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PrettyLady_Designer's avatar

You know, it took me more than fifty years to understand that I could NEVER have a truly intimate relationship with a romantic partner until I gave myself permission to stop Being A Good Person.

Because women are conditioned to be so infinitely kind, patient, tolerant, clean, forgiving and understanding that we completely lose sight of our actual personalities.

I sincerely believed that I had to be the perfect patient receptacle of whatever bullshit any random man threw my way, and eventually, when I was perfect ENOUGH, my needs would get met.

It's only after setting boundaries which include my ACTUAL NEEDS that I can start discerning what my responsibilities to others entail. And when those needs go consistently unmet, my responsibilities are very, very few.

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Nell's avatar

My partner and I have a rule that we bring up Big Emotions when they’re at a 4 (on a scale of 1-10). It helps a lot, because we don’t get all the petty little things constantly coming up BUT ALSO we catch them before they get bad. AND “we need to talk” doesn’t activate the “Oh no they’re pissed at me and this is going to be a huge fight and we’re going to break up” defensive response that would normally come from that phrase. It’s made it soooo much easier to be open and listen, and also makes it easier for my avoidant self to actually air my own grievances instead of holding them in until I feel like the best option is to just run away.

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