Gosh, Heather. Your responses reveal the universal experiences of being human - our weakness and strength. I began reading thinking la la la, I won't relate to this poly question while still deeply curious about the reader's struggle. And lo and behold, I see myself. You see yourself.
Reckless, callous, trauma-informed coping strategies. Blame, guilt, mind over matter failing until we confront the feelings and move through each truth. You meticulously pulled apart what she needed to see and hear. In turn, gifting all of us a mirror. Thank you!
Also, I’m commenting as someone who asked my partner if we could try poly. He was uncomfortable, and I said, “Okie-dokie.” My response might not be right for everyone, but it’s what I chose .
I've seen poly work with one partner not poly, but it is a lot of slow and careful negotiation. Usually it starts with a fundamental sex drive mismatch, but the love and relationship are too solid to lose. And that can totally work, with one poly and one monogamous or monogamish. But not a mono person trying to do poly without that desire. That's just... obscene isn't the right word, but it makes my skin crawl, and I just want to give that poor letterwriter a long hug. How awful.
Exactly! We were in the same situation. My husband didn't want to be polyamorous, and so we stuck together monogamously. Fast-forward seven years, he and a mutual friend's girlfriend were enjoying each other's company, so we revisited the poly conversation. We've now been poly for seventeen years, and I don't regret any of the extra time and care we put into making it a good transition. We did our best to make sure no one felt abandoned or out of control -- like when my husband and his new girlfriend went on dates, our platonic housemate and I hung out with the mutual friend so that no one would be left stewing home alone -- and even then, I think it still took a good bit of courage for our mutual friend. I didn't have a new partner of my own for almost a year, mostly because I was super busy, but it was also simpler to only make one big change to our marriage at a time. So I'm sending lots of compassion to GORP, and hoping that this extra context helps illuminate how much the situation wasn't her responsibility. [ed: not sure if I used the right pronoun there -- I'm sorry if I messed it up]
"...all of whom were driving this Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride-style groovy fuckmobile forward at full speed...." Train wreck: Train meets fuckmobile, I've seen it happen. People can experiment however they like with life, but what happens when the fullness of love is missing? People get hurt, children get hurt permanently. Hugs
This was sterling advice Polly. I felt this one. Best of luck to this letter writer. At least they are out of the shitstorm now, these things can drag on excruciatingly. A clean break is a good start
I think the last point is spot on - trying to rearrange one's own DNA to fit someone else's need, that's often a childhood pattern.
You my dear are not poly. Not remotely. You violated yourself to try to give your partner what you wanted. That's the true betrayal - of you by, well, both of you! You tried so hard to be good giving and game that you forgot that you matter too.
And your ex was the one who changed the contract. Doesn't make her bad, it's likely her wiring and she didn't know. That's growth and it's good. But the way, that wasn't good. That way was how erotica is written (fantasy only!), not how ethical non-monogamy textbooks that are meant to be applied to real life.
I have a lot of poly friends, and have seen lots of ways it goes down. (Heh)
I'm not going to say it rarely works between one person with poly wiring and one without. But that's the hardest arrangement, and it takes so much negotiation and emotional honesty and care and tears when running hard into the (many) invisible walls you didn't even know were there, and then figuring out the way forward. You didn't get ANY of that.
It must have felt like you were raping yourself, while your partner cheered it all on.
I'm so sorry, how utterly fucked and brutal. No wonder you turtled. That's a trauma response - when you're being hurt and can't fight or flee, people freeze or fawn. Have you ever tried trauma therapy? I found huge help from EMDR therapy - it's crazy fast and effective - and from therapeutic psychedelics (meaning under the care of a therapist, with journaling for 2 weeks after).
At the end of the day you gave away yourself for another's needs, and your partner went for what she needed and didn't safeguard you enough. Both of you have work to do... but it's good work, and work you can AND MUST do, so you don't ever again sell yourself for another person's needs. That's a cycle to break. You deserve more.
I want to say thank you so much for writing this comment. A similar thing happened to me, I had mixed feelings like the OP but at the end I felt I had no choice but to go along with it. It was a no-win situation. I'm still not over it and have been holding it inside me because most don't get it. Yet there's still some comfort in the same person.
Not many understand these things you mentioned "it must have felt like you were raping yourself, while your partner cheered it all on." and "At the end of the day you gave away yourself for another's needs, and your partner went for what she needed and didn't safeguard you enough."
"...you’re just a person who landed in an emotionally devastating situation and it kicked up prehistoric trauma and coping strategies that you had no way of understanding in the moment."
Not attaching humiliation to the experience of pain is the most underdiscussed part of healing. I have never seen it put into words like this, and I feel like you've just handed me a huge gift.
I've been working on acknowledging my pain (both emotional and chronic pain) for years, but this is the part that sometimes gets overlooked.
Side note - for anyone considering exploring polyamory or other forms of consentual nonmonogamy, brushing up on long-standing poly relationship skills, or even expanding your understanding of monogamy with no intention of adding more partners, I highly recommend reading "PolySecure" and "PolyWise," by Jessica Fern. These are extremely useful tools at any stage of your relationship journey.
I have so much compassion for the client in your story. I was always morphing into what someone wanted me to be, and forcing myself to mask my feelings so I could try that threesome someone wanted. And then took more drugs instead of feeling!
It's been a lot of work, but I finally can be my authentic self a love her! Married her, actually! We are very happy, and I think I'm who I was looking for the whole time anyway! nora ann.
I think that everything comes together in the same feeling, no matter what the subject is called. Failing to meet the same expectation. Because I believe that no one can achieve a sustainable result by being the person the other person wants, I think that lives that match without expectations are easily and lovingly nourished.
I have been with my life partner for 12 years, and since we started, we have not even thought about whether we will be together after 1 year. But we thought that we should show who we are in order to make each other and ourselves equally happy every new day. Our desires were always matched by chance, and we lived with the peace of this. Of course, 12 years is a long period. And we all change as we get older. We started to observe the differences in our lifestyles lately. And we decided to write down what we can match about what comes from within us and match them.
Time will show what kind of result we will get, but no one should be able to make themselves and the other person happy without losing their authentic self, mutually.
Man, it's so true that my pesky emotions are subterranean forces and make me do shit I don't understand until things fall apart. And then I do! Thank you so much for offering compassion when it's easy to offer criticism, and to remind us that that's what we deserve.
Gosh, Heather. Your responses reveal the universal experiences of being human - our weakness and strength. I began reading thinking la la la, I won't relate to this poly question while still deeply curious about the reader's struggle. And lo and behold, I see myself. You see yourself.
Reckless, callous, trauma-informed coping strategies. Blame, guilt, mind over matter failing until we confront the feelings and move through each truth. You meticulously pulled apart what she needed to see and hear. In turn, gifting all of us a mirror. Thank you!
Omg This was beautifully written. Couldn’t agree more. Grace for being very human 🫶🏻
Also, I’m commenting as someone who asked my partner if we could try poly. He was uncomfortable, and I said, “Okie-dokie.” My response might not be right for everyone, but it’s what I chose .
I've seen poly work with one partner not poly, but it is a lot of slow and careful negotiation. Usually it starts with a fundamental sex drive mismatch, but the love and relationship are too solid to lose. And that can totally work, with one poly and one monogamous or monogamish. But not a mono person trying to do poly without that desire. That's just... obscene isn't the right word, but it makes my skin crawl, and I just want to give that poor letterwriter a long hug. How awful.
Yesss; I think respectful mutuality is the key to so many relationships, whatever dynamics are at play.
I’d also love to give the writer of the letter a hug 😭
Exactly! We were in the same situation. My husband didn't want to be polyamorous, and so we stuck together monogamously. Fast-forward seven years, he and a mutual friend's girlfriend were enjoying each other's company, so we revisited the poly conversation. We've now been poly for seventeen years, and I don't regret any of the extra time and care we put into making it a good transition. We did our best to make sure no one felt abandoned or out of control -- like when my husband and his new girlfriend went on dates, our platonic housemate and I hung out with the mutual friend so that no one would be left stewing home alone -- and even then, I think it still took a good bit of courage for our mutual friend. I didn't have a new partner of my own for almost a year, mostly because I was super busy, but it was also simpler to only make one big change to our marriage at a time. So I'm sending lots of compassion to GORP, and hoping that this extra context helps illuminate how much the situation wasn't her responsibility. [ed: not sure if I used the right pronoun there -- I'm sorry if I messed it up]
"...all of whom were driving this Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride-style groovy fuckmobile forward at full speed...." Train wreck: Train meets fuckmobile, I've seen it happen. People can experiment however they like with life, but what happens when the fullness of love is missing? People get hurt, children get hurt permanently. Hugs
This was sterling advice Polly. I felt this one. Best of luck to this letter writer. At least they are out of the shitstorm now, these things can drag on excruciatingly. A clean break is a good start
I think the last point is spot on - trying to rearrange one's own DNA to fit someone else's need, that's often a childhood pattern.
You my dear are not poly. Not remotely. You violated yourself to try to give your partner what you wanted. That's the true betrayal - of you by, well, both of you! You tried so hard to be good giving and game that you forgot that you matter too.
And your ex was the one who changed the contract. Doesn't make her bad, it's likely her wiring and she didn't know. That's growth and it's good. But the way, that wasn't good. That way was how erotica is written (fantasy only!), not how ethical non-monogamy textbooks that are meant to be applied to real life.
I have a lot of poly friends, and have seen lots of ways it goes down. (Heh)
I'm not going to say it rarely works between one person with poly wiring and one without. But that's the hardest arrangement, and it takes so much negotiation and emotional honesty and care and tears when running hard into the (many) invisible walls you didn't even know were there, and then figuring out the way forward. You didn't get ANY of that.
It must have felt like you were raping yourself, while your partner cheered it all on.
I'm so sorry, how utterly fucked and brutal. No wonder you turtled. That's a trauma response - when you're being hurt and can't fight or flee, people freeze or fawn. Have you ever tried trauma therapy? I found huge help from EMDR therapy - it's crazy fast and effective - and from therapeutic psychedelics (meaning under the care of a therapist, with journaling for 2 weeks after).
At the end of the day you gave away yourself for another's needs, and your partner went for what she needed and didn't safeguard you enough. Both of you have work to do... but it's good work, and work you can AND MUST do, so you don't ever again sell yourself for another person's needs. That's a cycle to break. You deserve more.
I want to say thank you so much for writing this comment. A similar thing happened to me, I had mixed feelings like the OP but at the end I felt I had no choice but to go along with it. It was a no-win situation. I'm still not over it and have been holding it inside me because most don't get it. Yet there's still some comfort in the same person.
Not many understand these things you mentioned "it must have felt like you were raping yourself, while your partner cheered it all on." and "At the end of the day you gave away yourself for another's needs, and your partner went for what she needed and didn't safeguard you enough."
"...you’re just a person who landed in an emotionally devastating situation and it kicked up prehistoric trauma and coping strategies that you had no way of understanding in the moment."
Woof. I felt this one big time.
Super excellent Polly response, 100% that. I'm pro-poly and also pro-matchy-matchy-above-all, and WOW there isn't much that needs to be more matched.
Not attaching humiliation to the experience of pain is the most underdiscussed part of healing. I have never seen it put into words like this, and I feel like you've just handed me a huge gift.
I've been working on acknowledging my pain (both emotional and chronic pain) for years, but this is the part that sometimes gets overlooked.
Side note - for anyone considering exploring polyamory or other forms of consentual nonmonogamy, brushing up on long-standing poly relationship skills, or even expanding your understanding of monogamy with no intention of adding more partners, I highly recommend reading "PolySecure" and "PolyWise," by Jessica Fern. These are extremely useful tools at any stage of your relationship journey.
I have so much compassion for the client in your story. I was always morphing into what someone wanted me to be, and forcing myself to mask my feelings so I could try that threesome someone wanted. And then took more drugs instead of feeling!
It's been a lot of work, but I finally can be my authentic self a love her! Married her, actually! We are very happy, and I think I'm who I was looking for the whole time anyway! nora ann.
I think that everything comes together in the same feeling, no matter what the subject is called. Failing to meet the same expectation. Because I believe that no one can achieve a sustainable result by being the person the other person wants, I think that lives that match without expectations are easily and lovingly nourished.
I have been with my life partner for 12 years, and since we started, we have not even thought about whether we will be together after 1 year. But we thought that we should show who we are in order to make each other and ourselves equally happy every new day. Our desires were always matched by chance, and we lived with the peace of this. Of course, 12 years is a long period. And we all change as we get older. We started to observe the differences in our lifestyles lately. And we decided to write down what we can match about what comes from within us and match them.
Time will show what kind of result we will get, but no one should be able to make themselves and the other person happy without losing their authentic self, mutually.
Man, it's so true that my pesky emotions are subterranean forces and make me do shit I don't understand until things fall apart. And then I do! Thank you so much for offering compassion when it's easy to offer criticism, and to remind us that that's what we deserve.
Wow!!! Good tale beautifully told.