing if we were meant to turn left or right.
Of course, had she worked, things wouldn't have been different. She would have still been distracted and self-interested. The part she missed was that she didn't show us how to puruse joy, she was just doggedly insistent on trying (and, really, failing) to show it to herself. I have plenty of friends whose mothers worked and were passionate, deeply interested, attentive parents and that close attention in childhood raised children who are open-minded and optimistic about the possibilities for their life.
My point is, there are so many ways of illustrating feminist values to your children. It is not the banner-issues like the choice (if you're lucky enough to make it) of whether to work or stay home that teaches those to children but the small actions we take each day to demonstrate that their joy, agency, and voice matters.
Polly gives great advice here. I will just add that PT professional jobs do exist at places like universities and hospitals (actual staff jobs with benefits--sometimes very good benefits--not adjunct gigs). They can take a while to find, it might not be your exact dream job or pay a ton of money, and these days unfortunately both of those places can be having a lot of $ problems--but you never know. Because along with the income, having your own source of retirement funding, paid sick days, and health insurance is really important. Your marriage and your husband's health may be fine, but if something ever did happen you will need this stuff. And it will let you have time with your daughter (who has no idea about the difference between PT and FT anyway). You will then be in a much better place to go FT down the road if you want.
I’m the primary parent and started writing part-time after being laid off from a well-paid tech job during my maternity leave. I’ve made a couple hundred dollars from my writing total and yet! when my 3 year old daughter’s preschool did a Mothers Day questionnaire with her that asked “what is your mom’s job?” She said “writing” and I felt so happy she knew that and could articulate it. She knows I work, regardless of how much I earn! That’s what matters to me.
If my standard of how well I was modeling feminism was based on whether I could earn my husband’s salary right at this moment, I’d be in crisis too. There’s no way I could manage the home, do my writing and somehow bring in anything near that amount of money. I chafed at this reality initially and it took some time to recalibrate. But instead of seeing that as a personal failure, I’m allowing myself to, for now, accept the (very unjust) structural reality that our country is and has always failed to monetarily value domestic labor AND that that labor is still no less valuable or essential or worth doing.
A more intersectional framing (considering class/labor alongside gender/feminism) might help break down the unrealistic expectations. Maybe that’s a good place to start? Expanding the frame a bit?
Yes, totally agree! We live in a world where any career that involves caring for others or being creative in any way gets financially downgraded. And if something gets "pink collared" (more women enter the field than men), salaries go down accordingly. Some people say that's why academia has more poorly paid adjuncts now.
Personally, it's been very helpful for me to put my anarcho-collectivist hat on and celebrate all the things I do and the communities I support that are outside of the capitalist system.
Yes!!! Financial leverage is important, but if we don't meaningfully center and value what's outside of that how can we expect anyone else to?
WRM, I’d like to emphasize something in Polly’s response: modeling your politics and your feminism by example is not a one-and-done thing. It sounds like you and your partner have (through struggle and therapy) figured out how to communicate your needs and figure out flexible, if imperfect and probably non-permanent, solutions. That’s great! Those are the rocks on which many relationships crash and are destroyed, and you’re navigating them. The choice you make now is unlikely to remain permanent for the rest of your daughter’s childhood, and watching her parents negotiate time and money and domestic obligations over and over from a place of mutual respect is a great opportunity for her. I stayed home full time, pregnant and nursing and caring for my 3 babies/small children, for several years, while their dad earned all the money. Then their dad took a one year sabbatical to stay home with them (incredible privilege, I know) while I went back to school full time. Then we traded off child care duties with some daycare mixed in, while I finished my degree. Then we were both working full time. Then for a several years I was the primary breadwinner and I worked so many hours that my youngest daughter’s kindergarten classmates had no idea who I was. Point being, the kids didn’t just see one thing. Most jobs don’t last 18 years, right? And families (especially those open to a pragmatic give-and-take between the adults) will model that across the years and years of childhood. It’s far more important that a daughter see her mother thriving than that she sees her working for pay, but crushed and miserable. Kids whose mom is self-directed, independent-minded, an equal partner in her romantic relationship, and prioritizing her own well being (alongside theirs) - that’s important to model, too.
Some solid advice from Polly here. I think the sentence around “my daughter to expect to work a full time job” is tricky. Many people are not currently able to even find a full time job right now. I haven’t been able to work a full time job in my entire adult life, and I have also had to deal with my parent’s shame around that, which led to a lot of shame of my own. I agree with Polly, modeling joy and specifically the feminist idea that there are about 100,000 ways to live a Full Life Full Time that maybe won’t involve husbands, kids or career in the conventional sense, ones that won’t be obviously presented to you is so incredibly important. Our biggest jobs as humans is to create a path that feels right and challenging and enjoyable enough to savor the privilege of experiencing it.
totally agree. Also, even after 10+ years of doing "good" full-time jobs I still have to put up with a tonne of sexist bullshit. Just yesterday I questioned the legal basis for a new policy at work and, when I was found to be correct, my male boss told a roomful of people we should congratulate my husband because clearly he "taught me a thing or two about this stuff"! There is no magic route that shields women from that, sadly. The antidote is joy, love, and investment in the people around you.
Such a great response.
Something I have observed time and time again: one of the only things I never seen be consistently inspirational or admired, is someone being unapologetically true to themselves. Losing yourself to align with some "inspirational" archetype ain't it. Neither, frankly, is having requirements for your toddler's expectations for her future adult life, loving intentions notwithstanding.
Speaking as someone who had a stay-at-home mother right up to and beyond when my twin and I left home, the reason why this damaged me was not because she didn't appropriately model feminist values, but because she consistently showed us that her pleasure mattered and our joy didn't.
Our mum was furious when either of us needed anything that distracted her from her normal routine of sleeping in, long breakfasts on the deck, yoga, and watching TV. School-mandated half-days, genuine illness, and holidays were all a source of extreme frustration for her and she made it abundantly clear that she didn't want us at home and that in being home we were taking something she felt entitled to. She pushed us into taking care of ourselves in a way we weren't ready for yet. For example, I vividly remember it being insisted we'd walk home from school, 15 minutes away for an adult, and us getting to the front gate and not even knowing if we were meant to turn left or right.
Of course, had she worked, things wouldn't have been different. She would have still been distracted and self-interested. The part she missed was that she didn't show us how to puruse joy, she was just doggedly insistent on trying (and, really, failing) to show it to herself. I have plenty of friends whose mothers worked and were passionate, deeply interested, attentive parents and that close attention in childhood raised children who are open-minded and optimistic about the possibilities for their life.
My point is, there are so many ways of illustrating feminist values to your children. It is not the banner-issues like the choice (if you're lucky enough to make it) of whether to work or stay home that teaches those to children but the small actions we take each day to demonstrate that their joy, agency, and voice matters.
Polly gives great advice here. I will just add that PT professional jobs do exist at places like universities and hospitals (actual staff jobs with benefits--sometimes very good benefits--not adjunct gigs). They can take a while to find, it might not be your exact dream job or pay a ton of money, and these days unfortunately both of those places can be having a lot of $ problems--but you never know. Because along with the income, having your own source of retirement funding, paid sick days, and health insurance is really important. Your marriage and your husband's health may be fine, but if something ever did happen you will need this stuff. And it will let you have time with your daughter (who has no idea about the difference between PT and FT anyway). You will then be in a much better place to go FT down the road if you want.