I truly mean this in a loving and not dismissive way, but I swear something happens between your early and late twenties that causes this type of thinking to just start to go away. Not to say it doesn't take some work but I used to be so caught up in this exact tangle, "wait, I used to be the smartest most precocious person in the room, and now I feel like I'm just like everyone else, and I don't know what makes me me anymore, I haven't spent time working on or growing anything I care about, it all used to come so easily and now I feel like I'm in a pit of quicksand and I'm doing nothing meaningful because I'm not as effortlessly talented as I thought and I suddenly need to do everything all at once to get my worthiness back!" Getting closer to 30, I feel more like... "I'm so lucky to be alive! What is it I want to do today? Let's do that, and enjoy it, and appreciate everything around me and the ways I've cared for myself! I'm stressed about XYZ, but I believe I can handle it and there are still all these other things to be excited about too." I think it's partly just realizing that specialness/=worth. Starting to learn what worth truly is and how you find it in yourself, by building trust with yourself and making decisions that are for your deepest good/authenticity. I wish I could give TIMTQ a hug and Polly's advice is great. You just have to go through this struggle to realize how little what other people think of you/expect of you/want for you truly matters and how crucial it is to learn to enjoy the everyday experience of being yourself and honor who you are and what you most deeply want.
I saw something earlier that said “slowly is the fastest way to get where you wanna go” then I wrote that in my journal a bunch of times then I immediately read this letter. I’ve been feeling a manic need to achieve lots of impressive stuff this year and I’m realizing it’s my anxiety about getting older (which is hilarious reading this letter bc I’m the dreaded awful age- 40!!) LW, I’m sending you so much love and peace. It’s really hard growing up in a family where you have to be exceptional all the time.
I was the young person who finished university at 20 and (smugly) overachieved. I’m doing post grad at 32 and feel so behind but also know this position doesn’t align with my values anymore. You can tell that something is wrong when the idea of experimentation terrifies you. I held onto everything with white knuckles back then.
I love that you’re brave enough to explore other countries and even to lie (I found this too scary because I outsourced my sense of worth and would never risk the disapproval).
We all end up in this spot in one way or another over and over, I guess the only thing that changes is how we embrace it.
This was crazy to read because I had the exact same feeling after turning 24, even up to the point about music and creativity! But so much can happen in a year, and your advice here hits the nail on the head.
Things that helped me: Practicing gratitude. Waking up every day thankful for being alive, for getting through all of the shit from the past. Stop comparing, delete social media apps if necessary. More time to be creative. And most importantly, don’t wait for things to be perfect or to be wonderfully skilled at something to do it - just go for it! Be messy.
My goal is to be willing to do a shitty job at things that I want to do. Otherwise I get stuck on how it won't be perfect, and then nothing happens. Avoiding doing is so much safer than risking disappointment, or (horrors!) disappointing someone else.
Also, editing (or whatever appropriate post-creation form of adjustment) is so much easier than the blank slate. Just being willing to do a shitty job makes life a lot more fun than having to "do your best" all the fucking time. Because no one is at their best all the time. What does that even mean??
OK, if "do your best" means "try as hard as you can manage *right now*" then maybe... But why not be kind/realistic and just say/think, "Do what I can manage right now, because right now I am what I am -- right now." At any given moment, we can't be better than we actually are at that moment. So what? Reality is your friend -- accepting the simple truth that we're not in control of everything, so do whatever works, not what "should" work.
Okay okay okay. I'm going to read this every morning from now on. No. wait. I'm going to edit it just a bit to match the details of MY life and then I'm going to read it aloud over voice recorder and THEN I'm going to LISTEN to MYSELF saying it every morning from now on. Is that creepy? I think I'm beyond caring. It feels like it could work. Thank you thank you thank you for everything, HH. You are the BEST.
Please all young people, it is good to get older. One learns gratitude, patience and compassion (if this missing in your person) through loss, lessons, regret and appreciation. Be grateful for what you have and learn to serve others. Find faith. Find balance, be nice to your parents, understanding and forgiving at least. Find joy and forgiveness. Dance, exercise, study. Live!!
"When you commit to honesty and commit to slowing down and savoring the luxury of being alive as much as you can, when you commit to drinking in knowledge and embracing beauty and delighting in the unpredictable weirdos around you, you will be misunderstood regularly. "
Ugh. I need line imprinted somewhere in the interiors of my eyes so I can remind myself of this everywhere I go. Being misunderstood is inevitable, and yet I still crave being understood so much. SO MUCH. And I think this is why so many people are so afraid of slowing down and being honest with themselves, afraid of showing the people around them who they authentically are. Because the moment who we really are is revealed, there is this impending fear not just for being misunderstood, but then for being abandoned.
Okay this is irritating advice, but I used to be very, very focused on being understood. I slowly worked to put that energy into my creative work and into my most trusted relationships instead of focusing on *winning people over*, which was really a strange, depleting fixation of mine for years. And the more I worked to understand myself while allowing other people to just live their own lives and either approach with curiosity or circumnavigate me entirely, the more confident and relaxed and productive I became.
And many relationships improved, because I wasn't always wrapped up in what wasn't working. When you're curious about other people without evaluating yourself or how you come across, other people tend to be more curious about you, too. Even though we live in a rough world full of incurious people, it's easier to recognize the curious ones when you're not grappling with a puzzle made out of shame around the clock. Clarify to yourself who you are and what you love and proceed with calm curiosity, gratitude, and an open heart.
Easier said than done, of course. There's just this very crucial moment when you stop yourself from working too hard for approval, and stop yourself from evaluating your behavior socially, etc. You just STOP and let people think what they think, and that becomes your habit, and... you feel free for a change. You're not some incredible confident perfect human, you just know how to block those old destructive cognitive habits, which frees you up to focus on gratitude, fun, and connection.
Likewise, once you stop *abandoning yourself* when you're misunderstood -- disapproving of yourself, scolding yourself, feeling ashamed -- you won't fear abandonment as much. It will still sting, but it won't be the earth-shattering, I Am Doomed to Fail Because I'm Not Good Enough type of experience that crushes you.
People misunderstand each other all the time. It's normal for other people not to get it. Your focus needs to be on your own unique path to feeling expansive and calm. Sending you a big hug.
Jan 3, 2023·edited Jan 3, 2023Liked by Heather Havrilesky
Hey letter writer!
When I read your letter, I immediately had to think about the Berlin music icon Christiane Rösinger. She is wonderful, has been making music for decades and I think her songs might be just right for your current state of mind.
"Sinnlos" is about how nothing matters (in a good and bad way), and "Geheime Gesellschaft" is about the secret society of anxious/melancholic people. It sounds a bit weird when I type it out, but believe me, she is great!
She's also touring with the "legends of entertainment" and their show is one of the most uplifting and fun experiences I've had in a while, so a huge recommendation for that too.
Bussis from Vienna and all the best from somebody who started to study in her late 20s and was really stressed out by that before realising noone cares! :)
i felt the same when I was 23-24, sometimes anxious to the point where i woke up at 3 a.m. in a panic because i wasn't achieving. it is crazy now in retrospect. Of course I had a lot of outside pressures (parents not supportive of what I was doing as a freelancer), friends who were in steady jobs with better pay. But I wish someone could've told me then, it's okay. go slow. this is perfect for the moment because you're living things out in a way that no one could have predicted for you. as long as you're doing something that aligns with a personal goal, who cares how the outside world sees it? age helps with this anxiety btw.
This is going to sound morbid, and may not be relevant, but it’s something that shifted things for me when I was in that stage of development: when you’re in your 20s, you typically haven’t experienced death and grief on the level of people who are 30+. You think you have time, and you imagine you’ll spend that time achieving things. Then you lose a friend suddenly in a freak accident, or a family member not so suddenly to slow cancer, and you start to ask yourself: if this is all we get, if some of us turn 24 but never get to turn 25, what do I want out of life? This way of thinking landed me, after experiencing great loss, in exactly the place Polly/Heather describes. Of wanting to savor rather than be seen as superior. Of wanting to know yourself and others deeply, rather than image-manage your way into some fleeting sense of being admired for half-truths and bluster. And of wanting to be of service to the world in some way, as my authentic self. Helping others is not something mentioned above, and is kind of it’s own kind of drug if you overdo it, but it’s a great way to get out of your own head and stop overthinking how you’re spending your time. Just my $0.02. Hang in there.
Went back to do a Masters at 35. I won't be done until I'm 37. And I'm just so grateful I recognised what it is I cared about at this point in my life and can persue it. Many years of slowing down and listening to myself are what got me here. I hope for LW she can start to connect with herself more. So freaking hard with controlling parents and sensitive brain.
LW, annoying advice, but you’re really almost there. Being 24 in the global West is a uniquely universal experience!
I had similar panics when I was 24, especially resonating with no longer being “gifted for your age.” I was always, always the youngest amongst my friends and coworkers and liked being mature and talented. I’m now facing my peers as the “sage” (which always makes me lol) because I’m 27 attending the first year of my university program, surrounded by teenagers and young-20s who also think their life is about to wrap up. I will graduate at 31 at the earliest, but likely 32 or 33.
You can’t change the years that have gone by without as much language and music and education as you now want to, and I can’t go back and get two degrees instead of starting school just now. But you now want to! Make a friend who speaks French and treat them to a glass of wine (or two, it helps the accent come out). Use Alex G on repeat to get yourself into such a zone that music pours out of you. Focus on your studies and be proud of yourself. Don’t become immobilized by the past just to perpetuate the cycle
This was such a good one; I wish I'd had it to read when I was 24. I'm glad I'm working from home instead of at the office today because when I read the paragraph that starts "Some piece of that work involves disappointing other people" I started sobbing - that is so true and I have to remind myself of that ALL the time, all the time, all the time
I truly mean this in a loving and not dismissive way, but I swear something happens between your early and late twenties that causes this type of thinking to just start to go away. Not to say it doesn't take some work but I used to be so caught up in this exact tangle, "wait, I used to be the smartest most precocious person in the room, and now I feel like I'm just like everyone else, and I don't know what makes me me anymore, I haven't spent time working on or growing anything I care about, it all used to come so easily and now I feel like I'm in a pit of quicksand and I'm doing nothing meaningful because I'm not as effortlessly talented as I thought and I suddenly need to do everything all at once to get my worthiness back!" Getting closer to 30, I feel more like... "I'm so lucky to be alive! What is it I want to do today? Let's do that, and enjoy it, and appreciate everything around me and the ways I've cared for myself! I'm stressed about XYZ, but I believe I can handle it and there are still all these other things to be excited about too." I think it's partly just realizing that specialness/=worth. Starting to learn what worth truly is and how you find it in yourself, by building trust with yourself and making decisions that are for your deepest good/authenticity. I wish I could give TIMTQ a hug and Polly's advice is great. You just have to go through this struggle to realize how little what other people think of you/expect of you/want for you truly matters and how crucial it is to learn to enjoy the everyday experience of being yourself and honor who you are and what you most deeply want.
I saw something earlier that said “slowly is the fastest way to get where you wanna go” then I wrote that in my journal a bunch of times then I immediately read this letter. I’ve been feeling a manic need to achieve lots of impressive stuff this year and I’m realizing it’s my anxiety about getting older (which is hilarious reading this letter bc I’m the dreaded awful age- 40!!) LW, I’m sending you so much love and peace. It’s really hard growing up in a family where you have to be exceptional all the time.
I love this saying!
I was the young person who finished university at 20 and (smugly) overachieved. I’m doing post grad at 32 and feel so behind but also know this position doesn’t align with my values anymore. You can tell that something is wrong when the idea of experimentation terrifies you. I held onto everything with white knuckles back then.
I love that you’re brave enough to explore other countries and even to lie (I found this too scary because I outsourced my sense of worth and would never risk the disapproval).
We all end up in this spot in one way or another over and over, I guess the only thing that changes is how we embrace it.
This was crazy to read because I had the exact same feeling after turning 24, even up to the point about music and creativity! But so much can happen in a year, and your advice here hits the nail on the head.
Things that helped me: Practicing gratitude. Waking up every day thankful for being alive, for getting through all of the shit from the past. Stop comparing, delete social media apps if necessary. More time to be creative. And most importantly, don’t wait for things to be perfect or to be wonderfully skilled at something to do it - just go for it! Be messy.
My goal is to be willing to do a shitty job at things that I want to do. Otherwise I get stuck on how it won't be perfect, and then nothing happens. Avoiding doing is so much safer than risking disappointment, or (horrors!) disappointing someone else.
Also, editing (or whatever appropriate post-creation form of adjustment) is so much easier than the blank slate. Just being willing to do a shitty job makes life a lot more fun than having to "do your best" all the fucking time. Because no one is at their best all the time. What does that even mean??
OK, if "do your best" means "try as hard as you can manage *right now*" then maybe... But why not be kind/realistic and just say/think, "Do what I can manage right now, because right now I am what I am -- right now." At any given moment, we can't be better than we actually are at that moment. So what? Reality is your friend -- accepting the simple truth that we're not in control of everything, so do whatever works, not what "should" work.
Stop "shoulding" all over yourself!
Okay okay okay. I'm going to read this every morning from now on. No. wait. I'm going to edit it just a bit to match the details of MY life and then I'm going to read it aloud over voice recorder and THEN I'm going to LISTEN to MYSELF saying it every morning from now on. Is that creepy? I think I'm beyond caring. It feels like it could work. Thank you thank you thank you for everything, HH. You are the BEST.
And for God's sake, get off social media. It's heartbreaking watching what comparison through these channels is doing to young minds and hearts.
Please all young people, it is good to get older. One learns gratitude, patience and compassion (if this missing in your person) through loss, lessons, regret and appreciation. Be grateful for what you have and learn to serve others. Find faith. Find balance, be nice to your parents, understanding and forgiving at least. Find joy and forgiveness. Dance, exercise, study. Live!!
"When you commit to honesty and commit to slowing down and savoring the luxury of being alive as much as you can, when you commit to drinking in knowledge and embracing beauty and delighting in the unpredictable weirdos around you, you will be misunderstood regularly. "
Ugh. I need line imprinted somewhere in the interiors of my eyes so I can remind myself of this everywhere I go. Being misunderstood is inevitable, and yet I still crave being understood so much. SO MUCH. And I think this is why so many people are so afraid of slowing down and being honest with themselves, afraid of showing the people around them who they authentically are. Because the moment who we really are is revealed, there is this impending fear not just for being misunderstood, but then for being abandoned.
Okay this is irritating advice, but I used to be very, very focused on being understood. I slowly worked to put that energy into my creative work and into my most trusted relationships instead of focusing on *winning people over*, which was really a strange, depleting fixation of mine for years. And the more I worked to understand myself while allowing other people to just live their own lives and either approach with curiosity or circumnavigate me entirely, the more confident and relaxed and productive I became.
And many relationships improved, because I wasn't always wrapped up in what wasn't working. When you're curious about other people without evaluating yourself or how you come across, other people tend to be more curious about you, too. Even though we live in a rough world full of incurious people, it's easier to recognize the curious ones when you're not grappling with a puzzle made out of shame around the clock. Clarify to yourself who you are and what you love and proceed with calm curiosity, gratitude, and an open heart.
Easier said than done, of course. There's just this very crucial moment when you stop yourself from working too hard for approval, and stop yourself from evaluating your behavior socially, etc. You just STOP and let people think what they think, and that becomes your habit, and... you feel free for a change. You're not some incredible confident perfect human, you just know how to block those old destructive cognitive habits, which frees you up to focus on gratitude, fun, and connection.
Likewise, once you stop *abandoning yourself* when you're misunderstood -- disapproving of yourself, scolding yourself, feeling ashamed -- you won't fear abandonment as much. It will still sting, but it won't be the earth-shattering, I Am Doomed to Fail Because I'm Not Good Enough type of experience that crushes you.
People misunderstand each other all the time. It's normal for other people not to get it. Your focus needs to be on your own unique path to feeling expansive and calm. Sending you a big hug.
thanks for this comment. really good advice AHHHHHH
So true. Being ‘understood’ is a dangerous position. I still struggle with it but it’s gotten easier. Getting older helps.
Hey letter writer!
When I read your letter, I immediately had to think about the Berlin music icon Christiane Rösinger. She is wonderful, has been making music for decades and I think her songs might be just right for your current state of mind.
"Sinnlos" is about how nothing matters (in a good and bad way), and "Geheime Gesellschaft" is about the secret society of anxious/melancholic people. It sounds a bit weird when I type it out, but believe me, she is great!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vavjQ4vQzjI
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_LQZGFdsi7w
She's also touring with the "legends of entertainment" and their show is one of the most uplifting and fun experiences I've had in a while, so a huge recommendation for that too.
Bussis from Vienna and all the best from somebody who started to study in her late 20s and was really stressed out by that before realising noone cares! :)
i felt the same when I was 23-24, sometimes anxious to the point where i woke up at 3 a.m. in a panic because i wasn't achieving. it is crazy now in retrospect. Of course I had a lot of outside pressures (parents not supportive of what I was doing as a freelancer), friends who were in steady jobs with better pay. But I wish someone could've told me then, it's okay. go slow. this is perfect for the moment because you're living things out in a way that no one could have predicted for you. as long as you're doing something that aligns with a personal goal, who cares how the outside world sees it? age helps with this anxiety btw.
Things take the time they take. Don’t
worry.
How many roads did Saint Augustine follow
before he became Saint Augustine?
Mary Oliver
Thank you Danielle and to reinforce, Augustine, Aquinas, St. Paul - they did not start as saints.
This is going to sound morbid, and may not be relevant, but it’s something that shifted things for me when I was in that stage of development: when you’re in your 20s, you typically haven’t experienced death and grief on the level of people who are 30+. You think you have time, and you imagine you’ll spend that time achieving things. Then you lose a friend suddenly in a freak accident, or a family member not so suddenly to slow cancer, and you start to ask yourself: if this is all we get, if some of us turn 24 but never get to turn 25, what do I want out of life? This way of thinking landed me, after experiencing great loss, in exactly the place Polly/Heather describes. Of wanting to savor rather than be seen as superior. Of wanting to know yourself and others deeply, rather than image-manage your way into some fleeting sense of being admired for half-truths and bluster. And of wanting to be of service to the world in some way, as my authentic self. Helping others is not something mentioned above, and is kind of it’s own kind of drug if you overdo it, but it’s a great way to get out of your own head and stop overthinking how you’re spending your time. Just my $0.02. Hang in there.
Went back to do a Masters at 35. I won't be done until I'm 37. And I'm just so grateful I recognised what it is I cared about at this point in my life and can persue it. Many years of slowing down and listening to myself are what got me here. I hope for LW she can start to connect with herself more. So freaking hard with controlling parents and sensitive brain.
Exactly 🔥🔥🔥
Damn, this one really hit me. Thank you for writing this.
LW, annoying advice, but you’re really almost there. Being 24 in the global West is a uniquely universal experience!
I had similar panics when I was 24, especially resonating with no longer being “gifted for your age.” I was always, always the youngest amongst my friends and coworkers and liked being mature and talented. I’m now facing my peers as the “sage” (which always makes me lol) because I’m 27 attending the first year of my university program, surrounded by teenagers and young-20s who also think their life is about to wrap up. I will graduate at 31 at the earliest, but likely 32 or 33.
You can’t change the years that have gone by without as much language and music and education as you now want to, and I can’t go back and get two degrees instead of starting school just now. But you now want to! Make a friend who speaks French and treat them to a glass of wine (or two, it helps the accent come out). Use Alex G on repeat to get yourself into such a zone that music pours out of you. Focus on your studies and be proud of yourself. Don’t become immobilized by the past just to perpetuate the cycle
This was such a good one; I wish I'd had it to read when I was 24. I'm glad I'm working from home instead of at the office today because when I read the paragraph that starts "Some piece of that work involves disappointing other people" I started sobbing - that is so true and I have to remind myself of that ALL the time, all the time, all the time
❤️❤️🔥
Love Your columns and the art work you choose to accompany them.
I share with you focus this year: slow down and sit with emotions. I hope to carry on beyond January with this purpose