Holy Fuuucckk Heather. I could have written you a letter very similar to Unprotected. I have friends and loves who have fallen away because they can’t bear to witness the things I have been through. I have felt too damaged, too weird, too dark and twisty, too willing to still embrace life and feel love to the depths of my soul despite it all. I have been told my love is too much. My courage to walk in the dark forrest of my life terrifies most people. So I find myself alone alone alone, again. Except for my rescue dog, Dozer, who is tooo much for most people and bulldozes a path through his life to get what he needs, but who embraces my fears and flaws as I embrace his. Your response was nothing short of a miracle. I’m so glad you exist and so glad you don’t speak in grammable sound bites. You are nothing short of amazing and today I will be sending beams of light to Unprotected because I know exactly how they feel and I will be building a new cathedral with sparkly spires right in the middle of the dark forrest that surrounds me. I will also be thanking each and every tree in that forrest for helping me to become exactly who I am, even if there are many who can’t stand to look. I am still beautiful in spite of the dark places that I have had to climb out of. And I will do my best to embrace normie people and make small talk about the peonies even though my soul dies a little bit each time I am forced to engage in small talk. You are right. We need these people as much as we need those people courageous enough to look and see all the parts of us including the scary parts and still love us anyway. Just thank you thank you thank you! Signed, Dark and Twisty Sparkly Unicorn Girl.
Dear sweet letter writer 💗 I want to hug every version and iteration of you. As a person with CPSTD from an abusive and neglectful childhood, your letter resonated with me so much. Your letter! What an absolute testament to your ability to grow and change and heal and love and live. You said you feel like you wasted decades, but you didn’t. Crawling through the muck, looking for salvation, that is life. You are breaking and healing generations long cycles. This is no small feat, and not something just anyone can do. And because of this: You should not feel shame for wanting to find new people. Sometimes the baggage is too much. Sometimes the people we are around don’t want to or are unable to grapple with all of our dimensions. It is never too late to make deep and meaningful friendships. Everyone is a little bit lonelier than you’d think. I am an over-sharer, which, sure, is a trauma response, but has also helped me identify people who aren’t going to be overwhelmed by my trauma, who aren’t going to want to keep it light and breezy 24/7. I’d look for those people. If you can’t find them in your community, move to a place you’ve always wanted to live and search for them there :)
You also seem to already know that a lot of the trauma lives in your body, which is why folks often hit a wall in talk therapy. I hope you’re able to explore to explore somatic experiencing or vasovagal work. Also hell yeah that you got inheritance, don’t feel an ounce of shame about that. Your parents weren’t able to give you love and security in most ways, but this is one way they did. Lean on that to continue your journey, which will never really end (but that’s a good thing). Sending love and light.
Adding - a phenomenal memoir on trauma, complex PTSD, and working to live a full life amidst all of ~that~ which I think may interest letter writer and Polly readers: What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo
Sending so much compassion to Unprotected for enduring so many hard things and having the courage to write this truth. May you continue to heal and grow and connect with kind, imperfect humans who affirm you are not alone. Thank you for your audacious advice, Polly, and the reminder that everything can be raw material for building an authentic and wholehearted life. Also, for the introduction to an amazing piece of music by FJM.
"True paradise means still feeling bouts of unexpected shame, but absolutely refusing to soak up the ambient shame in every room simply because people think that’s you’re job because you’re open and you tell the truth. You must learn to be firm, to say words out loud that are calm but not necessarily nice."
Thank you for your beautiful, pain-full letter. Such courage and bravery to write and send your story, your feelings, your truth.
I found a really gifted EMDR therapist who has helped me reprocess painful childhood experiences. It doesn’t erase them, yet they feel lighter. She helped me bring in a different person to those memories and rewrite the endings. Sometimes that person is adult me! Because I’m stronger and happier now, I can give that sad, lonely scared little boy (me) some love and true understanding—cause *I* *was* *there* at that bullying, that missed connection with my mom…
Just sharing something that helped me, in case you find it useful. They key is to find someone really good at EMDR.
BTW, for skeptics (like me :-) EMDR has solid evidence for its efficacy.
Another thought: when you are in a better place, feeling kinder towards yourself (it’s a long process!) I wonder if you might find a new, more intimate connection with your siblings? Only if they are able to become vulnerable, of course. The thing is, all three of you suffered from the same parents’ limitations and problems. They’re the only other people in the world who know those stories. If you *can* connect, it is amazing to be able to look at the family dynamics together from your different perspectives. I’m fortunate to be able to be real with my siblings now. I realize that’s not always an option. But remember that you have a lot of wisdom now about your family. With time, when it’s less sharply painful, your healing could be a gift to others.
I have no doubt you say this from a place of good intentions HOWEVER from what we have been told, her brother probably abused her sexually and definitely abused her verbally and emotionally. And has shown little remorse for any of this.
As a survivor of all of the above, who tried for decades to resolve and empathise with, forgive and connect with the violator - who never showed any genuine remorse but continued to inflict pain, tell lies and cause chaos over the years, often catastrophically unravelling all the progress I’d made in therapy, in other relationships, through my own sheer determination - I have to disagree with you.
For the last two years I have distanced myself completely, in an undramatic way, a quiet quitting really. It is one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself, I only wish I hadn’t waited for both parents (and many failed relationships) to die before doing so.
I am wholly aware that he and I are both victims but that does not mean I have to continue to have him as a destabilising force in my life.
Years I wasted colluding in the cognitive dissonance of a family that swept the abuse I went through under the carpet. Years I wasted abandoning myself so others would feel better, hoping I would feel better too for still having them in my life, when actually, I felt more alone then than I do now I choose who to have in my inner circle based on heart not blood.
My door is not completely closed but without sincere, proactive contrition from him, it will not open again. Ever. This is part of my audacity practice now. No more excuses for abusers, whatever they might have suffered that made them abuse.
Letter Writer owes nothing to her siblings in terms of helping them heal. I believe her mission now is to deprogram the fawning, people-pleasing and externally-focused patterns of behaviour, to learn to listen to what SHE needs to be in her own body and power, to connect deeply with herself, her purpose, with nature, pleasure and on her own terms, with others.
@Helena, I’m sorry to hear about your suffering, and I totally support your choice.
I could have gone into to more details about healthy boundaries etc., but I think what I did say covers it:
> Only if they are able to become vulnerable, of course.
By vulnerable, I mean all the things you mention.
What I’m sad about is the number of people who seem to be cutting off “toxic” family members without giving the situation time to cool off, to reach out from a strong, grounded place of compassion and curiosity, which might enable the other to let go of their defensiveness or reactivity. WITH BOUNDARIES! If the other continues to be abusive, then absolutely, we don’t need to be around them. We can still hold them in our hearts with compassion and sadness for how wounded and broken they are, along with our legitimate hurt, sadness, and anger.
Then our job is to process the anger till we are free of it. Holding onto long-term anger becomes resentment. As someone said, “Resentment is taking poison and hoping the OTHER person will die.” Resentment corrodes our own wellbeing, happiness, health.
Thank you Letter Writer. I would read your memoir. You’ve inspired me to try to write my own. And thank you, Heather. Your writing got me through some very difficult times and I turned away from it because your story seems to have the ending I wish mine had. And a piece like this resonates because now I can see I have the grief and not the shame anymore. So maybe I *can* heal. Am healing :)
To the writer - I seriously implore you to look up Matt Kahn's early work on You Tube and his book Whatever Arises, Love That. This work is designed to help relax your nervous system and help your body feel safe through learning to love yourself. I've seen him use this technique on clients who have been seriously traumatized. It dovetails nicely with Polly's advice here and would give you a base of support as you go out there and be brave. You've been so brave already just in making the decision to heal. Please give yourself credit for that.
have had a dreary couple of weeks, but this morning I drank a free, delicious espresso that my friend made me, read this column, and then blasted Mahashmashana in my car as many times as possible throughout the day. god i love driving to a 9 minute anthem & getting a little sweaty with caffeine
Beautifully exquisite heartfelt honest response that honors all of life; the chaos, the mess, the dirt, the beauty, the music, the pain, the mundane and the sublime, the reality and the mystery, the fear, the judgement and the love. You are such a gifted writer. In awe.
Holy Fuuucckk Heather. I could have written you a letter very similar to Unprotected. I have friends and loves who have fallen away because they can’t bear to witness the things I have been through. I have felt too damaged, too weird, too dark and twisty, too willing to still embrace life and feel love to the depths of my soul despite it all. I have been told my love is too much. My courage to walk in the dark forrest of my life terrifies most people. So I find myself alone alone alone, again. Except for my rescue dog, Dozer, who is tooo much for most people and bulldozes a path through his life to get what he needs, but who embraces my fears and flaws as I embrace his. Your response was nothing short of a miracle. I’m so glad you exist and so glad you don’t speak in grammable sound bites. You are nothing short of amazing and today I will be sending beams of light to Unprotected because I know exactly how they feel and I will be building a new cathedral with sparkly spires right in the middle of the dark forrest that surrounds me. I will also be thanking each and every tree in that forrest for helping me to become exactly who I am, even if there are many who can’t stand to look. I am still beautiful in spite of the dark places that I have had to climb out of. And I will do my best to embrace normie people and make small talk about the peonies even though my soul dies a little bit each time I am forced to engage in small talk. You are right. We need these people as much as we need those people courageous enough to look and see all the parts of us including the scary parts and still love us anyway. Just thank you thank you thank you! Signed, Dark and Twisty Sparkly Unicorn Girl.
Dear sweet letter writer 💗 I want to hug every version and iteration of you. As a person with CPSTD from an abusive and neglectful childhood, your letter resonated with me so much. Your letter! What an absolute testament to your ability to grow and change and heal and love and live. You said you feel like you wasted decades, but you didn’t. Crawling through the muck, looking for salvation, that is life. You are breaking and healing generations long cycles. This is no small feat, and not something just anyone can do. And because of this: You should not feel shame for wanting to find new people. Sometimes the baggage is too much. Sometimes the people we are around don’t want to or are unable to grapple with all of our dimensions. It is never too late to make deep and meaningful friendships. Everyone is a little bit lonelier than you’d think. I am an over-sharer, which, sure, is a trauma response, but has also helped me identify people who aren’t going to be overwhelmed by my trauma, who aren’t going to want to keep it light and breezy 24/7. I’d look for those people. If you can’t find them in your community, move to a place you’ve always wanted to live and search for them there :)
You also seem to already know that a lot of the trauma lives in your body, which is why folks often hit a wall in talk therapy. I hope you’re able to explore to explore somatic experiencing or vasovagal work. Also hell yeah that you got inheritance, don’t feel an ounce of shame about that. Your parents weren’t able to give you love and security in most ways, but this is one way they did. Lean on that to continue your journey, which will never really end (but that’s a good thing). Sending love and light.
Beautifully spoken.💕
Adding - a phenomenal memoir on trauma, complex PTSD, and working to live a full life amidst all of ~that~ which I think may interest letter writer and Polly readers: What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo
Sending so much compassion to Unprotected for enduring so many hard things and having the courage to write this truth. May you continue to heal and grow and connect with kind, imperfect humans who affirm you are not alone. Thank you for your audacious advice, Polly, and the reminder that everything can be raw material for building an authentic and wholehearted life. Also, for the introduction to an amazing piece of music by FJM.
Your words are so freaking right on.
"True paradise means still feeling bouts of unexpected shame, but absolutely refusing to soak up the ambient shame in every room simply because people think that’s you’re job because you’re open and you tell the truth. You must learn to be firm, to say words out loud that are calm but not necessarily nice."
I feel like I'm going to be referring back to this one for a long time to come.
Dearest Unprotected—
Thank you for your beautiful, pain-full letter. Such courage and bravery to write and send your story, your feelings, your truth.
I found a really gifted EMDR therapist who has helped me reprocess painful childhood experiences. It doesn’t erase them, yet they feel lighter. She helped me bring in a different person to those memories and rewrite the endings. Sometimes that person is adult me! Because I’m stronger and happier now, I can give that sad, lonely scared little boy (me) some love and true understanding—cause *I* *was* *there* at that bullying, that missed connection with my mom…
Just sharing something that helped me, in case you find it useful. They key is to find someone really good at EMDR.
BTW, for skeptics (like me :-) EMDR has solid evidence for its efficacy.
Peace and power to you.
Another thought: when you are in a better place, feeling kinder towards yourself (it’s a long process!) I wonder if you might find a new, more intimate connection with your siblings? Only if they are able to become vulnerable, of course. The thing is, all three of you suffered from the same parents’ limitations and problems. They’re the only other people in the world who know those stories. If you *can* connect, it is amazing to be able to look at the family dynamics together from your different perspectives. I’m fortunate to be able to be real with my siblings now. I realize that’s not always an option. But remember that you have a lot of wisdom now about your family. With time, when it’s less sharply painful, your healing could be a gift to others.
I have no doubt you say this from a place of good intentions HOWEVER from what we have been told, her brother probably abused her sexually and definitely abused her verbally and emotionally. And has shown little remorse for any of this.
As a survivor of all of the above, who tried for decades to resolve and empathise with, forgive and connect with the violator - who never showed any genuine remorse but continued to inflict pain, tell lies and cause chaos over the years, often catastrophically unravelling all the progress I’d made in therapy, in other relationships, through my own sheer determination - I have to disagree with you.
For the last two years I have distanced myself completely, in an undramatic way, a quiet quitting really. It is one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself, I only wish I hadn’t waited for both parents (and many failed relationships) to die before doing so.
I am wholly aware that he and I are both victims but that does not mean I have to continue to have him as a destabilising force in my life.
Years I wasted colluding in the cognitive dissonance of a family that swept the abuse I went through under the carpet. Years I wasted abandoning myself so others would feel better, hoping I would feel better too for still having them in my life, when actually, I felt more alone then than I do now I choose who to have in my inner circle based on heart not blood.
My door is not completely closed but without sincere, proactive contrition from him, it will not open again. Ever. This is part of my audacity practice now. No more excuses for abusers, whatever they might have suffered that made them abuse.
Letter Writer owes nothing to her siblings in terms of helping them heal. I believe her mission now is to deprogram the fawning, people-pleasing and externally-focused patterns of behaviour, to learn to listen to what SHE needs to be in her own body and power, to connect deeply with herself, her purpose, with nature, pleasure and on her own terms, with others.
@Helena, I’m sorry to hear about your suffering, and I totally support your choice.
I could have gone into to more details about healthy boundaries etc., but I think what I did say covers it:
> Only if they are able to become vulnerable, of course.
By vulnerable, I mean all the things you mention.
What I’m sad about is the number of people who seem to be cutting off “toxic” family members without giving the situation time to cool off, to reach out from a strong, grounded place of compassion and curiosity, which might enable the other to let go of their defensiveness or reactivity. WITH BOUNDARIES! If the other continues to be abusive, then absolutely, we don’t need to be around them. We can still hold them in our hearts with compassion and sadness for how wounded and broken they are, along with our legitimate hurt, sadness, and anger.
Then our job is to process the anger till we are free of it. Holding onto long-term anger becomes resentment. As someone said, “Resentment is taking poison and hoping the OTHER person will die.” Resentment corrodes our own wellbeing, happiness, health.
I wish you well.
Thank you Letter Writer. I would read your memoir. You’ve inspired me to try to write my own. And thank you, Heather. Your writing got me through some very difficult times and I turned away from it because your story seems to have the ending I wish mine had. And a piece like this resonates because now I can see I have the grief and not the shame anymore. So maybe I *can* heal. Am healing :)
Reading your response compelled me to subscribe.
Thank you, Saundra!
"Show up and crawl, period."
YES. Yes yes yes yes. All the best things in my life are from when I found a way to show up and crawl.
To the writer - I seriously implore you to look up Matt Kahn's early work on You Tube and his book Whatever Arises, Love That. This work is designed to help relax your nervous system and help your body feel safe through learning to love yourself. I've seen him use this technique on clients who have been seriously traumatized. It dovetails nicely with Polly's advice here and would give you a base of support as you go out there and be brave. You've been so brave already just in making the decision to heal. Please give yourself credit for that.
Making the connection between the un-healing struggle to heal and perfectionism is crucial. This is the first time I see it clearly.
have had a dreary couple of weeks, but this morning I drank a free, delicious espresso that my friend made me, read this column, and then blasted Mahashmashana in my car as many times as possible throughout the day. god i love driving to a 9 minute anthem & getting a little sweaty with caffeine
Currently can't stop listening to that song. No other song will do!
Holy shit this is sensational
Beautifully exquisite heartfelt honest response that honors all of life; the chaos, the mess, the dirt, the beauty, the music, the pain, the mundane and the sublime, the reality and the mystery, the fear, the judgement and the love. You are such a gifted writer. In awe.
this is one of my fave letters. thank you.
Holy GOD. I didn’t know I needed to read this so much until I did. Thank you for writing and thank you letter writer for the same! Beautiful.