I relate so much. When I was 35, my kids were 4 and 1 and I had a similar existential crisis. I decided I needed to accomplish more in my life and tried to fulfill that with applying to grad school. I thought if I had a more serious, more prestigious career the bad feelings would go away. I felt so tired and stuck and limited and I think I thought that a fancy title would give me a socially acceptable way to take the time I wanted to take for myself (I realize this makes no sense). I muddled through for years and felt miserable. My two best friends are childless so I felt like I couldn’t even complain about my situation very much. Eventually I realized that I needed to ask for what I wanted. I sat down with my husband and explained that I needed more time for myself and we worked out a plan for that to happen. I felt so ungrateful and lazy but also liberated and happy for the first time in a long time. What I wanted did not line up with something that was cute and socially acceptable. Now my kids are 10 and 6 and I’m 39 and it’s like we live on a different planet than we did back in the toddler years. It’s very very hard to be honest about what you want especially as a mom. I still struggle with feeling lazy or ungrateful, but I finally realize those are external judgements.
I am currently living the mediocre-dream life, but the shift that has happened for me of the last few years (of true middle age) is that I measure the successfulness of my days in how much of the day I spend as my authentic self. Before that I don't think I could even tap into what my actual ambition was. All those past goals seem like the ghosts of others expectations. Also having small children is amazing and every time I see small children with their parents, I thank ALL THE GODS that mine have grown up.
Did my 2020/2021 self write this? Did my 2022 self answer it?!? Except for the toddlers, I relate to every word of this. Thanks, Heather, for saying what’s in my brain even better than I could (she says with mild jealousy.)
The thing I’ve found most helpful for my ADHD version of this has been my “brain poppers” - ie doing a creative activity that I don’t normally do, am not necessarily “good” at, and stimulates my hyperfocus. (One of mine is literally just spraypainting things. I now have an array of brightly colored pots and furniture.) I give myself permission to be terrible at it, and man, that is so freeing.
Hi Polly, thank you for your work and to the writers who share. I love this column so much, and I find myself so confused by the advice to feel your feelings, which comes up a lot. I feel that I do that, but then it seems like wallowing. I'm wondering if there is another way to phrase or interpret it. Or what is the difference between "feeling" and not feeling your feelings? Can you or anyone help me understand what this means in a different way?
Wallowing is often the experience of feeling a lot and then telling yourself a shitty story about why you're feeling bad. Once you scrape off the shitty story, wallowing feels more like "I'm having a sad day and I'm trying to enjoy the little moments of sadness anyway," or "I don't want to do the things on my schedule but I'm going to look for dimensions to enjoy even while I'm suffering through the hard work of tolerating stuff I would rather not do."
Example: I would like to hide from the world at the moment, but I can't. So that's bringing up a negativity like wallowing. My job is to allow myself to WANT A BREAK FROM EVERYTHING while not overthinking these feelings or saying "Ugh why are you like this?"
And then the challenge is to take a break from everything at some point and actually *savor that break* instead of feeling guilty.
If this shit were easy, no one would ever talk about it! It's HARRRRD. It's the mundane stuff of life. But if feelings always feel like wallowing to you, you probably have a lot of sadness and despair and also bad stories to muddle through before you feel more free.
Sadness and despair aren't inherently bad! You have to find their sources and not fight what's there. Doing battle against your feelings, via your thoughts, is the source of a lot of anxiety and depression. Allowing yourself to feel things and stepping away from the negative interpretations of those feelings is crucial.
Your mind says "UGH YOU SUCK" or "OH NO SADNESS, RUN AWAY" or "I CAN'T HANDLE PEOPLE RIGHT NOW." You acknowledge these things and, like a gentle parent, say "I'm going to let these feelings stick around as long as they want but I'm going to lose the self-recrimination I'm doing here. I'm going to empty my mind and be where I am instead."
That means don't solve the problem. Don't fix yourself. Don't resolve to do better. Just be where you are. But keep moving forward when necessary, just bring your gentle parent along with you.
Sometimes that means doing a thing and noticing that you don't hate the thing itself, YOU JUST HATE ANTICIPATING IT. You hate the stories your mind tells about future events. Clear your head and refuse to tell stories. Say "I will show up and see. I usually end up having more fun than I think I will."
Separating thoughts from feelings takes a lot of time and experience. I didn't even make the distinction between thoughts and feelings when I was younger. I didn't understand what people were talking about when they did. It's something you learn by welcoming feeling and sensation into your life and trying to feel more. It's always the hardest at the very start of the process, because you have a lot of sadness that's built up because you've been avoiding it for a long time. A lot of people back away from the feelings for this reason, because at first it feels like way too much darkness. But it gets better the less you avoid it, and your negative stories get less negative, and you feel less shame. Suddenly, you're open and you're connecting earnestly in ways you never have before. It's amazing. It takes time, though. Hang in there. xo
It's a rainbow circle with names for all the emotions, but the names are all "target agnostic", meaning it you don't have to say WHY you're feeling them or WHO you're feeling them at. When I look at it, it really helps me separate the emotions from the shitty stories.
This was also very helpful. Thank you for this. In regard to your other comment, writing this is definitely a contribution, and it mattered to me. I wish I could say something that would encourage you to share and believe in your work. Writing is so hard and vulnerable; I think fear comes with the territory.
When I was a young mother with twin two-year-olds and a four-year-old, our house was a mess. We wore hand-me-down clothes from the charitable store. I had 2 pairs of jeans and a couple of shirts. My husband had just finished a post-doc. We had just moved to a college town where my husband had gotten a job as an assistant professor in the veterinary school.
The dean’s wife held monthly meetings for the “veterinary wives”. (In those days, most veterinarians were men.) I remember looking at her hall carpeting and her baseboards. They were pristine. I said I wished I could keep mine clean like that. Lovely woman that she was, the dean’s wife smiled at me and said, “You have three little ones. Our house was always a mess when our kids were little, too.”
It gave me such a good feeling to know I wasn’t the only one and that I wasn’t “bad.”
I hope your column this morning gives other people the same feeling I had that day.
Hello Polly. While reading this I purchased a copy of your book. If everyone else does then we will have solved your problems. You are welcome for that.
As usual, there is much wisdom and practicality in the advice you offer here. What advice do you have for the partners, spouses, siblings and friends of those who are trapped in this lament about the mediocrity of their lives? As the wife ( 22 years) of someone with severe depression/anxiety/PTSD and professional burnout ( who is getting professional help for all of that) , I am often at a loss to find the right words to be supportive. I do not want to be that” unhappy neighbor” in the story. Neither am I someone who tries to block feelings or pretend that everything is OK when it isn’t. Yet the joy and connection that I feel in my life stands is such sharp contrast to his experience of very similar circumstances.
Thank you for buying my book, Elizabeth! I really appreciate it. Regarding your spouse, I'd only say that the main thing is to encourage him to relax more, find some dumb, simple things that feel enjoyable, and also to reflect on the sorts of human connections that do matter to him. When my husband was going through a rough time, I would just circle back to the same question: What do you enjoy? At first he'd come up with excuses for not doing things he loved - no time, you'd be left with all of the work that day, it's too stupid. They all kind of amounted to him not believing that he deserved to serve his own weird needs.
So I just kept encouraging him to do what he needed to do, that we could figure it out. I mean we don't have forever to be happy. I kept saying that: Figure out how to feel pretty good today. Then do that again tomorrow. If you have to say "I can't work today" or "I don't want to cook tonight" or whatever, just step up and say something. I included his entire career in there. Life is too short not to investigate alternatives when you dislike your job. Obviously lots of jobs are terrible. But look, just TALKING ABOUT THE POSSIBILITIES is so useful and freeing.
"YOU'RE NOT LETTING ME DOWN" is a big one. I think some people actually just get depressed when they're married and they take the partnership seriously simple because they don't know how to serve themselves without feeling guilty.
The other side of that is: At the time he was going through that, I also served myself without guilt. I had good friends, I talked on the phone, I let myself off the hook a lot. I decided that feeling good was the goal for everyone in the house, and that we should discuss what was happening and make adjustments and encourage each other a lot.
You know, if I hadn't gotten a life I don't think my husband would've done so. Being a little more selfish freed him up to be selfish, too. I don't think either of us realized how guilty and beholden we felt to the other until we really started talking about what we wanted and expected from each other.
Anyway, that's not going to instantly change your picture, but some piece of it helps a tiny bit.
I've been on both sides of this--I was the spouse with burnout and clinical PTSD and also the sibling/best-friend/parent of people dealing with different levels of anxiety and depression. I'm not sure if I have good advice for you, but definitely have empathy!
Maybe part of it is just knowing that you can't be everything to one person, even if they're your spouse or child. All humans need a network of friends, therapists, family members, mentors. Just because you don't have the right words for someone doesn't mean they won't receive the right words from someone else. It's ok to not be the "fixer".
In the meantime, you can just keep doing the things that bring you joy, and occasionally invite your spouse to do them with you. Like, when my son is very depressed, I realized it's not effective at all to SAY something supportive. It's way more effective to just invite him to go on a walk with me, or to chop vegetables with me (and then take yes or no as an answer without making it a referendum on his mental health.) Basically, instead of engaging with the "lament", you make a teeny little space next to it, for living in, without worrying about changing the big story one way or another.
Looking back on my PTSD meltdown, I realize that my most supportive friends were always offering me small, gentle, practical on-ramps to sensory enjoyment.
"Is this a phase?" Yes. Look--you're 35. You've got about a zillion more lives to lead, ones you can't even imagine right now. You're gonna be a-okay. You're gonna look back at these years when you danced with your kids and be amazed at how great all of it was. Go ahead and feel mediocre now. It's okay. We all feel that time a lot of the time. Life isn't always exciting or fun. Mediocrity feels shitty, but you know--you're a human. I've had all the same questions as you at different points in my life. It's completely normal. The best advice my former therapist ever gave me was this: You don't have to do anything.
I was getting all the feels from this column, except I’m really middle aged (46). Decent career that I like most days but not passionate about but will never leave (too cushy… and too specialized), childless by choice and married to someone with zero existential angst, living in a big city, money to travel which is as close to a passion as I have . A few hobbies and a couple great friends but not a big social circle like I dreamt I would have one day when I was a nerdy kid living in a small city. . AND I also cope with Stardew Valley. But I can’t shake the constant feeling that I’m wasting my life and should be more productive and useful and happy but I can get the energy to do anything but the smallest goals.
Maybe a good small goal for now is to decide on something small that would make you feel more productive, or one small thing that would make you happier. It can't always be everything -- more productive! more useful! more happy! -- because you're probably imagining doing EVERYTHING right, and no one can do that.
I think a lot of us struggle with just getting organized enough that we're realistic about what we can and can't do. Deciding what your priorities are and cutting out some of the things that are time consuming but less important to you creates a path to doing things that feel valuable. But if you keep aiming for a 100% more productive and happy life, you're never making pragmatic decisions abut where you have to compromise, be mediocre, and do less so you can squeeze in the one small thing that will feel good and bring you a tiny scrap of progress or novelty or imagination or whatever you need the most.
Journaling very briefly at the end of the day might be one way of reflecting on what you care about the most, what you feel like you're missing the most, what works to make a day feel good. Sometimes just noticing that you're doing what you love or value here and there, and feeling grateful for this moment you shared with someone or that time you took out to talk to someone, will allow you to understand that your lack of productivity is sometimes a MANIFESTATION of you living your values.
Anyway, the main point I want to make here is that you are mostly trying to shake off the overarching notion or feeling that you're fucking up all the time. I think once you get out from under that, you'll start to find you have much more energy to accomplish a little here and there but also to reward yourself for all of the things you already do.
I actually have a blog/journal that only my sister reads. Although when I look back on my entries it's mostly the same complaining --- maybe I need to work on more reflecting.
I do think get I need to shake the feeling of fucking up all the time -- or just accept that it's part of a broken brain, but you know, feelings doesn't equal reality and all that good stuff.
Anyway it's nice to read that a lot of other people struggle with this, especially when people in my life seem to not have this issue...
I know this is a total cliché, but maybe add in some volunteering or mentoring? Recently I've had the chance to mentor a few high schoolers (nerdy kids just like I was and you were!) and it gives me a satisfaction unlike anything else I've ever done.
It's actually really easy to mentor teens because 1. they will think your successful adulting is SO COOL, and 2. even the smallest amount of encouragement and attention from unrelated adults is such a treasure when you're a teenager. Or if not teens, maybe you could mentor young adults or interns in your field?
I have some interactions with students / young people at my job, and find it fulfilling in small bursts (and sometimes, very aggravating). I'm not a super outgoing person though. I like the idea of some more satisfying volunteer work though and would certainly like to find something one day when I retire...
It's nice to hear that I'm not the only middle-aged person (29 is way back in the dusty reaches of my memory, so I think I qualify) who's experiencing what I wouldn't call "existential angst" but a severe case of the "existential blahs." I know full well I am lucky as fuck - come on, I was born a straight white male in the United States to not-quite-boomer parents, had a stay at home mom looking after me, got sent to Catholic school where the nuns didn't beat us with rulers (the worst I got was a C+ in penmanship because I was left-handed, but they didn't try to change that). My father was a doctor, was able to put me through an Ivy-equivalent college without incurring any debt. I'm in good health, have a home of my own, a wife who adores me, and three children who are either self-sufficient or who are on track to get into good schools. I make good money (of course, the kids spend it all) and I've been comfortably working from home for the last two years. I'm fully aware that I've got it better than 99.9% of people in the world.
But I'm vaguely dissatisfied too. I'm just not interested in anything, really. Well, that's not true - I'm interested in lots and lots of different things, but nothing grabs me and holds my attention. I've signed up for at least half a dozen classes on things I'd like to learn, but after a class or two I'm bored and some other shiny object has grabbed my attention. I know what I need to do just settle down and do one thing but... I don't know, just can't do it. My resolution for this year was to write a novel - not a good one, nothing I expect to publish, but just so I'll have the satisfaction of knowing I'd written a book. 15,000 words into it and I realize I've written myself into a corner, and fixing it means excising the last half of what I've written and picking back up. I dunno, but if I had to guess, that's probably not going to happen. Maybe I should start over with something else. See, there I go again!
I'm just not getting satisfaction from anything and I know that I should be. I've got the guilt you were talking about, absolutely. I'm just not sure I can "feel my feelings" when I'm not really feeling anything, you know? Unfortunately I'm one of those people who is motivated by external validation - and even people telling me how great I am or how well I'm doing has gotten old. I feel like I should be doing more, even when I'm doing plenty. I haven't done anything hard in probably a decade.
(Reading this back, it sounds like it could be depression, but I'm pretty sure it isn't - been there, done that, got the meds.)
Hmm. Why do you feel like you "need to settle down and do one thing"? Maybe it's okay if you just try a bunch of stuff. I've recently allowed myself to do this and I feel a lot better! I'm an actual middle aged person as well, who also has it pretty darn good and was feeling so blahhhhh all the time.
I hate being a serial project-starter and an almost-never project-finisher. (I did finish an actual project this week! I swapped out the muffler on my car. The fact that I literally could not go anywhere until it was done forced my hand a bit.) I know I can finish these things, I just can't make myself do it. There's no consequence for leaving things unfinished - turns out being an inveterate procrastinator is a serious hindrance when there aren't any deadlines making me get it done. (No, the old "make your own deadlines and hold yourself to it" doesn't work with me.)
Years ago, when my oldest was a bit of a troubled teenager, I put her through a DBT therapy program for kids her age. Part of the deal was that the parents had to do the same program (in a separate group with the other parents). It was right around the time that "mindfulness" was getting to be a trendy topic. Much as I roll my eyes at pop psychology, maybe that's something akin to what Heather's getting at.
You are suffering what I call ‘The sadness of success’. Reminds me of a character in a novel I read who decided the answer to his flatness was to either have an extra-marital affair or find a war to fight in.
Over the past three years I have come to accept that pursuing joy, and prioritizing delight, is the most sacred ambition of all.
I have always had more ambition that I know how to handle. But I also realize that the need to be always striving--seeking--doing--working--bettering--to define ourselves by our output--feels so American.
Do we want to live to work, or work to live? Reframing this conversation seems absolutely critical to our health and wellbeing. Especially as women. <3
Totally see what you mean---but there may not be a contradiction here. Maybe it's just a matter of words: using words like "pursue" and "prioritize" to describe things that are joyful, delightful, outside-the-hustle is a way of showing that our joy and delight deserves just as much attention and care as anything else we've been conditioned to "prioritize." It's a way of taking the words back. I feel the same way about words like "diligence" and "discipline." They've been stolen by bad workaholic productivity culture, but I do feel a sense of diligence and discipline that I enjoy when I devote that energy to my own projects.
It's definitely dangerous, though. We have to watch out, since corporations will inevitably start trying to sell that back to us, turning it into just another thing we can be bad at (and require a product to improve on). I can kinda see "explore" and "play" becoming capitalist codewords, especially in certain lifestyle/clothing brands. Sigh. You gotta find the words that empower you most.
And there definitely needs to be more talk about exploring and playing in a non-aspirational/productivity way. I love The Idler magazine + books for their emphasis on fun and freedom, maybe you'd like it: https://www.idler.co.uk/
Yes! I am totally with you on this. (eg See Jia Tolentino's "Always Be Optimizing")
For me prioritizing joy is about -- first of all -- simply recognizing it, acknowledging it, being in it, and sitting with it. It is, as you put it, noticing. Stemming from that place, the second part is trying to make decisions about how I spend my time and where I direct my energy that grow directly from that joy, pleasure, and aliveness.
The joy-based decision making part does become pursuit of a life that brings joy and meaning. In my world, that pursuit -- in contrast to others I have chosen in the past! and the ones sold to me culturally -- feels liberating. I entered adulthood in pursuit of traditional success and people pleasing. But eventually, after gaining a foothold in the business world, I abandoned all of that in favor of happiness.
Cultivating joy in my life *is* an active choice; otherwise I might be overcome by sorrow or anxiety just by observing the world around me. I am consciously choosing joy where I can.
So "pursuing" might not be the right language for everyone, but for me it feels just right.
I needed this today even though a lot of these things are things I already "know" and I have so little faith in my ability to change.
I'm in SUCH a good place in life. We bought a house last year in a very expensive part of the country. I've managed to take my career from the past 10 years and move back into a more fulfilling line of work where I can feel like my work is doing good. I have more people reporting to me and make more money than I ever have before. My husband is great. And now that COVID is calming down I get to contemplate going back to performing and have gotten to sing in person again.
But when I'm really honest (rare) I'm JUST. SO. TIRED. I don't have a good excuse like kids. In theory I have plenty of free time! Especially compared to the majority of women I talk to in my age group who have kids. I have to occasionally do things for my mom now that she lives near me and that takes more time and energy than 2 years ago before she was here but... it's not that much.
So I get to this very blocked place because I'm so tired and I just want to lay down and do nothing ever again and it makes so little sense and laying down doesn't even feel good so I fight it every step of the way. I just keep pushing myself into my work and pushing myself to do my hobbies because when I sit down and rest I just feel even worse. I took two weeks off at Christmas time and all that happened is it felt great while I was off, much more excited about my hobbies and so much more relaxed - and then I dreaded going back to work. As soon as I was back at work I was exhausted again.
Sometimes I wonder if I missed the boat and having a kid or two would have given me some sort of joy that would make sense of this existence and make the slog worth it, but most of the time I realize that's just me grasping for the next "fix" because I've never really wanted kids and the idea of actually raising kids is not appealing to me at all.
I don't know what my answer is since apparently (based on that vacation) I just want to sit around and do very little all day and I know from the past that I don't feel great doing that for too long either. Ugh.
Hear, hear. I think the pandemic + existential dread from the 24 hour news cycle has most people just feeling spent right now. The one thing I have found helpful is limiting the amount of bad news. No one person's brain is designed to handle the trials of 7 billion people and a dying planet....
First, just wanted to say that I am so delighted HH has played stardew valley. Stardew valley truly taught me how a filthy rich person could be truly miserable (NOT TO SAY THAT MONEY DOES NOT SOLVE PROBLEMS IT DOES). That once I had worked for everything (including the teleporting stick and all of the towers and the greenhouse of ancient plants) and made hundreds of thousands of gold per day it was like....what matters anymore??
Also, I would love to talk to this letter writer. I’ve been doing informational interviews with academics who left academia this year, and it’s been really valuable. It’s absolutely okay if you stay in your current position, but there are also so many options outside if that ever feels right <3
Wow this post, it's talking to me. I needed this one. So many great quotes!
"Nothing will make you feel worse than believing that you’re an asshole for not feeling joyful enough.
"I don’t want to arrive somewhere special. I just want to discover something transcendent inside the mundane."
I am often an asshole for not feeling enough joy. It's so stupid and my brain knows this, but there it is. The mundane is where the magic is and I forgot! I forget all the time, thanks for the reminder. I am so much older than this letter writer and still struggle with these things that I absolutely know but somehow forget, over and over again. Try fail try again. I love this newsletter. Thanks for writing it.
I relate so much. When I was 35, my kids were 4 and 1 and I had a similar existential crisis. I decided I needed to accomplish more in my life and tried to fulfill that with applying to grad school. I thought if I had a more serious, more prestigious career the bad feelings would go away. I felt so tired and stuck and limited and I think I thought that a fancy title would give me a socially acceptable way to take the time I wanted to take for myself (I realize this makes no sense). I muddled through for years and felt miserable. My two best friends are childless so I felt like I couldn’t even complain about my situation very much. Eventually I realized that I needed to ask for what I wanted. I sat down with my husband and explained that I needed more time for myself and we worked out a plan for that to happen. I felt so ungrateful and lazy but also liberated and happy for the first time in a long time. What I wanted did not line up with something that was cute and socially acceptable. Now my kids are 10 and 6 and I’m 39 and it’s like we live on a different planet than we did back in the toddler years. It’s very very hard to be honest about what you want especially as a mom. I still struggle with feeling lazy or ungrateful, but I finally realize those are external judgements.
Poe and the four conditions of happiness:
1. Life in the open air.
2. The love of another being.
3. Forgetfulness of all ambition.
4. Creation.
I am currently living the mediocre-dream life, but the shift that has happened for me of the last few years (of true middle age) is that I measure the successfulness of my days in how much of the day I spend as my authentic self. Before that I don't think I could even tap into what my actual ambition was. All those past goals seem like the ghosts of others expectations. Also having small children is amazing and every time I see small children with their parents, I thank ALL THE GODS that mine have grown up.
Did my 2020/2021 self write this? Did my 2022 self answer it?!? Except for the toddlers, I relate to every word of this. Thanks, Heather, for saying what’s in my brain even better than I could (she says with mild jealousy.)
The thing I’ve found most helpful for my ADHD version of this has been my “brain poppers” - ie doing a creative activity that I don’t normally do, am not necessarily “good” at, and stimulates my hyperfocus. (One of mine is literally just spraypainting things. I now have an array of brightly colored pots and furniture.) I give myself permission to be terrible at it, and man, that is so freeing.
Hi Polly, thank you for your work and to the writers who share. I love this column so much, and I find myself so confused by the advice to feel your feelings, which comes up a lot. I feel that I do that, but then it seems like wallowing. I'm wondering if there is another way to phrase or interpret it. Or what is the difference between "feeling" and not feeling your feelings? Can you or anyone help me understand what this means in a different way?
Wallowing is often the experience of feeling a lot and then telling yourself a shitty story about why you're feeling bad. Once you scrape off the shitty story, wallowing feels more like "I'm having a sad day and I'm trying to enjoy the little moments of sadness anyway," or "I don't want to do the things on my schedule but I'm going to look for dimensions to enjoy even while I'm suffering through the hard work of tolerating stuff I would rather not do."
Example: I would like to hide from the world at the moment, but I can't. So that's bringing up a negativity like wallowing. My job is to allow myself to WANT A BREAK FROM EVERYTHING while not overthinking these feelings or saying "Ugh why are you like this?"
And then the challenge is to take a break from everything at some point and actually *savor that break* instead of feeling guilty.
If this shit were easy, no one would ever talk about it! It's HARRRRD. It's the mundane stuff of life. But if feelings always feel like wallowing to you, you probably have a lot of sadness and despair and also bad stories to muddle through before you feel more free.
Sadness and despair aren't inherently bad! You have to find their sources and not fight what's there. Doing battle against your feelings, via your thoughts, is the source of a lot of anxiety and depression. Allowing yourself to feel things and stepping away from the negative interpretations of those feelings is crucial.
Your mind says "UGH YOU SUCK" or "OH NO SADNESS, RUN AWAY" or "I CAN'T HANDLE PEOPLE RIGHT NOW." You acknowledge these things and, like a gentle parent, say "I'm going to let these feelings stick around as long as they want but I'm going to lose the self-recrimination I'm doing here. I'm going to empty my mind and be where I am instead."
That means don't solve the problem. Don't fix yourself. Don't resolve to do better. Just be where you are. But keep moving forward when necessary, just bring your gentle parent along with you.
Sometimes that means doing a thing and noticing that you don't hate the thing itself, YOU JUST HATE ANTICIPATING IT. You hate the stories your mind tells about future events. Clear your head and refuse to tell stories. Say "I will show up and see. I usually end up having more fun than I think I will."
Separating thoughts from feelings takes a lot of time and experience. I didn't even make the distinction between thoughts and feelings when I was younger. I didn't understand what people were talking about when they did. It's something you learn by welcoming feeling and sensation into your life and trying to feel more. It's always the hardest at the very start of the process, because you have a lot of sadness that's built up because you've been avoiding it for a long time. A lot of people back away from the feelings for this reason, because at first it feels like way too much darkness. But it gets better the less you avoid it, and your negative stories get less negative, and you feel less shame. Suddenly, you're open and you're connecting earnestly in ways you never have before. It's amazing. It takes time, though. Hang in there. xo
Several years ago when I was teaching teens with ADHD and autism, I made a little Emotion Awareness Board.
kesterlimner.com/emotion
It's a rainbow circle with names for all the emotions, but the names are all "target agnostic", meaning it you don't have to say WHY you're feeling them or WHO you're feeling them at. When I look at it, it really helps me separate the emotions from the shitty stories.
This is absolutely brilliant and so helpful. It's really kind of you to share it with us.
My pleasure, I'm glad it's helpful! I'm not very good at "monetizing" things so I just wanted to make it easy and free for people to enjoy. :-)
I love this so much. I am currently clicking on all of my emotions lol
Thank you so much, Heather. I really appreciated this.
This was also very helpful. Thank you for this. In regard to your other comment, writing this is definitely a contribution, and it mattered to me. I wish I could say something that would encourage you to share and believe in your work. Writing is so hard and vulnerable; I think fear comes with the territory.
Just wanted to say that I thought your response was quite applicable as well!!
When I was a young mother with twin two-year-olds and a four-year-old, our house was a mess. We wore hand-me-down clothes from the charitable store. I had 2 pairs of jeans and a couple of shirts. My husband had just finished a post-doc. We had just moved to a college town where my husband had gotten a job as an assistant professor in the veterinary school.
The dean’s wife held monthly meetings for the “veterinary wives”. (In those days, most veterinarians were men.) I remember looking at her hall carpeting and her baseboards. They were pristine. I said I wished I could keep mine clean like that. Lovely woman that she was, the dean’s wife smiled at me and said, “You have three little ones. Our house was always a mess when our kids were little, too.”
It gave me such a good feeling to know I wasn’t the only one and that I wasn’t “bad.”
I hope your column this morning gives other people the same feeling I had that day.
Hello Polly. While reading this I purchased a copy of your book. If everyone else does then we will have solved your problems. You are welcome for that.
As usual, there is much wisdom and practicality in the advice you offer here. What advice do you have for the partners, spouses, siblings and friends of those who are trapped in this lament about the mediocrity of their lives? As the wife ( 22 years) of someone with severe depression/anxiety/PTSD and professional burnout ( who is getting professional help for all of that) , I am often at a loss to find the right words to be supportive. I do not want to be that” unhappy neighbor” in the story. Neither am I someone who tries to block feelings or pretend that everything is OK when it isn’t. Yet the joy and connection that I feel in my life stands is such sharp contrast to his experience of very similar circumstances.
Thank you for buying my book, Elizabeth! I really appreciate it. Regarding your spouse, I'd only say that the main thing is to encourage him to relax more, find some dumb, simple things that feel enjoyable, and also to reflect on the sorts of human connections that do matter to him. When my husband was going through a rough time, I would just circle back to the same question: What do you enjoy? At first he'd come up with excuses for not doing things he loved - no time, you'd be left with all of the work that day, it's too stupid. They all kind of amounted to him not believing that he deserved to serve his own weird needs.
So I just kept encouraging him to do what he needed to do, that we could figure it out. I mean we don't have forever to be happy. I kept saying that: Figure out how to feel pretty good today. Then do that again tomorrow. If you have to say "I can't work today" or "I don't want to cook tonight" or whatever, just step up and say something. I included his entire career in there. Life is too short not to investigate alternatives when you dislike your job. Obviously lots of jobs are terrible. But look, just TALKING ABOUT THE POSSIBILITIES is so useful and freeing.
"YOU'RE NOT LETTING ME DOWN" is a big one. I think some people actually just get depressed when they're married and they take the partnership seriously simple because they don't know how to serve themselves without feeling guilty.
The other side of that is: At the time he was going through that, I also served myself without guilt. I had good friends, I talked on the phone, I let myself off the hook a lot. I decided that feeling good was the goal for everyone in the house, and that we should discuss what was happening and make adjustments and encourage each other a lot.
You know, if I hadn't gotten a life I don't think my husband would've done so. Being a little more selfish freed him up to be selfish, too. I don't think either of us realized how guilty and beholden we felt to the other until we really started talking about what we wanted and expected from each other.
Anyway, that's not going to instantly change your picture, but some piece of it helps a tiny bit.
As usual, your words are spot on. Thank you for taking the time. Life sure is complicated, isn’t it.
I've been on both sides of this--I was the spouse with burnout and clinical PTSD and also the sibling/best-friend/parent of people dealing with different levels of anxiety and depression. I'm not sure if I have good advice for you, but definitely have empathy!
Maybe part of it is just knowing that you can't be everything to one person, even if they're your spouse or child. All humans need a network of friends, therapists, family members, mentors. Just because you don't have the right words for someone doesn't mean they won't receive the right words from someone else. It's ok to not be the "fixer".
In the meantime, you can just keep doing the things that bring you joy, and occasionally invite your spouse to do them with you. Like, when my son is very depressed, I realized it's not effective at all to SAY something supportive. It's way more effective to just invite him to go on a walk with me, or to chop vegetables with me (and then take yes or no as an answer without making it a referendum on his mental health.) Basically, instead of engaging with the "lament", you make a teeny little space next to it, for living in, without worrying about changing the big story one way or another.
Looking back on my PTSD meltdown, I realize that my most supportive friends were always offering me small, gentle, practical on-ramps to sensory enjoyment.
Thank you. What a wonderful way of putting it. So helpful.
"Instead of engaging with the 'lament', you make a teeny little space next to it" I love this
"Is this a phase?" Yes. Look--you're 35. You've got about a zillion more lives to lead, ones you can't even imagine right now. You're gonna be a-okay. You're gonna look back at these years when you danced with your kids and be amazed at how great all of it was. Go ahead and feel mediocre now. It's okay. We all feel that time a lot of the time. Life isn't always exciting or fun. Mediocrity feels shitty, but you know--you're a human. I've had all the same questions as you at different points in my life. It's completely normal. The best advice my former therapist ever gave me was this: You don't have to do anything.
I was getting all the feels from this column, except I’m really middle aged (46). Decent career that I like most days but not passionate about but will never leave (too cushy… and too specialized), childless by choice and married to someone with zero existential angst, living in a big city, money to travel which is as close to a passion as I have . A few hobbies and a couple great friends but not a big social circle like I dreamt I would have one day when I was a nerdy kid living in a small city. . AND I also cope with Stardew Valley. But I can’t shake the constant feeling that I’m wasting my life and should be more productive and useful and happy but I can get the energy to do anything but the smallest goals.
Maybe a good small goal for now is to decide on something small that would make you feel more productive, or one small thing that would make you happier. It can't always be everything -- more productive! more useful! more happy! -- because you're probably imagining doing EVERYTHING right, and no one can do that.
I think a lot of us struggle with just getting organized enough that we're realistic about what we can and can't do. Deciding what your priorities are and cutting out some of the things that are time consuming but less important to you creates a path to doing things that feel valuable. But if you keep aiming for a 100% more productive and happy life, you're never making pragmatic decisions abut where you have to compromise, be mediocre, and do less so you can squeeze in the one small thing that will feel good and bring you a tiny scrap of progress or novelty or imagination or whatever you need the most.
Journaling very briefly at the end of the day might be one way of reflecting on what you care about the most, what you feel like you're missing the most, what works to make a day feel good. Sometimes just noticing that you're doing what you love or value here and there, and feeling grateful for this moment you shared with someone or that time you took out to talk to someone, will allow you to understand that your lack of productivity is sometimes a MANIFESTATION of you living your values.
Anyway, the main point I want to make here is that you are mostly trying to shake off the overarching notion or feeling that you're fucking up all the time. I think once you get out from under that, you'll start to find you have much more energy to accomplish a little here and there but also to reward yourself for all of the things you already do.
I actually have a blog/journal that only my sister reads. Although when I look back on my entries it's mostly the same complaining --- maybe I need to work on more reflecting.
I do think get I need to shake the feeling of fucking up all the time -- or just accept that it's part of a broken brain, but you know, feelings doesn't equal reality and all that good stuff.
Anyway it's nice to read that a lot of other people struggle with this, especially when people in my life seem to not have this issue...
I know this is a total cliché, but maybe add in some volunteering or mentoring? Recently I've had the chance to mentor a few high schoolers (nerdy kids just like I was and you were!) and it gives me a satisfaction unlike anything else I've ever done.
It's actually really easy to mentor teens because 1. they will think your successful adulting is SO COOL, and 2. even the smallest amount of encouragement and attention from unrelated adults is such a treasure when you're a teenager. Or if not teens, maybe you could mentor young adults or interns in your field?
I have some interactions with students / young people at my job, and find it fulfilling in small bursts (and sometimes, very aggravating). I'm not a super outgoing person though. I like the idea of some more satisfying volunteer work though and would certainly like to find something one day when I retire...
It's nice to hear that I'm not the only middle-aged person (29 is way back in the dusty reaches of my memory, so I think I qualify) who's experiencing what I wouldn't call "existential angst" but a severe case of the "existential blahs." I know full well I am lucky as fuck - come on, I was born a straight white male in the United States to not-quite-boomer parents, had a stay at home mom looking after me, got sent to Catholic school where the nuns didn't beat us with rulers (the worst I got was a C+ in penmanship because I was left-handed, but they didn't try to change that). My father was a doctor, was able to put me through an Ivy-equivalent college without incurring any debt. I'm in good health, have a home of my own, a wife who adores me, and three children who are either self-sufficient or who are on track to get into good schools. I make good money (of course, the kids spend it all) and I've been comfortably working from home for the last two years. I'm fully aware that I've got it better than 99.9% of people in the world.
But I'm vaguely dissatisfied too. I'm just not interested in anything, really. Well, that's not true - I'm interested in lots and lots of different things, but nothing grabs me and holds my attention. I've signed up for at least half a dozen classes on things I'd like to learn, but after a class or two I'm bored and some other shiny object has grabbed my attention. I know what I need to do just settle down and do one thing but... I don't know, just can't do it. My resolution for this year was to write a novel - not a good one, nothing I expect to publish, but just so I'll have the satisfaction of knowing I'd written a book. 15,000 words into it and I realize I've written myself into a corner, and fixing it means excising the last half of what I've written and picking back up. I dunno, but if I had to guess, that's probably not going to happen. Maybe I should start over with something else. See, there I go again!
I'm just not getting satisfaction from anything and I know that I should be. I've got the guilt you were talking about, absolutely. I'm just not sure I can "feel my feelings" when I'm not really feeling anything, you know? Unfortunately I'm one of those people who is motivated by external validation - and even people telling me how great I am or how well I'm doing has gotten old. I feel like I should be doing more, even when I'm doing plenty. I haven't done anything hard in probably a decade.
(Reading this back, it sounds like it could be depression, but I'm pretty sure it isn't - been there, done that, got the meds.)
Hmm. Why do you feel like you "need to settle down and do one thing"? Maybe it's okay if you just try a bunch of stuff. I've recently allowed myself to do this and I feel a lot better! I'm an actual middle aged person as well, who also has it pretty darn good and was feeling so blahhhhh all the time.
I hate being a serial project-starter and an almost-never project-finisher. (I did finish an actual project this week! I swapped out the muffler on my car. The fact that I literally could not go anywhere until it was done forced my hand a bit.) I know I can finish these things, I just can't make myself do it. There's no consequence for leaving things unfinished - turns out being an inveterate procrastinator is a serious hindrance when there aren't any deadlines making me get it done. (No, the old "make your own deadlines and hold yourself to it" doesn't work with me.)
Years ago, when my oldest was a bit of a troubled teenager, I put her through a DBT therapy program for kids her age. Part of the deal was that the parents had to do the same program (in a separate group with the other parents). It was right around the time that "mindfulness" was getting to be a trendy topic. Much as I roll my eyes at pop psychology, maybe that's something akin to what Heather's getting at.
You are suffering what I call ‘The sadness of success’. Reminds me of a character in a novel I read who decided the answer to his flatness was to either have an extra-marital affair or find a war to fight in.
Love the permission to just feel what we feel.
Over the past three years I have come to accept that pursuing joy, and prioritizing delight, is the most sacred ambition of all.
I have always had more ambition that I know how to handle. But I also realize that the need to be always striving--seeking--doing--working--bettering--to define ourselves by our output--feels so American.
Do we want to live to work, or work to live? Reframing this conversation seems absolutely critical to our health and wellbeing. Especially as women. <3
Take care out there, HH readers!
But what if pursuing joy and prioritizing delight becomes just another hustle? Isn't that just a reframing of the same "bettering" urge?
I'm not trying to be snarky, I'm honestly interested in hearing what people think about this.
Maybe after a certain point, we need to lay down the concept of "persuing and prioritizing", and start...just noticing? Exploring? Playing?
Totally see what you mean---but there may not be a contradiction here. Maybe it's just a matter of words: using words like "pursue" and "prioritize" to describe things that are joyful, delightful, outside-the-hustle is a way of showing that our joy and delight deserves just as much attention and care as anything else we've been conditioned to "prioritize." It's a way of taking the words back. I feel the same way about words like "diligence" and "discipline." They've been stolen by bad workaholic productivity culture, but I do feel a sense of diligence and discipline that I enjoy when I devote that energy to my own projects.
It's definitely dangerous, though. We have to watch out, since corporations will inevitably start trying to sell that back to us, turning it into just another thing we can be bad at (and require a product to improve on). I can kinda see "explore" and "play" becoming capitalist codewords, especially in certain lifestyle/clothing brands. Sigh. You gotta find the words that empower you most.
And there definitely needs to be more talk about exploring and playing in a non-aspirational/productivity way. I love The Idler magazine + books for their emphasis on fun and freedom, maybe you'd like it: https://www.idler.co.uk/
Yes! I am totally with you on this. (eg See Jia Tolentino's "Always Be Optimizing")
For me prioritizing joy is about -- first of all -- simply recognizing it, acknowledging it, being in it, and sitting with it. It is, as you put it, noticing. Stemming from that place, the second part is trying to make decisions about how I spend my time and where I direct my energy that grow directly from that joy, pleasure, and aliveness.
The joy-based decision making part does become pursuit of a life that brings joy and meaning. In my world, that pursuit -- in contrast to others I have chosen in the past! and the ones sold to me culturally -- feels liberating. I entered adulthood in pursuit of traditional success and people pleasing. But eventually, after gaining a foothold in the business world, I abandoned all of that in favor of happiness.
Cultivating joy in my life *is* an active choice; otherwise I might be overcome by sorrow or anxiety just by observing the world around me. I am consciously choosing joy where I can.
So "pursuing" might not be the right language for everyone, but for me it feels just right.
I needed this today even though a lot of these things are things I already "know" and I have so little faith in my ability to change.
I'm in SUCH a good place in life. We bought a house last year in a very expensive part of the country. I've managed to take my career from the past 10 years and move back into a more fulfilling line of work where I can feel like my work is doing good. I have more people reporting to me and make more money than I ever have before. My husband is great. And now that COVID is calming down I get to contemplate going back to performing and have gotten to sing in person again.
But when I'm really honest (rare) I'm JUST. SO. TIRED. I don't have a good excuse like kids. In theory I have plenty of free time! Especially compared to the majority of women I talk to in my age group who have kids. I have to occasionally do things for my mom now that she lives near me and that takes more time and energy than 2 years ago before she was here but... it's not that much.
So I get to this very blocked place because I'm so tired and I just want to lay down and do nothing ever again and it makes so little sense and laying down doesn't even feel good so I fight it every step of the way. I just keep pushing myself into my work and pushing myself to do my hobbies because when I sit down and rest I just feel even worse. I took two weeks off at Christmas time and all that happened is it felt great while I was off, much more excited about my hobbies and so much more relaxed - and then I dreaded going back to work. As soon as I was back at work I was exhausted again.
Sometimes I wonder if I missed the boat and having a kid or two would have given me some sort of joy that would make sense of this existence and make the slog worth it, but most of the time I realize that's just me grasping for the next "fix" because I've never really wanted kids and the idea of actually raising kids is not appealing to me at all.
I don't know what my answer is since apparently (based on that vacation) I just want to sit around and do very little all day and I know from the past that I don't feel great doing that for too long either. Ugh.
Hear, hear. I think the pandemic + existential dread from the 24 hour news cycle has most people just feeling spent right now. The one thing I have found helpful is limiting the amount of bad news. No one person's brain is designed to handle the trials of 7 billion people and a dying planet....
Beautifully written. Thank you Polly, some valuable advice there
First, just wanted to say that I am so delighted HH has played stardew valley. Stardew valley truly taught me how a filthy rich person could be truly miserable (NOT TO SAY THAT MONEY DOES NOT SOLVE PROBLEMS IT DOES). That once I had worked for everything (including the teleporting stick and all of the towers and the greenhouse of ancient plants) and made hundreds of thousands of gold per day it was like....what matters anymore??
Also, I would love to talk to this letter writer. I’ve been doing informational interviews with academics who left academia this year, and it’s been really valuable. It’s absolutely okay if you stay in your current position, but there are also so many options outside if that ever feels right <3
Thanks Polly for sharing. I really like this line: “It does take work. But it doesn’t take *motivation.* Because I crave the work itself.”
Wow this post, it's talking to me. I needed this one. So many great quotes!
"Nothing will make you feel worse than believing that you’re an asshole for not feeling joyful enough.
"I don’t want to arrive somewhere special. I just want to discover something transcendent inside the mundane."
I am often an asshole for not feeling enough joy. It's so stupid and my brain knows this, but there it is. The mundane is where the magic is and I forgot! I forget all the time, thanks for the reminder. I am so much older than this letter writer and still struggle with these things that I absolutely know but somehow forget, over and over again. Try fail try again. I love this newsletter. Thanks for writing it.