Thank you for this column. Lately I feel similar as you described in the begining of your posts. I had a break up last year, and not, at 33, almost 34, I really long for having a partner, children and a family and I'm not really satisfied with my curent situation. I think I prefer sleeping. I had an even worse phase this winter, and now somedays it's better, but some days I feel like you describe.. Waking up, all I want to do is sleep, I want to be loved, and I dread all the duties in the day, especially work and excersise. So i binge Gilmore Girls. I'm not even looking forward to summer anymore. I'm going to reread your post and try to find that exuberance.
What does exuberance look like when you’re home with two small kids (ages 4 and 1) all day? I’m a PhD student, and COVID hit right after I came back from maternity leave with my youngest. Since then, I’ve been home full time with both, and making (slow, but fairly steady) progress on my thesis on nights and weekends. I have big dreams for myself and most days I feel I’m making progress on them, but my days with the kids feel like they stretch on forever. We do activities, we go outside, but it just feels endless right now. They have so many needs, they’re so loud, they have their own opinions on everything, my daughter talks and sings nonstop. I know I should be enjoying this time with them, but I really struggle to relax and enjoy it when it feels so endless. Sometimes when I’m sitting outside while they’re playing I can take a deep breath and feel content and maybe even exuberant, but I struggle to hang onto that feeling through tantrums, diaper changes, cleaning food off the floor, the millionth load of laundry, etc. I’m hoping to readjust my kids-PhD time balance soon by getting some help with childcare, but I’m slightly worried about myself because I’ve always sort of felt this way. Even before COVID, when I had a better balance, I usually enjoyed my PhD time much more than my kid time. When I’m doing technical work I can relax and be completely immersed in it, but I experience being at home with the kids as simultaneously boring and overwhelming. How do I change that? I found your column so helpful because it reminded me of how good life can feel when I’m curious and engaged and eager to discover something new. I want to be able to show that side of myself to my kids, I just don’t know how.
We sound very similar, as people with kids who also find fulfillment in technical work and mayyyybe not so much in the kid stuff. I’m going to take a wild guess that you’re also an introvert who needs some damn time alone to refresh. But I’m coming from the future (my kid is 11, and yes, being home with him every day as a single mom has been EXHAUSTING because I DIDN’T SIGN UP TO HOMESCHOOL FOR 16 MONTHS I JUST WANT TO WORK BY MYSELF!)… but… there are days when I’m able to recalibrate my thinking. Sometimes the impulse when I’m in the middle of writing something and my kid comes in to the room singing I’m a little annoyed, but also? WOW! I have a kid to comes into my room to sing! Because he’s happy and wants to share it! So I stop and sing with him, maybe pester him into having a 60-second dance party, give him a hug and a kiss and tell him that I need 10-15 more minutes to finish my work and he goes off to do his own thing again. Or sometimes he’ll come in because he’s sad — WOW I HAVE A KID WHO TELLS ME ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS! Sometimes he just wants to sit next to me and watch TikToks on his phone while I write emails so I give him headphones because WOW I HAVE A KID WHO WANTS TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM AS ME!
So think of every little interruption/inconvenience when they’re younger and can’t verbalize all of their thoughts and feelings as an opportunity to build little people who know they can trust you and love you and will come to you when they’re happy, sad, lonely, or bored. Talk to them about the things you’re curious, engaged, and eager about. (I half-cornered my son into a rant about tax brackets the other day because I was thinking about them and he came into the room wanting to chat but didn’t have a topic. He wasn’t all that interested, but also didn’t care because he just wanted to engage!)
Thank you! This gave me some good ideas to think about. Lately I’ve been trying to escape this feeling that my days are a never-ending to do list that I’m perpetually running behind on. Your comment made me realize that even though I spend a lot of time physically present with my kids, I don’t spend very much time really noticing them - how they’re feeling, what they’re thinking, etc. I do a lot of scanning the room and telling them to “stop that” or “get down from there” and of course we cuddle and sing and dance and read and do fun stuff too. But I think I’m going to try to experiment with paying more attention to what’s going on inside their heads and see where that takes me. Thank you!
I teach math at a university, but wish I were doing something more creative, and hate all the grading and bureaucracy. The days that go best for me, and I think for my students, are the ones where I am either too tired to micromanage (and judge) my performance or the ones where I say, "To hell with it. I don't know what works. I'm going to make this fun for me." Trying too hard to be a "good girl" might be 90% of my problem, especially when the "good girl" standard set by my crazy parents was, and ever will be, impossible to meet.
Maybe the reason all the usual self-help advice hasn't worked is because some part of me is bristling at the vision it seems to be aiming for: well-adjusted, efficient, bland, success (as determined mainly by people I wouldn't even like). It is aiming more for un-failure rather than exuberant life.
I seem to think that whatever higher power there is wants me to be to be a perfectionistic housekeeper, an exemplary worker for a heartless company, or slavish in serving my family. It seems like I might think these are the ultimate goals. All evidence appears to point towards something much more playful at work here on this planet. A cornucopia of strange, beautiful, and playful animals exist. Voluptuous flowers. And phenomenal comedy.
So, hell yes to finding new, better goals like exuberance. "Being full of unrestrained enthusiasm or joy" -- it sounds amazing. What a great vision!
Amen. That reminds me of In Praise of Risk, by Anne Dufourmantelle, one of most influential book I’ve read in the last few years… I keep going back to it because essentially, the message is this: if you don’t risk (feel, connect, engage) you are living a death.
Read this for probably the 20th time today. It really is a medicine for me when I’m feeling like I’m just about to lose it. When I’m fed up and meh, this article always, always, always helps.
I've been reading you for so many iterations of Ask Polly, and substack is my favorite iteration of all. It's so good to read you being so wildly and wonderfully (what feels like) yourself!
Yes agreed on all these comments below. Somehow sliced into my day exactly on time with exactly the right message. Mind blown emoji. You’re so friggen’ cool
How did you know I ate a bag of potato chips for lunch?
You're a wonderful writer; and I am in a state of delighted awe every time I read your work! Huge fan girl of the utmost proportions over here!
Thank you for this column. Lately I feel similar as you described in the begining of your posts. I had a break up last year, and not, at 33, almost 34, I really long for having a partner, children and a family and I'm not really satisfied with my curent situation. I think I prefer sleeping. I had an even worse phase this winter, and now somedays it's better, but some days I feel like you describe.. Waking up, all I want to do is sleep, I want to be loved, and I dread all the duties in the day, especially work and excersise. So i binge Gilmore Girls. I'm not even looking forward to summer anymore. I'm going to reread your post and try to find that exuberance.
Lying in bed, Heather, and thinking of NOT writing the column and having pancakes is MY idea of some pretty good Exuberance, Woman!
Wholly fucking shit that was good :)
What does exuberance look like when you’re home with two small kids (ages 4 and 1) all day? I’m a PhD student, and COVID hit right after I came back from maternity leave with my youngest. Since then, I’ve been home full time with both, and making (slow, but fairly steady) progress on my thesis on nights and weekends. I have big dreams for myself and most days I feel I’m making progress on them, but my days with the kids feel like they stretch on forever. We do activities, we go outside, but it just feels endless right now. They have so many needs, they’re so loud, they have their own opinions on everything, my daughter talks and sings nonstop. I know I should be enjoying this time with them, but I really struggle to relax and enjoy it when it feels so endless. Sometimes when I’m sitting outside while they’re playing I can take a deep breath and feel content and maybe even exuberant, but I struggle to hang onto that feeling through tantrums, diaper changes, cleaning food off the floor, the millionth load of laundry, etc. I’m hoping to readjust my kids-PhD time balance soon by getting some help with childcare, but I’m slightly worried about myself because I’ve always sort of felt this way. Even before COVID, when I had a better balance, I usually enjoyed my PhD time much more than my kid time. When I’m doing technical work I can relax and be completely immersed in it, but I experience being at home with the kids as simultaneously boring and overwhelming. How do I change that? I found your column so helpful because it reminded me of how good life can feel when I’m curious and engaged and eager to discover something new. I want to be able to show that side of myself to my kids, I just don’t know how.
We sound very similar, as people with kids who also find fulfillment in technical work and mayyyybe not so much in the kid stuff. I’m going to take a wild guess that you’re also an introvert who needs some damn time alone to refresh. But I’m coming from the future (my kid is 11, and yes, being home with him every day as a single mom has been EXHAUSTING because I DIDN’T SIGN UP TO HOMESCHOOL FOR 16 MONTHS I JUST WANT TO WORK BY MYSELF!)… but… there are days when I’m able to recalibrate my thinking. Sometimes the impulse when I’m in the middle of writing something and my kid comes in to the room singing I’m a little annoyed, but also? WOW! I have a kid to comes into my room to sing! Because he’s happy and wants to share it! So I stop and sing with him, maybe pester him into having a 60-second dance party, give him a hug and a kiss and tell him that I need 10-15 more minutes to finish my work and he goes off to do his own thing again. Or sometimes he’ll come in because he’s sad — WOW I HAVE A KID WHO TELLS ME ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS! Sometimes he just wants to sit next to me and watch TikToks on his phone while I write emails so I give him headphones because WOW I HAVE A KID WHO WANTS TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM AS ME!
So think of every little interruption/inconvenience when they’re younger and can’t verbalize all of their thoughts and feelings as an opportunity to build little people who know they can trust you and love you and will come to you when they’re happy, sad, lonely, or bored. Talk to them about the things you’re curious, engaged, and eager about. (I half-cornered my son into a rant about tax brackets the other day because I was thinking about them and he came into the room wanting to chat but didn’t have a topic. He wasn’t all that interested, but also didn’t care because he just wanted to engage!)
Thank you! This gave me some good ideas to think about. Lately I’ve been trying to escape this feeling that my days are a never-ending to do list that I’m perpetually running behind on. Your comment made me realize that even though I spend a lot of time physically present with my kids, I don’t spend very much time really noticing them - how they’re feeling, what they’re thinking, etc. I do a lot of scanning the room and telling them to “stop that” or “get down from there” and of course we cuddle and sing and dance and read and do fun stuff too. But I think I’m going to try to experiment with paying more attention to what’s going on inside their heads and see where that takes me. Thank you!
I teach math at a university, but wish I were doing something more creative, and hate all the grading and bureaucracy. The days that go best for me, and I think for my students, are the ones where I am either too tired to micromanage (and judge) my performance or the ones where I say, "To hell with it. I don't know what works. I'm going to make this fun for me." Trying too hard to be a "good girl" might be 90% of my problem, especially when the "good girl" standard set by my crazy parents was, and ever will be, impossible to meet.
Maybe the reason all the usual self-help advice hasn't worked is because some part of me is bristling at the vision it seems to be aiming for: well-adjusted, efficient, bland, success (as determined mainly by people I wouldn't even like). It is aiming more for un-failure rather than exuberant life.
I seem to think that whatever higher power there is wants me to be to be a perfectionistic housekeeper, an exemplary worker for a heartless company, or slavish in serving my family. It seems like I might think these are the ultimate goals. All evidence appears to point towards something much more playful at work here on this planet. A cornucopia of strange, beautiful, and playful animals exist. Voluptuous flowers. And phenomenal comedy.
So, hell yes to finding new, better goals like exuberance. "Being full of unrestrained enthusiasm or joy" -- it sounds amazing. What a great vision!
Amen. That reminds me of In Praise of Risk, by Anne Dufourmantelle, one of most influential book I’ve read in the last few years… I keep going back to it because essentially, the message is this: if you don’t risk (feel, connect, engage) you are living a death.
You capture so much truth in your writing! A philosopher of our times. I love coming back to this one in particular.
I do the same whenever I'm in a funk
Read this for probably the 20th time today. It really is a medicine for me when I’m feeling like I’m just about to lose it. When I’m fed up and meh, this article always, always, always helps.
I've been reading you for so many iterations of Ask Polly, and substack is my favorite iteration of all. It's so good to read you being so wildly and wonderfully (what feels like) yourself!
your writing has been my favourite companion of late
Do you think exuberance gets easier with practice? Asking for a friend. 🥺
If it takes the place of fear, it must get easier. 💚
Yes agreed on all these comments below. Somehow sliced into my day exactly on time with exactly the right message. Mind blown emoji. You’re so friggen’ cool
Beautiful. I love your character journey to someone who uses words like energy now. ❤️