Wow, wow, wow. "This is your moment to start respecting your own ambitious, instead of trying to hide them." Beautiful, Polly & impeccable timing.
I was in a very similar situation to LW 2 years ago, unemployed and at a loss. All my passionate, ambitious energy was exhausted through beating myself up and obsessing over my failures. Today (no joke) I officially launched my own small business, something I never could have seen myself doing even 2 years ago, because it's kind of weird, because I'm sure there's someone more qualified, because creating it requires owning and honoring a big part of who I am without reservations. Because I was crippled by guilt and shame.
I'm not kidding when I say unemployment (and having to work a minimum wage retail job while paying off student loans, not utilizing the degree I have etc) was the humbling and reality check I needed to start on the path toward doing the things I actually want to be doing with my life. It was horrible too, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But I think what it initially taught me was: hey, I did the "respectable", I did the smart things, and not only did they not make me happy.. but they didn't guarantee any sort of physical or financial security. And actually I feel further away from myself because I did them. So I might as well do what I want...?
I understand the benefit and necessity of playing the long game. So if being a real estate agent can provide you the grounding and consistency to pursue your creating/writing dreams on the side, I think that's a solid decision. But if it's just a distraction.. if it's just going to spin you around in a circle instead of helping you get closer to the beautiful life you deserve, then maybe there's something else that could support the bigger vision for your life.
Mar 7, 2023·edited Mar 7, 2023Liked by Heather Havrilesky
I deeply love this question and this answer.
When I was twenty-eight I was at the tail end of writing a book. I knew I loved writing, and I had done some academic research in my early twenties that I thought would make a good book topic. I spent five years writing and rewriting the book; I submitted it to 80 agents and got two offers, I was high on my early success.
But the book wasn't...good. It wasn't good to *me.* It was an opportunistic book, something I pushed myself to write in order to become a Published Author. That act of writing it was miserable, jammed into corners around my other career and always approached with dread.
When my agent finally sent out the manuscript was roundly rejected by every publisher. After mourning the failure for over a year, a therapist recommended that I print the manuscript, gift wrap it, and put it on a shelf. That little package with a bow on top has followed me through three moves and still lives in my closet.
It took me another five years to start writing things I actually believe in, which turns out, like Heather, to be deeply personal essays. It feels totally different, in my body. Sure, I'm not always psyched to sit down and write, but overall my projects now have a warm, glowing aura versus existing as dark holes of struggle.
So basically, I agree wholeheartedly: pushing yourself even harder at something that isn't a fit with *you* will inevitably lead to a dead end.
I also love the characterization of 28 years old: "a very difficult age for someone like you, whose expectations are sky high even though you haven’t done anything that you value much yet." So true 😂
I love this letter and response, and tho I’m, ahem, a bit older than 28, I relate so much! But here’s my struggle: As a writer I adore metaphor but sometimes I feel so daft. Can anyone elaborate on Polly’s advice, or simplify it for me? Like the bit about training for a marathon instead of boring daily exercise, what are some practical tools, activities, for working on that nebulous task of loving myself? What are some small, and maybe big steps to take? My mind sometimes goes blank when I try to think how to put one foot in front of the other, rather than stay in bed watching reality tv or eating crap food!! ❤️
I'm reading this cuddled with a fluffy, sweet kitty who fills my heart with joy each day. LW, your kittens can be your respite from the difficulties of your days and also your teachers: my cat is so self-assured and absolutely unapologetic for his needs. It's an inspiration!
I love the idea of looking toward your shame to find what it is you want most. That's beautiful. LW you will find your way! I felt just like you at 28. I still am figuring things out 7 years later, but I promise it won't always be so tough, especially if you're asking these questions and writing in!
I'm so sorry about your mom, too. I'm sending you a big hug ❤️
turning 55 today, just got a new kitten to add to the three other grumpy old men cats, and loved this post. this part: "So be a Crazy Cat Parent right now. Love yourself anyway. Be fucking crazy, a word I lately encounter as meaning DELUXE and TENACIOUS. A core piece of you is refusing to live in the world in part because you want a more exuberant life than the ones you’re witnessing. Don’t let that shape you into a stone or an anvil or an anchor. Use your deluxe tenacity to encourage who you already are and feed the seeds of your most audacious desires." xo
Wow, wow, wow. "This is your moment to start respecting your own ambitious, instead of trying to hide them." Beautiful, Polly & impeccable timing.
I was in a very similar situation to LW 2 years ago, unemployed and at a loss. All my passionate, ambitious energy was exhausted through beating myself up and obsessing over my failures. Today (no joke) I officially launched my own small business, something I never could have seen myself doing even 2 years ago, because it's kind of weird, because I'm sure there's someone more qualified, because creating it requires owning and honoring a big part of who I am without reservations. Because I was crippled by guilt and shame.
I'm not kidding when I say unemployment (and having to work a minimum wage retail job while paying off student loans, not utilizing the degree I have etc) was the humbling and reality check I needed to start on the path toward doing the things I actually want to be doing with my life. It was horrible too, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But I think what it initially taught me was: hey, I did the "respectable", I did the smart things, and not only did they not make me happy.. but they didn't guarantee any sort of physical or financial security. And actually I feel further away from myself because I did them. So I might as well do what I want...?
I understand the benefit and necessity of playing the long game. So if being a real estate agent can provide you the grounding and consistency to pursue your creating/writing dreams on the side, I think that's a solid decision. But if it's just a distraction.. if it's just going to spin you around in a circle instead of helping you get closer to the beautiful life you deserve, then maybe there's something else that could support the bigger vision for your life.
Sending you SO much love!!
I deeply love this question and this answer.
When I was twenty-eight I was at the tail end of writing a book. I knew I loved writing, and I had done some academic research in my early twenties that I thought would make a good book topic. I spent five years writing and rewriting the book; I submitted it to 80 agents and got two offers, I was high on my early success.
But the book wasn't...good. It wasn't good to *me.* It was an opportunistic book, something I pushed myself to write in order to become a Published Author. That act of writing it was miserable, jammed into corners around my other career and always approached with dread.
When my agent finally sent out the manuscript was roundly rejected by every publisher. After mourning the failure for over a year, a therapist recommended that I print the manuscript, gift wrap it, and put it on a shelf. That little package with a bow on top has followed me through three moves and still lives in my closet.
It took me another five years to start writing things I actually believe in, which turns out, like Heather, to be deeply personal essays. It feels totally different, in my body. Sure, I'm not always psyched to sit down and write, but overall my projects now have a warm, glowing aura versus existing as dark holes of struggle.
So basically, I agree wholeheartedly: pushing yourself even harder at something that isn't a fit with *you* will inevitably lead to a dead end.
I also love the characterization of 28 years old: "a very difficult age for someone like you, whose expectations are sky high even though you haven’t done anything that you value much yet." So true 😂
This is a pretty random comment but: ain’t nothing wrong with being a real estate agent, if that’s what you want to do!
I love this letter and response, and tho I’m, ahem, a bit older than 28, I relate so much! But here’s my struggle: As a writer I adore metaphor but sometimes I feel so daft. Can anyone elaborate on Polly’s advice, or simplify it for me? Like the bit about training for a marathon instead of boring daily exercise, what are some practical tools, activities, for working on that nebulous task of loving myself? What are some small, and maybe big steps to take? My mind sometimes goes blank when I try to think how to put one foot in front of the other, rather than stay in bed watching reality tv or eating crap food!! ❤️
I'm reading this cuddled with a fluffy, sweet kitty who fills my heart with joy each day. LW, your kittens can be your respite from the difficulties of your days and also your teachers: my cat is so self-assured and absolutely unapologetic for his needs. It's an inspiration!
I love the idea of looking toward your shame to find what it is you want most. That's beautiful. LW you will find your way! I felt just like you at 28. I still am figuring things out 7 years later, but I promise it won't always be so tough, especially if you're asking these questions and writing in!
I'm so sorry about your mom, too. I'm sending you a big hug ❤️
Very much needed this today. Thank you!
turning 55 today, just got a new kitten to add to the three other grumpy old men cats, and loved this post. this part: "So be a Crazy Cat Parent right now. Love yourself anyway. Be fucking crazy, a word I lately encounter as meaning DELUXE and TENACIOUS. A core piece of you is refusing to live in the world in part because you want a more exuberant life than the ones you’re witnessing. Don’t let that shape you into a stone or an anvil or an anchor. Use your deluxe tenacity to encourage who you already are and feed the seeds of your most audacious desires." xo
thank you Polly and LW❤️needed this today