Breathe free for a change - do I need to hear this a day after my daughter’s beautiful wedding hosted by the groom’s huge perfect family at their ocean homestead surrounded by their loving family and friends who have lived their lives there together and are rightly proud of their family dynasty- as they should be because they are amazing and accept my daughter with open arms. Shame is beating on my skull as I writhe with thoughts of everything I should have done and said and given and bought and provided and affirmed and soothed if I wasn’t such a weird scared phony awkward eccentric with family trouble so unaddressed that family is now completely estranged. My daughter now has a new perfect shiny family so I should feel only joy for her! And of course I do - except- for shame, for shame, for shame, I just feel miserable for our tiny family’s sense of loss, and terrified that she has a new improved mother who is helpful, loving, happy, social and available. My puny life was just mortifyingly on display and I’m glad to have read Polly this morning and will try to have some self-compassion.
Reading this made me want to literally strip down, sprint through the living room shrieking, and then eat cake with my hands. Shame doesn’t stand a chance when joy gets that unruly. Thanks for the reminder that life gets way more fun when we stop auditioning and just let ourselves be the weird, wonderful mess we already are.
It’s like we’re cosmically connected or something because your newsletter in my inbox today was a huge help to me. I saw a picture that an ex who brutally broke up with me nearly a year ago posted of himself looking really smug and I felt such DEEP shame.
I felt ashamed that I still feel deeply hurt and angry that he gets to live his life and I have to deal with these everyday barrage of emotions. Ashamed that I’m still not “over it”. Ashamed that I wish my life was like a rom com and I could get my chance to stick it to the man. Ashamed that I thought he looked nice and that the dress I tried on at reformation earlier in the day made me look awful and reminded me of the times my mum would make comments about my growing body.
Worries that maybe the girl he’s with now or wanting to be with is everything that I couldn’t be no matter how hard I tried but maybe I didn’t try enough? More shame.
Then I read this and nearly cried at the coffee shop but then I held that back too because of shame. Thank you for writing this because it really mirrored back to me how much I’ve let it control my life.
From the perspective of Affect Theory which seems emotion (affect) as core, shame is an innate affect and its forms include embarrassment, shyness, humiliation. I highly recommend the seminal work about shame by G. Kaufman, Shame and the Power of Caring, which was foundational in the Recovery Movement and has been widely quoted and copied. When you hear someone talk about a shame spiral (like Cher in Clueless), that’s where the term originated.
Jeez, Polly it's so much fun to read your amazing posts. Shame is just one of the simple tools Homo sapiens who have been trained to be afraid of fun use to try and lever others into one of the most bleak circles of hell. But who the fuck is kidding who. It's really like this:
I don’t know how to do a good job at work without shame. My primary motivations are:
1. I should do this thing to prove I am amazing
2. I better to do this to prove I’m not a total POS
Every damn thing we do as children is evaluated and labeled in mostly innocuous seeming ways. You took a nap? Good job!! You stacked some blocks?! Wow, you’re amazing! Every damn thing we do is brought back to our selves. We can’t just do something and not have it MEAN something about ourselves, our worth, and our (as children) ability to survive. Everyone thinks I’m a cuckoo for not telling my child “good job,” but I try to celebrate his wins with him and not make them about HIM. (I hope he doesn’t think I’m withholding validation and I hope he feels my approval as unconditional but parenting is a crapshoot so who tf knows.)
ANYWAY, at work I try to focus on my sense of contributing, to the satisfaction of creating something. I try to enjoy my strengths rather than using them to prop up a sense of worth. I try not to label my weaknesses as moral failings, but just predispositions I’m doing my best to manage. But it’s hard to not overly focus on my performance and rely on shame as motivation, especially when you see your colleagues doing it and applying the good/bad framework to others.
"Every time you feel too much, care too much, long for too much, shame tells you that your pain means you’re pathetic and embarrassing and weak. Your most unique traits doom you to be isolated and rejected forever. You will always fail."
...oof. One of the most direct and impactful things I've read to date. I'd say this is especially true to those who are of a more neurodivergent persuasion, among other types of folks.
To be conditioned for feeling shame about what you love at the same time you're to feel ashamed of what you struggle with...it is a bit confusing, to put it in as benign and mild a light as I can think to. It's a fine way to help guide someone into a life in which they wake up in their mid-30s and feel no sense of accomplishment to speak of, regardless of any degrees or work accolades one may have accumulated. Everything, even straightforwardly praiseworthy things, are all too easily turned into additional monuments of shame. That doesn't really matter, that's weird to be interested in, that plaque was just given to you out of pity, et al.
Shame ensures that a sense of agency will remain completely at bay, I've noticed. Not the prettiest fate for as long as it remains in place.
I almost wonder if we don't have to banish it, we just need to recognize whose in the driver's seat. (Kind of like what Elizabeth Gilbert said about fear.)
Interesting -- so many women live with shame over their aging bodies, and yet you present the perfect, white, blond, female form at the top of your post about shame. How tone-deaf can you be?
Breathe free for a change - do I need to hear this a day after my daughter’s beautiful wedding hosted by the groom’s huge perfect family at their ocean homestead surrounded by their loving family and friends who have lived their lives there together and are rightly proud of their family dynasty- as they should be because they are amazing and accept my daughter with open arms. Shame is beating on my skull as I writhe with thoughts of everything I should have done and said and given and bought and provided and affirmed and soothed if I wasn’t such a weird scared phony awkward eccentric with family trouble so unaddressed that family is now completely estranged. My daughter now has a new perfect shiny family so I should feel only joy for her! And of course I do - except- for shame, for shame, for shame, I just feel miserable for our tiny family’s sense of loss, and terrified that she has a new improved mother who is helpful, loving, happy, social and available. My puny life was just mortifyingly on display and I’m glad to have read Polly this morning and will try to have some self-compassion.
I think I’ll make myself a bracelet that says “Shameless” as a constant reminder.
Reading this made me want to literally strip down, sprint through the living room shrieking, and then eat cake with my hands. Shame doesn’t stand a chance when joy gets that unruly. Thanks for the reminder that life gets way more fun when we stop auditioning and just let ourselves be the weird, wonderful mess we already are.
It’s like we’re cosmically connected or something because your newsletter in my inbox today was a huge help to me. I saw a picture that an ex who brutally broke up with me nearly a year ago posted of himself looking really smug and I felt such DEEP shame.
I felt ashamed that I still feel deeply hurt and angry that he gets to live his life and I have to deal with these everyday barrage of emotions. Ashamed that I’m still not “over it”. Ashamed that I wish my life was like a rom com and I could get my chance to stick it to the man. Ashamed that I thought he looked nice and that the dress I tried on at reformation earlier in the day made me look awful and reminded me of the times my mum would make comments about my growing body.
Worries that maybe the girl he’s with now or wanting to be with is everything that I couldn’t be no matter how hard I tried but maybe I didn’t try enough? More shame.
Then I read this and nearly cried at the coffee shop but then I held that back too because of shame. Thank you for writing this because it really mirrored back to me how much I’ve let it control my life.
Interesting
From the perspective of Affect Theory which seems emotion (affect) as core, shame is an innate affect and its forms include embarrassment, shyness, humiliation. I highly recommend the seminal work about shame by G. Kaufman, Shame and the Power of Caring, which was foundational in the Recovery Movement and has been widely quoted and copied. When you hear someone talk about a shame spiral (like Cher in Clueless), that’s where the term originated.
What an important and powerful essay! Thank you, Heather!
Jeez, Polly it's so much fun to read your amazing posts. Shame is just one of the simple tools Homo sapiens who have been trained to be afraid of fun use to try and lever others into one of the most bleak circles of hell. But who the fuck is kidding who. It's really like this:
Some Kiss We Want
There is some kiss we want with
our whole lives, the touch of
spirit on the body.
Seawater
begs the pearl to break its shell.
And the lily, how passionately
it needs some wild darling!
At night, I open the window and ask
the moon to come and press its
face against mine.
Breathe into me.
Close the language-door and
open the love window.
The moon
won't use the door, only the window.
Jawallal Rumi
Translator: Coleman Barks
AND FOR SURE LIKE THIS:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8eGGSZUfEGA&list=RD8eGGSZUfEGA&start_radio=1
"Stop Making Sense" and START HAVING FUN!
Don’t play no games with dumbasses. Fuckin unchain, fall madly in love with you, your very own you yourself.
A most insightful, comprehensive, and well written essay. I’m saving this one - it’s a gem. Thank you so much. 🤍✨
I don’t know how to do a good job at work without shame. My primary motivations are:
1. I should do this thing to prove I am amazing
2. I better to do this to prove I’m not a total POS
Every damn thing we do as children is evaluated and labeled in mostly innocuous seeming ways. You took a nap? Good job!! You stacked some blocks?! Wow, you’re amazing! Every damn thing we do is brought back to our selves. We can’t just do something and not have it MEAN something about ourselves, our worth, and our (as children) ability to survive. Everyone thinks I’m a cuckoo for not telling my child “good job,” but I try to celebrate his wins with him and not make them about HIM. (I hope he doesn’t think I’m withholding validation and I hope he feels my approval as unconditional but parenting is a crapshoot so who tf knows.)
ANYWAY, at work I try to focus on my sense of contributing, to the satisfaction of creating something. I try to enjoy my strengths rather than using them to prop up a sense of worth. I try not to label my weaknesses as moral failings, but just predispositions I’m doing my best to manage. But it’s hard to not overly focus on my performance and rely on shame as motivation, especially when you see your colleagues doing it and applying the good/bad framework to others.
"Every time you feel too much, care too much, long for too much, shame tells you that your pain means you’re pathetic and embarrassing and weak. Your most unique traits doom you to be isolated and rejected forever. You will always fail."
...oof. One of the most direct and impactful things I've read to date. I'd say this is especially true to those who are of a more neurodivergent persuasion, among other types of folks.
To be conditioned for feeling shame about what you love at the same time you're to feel ashamed of what you struggle with...it is a bit confusing, to put it in as benign and mild a light as I can think to. It's a fine way to help guide someone into a life in which they wake up in their mid-30s and feel no sense of accomplishment to speak of, regardless of any degrees or work accolades one may have accumulated. Everything, even straightforwardly praiseworthy things, are all too easily turned into additional monuments of shame. That doesn't really matter, that's weird to be interested in, that plaque was just given to you out of pity, et al.
Shame ensures that a sense of agency will remain completely at bay, I've noticed. Not the prettiest fate for as long as it remains in place.
Thanks for this piece.
I almost wonder if we don't have to banish it, we just need to recognize whose in the driver's seat. (Kind of like what Elizabeth Gilbert said about fear.)
This is brilliant, thank you so much. I'm heading out thanks to you.
what if shame wasn't banished but integrated? does running from something give it more power?
Wow it’s amazing❤️ thank you for writing this
Interesting -- so many women live with shame over their aging bodies, and yet you present the perfect, white, blond, female form at the top of your post about shame. How tone-deaf can you be?