Yes to all this. My family did not do "bodies" or "houses" well. They were all in the mind so the body and environment was a big whatever. So I default to ignoring my body when I'm under stress. I need WAY MORE stretching, crafting, singing, hiking, dancing, slow cleaning, fun eating, and just rolling around on the floor. BTW, I didn't figure any of this out until my mid-twenties, when I had a dog and a kid, both of whom needed a lot of physical body care and exercise. Taking care of their bodies taught me how to take care of my own body. I'm always falling off the wagon and climbing back on, tho, it's a lifelong struggle for me to embrace embodiment.
SIO, I was where you are. It's so much better on the otherside. I still have my days and moments, but I realize what I'm doing a lot quicker. You matter!
I really loved this Heather, something most people need to hear today, including me. Thank you!
Wow. I could have been this LW. And I'm here to tell you, SIO, that Polly nailed every single aspect of this. And I can't be sure, but I have to believe that it's much easier to start this process in your 20s than in your 60s as I did. But it truly is never too late, and it's SO worth it. Go for it.
As far as self-help books go, The Language of Emotions by Karla McLaren is a lovely one with a lot of quite practical examples of how to approach strong emotions positively and gently
This is so beautiful, thank you Polly and I'm sending a big hug to the LW. I recommend the book "Appetites," a beautiful memoir about a woman grappling with her "hungers" both literal and figurative.
It's a very weird feeling to be read to utter filth by someone who doesn't know you exist. xD I really wish someone had been around to tell me this when I was SIO's age, but I'm glad that SIO gets to hear it now. Thanks Polly.
Yeah. You were trying to fix yourself to earn his love, but he was already never going to love you the way you needed.
You're obsessed with exerting control over the one thing you feel like you have control over - criticizing yourself and psychically chopping yourself into little pieces - because the alternative is acknowledging that we ultimately have no control over how people love us.
I'm gonna risk being really messy here: I've done a similar thing as this dude. I broke up and got back with the same woman multiple times. It didn't matter how hard she tried. I was simply not thinking about her needs or wants at all. I just didn't want to feel alone in a vast and unfeeling universe, and I took it out on the nearest person.
I wasn't into her the same way she was into me. We weren't compatible. Which is fine. What sucked was that I wasted her time instead of making a clean break.
This dude wasted your time for an entire year. But also, he wasted your time for only a year. He didn't, for example, get you pregnant and stuck with him for 18 years or more. He finally broke up with you.
This was lovely and somewhat painful to read. I suspect there are many of us who come from parents who meant well but were not taught to deal with emotions and thus taught us to ignore and surpress those that were deemed wrong at the time. So the process is messy, painful and there are days when you despair of it all. But there is light at the end of the tunnel and its so worth it!
This made my ribcage ache in the best way, like it was cracking open just enough for my long-lost self to crawl back in. Somewhere along the way I confused “being lovable” with “being less.” I tried to earn affection by becoming easier to digest, less demanding, more agreeable, a well-packaged emotional snack.
Thank you for the reminder that honoring my needs isn’t a crime—it’s a resurrection.
Letting people walk away while I stay with me might just be the holiest act of rebellion I’ve ever attempted.
—A recovering shape-shifter trying not to apologize for existing.
Thank you as always for your advice. This hits so close to home. I’m mourning a friendship/mentorship from many years ago that I’m now seeing was a codependency, which ended when I had a baby (and I’m a single mom). Once the dynamics changed, I learned who to let go of and who didn’t want to be there.
Read The Wild Geese whenever you have a question about your own you: Wild Geese | Mary Oliver
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting–
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
Yes to all this. My family did not do "bodies" or "houses" well. They were all in the mind so the body and environment was a big whatever. So I default to ignoring my body when I'm under stress. I need WAY MORE stretching, crafting, singing, hiking, dancing, slow cleaning, fun eating, and just rolling around on the floor. BTW, I didn't figure any of this out until my mid-twenties, when I had a dog and a kid, both of whom needed a lot of physical body care and exercise. Taking care of their bodies taught me how to take care of my own body. I'm always falling off the wagon and climbing back on, tho, it's a lifelong struggle for me to embrace embodiment.
SIO, I was where you are. It's so much better on the otherside. I still have my days and moments, but I realize what I'm doing a lot quicker. You matter!
I really loved this Heather, something most people need to hear today, including me. Thank you!
Wow. I could have been this LW. And I'm here to tell you, SIO, that Polly nailed every single aspect of this. And I can't be sure, but I have to believe that it's much easier to start this process in your 20s than in your 60s as I did. But it truly is never too late, and it's SO worth it. Go for it.
As far as self-help books go, The Language of Emotions by Karla McLaren is a lovely one with a lot of quite practical examples of how to approach strong emotions positively and gently
Thanks J_ J_, that looks interesting! I found her free downloadable extras for the book: https://karlamclaren.com/free-resources-from-the-language-of-emotions/
This is so beautiful, thank you Polly and I'm sending a big hug to the LW. I recommend the book "Appetites," a beautiful memoir about a woman grappling with her "hungers" both literal and figurative.
It's a very weird feeling to be read to utter filth by someone who doesn't know you exist. xD I really wish someone had been around to tell me this when I was SIO's age, but I'm glad that SIO gets to hear it now. Thanks Polly.
Thanks Polly. And SIO. x
"he still left me"
Yeah. You were trying to fix yourself to earn his love, but he was already never going to love you the way you needed.
You're obsessed with exerting control over the one thing you feel like you have control over - criticizing yourself and psychically chopping yourself into little pieces - because the alternative is acknowledging that we ultimately have no control over how people love us.
I'm gonna risk being really messy here: I've done a similar thing as this dude. I broke up and got back with the same woman multiple times. It didn't matter how hard she tried. I was simply not thinking about her needs or wants at all. I just didn't want to feel alone in a vast and unfeeling universe, and I took it out on the nearest person.
I wasn't into her the same way she was into me. We weren't compatible. Which is fine. What sucked was that I wasted her time instead of making a clean break.
This dude wasted your time for an entire year. But also, he wasted your time for only a year. He didn't, for example, get you pregnant and stuck with him for 18 years or more. He finally broke up with you.
Whether he knows it or not, he gave you a gift.
This was lovely and somewhat painful to read. I suspect there are many of us who come from parents who meant well but were not taught to deal with emotions and thus taught us to ignore and surpress those that were deemed wrong at the time. So the process is messy, painful and there are days when you despair of it all. But there is light at the end of the tunnel and its so worth it!
This made my ribcage ache in the best way, like it was cracking open just enough for my long-lost self to crawl back in. Somewhere along the way I confused “being lovable” with “being less.” I tried to earn affection by becoming easier to digest, less demanding, more agreeable, a well-packaged emotional snack.
Thank you for the reminder that honoring my needs isn’t a crime—it’s a resurrection.
Letting people walk away while I stay with me might just be the holiest act of rebellion I’ve ever attempted.
—A recovering shape-shifter trying not to apologize for existing.
Thank you as always for your advice. This hits so close to home. I’m mourning a friendship/mentorship from many years ago that I’m now seeing was a codependency, which ended when I had a baby (and I’m a single mom). Once the dynamics changed, I learned who to let go of and who didn’t want to be there.