Stephen Sondheim, who died at 91 a few days ago, had a lot to say about this. Here is the last stanza of “Move On” from “Sunday in the Park with George,” a whole musical play about the challenges of a creative life:
Stop worrying if your vision
Is new
Let others make that decision-
They usually do
You keep moving on.
Move on!
Find the song “Move On,” or better yet, the whole play, online somewhere. Listen to George (based on Georges Seurat, a role created by the amazing Mandy Patinkin, a.k.a. Inigo Montoya) sing about “Finishing the Hat”:
This really put words to the feelings rolling around in me today. So many of us are toad-ladies today, wanting the world to fuck right off while we hibernate in our jammies.
Bless you also for elucidating that creative drive to *be stunningly unique!!* Most days I’m happy to just express my little creative heart, but sometimes I browbeat myself to be some innovative genius. I need the constant reminders to just walk, just be, just make.
It’s also important to remember that we are STILL in the middle of a friggin’ pandemic. People burned out. Jobs aren’t hiring (because, speaking as someone who wears the hiring manager hat sometimes, we’re burned out… and also budgets are low and everything is crazy and agghggh).
But, aside from that, as someone who was in a creative university program not tooooo long ago (5-10 years): if I compared the creative output I generated when I was ~paying money to be assigned projects & receive feedback based on my level of ability~ to what I was creating, uhhh, at home with no deadlines or curated assignments or structure or motivation other than that I want to do things? Well. I’d write the letter you just sent.
I am a painter who had trouble making anything for a long time.
The advice: “Just do it,” was very unhelpful. What did help was to quit worrying about the outcome or the audience and just enjoy the process.
My son struggled to draw a bicycle one day. He was frustrated, but I pointed out that each attempt was bursting with personality and emotions. He didn’t understand what I meant and said “ those drawings suck.”
It has been years now, and he is a mathematician who has learned the value of enjoyment and play—you can always see and feel it in the work. So, now we joke about our Theory of Pro-Sucktivity-if you are just willing to embrace your sucky process, you will sometimes make something great. And if not, at least you had fun.
When I saw that New York Times alert in my updates tab on Thanksgiving Day, I said aloud to an empty room: DON'T TELL US. This newsletter made me cry, starting at "No one can tell you that. But since I'm a fucking toad, I'll tell you right now that I feel sure that you will." Agreed: it's obvious there in the letter. <3
I just finished watching the epic Beatles documentary "Get Back," which brought home the point about the messiness of the creative process and the power of just . . . starting. These four guys were in a room together hour after hour for pretty much an entire month. They played their own old songs. They played other people's songs. They played new songs. They riffed and jammed and made some terrible noises. Yoko screamed for a while, Linda's daughter screamed for a while. They sang joke songs. They farted around. But they always had their instruments in their hands and they were always making some kind of noise. And you know what happened? "Let It Be." "Across the Universe." "The Long and Winding Road." You gotta crack those eggs to make the omelette.
I needed Polly's advice so much. I am once again back in procrastination jail with humongous mental/emotional blocks against both work and anything creative (but mostly work). I always think it comes from fear of judgment but there's also some teenaged rebellion thrown in there, as I realized yesterday when I wouldn't rake leaves because one of my perfect-lawn neighbors was out manicuring her manicured yard and I didn't want her to see me working on my yard and being "good". (Nothing to unpack here...)
When I was in a similar procrastination funk in grad school I found a group (it was a take-off on 12 step programs run by Quakers) that helped me immensely and what worked was forgetting to worry about how I was doing. Easier said than done, of course!! I think it helps to stop looking for approval from perennially disapproving people, i.e. all of my family and bosses. I didn't even know that was possible until I met kind people who were not focused on power or winning or looking impressive.
In 12 step meetings they say: "do the next right thing". It always sounds like weak tea to me, like there's no way that could be powerful enough to heal what ails me. I'm going to think of it as sneaking past the resistance monster instead of fighting it. Fighting it (myself) is like thrashing around in quicksand. It only makes things worse, but I keep doing it over and over and over! I like the idea of sneaking past the enemy, and stealing some creative fire from right under its nose.
Thank you, Toad-Lady! Your struggle is our struggle too. I love the part about the enormous suckage, that's what always stops me but I'm going to try more and more and work right through that part, knowing I am not alone.
Stephen Sondheim, who died at 91 a few days ago, had a lot to say about this. Here is the last stanza of “Move On” from “Sunday in the Park with George,” a whole musical play about the challenges of a creative life:
Stop worrying if your vision
Is new
Let others make that decision-
They usually do
You keep moving on.
Move on!
Find the song “Move On,” or better yet, the whole play, online somewhere. Listen to George (based on Georges Seurat, a role created by the amazing Mandy Patinkin, a.k.a. Inigo Montoya) sing about “Finishing the Hat”:
“Look I made a hat
where there never was a hat.”
This really put words to the feelings rolling around in me today. So many of us are toad-ladies today, wanting the world to fuck right off while we hibernate in our jammies.
Bless you also for elucidating that creative drive to *be stunningly unique!!* Most days I’m happy to just express my little creative heart, but sometimes I browbeat myself to be some innovative genius. I need the constant reminders to just walk, just be, just make.
It’s also important to remember that we are STILL in the middle of a friggin’ pandemic. People burned out. Jobs aren’t hiring (because, speaking as someone who wears the hiring manager hat sometimes, we’re burned out… and also budgets are low and everything is crazy and agghggh).
But, aside from that, as someone who was in a creative university program not tooooo long ago (5-10 years): if I compared the creative output I generated when I was ~paying money to be assigned projects & receive feedback based on my level of ability~ to what I was creating, uhhh, at home with no deadlines or curated assignments or structure or motivation other than that I want to do things? Well. I’d write the letter you just sent.
The frog in his jammies really made me laugh - thank you for playing your kazoo, Heather, it is exactly what I needed to hear!
I am a painter who had trouble making anything for a long time.
The advice: “Just do it,” was very unhelpful. What did help was to quit worrying about the outcome or the audience and just enjoy the process.
My son struggled to draw a bicycle one day. He was frustrated, but I pointed out that each attempt was bursting with personality and emotions. He didn’t understand what I meant and said “ those drawings suck.”
It has been years now, and he is a mathematician who has learned the value of enjoyment and play—you can always see and feel it in the work. So, now we joke about our Theory of Pro-Sucktivity-if you are just willing to embrace your sucky process, you will sometimes make something great. And if not, at least you had fun.
As a tadpole and not yet a toad, I appreciated this
thanks HH, needed this one today. Set up the novel software on my work computer so I can write garbage when I am tired of work.
This was the gentle, sullen smack in the head I needed to order some materials to start the re-writes / new chapters for my book
When I saw that New York Times alert in my updates tab on Thanksgiving Day, I said aloud to an empty room: DON'T TELL US. This newsletter made me cry, starting at "No one can tell you that. But since I'm a fucking toad, I'll tell you right now that I feel sure that you will." Agreed: it's obvious there in the letter. <3
I just finished watching the epic Beatles documentary "Get Back," which brought home the point about the messiness of the creative process and the power of just . . . starting. These four guys were in a room together hour after hour for pretty much an entire month. They played their own old songs. They played other people's songs. They played new songs. They riffed and jammed and made some terrible noises. Yoko screamed for a while, Linda's daughter screamed for a while. They sang joke songs. They farted around. But they always had their instruments in their hands and they were always making some kind of noise. And you know what happened? "Let It Be." "Across the Universe." "The Long and Winding Road." You gotta crack those eggs to make the omelette.
I needed this! And I love the toad metaphor. This reminds me of what Anne Lamott wrote having to go through bad writing to get to the good. https://wrd.as.uky.edu/sites/default/files/1-Shitty%20First%20Drafts.pdf
I needed Polly's advice so much. I am once again back in procrastination jail with humongous mental/emotional blocks against both work and anything creative (but mostly work). I always think it comes from fear of judgment but there's also some teenaged rebellion thrown in there, as I realized yesterday when I wouldn't rake leaves because one of my perfect-lawn neighbors was out manicuring her manicured yard and I didn't want her to see me working on my yard and being "good". (Nothing to unpack here...)
When I was in a similar procrastination funk in grad school I found a group (it was a take-off on 12 step programs run by Quakers) that helped me immensely and what worked was forgetting to worry about how I was doing. Easier said than done, of course!! I think it helps to stop looking for approval from perennially disapproving people, i.e. all of my family and bosses. I didn't even know that was possible until I met kind people who were not focused on power or winning or looking impressive.
In 12 step meetings they say: "do the next right thing". It always sounds like weak tea to me, like there's no way that could be powerful enough to heal what ails me. I'm going to think of it as sneaking past the resistance monster instead of fighting it. Fighting it (myself) is like thrashing around in quicksand. It only makes things worse, but I keep doing it over and over and over! I like the idea of sneaking past the enemy, and stealing some creative fire from right under its nose.
Thank you, Toad-Lady! Your struggle is our struggle too. I love the part about the enormous suckage, that's what always stops me but I'm going to try more and more and work right through that part, knowing I am not alone.