Listen up, fellow sharp knife single ladies! I'm about to drop some advice for those of us in this position. I'm 41 and I could have written this letter. I've been in this LW's exact position for years now, wondering why what seemed to come so naturally to others wasn't happening for me, even though I have my shit *more* together than anyone else I know. I felt perplexed and curious and sad and hopeful and ashamed and furious and everything else you could possibly imagine feeling.
But the end result was the same: I wanted a family and children, and I knew I had everything in line for it.
So I did two things:
1. I froze my eggs.
2. I hired an online dating coach. I treated finding a partner not like a lucky circumstance depending on astral alignment, but something I could actively influence and put effort into. Because some of us just don't meet our person organically, and that's absolutely fine. Stop the shame and self-blame and hire someone who will help you develop a dating strategy, because "hope" isn't a strategy. Working with a dating coach has been one of the most valuable and worthwile investments I've ever made for myself. I highly recommend it to any single woman looking to find a partner, regardless of her life circumstances.
The way I date now is so different than how I approached dating and men before. My goals and standards are clear. My boundaries are solid. I no longer take anything a man says or does personally anymore, I just look at what he does for me and how he shows up, how he aligns. I feel liberated and strong and sexy and in high demand. Please know that you have a say in your own fate and you can absolutely be active about it and - most importantly - enjoy the process.
P.S.: Btw this is not an ad and I am not a bot. Just offering some very practical advice in addition to Polly's always amazing and perceptive answer. I would never even dare imply that I *know better*.
I like this idea a lot. It makes sense that you'd want someone to listen and support you and make smart suggestions about how to keep strong boundaries and not take everything personally. Thanks for sharing your experience with us!
Definitely not too long! I do want to add that based observation, sleeping with a man quickly doesn't ruin it if he fell in love with you already. I'm not saying you should do it but I don't believe it ruined anything that was meant to be.
I agree! I hated rules about this when I was younger. But for me personally, holding back a little (when I finally did, lol) helped me to feel more secure and also more rational in my assessment of the relationship. It's all about finding the conditions that make you feel solid and confident and not TOO vulnerable.
I also had this underlying assumption that fooling around made it more official than nothing happening. I had to question that and take it slower in order to recognize that I needed some time to let myself observe someone before I jumped in.
Agreed! I think sex right away is fine, as long as it’s not going to make it harder for you to kick a guy to the curb if he’s not explicitly demonstrating - pretty soon - that he’s falling for you for real. If you’re not seeing that emerging, he’s gone. If sex makes you feel committed and connected, then in that case I agree with Polly, probably better to skip it at first.
Fellow sharp knife single lady here wondering where are these men? Instead I’m just meeting so many men who don’t want “anything serious” or an “emotional commitment.” I’ve walked away from a few potential situationships because of their failure to perform basic tasks like treating their date with courtesy and respect.
Apps are absolutely filthy with men who treat dating like running out for a quick snack. It's fucked up. It's a part of the landscape now. Balancing apps with in-person classes, groups, and activities at least exposes you to humans who are much more neutral and friendly and have similar interests. It's a slow path but I do think it adds a feeling of "okay the world is not insane, men do exist even if many are not my type." It's hard! But look, it's good that you know that courtesy and respect are important, as simple as that is. Plenty of people lose sight of that and really suffer for it.
Also, I think very sharp knives have to remember to seek very smart men. At some point I realized that I wasn't paying enough attention to intelligence (ha this makes me laugh now but it's true!), and actually, only a very smart man was going to appreciate me. It's hard to value intensity and intelligence when you feel intimidated or (even more likely) annoyed by it! My smartest boyfriends were also the ones who loved me the most, honestly. It's nuts how long it took me to understand that this was a very important factor.
LW - I so relate! I spent a lot of my 20s and 30s reading Vows in the NYT and obsessively noting how old everyone was, watching all those ages pass me by (I now believe all those perky 28 year olds getting married are beautiful idiots but I do wish them the best).
Despite how great my single life was and how much I really did relish my apartment, my stuff, my deep friendships, my hobbies, my solitude, etc., etc., my longing for everything you describe was overwhelming. The more I tried to stuff those feelings down and let myself be content, the more insane I felt. But letting myself be hurt and sad by my inability to keep a man (ew?) also felt impossible?? I toggled wildly between “this is fine” and “‘I’m in agony, how did Sally whatsherface meet her husband on her first bumble date.”
When I met my now-fiance, I really did think it was all over, and here was my happy ending wrapped in a bow. All my years of suffering and longing vindicated. HA! Suffice to say, he WAS NOT a totally secure type who was ready for me. I had to do a lot of work to state all my needs and desires plainly and not be petrified that he was going to run away (I read so many AP columns to hype myself up). He had to do a lot of work (a lot of therapy!!) to let himself be seen, to be in an intimate relationship with a noisy human woman. We are getting married after six years together, and I know it’s only the beginning of dealing with our individual and collective shit over and over and over again. But it’s also so good, beyond even what I dreamed.
I’m writing to you not to give you another data point or to show you the other side, but just to let you know how much I sympathize for where you are now. It’s hard to be a queen clown master and commander, even with attack rabbits and a coral velvet cape. It’s hard being alive and wanting things. Wishing you so much light and luck.
I think that cliches are sort of beautiful. We've experienced so many of the same things that there are phrases for it, and we can all relate and find ourselves in it? Like dang. I am an individual, but I know, deep down, that many of my ancestors and people who I don't know have had this feeling. Letter writer, you aren't alone. I hope that brings some comfort to you as you navigate what I expect will be a new and very wonderful phase of your life!
I wanna pipe in here, that if you do meet a man out in the wild who you are interested in you will probably need to make the first move, or at least some moves. In addition to the fact that dudes are famously not that great at picking up cues, a lot of good men don't wanna come off as a creeper or risk being a jerk who ruins your shared in-person class/experience by asking you out.
Also, some people assume that if they haven't seen you on the apps that means you're not available.
I understand some women feel like "he has to like me enough to initiate" but if you're grown and wanting a family you have to GET OVER that. Once romantic rapport is established there's plenty of time for someone to show that they're crazy about you (or crazy, both if you're lucky).
Listen up, fellow sharp knife single ladies! I'm about to drop some advice for those of us in this position. I'm 41 and I could have written this letter. I've been in this LW's exact position for years now, wondering why what seemed to come so naturally to others wasn't happening for me, even though I have my shit *more* together than anyone else I know. I felt perplexed and curious and sad and hopeful and ashamed and furious and everything else you could possibly imagine feeling.
But the end result was the same: I wanted a family and children, and I knew I had everything in line for it.
So I did two things:
1. I froze my eggs.
2. I hired an online dating coach. I treated finding a partner not like a lucky circumstance depending on astral alignment, but something I could actively influence and put effort into. Because some of us just don't meet our person organically, and that's absolutely fine. Stop the shame and self-blame and hire someone who will help you develop a dating strategy, because "hope" isn't a strategy. Working with a dating coach has been one of the most valuable and worthwile investments I've ever made for myself. I highly recommend it to any single woman looking to find a partner, regardless of her life circumstances.
The way I date now is so different than how I approached dating and men before. My goals and standards are clear. My boundaries are solid. I no longer take anything a man says or does personally anymore, I just look at what he does for me and how he shows up, how he aligns. I feel liberated and strong and sexy and in high demand. Please know that you have a say in your own fate and you can absolutely be active about it and - most importantly - enjoy the process.
P.S.: Btw this is not an ad and I am not a bot. Just offering some very practical advice in addition to Polly's always amazing and perceptive answer. I would never even dare imply that I *know better*.
I like this idea a lot. It makes sense that you'd want someone to listen and support you and make smart suggestions about how to keep strong boundaries and not take everything personally. Thanks for sharing your experience with us!
Definitely not too long! I do want to add that based observation, sleeping with a man quickly doesn't ruin it if he fell in love with you already. I'm not saying you should do it but I don't believe it ruined anything that was meant to be.
I agree! I hated rules about this when I was younger. But for me personally, holding back a little (when I finally did, lol) helped me to feel more secure and also more rational in my assessment of the relationship. It's all about finding the conditions that make you feel solid and confident and not TOO vulnerable.
I also had this underlying assumption that fooling around made it more official than nothing happening. I had to question that and take it slower in order to recognize that I needed some time to let myself observe someone before I jumped in.
Agreed! I think sex right away is fine, as long as it’s not going to make it harder for you to kick a guy to the curb if he’s not explicitly demonstrating - pretty soon - that he’s falling for you for real. If you’re not seeing that emerging, he’s gone. If sex makes you feel committed and connected, then in that case I agree with Polly, probably better to skip it at first.
Fellow sharp knife single lady here wondering where are these men? Instead I’m just meeting so many men who don’t want “anything serious” or an “emotional commitment.” I’ve walked away from a few potential situationships because of their failure to perform basic tasks like treating their date with courtesy and respect.
Apps are absolutely filthy with men who treat dating like running out for a quick snack. It's fucked up. It's a part of the landscape now. Balancing apps with in-person classes, groups, and activities at least exposes you to humans who are much more neutral and friendly and have similar interests. It's a slow path but I do think it adds a feeling of "okay the world is not insane, men do exist even if many are not my type." It's hard! But look, it's good that you know that courtesy and respect are important, as simple as that is. Plenty of people lose sight of that and really suffer for it.
Also, I think very sharp knives have to remember to seek very smart men. At some point I realized that I wasn't paying enough attention to intelligence (ha this makes me laugh now but it's true!), and actually, only a very smart man was going to appreciate me. It's hard to value intensity and intelligence when you feel intimidated or (even more likely) annoyed by it! My smartest boyfriends were also the ones who loved me the most, honestly. It's nuts how long it took me to understand that this was a very important factor.
LW - I so relate! I spent a lot of my 20s and 30s reading Vows in the NYT and obsessively noting how old everyone was, watching all those ages pass me by (I now believe all those perky 28 year olds getting married are beautiful idiots but I do wish them the best).
Despite how great my single life was and how much I really did relish my apartment, my stuff, my deep friendships, my hobbies, my solitude, etc., etc., my longing for everything you describe was overwhelming. The more I tried to stuff those feelings down and let myself be content, the more insane I felt. But letting myself be hurt and sad by my inability to keep a man (ew?) also felt impossible?? I toggled wildly between “this is fine” and “‘I’m in agony, how did Sally whatsherface meet her husband on her first bumble date.”
When I met my now-fiance, I really did think it was all over, and here was my happy ending wrapped in a bow. All my years of suffering and longing vindicated. HA! Suffice to say, he WAS NOT a totally secure type who was ready for me. I had to do a lot of work to state all my needs and desires plainly and not be petrified that he was going to run away (I read so many AP columns to hype myself up). He had to do a lot of work (a lot of therapy!!) to let himself be seen, to be in an intimate relationship with a noisy human woman. We are getting married after six years together, and I know it’s only the beginning of dealing with our individual and collective shit over and over and over again. But it’s also so good, beyond even what I dreamed.
I’m writing to you not to give you another data point or to show you the other side, but just to let you know how much I sympathize for where you are now. It’s hard to be a queen clown master and commander, even with attack rabbits and a coral velvet cape. It’s hard being alive and wanting things. Wishing you so much light and luck.
I think that cliches are sort of beautiful. We've experienced so many of the same things that there are phrases for it, and we can all relate and find ourselves in it? Like dang. I am an individual, but I know, deep down, that many of my ancestors and people who I don't know have had this feeling. Letter writer, you aren't alone. I hope that brings some comfort to you as you navigate what I expect will be a new and very wonderful phase of your life!
I wanna pipe in here, that if you do meet a man out in the wild who you are interested in you will probably need to make the first move, or at least some moves. In addition to the fact that dudes are famously not that great at picking up cues, a lot of good men don't wanna come off as a creeper or risk being a jerk who ruins your shared in-person class/experience by asking you out.
Also, some people assume that if they haven't seen you on the apps that means you're not available.
I understand some women feel like "he has to like me enough to initiate" but if you're grown and wanting a family you have to GET OVER that. Once romantic rapport is established there's plenty of time for someone to show that they're crazy about you (or crazy, both if you're lucky).