Dear God. Run don’t walk. What you describe is much bigger than one poor bird. This guy is not Mr. Right. He’s Mr. Right About Everything, and he will soon be more and more right about what’s good for you. Been there, trust me, look for the exit and don’t explain, because he’ll talk you out of it. Good luck, and I’m so sorry. I had to kill a bird that hit my window and broke its neck; it was that, or let it die in agony. I cried for an hour.
“The word “partner” doesn’t apply to someone who refuses to take another person’s feelings into account, no matter how irrational those feelings might seem in the moment” — exactly.
I am a (hobby) naturalist who understands that you sometimes have to kill things for science or the health of an ecosystem but I would NEVER kill something — even a fly — in front of someone who would be upset by my doing that. This “partner” is not a good person, at least not at his current stage of growth.
This guy is a Complete Fucking Asshole. Period. Best just to avoid these fuckers - there was no point in LW trying to "discuss" anything with this asshole.
People this cruel are widely separated from their own humanity and thus, separated from their connectedness to EVERYTHING around them. People this cruel want everyone around them to be "cool" and "strong" about them being "cool" and "strong" via their bullshit destructive behaviors. People this cruel are BENT on being this cruel.
People this cruel are not worth your fucking time.
Y'all...
Just. Please. Stop. Trying. To. Engage. With. People. Who. Do. Destructive. Ass. Shit. This is not one of those times where we should be practicing "cOmMuNiCaTiOn." The minute they show you their asses the way this guy did with that bird, you have the God-Almighty Clarity you need to get the fuck away from them.
OP, you need to dump this man immediately. He did it to test your boundaries, to see if he could get away with upsetting you. I'm not exaggerating, you might be in physical danger in the long run.
ETA: I'm willing to bet that he never got out of his way to kill that bird when he's seen it before, without you being there.
I usually hate the online stream of people taking a complex situation and reducing it to "dump the MF already," because we all know it's not easy, not just emotionally but also mentally, financially, etc.
Nevertheless, I regret to inform you this is one of the few times it's justified. Your boyfriend acted in a way that is troubling, to say the least. Even taking your word that this type of bird is a pest that needs to be eliminated, he did it remorselessly, he did it despite your pleas for him to stop, and he did it after you showed him the bird with delight. Worse, he acted like you were the problem once you went for a walk in an attempt to calm down. No delicacy, no "I did it for these reasons, but seeing you upset is terrible." I doubt he even apologized in that "sorry you're upset" non apology way.
It's already over with him. You'll never again point things out to him to appreciate in quite the same way, because you trusted him to respect something and he deliberately destroyed it, partly to show you that he could.
It's very rare that i read an Ask Polly letter and cry out loud "oh my GOD!" but that's what I did today. I'm so sorry you had to experience this.
“There is a wisdom that is woe” is such a true, rough thing to read and hear. Because there is SUCH woe in these kinds of wisdom. It's painful to have to face that someone you love who you know loves you could also treat you so badly and so dismissively. I'm so sorry. If he is not able to acknowledge that he was at fault, I hope you're able to disentangle yourself and that it's not too painful. And that one day you'll look back and feel peace at no longer being beholden to someone who says you're the one who needs to change after an incident like this. Hugs xo
Look, I know I can only dream of responding as poetically and with as much nuance as Heather, but is this for fucking real? Aside from the disturbing impulse to reflexively kill a baby animal--regardless of this person's designation of themselves as, what? a member of the invasive-species kill squad (do they attack invasive plants with this much aggression?)--how out of touch is this person that they're unable to pause for one second to more rationally assess the situation? A regular person (and I use "regular" extremely broadly here), even one motivated to kill a baby animal in the course of their regular day because they've decided the animal is ecologically disposable, might ask such questions as, "What will other, also regular people think of me grabbing this baby bird and killing it with my bare hands for no discernible reason?" Or, "I want to kill this animal, and I think I should kill this animal, but I think I read somewhere that cruelty to animals is bad/that other regular people think cruelty to animals is a potential sign of sociopathy? Is it necessary to kill this baby bird right now?" "What will my partner think, who just pointed out to me this lil guy because they thought it was cute? Do I want my partner to see this side of me, even if I'm righteous in my actions (because I actually am an ecologist with actual information on which animals should or should not be killed)?"
I think it's generally a good idea to be suspicious of people who respond to others' concerns by brushing them off through a claim to moral superiority. That's just the easiest way to avoid reflection and responsibility. Don't fall for it. Deeply love this person, but consider deeply loving them from afar--it's not a failure of "resilience" to point out that this person's fucked up actions look pretty fucked up.
The worst part to me was his lack of hesitation, no pause, no apology, nothing. Just the whole “nature is brutal get used to it” stuff. I love nature. I wander in the woods for hours, observing birds, deer, other animals, plants and insects. Yes, nature can be brutal. Birds are dinosaurs with wings basically and I have witnessed them do scary things to each other and to other species.
But - we are human. And as her partner- does he love her for her gentle spirit, her love of tender, vulnerable things? Sure doesn’t seem so. It seems he sees it as a flaw.
If you are a trained killer- those quick, merciless instincts are only an advantage if you are under threat in war, an attack, etc. Not if a baby bird falls out of a tree. He didn’t consider her pleas at all. If he can be that harsh in that scenario- what will he be like with her in others where patience, mercy, kindness and empathy lead to better outcomes?
Resilience means some of your humanity is still intact-not the opposite.
It also eerily reminded me of the opening scene with the protagonist in the series “House of Cards.” I won’t go into it- but it’s to show you who he really is.
Your strong connection to the bird gives me hope. Your partner is missing something. He is not strong or righteous.
Beyond his blindness to the emotional impact on you, your partner is implicating himself in a larger demonstration of human patterns of domination and entitlement— I thought of the ecologist Erick Lundgren’s work.
He suggests this invasive vs. native species conversation is a popular but limiting view. The feedback loop of controlling animals and plants is ironic: humans are the source of most invasive introductions. The strangling of one baby bird in the name of ecological justice is paradoxical and symptomatic of us humans in the Anthropocene.
Elizabeth Kolbert’s phenomenal work comes to mind, too.
Run, say goodbye first, but don’t explain your decision. He would never listen, wouldn’t accept responsibility. Just leave with your head high and thankful you found out now. The next time it might be your neck.
I’m sensitive and I love animals. If I ever saw my partner do that, I don’t know if my heart would recover. You don’t need to toughen up. It’s okay to be human and have feelings—especially well warranted ones.
This, more than anything:
“You don’t have a partner right now, in other words. You have a lover who does whatever the fuck he wants and treats you like an unenlightened pain in the ass when you take issue with his actions.”
LW, I have lived with someone like this--although he never killed an animal in front of me, and I kind of doubt that he would (not his style). But I still felt this shock of recognition when I read your letter, because while the specifics of the behavior might be different, the *animus* behind it is exactly the same. This is not someone who will ever respect you. He will gaslight you into a husk of yourself, even if he never lays a hand on you (and let's be honest, even if you haven't had an explicit indication of his physical violence towards you yet, given this incident chances are you eventually will). The number of times I begged that man, crying, not to do something horrifying, while he lectured me and told me I was too weak/silly/unenlightened are horrifying to me now. But I stayed for seven years. The ability of people like this to convince you that you are the problem is honestly uncanny.
I hope that Polly's wonderful response and the reaction in the comments can help you understand that he is the one creating a fog around you. He is the one separating you from your own emotions and judgment. There is nothing wrong with you. There is something deeply wrong with him. You can have compassion for the person in him who you love, but you cannot convince him to honor the goodness inside of him (or you). You cannot make him respect you. You can only take care of yourself. That is your sacred duty. It's not selfish and it's not "unreslient" or "childish" or whatever absurd words he uses to keep you from yourself. Love yourself with everything you have, and I promise that you'll have the strength to leave this man. If it helps, this stranger is sending all of the love she can to you.
Dear God. Run don’t walk. What you describe is much bigger than one poor bird. This guy is not Mr. Right. He’s Mr. Right About Everything, and he will soon be more and more right about what’s good for you. Been there, trust me, look for the exit and don’t explain, because he’ll talk you out of it. Good luck, and I’m so sorry. I had to kill a bird that hit my window and broke its neck; it was that, or let it die in agony. I cried for an hour.
“The word “partner” doesn’t apply to someone who refuses to take another person’s feelings into account, no matter how irrational those feelings might seem in the moment” — exactly.
I am a (hobby) naturalist who understands that you sometimes have to kill things for science or the health of an ecosystem but I would NEVER kill something — even a fly — in front of someone who would be upset by my doing that. This “partner” is not a good person, at least not at his current stage of growth.
This guy is a Complete Fucking Asshole. Period. Best just to avoid these fuckers - there was no point in LW trying to "discuss" anything with this asshole.
People this cruel are widely separated from their own humanity and thus, separated from their connectedness to EVERYTHING around them. People this cruel want everyone around them to be "cool" and "strong" about them being "cool" and "strong" via their bullshit destructive behaviors. People this cruel are BENT on being this cruel.
People this cruel are not worth your fucking time.
Y'all...
Just. Please. Stop. Trying. To. Engage. With. People. Who. Do. Destructive. Ass. Shit. This is not one of those times where we should be practicing "cOmMuNiCaTiOn." The minute they show you their asses the way this guy did with that bird, you have the God-Almighty Clarity you need to get the fuck away from them.
OP, you need to dump this man immediately. He did it to test your boundaries, to see if he could get away with upsetting you. I'm not exaggerating, you might be in physical danger in the long run.
ETA: I'm willing to bet that he never got out of his way to kill that bird when he's seen it before, without you being there.
I usually hate the online stream of people taking a complex situation and reducing it to "dump the MF already," because we all know it's not easy, not just emotionally but also mentally, financially, etc.
Nevertheless, I regret to inform you this is one of the few times it's justified. Your boyfriend acted in a way that is troubling, to say the least. Even taking your word that this type of bird is a pest that needs to be eliminated, he did it remorselessly, he did it despite your pleas for him to stop, and he did it after you showed him the bird with delight. Worse, he acted like you were the problem once you went for a walk in an attempt to calm down. No delicacy, no "I did it for these reasons, but seeing you upset is terrible." I doubt he even apologized in that "sorry you're upset" non apology way.
I'd do everything in my power to escape.
It's already over with him. You'll never again point things out to him to appreciate in quite the same way, because you trusted him to respect something and he deliberately destroyed it, partly to show you that he could.
Excellent writing and analysis by Heather; I would separate from this man immediately. It’s a sort of whiplash of intuition.
It's very rare that i read an Ask Polly letter and cry out loud "oh my GOD!" but that's what I did today. I'm so sorry you had to experience this.
“There is a wisdom that is woe” is such a true, rough thing to read and hear. Because there is SUCH woe in these kinds of wisdom. It's painful to have to face that someone you love who you know loves you could also treat you so badly and so dismissively. I'm so sorry. If he is not able to acknowledge that he was at fault, I hope you're able to disentangle yourself and that it's not too painful. And that one day you'll look back and feel peace at no longer being beholden to someone who says you're the one who needs to change after an incident like this. Hugs xo
Look, I know I can only dream of responding as poetically and with as much nuance as Heather, but is this for fucking real? Aside from the disturbing impulse to reflexively kill a baby animal--regardless of this person's designation of themselves as, what? a member of the invasive-species kill squad (do they attack invasive plants with this much aggression?)--how out of touch is this person that they're unable to pause for one second to more rationally assess the situation? A regular person (and I use "regular" extremely broadly here), even one motivated to kill a baby animal in the course of their regular day because they've decided the animal is ecologically disposable, might ask such questions as, "What will other, also regular people think of me grabbing this baby bird and killing it with my bare hands for no discernible reason?" Or, "I want to kill this animal, and I think I should kill this animal, but I think I read somewhere that cruelty to animals is bad/that other regular people think cruelty to animals is a potential sign of sociopathy? Is it necessary to kill this baby bird right now?" "What will my partner think, who just pointed out to me this lil guy because they thought it was cute? Do I want my partner to see this side of me, even if I'm righteous in my actions (because I actually am an ecologist with actual information on which animals should or should not be killed)?"
I think it's generally a good idea to be suspicious of people who respond to others' concerns by brushing them off through a claim to moral superiority. That's just the easiest way to avoid reflection and responsibility. Don't fall for it. Deeply love this person, but consider deeply loving them from afar--it's not a failure of "resilience" to point out that this person's fucked up actions look pretty fucked up.
The worst part to me was his lack of hesitation, no pause, no apology, nothing. Just the whole “nature is brutal get used to it” stuff. I love nature. I wander in the woods for hours, observing birds, deer, other animals, plants and insects. Yes, nature can be brutal. Birds are dinosaurs with wings basically and I have witnessed them do scary things to each other and to other species.
But - we are human. And as her partner- does he love her for her gentle spirit, her love of tender, vulnerable things? Sure doesn’t seem so. It seems he sees it as a flaw.
If you are a trained killer- those quick, merciless instincts are only an advantage if you are under threat in war, an attack, etc. Not if a baby bird falls out of a tree. He didn’t consider her pleas at all. If he can be that harsh in that scenario- what will he be like with her in others where patience, mercy, kindness and empathy lead to better outcomes?
Resilience means some of your humanity is still intact-not the opposite.
It also eerily reminded me of the opening scene with the protagonist in the series “House of Cards.” I won’t go into it- but it’s to show you who he really is.
Your strong connection to the bird gives me hope. Your partner is missing something. He is not strong or righteous.
Beyond his blindness to the emotional impact on you, your partner is implicating himself in a larger demonstration of human patterns of domination and entitlement— I thought of the ecologist Erick Lundgren’s work.
He suggests this invasive vs. native species conversation is a popular but limiting view. The feedback loop of controlling animals and plants is ironic: humans are the source of most invasive introductions. The strangling of one baby bird in the name of ecological justice is paradoxical and symptomatic of us humans in the Anthropocene.
Elizabeth Kolbert’s phenomenal work comes to mind, too.
Run, say goodbye first, but don’t explain your decision. He would never listen, wouldn’t accept responsibility. Just leave with your head high and thankful you found out now. The next time it might be your neck.
It’s been said and I’m just repeating this but the situation is horrifying
No pause no thought just a violent reaction
The behaviour rings multiple alarm bells & one where one walks away and does not look back ever
This response was right on.
I’m sensitive and I love animals. If I ever saw my partner do that, I don’t know if my heart would recover. You don’t need to toughen up. It’s okay to be human and have feelings—especially well warranted ones.
This, more than anything:
“You don’t have a partner right now, in other words. You have a lover who does whatever the fuck he wants and treats you like an unenlightened pain in the ass when you take issue with his actions.”
Take care of yourself ❤️🩹
LW— please run before he gets violent with you!
LW, I have lived with someone like this--although he never killed an animal in front of me, and I kind of doubt that he would (not his style). But I still felt this shock of recognition when I read your letter, because while the specifics of the behavior might be different, the *animus* behind it is exactly the same. This is not someone who will ever respect you. He will gaslight you into a husk of yourself, even if he never lays a hand on you (and let's be honest, even if you haven't had an explicit indication of his physical violence towards you yet, given this incident chances are you eventually will). The number of times I begged that man, crying, not to do something horrifying, while he lectured me and told me I was too weak/silly/unenlightened are horrifying to me now. But I stayed for seven years. The ability of people like this to convince you that you are the problem is honestly uncanny.
I hope that Polly's wonderful response and the reaction in the comments can help you understand that he is the one creating a fog around you. He is the one separating you from your own emotions and judgment. There is nothing wrong with you. There is something deeply wrong with him. You can have compassion for the person in him who you love, but you cannot convince him to honor the goodness inside of him (or you). You cannot make him respect you. You can only take care of yourself. That is your sacred duty. It's not selfish and it's not "unreslient" or "childish" or whatever absurd words he uses to keep you from yourself. Love yourself with everything you have, and I promise that you'll have the strength to leave this man. If it helps, this stranger is sending all of the love she can to you.