I'm fortunate to not have my fantasy be "romance with a magical person" , but I definitely have a fantasy that functions in a similar way: "romance with a magical creative career." As if somehow, all the validation of my life will come from achieving a certain amount of something (success? audience? admiration? impact? consistency in my practice?), and I have to wait for that level of achievement to allow myself to be happy.
The only thing that saves me from this fantasy is knowing lots of other creative people at various levels of success, and seeing that 1) the target called "success" is always moving, and 2) people's happiness seems completely unrelated, or even inversely related, to how much success they have.
I also try to keep a spectrum of relative jealousy in my head: I have achieved things that other people would are jealous of. Other people have achieved things that I am jealous of. If you zoom out to the cosmic level, we are all tiny bugs scrabbling for millimeters. I find this very comforting. But the yearning of that little bug to crawl is the beautiful life force inside us, so the tiny millimeters DO matter. But relative measurement doesn't matter.
The timing of this could not have been better. I'm currently in the throes of my latest "anxious person longing for an avoidant" dynamic. Despite the years of therapy and inner work, I still completely abandon myself when the opportunity arises to seek approval from a man who will never give it to me. My brain is like - maybe, just maybe, this time you'll get that final stamp of approval and love at long last, and the search will be over and you'll be known and you'll be loved until the end of days.
But as Polly says, the answer is never out there and coming to that realization is hard. You have to let go of the fantasy and grieve the loss of it and of the person it was attached to. But unfortunately, if your goal is to finally feel fulfilled over that fire in your veins, this person is not going to be able to do it for you. They will drag you down further than you can imagine.
If they didn't choose you in the past, it likely has nothing to do with you and really doesn't have to be that deep. The same way you've likely opted to not be with people several times in your life for whatever personal reason that has nothing to do with whether that person was "good enough". This man from your history doesn't hold some mystical set of answers and the sole ability to validate you. He's just a man! (BTW "it's not that deep" is one of the more helpful self-talk mantras that I employ these days).
Sigh. It's hard out there LTC. I will speak for myself, but I've been exploring how to get more out of my mind and into my body. The answers likely aren't in your head. It's about finding ways to get grounded when your mind takes control of your body and nervous system. I love what Polly says about "resolving to support your curiosity as much as possible" and about pouring that fire into the existing relationships in your life. How can we redirect this energy towards places we know in our hearts are safe, secure, loving, and fruitful?
What an absolutely excellent response from Heather - it reminds me of the old-school Rabbit blog ones! My god, the amount of times I've fallen for men who are just out of reach, who seem magical, just like the letter writer's Joe, and oh, the huge huge difficulty in unhooking from them and truly believing that I – and my own life – have enough magic too, and it's not all about them. It's happened more times than I care to remember.
One thing that comes with age – well, being in my 40s – (and for me, having kids) is that no man really has that level of magic anymore. And thank god for that. They all seem to show up weaker, more broken and more real than they ever did before. Not that that some of them still aren't great, they are, but somehow age – and other wonderful, magical, smaller humans – manage to help level the playing field. None of us have escaped being humbled somehow by time, and it might sound mercenary or cynical to say that, but it's true, and it helps. I bet this Joe will be the same in ways the letter writer doesn't even know; I bet that up close he is as mundane and humbled as anyone else.
It also reminds me of the shiniest, most magical of men I was besotted with – spending a night with him and listening to his beer-drunk snores as he slept, just so gross and unpoetic. It still took a long time for the magic to wear off him, despite that, but honestly, hearing a magic man snore loudly and relentlessly ALL NIGHT can do wonders to start tipping him off that pedestal!
It's not the men aren't magical, it's the idea "No man is a hero to his valet". Familiarity breeds contempt, not actually whether the guy is still as impressive or even more so.
If that wasn't the case, you wouldn't see reasonably attractive men (but nothing truly exceptional in looks or wealth) get divorced then dramatically upgrade to a hotter, younger and more successful partner.
This could have been me writing this. My guy even pointed out that I fell in love with the idea of being in love. The beginning was incredibly magical and romantic. I fell fast and hard and deep and the grief I felt at the end of it was unbearable.
I held onto that hurt for years. A friend I confided in said that holding onto the hurt must be benefiting me in some way. Maybe holding onto that pain made me feel like some tragic figure, and, therefore, a more romantic one in my mind. Months would go by without a thought of him, but then there would be a sighting, or a book or film or restaurant. And I would feel a pang of that old, familiar pain.
I am decades out, now, happily married many years, raised a daughter and am living my best life. Even though my life with my husband is "predictable" it is wonderful to have a partner who wants to be with you, make plans, and is your champion. I have done so many scary things in my life that have helped me grow with his support. The two years of healing before I met him and then our first years of being together have made me bloom as a human. Now I LOVE time alone, have my personal passions and I do not need my partner around all the time with me for validation. I realized that love really is helping your partner be the best, and happiest they can be. And I realized that if I want magic in my life, I am the one who has to create it. I am the source of my self esteem. I do not have to rely on another person.
And I can honestly say 95% of me wishes my ex love well. He is now happily married and living his best life. There still is that last 5% of me remembering how he led me on, took advantage of my generosity and gave me just enough to keep me in his life because that benefited him. It took me a long time to trust a partner again, but I found in my husband the most loyal, honest and trustworthy guy I could ever hope for.
Oh boy, I also understand this dynamic. I had a brief, intense relationship with a magical guy who broke up with me when he decided to move to another city. I met my now-husband within a year of that happening. And even though I was very in love with my new beau, I would still spend a lot of time thinking about my “Joe” and feeling sad. For a while, I was really worried about what it meant about my new relationship that I was still so hung up on this other guy.
Eventually, I realized that…sometimes a bitch just needs to YEARN, you know?! Like pushing on a loose tooth to feel that strangely compelling ache; like going to see your favorite opera where the lovers die in each other’s arms at the end as you weep nobly in your seat and yell “Brava!” Like getting on a rollercoaster precisely to feel like your stomach is going to drop out of your butt.
The best thing I ever did was realize (decide?) that my habit of yearning for this dude didn’t mean… anything at all about my life and whether I was truly happy in it. That this was just a feeling that I sometimes like to feel, and the memory of Joe is a very potent vector for me to experience that feeling.
It’s been nearly a decade since Joe left, and I think about him less and less. Occasionally bouts of yearning still pop up, but they don’t make me anxious about my happiness and my marriage anymore. I just lean into the yearning, wring every last drop of that compelling ache out of his memory, and then…get back to my happy life, goofing off with my amazing husband on the couch or planning our next vacation or playing backgammon with martinis. Honestly, Joe could NEVER! Even if he showed up tomorrow, I would not leave my life with my husband for anything.
I am nodding along to this marvelous response line by line. What strikes me is how perfectly these musings align with just about anything else we find ourselves falling out of love with, even outside of romantic relationships! Thank you for bequeathing us with such pearls of wisdom on the art of re-enchantment. May we all let go of our Joes and receive what’s relentlessly and deeply situated in front of us, may we all stretch our longings past our comfort zone.
Transitioning out of a 10 year career that made you feel dead inside is definitely a moment for grieving. The exact nature of it, I don't know, and it sounds like the job was a necessary/consciously chosen step in the LWs life, but that's a pretty big thing lurking in the back there.
As for the fantasy partnership? No matter how wonderful that person is, no matter how devoted you are to them and the high dream of what your life together could be: if you are someone who cares for yourself AT ALL there is inevitably a moment where suffering stops feeling romantic.
This is such a good point. As humans, we sometimes have things we allow ourselves to have Big Feels about (grieving an ex) and things we don't allow ourselves to have Big Feels about (grieving the 10 years we spent at the wrong job). The thing we're in the habit of feeling acts as an emotional release valve for the thing we're not in the habit of feeling.
I appreciate LTC’s vulnerability here and (as always) Polly’s spot on advice. Recently, my ex spouse reached out to me after 5 years no contact and I realized I’d been holding on to a fantasy of sorts. I met my ex when I was young and in the years following the ending of our relationship, I’ve grown into myself and changed a lot. I think I had this fantasy that if/when we ever connected again, it would be this full circle, look at us we’ve grown and matured moment. Instead, I found myself ANNOYED, thinking who is this person? It wasn’t magical, it was weird, intrusive, and a bit delusional. As soon as the relationship was over, as devastated as I was, I didn’t want it back. But, I think I really wanted her to live up to this idea of someone in my head that she is not (and probably never was). I didn’t want it to be true that I got married too young, when I had no clue who I was, to someone who also didn’t know who they were! So, I had concocted this fantasy that one day we’d meet up again and it would make sense to me why we had been together in the first place. LOL fantasy bubble burst.
This is such a solid response. I have been here (minus the finding my person and marrying them). My "Joe" I haven't spoken to in several years, and he also has a baby with his longterm partner. I think the clearest most cutting reason I had for forcing myself to move on from fantasy land is that all the things he told you he couldn't be for you, he is happily for someone else. If he has a longterm partner and baby, and is half the person you described him to be at the outset, then you have to see clearly that you weren't it for him. That is a very tough pill to swallow when the fantasy of what was is soooo good and heightened.
I look back on my situationship with a guy like this from my past and honestly have never found a connection half as exciting/thrilling/connected. But despite all that we felt together (or maybe I honestly), the truth remains that he happily chose someone else to do life with.
I'm very glad that you did indeed find a loving husband (they are harder and harder to come by these days). Hoping you don't throw away a perfectly good and loving marriage over the fantasy of someone who never could or would give you what you need and deserve in a relationship.
The last thing I'll say is the desire/or not to have a baby with your husband. I understand this 1000% and it makes me think of Eva Mendes who always said she never wanted to have children, until she met Ryan Gosling, her now husband and father to her kids. That's a real idk...biological thing that you can't fake. It is saying something that you're questioning that desire with your kind, safe, loving husband, but felt it so clearly with Joe. I don't know what it's saying but definitely felt the same way about this guy from my past and have never felt that urge with anyone since.
WOW. I love this piece of writing. I love polly. I love you all readers. We are all struggling and we are loved at the same time. We all go through similar life challenges and we are here to learn to love each other while we learn to stand up tall. Peace and love to everyone. <3
Bravo! Bravo to the courageous display of vulnerability from the letter writer. Bravo to Heather for a spot on and compassionate and hopeful response. And bravo to the brilliant comments. How reassuring it is to read about situations that ring a bell with your own life, especially when you hold such an enormous amount of shame about them. And what a gift from Heather, and the comments section, to share both their own cringe moments and also a way out. Letter writer, I’ve been there too. Fantasy is such a powerful thing and provides such respite when we are hurting. And it’s also very painful to admit to ourselves that the fantasy IS NOT REAL, and to give up that strange security blanket. Heather’s right, the magic is inside the house, not out there waiting to be brought to the party by someone else. But it’s hard to get started on locating that magic when you are scared. I so get that. But I love the way Heather offered such a kind but measured, step by step way to start. And everything she said is true. And of course I still buy into a reassuring fantasy from time to time, but again and again as I grow I realise the fantasy was only getting in the way of me being happier. Good luck letter writer, you are actually much stronger and way more loveable than you think. X
Another layer is that our culture is so deeply phobic about our past romantic lives. Reminiscing about an old friend or coworker is fine, but sharing fondness for an old lover (especially one you weren't dating for that long and who didn't treat you well) is highly shamed. It's a recipe for madness and obsession for a certain personality type (mine very much included).
I feel 100% seen by this even though I’m not married (and not even in a relationship, lol). But I too have the habit of crushing on unavailable people. I also want to work for someone‘s love (but it doesn’t work that way, does it?)
At first I was ashamed to talk about these crushes, then I opened up and even started to enjoy them, knowing that nothing real would happen. They are the perfect replacement for real intimacy. But in the end I’m not doing me a favour in keeping them alive. I‘m going to think a lot about this answer and hopefully will apply some of its wisdom
Heather! Before reading this post I’m barging in to interrupt -like a Julio Torres cactus arriving late then immediately chiming in!
Your interview on _how to be a better human_
was a blast ! It sounded like you made the host blush too, because I’ve not heard his voice crack like that.
Thank you for writing as close as possible to truth as one can get- on motherhood friendship and relationships.
If you suddenly went silent, I would be very depressed-
though I wouldn’t be sobbing all by myself, because writers who drag the shadows out publicly in the most clever and entertaining ways save more lives than last night’s DJ and that shrink in Beverly Hills (You know the one!)
Your reflection on the family Disney vacation made me pee my pants, in public, during a date. He was probably a serial killer.
Your critique of Marky Mark Wahlberg’s Entourage ended my relationship. I have it memorized- your writing, not the zzz show. Relationship was killing me- just in time your words shook me awake.
And how did you know that I spend time with the dog and his slobbery toy instead of drowning in small talk over by the sweaty cheese? Just would’ve had diarrhea on that one, but thanks for the permission to play with the dog instead!
Bumper stickers on my car have your face floating in a big heart made of pens and typewriters cause you’re the coolest. Seriously, our world needs more HH.
This is the dictation application that never works properly but you translate well and for that too, I am grateful.
Sending this with love and signing with my pen name, Kathleen Kiddo
But wait!
Please don’t call this fanmail. Most of my experiences with “fans” reminded me to change the locks. Sociopathic or simply fickle, who knows!
Neither fits, but I’ve edited this post ninety-two times. I’m running out of time faster than my peers so I’ll keep it brief next time I leave any unsolicited reminders.
I hope you’ll consider accepting this off topic glow up as it is. A most sincere thank you, or a reminder:
In Red Pill spaces, this woman is called an "Alpha Widow". It means that she was once with the guy who gave her the maximum butterflies, who she wanted to have endless children with, who no other man will ever measure up to.
Men should avoid these women if you can spot them, because you will never be her first choice, you will always be the "runner up", and few men can handle that in the long run.
If you are this woman, please be Rose from the Titanic movie and *never ever tell your husband about this other guy*. Please take it to your grave. Most men will be devastated to know that you always secretly pine for the other guy.
This post is REAL TALK
I'm fortunate to not have my fantasy be "romance with a magical person" , but I definitely have a fantasy that functions in a similar way: "romance with a magical creative career." As if somehow, all the validation of my life will come from achieving a certain amount of something (success? audience? admiration? impact? consistency in my practice?), and I have to wait for that level of achievement to allow myself to be happy.
The only thing that saves me from this fantasy is knowing lots of other creative people at various levels of success, and seeing that 1) the target called "success" is always moving, and 2) people's happiness seems completely unrelated, or even inversely related, to how much success they have.
I also try to keep a spectrum of relative jealousy in my head: I have achieved things that other people would are jealous of. Other people have achieved things that I am jealous of. If you zoom out to the cosmic level, we are all tiny bugs scrabbling for millimeters. I find this very comforting. But the yearning of that little bug to crawl is the beautiful life force inside us, so the tiny millimeters DO matter. But relative measurement doesn't matter.
The timing of this could not have been better. I'm currently in the throes of my latest "anxious person longing for an avoidant" dynamic. Despite the years of therapy and inner work, I still completely abandon myself when the opportunity arises to seek approval from a man who will never give it to me. My brain is like - maybe, just maybe, this time you'll get that final stamp of approval and love at long last, and the search will be over and you'll be known and you'll be loved until the end of days.
But as Polly says, the answer is never out there and coming to that realization is hard. You have to let go of the fantasy and grieve the loss of it and of the person it was attached to. But unfortunately, if your goal is to finally feel fulfilled over that fire in your veins, this person is not going to be able to do it for you. They will drag you down further than you can imagine.
If they didn't choose you in the past, it likely has nothing to do with you and really doesn't have to be that deep. The same way you've likely opted to not be with people several times in your life for whatever personal reason that has nothing to do with whether that person was "good enough". This man from your history doesn't hold some mystical set of answers and the sole ability to validate you. He's just a man! (BTW "it's not that deep" is one of the more helpful self-talk mantras that I employ these days).
Sigh. It's hard out there LTC. I will speak for myself, but I've been exploring how to get more out of my mind and into my body. The answers likely aren't in your head. It's about finding ways to get grounded when your mind takes control of your body and nervous system. I love what Polly says about "resolving to support your curiosity as much as possible" and about pouring that fire into the existing relationships in your life. How can we redirect this energy towards places we know in our hearts are safe, secure, loving, and fruitful?
Sending you a big hug.
What an absolutely excellent response from Heather - it reminds me of the old-school Rabbit blog ones! My god, the amount of times I've fallen for men who are just out of reach, who seem magical, just like the letter writer's Joe, and oh, the huge huge difficulty in unhooking from them and truly believing that I – and my own life – have enough magic too, and it's not all about them. It's happened more times than I care to remember.
One thing that comes with age – well, being in my 40s – (and for me, having kids) is that no man really has that level of magic anymore. And thank god for that. They all seem to show up weaker, more broken and more real than they ever did before. Not that that some of them still aren't great, they are, but somehow age – and other wonderful, magical, smaller humans – manage to help level the playing field. None of us have escaped being humbled somehow by time, and it might sound mercenary or cynical to say that, but it's true, and it helps. I bet this Joe will be the same in ways the letter writer doesn't even know; I bet that up close he is as mundane and humbled as anyone else.
It also reminds me of the shiniest, most magical of men I was besotted with – spending a night with him and listening to his beer-drunk snores as he slept, just so gross and unpoetic. It still took a long time for the magic to wear off him, despite that, but honestly, hearing a magic man snore loudly and relentlessly ALL NIGHT can do wonders to start tipping him off that pedestal!
hearing a man snore is divine protection
It's not the men aren't magical, it's the idea "No man is a hero to his valet". Familiarity breeds contempt, not actually whether the guy is still as impressive or even more so.
If that wasn't the case, you wouldn't see reasonably attractive men (but nothing truly exceptional in looks or wealth) get divorced then dramatically upgrade to a hotter, younger and more successful partner.
This could have been me writing this. My guy even pointed out that I fell in love with the idea of being in love. The beginning was incredibly magical and romantic. I fell fast and hard and deep and the grief I felt at the end of it was unbearable.
I held onto that hurt for years. A friend I confided in said that holding onto the hurt must be benefiting me in some way. Maybe holding onto that pain made me feel like some tragic figure, and, therefore, a more romantic one in my mind. Months would go by without a thought of him, but then there would be a sighting, or a book or film or restaurant. And I would feel a pang of that old, familiar pain.
I am decades out, now, happily married many years, raised a daughter and am living my best life. Even though my life with my husband is "predictable" it is wonderful to have a partner who wants to be with you, make plans, and is your champion. I have done so many scary things in my life that have helped me grow with his support. The two years of healing before I met him and then our first years of being together have made me bloom as a human. Now I LOVE time alone, have my personal passions and I do not need my partner around all the time with me for validation. I realized that love really is helping your partner be the best, and happiest they can be. And I realized that if I want magic in my life, I am the one who has to create it. I am the source of my self esteem. I do not have to rely on another person.
And I can honestly say 95% of me wishes my ex love well. He is now happily married and living his best life. There still is that last 5% of me remembering how he led me on, took advantage of my generosity and gave me just enough to keep me in his life because that benefited him. It took me a long time to trust a partner again, but I found in my husband the most loyal, honest and trustworthy guy I could ever hope for.
Oh boy, I also understand this dynamic. I had a brief, intense relationship with a magical guy who broke up with me when he decided to move to another city. I met my now-husband within a year of that happening. And even though I was very in love with my new beau, I would still spend a lot of time thinking about my “Joe” and feeling sad. For a while, I was really worried about what it meant about my new relationship that I was still so hung up on this other guy.
Eventually, I realized that…sometimes a bitch just needs to YEARN, you know?! Like pushing on a loose tooth to feel that strangely compelling ache; like going to see your favorite opera where the lovers die in each other’s arms at the end as you weep nobly in your seat and yell “Brava!” Like getting on a rollercoaster precisely to feel like your stomach is going to drop out of your butt.
The best thing I ever did was realize (decide?) that my habit of yearning for this dude didn’t mean… anything at all about my life and whether I was truly happy in it. That this was just a feeling that I sometimes like to feel, and the memory of Joe is a very potent vector for me to experience that feeling.
It’s been nearly a decade since Joe left, and I think about him less and less. Occasionally bouts of yearning still pop up, but they don’t make me anxious about my happiness and my marriage anymore. I just lean into the yearning, wring every last drop of that compelling ache out of his memory, and then…get back to my happy life, goofing off with my amazing husband on the couch or planning our next vacation or playing backgammon with martinis. Honestly, Joe could NEVER! Even if he showed up tomorrow, I would not leave my life with my husband for anything.
💯
I hope everyone sees this comment!
See also: the song “Train in the Distance” by Paul Simon
I am nodding along to this marvelous response line by line. What strikes me is how perfectly these musings align with just about anything else we find ourselves falling out of love with, even outside of romantic relationships! Thank you for bequeathing us with such pearls of wisdom on the art of re-enchantment. May we all let go of our Joes and receive what’s relentlessly and deeply situated in front of us, may we all stretch our longings past our comfort zone.
Transitioning out of a 10 year career that made you feel dead inside is definitely a moment for grieving. The exact nature of it, I don't know, and it sounds like the job was a necessary/consciously chosen step in the LWs life, but that's a pretty big thing lurking in the back there.
As for the fantasy partnership? No matter how wonderful that person is, no matter how devoted you are to them and the high dream of what your life together could be: if you are someone who cares for yourself AT ALL there is inevitably a moment where suffering stops feeling romantic.
This is such a good point. As humans, we sometimes have things we allow ourselves to have Big Feels about (grieving an ex) and things we don't allow ourselves to have Big Feels about (grieving the 10 years we spent at the wrong job). The thing we're in the habit of feeling acts as an emotional release valve for the thing we're not in the habit of feeling.
I have done this a lot myself!
I appreciate LTC’s vulnerability here and (as always) Polly’s spot on advice. Recently, my ex spouse reached out to me after 5 years no contact and I realized I’d been holding on to a fantasy of sorts. I met my ex when I was young and in the years following the ending of our relationship, I’ve grown into myself and changed a lot. I think I had this fantasy that if/when we ever connected again, it would be this full circle, look at us we’ve grown and matured moment. Instead, I found myself ANNOYED, thinking who is this person? It wasn’t magical, it was weird, intrusive, and a bit delusional. As soon as the relationship was over, as devastated as I was, I didn’t want it back. But, I think I really wanted her to live up to this idea of someone in my head that she is not (and probably never was). I didn’t want it to be true that I got married too young, when I had no clue who I was, to someone who also didn’t know who they were! So, I had concocted this fantasy that one day we’d meet up again and it would make sense to me why we had been together in the first place. LOL fantasy bubble burst.
This is such a solid response. I have been here (minus the finding my person and marrying them). My "Joe" I haven't spoken to in several years, and he also has a baby with his longterm partner. I think the clearest most cutting reason I had for forcing myself to move on from fantasy land is that all the things he told you he couldn't be for you, he is happily for someone else. If he has a longterm partner and baby, and is half the person you described him to be at the outset, then you have to see clearly that you weren't it for him. That is a very tough pill to swallow when the fantasy of what was is soooo good and heightened.
I look back on my situationship with a guy like this from my past and honestly have never found a connection half as exciting/thrilling/connected. But despite all that we felt together (or maybe I honestly), the truth remains that he happily chose someone else to do life with.
I'm very glad that you did indeed find a loving husband (they are harder and harder to come by these days). Hoping you don't throw away a perfectly good and loving marriage over the fantasy of someone who never could or would give you what you need and deserve in a relationship.
The last thing I'll say is the desire/or not to have a baby with your husband. I understand this 1000% and it makes me think of Eva Mendes who always said she never wanted to have children, until she met Ryan Gosling, her now husband and father to her kids. That's a real idk...biological thing that you can't fake. It is saying something that you're questioning that desire with your kind, safe, loving husband, but felt it so clearly with Joe. I don't know what it's saying but definitely felt the same way about this guy from my past and have never felt that urge with anyone since.
Good luck to you!
WOW. I love this piece of writing. I love polly. I love you all readers. We are all struggling and we are loved at the same time. We all go through similar life challenges and we are here to learn to love each other while we learn to stand up tall. Peace and love to everyone. <3
Bravo! Bravo to the courageous display of vulnerability from the letter writer. Bravo to Heather for a spot on and compassionate and hopeful response. And bravo to the brilliant comments. How reassuring it is to read about situations that ring a bell with your own life, especially when you hold such an enormous amount of shame about them. And what a gift from Heather, and the comments section, to share both their own cringe moments and also a way out. Letter writer, I’ve been there too. Fantasy is such a powerful thing and provides such respite when we are hurting. And it’s also very painful to admit to ourselves that the fantasy IS NOT REAL, and to give up that strange security blanket. Heather’s right, the magic is inside the house, not out there waiting to be brought to the party by someone else. But it’s hard to get started on locating that magic when you are scared. I so get that. But I love the way Heather offered such a kind but measured, step by step way to start. And everything she said is true. And of course I still buy into a reassuring fantasy from time to time, but again and again as I grow I realise the fantasy was only getting in the way of me being happier. Good luck letter writer, you are actually much stronger and way more loveable than you think. X
Another layer is that our culture is so deeply phobic about our past romantic lives. Reminiscing about an old friend or coworker is fine, but sharing fondness for an old lover (especially one you weren't dating for that long and who didn't treat you well) is highly shamed. It's a recipe for madness and obsession for a certain personality type (mine very much included).
I feel 100% seen by this even though I’m not married (and not even in a relationship, lol). But I too have the habit of crushing on unavailable people. I also want to work for someone‘s love (but it doesn’t work that way, does it?)
At first I was ashamed to talk about these crushes, then I opened up and even started to enjoy them, knowing that nothing real would happen. They are the perfect replacement for real intimacy. But in the end I’m not doing me a favour in keeping them alive. I‘m going to think a lot about this answer and hopefully will apply some of its wisdom
Heather! Before reading this post I’m barging in to interrupt -like a Julio Torres cactus arriving late then immediately chiming in!
Your interview on _how to be a better human_
was a blast ! It sounded like you made the host blush too, because I’ve not heard his voice crack like that.
Thank you for writing as close as possible to truth as one can get- on motherhood friendship and relationships.
If you suddenly went silent, I would be very depressed-
though I wouldn’t be sobbing all by myself, because writers who drag the shadows out publicly in the most clever and entertaining ways save more lives than last night’s DJ and that shrink in Beverly Hills (You know the one!)
Your reflection on the family Disney vacation made me pee my pants, in public, during a date. He was probably a serial killer.
Your critique of Marky Mark Wahlberg’s Entourage ended my relationship. I have it memorized- your writing, not the zzz show. Relationship was killing me- just in time your words shook me awake.
And how did you know that I spend time with the dog and his slobbery toy instead of drowning in small talk over by the sweaty cheese? Just would’ve had diarrhea on that one, but thanks for the permission to play with the dog instead!
Bumper stickers on my car have your face floating in a big heart made of pens and typewriters cause you’re the coolest. Seriously, our world needs more HH.
This is the dictation application that never works properly but you translate well and for that too, I am grateful.
Sending this with love and signing with my pen name, Kathleen Kiddo
But wait!
Please don’t call this fanmail. Most of my experiences with “fans” reminded me to change the locks. Sociopathic or simply fickle, who knows!
Neither fits, but I’ve edited this post ninety-two times. I’m running out of time faster than my peers so I’ll keep it brief next time I leave any unsolicited reminders.
I hope you’ll consider accepting this off topic glow up as it is. A most sincere thank you, or a reminder:
Heather, your pen is a lightning bolt. ⚡️
I love Julio Torres so much
Bangerrr
In Red Pill spaces, this woman is called an "Alpha Widow". It means that she was once with the guy who gave her the maximum butterflies, who she wanted to have endless children with, who no other man will ever measure up to.
Men should avoid these women if you can spot them, because you will never be her first choice, you will always be the "runner up", and few men can handle that in the long run.
If you are this woman, please be Rose from the Titanic movie and *never ever tell your husband about this other guy*. Please take it to your grave. Most men will be devastated to know that you always secretly pine for the other guy.