What a heartfelt, open and real response to a stranger in immense emotional pain. Thanks for giving her the compassionate space, Polly. For giving everyone that space.
In the depths of my own grief, I could feel this in my interactions when I tried to share my heart:
'And when someone says to them, “Something terrible has happened to me!” they don’t say, “Jesus, I am so sorry, how can I be a comfort to you?” They say nothing, and what they think is, “What did you do wrong? How can I avoid that outcome myself? How do I get out of this conversation?”'
Even from my closest friends, even from people I paid to listen. This was the sentiment.
There is a special kind of pain that comes from miscarriages, one that is magnified by the cultural response that this isn't the same kind of death and doesn't warrant the same kind of grief as losing a "living" human.
Part of you dies when you lose a baby at any stage of pregnancy, and it keeps getting worse when you realize that the "rainbow baby" isn't coming. Your life as Mother isn't coming. Your heart dies then. The feminine in you. The trust in your body. The belief in the goodness of the universe. The connection to a woman's cycles of life. The ability to even be around other mothers. All of it dies.
Gone is the life you dreamed for yourself, the purpose you thought you might fulfill. And no one understands how broken you feel. And to even suggest that this special kind of grief is comparable to sadness over the election or other types of loss feels like a slap in the face.
The grief moves, but slowly. As it moves new layers of pain surface to be faced: Guilt. Anger. Even anger toward the babies, though you know this is wrong, which fuels even more guilt. But ultimately, the anger is worst towards yourself. Your body. The universe. This deep rage cuts off the movement of grief again. So back to the beginning you go. Back to that pain no one understands.
Most people can't be with this kind of pain. They need to tell stories that everything happens for a reason, or immediately soothe you by saying horribly hurtful things like, "kids are hard - you'll enjoy your freedom!"
But there are people who understand, and like Polly says, I hope the woman who wrote this finds them. This grief needs witnessing. You need to be held while you wail and scream and thrash and rage. You need to be circled by sisters who know that your grief is sacred, and moving it is sacred work done by strong women with strong women.
Our culture buries all grief, but the grief of miscarriage perhaps most of all. Being seen and honored for your ability to be with this level of pain is vital to the healing. You are brave. You are
strong. You are embodying the range of what it is to be a woman, in spite of what the patriarchy tells us the maiden-mother-crone journey should look like. You are doing sacred work as you tend your grief. You are birthing a new you into in to this world, and this life that is yours is no less challenging or beautiful than any life.
Thank you Juniper, I'm not the LW, but you've captured my experience beautifully, sparing me the pain of grasping for the words myself. I feel a little less alone, although ultimately it is impossible for for our inner worlds to be truly shared. Nevertheless, as HH said, trying matters🩷
God, I needed this today. I can’t stop crying, for Ukraine, climate change, immigrant lives, trans lives, all the marginalized lives. For young girls, who now know that no matter how smart, organized and together they are - they will still lose to the loudest man in the room. We will make it through 4 years, but I’m frightened of what our democratic process will look like when it’s over; with more conservative judges on the bench, more billionaires in power, more banned books. It’s a rough, rough day.
That is an overwhelming amount of grief. It's not something to stuff away or be stoic about. To travel through grief and anger is to come out the other side as whole as possible. Reaching out and leaning into others is our joint humanity. Recovering from grief is slow and complicated. Allow yourself that room. Another hand for you.....
This response from Polly is much needed for many today. It's universal in its comfort.
This was an extraordinary response to someone in such deep pain. I understand, too. This was precisely what I needed to read this morning. You said things I could feel in my bones, the things I felt when I had lost so much in a short time. It brought back memories of that deep, suffocating pain, not knowing how I could take the next breath, and yet, in light of the seeming impossibility of it, there came a better day. After you've walked through the fire and what feels like literal hell, the worst things a person can imagine going through, and then you come out the other side, well, it does something to you. As I've been told by doctors who are much more trained and intelligent about these things, some people do not make it, do not thrive again, and do not recapture something to truly live a decent, even happy, at times, stable life. These people give up and start slipping downward, slowly, primarily invisible to those around them, and then sometimes, suddenly, quickly, and it's out of control. Then some somehow hang in and, for whatever reason, recover and live to fight another day, and they thrive again. I would be remiss if I didn't mention these weighty things that didn't happen just once to me but twice. That is why the professionals who understand these things wanted me to know that it is something to be aware of, as not everyone can return. I didn't give up then, and I will be damned if I will give up now that we are all in shock and grief. I've done this before, and knowing I can survive, I will do it again. I understand that all of you who are confused, angry, and hurting right now will be around for one another and can give love, a hand, community, and understanding, and we will move forward and make it out the other side
This is my favorite Ask Polly response of all time. I have been wanting to say "fuck off" to everyone today and just vehemently destroy everything around me (I won't!! But I just feel so angry). I felt like this for a long, long time after my Dad died suddenly 6 years ago and I still do from time to time. But what I wanted more than anything other than having my dad back is exactly what's described here - for ppl to sit next to me and listen and really be with me in my hardest moments. I'm still searching for that IRL and yet, I find it here ❤️. LW, I am feeling with you and sending you so much love. Polly, too, all the readers, the world. I don't know what's next but I'm willing to imperfectly try to connect with the world and the beings in it. Thank you so much for this.
I’m so sorry for your loss, HMH. What an absolute shit time you’re going through. I lost my mom when I was a kid. I still miss her every day. This is a brutal loss. My heart goes out to you ❤️
LW, I also had three miscarriages in one year. I can't imagine how hard it must be to deal with these while also losing your father. For me, the fact that I might not be able to create my own family but being close (aging parents) to losing the family that I have now scares the shit out of me. Big massive hug. Hope you can ride this storm, trooper.
LW, here's my hand along with everyone else's. Not that I fully understand; my wife had a miscarriage 27 years ago, I didn't really understand then, and I still don't, only women can. All I could do was be there. Hugs were necessary but not sufficient. But I know grief from other directions, so here's my hand. If I was there with you, I'd get some shopping in & cook you some hot food. You & Polly.
The most perfect response. Dear LW, I have a daughter and am pregnant with my second child, but I still mourn a lost pregnancy from almost ten years ago. Something which sincerely helped me was engaging a healer to hold a private ritual with me where my grief was acknowledged and I performed a kind of release for the pain: I did in on zoom in the pandemic, I remember weeping bitterly for a long time, but also I so appreciated the space bring held for me as 'a mother without a baby'. I would recommend something similar if it sounds like it might work for you. Much love x.
No better day than today for this. Thank you. Here is my hand, everyone. ❤️
ALL OF YOU - GIVE ME YOUR HANDS 🥹❤️
What a heartfelt, open and real response to a stranger in immense emotional pain. Thanks for giving her the compassionate space, Polly. For giving everyone that space.
Yeah, it applies widely.
Exactly what I (we) needed to read today. Thank you.
It's not fair. I'm so sorry.
In the depths of my own grief, I could feel this in my interactions when I tried to share my heart:
'And when someone says to them, “Something terrible has happened to me!” they don’t say, “Jesus, I am so sorry, how can I be a comfort to you?” They say nothing, and what they think is, “What did you do wrong? How can I avoid that outcome myself? How do I get out of this conversation?”'
Even from my closest friends, even from people I paid to listen. This was the sentiment.
There is a special kind of pain that comes from miscarriages, one that is magnified by the cultural response that this isn't the same kind of death and doesn't warrant the same kind of grief as losing a "living" human.
Part of you dies when you lose a baby at any stage of pregnancy, and it keeps getting worse when you realize that the "rainbow baby" isn't coming. Your life as Mother isn't coming. Your heart dies then. The feminine in you. The trust in your body. The belief in the goodness of the universe. The connection to a woman's cycles of life. The ability to even be around other mothers. All of it dies.
Gone is the life you dreamed for yourself, the purpose you thought you might fulfill. And no one understands how broken you feel. And to even suggest that this special kind of grief is comparable to sadness over the election or other types of loss feels like a slap in the face.
The grief moves, but slowly. As it moves new layers of pain surface to be faced: Guilt. Anger. Even anger toward the babies, though you know this is wrong, which fuels even more guilt. But ultimately, the anger is worst towards yourself. Your body. The universe. This deep rage cuts off the movement of grief again. So back to the beginning you go. Back to that pain no one understands.
Most people can't be with this kind of pain. They need to tell stories that everything happens for a reason, or immediately soothe you by saying horribly hurtful things like, "kids are hard - you'll enjoy your freedom!"
But there are people who understand, and like Polly says, I hope the woman who wrote this finds them. This grief needs witnessing. You need to be held while you wail and scream and thrash and rage. You need to be circled by sisters who know that your grief is sacred, and moving it is sacred work done by strong women with strong women.
Our culture buries all grief, but the grief of miscarriage perhaps most of all. Being seen and honored for your ability to be with this level of pain is vital to the healing. You are brave. You are
strong. You are embodying the range of what it is to be a woman, in spite of what the patriarchy tells us the maiden-mother-crone journey should look like. You are doing sacred work as you tend your grief. You are birthing a new you into in to this world, and this life that is yours is no less challenging or beautiful than any life.
Thank you Juniper, I'm not the LW, but you've captured my experience beautifully, sparing me the pain of grasping for the words myself. I feel a little less alone, although ultimately it is impossible for for our inner worlds to be truly shared. Nevertheless, as HH said, trying matters🩷
God, I needed this today. I can’t stop crying, for Ukraine, climate change, immigrant lives, trans lives, all the marginalized lives. For young girls, who now know that no matter how smart, organized and together they are - they will still lose to the loudest man in the room. We will make it through 4 years, but I’m frightened of what our democratic process will look like when it’s over; with more conservative judges on the bench, more billionaires in power, more banned books. It’s a rough, rough day.
I'm with you, Kat
That is an overwhelming amount of grief. It's not something to stuff away or be stoic about. To travel through grief and anger is to come out the other side as whole as possible. Reaching out and leaning into others is our joint humanity. Recovering from grief is slow and complicated. Allow yourself that room. Another hand for you.....
This response from Polly is much needed for many today. It's universal in its comfort.
My small act of hope on this dark day was to FINALLY get around to taking out a paid subscription to you, Polly.
Because I love you and what you stand for.
Watching the news down here in Australia, one feels powerless.
But when I think "Americans are %$%&ed" I remember, no, they are not...some, like you and your readers, are amazing.
And a lot of others are disillusioned and Trump represents, to them, hope for a better future.
Thank you for what you put into the world xx
This was an extraordinary response to someone in such deep pain. I understand, too. This was precisely what I needed to read this morning. You said things I could feel in my bones, the things I felt when I had lost so much in a short time. It brought back memories of that deep, suffocating pain, not knowing how I could take the next breath, and yet, in light of the seeming impossibility of it, there came a better day. After you've walked through the fire and what feels like literal hell, the worst things a person can imagine going through, and then you come out the other side, well, it does something to you. As I've been told by doctors who are much more trained and intelligent about these things, some people do not make it, do not thrive again, and do not recapture something to truly live a decent, even happy, at times, stable life. These people give up and start slipping downward, slowly, primarily invisible to those around them, and then sometimes, suddenly, quickly, and it's out of control. Then some somehow hang in and, for whatever reason, recover and live to fight another day, and they thrive again. I would be remiss if I didn't mention these weighty things that didn't happen just once to me but twice. That is why the professionals who understand these things wanted me to know that it is something to be aware of, as not everyone can return. I didn't give up then, and I will be damned if I will give up now that we are all in shock and grief. I've done this before, and knowing I can survive, I will do it again. I understand that all of you who are confused, angry, and hurting right now will be around for one another and can give love, a hand, community, and understanding, and we will move forward and make it out the other side
This is my favorite Ask Polly response of all time. I have been wanting to say "fuck off" to everyone today and just vehemently destroy everything around me (I won't!! But I just feel so angry). I felt like this for a long, long time after my Dad died suddenly 6 years ago and I still do from time to time. But what I wanted more than anything other than having my dad back is exactly what's described here - for ppl to sit next to me and listen and really be with me in my hardest moments. I'm still searching for that IRL and yet, I find it here ❤️. LW, I am feeling with you and sending you so much love. Polly, too, all the readers, the world. I don't know what's next but I'm willing to imperfectly try to connect with the world and the beings in it. Thank you so much for this.
💖❤️🔥
Thank you for this. My mom died a few days ago so I was already feeling so lost and low....now this. Devastating. My heart is with all of yours.
I’m so sorry for your loss, HMH. What an absolute shit time you’re going through. I lost my mom when I was a kid. I still miss her every day. This is a brutal loss. My heart goes out to you ❤️
Thanks so much, Ella. Your compassion helps me feel a bit lighter. I'm so sorry you lost your mom, too.
I am so sorry
LW, I also had three miscarriages in one year. I can't imagine how hard it must be to deal with these while also losing your father. For me, the fact that I might not be able to create my own family but being close (aging parents) to losing the family that I have now scares the shit out of me. Big massive hug. Hope you can ride this storm, trooper.
💗💕
Not me crying my pregnant ass off
LW, here's my hand along with everyone else's. Not that I fully understand; my wife had a miscarriage 27 years ago, I didn't really understand then, and I still don't, only women can. All I could do was be there. Hugs were necessary but not sufficient. But I know grief from other directions, so here's my hand. If I was there with you, I'd get some shopping in & cook you some hot food. You & Polly.
The most perfect response. Dear LW, I have a daughter and am pregnant with my second child, but I still mourn a lost pregnancy from almost ten years ago. Something which sincerely helped me was engaging a healer to hold a private ritual with me where my grief was acknowledged and I performed a kind of release for the pain: I did in on zoom in the pandemic, I remember weeping bitterly for a long time, but also I so appreciated the space bring held for me as 'a mother without a baby'. I would recommend something similar if it sounds like it might work for you. Much love x.
Lots of love to you all and my hand on the stack. Thank you Polly, we need your wisdom today, more than ever.