Since this nightmare began, I’ve had a lot of reasonably productive days. Today feels different. Today I can’t stop watching those snapshots of the pandemic from around the world flashing on the New York Times site. Today I’m having this repeating, out-of-body experience: How is this happening?
I reached a saturation point this morning before I even got out of bed. I feel like I have too much sadness in my body and I can’t hold anymore. I can’t keep reading numbers and looking at names and faces. Maybe I let my guard down this week and now I’m paying for it.
But also? People are asking me for advice. And there are times when I just don’t have a thing to give. Trying to offer helpful pointers in the middle of this darkness sometimes feels like walking around on the beach at Normandy and telling teenagers who are bleeding into the sand to look on the fucking bright side.
Sometimes I just want a place to say: This is just so sad, isn’t it? It’s just so fucking sad. I need that today. I don’t want to drag anyone down. But if you’re already down, I just want to sit with you and say it: This is too much for me, too. It’s too much for anyone.
If you’re struggling today, you’re not alone. Consider this a place to say so. I don’t have that much to offer here. I just want to make some space for whatever you’ve got.
Polly’s evil twin Molly wrote about despair here. This week’s Ask Polly is here. Write to Polly here: askpolly@protonmail.com.
my dad died on monday and it really fucking sucks. i just want to stand outside and yell MY DAD DIED at everyone i meet. instead i am yelling it on twitter.
I am so so sorry! What a horrible time. I will sit right next to you and hold your hand and you can just say it over and over again at me and I promise not to get tired of it or leave you alone until you want me to. Virtually speaking, of course.
I am so sorry. Losing my parents includes some of the hardest work I've ever done. I am glad you can yell it on Twitter. And then yell it again and again and again so you can be heard and held by arms that can't touch you right now.
That definitely fucking sucks. We hear you yelling. I hate that you are having to experience this with all the pandemic limitations, sorrows, fear, and angst. I'm so sorry your dad died.
I’m a woman in a 900 sq’ house with men who are sweet but don’t notice that I’ve been openly crying all day. They can’t express a feeling or notice someone else having one (millions). They’re super stoked their Xbox arrived in the mail today though. If not for my dog I would go out and start asking people to cough on me.
Thanks y’all. Also: they can’t fucking cook! And I’m a pro. The other day my husband yelled for step by step assistance making FROZEN PIZZA on a night I was too beat to cook (my mother lives alone 3000 miles away and fell in her 3rd floor walk up and broke her fucking pelvis and I managed her transport to the emergency room and hospital stay from home.) But typically these sweet clods are getting gourmet dinners every night while my insides crumble. I’m a den mother for a mini-frat. WAH! My heart breaks for the world and everyone good in it who has to witness and experience the useless cruelty of the systems that control us. The emotional devastation, the utter wreckage. My problems are small, but not being able to GO OUTSIDE and turn this heartbreak and rage into action, while also wanting to run and hide in a hole under a blanket, feeling simultaneously driven to help and paralyzed to do anything is so frustrating And confusing. I wish I had some cookies.
Join them in playing Call of Duty and cry your heart out during. Then when you win from all of your sadness and rage, tell them to suck on that losers. Keep crying, keep raging.
That sounds horrible, but you made me laugh. Thank you! I lived in a 900 sq. ft house for 18 years in a marriage that eventually became intolerable... so I relate!
Exactly this. Brene Brown had a thing about Comparative Suffering that was resonant, like, you feel guilty for feeling bad because "it's so much worse for X and Y, I am very lucky" - but then when you squash your own grieving because you think you don't deserve to feel bad? You feel worse. And it festers. And apparently eats at your capacity for empathy. We can't compare our suffering - there will always be someone who has it worse in some way. We just have to sit with it, feel it, cope with it, and recover from it. I hit a wall yesterday myself so I informally "called in sick" to my WFH and I have been watching television that has a lot of humans touching. I'm touch starved and live alone and I would love to hold everyone's hand right now. We are here for you, Polly, for all the times you are here for us. And everyone else reading, we're not alone, even though safe in our houses we feel alone. Hold on to your gratitude and hold on to your grief. Just hold on. Thank you all for being part of this place.
I heard a really wise therapist talking about grief earlier this week...about how most cultures are bad at it because we try to fix it, but there's no fixing it...and how all anybody needs while grieving is accompaniment. What you're offering here is accompaniment. We need it. Thank you.
Thank you. Christ almighty, I really feel useless today. And I think it's because I've been resisting how sad I am for weeks, and trying to fix it. Thanks for this.
Of course. Yes, also have been resisting...now trying to give in. Credit where credit is due: The therapist was Hillary McBride (https://hillarylmcbride.com), and I heard her on a zoom live recording (because that's what we do now?) of the podcast The Liturgists.
I feel trapped in this stalled life. Things I thought I was building had to be abandoned, the person I wanted to be has to be contained until this passes. I feel a loss of a future. Thankful for the space to voice this, although it feels like screaming into the void. I miss touch. I miss being around the people I love. I miss living.
There is still a future there, somewhere, but it's so hard to see right now. I hear you clearly, and I'm really sorry! It's so fucking hard to just sit and be ok with this moment. It sucks. The best you can manage sometimes is just distraction or something difficult or taxing. Hang in there, you're not alone.
I just got divorced and I was going to be spending this time figuring out how not to make those mistakes, those choices again, and now I am figuring out how to make food out of ingredients, which is witchcraft. My therapy sessions are all "how are you coping with covid" and not "how are you learning to love yourself enough to not settle?" I'm settling every day now!
Making food out of ingredients IS witchcraft. At the end of this moment of suspended animation you’re going to emerge as a badass witch warrior goddess who knows how to love AND nourish herself. Hang in there. ❤️
Yes, yes it is a sad day. Yesterday I had car trouble and the AAA roadside assistance kept disconnecting my calls. Over and over. I don't feel I can call friends as most of mine are high risk and asking them to leave their homes is asking them to risk death. Car trouble is a nuisance, not a death sentence, I tried to reason with myself. But I could not stop sobbing. All the loss, all the fear, all the loneliness. I walked to an Autozone store, where I sobbed and asked for the part I thought I might need. They were kind and the guy behind the counter loaned me his personal socket wrench to make the repair. Halfway back to my car I had to sit down by the side of the road to rest and cry some more. I called my sister miles away. She talked me off the ledge and said you are handling it like a boss! An older gentleman in the parking lot helped me make the repair and it worked! People were kind, even in a terrifying time. I still came home crying and feel like I could go on for 300 years. Everything is a good bit more difficult in the time of covid-19. Today I feel much the same. And I tell myself, all of us are going to melt down at some point. My public sobfest won't be the only one. As long as some of us can carry on and offer comfort while others melt down, we will somehow walk each other (perhaps hobbling and limping) through this. Thanks for providing the space both literal and metaphorical to speak of this.
Ugh, I really felt this. That feeling of just melting down and not being able to move forward. It's good that your sister was there and it helped. And I also know that feeling of: Oh Jesus, today's going to be bad, too. I haven't felt this way in years, it's beyond daunting.
I miss my mom. She lives across the country and I was planning to go see her before all of this. She's always been my compass in the middle of a mess and now I'm trapped in my tiny home alone with two cat babies who are NOT humans and CANNOT hug me the same way my mom would. This fucking sucks. I JUST WANT A GD HUG FROM MY MOTHER. I HATE 45. I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS. ITS FINALLY 60 DEGREES AND I CANT GO OUT FUCKING SIDE. I HATE IT HERE. Thank you for this space, I really needed to get that out.<3
Today I began to consider the attention I'm paying to the terrifying changes in our country and in our world, as I would consider the codependent, obsessive attention an unhealthy person would pay to an abuser. This approach informs me how to limit my exposure and proceed living in a hopeful, joyful way.
Yes, YES. I've turned to the book "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie to work on interpersonal codependency obsessions, but I find it strangely addresses quarantine feelings too. Highly recommend. From page 99: "You panic so hard you start to go under. Then you remember--you're working too hard at this. You don't need to panic. All you need to do is breathe, relax, and go with the flow. You won't drown."
I started fostering a pup two weeks ago. He’s been my only source of light since then, and I’ve been so thankful for his cuddles and company. Today I found out he’s been adopted and being picked up asap. I’ll be alone and the emptiness spreads unbearably ahead of me. I’ve managed to keep it together until now
It will be so hard to say goodbye to your little friend. Can you adopt your own squish so you have a sweet furry being to kick your tears and make you smile?
The Dodo on YT has some AMAZING puppy videos that I've been watching for the past month. Pittie Nation is my favorite playlist. Also let's just adopt puppies rn!<3
Can you foster another one? I recently found out a neighbor has been constantly fostering kittens for the last 2 years cause she works at home. She loves it!
can we all reach into the depths of our guts and find our level 10 rage and scream THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGH!!!!!!!!!!!!
It would probably scare shit out of my dog and my elderly neighbors. And the kids who live accords the street. So maybe not. Let’s remember this feeling when we can go outside in groups again because its time for a riot.
Two days ago I answered the phone at the hospital where I work. I had been waiting for a call back from the lab, but instead found myself talking to a patient’s family member.
‘Is my spouse still alive?’
It was the saddest question I have ever been asked, though the depth of it didn’t hit me at first. In truth I was frustrated and burned out, but was able to track down the patient’s nurse who could give more accurate answers. While I was on the line I was asked a series of harder questions.
‘Will he/she be intubated? What are his/her chances of survival?’
He/she was alive and stable but as for the other questions, I don’t know. No one knows. And for me thats the hardest part is not knowing how this will all shake out.
I have hope and I believe there will be better days ahead. But when that will be I am just not sure.
My mom has been dead for almost 34 years and I miss her so much today. I just want to curl up in her lap and have her scratch my back and tell it's all going to be ok.
My dad has been dead for 23 years yet last night he held me in a dream. I cried and cried and cried and he held me. Not something he ever did in real life but I know he was there in the night. Somehow, somewhere, he was there.
I'm okay today, but I know I won't be okay another day. This reminds me of the grief when my dad died. I had a week where I only ate enchiladas at all, and drank margaritas for lunch every day. I know that work happened, that I got our son to school, that my wife traveled, that the calendar for those days exists, but I have no memories of it beyond red chile, salt, lime. March was like that week, over and over again. Fuck, now I need to make some red chile.
Ok, I'll vent. I'm trapped in a small house with my husband and teen daughter -- my two most fraught relationships, both getting more strained by the minute. When I come downstairs to hang out, they both tend to disappear. I walk around like a ghost, or a mummy tightly wrapped in a gauze of anxiety, just the sight of me making everyone flee.
I feel lonely in this company, yet I miss having true alone-time. I've started having a nightly drink. I'm finding it hard to sleep. When I do, I have very bad dreams. I’ve started exercising daily -- which is something I've never done before -- but I'm gaining weight faster than ever before. Nothing much has really changed in my day-to-day, but suddenly nothing works or makes any sense.
My 93-year-old mom, who has rapidly worsening memory issues, had just moved into an independent living unit in an eldercare facility on what was supposed to be a trial basis, just before the shit came down. Now she's essentially living in *solitary confinement* for the foreseeable future, 1,500 miles away from me in Florida. I am very grateful that she moved when she did and that she has some folks nearby who will at least notice if they don’t see her for a day, but she struggles to re-remember why she can't socialize and why she can't see me. The plan was for me to fly down and help her get settled in, and close up and help sell her old condo (the proceeds from which are needed to finance her long-term care... so....???), but I'm not sure I'll be able to see her for... months? ?????
I had groceries delivered to her the other day, and she asked me why I drove away so fast. I reminded her I don't live in Florida. She couldn't remember where I live.
I don't know what to do with any of this. I have my health. We are still gainfully employed. The lights are still on. Beloved musicians aside, nobody I love has succumbed. The grinding background terror of the daily news aside, there are no major problems here. Why do I feel so bad?
You're carrying a very heavy load. No wonder you feel so bad. I'm sorry that you are living in such a difficult home situation right now. That must be very lonely. I'm sorry that nothing seems to make sense right now, that bad dreams and weight gain are invading your mind and body. And I am sorry that you can't be with your mom right now. That must be so hard - for you and for her. Yet you are the one carrying that weight for both of you. You say there are no major problems there but I don't think problems need to be "major" to hurt and hurt badly. I hope you can sit with that pain but maybe that's not possible. My heart is also breaking with the loss of John Prine. That thought repeatedly puts me on the edge of tears. I wish I could give you more than words but it's the best I can do right now. I'll send you an invisible hug. I hope you can feel it.
Also teens are just teens, don’t take it personally. I probably did similar things to my mother (running away from her), but it was not against her, it was just... I need some time by myself, away from her. To deal with teenage stuff. Friends, boyfriends, and whatnot. I hope I’m right about that at least...
I hope you're right about that, too. I have had a fraught relationship with my mom for most of my life (one of the reasons there's 1500 miles between us) so it's hard to NOT see this as karmic retribution/the past repeating itself. Mantra: I am not my mom. My daughter is not me.
I'm glad if I could do or say even one tiny thing that would make a difference. I know times when the words of others have made a difference for me. It made me feel a tiny bit less alone. I hope you can feel that.
I live in Iowa. One of the hold-out states. I've been sheltering in place since the beginning of March. Yet...here we are, with a governor who sticks to her feckless guns. I feel this rage and this grief and this sadness in my body and it's heavy as fuck.
On April 15, it will be six months since my mom died. She had COPD. I can't imagine what it would have been like to go through this while she was still alive. It was terrifying, worrying about any tiny cold wreaking havoc on her respiratory system. She had respiratory failure, nearly 3 years ago. She was intubated, twice. She was in the hospital for months. I was able to be there with her the whole time. Not only is it like horror flashbacks to hear/see/read these words and images, I simply cannot handle thinking about what it would be like to handle a loved one in that critical state at this time. I witnessed it when things were "calm" and it was still one of the most traumatic things I've been through. I can't imagine. My heart is so heavy. With my own sorrow and the collective sorrow and the imagined sorrow to come.
Up until today I had been "making the most of this..." enjoying the mental and emotional break from my stressful job, which I am not currently able to perform at this moment; the noticeably cleaner air; the gift of time to just think and be and try to reflect with gratitude for everyone who is working so hard to get us all through this. But today I just didn't have it in me. And now we know we will be compelled to stay at home for at least another 5 weeks minimum, and, and, and. It feels like too much today. Your message was so lovely, and so timely. Thank you.
You are so spot on. I felt the weight of our collective sadness today, and it’s more than I can take. And I say this as a financial planner who was suddenly widowed two years ago - so I can take a LOT. But this is too, too much today, so I’m sitting with you virtually because even the helpers - hell, ESPECIALLY the helpers - need a buddy so you can just be right now.
Today I'm trying your advice that you wrote in a letter to someone grieving that they should do one big physical task per day, like pulling weeds in the garden. This might sound selfish, but I keep pinning my sadness on the fact that I'm single. But I see posts from married friends and they "miss people" also. I'm someone who generally feels ok, even great when single, and now I don't recognize myself anymore--I'm sad for that. My big and vibrant social life+career kept me bouyant. Zoom isn't the same. I had a budding romance with someone in healthcare that got cut short because he now doesn't have time or headspace to keep in touch. I find myself unhealthily obsessing, even though I vowed to myself I would spend quarantine working on my big goals, rather than on dating or men. Maybe love is more important to me than I've admitted to myself. I know I need to find *love* elsewhere in the world in the general sense. I'm "working" on meditation like my life depends on it, in order to get comfortable to just "be", and breathe through discomfort. It helps for a bit. Logically I have everything I need, I'm healthy... have food and income. But my body still feels under attack with loneliness and grief for normal life, constantly wanting to crawl out of my skin. I'll come back and respond here if I can figure out a way to finally focus on those goals.
It takes a lot of work to fight the attack from loneliness and grief. Your desire for a return to real life, for the connections you have with friends (ZOOM is NO substitute for the genuine connection) , for the fun of a budding romance? It's real and the disappearance of these things is so hard. Keep with that breathing business and let it help you.
Ugh, thank you. Love this response. Doing yoga, or just moving intensely & freely (maybe even a little stoned ;) to some favorite transcendent, clubby music has also helped in the past. My good friend calls it exorcism <3.
Thank you. I was feeling crazy for not being able to move more work forward (all this free time now!) but trying to internalize that it was normal and ok to focus first on survival and mental health and maintain connections with others. Everyday stuff like even getting food takes twice as much work. Right now I'm trying to consider it an achievement if I get even one or a couple things crossed off my list.
I just re-read “Being Mortal” by Atul Gawande in the last couple of days. I found it very comforting. I don’t know why because it’s about death. But it’s a lot about our fear of death and of losing control and the things that become most important to us at the end. He’s a wonderful writer and I’d recommend the book. It helped me feel like I would be ok, no matter what, and helped me process the really dark and scary parts.
As always you’re wonderful, even the permission to feel sad is a gift right now. We just have to sit in this time, and that is the hardest part, not taking action or being able to. It is sad, we all hurt but take this from me, your words have given me comfort so often, and these words do today. Thank you for giving me space to say I feel sad and shitty, it helps.
Yes today has been saddest. The world is a totalt melt down and I also realized me and my boyfriend shouldnt be together. I cant deal with a break up or even break up thoughts on top of everything else right now, but feelings cant be ignored either. I dont know what the fuck to do. I cant imagine being alone again, after 3 years together with the bestest kindest person there is, who taught me what real love and not living a destructive life is.
Maybe give yourself 2 weeks to not make a decision, and then re-assess then? Emotions are super high right now and we're all overtaxed in an unnatural situation. When I was in college I went on a road trip with some close guy friends, and after taking the overnight shift driving, I was so annoyed by their behaviors the next day (playing radio so I couldn't sleep, general loosey-goosey stoner approach to things). I was thinking "I CAN NOT be friends with these people anymore." It was the lack of sleep and being cooped up with them talking. Unless he's being abusive at all, give it a little bit more time. You don't have to make the big decision right away.
I am having a hard time being a good mom. I took my kids for a walk and made them carry masks that they were to wear if we saw people. (We live in suburbia). After we saw some other walkers, I yelled at my 6 yr old when she dropped her (too large) cloth mask on the ground after I told her she could- after people were 15 feet away and the coast was clear-- we were close to our house. I am such an asshole. I then realized that they are a little clueless as to why I am having interspersed fits of anxiety and rage. This makes me think of Mother's Little Helper-- having hard time maintaining even keel. But, truly, it is a drag getting on. And, yet, I have much to be grateful for.
You might have much to be grateful for but it is also true that these are stressful days. Be. kind to yourself, please. I know how easy it is for parents to beat themselves up for not being always perfect. I suspect your children feel your fear and anxiety but they also feel your love and concern. You are not an asshole. You are a worried, stressed parent who is afraid for their children and the future. Maybe just be with them (the kids). Just sit and be with them. IDK
It is SO SAD and I am TIRED of it and I don’t WANT TO LIVE IN A PANDEMIC ANYMORE and I don’t WANT to live in a world that will never be the same I LIKED THE WORLD BEFORE I WANT THAT BACK I HATE THIS
Thought maybe it was just me. It helps, in a way, to know other people are going through the same. I am so lucky, so fortunate, in so many ways. But bad days still happen, and I need remember that that is ok. Thank you for opening the space to share. <3
For the last week or so my fiancee's been coming to bed at 3 am. Wednesday night was the same but I woke up in the process. We ended up just laying there in the darkness holding hands and crying for a while.
I've been having more and more worst days lately. Some time ago (it feels like decades, before any of this happened, so it must have been like last month), I told you on Twitter how I had applied to a summer program in NYC and then bought a plane ticket without knowing ether I was gonna be accepted, and you said something like "I feel you'll get in, but even if you don't, you'll take that trip and things will be good." and that brought me so much comfort at the time. Today is the last day they'll get in touch with applicants and I haven't heard from them yet, so I'm guessing I was not accepted, but the worst thing is I'm not even going to get a chance to go to NYC! I spent SO. MUCH. MONEY to apply to this shit. And then the whole world went sideways and upside down and the city I was so excited to visit again is grieving so much! I'm just so sad. I don't know what to do. I can't even cry.
I sort of feel okay, but maybe more okay than I really am. Last night I had a dream about camping in a beautiful field in the rain at the base of a steep hill, and I saw people walking off in the distance and thought about how I liked being alone, but also liked being with people, and that it was great either way. This morning, I was telling my partner about the dream, and how peaceful it was, and how it shows that I'm not anxious about everything. And then as I was saying all this, I remembered that in the dream, I had looked up the steep slope of that muddy hill and thought, "If there's an earthquake, that whole slope is going to come right down on top of my tent." So...that's where I'm at, I guess.
What a fascinating dream. It's interesting that you remembered that one fragment as you were recounting the dream. Perhaps being in the safe company of your partner allowed your subconscious to reveal that piece of anxiety to you?
Yes, it feels like all the sadness pent up since childhood finally has free reign to get its needs met. I just sit and let it. I know that a dip can mean solace and then a brighter tomorrow. How interconnected we are, to all feel each other’s sorrow. I’m sure we all have different images and symbols, some ancient, some new- but to know we are intertwined like a web, is interesting.
I wish I had somewhere to go and cry where I wouldn't feel like I was burdening someone else. Nobody wants to hear somebody who still has a job and their health complain. But everyone I know and love is suffering and my daughter is gonna get married without me and I want to cry until I throw up and I don't even have the fucking privacy to do that.
Fuck privacy, just go cry! I have a job and my health and you get to grieve not going to that wedding. You don't have to pretend you're not sad, just be sad. And register to vote by mail. xo
Love all of this and appreciate it so much. I think I need to remind myself that I can't control what I find each morning. I have to work with whatever I get. xo
The Today Programme in the UK interviewed a woman who had to say goodbye to her husband with their two children while swathed in layers and layers of protective gear, and he probably couldn't even hear her. And it was so unbearable and scary. And I felt bad for not JUST empathizing with them, but also praying it would leave my loved ones. So I'm not only sad but a bad person I guess.
This doesn't make you a bad person! Everyone is praying the same thing right now... we can pray for our loved ones to be OK and still empathize. Sending love.
Yes, please remember that both empathy and fear can exist at the same time. You are not a bad person. In fact, I think it is noble to care about the strangers who are facing death and it is noble to pray for your own loved ones.
I hate how you can't do anything when someone dies. It's so permanent, and there is nothing you can do, and they're never coming back. So finite, so abrupt. So jarring.
Thank you for this space. Today, and this week, really are the worst so far.
I've been trying for over 2 years to leave a job at a company that doesn't appreciate my hard work and talents and where I don't have a bright future. FINALLY in February I started interviewing for a dream opportunity. My third, incredible interview was on the Monday before my city started quarantining. The next week, the owner of that company put half the staff on unpaid leave. I haven't heard from them since.
This week, the company where I remained pushed out our top boss for some very shady reasons and there are now rumors publicly circulating that deep cuts are coming for the entire company. Naturally, the owners have for years promised "transparency" and "openness" from their mansions but have actually lied at every turn. I think (maybe, hopefully) my job — which I already was deeply unhappy with — is safe, but so many of my friends/colleagues will probably be cut loose at this awful time, with no good path forward. I'm so fucking angry that the ownership/management, who are the ACTUAL ones who did their jobs poorly and put the company in possible financial trouble are going to be just fine, while everyone who has diligently done their jobs as asked of them will be adrift. And I'm so so mad that I have to feel grateful to keep this job that has made me angry and sad every week for 2 years and is only going to get worse.
Ugh, I feel you so, SO hard, Kelsey--especially that last line. I just hate and despise and RESENT that I have to feel grateful for my miserable job at this sick system where I have to work.
I reached out to my ex bff a week ago and told her I hope she was well and safe. We were friends for 15 years and I was dumped for an unknown reason over a year ago. Never heard back from her. I'm not losing hope though. If anything I'm much more thankful for everything and appreciating people MORE. If they have bread at my local store, I feel like I've won the lottery and am so happy! I'm also eternally grateful for anyone putting themselves at risk -front line workers, even grocery store workers and garbage collectors to maintain some sense of "normality" during this stressful time.
Wednesday and Thursday were my hell days. I guess we're all just due for them & moving into the collective grief together. I'm so glad I stumbled onto you.
I read a China based person’s summary of their quarantine abd they described the 3d and 4th weeks as being a lot of ups and downs, a few dark days and these eventually passing for no reason. You just have to let the emotions pass I guess. Which you already know, I know. Personally went thru exactly that: super dark days, and the next day I’m fine abd I’m enjoying what I have (the sun and spring and getting to spend time with my parents I guess?). It’s really weird but I roll with these mood swings. Also NOT binging the news first thing in the AM helps... watching Community instead. Taking one day at a time helps. Not trying to fortune tell about the future and imagining disastrous scenarios helps,I just block that out like Larry David saying you should treat this as quitting smoking.
Also my constant mantra for this, fir whenever I start fortune telling : I KNOW THAT I DON’T KNOW.
I read your last lines, initially, as the refrain from "Ain't No Sunshine": "I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW. But, your line works too. That's so interesting re the person's experience in China.
It blurs together, a whole week of the saddest day. My father died from COVID-19 last Sunday. Yesterday, I ran a Zoom memorial, a transmedia shiva, for over a hundred people to share their memories and grieve. I was busy running the show, like the worst NPR pledge drive of all time. There are threats to make a tote bag. When it was done, so was I.
Thank you for articulating this. Everything felt so real today for the first time. I could barely get out of bed. I appreciate your thoughts and the fact that we are in this together.
Working from home has become incredibly stressful. Suddenly established work hours are no longer respected and I am bothered with work calls at night. My boss is a good person, but accuracy and productivity is expected at all times. I feel I need not only a new job, but a new career path entirely, and I don't know what that is.I felt this way before corona, but now is probably not the time to be looking because unemployment is so high. I am lost and depressed about it.
A good friend of mine died of cancer March 10. We worked together. Our desks were side by side. She was my partner at work and we knew so much about each other and socialized outside of work, too. I got to physically say goodbye to her March 5. The fact that I could not attend her funeral and pay my respects due to corona restrictions really crushe s me. She was 42.
The one year anniversary of my fiance s mothers death is this week. She was killed in an accident. My fiance was extremely close to her. I am scared for what this week will bring . We have been coexisting and haven't had any major issues. But I feel the storm c oming. I always feel i just have to be patient and understanding.
When I am not working i feel bored and wonder if I am just a boring person. Mostly I take walks and watch tv. When life is stripped down like this, is this all I am? I have been thinking about how I occupied my free time as a child.I liked to paint, play basketball, and write stories.I ordered a paint set and basketball online yesterday.
You don’t sound like a boring person at all. You sound thoughtful and empathetic and kind. Enjoy your rediscovery of things you once loved...but it’s totally ok to just take walks and watch tv. What you do isn’t who you are. Especially right now.
my dad died on monday and it really fucking sucks. i just want to stand outside and yell MY DAD DIED at everyone i meet. instead i am yelling it on twitter.
I'M SORRY. So so so sorry. I wish you could yell it, too.
I'd let you yell at me. Sending love.
I am so so sorry! What a horrible time. I will sit right next to you and hold your hand and you can just say it over and over again at me and I promise not to get tired of it or leave you alone until you want me to. Virtually speaking, of course.
I am so very sorry. Sending you love and support if you would like it, please know you are seen and heard. <3
I am so sorry. This make sob. However you process is okay. Sending you support.
Oh Victoria 💔
Sending you support, yell as much as you want.
I am so sorry. Losing my parents includes some of the hardest work I've ever done. I am glad you can yell it on Twitter. And then yell it again and again and again so you can be heard and held by arms that can't touch you right now.
I'm so so sorry.
{{{HUG}}} I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry. My therapist would say yell it into a pillow? Or somewhere no one can hear you.
That definitely fucking sucks. We hear you yelling. I hate that you are having to experience this with all the pandemic limitations, sorrows, fear, and angst. I'm so sorry your dad died.
I’m a woman in a 900 sq’ house with men who are sweet but don’t notice that I’ve been openly crying all day. They can’t express a feeling or notice someone else having one (millions). They’re super stoked their Xbox arrived in the mail today though. If not for my dog I would go out and start asking people to cough on me.
Thanks y’all. Also: they can’t fucking cook! And I’m a pro. The other day my husband yelled for step by step assistance making FROZEN PIZZA on a night I was too beat to cook (my mother lives alone 3000 miles away and fell in her 3rd floor walk up and broke her fucking pelvis and I managed her transport to the emergency room and hospital stay from home.) But typically these sweet clods are getting gourmet dinners every night while my insides crumble. I’m a den mother for a mini-frat. WAH! My heart breaks for the world and everyone good in it who has to witness and experience the useless cruelty of the systems that control us. The emotional devastation, the utter wreckage. My problems are small, but not being able to GO OUTSIDE and turn this heartbreak and rage into action, while also wanting to run and hide in a hole under a blanket, feeling simultaneously driven to help and paralyzed to do anything is so frustrating And confusing. I wish I had some cookies.
I can't stop laughing.
Let's Keep holding on.
This too will pass
Join them in playing Call of Duty and cry your heart out during. Then when you win from all of your sadness and rage, tell them to suck on that losers. Keep crying, keep raging.
I can get into this idea. It’s gonna take some weed. If I win they have to learn to cook.
That sounds horrible, but you made me laugh. Thank you! I lived in a 900 sq. ft house for 18 years in a marriage that eventually became intolerable... so I relate!
Exactly this. Brene Brown had a thing about Comparative Suffering that was resonant, like, you feel guilty for feeling bad because "it's so much worse for X and Y, I am very lucky" - but then when you squash your own grieving because you think you don't deserve to feel bad? You feel worse. And it festers. And apparently eats at your capacity for empathy. We can't compare our suffering - there will always be someone who has it worse in some way. We just have to sit with it, feel it, cope with it, and recover from it. I hit a wall yesterday myself so I informally "called in sick" to my WFH and I have been watching television that has a lot of humans touching. I'm touch starved and live alone and I would love to hold everyone's hand right now. We are here for you, Polly, for all the times you are here for us. And everyone else reading, we're not alone, even though safe in our houses we feel alone. Hold on to your gratitude and hold on to your grief. Just hold on. Thank you all for being part of this place.
I heard a really wise therapist talking about grief earlier this week...about how most cultures are bad at it because we try to fix it, but there's no fixing it...and how all anybody needs while grieving is accompaniment. What you're offering here is accompaniment. We need it. Thank you.
Thank you. Christ almighty, I really feel useless today. And I think it's because I've been resisting how sad I am for weeks, and trying to fix it. Thanks for this.
Of course. Yes, also have been resisting...now trying to give in. Credit where credit is due: The therapist was Hillary McBride (https://hillarylmcbride.com), and I heard her on a zoom live recording (because that's what we do now?) of the podcast The Liturgists.
I found the Liturgists just in time (ie just Before). <3
Yes! Quarantine made me finally start going to their Sunday gathering--beautiful seeing screens full of strangers' faces from all around the world.
Exactly. So well said.
I feel trapped in this stalled life. Things I thought I was building had to be abandoned, the person I wanted to be has to be contained until this passes. I feel a loss of a future. Thankful for the space to voice this, although it feels like screaming into the void. I miss touch. I miss being around the people I love. I miss living.
There is still a future there, somewhere, but it's so hard to see right now. I hear you clearly, and I'm really sorry! It's so fucking hard to just sit and be ok with this moment. It sucks. The best you can manage sometimes is just distraction or something difficult or taxing. Hang in there, you're not alone.
Thank you so much. <3
I just got divorced and I was going to be spending this time figuring out how not to make those mistakes, those choices again, and now I am figuring out how to make food out of ingredients, which is witchcraft. My therapy sessions are all "how are you coping with covid" and not "how are you learning to love yourself enough to not settle?" I'm settling every day now!
Making food out of ingredients IS witchcraft. At the end of this moment of suspended animation you’re going to emerge as a badass witch warrior goddess who knows how to love AND nourish herself. Hang in there. ❤️
Yes, yes it is a sad day. Yesterday I had car trouble and the AAA roadside assistance kept disconnecting my calls. Over and over. I don't feel I can call friends as most of mine are high risk and asking them to leave their homes is asking them to risk death. Car trouble is a nuisance, not a death sentence, I tried to reason with myself. But I could not stop sobbing. All the loss, all the fear, all the loneliness. I walked to an Autozone store, where I sobbed and asked for the part I thought I might need. They were kind and the guy behind the counter loaned me his personal socket wrench to make the repair. Halfway back to my car I had to sit down by the side of the road to rest and cry some more. I called my sister miles away. She talked me off the ledge and said you are handling it like a boss! An older gentleman in the parking lot helped me make the repair and it worked! People were kind, even in a terrifying time. I still came home crying and feel like I could go on for 300 years. Everything is a good bit more difficult in the time of covid-19. Today I feel much the same. And I tell myself, all of us are going to melt down at some point. My public sobfest won't be the only one. As long as some of us can carry on and offer comfort while others melt down, we will somehow walk each other (perhaps hobbling and limping) through this. Thanks for providing the space both literal and metaphorical to speak of this.
Ugh, I really felt this. That feeling of just melting down and not being able to move forward. It's good that your sister was there and it helped. And I also know that feeling of: Oh Jesus, today's going to be bad, too. I haven't felt this way in years, it's beyond daunting.
You handled it amazing. I would never know what part my car might need. You are a legend.
Look at all you dealt with and by yourself, be proud, you’re resilient and that take a lot right now.
Thank you. It does take a lot.
I miss my mom. She lives across the country and I was planning to go see her before all of this. She's always been my compass in the middle of a mess and now I'm trapped in my tiny home alone with two cat babies who are NOT humans and CANNOT hug me the same way my mom would. This fucking sucks. I JUST WANT A GD HUG FROM MY MOTHER. I HATE 45. I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS. ITS FINALLY 60 DEGREES AND I CANT GO OUT FUCKING SIDE. I HATE IT HERE. Thank you for this space, I really needed to get that out.<3
I so appreciate your use of caps. That is how I feel all the time right now. I am living a life in my head that is built of CAPS.
Today I began to consider the attention I'm paying to the terrifying changes in our country and in our world, as I would consider the codependent, obsessive attention an unhealthy person would pay to an abuser. This approach informs me how to limit my exposure and proceed living in a hopeful, joyful way.
Yes, YES. I've turned to the book "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie to work on interpersonal codependency obsessions, but I find it strangely addresses quarantine feelings too. Highly recommend. From page 99: "You panic so hard you start to go under. Then you remember--you're working too hard at this. You don't need to panic. All you need to do is breathe, relax, and go with the flow. You won't drown."
THANK YOU for book recommend and this x 100000000000000000
Buying this immediately. Thank you.
This x 100000!
I started fostering a pup two weeks ago. He’s been my only source of light since then, and I’ve been so thankful for his cuddles and company. Today I found out he’s been adopted and being picked up asap. I’ll be alone and the emptiness spreads unbearably ahead of me. I’ve managed to keep it together until now
It will be so hard to say goodbye to your little friend. Can you adopt your own squish so you have a sweet furry being to kick your tears and make you smile?
I’m definitely considering it!
The Dodo on YT has some AMAZING puppy videos that I've been watching for the past month. Pittie Nation is my favorite playlist. Also let's just adopt puppies rn!<3
Thank you! Will be taking look
Can you foster another one? I recently found out a neighbor has been constantly fostering kittens for the last 2 years cause she works at home. She loves it!
can we all reach into the depths of our guts and find our level 10 rage and scream THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGH!!!!!!!!!!!!
It would probably scare shit out of my dog and my elderly neighbors. And the kids who live accords the street. So maybe not. Let’s remember this feeling when we can go outside in groups again because its time for a riot.
THIS.
Two days ago I answered the phone at the hospital where I work. I had been waiting for a call back from the lab, but instead found myself talking to a patient’s family member.
‘Is my spouse still alive?’
It was the saddest question I have ever been asked, though the depth of it didn’t hit me at first. In truth I was frustrated and burned out, but was able to track down the patient’s nurse who could give more accurate answers. While I was on the line I was asked a series of harder questions.
‘Will he/she be intubated? What are his/her chances of survival?’
He/she was alive and stable but as for the other questions, I don’t know. No one knows. And for me thats the hardest part is not knowing how this will all shake out.
I have hope and I believe there will be better days ahead. But when that will be I am just not sure.
I'm sorry. I can't imagine. This sounds impossibly hard.
My mom has been dead for almost 34 years and I miss her so much today. I just want to curl up in her lap and have her scratch my back and tell it's all going to be ok.
Oh honey, your mom is always with you. Use that memory to comfort you, you’re gonna be ok. Sending you a virtual hug.
My dad has been dead for 23 years yet last night he held me in a dream. I cried and cried and cried and he held me. Not something he ever did in real life but I know he was there in the night. Somehow, somewhere, he was there.
I'm okay today, but I know I won't be okay another day. This reminds me of the grief when my dad died. I had a week where I only ate enchiladas at all, and drank margaritas for lunch every day. I know that work happened, that I got our son to school, that my wife traveled, that the calendar for those days exists, but I have no memories of it beyond red chile, salt, lime. March was like that week, over and over again. Fuck, now I need to make some red chile.
Ok, I'll vent. I'm trapped in a small house with my husband and teen daughter -- my two most fraught relationships, both getting more strained by the minute. When I come downstairs to hang out, they both tend to disappear. I walk around like a ghost, or a mummy tightly wrapped in a gauze of anxiety, just the sight of me making everyone flee.
I feel lonely in this company, yet I miss having true alone-time. I've started having a nightly drink. I'm finding it hard to sleep. When I do, I have very bad dreams. I’ve started exercising daily -- which is something I've never done before -- but I'm gaining weight faster than ever before. Nothing much has really changed in my day-to-day, but suddenly nothing works or makes any sense.
My 93-year-old mom, who has rapidly worsening memory issues, had just moved into an independent living unit in an eldercare facility on what was supposed to be a trial basis, just before the shit came down. Now she's essentially living in *solitary confinement* for the foreseeable future, 1,500 miles away from me in Florida. I am very grateful that she moved when she did and that she has some folks nearby who will at least notice if they don’t see her for a day, but she struggles to re-remember why she can't socialize and why she can't see me. The plan was for me to fly down and help her get settled in, and close up and help sell her old condo (the proceeds from which are needed to finance her long-term care... so....???), but I'm not sure I'll be able to see her for... months? ?????
I had groceries delivered to her the other day, and she asked me why I drove away so fast. I reminded her I don't live in Florida. She couldn't remember where I live.
I don't know what to do with any of this. I have my health. We are still gainfully employed. The lights are still on. Beloved musicians aside, nobody I love has succumbed. The grinding background terror of the daily news aside, there are no major problems here. Why do I feel so bad?
You're carrying a very heavy load. No wonder you feel so bad. I'm sorry that you are living in such a difficult home situation right now. That must be very lonely. I'm sorry that nothing seems to make sense right now, that bad dreams and weight gain are invading your mind and body. And I am sorry that you can't be with your mom right now. That must be so hard - for you and for her. Yet you are the one carrying that weight for both of you. You say there are no major problems there but I don't think problems need to be "major" to hurt and hurt badly. I hope you can sit with that pain but maybe that's not possible. My heart is also breaking with the loss of John Prine. That thought repeatedly puts me on the edge of tears. I wish I could give you more than words but it's the best I can do right now. I'll send you an invisible hug. I hope you can feel it.
Thank you so much for these words. ❤️ More helpful than you know.
Also teens are just teens, don’t take it personally. I probably did similar things to my mother (running away from her), but it was not against her, it was just... I need some time by myself, away from her. To deal with teenage stuff. Friends, boyfriends, and whatnot. I hope I’m right about that at least...
Sending you a virtual hug too ! !
I hope you're right about that, too. I have had a fraught relationship with my mom for most of my life (one of the reasons there's 1500 miles between us) so it's hard to NOT see this as karmic retribution/the past repeating itself. Mantra: I am not my mom. My daughter is not me.
I'm glad if I could do or say even one tiny thing that would make a difference. I know times when the words of others have made a difference for me. It made me feel a tiny bit less alone. I hope you can feel that.
If nothing else, at least you didn't flee when I showed up. ;)
I can!! <3
I live in Iowa. One of the hold-out states. I've been sheltering in place since the beginning of March. Yet...here we are, with a governor who sticks to her feckless guns. I feel this rage and this grief and this sadness in my body and it's heavy as fuck.
On April 15, it will be six months since my mom died. She had COPD. I can't imagine what it would have been like to go through this while she was still alive. It was terrifying, worrying about any tiny cold wreaking havoc on her respiratory system. She had respiratory failure, nearly 3 years ago. She was intubated, twice. She was in the hospital for months. I was able to be there with her the whole time. Not only is it like horror flashbacks to hear/see/read these words and images, I simply cannot handle thinking about what it would be like to handle a loved one in that critical state at this time. I witnessed it when things were "calm" and it was still one of the most traumatic things I've been through. I can't imagine. My heart is so heavy. With my own sorrow and the collective sorrow and the imagined sorrow to come.
Yes.
I've been crying for 90 minutes so far. I just want to sit with you too.
Up until today I had been "making the most of this..." enjoying the mental and emotional break from my stressful job, which I am not currently able to perform at this moment; the noticeably cleaner air; the gift of time to just think and be and try to reflect with gratitude for everyone who is working so hard to get us all through this. But today I just didn't have it in me. And now we know we will be compelled to stay at home for at least another 5 weeks minimum, and, and, and. It feels like too much today. Your message was so lovely, and so timely. Thank you.
You are so spot on. I felt the weight of our collective sadness today, and it’s more than I can take. And I say this as a financial planner who was suddenly widowed two years ago - so I can take a LOT. But this is too, too much today, so I’m sitting with you virtually because even the helpers - hell, ESPECIALLY the helpers - need a buddy so you can just be right now.
Today I'm trying your advice that you wrote in a letter to someone grieving that they should do one big physical task per day, like pulling weeds in the garden. This might sound selfish, but I keep pinning my sadness on the fact that I'm single. But I see posts from married friends and they "miss people" also. I'm someone who generally feels ok, even great when single, and now I don't recognize myself anymore--I'm sad for that. My big and vibrant social life+career kept me bouyant. Zoom isn't the same. I had a budding romance with someone in healthcare that got cut short because he now doesn't have time or headspace to keep in touch. I find myself unhealthily obsessing, even though I vowed to myself I would spend quarantine working on my big goals, rather than on dating or men. Maybe love is more important to me than I've admitted to myself. I know I need to find *love* elsewhere in the world in the general sense. I'm "working" on meditation like my life depends on it, in order to get comfortable to just "be", and breathe through discomfort. It helps for a bit. Logically I have everything I need, I'm healthy... have food and income. But my body still feels under attack with loneliness and grief for normal life, constantly wanting to crawl out of my skin. I'll come back and respond here if I can figure out a way to finally focus on those goals.
It takes a lot of work to fight the attack from loneliness and grief. Your desire for a return to real life, for the connections you have with friends (ZOOM is NO substitute for the genuine connection) , for the fun of a budding romance? It's real and the disappearance of these things is so hard. Keep with that breathing business and let it help you.
Ugh, thank you. Love this response. Doing yoga, or just moving intensely & freely (maybe even a little stoned ;) to some favorite transcendent, clubby music has also helped in the past. My good friend calls it exorcism <3.
Yes, a little stoned can go a long way. 🤗
@Andi I am an expert at guilting myself for what I'm not doing. I found this helpful https://www.chronicle.com/article/Why-You-Should-Ignore-All-That/248366
Thank you. I was feeling crazy for not being able to move more work forward (all this free time now!) but trying to internalize that it was normal and ok to focus first on survival and mental health and maintain connections with others. Everyday stuff like even getting food takes twice as much work. Right now I'm trying to consider it an achievement if I get even one or a couple things crossed off my list.
Oh my gosh I went shopping today, and it's so exhausting. Some days are better than others, and that's ok.
I just re-read “Being Mortal” by Atul Gawande in the last couple of days. I found it very comforting. I don’t know why because it’s about death. But it’s a lot about our fear of death and of losing control and the things that become most important to us at the end. He’s a wonderful writer and I’d recommend the book. It helped me feel like I would be ok, no matter what, and helped me process the really dark and scary parts.
Thanks for reminding me I want to read that. He's a wonderful writer!
As always you’re wonderful, even the permission to feel sad is a gift right now. We just have to sit in this time, and that is the hardest part, not taking action or being able to. It is sad, we all hurt but take this from me, your words have given me comfort so often, and these words do today. Thank you for giving me space to say I feel sad and shitty, it helps.
Yes today has been saddest. The world is a totalt melt down and I also realized me and my boyfriend shouldnt be together. I cant deal with a break up or even break up thoughts on top of everything else right now, but feelings cant be ignored either. I dont know what the fuck to do. I cant imagine being alone again, after 3 years together with the bestest kindest person there is, who taught me what real love and not living a destructive life is.
Maybe give yourself 2 weeks to not make a decision, and then re-assess then? Emotions are super high right now and we're all overtaxed in an unnatural situation. When I was in college I went on a road trip with some close guy friends, and after taking the overnight shift driving, I was so annoyed by their behaviors the next day (playing radio so I couldn't sleep, general loosey-goosey stoner approach to things). I was thinking "I CAN NOT be friends with these people anymore." It was the lack of sleep and being cooped up with them talking. Unless he's being abusive at all, give it a little bit more time. You don't have to make the big decision right away.
Good advice.
I am having a hard time being a good mom. I took my kids for a walk and made them carry masks that they were to wear if we saw people. (We live in suburbia). After we saw some other walkers, I yelled at my 6 yr old when she dropped her (too large) cloth mask on the ground after I told her she could- after people were 15 feet away and the coast was clear-- we were close to our house. I am such an asshole. I then realized that they are a little clueless as to why I am having interspersed fits of anxiety and rage. This makes me think of Mother's Little Helper-- having hard time maintaining even keel. But, truly, it is a drag getting on. And, yet, I have much to be grateful for.
You might have much to be grateful for but it is also true that these are stressful days. Be. kind to yourself, please. I know how easy it is for parents to beat themselves up for not being always perfect. I suspect your children feel your fear and anxiety but they also feel your love and concern. You are not an asshole. You are a worried, stressed parent who is afraid for their children and the future. Maybe just be with them (the kids). Just sit and be with them. IDK
Thank you.
1000% this. These feelings come and go, but sometimes they're just so big.
It is SO SAD and I am TIRED of it and I don’t WANT TO LIVE IN A PANDEMIC ANYMORE and I don’t WANT to live in a world that will never be the same I LIKED THE WORLD BEFORE I WANT THAT BACK I HATE THIS
Thought maybe it was just me. It helps, in a way, to know other people are going through the same. I am so lucky, so fortunate, in so many ways. But bad days still happen, and I need remember that that is ok. Thank you for opening the space to share. <3
Thank you. There's no reason why today is worse than the other days. I guess it just is.
Yeah. Bad day for me too. The worst so far.
For the last week or so my fiancee's been coming to bed at 3 am. Wednesday night was the same but I woke up in the process. We ended up just laying there in the darkness holding hands and crying for a while.
💔 this is a pandemic poem😔
I've been having more and more worst days lately. Some time ago (it feels like decades, before any of this happened, so it must have been like last month), I told you on Twitter how I had applied to a summer program in NYC and then bought a plane ticket without knowing ether I was gonna be accepted, and you said something like "I feel you'll get in, but even if you don't, you'll take that trip and things will be good." and that brought me so much comfort at the time. Today is the last day they'll get in touch with applicants and I haven't heard from them yet, so I'm guessing I was not accepted, but the worst thing is I'm not even going to get a chance to go to NYC! I spent SO. MUCH. MONEY to apply to this shit. And then the whole world went sideways and upside down and the city I was so excited to visit again is grieving so much! I'm just so sad. I don't know what to do. I can't even cry.
I'm sorry!!!
Can you stomp your feet and yell at the top of your lungs? That's what I would be doing. I would be angry and sad and disappointed. And I would yell.
I sort of feel okay, but maybe more okay than I really am. Last night I had a dream about camping in a beautiful field in the rain at the base of a steep hill, and I saw people walking off in the distance and thought about how I liked being alone, but also liked being with people, and that it was great either way. This morning, I was telling my partner about the dream, and how peaceful it was, and how it shows that I'm not anxious about everything. And then as I was saying all this, I remembered that in the dream, I had looked up the steep slope of that muddy hill and thought, "If there's an earthquake, that whole slope is going to come right down on top of my tent." So...that's where I'm at, I guess.
What a fascinating dream. It's interesting that you remembered that one fragment as you were recounting the dream. Perhaps being in the safe company of your partner allowed your subconscious to reveal that piece of anxiety to you?
Yes, it feels like all the sadness pent up since childhood finally has free reign to get its needs met. I just sit and let it. I know that a dip can mean solace and then a brighter tomorrow. How interconnected we are, to all feel each other’s sorrow. I’m sure we all have different images and symbols, some ancient, some new- but to know we are intertwined like a web, is interesting.
I wish I had somewhere to go and cry where I wouldn't feel like I was burdening someone else. Nobody wants to hear somebody who still has a job and their health complain. But everyone I know and love is suffering and my daughter is gonna get married without me and I want to cry until I throw up and I don't even have the fucking privacy to do that.
Fuck privacy, just go cry! I have a job and my health and you get to grieve not going to that wedding. You don't have to pretend you're not sad, just be sad. And register to vote by mail. xo
I'm so sorry that your daughter is going to get married with out you. That is such a big disappointment. I would be crying too.
Is this title a reference to "The Blackest Day" by Lana Del Rey? I'm craving it now. Putting it on. Let's feel it out.
"Carry me home, don't wanna talk about the things to come
Just put your hands up in the air, the radio on
'Cause there's nothing for us to talk about
Like the future and those things
'Cause there's nothing for me to think about
Now that he's gone, I can't feel nothing
Ever since my baby went away
It's been the blackest day, it's been the blackest day
All I hear is Billie Holiday
It's all that I play
It's all that I play"
Love all of this and appreciate it so much. I think I need to remind myself that I can't control what I find each morning. I have to work with whatever I get. xo
That's how life is -- we have to play it straight from the top, in one take, with no overdubs. That's what makes it real.
somehow you managed to write this and choose this beautiful artwork and hit send, thank you for finding that energy--i'm with you and the rest of us
The Today Programme in the UK interviewed a woman who had to say goodbye to her husband with their two children while swathed in layers and layers of protective gear, and he probably couldn't even hear her. And it was so unbearable and scary. And I felt bad for not JUST empathizing with them, but also praying it would leave my loved ones. So I'm not only sad but a bad person I guess.
This doesn't make you a bad person! Everyone is praying the same thing right now... we can pray for our loved ones to be OK and still empathize. Sending love.
Yes, please remember that both empathy and fear can exist at the same time. You are not a bad person. In fact, I think it is noble to care about the strangers who are facing death and it is noble to pray for your own loved ones.
I hate how you can't do anything when someone dies. It's so permanent, and there is nothing you can do, and they're never coming back. So finite, so abrupt. So jarring.
Thank you for this space. Today, and this week, really are the worst so far.
I've been trying for over 2 years to leave a job at a company that doesn't appreciate my hard work and talents and where I don't have a bright future. FINALLY in February I started interviewing for a dream opportunity. My third, incredible interview was on the Monday before my city started quarantining. The next week, the owner of that company put half the staff on unpaid leave. I haven't heard from them since.
This week, the company where I remained pushed out our top boss for some very shady reasons and there are now rumors publicly circulating that deep cuts are coming for the entire company. Naturally, the owners have for years promised "transparency" and "openness" from their mansions but have actually lied at every turn. I think (maybe, hopefully) my job — which I already was deeply unhappy with — is safe, but so many of my friends/colleagues will probably be cut loose at this awful time, with no good path forward. I'm so fucking angry that the ownership/management, who are the ACTUAL ones who did their jobs poorly and put the company in possible financial trouble are going to be just fine, while everyone who has diligently done their jobs as asked of them will be adrift. And I'm so so mad that I have to feel grateful to keep this job that has made me angry and sad every week for 2 years and is only going to get worse.
Ugh, I feel you so, SO hard, Kelsey--especially that last line. I just hate and despise and RESENT that I have to feel grateful for my miserable job at this sick system where I have to work.
I reached out to my ex bff a week ago and told her I hope she was well and safe. We were friends for 15 years and I was dumped for an unknown reason over a year ago. Never heard back from her. I'm not losing hope though. If anything I'm much more thankful for everything and appreciating people MORE. If they have bread at my local store, I feel like I've won the lottery and am so happy! I'm also eternally grateful for anyone putting themselves at risk -front line workers, even grocery store workers and garbage collectors to maintain some sense of "normality" during this stressful time.
Wednesday and Thursday were my hell days. I guess we're all just due for them & moving into the collective grief together. I'm so glad I stumbled onto you.
I read a China based person’s summary of their quarantine abd they described the 3d and 4th weeks as being a lot of ups and downs, a few dark days and these eventually passing for no reason. You just have to let the emotions pass I guess. Which you already know, I know. Personally went thru exactly that: super dark days, and the next day I’m fine abd I’m enjoying what I have (the sun and spring and getting to spend time with my parents I guess?). It’s really weird but I roll with these mood swings. Also NOT binging the news first thing in the AM helps... watching Community instead. Taking one day at a time helps. Not trying to fortune tell about the future and imagining disastrous scenarios helps,I just block that out like Larry David saying you should treat this as quitting smoking.
Also my constant mantra for this, fir whenever I start fortune telling : I KNOW THAT I DON’T KNOW.
I read your last lines, initially, as the refrain from "Ain't No Sunshine": "I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW. But, your line works too. That's so interesting re the person's experience in China.
Bill <3
Oh yeah and music helps tremendously. It strangely sounds better than ever?
It blurs together, a whole week of the saddest day. My father died from COVID-19 last Sunday. Yesterday, I ran a Zoom memorial, a transmedia shiva, for over a hundred people to share their memories and grieve. I was busy running the show, like the worst NPR pledge drive of all time. There are threats to make a tote bag. When it was done, so was I.
Jay, I am so sorry. So so sorry. May his memory be a blessing, and may you rest in grace for now. And now, and now.
I'm so, so sorry. I held the memorial for my Mom (some years ago) at my apartment. When it was over, I tore my meniscus. My heart goes out to you.
Thank you for articulating this. Everything felt so real today for the first time. I could barely get out of bed. I appreciate your thoughts and the fact that we are in this together.
here
Working from home has become incredibly stressful. Suddenly established work hours are no longer respected and I am bothered with work calls at night. My boss is a good person, but accuracy and productivity is expected at all times. I feel I need not only a new job, but a new career path entirely, and I don't know what that is.I felt this way before corona, but now is probably not the time to be looking because unemployment is so high. I am lost and depressed about it.
A good friend of mine died of cancer March 10. We worked together. Our desks were side by side. She was my partner at work and we knew so much about each other and socialized outside of work, too. I got to physically say goodbye to her March 5. The fact that I could not attend her funeral and pay my respects due to corona restrictions really crushe s me. She was 42.
The one year anniversary of my fiance s mothers death is this week. She was killed in an accident. My fiance was extremely close to her. I am scared for what this week will bring . We have been coexisting and haven't had any major issues. But I feel the storm c oming. I always feel i just have to be patient and understanding.
When I am not working i feel bored and wonder if I am just a boring person. Mostly I take walks and watch tv. When life is stripped down like this, is this all I am? I have been thinking about how I occupied my free time as a child.I liked to paint, play basketball, and write stories.I ordered a paint set and basketball online yesterday.
You don’t sound like a boring person at all. You sound thoughtful and empathetic and kind. Enjoy your rediscovery of things you once loved...but it’s totally ok to just take walks and watch tv. What you do isn’t who you are. Especially right now.
Thank you. I really needed this today.