LW - I so relate! I spent a lot of my 20s and 30s reading Vows in the NYT and obsessively noting how old everyone was, watching all those ages pass me by (I now believe all those perky 28 year olds getting married are beautiful idiots but I do wish them the best).
Despite how great my single life was and how much I really did relish my apartment, my stuff, my deep friendships, my hobbies, my solitude, etc., etc., my longing for everything you describe was overwhelming. The more I tried to stuff those feelings down and let myself be content, the more insane I felt. But letting myself be hurt and sad by my inability to keep a man (ew?) also felt impossible?? I toggled wildly between “this is fine” and “‘I’m in agony, how did Sally whatsherface meet her husband on her first bumble date.”
When I met my now-fiance, I really did think it was all over, and here was my happy ending wrapped in a bow. All my years of suffering and longing vindicated. HA! Suffice to say, he WAS NOT a totally secure type who was ready for me. I had to do a lot of work to state all my needs and desires plainly and not be petrified that he was going to run away (I read so many AP columns to hype myself up). He had to do a lot of work (a lot of therapy!!) to let himself be seen, to be in an intimate relationship with a noisy human woman. We are getting married after six years together, and I know it’s only the beginning of dealing with our individual and collective shit over and over and over again. But it’s also so good, beyond even what I dreamed.
I’m writing to you not to give you another data point or to show you the other side, but just to let you know how much I sympathize for where you are now. It’s hard to be a queen clown master and commander, even with attack rabbits and a coral velvet cape. It’s hard being alive and wanting things. Wishing you so much light and luck.
Listen up, fellow sharp knife single ladies! I'm about to drop some advice for those of us in this position. I'm 41 and I could have written this letter. I've been in this LW's exact position for years now, wondering why what seemed to come so naturally to others wasn't happening for me, even though I have my shit *more* together than anyone else I know. I felt perplexed and curious and sad and hopeful and ashamed and furious and everything else you could possibly imagine feeling.
But the end result was the same: I wanted a family and children, and I knew I had everything in line for it.
So I did two things:
1. I froze my eggs.
2. I hired an online dating coach. I treated finding a partner not like a lucky circumstance depending on astral alignment, but something I could actively influence and put effort into. Because some of us just don't meet our person organically, and that's absolutely fine. Stop the shame and self-blame and hire someone who will help you develop a dating strategy, because "hope" isn't a strategy. Working with a dating coach has been one of the most valuable and worthwile investments I've ever made for myself. I highly recommend it to any single woman looking to find a partner, regardless of her life circumstances.
The way I date now is so different than how I approached dating and men before. My goals and standards are clear. My boundaries are solid. I no longer take anything a man says or does personally anymore, I just look at what he does for me and how he shows up, how he aligns. I feel liberated and strong and sexy and in high demand. Please know that you have a say in your own fate and you can absolutely be active about it and - most importantly - enjoy the process.
P.S.: Btw this is not an ad and I am not a bot. Just offering some very practical advice in addition to Polly's always amazing and perceptive answer. I would never even dare imply that I *know better*.
I like this idea a lot. It makes sense that you'd want someone to listen and support you and make smart suggestions about how to keep strong boundaries and not take everything personally. Thanks for sharing your experience with us!
I wanna pipe in here, that if you do meet a man out in the wild who you are interested in you will probably need to make the first move, or at least some moves. In addition to the fact that dudes are famously not that great at picking up cues, a lot of good men don't wanna come off as a creeper or risk being a jerk who ruins your shared in-person class/experience by asking you out.
Also, some people assume that if they haven't seen you on the apps that means you're not available.
I understand some women feel like "he has to like me enough to initiate" but if you're grown and wanting a family you have to GET OVER that. Once romantic rapport is established there's plenty of time for someone to show that they're crazy about you (or crazy, both if you're lucky).
Oh goodness so much to say here. First, were you so sure there was no future with fun man? You cut it off which was brave but only if you were sure he couldn’t meet your needs. Secondly I am 44 and a long time lurker and writer to this column. I met a man at 40 he was on paper all I wanted and in a semi famous band, I thought I was about to have it all. But a year later after begging for space to put my things at his house where I slept most nights, this man offered me half a drawer. HALF -luckily I was clear I was not a half a drawer kind of girl- not a fair exchange for all my love. I spent two years very angry and sad, then I went on vacation, and very drunk met a man in a bar and today I relocate from LA to live with him. This man is not perfect, he can be messy and silly and frustrates me but he is kind and I can really be me with him. I wish all these young women yearning the magic of finding someone like this. The irony is since I met him I knew I’d be ok if this ended as he has shown me how well it’s possible to be loved.
I think that cliches are sort of beautiful. We've experienced so many of the same things that there are phrases for it, and we can all relate and find ourselves in it? Like dang. I am an individual, but I know, deep down, that many of my ancestors and people who I don't know have had this feeling. LW, you aren't alone. I hope that brings some comfort to you as you navigate what I expect will be a new and very wonderful phase of your life!
"When anxious attachment meets an enormous imagination, you live inside your head too much and you emboss your obsession with rare gems and precious stones and then you can’t put it down because it gets brighter and more colorful than your actual life. You get tricked into thinking your life is drab and your longing is magnificent."
When I read her letter I recognized myself in her, in the way she daydreams because of her imagination. How do you live in reality and reconcile that there is such a strong part of you that wants to live in fantasy? Becuase I do that with all spheres of my life, not just love. And I want SO much out of life.
How do you live in reality while having such a strong desire to live in your fantasies?
Definitely not too long! I do want to add that based observation, sleeping with a man quickly doesn't ruin it if he fell in love with you already. I'm not saying you should do it but I don't believe it ruined anything that was meant to be.
I agree! I hated rules about this when I was younger. But for me personally, holding back a little (when I finally did, lol) helped me to feel more secure and also more rational in my assessment of the relationship. It's all about finding the conditions that make you feel solid and confident and not TOO vulnerable.
I also had this underlying assumption that fooling around made it more official than nothing happening. I had to question that and take it slower in order to recognize that I needed some time to let myself observe someone before I jumped in.
Agreed! I think sex right away is fine, as long as it’s not going to make it harder for you to kick a guy to the curb if he’s not explicitly demonstrating - pretty soon - that he’s falling for you for real. If you’re not seeing that emerging, he’s gone. If sex makes you feel committed and connected, then in that case I agree with Polly, probably better to skip it at first.
Fellow sharp knife single lady here wondering where are these men? Instead I’m just meeting so many men who don’t want “anything serious” or an “emotional commitment.” I’ve walked away from a few potential situationships because of their failure to perform basic tasks like treating their date with courtesy and respect.
Apps are absolutely filthy with men who treat dating like running out for a quick snack. It's fucked up. It's a part of the landscape now. Balancing apps with in-person classes, groups, and activities at least exposes you to humans who are much more neutral and friendly and have similar interests. It's a slow path but I do think it adds a feeling of "okay the world is not insane, men do exist even if many are not my type." It's hard! But look, it's good that you know that courtesy and respect are important, as simple as that is. Plenty of people lose sight of that and really suffer for it.
Also, I think very sharp knives have to remember to seek very smart men. At some point I realized that I wasn't paying enough attention to intelligence (ha this makes me laugh now but it's true!), and actually, only a very smart man was going to appreciate me. It's hard to value intensity and intelligence when you feel intimidated or (even more likely) annoyed by it! My smartest boyfriends were also the ones who loved me the most, honestly. It's nuts how long it took me to understand that this was a very important factor.
1. I could have written this verbatim. Let’s be friends.
2. In addition to Polly’s insight on this front (esp. “Once you admitted that you did want a partner, you felt 500x worse than before. Right now, you’re still nursing an emotional hangover from pretending to want less than you really want. Stop trying to disguise the strength of your desires.” !!!! Fuck!!!) I recently read and was buoyed by Jameela Jamil’s piece about her partnership with James Blake. It strikes me that these two pieces were written so closely together, they support each other beautifully, and that feels eerily synchronistic. Her piece highlighted exactly what Polly writes of: she is in a highly loving relationship that allows her to be her full self, where her wants and personhood have never been a negotiating point. “So I posted some photos of my boyfriend on the internet…”
It seems the wise women of substack have a secret schedule for sick-with-desire folks like us 🥲
LW, you are so young. I know that's frustrating to hear when it doesn't feel that way, but I have a TON of incredible girl friends who met their partners between 37-40 and everything worked out on the kids front (one is about to be 40, met her partner 1.5 years ago, and just found out she's naturally pregnant with twins after unprotected sex twice.)
The one thing you do have full control over is freezing eggs, preferably two rounds in two different locations in case of freezers breaking. The general stat my doctor shared is 10 eggs = 1 birth if banked before 36, but YMMV. If cost is an issue, look into: openfertility.com
Yep basically the letter I always think about writing but never do. I’m 32. It’s frustrating and heartbreaking, really, to see everyone around you deepening their bond with partners of 2,5,10+ years, sleeping next to someone that loves them every night, feeling secure and supported and then you turn to yourself and… it’s nothing but these mixed messages mother@$&!ers on the apps or in bars. Like the LW, I spent a lot of time in therapy working on shame and self esteem, and to Polly’s point it really *is* about fully owning your desires and n refusing to shapeshift to be whatever will keep these tepid dudes around, but when you pass that point, and fully own shit and feel like you’re commanding an attack rabbit sleigh and STILL don’t meet anyone who appreciates and values you? You start to feel like a Ferrari in a garage, just sitting there when you’re meant to be driven at high speed and admired. It’s really awful. Idk what to do… but LW, I empathize!
Polly, your columns are perfect. I just read a book that said the length of something is as long as the material will sustain. So when it needs 2,000, 40,000, 80,000 words, keep going. It’s glorious stuff, your readers brew up especially to savour it.
This was one of my favorites. The wooden sled pulled by attack rabbits, the coral velvet and green stones (I want those!) and the Gatsby refs. Perfection.
LW - I so relate! I spent a lot of my 20s and 30s reading Vows in the NYT and obsessively noting how old everyone was, watching all those ages pass me by (I now believe all those perky 28 year olds getting married are beautiful idiots but I do wish them the best).
Despite how great my single life was and how much I really did relish my apartment, my stuff, my deep friendships, my hobbies, my solitude, etc., etc., my longing for everything you describe was overwhelming. The more I tried to stuff those feelings down and let myself be content, the more insane I felt. But letting myself be hurt and sad by my inability to keep a man (ew?) also felt impossible?? I toggled wildly between “this is fine” and “‘I’m in agony, how did Sally whatsherface meet her husband on her first bumble date.”
When I met my now-fiance, I really did think it was all over, and here was my happy ending wrapped in a bow. All my years of suffering and longing vindicated. HA! Suffice to say, he WAS NOT a totally secure type who was ready for me. I had to do a lot of work to state all my needs and desires plainly and not be petrified that he was going to run away (I read so many AP columns to hype myself up). He had to do a lot of work (a lot of therapy!!) to let himself be seen, to be in an intimate relationship with a noisy human woman. We are getting married after six years together, and I know it’s only the beginning of dealing with our individual and collective shit over and over and over again. But it’s also so good, beyond even what I dreamed.
I’m writing to you not to give you another data point or to show you the other side, but just to let you know how much I sympathize for where you are now. It’s hard to be a queen clown master and commander, even with attack rabbits and a coral velvet cape. It’s hard being alive and wanting things. Wishing you so much light and luck.
oh boy did I feel this. thank you, Nareen!
Listen up, fellow sharp knife single ladies! I'm about to drop some advice for those of us in this position. I'm 41 and I could have written this letter. I've been in this LW's exact position for years now, wondering why what seemed to come so naturally to others wasn't happening for me, even though I have my shit *more* together than anyone else I know. I felt perplexed and curious and sad and hopeful and ashamed and furious and everything else you could possibly imagine feeling.
But the end result was the same: I wanted a family and children, and I knew I had everything in line for it.
So I did two things:
1. I froze my eggs.
2. I hired an online dating coach. I treated finding a partner not like a lucky circumstance depending on astral alignment, but something I could actively influence and put effort into. Because some of us just don't meet our person organically, and that's absolutely fine. Stop the shame and self-blame and hire someone who will help you develop a dating strategy, because "hope" isn't a strategy. Working with a dating coach has been one of the most valuable and worthwile investments I've ever made for myself. I highly recommend it to any single woman looking to find a partner, regardless of her life circumstances.
The way I date now is so different than how I approached dating and men before. My goals and standards are clear. My boundaries are solid. I no longer take anything a man says or does personally anymore, I just look at what he does for me and how he shows up, how he aligns. I feel liberated and strong and sexy and in high demand. Please know that you have a say in your own fate and you can absolutely be active about it and - most importantly - enjoy the process.
P.S.: Btw this is not an ad and I am not a bot. Just offering some very practical advice in addition to Polly's always amazing and perceptive answer. I would never even dare imply that I *know better*.
I like this idea a lot. It makes sense that you'd want someone to listen and support you and make smart suggestions about how to keep strong boundaries and not take everything personally. Thanks for sharing your experience with us!
I wanna pipe in here, that if you do meet a man out in the wild who you are interested in you will probably need to make the first move, or at least some moves. In addition to the fact that dudes are famously not that great at picking up cues, a lot of good men don't wanna come off as a creeper or risk being a jerk who ruins your shared in-person class/experience by asking you out.
Also, some people assume that if they haven't seen you on the apps that means you're not available.
I understand some women feel like "he has to like me enough to initiate" but if you're grown and wanting a family you have to GET OVER that. Once romantic rapport is established there's plenty of time for someone to show that they're crazy about you (or crazy, both if you're lucky).
Oh goodness so much to say here. First, were you so sure there was no future with fun man? You cut it off which was brave but only if you were sure he couldn’t meet your needs. Secondly I am 44 and a long time lurker and writer to this column. I met a man at 40 he was on paper all I wanted and in a semi famous band, I thought I was about to have it all. But a year later after begging for space to put my things at his house where I slept most nights, this man offered me half a drawer. HALF -luckily I was clear I was not a half a drawer kind of girl- not a fair exchange for all my love. I spent two years very angry and sad, then I went on vacation, and very drunk met a man in a bar and today I relocate from LA to live with him. This man is not perfect, he can be messy and silly and frustrates me but he is kind and I can really be me with him. I wish all these young women yearning the magic of finding someone like this. The irony is since I met him I knew I’d be ok if this ended as he has shown me how well it’s possible to be loved.
Half a drawer!?!! Wowza. Now that's one for the books.
Hahah right? Ironically that was the plot line of the first movie I saw with that guy too.
Now I’m just awed at his mean spiritedness.
I think that cliches are sort of beautiful. We've experienced so many of the same things that there are phrases for it, and we can all relate and find ourselves in it? Like dang. I am an individual, but I know, deep down, that many of my ancestors and people who I don't know have had this feeling. LW, you aren't alone. I hope that brings some comfort to you as you navigate what I expect will be a new and very wonderful phase of your life!
"When anxious attachment meets an enormous imagination, you live inside your head too much and you emboss your obsession with rare gems and precious stones and then you can’t put it down because it gets brighter and more colorful than your actual life. You get tricked into thinking your life is drab and your longing is magnificent."
When I read her letter I recognized myself in her, in the way she daydreams because of her imagination. How do you live in reality and reconcile that there is such a strong part of you that wants to live in fantasy? Becuase I do that with all spheres of my life, not just love. And I want SO much out of life.
How do you live in reality while having such a strong desire to live in your fantasies?
Definitely not too long! I do want to add that based observation, sleeping with a man quickly doesn't ruin it if he fell in love with you already. I'm not saying you should do it but I don't believe it ruined anything that was meant to be.
I agree! I hated rules about this when I was younger. But for me personally, holding back a little (when I finally did, lol) helped me to feel more secure and also more rational in my assessment of the relationship. It's all about finding the conditions that make you feel solid and confident and not TOO vulnerable.
I also had this underlying assumption that fooling around made it more official than nothing happening. I had to question that and take it slower in order to recognize that I needed some time to let myself observe someone before I jumped in.
Agreed! I think sex right away is fine, as long as it’s not going to make it harder for you to kick a guy to the curb if he’s not explicitly demonstrating - pretty soon - that he’s falling for you for real. If you’re not seeing that emerging, he’s gone. If sex makes you feel committed and connected, then in that case I agree with Polly, probably better to skip it at first.
Fellow sharp knife single lady here wondering where are these men? Instead I’m just meeting so many men who don’t want “anything serious” or an “emotional commitment.” I’ve walked away from a few potential situationships because of their failure to perform basic tasks like treating their date with courtesy and respect.
Apps are absolutely filthy with men who treat dating like running out for a quick snack. It's fucked up. It's a part of the landscape now. Balancing apps with in-person classes, groups, and activities at least exposes you to humans who are much more neutral and friendly and have similar interests. It's a slow path but I do think it adds a feeling of "okay the world is not insane, men do exist even if many are not my type." It's hard! But look, it's good that you know that courtesy and respect are important, as simple as that is. Plenty of people lose sight of that and really suffer for it.
Also, I think very sharp knives have to remember to seek very smart men. At some point I realized that I wasn't paying enough attention to intelligence (ha this makes me laugh now but it's true!), and actually, only a very smart man was going to appreciate me. It's hard to value intensity and intelligence when you feel intimidated or (even more likely) annoyed by it! My smartest boyfriends were also the ones who loved me the most, honestly. It's nuts how long it took me to understand that this was a very important factor.
LW,
1. I could have written this verbatim. Let’s be friends.
2. In addition to Polly’s insight on this front (esp. “Once you admitted that you did want a partner, you felt 500x worse than before. Right now, you’re still nursing an emotional hangover from pretending to want less than you really want. Stop trying to disguise the strength of your desires.” !!!! Fuck!!!) I recently read and was buoyed by Jameela Jamil’s piece about her partnership with James Blake. It strikes me that these two pieces were written so closely together, they support each other beautifully, and that feels eerily synchronistic. Her piece highlighted exactly what Polly writes of: she is in a highly loving relationship that allows her to be her full self, where her wants and personhood have never been a negotiating point. “So I posted some photos of my boyfriend on the internet…”
It seems the wise women of substack have a secret schedule for sick-with-desire folks like us 🥲
Omg I love that couple so much, as individuals and thus also as a pair.
Right!
LW, you are so young. I know that's frustrating to hear when it doesn't feel that way, but I have a TON of incredible girl friends who met their partners between 37-40 and everything worked out on the kids front (one is about to be 40, met her partner 1.5 years ago, and just found out she's naturally pregnant with twins after unprotected sex twice.)
The one thing you do have full control over is freezing eggs, preferably two rounds in two different locations in case of freezers breaking. The general stat my doctor shared is 10 eggs = 1 birth if banked before 36, but YMMV. If cost is an issue, look into: openfertility.com
Yep basically the letter I always think about writing but never do. I’m 32. It’s frustrating and heartbreaking, really, to see everyone around you deepening their bond with partners of 2,5,10+ years, sleeping next to someone that loves them every night, feeling secure and supported and then you turn to yourself and… it’s nothing but these mixed messages mother@$&!ers on the apps or in bars. Like the LW, I spent a lot of time in therapy working on shame and self esteem, and to Polly’s point it really *is* about fully owning your desires and n refusing to shapeshift to be whatever will keep these tepid dudes around, but when you pass that point, and fully own shit and feel like you’re commanding an attack rabbit sleigh and STILL don’t meet anyone who appreciates and values you? You start to feel like a Ferrari in a garage, just sitting there when you’re meant to be driven at high speed and admired. It’s really awful. Idk what to do… but LW, I empathize!
Polly, your columns are perfect. I just read a book that said the length of something is as long as the material will sustain. So when it needs 2,000, 40,000, 80,000 words, keep going. It’s glorious stuff, your readers brew up especially to savour it.
This was one of my favorites. The wooden sled pulled by attack rabbits, the coral velvet and green stones (I want those!) and the Gatsby refs. Perfection.