The timing of this could not have been better. I'm currently in the throes of my latest "anxious person longing for an avoidant" dynamic. Despite the years of therapy and inner work, I still completely abandon myself when the opportunity arises to seek approval from a man who will never give it to me. My brain is like - maybe, just maybe, this time you'll get that final stamp of approval and love at long last, and the search will be over and you'll be known and you'll be loved until the end of days.
But as Polly says, the answer is never out there and coming to that realization is hard. You have to let go of the fantasy and grieve the loss of it and of the person it was attached to. But unfortunately, if your goal is to finally feel fulfilled over that fire in your veins, this person is not going to be able to do it for you. They will drag you down further than you can imagine.
If they didn't choose you in the past, it likely has nothing to do with you and really doesn't have to be that deep. The same way you've likely opted to not be with people several times in your life for whatever personal reason that has nothing to do with whether that person was "good enough". This man from your history doesn't hold some mystical set of answers and the sole ability to validate you. He's just a man! (BTW "it's not that deep" is one of the more helpful self-talk mantras that I employ these days).
Sigh. It's hard out there LTC. I will speak for myself, but I've been exploring how to get more out of my mind and into my body. The answers likely aren't in your head. It's about finding ways to get grounded when your mind takes control of your body and nervous system. I love what Polly says about "resolving to support your curiosity as much as possible" and about pouring that fire into the existing relationships in your life. How can we redirect this energy towards places we know in our hearts are safe, secure, loving, and fruitful?
I'm fortunate to not have my fantasy be "romance with a magical person" , but I definitely have a fantasy that functions in a similar way: "romance with a magical creative career." As if somehow, all the validation of my life will come from achieving a certain amount of something (success? audience? admiration? impact? consistency in my practice?), and I have to wait for that level of achievement to allow myself to be happy.
The only thing that saves me from this fantasy is knowing lots of other creative people at various levels of success, and seeing that 1) the target called "success" is always moving, and 2) people's happiness seems completely unrelated, or even inversely related, to how much success they have.
I also try to keep a spectrum of relative jealousy in my head: I have achieved things that other people would are jealous of. Other people have achieved things that I am jealous of. If you zoom out to the cosmic level, we are all tiny bugs scrabbling for millimeters. I find this very comforting. But the yearning of that little bug to crawl is the beautiful life force inside us, so the tiny millimeters DO matter. But relative measurement doesn't matter.
This could have been me writing this. My guy even pointed out that I fell in love with the idea of being in love. The beginning was incredibly magical and romantic. I fell fast and hard and deep and the grief I felt at the end of it was unbearable.
I held onto that hurt for years. A friend I confided in said that holding onto the hurt must be benefiting me in some way. Maybe holding onto that pain made me feel like some tragic figure, and, therefore, a more romantic one in my mind. Months would go by without a thought of him, but then there would be a sighting, or a book or film or restaurant. And I would feel a pang of that old, familiar pain.
I am decades out, now, happily married many years, raised a daughter and am living my best life. Even though my life with my husband is "predictable" it is wonderful to have a partner who wants to be with you, make plans, and is your champion. I have done so many scary things in my life that have helped me grow with his support. The two years of healing before I met him and then our first years of being together have made me bloom as a human. Now I LOVE time alone, have my personal passions and I do not need my partner around all the time with me for validation. I realized that love really is helping your partner be the best, and happiest they can be. And I realized that if I want magic in my life, I am the one who has to create it. I am the source of my self esteem. I do not have to rely on another person.
And I can honestly say 95% of me wishes my ex love well. He is now happily married and living his best life. There still is that last 5% of me remembering how he led me on, took advantage of my generosity and gave me just enough to keep me in his life because that benefited him. It took me a long time to trust a partner again, but I found in my husband the most loyal, honest and trustworthy guy I could ever hope for.
Transitioning out of a 10 year career that made you feel dead inside is definitely a moment for grieving. The exact nature of it, I don't know, and it sounds like the job was a necessary/consciously chosen step in the LWs life, but that's a pretty big thing lurking in the back there.
As for the fantasy partnership? No matter how wonderful that person is, no matter how devoted you are to them and the high dream of what your life together could be: if you are aperson who cares for yourself AT ALL there is inevitably a moment where suffering stops feeling romantic.
This is such a good point. As humans, sometimes have things we allow ourselves to have Big Feels about (grieving an ex) and things we don't allow ourselves to have Big Feels about (grieving the 10 years we spent at the wrong job). The thing we're in the habit of feeling acts as an emotional release valve for the thing we're not in the habit of feeling.
I am nodding along to this marvelous response line by line. What strikes me is how perfectly these musings align with just about anything else we find ourselves falling out of love with, even outside of romantic relationships! Thank you for bequeathing us with such pearls of wisdom on the art of re-enchantment. May we all let go of our Joes and receive what’s relentlessly and deeply situated in front of us, may we all stretch our longings past our comfort zone.
I feel 100% seen by this even though I’m not married (and not even in a relationship, lol). But I too have the habit of crushing on unavailable people. I also want to work for someone‘s love (but it doesn’t work that way, does it?)
At first I was ashamed to talk about these crushes, then I opened up and even started to enjoy them, knowing that nothing real would happen. They are the perfect replacement for real intimacy. But in the end I’m not doing me a favour in keeping them alive. I‘m going to think a lot about this answer and hopefully will apply some of its wisdom
Heather! Before reading this post I’m barging in to interrupt -like a Julio Torres cactus arriving late then immediately chiming in!
Your interview on _how to be a better human_
was a blast ! It sounded like you made the host blush too, because I’ve not heard his voice crack like that.
Thank you for writing as close as possible to truth as one can get- on motherhood friendship and relationships.
If you suddenly went silent, I would be very depressed-
though I wouldn’t be sobbing all by myself, because writers who drag the shadows out publicly in the most clever and entertaining ways save more lives than last night’s DJ and that shrink in Beverly Hills (You know the one!)
Your reflection on the family Disney vacation made me pee my pants, in public, during a date. He was probably a serial killer.
Your critique of Marky Mark Wahlberg’s Entourage ended my relationship. I have it memorized- your writing, not the zzz show. Relationship was killing me- just in time your words shook me awake.
And how did you know that I spend time with the dog and his slobbery toy instead of drowning in small talk over by the sweaty cheese? Just would’ve had diarrhea on that one, but thanks for the permission to play with the dog instead!
Bumper stickers on my car have your face floating in a big heart made of pens and typewriters cause you’re the coolest. Seriously, our world needs more HH.
This is the dictation application that never works properly but you translate well and for that too, I am grateful.
Sending this with love and signing with my pen name, Kathleen Kiddo
But wait!
Please don’t call this fanmail. Most of my experiences with “fans” reminded me to change the locks. Sociopathic or simply fickle, who knows!
Neither fits, but I’ve edited this post ninety-two times. I’m running out of time faster than my peers so I’ll keep it brief next time I leave any unsolicited reminders.
I hope you’ll consider accepting this off topic glow up as it is. A most sincere thank you, or a reminder:
The timing of this could not have been better. I'm currently in the throes of my latest "anxious person longing for an avoidant" dynamic. Despite the years of therapy and inner work, I still completely abandon myself when the opportunity arises to seek approval from a man who will never give it to me. My brain is like - maybe, just maybe, this time you'll get that final stamp of approval and love at long last, and the search will be over and you'll be known and you'll be loved until the end of days.
But as Polly says, the answer is never out there and coming to that realization is hard. You have to let go of the fantasy and grieve the loss of it and of the person it was attached to. But unfortunately, if your goal is to finally feel fulfilled over that fire in your veins, this person is not going to be able to do it for you. They will drag you down further than you can imagine.
If they didn't choose you in the past, it likely has nothing to do with you and really doesn't have to be that deep. The same way you've likely opted to not be with people several times in your life for whatever personal reason that has nothing to do with whether that person was "good enough". This man from your history doesn't hold some mystical set of answers and the sole ability to validate you. He's just a man! (BTW "it's not that deep" is one of the more helpful self-talk mantras that I employ these days).
Sigh. It's hard out there LTC. I will speak for myself, but I've been exploring how to get more out of my mind and into my body. The answers likely aren't in your head. It's about finding ways to get grounded when your mind takes control of your body and nervous system. I love what Polly says about "resolving to support your curiosity as much as possible" and about pouring that fire into the existing relationships in your life. How can we redirect this energy towards places we know in our hearts are safe, secure, loving, and fruitful?
Sending you a big hug.
This post is REAL TALK
I'm fortunate to not have my fantasy be "romance with a magical person" , but I definitely have a fantasy that functions in a similar way: "romance with a magical creative career." As if somehow, all the validation of my life will come from achieving a certain amount of something (success? audience? admiration? impact? consistency in my practice?), and I have to wait for that level of achievement to allow myself to be happy.
The only thing that saves me from this fantasy is knowing lots of other creative people at various levels of success, and seeing that 1) the target called "success" is always moving, and 2) people's happiness seems completely unrelated, or even inversely related, to how much success they have.
I also try to keep a spectrum of relative jealousy in my head: I have achieved things that other people would are jealous of. Other people have achieved things that I am jealous of. If you zoom out to the cosmic level, we are all tiny bugs scrabbling for millimeters. I find this very comforting. But the yearning of that little bug to crawl is the beautiful life force inside us, so the tiny millimeters DO matter. But relative measurement doesn't matter.
This could have been me writing this. My guy even pointed out that I fell in love with the idea of being in love. The beginning was incredibly magical and romantic. I fell fast and hard and deep and the grief I felt at the end of it was unbearable.
I held onto that hurt for years. A friend I confided in said that holding onto the hurt must be benefiting me in some way. Maybe holding onto that pain made me feel like some tragic figure, and, therefore, a more romantic one in my mind. Months would go by without a thought of him, but then there would be a sighting, or a book or film or restaurant. And I would feel a pang of that old, familiar pain.
I am decades out, now, happily married many years, raised a daughter and am living my best life. Even though my life with my husband is "predictable" it is wonderful to have a partner who wants to be with you, make plans, and is your champion. I have done so many scary things in my life that have helped me grow with his support. The two years of healing before I met him and then our first years of being together have made me bloom as a human. Now I LOVE time alone, have my personal passions and I do not need my partner around all the time with me for validation. I realized that love really is helping your partner be the best, and happiest they can be. And I realized that if I want magic in my life, I am the one who has to create it. I am the source of my self esteem. I do not have to rely on another person.
And I can honestly say 95% of me wishes my ex love well. He is now happily married and living his best life. There still is that last 5% of me remembering how he led me on, took advantage of my generosity and gave me just enough to keep me in his life because that benefited him. It took me a long time to trust a partner again, but I found in my husband the most loyal, honest and trustworthy guy I could ever hope for.
Transitioning out of a 10 year career that made you feel dead inside is definitely a moment for grieving. The exact nature of it, I don't know, and it sounds like the job was a necessary/consciously chosen step in the LWs life, but that's a pretty big thing lurking in the back there.
As for the fantasy partnership? No matter how wonderful that person is, no matter how devoted you are to them and the high dream of what your life together could be: if you are aperson who cares for yourself AT ALL there is inevitably a moment where suffering stops feeling romantic.
This is such a good point. As humans, sometimes have things we allow ourselves to have Big Feels about (grieving an ex) and things we don't allow ourselves to have Big Feels about (grieving the 10 years we spent at the wrong job). The thing we're in the habit of feeling acts as an emotional release valve for the thing we're not in the habit of feeling.
I have done this a lot myself!
I am nodding along to this marvelous response line by line. What strikes me is how perfectly these musings align with just about anything else we find ourselves falling out of love with, even outside of romantic relationships! Thank you for bequeathing us with such pearls of wisdom on the art of re-enchantment. May we all let go of our Joes and receive what’s relentlessly and deeply situated in front of us, may we all stretch our longings past our comfort zone.
I feel 100% seen by this even though I’m not married (and not even in a relationship, lol). But I too have the habit of crushing on unavailable people. I also want to work for someone‘s love (but it doesn’t work that way, does it?)
At first I was ashamed to talk about these crushes, then I opened up and even started to enjoy them, knowing that nothing real would happen. They are the perfect replacement for real intimacy. But in the end I’m not doing me a favour in keeping them alive. I‘m going to think a lot about this answer and hopefully will apply some of its wisdom
Heather! Before reading this post I’m barging in to interrupt -like a Julio Torres cactus arriving late then immediately chiming in!
Your interview on _how to be a better human_
was a blast ! It sounded like you made the host blush too, because I’ve not heard his voice crack like that.
Thank you for writing as close as possible to truth as one can get- on motherhood friendship and relationships.
If you suddenly went silent, I would be very depressed-
though I wouldn’t be sobbing all by myself, because writers who drag the shadows out publicly in the most clever and entertaining ways save more lives than last night’s DJ and that shrink in Beverly Hills (You know the one!)
Your reflection on the family Disney vacation made me pee my pants, in public, during a date. He was probably a serial killer.
Your critique of Marky Mark Wahlberg’s Entourage ended my relationship. I have it memorized- your writing, not the zzz show. Relationship was killing me- just in time your words shook me awake.
And how did you know that I spend time with the dog and his slobbery toy instead of drowning in small talk over by the sweaty cheese? Just would’ve had diarrhea on that one, but thanks for the permission to play with the dog instead!
Bumper stickers on my car have your face floating in a big heart made of pens and typewriters cause you’re the coolest. Seriously, our world needs more HH.
This is the dictation application that never works properly but you translate well and for that too, I am grateful.
Sending this with love and signing with my pen name, Kathleen Kiddo
But wait!
Please don’t call this fanmail. Most of my experiences with “fans” reminded me to change the locks. Sociopathic or simply fickle, who knows!
Neither fits, but I’ve edited this post ninety-two times. I’m running out of time faster than my peers so I’ll keep it brief next time I leave any unsolicited reminders.
I hope you’ll consider accepting this off topic glow up as it is. A most sincere thank you, or a reminder:
Heather, your pen is a lightning bolt. ⚡️
I love Julio Torres so much
Bangerrr