I can really relate to this letter because it's hard for my brain to do more than one thing at a time. Life is so much simpler when you only have one single priority! But I've come to see that single-spot focus as a kind of learning disability, like dyslexia.
I love accomplishing things and I'm very goal oriented, but I also have ADHD with a lil' sprinkle of autism. My boundless enthusiasm and hyperfocus means that whatever I do, I do 1000%!!! Until I fall over and die! Job! Crush! Art project! Volunteering! A lot of people call this "perfectionism" and "overachieving" but those words aren't as helpful for me as words like "hyperfixation" and "task switching deficit".
In order to keep my life from being totally out of whack, I have collected a lifetime of tricks that I use regularly. I put things on my to do list like "eat breakfast" and "eat lunch". I set timers for myself so that I don't work on things too long. I do qi gong and go for long walks. I tell my partner and friends my plans for the day, week, month, year, so they can help me get perspective on what's reasonable to accomplish. And the older I get, the easier things are, because I can recognize when to ride the wave of deep enthusiasm to victory, and when to bail before I hit the rocks.
Letter writer, it really will get easier with time. When you are feeling crazy, take a break, get exercise, take a nap, know that your abilities to work AND love will still be there when you get back.
When my mom got married to my dad, she also had her PhD and a promising career. She ended up quitting a toxic job, and then my dad got injured and she stayed home to help him, and then ended up having kids (two of whom were special needs) and one thing lead to another and she didn’t work again until I was 18 years old, and even then it was just an underpaid part-time gig. While my parents are still together, it’s a pretty loveless marriage and she feels trapped because the gaps in her resume made it so she can never get the jobs she used to have, and either way nobody is going to hire someone who is about to turn 70. I’ve talked to my dad about what happened, and he says part of why he fell in love with her was because she used to be so interesting, and then she lost her identity and became boring. They didn’t have anything in common, anything to talk about. He does accept responsibility for enabling her to give up her career and did his best to raise me to not make the same mistakes.
At the same time, when I met my husband he was actively planning to move across the country. He moved to our area right before COVID hit and didn’t have any real attachment, and could work remotely. I never asked him to stay, but I did intentionally introduce him to my (amazing) group of friends to show him the benefits of settling down - at least for a little while. We never had big fireworks, it was a slow progression. He even complained to people that it was kind of boring compared to his previous romances.
It’s all about balance. Not losing yourself, but also allowing someone to come in and enrich your life. Someone who encourages you to grow and be yourself.
This is the kind of advice I wish my many, many, MANY certified therapists had given me (seriously, where do I file for a refund?). But more than that, the fact that YOU took the time to respond to MY letter feels almost surreal. Some of the insights you shared were so eerily accurate, I wouldn’t be surprised if a little bit of witchcraft was involved.
At 20, I would have been screaming and doing cartwheels. At 26, I’m sitting here quietly grateful - though, admittedly, still low-key screaming - because, for years, this column has been my escape when life felt anything but anti-flaw, anti-failure, and anti-compromise. Fangirling aside (though it’s not easy to contain!!) thank you for caring. For offering a response to a stranger halfway across the globe - one that wasn’t just thoughtful, but deeply valuable. The part about slowing down hit me in a way I didn’t realize I needed. I’ve been running on autopilot for so long, and for the first time in a while, I feel like I can actually stop and take a breath. And already, everything feels a little less frantic.
I’ve made sure this letter is saved across all my devices - it’s that important to me. Through your words, I am finding the courage to believe that maybe, just maybe, I can choose both - because why the heck not?! So here I am, officially pumping the brakes, and for the first time, it doesn’t feel like a failure - it feels like hope. Thank you for this beautiful reminder, Polly. Love you endlessly.
I read A LOT of your advice in my 20s and it helped a lot. But I definitely wish I could have read this one in my 20s! You deeply understand this type (my type) of brain & your gifts do not go unnoticed.
I’d love to read more of the LW’s writing, she sounds passionate and clever. Grateful for Polly’s advice because, as always, it is so timely and so resonant:
“Notice the times when you lose yourself, and focus on moving back into your body, increasing your awareness of the moment, and allowing the imperfect contours of the world to be what they are without trying to control them. The more you calmly connect to who you are and where you are, the easier it will be to assert your beliefs, desires, and boundaries without fear. When you show up and you’re calm and direct, choices become simpler. Relationships become simpler. Career paths feel easier.”
Okay, I love the fact that I’m 57 and AGNB is 27 and although I do not relate directly to the life experience she brings to you, I so relate to YOUR ADVICE. I guess you speak my language, Heather! And at 57, I’m far from done developing fully as a human. And instead of that being awful as I would have thought when I was 27, it’s both terrifying and wonderful.
Okay, this had me in tears. This is the compassionate and honest letter I needed to read in my early twenties. I also was raised on Bollywood movies and told to be superwoman in everything. When I met my kind and gentle husband in my early twenties, I fell into all or nothing thinking. It took me years to fully internalize that those extremes were traps, that in order to live the way I dreamt of, I had to truly face myself. It was a difficult and often painful process but one that led to a life beyond my greatest dreams. Thank you for your wisdom. My twenty-one year old self and current self are both so grateful.
“I defined pleasure and satisfaction as coming from outside forces. It didn’t even occur to me that I was in charge” Polly you broke my brain in the best way possible
I can really relate to this letter because it's hard for my brain to do more than one thing at a time. Life is so much simpler when you only have one single priority! But I've come to see that single-spot focus as a kind of learning disability, like dyslexia.
I love accomplishing things and I'm very goal oriented, but I also have ADHD with a lil' sprinkle of autism. My boundless enthusiasm and hyperfocus means that whatever I do, I do 1000%!!! Until I fall over and die! Job! Crush! Art project! Volunteering! A lot of people call this "perfectionism" and "overachieving" but those words aren't as helpful for me as words like "hyperfixation" and "task switching deficit".
In order to keep my life from being totally out of whack, I have collected a lifetime of tricks that I use regularly. I put things on my to do list like "eat breakfast" and "eat lunch". I set timers for myself so that I don't work on things too long. I do qi gong and go for long walks. I tell my partner and friends my plans for the day, week, month, year, so they can help me get perspective on what's reasonable to accomplish. And the older I get, the easier things are, because I can recognize when to ride the wave of deep enthusiasm to victory, and when to bail before I hit the rocks.
Letter writer, it really will get easier with time. When you are feeling crazy, take a break, get exercise, take a nap, know that your abilities to work AND love will still be there when you get back.
When my mom got married to my dad, she also had her PhD and a promising career. She ended up quitting a toxic job, and then my dad got injured and she stayed home to help him, and then ended up having kids (two of whom were special needs) and one thing lead to another and she didn’t work again until I was 18 years old, and even then it was just an underpaid part-time gig. While my parents are still together, it’s a pretty loveless marriage and she feels trapped because the gaps in her resume made it so she can never get the jobs she used to have, and either way nobody is going to hire someone who is about to turn 70. I’ve talked to my dad about what happened, and he says part of why he fell in love with her was because she used to be so interesting, and then she lost her identity and became boring. They didn’t have anything in common, anything to talk about. He does accept responsibility for enabling her to give up her career and did his best to raise me to not make the same mistakes.
At the same time, when I met my husband he was actively planning to move across the country. He moved to our area right before COVID hit and didn’t have any real attachment, and could work remotely. I never asked him to stay, but I did intentionally introduce him to my (amazing) group of friends to show him the benefits of settling down - at least for a little while. We never had big fireworks, it was a slow progression. He even complained to people that it was kind of boring compared to his previous romances.
It’s all about balance. Not losing yourself, but also allowing someone to come in and enrich your life. Someone who encourages you to grow and be yourself.
“When you show up and you’re calm and direct, choices become simpler. Relationships become simpler. Career paths feel easier.”
Thank you for this much-needed reminder about how to get out of a funk. ❤️
This is the kind of advice I wish my many, many, MANY certified therapists had given me (seriously, where do I file for a refund?). But more than that, the fact that YOU took the time to respond to MY letter feels almost surreal. Some of the insights you shared were so eerily accurate, I wouldn’t be surprised if a little bit of witchcraft was involved.
At 20, I would have been screaming and doing cartwheels. At 26, I’m sitting here quietly grateful - though, admittedly, still low-key screaming - because, for years, this column has been my escape when life felt anything but anti-flaw, anti-failure, and anti-compromise. Fangirling aside (though it’s not easy to contain!!) thank you for caring. For offering a response to a stranger halfway across the globe - one that wasn’t just thoughtful, but deeply valuable. The part about slowing down hit me in a way I didn’t realize I needed. I’ve been running on autopilot for so long, and for the first time in a while, I feel like I can actually stop and take a breath. And already, everything feels a little less frantic.
I’ve made sure this letter is saved across all my devices - it’s that important to me. Through your words, I am finding the courage to believe that maybe, just maybe, I can choose both - because why the heck not?! So here I am, officially pumping the brakes, and for the first time, it doesn’t feel like a failure - it feels like hope. Thank you for this beautiful reminder, Polly. Love you endlessly.
Wow, thank you for this nice note, and for your delightful letter. I feel very happy and excited for you! You're in the right place.
I read A LOT of your advice in my 20s and it helped a lot. But I definitely wish I could have read this one in my 20s! You deeply understand this type (my type) of brain & your gifts do not go unnoticed.
THANK YOU!
Welp. I did not write this letter, but I'm damn sure receiving the response! ;)
Not exactly the same life circumstances, but some lines clearly hit pain points. Thank you.
There needs to be a compilation of advice you’ve given to people in their 20’s. It’s masterful. I would eat it up!!!
I’d love to read more of the LW’s writing, she sounds passionate and clever. Grateful for Polly’s advice because, as always, it is so timely and so resonant:
“Notice the times when you lose yourself, and focus on moving back into your body, increasing your awareness of the moment, and allowing the imperfect contours of the world to be what they are without trying to control them. The more you calmly connect to who you are and where you are, the easier it will be to assert your beliefs, desires, and boundaries without fear. When you show up and you’re calm and direct, choices become simpler. Relationships become simpler. Career paths feel easier.”
No! You can easily have both.
Why should there be a choice?
Okay, I love the fact that I’m 57 and AGNB is 27 and although I do not relate directly to the life experience she brings to you, I so relate to YOUR ADVICE. I guess you speak my language, Heather! And at 57, I’m far from done developing fully as a human. And instead of that being awful as I would have thought when I was 27, it’s both terrifying and wonderful.
GRACIAS
Okay, this had me in tears. This is the compassionate and honest letter I needed to read in my early twenties. I also was raised on Bollywood movies and told to be superwoman in everything. When I met my kind and gentle husband in my early twenties, I fell into all or nothing thinking. It took me years to fully internalize that those extremes were traps, that in order to live the way I dreamt of, I had to truly face myself. It was a difficult and often painful process but one that led to a life beyond my greatest dreams. Thank you for your wisdom. My twenty-one year old self and current self are both so grateful.
I read this thinking it wasn’t really for me, and that I wouldn’t really find much in it.. and HA HA HA 🤡
“I defined pleasure and satisfaction as coming from outside forces. It didn’t even occur to me that I was in charge” Polly you broke my brain in the best way possible
FELICES MUCHOS FOTOS
FELICES