126 Comments
Apr 10, 2020Liked by Heather Havrilesky

my dad died on monday and it really fucking sucks. i just want to stand outside and yell MY DAD DIED at everyone i meet. instead i am yelling it on twitter.

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Apr 10, 2020Liked by Heather Havrilesky

I’m a woman in a 900 sq’ house with men who are sweet but don’t notice that I’ve been openly crying all day. They can’t express a feeling or notice someone else having one (millions). They’re super stoked their Xbox arrived in the mail today though. If not for my dog I would go out and start asking people to cough on me.

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Apr 10, 2020Liked by Heather Havrilesky

Exactly this. Brene Brown had a thing about Comparative Suffering that was resonant, like, you feel guilty for feeling bad because "it's so much worse for X and Y, I am very lucky" - but then when you squash your own grieving because you think you don't deserve to feel bad? You feel worse. And it festers. And apparently eats at your capacity for empathy. We can't compare our suffering - there will always be someone who has it worse in some way. We just have to sit with it, feel it, cope with it, and recover from it. I hit a wall yesterday myself so I informally "called in sick" to my WFH and I have been watching television that has a lot of humans touching. I'm touch starved and live alone and I would love to hold everyone's hand right now. We are here for you, Polly, for all the times you are here for us. And everyone else reading, we're not alone, even though safe in our houses we feel alone. Hold on to your gratitude and hold on to your grief. Just hold on. Thank you all for being part of this place.

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Apr 10, 2020Liked by Heather Havrilesky

I heard a really wise therapist talking about grief earlier this week...about how most cultures are bad at it because we try to fix it, but there's no fixing it...and how all anybody needs while grieving is accompaniment. What you're offering here is accompaniment. We need it. Thank you.

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Apr 10, 2020Liked by Heather Havrilesky

I feel trapped in this stalled life. Things I thought I was building had to be abandoned, the person I wanted to be has to be contained until this passes. I feel a loss of a future. Thankful for the space to voice this, although it feels like screaming into the void. I miss touch. I miss being around the people I love. I miss living.

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Apr 10, 2020Liked by Heather Havrilesky

Yes, yes it is a sad day. Yesterday I had car trouble and the AAA roadside assistance kept disconnecting my calls. Over and over. I don't feel I can call friends as most of mine are high risk and asking them to leave their homes is asking them to risk death. Car trouble is a nuisance, not a death sentence, I tried to reason with myself. But I could not stop sobbing. All the loss, all the fear, all the loneliness. I walked to an Autozone store, where I sobbed and asked for the part I thought I might need. They were kind and the guy behind the counter loaned me his personal socket wrench to make the repair. Halfway back to my car I had to sit down by the side of the road to rest and cry some more. I called my sister miles away. She talked me off the ledge and said you are handling it like a boss! An older gentleman in the parking lot helped me make the repair and it worked! People were kind, even in a terrifying time. I still came home crying and feel like I could go on for 300 years. Everything is a good bit more difficult in the time of covid-19. Today I feel much the same. And I tell myself, all of us are going to melt down at some point. My public sobfest won't be the only one. As long as some of us can carry on and offer comfort while others melt down, we will somehow walk each other (perhaps hobbling and limping) through this. Thanks for providing the space both literal and metaphorical to speak of this.

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Apr 10, 2020Liked by Heather Havrilesky

I miss my mom. She lives across the country and I was planning to go see her before all of this. She's always been my compass in the middle of a mess and now I'm trapped in my tiny home alone with two cat babies who are NOT humans and CANNOT hug me the same way my mom would. This fucking sucks. I JUST WANT A GD HUG FROM MY MOTHER. I HATE 45. I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS. ITS FINALLY 60 DEGREES AND I CANT GO OUT FUCKING SIDE. I HATE IT HERE. Thank you for this space, I really needed to get that out.<3

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Apr 10, 2020Liked by Heather Havrilesky

Today I began to consider the attention I'm paying to the terrifying changes in our country and in our world, as I would consider the codependent, obsessive attention an unhealthy person would pay to an abuser. This approach informs me how to limit my exposure and proceed living in a hopeful, joyful way.

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Apr 10, 2020Liked by Heather Havrilesky

I started fostering a pup two weeks ago. He’s been my only source of light since then, and I’ve been so thankful for his cuddles and company. Today I found out he’s been adopted and being picked up asap. I’ll be alone and the emptiness spreads unbearably ahead of me. I’ve managed to keep it together until now

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Apr 10, 2020Liked by Heather Havrilesky

can we all reach into the depths of our guts and find our level 10 rage and scream THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGH!!!!!!!!!!!!

It would probably scare shit out of my dog and my elderly neighbors. And the kids who live accords the street. So maybe not. Let’s remember this feeling when we can go outside in groups again because its time for a riot.

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Apr 10, 2020Liked by Heather Havrilesky

Two days ago I answered the phone at the hospital where I work. I had been waiting for a call back from the lab, but instead found myself talking to a patient’s family member.

‘Is my spouse still alive?’

It was the saddest question I have ever been asked, though the depth of it didn’t hit me at first. In truth I was frustrated and burned out, but was able to track down the patient’s nurse who could give more accurate answers. While I was on the line I was asked a series of harder questions.

‘Will he/she be intubated? What are his/her chances of survival?’

He/she was alive and stable but as for the other questions, I don’t know. No one knows. And for me thats the hardest part is not knowing how this will all shake out.

I have hope and I believe there will be better days ahead. But when that will be I am just not sure.

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Apr 10, 2020Liked by Heather Havrilesky

My mom has been dead for almost 34 years and I miss her so much today. I just want to curl up in her lap and have her scratch my back and tell it's all going to be ok.

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Apr 10, 2020Liked by Heather Havrilesky

I'm okay today, but I know I won't be okay another day. This reminds me of the grief when my dad died. I had a week where I only ate enchiladas at all, and drank margaritas for lunch every day. I know that work happened, that I got our son to school, that my wife traveled, that the calendar for those days exists, but I have no memories of it beyond red chile, salt, lime. March was like that week, over and over again. Fuck, now I need to make some red chile.

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Apr 10, 2020Liked by Heather Havrilesky

Ok, I'll vent. I'm trapped in a small house with my husband and teen daughter -- my two most fraught relationships, both getting more strained by the minute. When I come downstairs to hang out, they both tend to disappear. I walk around like a ghost, or a mummy tightly wrapped in a gauze of anxiety, just the sight of me making everyone flee.

I feel lonely in this company, yet I miss having true alone-time. I've started having a nightly drink. I'm finding it hard to sleep. When I do, I have very bad dreams. I’ve started exercising daily -- which is something I've never done before -- but I'm gaining weight faster than ever before. Nothing much has really changed in my day-to-day, but suddenly nothing works or makes any sense.

My 93-year-old mom, who has rapidly worsening memory issues, had just moved into an independent living unit in an eldercare facility on what was supposed to be a trial basis, just before the shit came down. Now she's essentially living in *solitary confinement* for the foreseeable future, 1,500 miles away from me in Florida. I am very grateful that she moved when she did and that she has some folks nearby who will at least notice if they don’t see her for a day, but she struggles to re-remember why she can't socialize and why she can't see me. The plan was for me to fly down and help her get settled in, and close up and help sell her old condo (the proceeds from which are needed to finance her long-term care... so....???), but I'm not sure I'll be able to see her for... months? ?????

I had groceries delivered to her the other day, and she asked me why I drove away so fast. I reminded her I don't live in Florida. She couldn't remember where I live.

I don't know what to do with any of this. I have my health. We are still gainfully employed. The lights are still on. Beloved musicians aside, nobody I love has succumbed. The grinding background terror of the daily news aside, there are no major problems here. Why do I feel so bad?

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Apr 10, 2020Liked by Heather Havrilesky

I live in Iowa. One of the hold-out states. I've been sheltering in place since the beginning of March. Yet...here we are, with a governor who sticks to her feckless guns. I feel this rage and this grief and this sadness in my body and it's heavy as fuck.

On April 15, it will be six months since my mom died. She had COPD. I can't imagine what it would have been like to go through this while she was still alive. It was terrifying, worrying about any tiny cold wreaking havoc on her respiratory system. She had respiratory failure, nearly 3 years ago. She was intubated, twice. She was in the hospital for months. I was able to be there with her the whole time. Not only is it like horror flashbacks to hear/see/read these words and images, I simply cannot handle thinking about what it would be like to handle a loved one in that critical state at this time. I witnessed it when things were "calm" and it was still one of the most traumatic things I've been through. I can't imagine. My heart is so heavy. With my own sorrow and the collective sorrow and the imagined sorrow to come.

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Apr 10, 2020Liked by Heather Havrilesky

I've been crying for 90 minutes so far. I just want to sit with you too.

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Apr 10, 2020Liked by Heather Havrilesky

Up until today I had been "making the most of this..." enjoying the mental and emotional break from my stressful job, which I am not currently able to perform at this moment; the noticeably cleaner air; the gift of time to just think and be and try to reflect with gratitude for everyone who is working so hard to get us all through this. But today I just didn't have it in me. And now we know we will be compelled to stay at home for at least another 5 weeks minimum, and, and, and. It feels like too much today. Your message was so lovely, and so timely. Thank you.

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Apr 10, 2020Liked by Heather Havrilesky

You are so spot on. I felt the weight of our collective sadness today, and it’s more than I can take. And I say this as a financial planner who was suddenly widowed two years ago - so I can take a LOT. But this is too, too much today, so I’m sitting with you virtually because even the helpers - hell, ESPECIALLY the helpers - need a buddy so you can just be right now.

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Apr 10, 2020Liked by Heather Havrilesky

Today I'm trying your advice that you wrote in a letter to someone grieving that they should do one big physical task per day, like pulling weeds in the garden. This might sound selfish, but I keep pinning my sadness on the fact that I'm single. But I see posts from married friends and they "miss people" also. I'm someone who generally feels ok, even great when single, and now I don't recognize myself anymore--I'm sad for that. My big and vibrant social life+career kept me bouyant. Zoom isn't the same. I had a budding romance with someone in healthcare that got cut short because he now doesn't have time or headspace to keep in touch. I find myself unhealthily obsessing, even though I vowed to myself I would spend quarantine working on my big goals, rather than on dating or men. Maybe love is more important to me than I've admitted to myself. I know I need to find *love* elsewhere in the world in the general sense. I'm "working" on meditation like my life depends on it, in order to get comfortable to just "be", and breathe through discomfort. It helps for a bit. Logically I have everything I need, I'm healthy... have food and income. But my body still feels under attack with loneliness and grief for normal life, constantly wanting to crawl out of my skin. I'll come back and respond here if I can figure out a way to finally focus on those goals.

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Apr 10, 2020Liked by Heather Havrilesky

I just re-read “Being Mortal” by Atul Gawande in the last couple of days. I found it very comforting. I don’t know why because it’s about death. But it’s a lot about our fear of death and of losing control and the things that become most important to us at the end. He’s a wonderful writer and I’d recommend the book. It helped me feel like I would be ok, no matter what, and helped me process the really dark and scary parts.

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As always you’re wonderful, even the permission to feel sad is a gift right now. We just have to sit in this time, and that is the hardest part, not taking action or being able to. It is sad, we all hurt but take this from me, your words have given me comfort so often, and these words do today. Thank you for giving me space to say I feel sad and shitty, it helps.

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Apr 10, 2020Liked by Heather Havrilesky

Yes today has been saddest. The world is a totalt melt down and I also realized me and my boyfriend shouldnt be together. I cant deal with a break up or even break up thoughts on top of everything else right now, but feelings cant be ignored either. I dont know what the fuck to do. I cant imagine being alone again, after 3 years together with the bestest kindest person there is, who taught me what real love and not living a destructive life is.

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Apr 10, 2020Liked by Heather Havrilesky

I am having a hard time being a good mom. I took my kids for a walk and made them carry masks that they were to wear if we saw people. (We live in suburbia). After we saw some other walkers, I yelled at my 6 yr old when she dropped her (too large) cloth mask on the ground after I told her she could- after people were 15 feet away and the coast was clear-- we were close to our house. I am such an asshole. I then realized that they are a little clueless as to why I am having interspersed fits of anxiety and rage. This makes me think of Mother's Little Helper-- having hard time maintaining even keel. But, truly, it is a drag getting on. And, yet, I have much to be grateful for.

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Apr 10, 2020Liked by Heather Havrilesky

1000% this. These feelings come and go, but sometimes they're just so big.

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It is SO SAD and I am TIRED of it and I don’t WANT TO LIVE IN A PANDEMIC ANYMORE and I don’t WANT to live in a world that will never be the same I LIKED THE WORLD BEFORE I WANT THAT BACK I HATE THIS

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Apr 10, 2020Liked by Heather Havrilesky

Thought maybe it was just me. It helps, in a way, to know other people are going through the same. I am so lucky, so fortunate, in so many ways. But bad days still happen, and I need remember that that is ok. Thank you for opening the space to share. <3

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Apr 10, 2020Liked by Heather Havrilesky

Thank you. There's no reason why today is worse than the other days. I guess it just is.

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Apr 10, 2020Liked by Heather Havrilesky

Yeah. Bad day for me too. The worst so far.

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For the last week or so my fiancee's been coming to bed at 3 am. Wednesday night was the same but I woke up in the process. We ended up just laying there in the darkness holding hands and crying for a while.

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Apr 10, 2020Liked by Heather Havrilesky

I've been having more and more worst days lately. Some time ago (it feels like decades, before any of this happened, so it must have been like last month), I told you on Twitter how I had applied to a summer program in NYC and then bought a plane ticket without knowing ether I was gonna be accepted, and you said something like "I feel you'll get in, but even if you don't, you'll take that trip and things will be good." and that brought me so much comfort at the time. Today is the last day they'll get in touch with applicants and I haven't heard from them yet, so I'm guessing I was not accepted, but the worst thing is I'm not even going to get a chance to go to NYC! I spent SO. MUCH. MONEY to apply to this shit. And then the whole world went sideways and upside down and the city I was so excited to visit again is grieving so much! I'm just so sad. I don't know what to do. I can't even cry.

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Apr 10, 2020Liked by Heather Havrilesky

I sort of feel okay, but maybe more okay than I really am. Last night I had a dream about camping in a beautiful field in the rain at the base of a steep hill, and I saw people walking off in the distance and thought about how I liked being alone, but also liked being with people, and that it was great either way. This morning, I was telling my partner about the dream, and how peaceful it was, and how it shows that I'm not anxious about everything. And then as I was saying all this, I remembered that in the dream, I had looked up the steep slope of that muddy hill and thought, "If there's an earthquake, that whole slope is going to come right down on top of my tent." So...that's where I'm at, I guess.

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Apr 10, 2020Liked by Heather Havrilesky

Yes, it feels like all the sadness pent up since childhood finally has free reign to get its needs met. I just sit and let it. I know that a dip can mean solace and then a brighter tomorrow. How interconnected we are, to all feel each other’s sorrow. I’m sure we all have different images and symbols, some ancient, some new- but to know we are intertwined like a web, is interesting.

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I wish I had somewhere to go and cry where I wouldn't feel like I was burdening someone else. Nobody wants to hear somebody who still has a job and their health complain. But everyone I know and love is suffering and my daughter is gonna get married without me and I want to cry until I throw up and I don't even have the fucking privacy to do that.

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Apr 10, 2020Liked by Heather Havrilesky

Is this title a reference to "The Blackest Day" by Lana Del Rey? I'm craving it now. Putting it on. Let's feel it out.

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somehow you managed to write this and choose this beautiful artwork and hit send, thank you for finding that energy--i'm with you and the rest of us

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The Today Programme in the UK interviewed a woman who had to say goodbye to her husband with their two children while swathed in layers and layers of protective gear, and he probably couldn't even hear her. And it was so unbearable and scary. And I felt bad for not JUST empathizing with them, but also praying it would leave my loved ones. So I'm not only sad but a bad person I guess.

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I hate how you can't do anything when someone dies. It's so permanent, and there is nothing you can do, and they're never coming back. So finite, so abrupt. So jarring.

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Thank you for this space. Today, and this week, really are the worst so far.

I've been trying for over 2 years to leave a job at a company that doesn't appreciate my hard work and talents and where I don't have a bright future. FINALLY in February I started interviewing for a dream opportunity. My third, incredible interview was on the Monday before my city started quarantining. The next week, the owner of that company put half the staff on unpaid leave. I haven't heard from them since.

This week, the company where I remained pushed out our top boss for some very shady reasons and there are now rumors publicly circulating that deep cuts are coming for the entire company. Naturally, the owners have for years promised "transparency" and "openness" from their mansions but have actually lied at every turn. I think (maybe, hopefully) my job — which I already was deeply unhappy with — is safe, but so many of my friends/colleagues will probably be cut loose at this awful time, with no good path forward. I'm so fucking angry that the ownership/management, who are the ACTUAL ones who did their jobs poorly and put the company in possible financial trouble are going to be just fine, while everyone who has diligently done their jobs as asked of them will be adrift. And I'm so so mad that I have to feel grateful to keep this job that has made me angry and sad every week for 2 years and is only going to get worse.

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I reached out to my ex bff a week ago and told her I hope she was well and safe. We were friends for 15 years and I was dumped for an unknown reason over a year ago. Never heard back from her. I'm not losing hope though. If anything I'm much more thankful for everything and appreciating people MORE. If they have bread at my local store, I feel like I've won the lottery and am so happy! I'm also eternally grateful for anyone putting themselves at risk -front line workers, even grocery store workers and garbage collectors to maintain some sense of "normality" during this stressful time.

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Wednesday and Thursday were my hell days. I guess we're all just due for them & moving into the collective grief together. I'm so glad I stumbled onto you.

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I read a China based person’s summary of their quarantine abd they described the 3d and 4th weeks as being a lot of ups and downs, a few dark days and these eventually passing for no reason. You just have to let the emotions pass I guess. Which you already know, I know. Personally went thru exactly that: super dark days, and the next day I’m fine abd I’m enjoying what I have (the sun and spring and getting to spend time with my parents I guess?). It’s really weird but I roll with these mood swings. Also NOT binging the news first thing in the AM helps... watching Community instead. Taking one day at a time helps. Not trying to fortune tell about the future and imagining disastrous scenarios helps,I just block that out like Larry David saying you should treat this as quitting smoking.

Also my constant mantra for this, fir whenever I start fortune telling : I KNOW THAT I DON’T KNOW.

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It blurs together, a whole week of the saddest day. My father died from COVID-19 last Sunday. Yesterday, I ran a Zoom memorial, a transmedia shiva, for over a hundred people to share their memories and grieve. I was busy running the show, like the worst NPR pledge drive of all time. There are threats to make a tote bag. When it was done, so was I.

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Thank you for articulating this. Everything felt so real today for the first time. I could barely get out of bed. I appreciate your thoughts and the fact that we are in this together.

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here

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Working from home has become incredibly stressful. Suddenly established work hours are no longer respected and I am bothered with work calls at night. My boss is a good person, but accuracy and productivity is expected at all times. I feel I need not only a new job, but a new career path entirely, and I don't know what that is.I felt this way before corona, but now is probably not the time to be looking because unemployment is so high. I am lost and depressed about it.

A good friend of mine died of cancer March 10. We worked together. Our desks were side by side. She was my partner at work and we knew so much about each other and socialized outside of work, too. I got to physically say goodbye to her March 5. The fact that I could not attend her funeral and pay my respects due to corona restrictions really crushe s me. She was 42.

The one year anniversary of my fiance s mothers death is this week. She was killed in an accident. My fiance was extremely close to her. I am scared for what this week will bring . We have been coexisting and haven't had any major issues. But I feel the storm c oming. I always feel i just have to be patient and understanding.

When I am not working i feel bored and wonder if I am just a boring person. Mostly I take walks and watch tv. When life is stripped down like this, is this all I am? I have been thinking about how I occupied my free time as a child.I liked to paint, play basketball, and write stories.I ordered a paint set and basketball online yesterday.

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Thank you. I really needed this today.

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