I have two kinds of friends: the ones I made when I was very much younger and didn’t know how to find people who could stand my personality and the others. The first, older friends tend to roll their eyes and say things like “not this subject again.” The newer friends who o made when I finally knew myself and my calling can listen for hours, ask me how my obsessive research is going, want to know if I ever found or figured out the answer to the question or mystery that had been eluding me.
I have kept only those older friends who truly like me, even though I drive them crazy sometimes and have to reign myself in. Only for them will I do that. I stick to pop culture, shopping, beauty, movies (new ones, not the old ones I’m obsessed with, lol), and food. It’s fine. It keeps me civilized. I’m not married to them, either!
I'm reading this and I totally get you! But why do I feel like her problem is kind of similar to the person writing in a couple posts ago on 'How can I feel fully loved and understood', VH, where she doesn't feel deeply loved by her husband? Doesn't she also feel like he isn't listening and this is the issue? Isn't her husband a blunty?
The final advice is quite different between the 2 articles here or I may be missing something. Because somehow I resonate with that writer, and this writer as well!
Marriage vs. dating and the attitude of the husband in the first letter AND the attitude of the wife / LW are so different. The husband in the first letter is saying directly "I can't engage because we only have emotional talks that start with you being furious at me." Plus the wife gave me a lot of information about her life, her frustrations, her anxieties about her ex -- just a lot of stuff going on there. The wife also reached out to tell me that I was spot on and she thought I was psychic. Not throwing that in as justification for anything -- just remembered it now and it seems relevant here!
In contrast, the woman in this letter is saying "My boyfriend always finds ways not to listen" -- there's a constant backing away, not really engaging, followed by promises that he'll change. My primary focus in this letter is this: Is it a good idea to commit to someone when you never really feel heard or supported?
The overarching question isn't how good or bad any boyfriend or husband or partner is, but *how you feel when you're with that person.* It's less about categories and/or what's acceptable and more about how you want to live moving forward.
I'll go into it more in the next post, but thanks for this in the meantime!
Yup. There's no way I'm the first LW to suggest that you are psychic. No freaking way. I kept looking over my shoulder, like, is Polly here?! How is this even possible?!
My shot at this, because I feel it’s an interesting difference - essentially the same behaviour is okay or not depending on the communication style...
I think for the previous letter, her husband was willing to listen and put down honest boundaries when he could not. In short, openly communicates and engages.
This guy seems to passive aggressively find ways to ignore her, you know the double whammy of not listening, but because there was a squirrel not because I don’t want to, so you can’t complain. That’s devastating in a relationship, because the problem won’t be acknowledged.
I used to have a long distance boyfriend many years ago, who was in love with someone in the same city as him. Why he didn’t break up with me is anyones guess, but he strung me along. It so happened that whenever I visited, he just DID NOT have time for me. But the reason was always something really important. He was part of this religious group, of hundreds of people. Of course, someone or their relative was always sick/unhappy/whatever. And then he would have to go pray for them with the group.
And he would make me feel stupid for complaining - like do I consider dinner with me more important than praying for someone whose father is dying of cancer?
So it was an awful cycle of me suppressing my feelings of being dismissed till I exploded, then feeling like I overreacted and apologising, and the same thing again... This letter reminds me of that dynamic - the previous one, not so much...
I came here to say something too about this - married with kids vs. not, and just that the other LW said she was happy (FULL STOP) before all the doubting started. This LW does not seem like she has ever been quite happy. I think it's a good question though Sundance, to ask what's different between the two stories. I wonder what's at stake emotionally for anyone reading these and taking them seriously (probably a lot! I know there is for me, both when I first read sharp knife and even now reflecting on it). A good ponder for the day emotionally. I'm glad to see you had a comment and a story for this, Tara. Thanks for sharing.
Sometimes you can't find that person even when you've been looking your whole life. Sometimes you just need to go within, for however long (or short), and be your own listener.
“They just don’t get it. They aren’t for you. Walk away. You have worlds inside you — swirling, colorful, mournful, generous, soaring, hopeful, searing, heartbreaking worlds. You cannot offer just a tiny slice of you. You cannot hold back the flood. You want to share those worlds. You are way too big, too complicated, too glorious and infinitely sad and unspeakably divine. You have to share all of it. Find someone worthy of all of it. Find someone who wants ALL OF IT.“
I have never felt so seen and understood 🥲 - I can't even explain how much I've bloomed as a sharp knife who married an incredible listener! I am so grateful to you Heather - for helping me feel like enough just as I am - with all my sharpness and talking and complexity and depth! I've struggled against feeling too needy or too much all my life.
Hearing your words, as a sisterly sharp knife, makes it all fall into place and make sense. Your column gives me hope and validation like nothing else. I couldn't be more grateful for the understanding, validation and truth telling you do. Thank Goddess For You and for this!!!! Healing balm and hope giving light you share.
One thing I really love for communication about relationship matters (not for sharing life story) is "non violent communication". I just listened to some podcasts about it and I just feel it has to be mentioned when discussing listening!
Oooh, I’ve never heard of this and needed it! I’m a sharp knife, my partner a bit duller. But I’m alwayyyyys coming at him with “violent communication.” How can I expect him to feel safe and interested in engaging with me when I attack him as if he’s intentionally trying to hurt me, when in reality, he’s just being him?
Sounds like NVC (non violent communication) could be a good thing to learn about for you! Did you look into it? There’s a book, or a YouTube/Spotify lecture.
This isn’t about this post (although, of course, I took screenshots of all the poignant parts of it, like I do for every post) -- but, Heather, in case you’re reading this, I saw that you’ll be at the Brooklyn Book Festival on Sunday. I’m an artist who does live illustration of events. (Instagram is Coyneworks; I think you follow me on your IG account Real Ask Polly). Just saying -- I can’t wait to see you in person and draw your panel with Keith Gessen (!)!
You 👏 cannot 👏 make 👏 the 👏 other 👏 person 👏 give 👏 you 👏 something 👏 they 👏 don’t 👏 want 👏 or 👏 cannot 👏 give.
I absolutely can’t wait for an update to the original response.
Yesss!
This energy, yes. Sameee!
I have two kinds of friends: the ones I made when I was very much younger and didn’t know how to find people who could stand my personality and the others. The first, older friends tend to roll their eyes and say things like “not this subject again.” The newer friends who o made when I finally knew myself and my calling can listen for hours, ask me how my obsessive research is going, want to know if I ever found or figured out the answer to the question or mystery that had been eluding me.
I have kept only those older friends who truly like me, even though I drive them crazy sometimes and have to reign myself in. Only for them will I do that. I stick to pop culture, shopping, beauty, movies (new ones, not the old ones I’m obsessed with, lol), and food. It’s fine. It keeps me civilized. I’m not married to them, either!
Hi Heather,
I'm reading this and I totally get you! But why do I feel like her problem is kind of similar to the person writing in a couple posts ago on 'How can I feel fully loved and understood', VH, where she doesn't feel deeply loved by her husband? Doesn't she also feel like he isn't listening and this is the issue? Isn't her husband a blunty?
The final advice is quite different between the 2 articles here or I may be missing something. Because somehow I resonate with that writer, and this writer as well!
Marriage vs. dating and the attitude of the husband in the first letter AND the attitude of the wife / LW are so different. The husband in the first letter is saying directly "I can't engage because we only have emotional talks that start with you being furious at me." Plus the wife gave me a lot of information about her life, her frustrations, her anxieties about her ex -- just a lot of stuff going on there. The wife also reached out to tell me that I was spot on and she thought I was psychic. Not throwing that in as justification for anything -- just remembered it now and it seems relevant here!
In contrast, the woman in this letter is saying "My boyfriend always finds ways not to listen" -- there's a constant backing away, not really engaging, followed by promises that he'll change. My primary focus in this letter is this: Is it a good idea to commit to someone when you never really feel heard or supported?
The overarching question isn't how good or bad any boyfriend or husband or partner is, but *how you feel when you're with that person.* It's less about categories and/or what's acceptable and more about how you want to live moving forward.
I'll go into it more in the next post, but thanks for this in the meantime!
Yup. There's no way I'm the first LW to suggest that you are psychic. No freaking way. I kept looking over my shoulder, like, is Polly here?! How is this even possible?!
<3
My shot at this, because I feel it’s an interesting difference - essentially the same behaviour is okay or not depending on the communication style...
I think for the previous letter, her husband was willing to listen and put down honest boundaries when he could not. In short, openly communicates and engages.
This guy seems to passive aggressively find ways to ignore her, you know the double whammy of not listening, but because there was a squirrel not because I don’t want to, so you can’t complain. That’s devastating in a relationship, because the problem won’t be acknowledged.
I used to have a long distance boyfriend many years ago, who was in love with someone in the same city as him. Why he didn’t break up with me is anyones guess, but he strung me along. It so happened that whenever I visited, he just DID NOT have time for me. But the reason was always something really important. He was part of this religious group, of hundreds of people. Of course, someone or their relative was always sick/unhappy/whatever. And then he would have to go pray for them with the group.
And he would make me feel stupid for complaining - like do I consider dinner with me more important than praying for someone whose father is dying of cancer?
So it was an awful cycle of me suppressing my feelings of being dismissed till I exploded, then feeling like I overreacted and apologising, and the same thing again... This letter reminds me of that dynamic - the previous one, not so much...
I came here to say something too about this - married with kids vs. not, and just that the other LW said she was happy (FULL STOP) before all the doubting started. This LW does not seem like she has ever been quite happy. I think it's a good question though Sundance, to ask what's different between the two stories. I wonder what's at stake emotionally for anyone reading these and taking them seriously (probably a lot! I know there is for me, both when I first read sharp knife and even now reflecting on it). A good ponder for the day emotionally. I'm glad to see you had a comment and a story for this, Tara. Thanks for sharing.
Such a great column! A big no to trying to make anyone else do anything they can't or don't want to do.
Sometimes you can't find that person even when you've been looking your whole life. Sometimes you just need to go within, for however long (or short), and be your own listener.
“They just don’t get it. They aren’t for you. Walk away. You have worlds inside you — swirling, colorful, mournful, generous, soaring, hopeful, searing, heartbreaking worlds. You cannot offer just a tiny slice of you. You cannot hold back the flood. You want to share those worlds. You are way too big, too complicated, too glorious and infinitely sad and unspeakably divine. You have to share all of it. Find someone worthy of all of it. Find someone who wants ALL OF IT.“
❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥
I have never felt so seen and understood 🥲 - I can't even explain how much I've bloomed as a sharp knife who married an incredible listener! I am so grateful to you Heather - for helping me feel like enough just as I am - with all my sharpness and talking and complexity and depth! I've struggled against feeling too needy or too much all my life.
Hearing your words, as a sisterly sharp knife, makes it all fall into place and make sense. Your column gives me hope and validation like nothing else. I couldn't be more grateful for the understanding, validation and truth telling you do. Thank Goddess For You and for this!!!! Healing balm and hope giving light you share.
One thing I really love for communication about relationship matters (not for sharing life story) is "non violent communication". I just listened to some podcasts about it and I just feel it has to be mentioned when discussing listening!
Oooh, I’ve never heard of this and needed it! I’m a sharp knife, my partner a bit duller. But I’m alwayyyyys coming at him with “violent communication.” How can I expect him to feel safe and interested in engaging with me when I attack him as if he’s intentionally trying to hurt me, when in reality, he’s just being him?
Sounds like NVC (non violent communication) could be a good thing to learn about for you! Did you look into it? There’s a book, or a YouTube/Spotify lecture.
This isn’t about this post (although, of course, I took screenshots of all the poignant parts of it, like I do for every post) -- but, Heather, in case you’re reading this, I saw that you’ll be at the Brooklyn Book Festival on Sunday. I’m an artist who does live illustration of events. (Instagram is Coyneworks; I think you follow me on your IG account Real Ask Polly). Just saying -- I can’t wait to see you in person and draw your panel with Keith Gessen (!)!
My favourite Ask Polly ever. A classic, along with Lil Debbie Snack Cakes and Anchovies.
Have you ever published Lil Debbie Snack Cakes in this newsletter?
Heather, FYI looks like you already recycled this letter on Feb 3rd of this year.
Wow, Po, there were a lot of interesting thoughts there.