To the Crack Smoking Scientist: as someone who turned 50 last year and spent most of my life "shoulding" instead of knowing/doing what I want, I heartily agree with everything Polly said. I also must tell you that when you do start fully living according to your own whims, passions, and wants, other people notice, and are wowed by it! Some will judge and grumble but that's because they're jealous. Being authentic is what we all secretly want (but are afraid of) and it is SO COOL to see a fellow human DOING IT! It gives other people permission to live fuller, better lives. Good luck!
Yeah it’s trite; you’ve probably heard it. Yet it’s one of the hardest changes I’m still working on. Obviously it’s worth it! That loud incessant shouldy voice is an old motherfucker. He is so sure he’s right, that if I don’t match some image from my family/school/the world then I’ll PROVE what a failure fuckup I obviously am.
And yeah, I am a fuckup by many external metrics. But I care a LOT less now! And that is a huge relief, allows a lot of joy in.
I like to say now, I’m not living by that yardstick—but it’s still leaning in the corner of the room.
It’ll probably be there on my deathbed, looking for an opening to jump in and mock, shame, belittle, berate…
Eat a fat dick, yardstick! (Thanks Heather!)
Also CSS, when I started deep therapy they had to point at a list of the “6 Primary Emotions” and ask us (mostly men) to use feelings words. Not “fine” or “bad.” Especially not a whole explainy chapter about what happened or why I did whatever or why it was someone else’s fault.
It was so hard. Just naming feelings: “I feel… um… sad. And um… maybe afraid? Oh, is there more? I don’t think so. Angry? Oh no, not angry. Hmmm… well maybe a little FRUSTRATED. Oh, that’s in the Anger category? OK, then, a little angry too.”
Of course it’s superficial and crass to reduce all emotions to happiness/joy, sadness, anger, fear, surprise, and disgust. But it helps to start there when we don’t have experience naming our feelings. Maybe you’re already good at it! But just in case, this was a useful way for me to learn.
Then it was helpful to use a more expansive list of nuanced feelings.
One therapist gave me lovely feedback: When I ask what you’re feeling, you close your eyes and put your hand on your chest.
I do? Wow, hadn’t realized. Now I can do it consciously. I like that about myself.
So excited you’re on this journey! Let us know how it goes!
This small parenthetical: "(Btw, parents of younger kids, do not panic! This is not always easy to do with tiny kids but it gets easier as they get older and talk more!)" When my kids were little -- kids I wanted with all of my heart and worked very hard to have -- I used to feel bad when I didn't have endless amounts of patience, when I didn't cherish every moment, like all my older relatives serenely said I should. When I just wanted them to go the fuck to sleep so I could sit on the couch and not have anyone asking me for anything. I had one aunt who expressed to me how hard having little kids could be, and that was my lifeline. Now that they are teenagers, and pretty low-maintenance ones at that, I find it much easier to cherish the time we have together, the conversations, the jokes, even the gentle squabbles. Cherishing those younger years is good, AND you are allowed to feel annoyed, exhausted, all done with child care a LOT. Apologies for writing so much about what was not the point of this post. At almost 50 myself, I related to the whole thing. I'm lotsa years into casting off the "shoulds," and keep finding new layers.
"What if you set up a certain amount of work that you have to get done every week? (Not every day because some days get screwed by outside forces and we can’t go around blaming ourselves for that every time!) And then once you fulfill those requirements, you let yourself roam a little, experiment, wander, have an ice cream cone."
I think this is so good. Just a little bit of pragmatic Polly to balance the usual revolutionary emotional energy. It's sometimes a little tough to see how to feel your way through life at the office. So I enjoy passages like these, and Polly's writing on being a leader.
I realize it was sort of a side point, but hoo boy did Heather’s comments about parenting resonate deeply for me. As much as I spent my thirties and early forties as a neurotic taskmaster for myself, I was a really grounded and present and accepting parent who felt like the (few, clear) rules were so strong and real, they couldn’t be shaken by the presence of a wild baby animal who hadn’t read the rule book. And that did indeed pave the way to finding some compassion for the wild baby animal (me) I’d put on a nasty hamster wheel for so long. There’s so much joy - and fun, simple pointless unproductive fun - waiting for you, LW.
To the Crack Smoking Scientist: as someone who turned 50 last year and spent most of my life "shoulding" instead of knowing/doing what I want, I heartily agree with everything Polly said. I also must tell you that when you do start fully living according to your own whims, passions, and wants, other people notice, and are wowed by it! Some will judge and grumble but that's because they're jealous. Being authentic is what we all secretly want (but are afraid of) and it is SO COOL to see a fellow human DOING IT! It gives other people permission to live fuller, better lives. Good luck!
Dear CSS—
Stop shoulding all over yourself!
Yeah it’s trite; you’ve probably heard it. Yet it’s one of the hardest changes I’m still working on. Obviously it’s worth it! That loud incessant shouldy voice is an old motherfucker. He is so sure he’s right, that if I don’t match some image from my family/school/the world then I’ll PROVE what a failure fuckup I obviously am.
And yeah, I am a fuckup by many external metrics. But I care a LOT less now! And that is a huge relief, allows a lot of joy in.
I like to say now, I’m not living by that yardstick—but it’s still leaning in the corner of the room.
It’ll probably be there on my deathbed, looking for an opening to jump in and mock, shame, belittle, berate…
Eat a fat dick, yardstick! (Thanks Heather!)
Also CSS, when I started deep therapy they had to point at a list of the “6 Primary Emotions” and ask us (mostly men) to use feelings words. Not “fine” or “bad.” Especially not a whole explainy chapter about what happened or why I did whatever or why it was someone else’s fault.
It was so hard. Just naming feelings: “I feel… um… sad. And um… maybe afraid? Oh, is there more? I don’t think so. Angry? Oh no, not angry. Hmmm… well maybe a little FRUSTRATED. Oh, that’s in the Anger category? OK, then, a little angry too.”
Of course it’s superficial and crass to reduce all emotions to happiness/joy, sadness, anger, fear, surprise, and disgust. But it helps to start there when we don’t have experience naming our feelings. Maybe you’re already good at it! But just in case, this was a useful way for me to learn.
Then it was helpful to use a more expansive list of nuanced feelings.
One therapist gave me lovely feedback: When I ask what you’re feeling, you close your eyes and put your hand on your chest.
I do? Wow, hadn’t realized. Now I can do it consciously. I like that about myself.
So excited you’re on this journey! Let us know how it goes!
This small parenthetical: "(Btw, parents of younger kids, do not panic! This is not always easy to do with tiny kids but it gets easier as they get older and talk more!)" When my kids were little -- kids I wanted with all of my heart and worked very hard to have -- I used to feel bad when I didn't have endless amounts of patience, when I didn't cherish every moment, like all my older relatives serenely said I should. When I just wanted them to go the fuck to sleep so I could sit on the couch and not have anyone asking me for anything. I had one aunt who expressed to me how hard having little kids could be, and that was my lifeline. Now that they are teenagers, and pretty low-maintenance ones at that, I find it much easier to cherish the time we have together, the conversations, the jokes, even the gentle squabbles. Cherishing those younger years is good, AND you are allowed to feel annoyed, exhausted, all done with child care a LOT. Apologies for writing so much about what was not the point of this post. At almost 50 myself, I related to the whole thing. I'm lotsa years into casting off the "shoulds," and keep finding new layers.
"What if you set up a certain amount of work that you have to get done every week? (Not every day because some days get screwed by outside forces and we can’t go around blaming ourselves for that every time!) And then once you fulfill those requirements, you let yourself roam a little, experiment, wander, have an ice cream cone."
I think this is so good. Just a little bit of pragmatic Polly to balance the usual revolutionary emotional energy. It's sometimes a little tough to see how to feel your way through life at the office. So I enjoy passages like these, and Polly's writing on being a leader.
I realize it was sort of a side point, but hoo boy did Heather’s comments about parenting resonate deeply for me. As much as I spent my thirties and early forties as a neurotic taskmaster for myself, I was a really grounded and present and accepting parent who felt like the (few, clear) rules were so strong and real, they couldn’t be shaken by the presence of a wild baby animal who hadn’t read the rule book. And that did indeed pave the way to finding some compassion for the wild baby animal (me) I’d put on a nasty hamster wheel for so long. There’s so much joy - and fun, simple pointless unproductive fun - waiting for you, LW.
This might be my favorite thing on the internet.
“What’s The Point” and this response are serious stakes into my hidden shame vampire heart. Full Molly MFers🧛♀️ !!
thats beautiful
Hoo boy.
In the vein of staying curious...
https://open.substack.com/pub/unlearnthenonsense/p/a-series-of-gendered-terms?r=1u7s3k&utm_medium=ios
Tysm to anyone who reads 🖤