The idea of self-care attracts so much scorn online. Our culture reflexively insults anything that sounds remotely like a woman thing, of course, but it goes beyond that. We actually confuse self-protection, self-acceptance, strong boundaries, and personal enjoyment with selfishness, particularly in women.
It’s no wonder so many of us start to associate pleasing ourselves with becoming some form of non-compliant misfit who takes too many bubble baths. But once you start to understand (and feel inside your cells!) that you actually deserve to seek out joy and satisfaction, a veil is lifted. Suddenly you recognize how you compulsively block your own path to happiness out of some misguided compulsion to stay small and serve others.
This is another huge topic, but I thought that, given today’s Ask Polly on addiction, codependence, and blame, it might be good to talk about the ways we punish ourselves (often without noticing) and also discuss how to resist those bad habits and treat ourselves with care instead.
I punished myself for years with not allowing myself things in the form of an eating disorder (about ages 14-25). Recovering from that set me on a path in my 20s where I had to heal physically...but the real surprise was that once my body was a bit better I had all these crazy, demanding feelings all the sudden where I didn't before. I had depression and terrible social and generalized anxiety too (which therapy and some time on medication helped to level out). Most of those crazy, squiggly feelings were encased in so much anger for a long time that it was hard to see much beyond all the ways I'd been wronged by people in the past and was being wronged by people in the present. Once things settled down more in my mid-twenties, I started to realize I had a big empty space inside that was comprised of a lot of fear and shame about a lot of things other than my body. My worth as a human, my ability to take up space emotionally, my ability to be loved and not neglected or left for trash. I was lacking hobbies that made me feel accomplished, knowing what movies or songs I liked, and just being able to discern what felt pleasurable. It's been a slow path back to those things, but I've been fortunate to have good therapy at different points for these things as I have learned (I can kick a bad therapist to the curb quickly - if they don't both help you feel safe sharing but also challenge and engage you on an emotional level it's moot), and I also have more good people in my life that are very "elephantine" and encourage me to feel all the things without judgment. I don't even really see myself as someone who had an eating disorder anymore, but I often check myself when I'm making choices that deny my own pleasure in favor of someone else's, or defer the hobbies that I enjoy in favor of not feeling like a failure or shameful. The most ironic thing is probably how I avoid the displeasure of starting something I will not be perfect at (like art or writing) to remain comfortable, but the pleasure of just working at these things almost always outweighs the initial displeasure of the fear. I'm learning how to engage more with that kind of displeasure, and not the other non-nourishing kinds- like the kind that tells you one of your avoidant exes is your person (let go of that one at this point!) or the kind you get from starving or going without. I had to learn some of this stuff to not die physically, since I got pretty close at 19, but I'd say a lot of it came out of dissatisfaction with a half-life of having an alive body that didn't know how to feel good and mostly felt terrible. Thank god for the displeasure that led me here. Thank you for doing these sharing posts, and contributing to community here when the internet is super divisive and terrible in a lot of ways. It really creates a pinpoint of light to see people reaching out to one another here. And I hope sharing this helps someone or gives them encouragement ❤️
I love all of this so much. You've distilled so many things I've felt and gone through, and done it so concisely (cue my own shame over how fucking long-winded I am!).
I particularly relate to this:
"The most ironic thing is probably how I avoid the displeasure of starting something I will not be perfect at (like art or writing)."
I'm very aware of this in my life. I've often avoided experimenting or even revising sometimes because I dislike the sensation that I'm far out to sea and have to build a new kind of boat to get back to the safety of dry land. And when I'm out to sea, my brain says, "Goddamn you're bad at this!" instead of "Wow, this is cool, what are you going to do next? This is exciting and good!" So I'm trying to reprogram myself to savor the uncertainty of that experience, instead of settling into some shameful, fearful space that makes me want to run away and stop trying new things.
Also applies to new friendships with people who I experience as more accomplished or confident than me -- anyone who seems calm in a way that I'm not calm, or triggers some certainty that I'm WAY BEHIND them on some level. I mean, we're all good at different things and we've all dedicated our energies to different areas. That should feel normal, but someone there's a voice that says YOU SHOULD BE GOOD AT EVERYTHING.
Maybe the way to counter that is by embracing the message "I will fumble and be bad at a few things today!" as a kind of humble, sensual goal where trying and feeling out to sea and failing *is the actual point*.
Holy crap, hello! I was so excited when I saw you commented on this and soaked up the praise.
But I did want to say, I ran into your writing (headfirst!) back in 2018 when I was temporarily staying with my dad and in a baaad place. I was looking for a new job, feeling ashamed about so many things, and got lucky enough to stumble into reading Ask Polly. I soaked it up so hard. I took a real shit job that I worked hard at for a year and a half based on some of your writing that was like hey, not doing stuff isn't a solution - and a lot of jobs just suck (but also our relation to their meaning, too). And that job sucked so hard, but later on I ended up with the best boss I'd ever had who said things like "take rest, things will be ok without you for a day" when i was sick, and who encouraged me to let certain things go to shit in the corporate environment so that the upper-levels would NOTICE THEIR STINK AND BE INCLINED TO FIX THEM. And jesus, so, your writing led to this happening and this woman changed my work life also (that seems to be a theme the last few years; I wasn't close to women for most of my life and they have been my saviors - not men).
The thing I *really* want to say, though, is your long-winded-ness is a treasure. So much of the language I have now is from all the things I have absorbed, the radishes and potatoes, the elephants, the shame, good "hunger" vs. bad "hunger." The importance of physical activity for mental sanity - so many things. I'm fan-girling and I know it, but I want you to know you've changed the course of my life at this real pivotal shitty moment. I sent my boyfriend this thread because I now have a boyfriend who is like what did you write? And wants to peer into my soul and understands hearing " i love all of this so much" from one of your favorite writers is real soul-food. And you said that thing about your husband being happy to be in the flood of your words, and that stuck with me as “this is how I want my person to be (really, need them to be, at least sometimes, reasonably so). But first, I knew to look for an elephant and that is all to your credit.
One of the biggest things that changed in my life earlier this year was developing a really good female friendship, and I've been following some of your thoughts on friendships with interest. I think she is the smartest, most gorgeous, kind/wholesome person with a huge side of snark and lovely darkness, and I would have never been able to like someone so much like me until this year. But the real funny thing is, we used to live in the same state and hung out like weekly, but we never fully connected because we were both afraid of being judged (this has been discussed between us) or not liked by the other BECAUSE WE LIKED EACH OTHER SO MUCH. Once covid happened, we started connecting more over messenger and later I pushed it to the phone, too. I have felt out to sea so many times in this friendship, going out to say things like "YOU'RE THE COOLEST PERSON EVER" or "I'M HERE FOR U IF U NEED TO TALK, I’M HAPPY JUST LISTENING TO U" and then having her, most of the time, reciprocate those feelings and get pulled back into harbor (albeit with some sea sickness!). I thought she was too gorgeous/too cool/too collected to be my friend. Turns out she's just like me, and thank god I just gave up on having fucks about being embarrassing with her - I got tired of letting the embarrassment stop me, and lockdown helped, too.
I really like what you've said about "savoring the uncertainty of the experience, instead of settling into some shameful, fearful space that makes me want to run away and stop trying new things." Yes, exactly that. I have been going to these sort of weird (covid-wise, but also just kinda esoteric) distanced meet up groups where we all sit really far away and talk about "what is real" and then do walking meditation, or another one where we do "shirin-yoku" (forest bathing; no, we don't actually get naked - it's too cold for that shit in the midwest anyways). But these things have been weird bc of covid, but also weird because of the new people who like the weird shit I do. But the best part is we do things like walk with no destination, pay attention to the textures of plants in the natural prairie, and ask ourselves what impression the land is leaving on us or what message it is trying to impart (yeah, it's hokey - but it does feel good to engage with it). There's no right way to meditate bc your mind is always doing weird shit (you try to put your mind in your feet and feel them instead of thinking and then realize you're just escaping distraction instead of letting it roll off) and there's no right one thing the prairie is trying to tell you. I love it because I thought maybe I'd be good, but there's no real way to be good other than to just do the thing (if that makes sense). I had some much older guy try to ask me out through one of these things (wtf?), and that could have ruined it (he literally talked over me trying to connect with another shy, smart woman from 6+ feet away in a one-on-one conversation! GAH!), but I just let him be whatever weird, loud, annoying man he is, over there, and don’t pay him much mind (I’m good at redirecting that kind of shit, anyways).
I think of Mary Oliver's "Wild Geese," both in this reply and in this wider conversation about pleasure and nurturing.
Anyways, I'm long-winded too, so I'll take a breath here.
Wow, this made me cry. Thanks for writing it all down. I'm so happy for you, that you found a good listener of an elephant-radish boyfriend and you also found a good, admirable, caring friend! And now I sort of wish I had a forest walk-with-no-destination group, because that sounds amazing and hilarious and fun and odd all at once. It's dumb how embarrassed we can get about just connecting with each other and doing weird shit together, when it can bring so much strange joy and color into our lives. I love the part about letting the dude make his noises without throwing you off. Every time I think about wasting time on Twitter or reading too much bad news, I'm going to conjure your meditative forest walking and do something more interesting instead. Thanks again for showing up and throwing your enthusiasm onto the page, it means a lot to me. xo
This hits home so hard for me. I have been struggling with the avoidant exes thing. After years of therapy I'm starting to see that that's one of my main forms of self denial/self punishment, chasing after emotionally unavailable people and convincing myself they are my only chance to ever have a loving relationship or the only person I could ever love. Deep down it's that I don't really believe I deserve, or am actually scared of a truly open emotionally vulnerable relationship, so people who are avoidant (or even emotionally abusive) are actually safer in a weird way. I know that it stems from my family of origin, emotionally avoidant people feel like home.
I've been there and I get it. Po kind of addresses a lot of this, along with great reading suggestions, but I just want to add that understanding that avoidant people feel not just more attractive but safer is so important! People often tell this story like "Stop hurting yourself, idiot!" but the reality of it is more like THIS LOOKS GOOD AND IT'S FAMILIAR TO ME.
I'd also ask yourself if you aren't avoidant in some ways, too. Lots of insecurely attached people believe that they're needy and not avoidant, but when they meet people who are open and honest and supportive, it looks weak or odd or repugnant to them, thanks to the ways they were raised. I always scoffed at avoidant people and told myself I was loving and open and present, and over the past few years I've realized all the ways that I hide and dodge people while pretending that it's them, not me. It's absurd and embarrassing, but it also feels good to notice it because it explains SO MUCH that I continued to feel flummoxed about.
For avoidants who chase avoidants, vulnerability is the hardest thing, and it's also the key to feeling better, and more connected to others, and less defensive and anxious.
I knew I had been rejected by my mother, but only recently learned that a former stepmother had aggressively courted my father by being loving and attentive to me in a way I’d always craved, and then withdrew it and kicked me out of the house at 11 without a second thought. So no wonder if anyone brings me love I don’t trust it! And also the deep familiarity of feeling disposable and unwanted. Despairing ever repairing those foundational cracks.
So so true. I’ve finally begun to acknowledge that in myself after a breakup last year with an emotionally avoidant person who is also one of the most lovely sweet and kind people I know, which makes it so much harder to see than if they were just an asshole. As you often say people are complicated and multi faceted. Vulnerability is very hard for me and in the past I have definitely blamed that on others when I couldn’t acknowledge it in myself or when I was with addicts where I was “the good one” in the relationship and could only see their lack.
I HEAR YOU! And I think there's been a good discussion of some of the facets of chasing avoidance on Ask Polly; I've definitely delved into those particular writings with some serious chomp.
I grew up with my avoidant dad, and learned to hide my female-ness and feelings and needs (AND NOT EAT! UGH) so that he would like me (but really so I could survive - kids are hardwired to do whatever the heck will make them feel more safe). Not a big surprise, he is still very avoidant and flighty, and I can see how much that has impacted him in his older years. I've grown some compassion for him, and also have been working on much better boundaries in the last few years to have a relationship with him (I wasn't sure if I even wanted to at one point).
I think us sensitive people get real dinged up by that avoidant stuff. This might be a little off-base, but I highly recommend checking out the book "Attached." (I think one of the others is something Levine). That helped me move towards recognizing things from a broader context that wasn't all shameful and personal about friendships, relationships, even work relationships - and why I worked so hard to try try try with avoidant people in so many contexts. And it contextualizes what avoidance feels like for avoidant-ish people, which makes it much easier to see that they are super anxious too, but they use distance to quell it instead of seeking closeness.
I am so glad you posted here, and I hope your journey continues to bring you more fulfillment and pleasure along with the gritty hard stuff that life can be. Good on you for doing therapy. Also, plz hold out and look for those people that want to see you and care about you - JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE YOU. In the last year, I've developed a really good female friendship (someone I was aroundwuite a bit in the past, but was too afraid to open up to bc she is gorgeous and tall and so smart and funny), and more recently (in the last month) have met someone I'm dating that seems to do that so easily it's like, why the heck did I settle for avoidance?! Which I can answer, but you know. I really wasn't even that close to anyone in my life until the last few years - I was real lonely as fuck for most of my life. So, yes, please hang in there and have hope; the good people you are looking for are looking for you too ❤️
Po- I know I'm a couple days late to the party here... and actually, I don't even know how to respond to this. I'm felling disorganized and not very eloquent and the moment, but I feel deeply compelled to respond with some jumbled attempt to express something. I guess I just wanted to say thank you for fucking putting this out in the world and reminding me of the Important Things. This thread between you and Heather made me cry.... because it's just All The Things. And as usual with ask polly, it seems almost freakishly uniquely tailored to address exactly the things that I need at the moment. I relate to you not just on the basic levels (anorexic from 13-33, almost died at 19, currently residing in midwest walking randomly through forests, etc) but on the learning to take care of yourself in a way that really means something. I'm still struggling not just to let my body have what it needs and do what it will, but also to 'Let the soft animal of my body love what it loves', to move through the world in a way where I'm allowed to take up space and follow my feelings and have pleasure just because.... I'm trying to occupy a space where all my weird flaws and needs and are okay and maybe a little bit beautiful. Which is why I'm responding, as muddled as this may be, because I wanted to connect- and I often deny myself connection- for the reasons you guys were discussing... feeling unworthy, not cool enough, not articulate enough, too needy.... So I'm just putting this out there as a little and imperfect way to take up the space I desire to take up. Also, I'm looking down the barrel of just letting go of my eating disorder. I know how insanely difficult it is to not only give up the restricting your food, but to let yourself live fully. So Jesus Christ, I'm so impressed with you. And, for lack of a less obnoxious word, inspired. So, thanks. I hope to run into you in the forest sometime.
Also- What the hell.... Heather if you read this. I absolutely second every single thing Po said about what your writing means to her. Your stuff landed in my lap like a gift from the universe exactly at the moment I needed it. And it continues to be almost spookily aligned with what I'm going through. There is noting like you anywhere in the universe and dear god am I glad I ran into your writing. This is only capturing about 1/18th of what I'd like to say and I'm sorry to be gushy. I'll just forgiving myself for it though!
Thanks so much for posting your thoughts here, even if there was a few days of delay (time doesn't exist in any regular form anymore, does it?).
There was so much fear with what would happen if I let go for many years, with food and with a lot of other things. It took a long time. Guess what? I had to gain weight, to become fuller, bigger, in a metaphorical sense and a literal sense. Some of that fullness was transient and some not. I experimented bit by bit, in a way that felt safe but pushed me out of my comfort zone. It didn't happen overnight, and no one else's recovery story quite lined up with my own path. But I found it meandering through books, other people, talking talking talking, and then being quiet and still with myself, moving to different states and meeting other parts of my self in other people and cultures, wandering through mountains in WV, and flatland forests here, too. Your heart will help you find yours.
Just keep taking the steps. It doesn't matter how many backwards you go, ever, so long as you make a step forward, even once, in the direction you imagine the fullest and best your life could be. And then it will change shape and become even richer than you could imagine while starving (that would've been "too much" at the time to conceive of). Pay attention to the world outside of you - the leaves and the bugs and the wind. Question your internal stories and don't push good people out too much for too long (because we all do need space sometimes). But you can find that space in the world, with you in it, and not in the space between your legs or other body parts. It can all be so much bigger and grander than you think, and so mundane and boring too in a wonderful way, if you let the questions lead you but not drive you nuts, and keep your feet pointed to where you want to be.
This was a really meandering response, but heartfelt, because I think you feeling out and finding your direction is more helpful than anything I can tell you to do, but I hope some of it calls to your heart (the part that wants much, much more).
Po-It's been an overwhelming week of deadlines and internet cuts on my end, but before the chance slips away I wanted to really deeply thank you for taking the time to write this. It's stuff I know in my bones but it's unbelievably wonderful to have someone else (a stranger!) mirror what I know to be true when I'm actually myself. This response means a lot more than I can say <3 <3 <3
I've gotten better at recognizing and shooing shame in acute situations—it helps to visualize a cauldron, inside which all of my stressors and feelings at a given moment are bubbling away, and it's about to overflow, and I'm holding a gigantic vial labeled "SHAME" with a skull-and-crossbones, full of something viscous and gross, and I stop to ask myself, "Okay, why in the world would I add shame to this?" It's a very specific thought exercise but it helps.
But, I struggle when I take the long-term view. I don't know how to deal with the cauldron when it's gigantic and contains years of stressors and feelings. I think that pouring in the shame is extremely justified, because I haven't finished the writing project I went to grad school for, and if I'd worked even a little bit harder I'd have so much more to show for it, and 31 feels abominably old when I compare myself to my peers.
It seems to me like everyone I'm close to has a different motivational engine inside them, but theirs are more similar to each other's than mine is to anyone's. This applies to creative work, but also exercise, house work, etc. I can't imagine my friends sitting on their butts as often as I do. I'm positive they don't!
And I know that comparison is the thief of joy, but I can't help but feel that I would be so much less prone to shame if I just knew how other people operated from hour to hour, day to day. I'm so fucking curious. I want the meticulous log. I want to compare my minute-to-minute behaviors with other people's so that I can either grasp a baseline for embarrassment or realize (with proof!) that everyone's so incredibly different that embarrassment is meaningless.
I don't know how to let go of this need for the log, and the vague, abstracted shame I feel about being a more sedentary person who just doesn't find organic enjoyment in work as easily.
I know what you mean about wanting a minute-to-minute log -- though there was a time when those types of articles about daily habits would send me into a pit of despair over how bad my habits were. That said, I think you might be overanalyzing what makes you DIFFERENT AND UNIQUELY FUCKED, which is its own kind of a bad habit. I have a friend who says "I just can't exercise!" and what I hear is a kind of religious incantation. I don't love working out, I drop it all the time even though I'm absurdly full of fire and brimstone on its importance in my life. I just have the good habit of thinking, at 5 pm every day, "I need to fucking work out right now if I don't want to feel grumpy and shitty all the time." And then I have the bad habit of thinking "Fuck working out, forever." And then I have the good habit of saying "I'll just put on my stupid workout clothes and turn the stupid DVD on with the idiot guy talking about bringing it and crushing it, and I'll half-ass my way through a few milliseconds of it." My husband and I have taken to geekily calling this The Hah-Fahsse Method (French accent). Even calling it something stupid is a good habit, because it reminds me that I can Hah-Fahsse my way through it and it'll still make me feel better over the long haul.
Small good habits that trick you into moving are pretty much at the root of this. Small good habits that you then CONNECT TO FEELINGS that you want. You have to notice how you feel, though, when you feel good. You have to notice that it doesn't feel good to tell yourself the same dusty story about how you're someone who can't do the things that other people do. That's a bad habit. You can dig for answers, sure, but you want to break out of the narrative you have around deficits -- at least if it's not really working that well for you and it leads you into a place of bad habits and insecurity.
I want to also say that having at least some of your day that's very rigidly scheduled can be helpful. I have always avoided schedules and rules and organization at all costs -- a pretty dumb way of life for someone who works from home -- because I associate them with feeling oppressed and down and punished. But for the past two years, I've started to let myself get up whenever I wake up, and whenever I happen to wake up, I always, always write. I'm not allowed to do anything else. That's the most rigid part of my day: from waking up to four hours later.
I also had a breakthrough when I realized that you can't fucking write for more than six hours a day unless you're, I don't know, some kind of a cyborg. So the rest of my day is all about trying to figure out what else I need to make enough money, feel decent, support my kids, exercise my dogs, whatever. It's a free for all, honestly, which sounds pretty loose and luxurious but is probably not as scheduled and organized as it should be, given how much HAPPIER I AM WHEN I'M ON THE LITTLE MORNING HAMSTER WHEEL OF WRITING!
So that's my other point: Experiment with "oppressive" schedules until you figure out which one actually feels BETTER than having a completely loose, open stretch of time with nothing to do but lie around feeling pissed off at yourself for not being a different person!
Anyway, I relate to your interest in logs and schedules and also to your shame and also to your disconnection from exercise and work! Even though that doesn't show in what I just wrote, that is really WHO I AM, too. It took me years to nurture my connection to my work, even when I felt like I had a good job. I just didn't enjoy the work. Or that was the story I told myself, because I didn't say no to assignments I didn't want or decide for myself what I actually did enjoy. So maybe part of this is that you need to assert more boundaries and desires in your career somehow? Easier said than done, I know. Anyway, best of luck and thank you for posting this!
Thank you so much for all of this insight. It's incredibly helpful, from top to bottom.
I love the idea of experimenting with "oppressive" schedules, because I ADORE the idea of them, but often make them too regimented and unrealistic. Your writing routine sounds like the perfect mix of strict and loose! I'll strive for that balance too. <3 Reading this whole thread this morning has been so validating and lovely.
I just finished the book The Power of Habit - not usually my jam ("if you just work HARDER you will succeed", just no), but dammit if it hasn't legit changed my life.
I'm going to try your writing regime tomorrow! I've been struggling with all this since I just started to freelance. Wow, hearing other people struggle with it made me feel better. I always feel like other people have actual motivation and I'm just hanging around here, making stupid cookies.
honestly yeah; the writing side of the work I do takes months to have a finish and it would be nice to acknowledge that one hour of something towards that goal is actually huge.
I feel this. I get into these mental loops sometimes where I keep obsessing about all of the “steps” necessary in a day, and how overwhelming it is to think about all of them at once. Like, I have to WAKE UP (step 1), TAKE A SHOWER (step 2), GET DRESSED (step 3), EAT (step 4)...I haven’t even gotten out the door yet and I’m overwhelmed. (Just for the record, I don’t tend towards depression, so I don’t think it stems from that, even though it kinda sounds like it) I think some people just DO these things without thinking about them so hard and that’s their secret? I dunno dude. But idk I feel like at the end of the day everyone struggles with getting stuff done. And most people are totally unrealistic with how many things they think they SHOULD get done in a day.
This is a good point. I used to make to do lists with 15 things on them. Now I limit myself to 1 or 2 things and call the day a success if I do them. Somehow I get more done now, overall, now that the bar for success is much lower.
The baseline for success I mean. Like I happily do many more things after the first 2, because I AM ALREADY A SUCCESS SO I'M IN A GOOD MOOD. It's a little bit of self-trickery that seems to work for me, possibly because I am simple like dog.
Oh my gosh, yes. My brain is like, "Listing everything out is soothing! Break it up into an oncoming stampede of discrete tasks!" and then is like, "Did I just say stampede? Haha oh god run." Limiting it to very few, very doable things really is the way to go.
I feel this SO effing much. I'm a "sedentary" type as well, and it's so hard not to feel irrevocably broken when literally no one else I know has as hard of a time sustaining motivation as I do. I don't even wanna think about how many work hours I've frittered away trying to stop distracting myself and actually get. something. done. I know what it is to feel like I need more rest/recuperation time than everyone around me, and to never feel like I've truly gotten enough, and I wish I knew a fix for it, but I'm still working on this too.
I really love the image you described, though--metaphors like that are about the best (only?) thing I've found to get out of my way long enough to complete one (1) task.
Ugh, yessss. Sometimes I just feel like if I don't have a solid FOUR-HOUR (at least!) chunk of NOTHING SCHEDULED ahead of me, then it's impossible to get ANYTHING done. And sometimes I'm able to forgive myself for that, and other times, not so much. It's really heartening to hear that you identify with the sustaining-motivation difficulties.
Same!! If I have something else scheduled aside from what I'm trying to do that's coming up in like, 30 min to an hour, my brain's like, welp, no sense starting anything! There's no time! (Even if I could have knocked out a couple things during time I spent on IG or reading internet articles or whatever...le sigh). That said--I really really love Heather's strategy for combining loose and strict components into a daily schedule and setting the bar for "success" nice and low. I need to try that! I have a 9 to 5 kind of job so I don't have total control over it, but there are still ways to incorporate that approach, I bet. And the self-forgiveness bit--so key, and yet so difficult at the same time. But no time like the present to get started.
I am a sedentary person too and I lived with a personal trainer and guess what, I learned literally NOTHING from her haha! You are you and that is beautiful. There are a few key things that help us feel better because we are animals - exercise and nutrients. Can you add these into your routine somehow in a way that is right for YOU? Thank you for your cauldron metaphor; I really liked it!
YES the cauldron thing is so good. I always say that shame amplifies every emotion and makes it more crushing and awful, to the point where the emotions themselves, without the shame, aren't even bad. But this image takes it to the next level! Also love the underlying witch theme, of course.
It's ... incredibly reassuring to hear that living with a personal trainer didn't suddenly cause you to metamorphose into a fitness-person. I'm slooooowly realizing the importance of customization, and having strong standards around what I like vs. what I'm forcing myself to try and like. It was actually groundbreaking when I played a bit of tennis recently and remembered that I earnestly enjoy parts of it!
I write a newsletter (on this same platform actually) for my family and friends where I share recipes but also just muse about whatever I feel like. Yesterday, it was raining and I was joking writing about how I feel very beta when it’s sunny because it’s not my natural state to be active but when it’s a rainy day I OWN it and I really just rock that. In writing that jokingly and also reading your post today, it made me think: maybe knowing how to relax and be sedentary sometimes really is a strength and nothing to be ashamed of. I’ve been trying to do a small walk every day and of course I shame myself for not being an Olympian, but maybe I should also praise myself for knowing how to relax and make muffins and slow cook chicken stock for 5 hours and not have a care in the world.
To give you an idea: I had three goals for myself today, and I will do only one of them *at best*. And five hours of unfocused work per day is my hard limit.
I experienced a revolutionary shift in perspective in therapy this week about parenting myself. It's something I had heard many times but I hadn't understood it.
It was simply that there is a child with needs inside me, and I have to be the adult that will care for her.
I can't explain it any other way that conveys why I suddenly understood it this time. But thanks for putting this topic out there Heather.
I also suddenly had this shift last week, after working aggressively on my self loathing for 1.5 years! I also can’t explain how I suddenly understood it this time, but all the sudden I felt sympathy and tenderness for my inner teenager, for the first time in my life.
Me too! Thank YOU. Turns out I'm pretty angry at my inner child for being so pathetic?! Which feels shameful in itself but hey ho this is how we move forward isn't it?
THIS IS WHERE I LANDED when I couldn't take this message in. I realized that I hated my inner child, thought she was a pathetic brat, and that she deserved to suffer. So when people told me to "love that child" I was always like, "LOVE HER? Fuck that kid, she sucks!"
So first I had to say, "I am going to tolerate how bad she sucks."
Then: "I'm going to try to accept her, even though she's annoying."
Then: "I will try to see this broken child as faintly deserving of love, even though she's not."
Then: "Okay, this inconvenient, slow child is kind of sad and cute, in a rusted-out pathetic sort of way. I will try very hard to give her love in spite of great flaws."
And now, I sometimes think my inner child is a brilliant prophet and a poet, and other times I think she's interesting, for sure, but hugely embarrassing. That's more black and white/ grandioise and insecure than I'd like, but what can you do? It's a long road!
Love this sub-thread though, and this (apparently widely shared) struggle!
Oh god yes this! I’m still scraping the tarry sides of the barrel of Proof of Worthlessness Monkeys and I’m still stuck on trying to accept needy inner child who should have grown up and learned better by now. This thread couldn’t be better timed. Thank you.
I think so! I often write letters of sorts to her or even imagine she's my kid (I don't have kids myself yet). at first (and sometimes still) it felt very weird and narcissistic but then I was like shit I'm writing to her in my own journal--which is exactly the place for introspection! what's something that your IC does that pisses you off?
Wow, I think that's a wonderful idea. Totally get the self-judgement, totally agree that it's not necessary.
Well she just can't control herself! And if only I could be perfectly controlled and good, without her temper sabotaging me, then I could right all the worlds wrongs (that are incidentally my fault). You know? :)
I totally get this. I think I used to get locked up on the idea of loving and also calling your inner child "good." When I lose my temper (as with your example) I don't feel like that's "good" or lovable. So when I can't accept or love, I try to shift to forgiving myself. My inner child might not be that well behaved or good, but she at least deserves my forgiveness. We're all flawed humans who're repeatedly humbled by our flaws. Deciding you're going to cast off every last flaw and be perfect someday is a recipe for frustration and unhappiness.
I'm still trying to figure out the "be your own parent" thing because I didn't have parents that modeled good parenting for me. Maybe I need to look at the things my friends' parents did for me as a teen because they knew I didn't have adults who were really involved in my life.
The parent thing doesn't work as a model for me, either. Sometimes I try to think of it more as inviting all of my unlovable and needy and wicked selves into the picture and letting them have space and treating them ALL with compassion. I think independent, stubborn, strange alter-egos with crazy whims and desires that should be respected feels more full and colorful to me than a parenting image.
Ooh, that's the hard part, inviting them out and treating all of them with compassion when most days I want to squish them all together into something resembling a soccer ball and then yeet 'em into traffic.
So if anyone is desperately trying to boot your alter egos into the street, it's not super effective in my experience.
I have to learn to sit with that soccer ball and peel it apart and then sit with those guys and let them be valid for a while.
I get this but, forgive me, I really don’t like children. I never had dreams of having kids and am so glad I didn’t. So it’s hard to find any child (inner or outer) interesting. I go out of my way to avoid children, I think I just had my fill of nieces and nephews from a very young age. I need another model. My inner puppy would get ALL my attention. Hmmm... 🧐
I don't like or want kids either! I just try to give myself the acceptance I give the natural world. Like, I would never criticize the plants for not being able to grow in a certain spot, I just move them.
I think self care doesn’t always feel good at first. Boundaries are self care. Saying no is self care. Pushing yourself to exercise when you want to eat a donut and cry is self care. As someone who is coping with a breakup with an addicted partner, self care has been releasing any sort of responsibility for him. But also eating a donut and crying is good too. :)
This is so true. I'm in the midst of setting much-needed boundaries for my intrusive, controlling mother and it definitely got worse before it got better. I'm working on releasing myself from the idea that I can make her understand how hard it was to have her neglect me for as long as she felt like it, then just when I got used to the idea that she didn't care, swooping in and dominating everything about my life until she got bored or irritated that I couldn't just be the kid she wanted. I've accepted that she can't apologize and has convinced herself she's not responsible for how she raised me, now I need to learn to give myself comfort and hugs and remember I'm responsible for my actions, not hers.
I need to connect in the moment with what I'm using as self-care; I feel like sometimes a Donut-Assisted Cry is fine and necessary, but more often I just need a walk in the sunshine, and I need to find a way to do the walk more often.
You said in one of these threads recently something about the overlap between people who procrastinate and people who never reward themselves, and I've been thinking so much about this.
I'm 30 and just now realizing how my whole life I punish myself for being capable, smart, talented, etc. by treating success like it's regular, like excelling should be the baseline. I'm a star in a very bougie PhD department and I don't think I ever celebrated anything -- not publishing, not finishing my exams, not even getting accepted. I have never even gone to any graduation ceremony in my life! Let alone celebrated.
Anyway, I'm trying to build in more rewards for myself. I went through a tough breakup and bought myself a little gold ring. I love wearing it.
That's great to hear. Small symbolic rewards can feel so gratifying, when you've lived your entire life never giving yourself a moment to rest, let alone celebrate or enjoy yourself. A lot of my boy-craziness (if you can call it that) when I was younger was just a grab for some down time: when I was with a boyfriend, I could hang out, watch movies, drink a beer, relax, but whenever I was alone again, I was supposed to be improving myself, working out, cleaning, doing some important bit of work to advance my career.
I didn't realize until my second book came out -- and got good press! and sold well! -- that not only couldn't I feel my own successes, but I was EMBARRASSED BY THEM. Like it was shameful to actually get something I wanted, and I had to downplay it and act like it wasn't my FAULT that I finally had something enviable.
Whew!!! That was 2016 and I've come a long way since then. But it's also something that plays out on a very mundane level: I don't deserve to take a week off. I don't deserve to lie around the house talking on the phone to friends. I don't deserve to have hobbies because that's too frivolous. I think when your entire relationship to what you want and what you deserve is disrupted, it takes years just to recalibrate yourself so you can not only choose something that feels good to you, but you can drop things that stop feeling good without forcing them into a PRODUCTIVE AND WORTHWHILE shape.
You're here to enjoy your life. You need to figure out how to do that, and get in the habit of doing it, and defend the importance of doing it -- to yourself!
Anyway, congratulations on your academic accomplishments AND your ring! Keep celebrating what you've done and treating your hard work with the awe and respect it deserves. xo
"We act like it’s normal to have to work hard even when we’re feeling anxious and miserable, because that’s how life was for us as children a lot of the time."
I was especially struck by this line in your column today. I can relate to the letter writer's childhood upbringing and have struggled off and on with feeling miserable about my life (but also engaging in behaviors that would probably not make it better) because I had believed I deserved to feel that poorly.
This year has been different for me personally in that regard due to the fact that my work and home lives have coalesced for the foreseeable future since my partner and I work at the same place, and now we both work from home. With no distinction between work and home, I ended up working very long hours and panic reading the news. I felt a lot of guilt as my job had not been affected and we were able to go home no problem, and in some ways it felt like I needed to spend my off-hours informed. Obviously, I burnt out quickly.
Eventually I had to start taking more time for myself and I have felt so much better since. I have grown a vegetable garden this year and it has been a wonderful salve for my anxious brain.
I am currently punishing myself for opening up your essay and email first thing this morning and ruminating on how I am the queen of self-punishment instead of just getting my work done. Narcissistic parents who screamed at each other-check; suppressing my needs and emotions to protect my younger siblings from said parents-check; over-achieving to the point of selecting only the hardest elements of my field to define my success-check; complete lack of boundaries with my avoidant husband for several decades-check; continuing to labor at “making it work” with said husband despite the recent revelation of his five-year affair-check. I could go on and on and on.
What has helped: 10 years of therapy; finding friends that I could be vulnerable and honest with; having two amazing kids who made me realize just how fucked up it was that my parents treated me the way they did; carving out weekends away from family and demanding parts of work to focus on what really drives me-designing scientific research; good books with deep complicated characters; running in the woods; listening to birds sing.
I’m likely 10 years older than you Polly, and still finding it hard to accept that I AM ENOUGH without self-recrimination. Happy to see all the young-uns trying to break these habits early; it gets harder and harder the longer you deprive yourself of your wants and needs.
I'm sorry it's been such a hard road for you. I relate particularly to "selecting only the hardest elements of my field to define my success." I've always told myself "Oh sure you're good at x but the best people are good at y." Eventually you start to notice you don't value y and the things you're good at are also more fun for you, so why not enjoy them instead of feeling ashamed that you are who you are, with the particular talents and quirks that you happen to have?
One thing that helped me with deciding I was "enough" was thoroughly and completely deconstructing what our culture's view of "good" was. I started to realize that I've always felt more free and relaxed when BAD words were in the mix, words like BOSSY and GREEDY and VICIOUS and ABSURD. I needed a sense of self that was built out of dark words in order to understand and feel good about who I was. My writing on my Ask Molly newsletter was a big part of that process -- suddenly I had a place to explore and also befriend my WORST self instead of constantly trying to become my BEST self.
My worst self turns out to be a lot more fun, too.
Thanks, I love your Molly essays but have clearly been a cheap-skate in not subscribing ;) I'll have to fix that-also to admire the great art you pick for them.
P.S. Welcome to the Ottolenghi fan club- I refer to him as "my boyfriend"
Man, oh man do I struggle with this! I spend a lot of my work day getting distracted and I guilt trip myself all day long. Then once the day is mostly over and I don't have much to show for it, I end up thinking, screw it, I'm just having a hard time, so I'm not going to feel bad about this and I can try again tomorrow. But I don't think I actually believe that it's truly acceptable that I am not a perfect productive worker 100% of the time, because I have these icky feelings that I don't really know how to deal with. Once I finally have free time at the end of the night, I avoid all the self-care things that I actually want to do (read books, exercise, exfoliate my damn face, watch a show I've been interested in, drink hot tea), and instead I just end up spending two or three hours sitting at the kitchen counter reading the latest horrific news about what is going on in our country and getting worked up over the idiocy of right-wing ideology. I go to bed feeling awful because I didn't actually take care of myself and instead just let my brain stew in this negative state for a few hours, and then the next day I am in such a funk that I can't focus on work and I once again spend all my time looking for distractions and things to make myself feel temporarily better. Breaking that cycle feels so overwhelming, and I have not yet managed to find a way to snap out of it.
I am in the exact same place. Not taking care of myself, my dog, my life...knowing that I need to but ending up doomscrolling for hours on end. Telling myself I’ll do better tomorrow but getting sucked back into the same pattern the next day.
Ugh, sorry to hear that. It's so hard to look away. I think maybe part of my problem is also that as a perfectionist, I tend to see this as an all-or-nothing issue. It feels overwhelming to address because I struggle to see the value of small wins, and I get stuck waiting around for myself to come up with some sudden revelation that FIXES ME.
Yes! Feeling like I’ve let things go so much that the effort to get back to how I think they should be is overwhelming! And wanting some ?i don’t know what? to magically fix it all. A reset/rewind button maybe?
I love the idea of self-care but I'm having trouble identifying what it would even look like for me. It seems like nothing helps me feel rested anymore—I can't find it in me to write, going outside and smelling the smoke from all the fires is just stressful, even hanging out with my girlfriend feels like work. Beyond that, I'm behind on multiple projects (again) and I feel guilty for resting at all.
Growing up with some undiagnosed mental health issues meant I was constantly punished for falling behind. Even when I was doing my best, it wasn't enough. I'd just like to be enough for the neurotypical world, even for one day, so I can relax without shame.
Asserting your boundaries, saying no, insisting (at least privately) on doing a limited amount of work when you feel the most up for it and focused, and then rewarding yourself with rest that does feel restorative - those are things you should consider. Because it sounds like you're a people pleaser who has trouble expressing your limits without shame. Even if you've been shamed into the ground for this stuff before, it's still crucial to understand what you need and stand up for it. It also sounds like you need some time alone where you give yourself space to just be -- and you forgive yourself for who you are. I know it's not easy at all. But the more you're able to embrace and accept your particular traits and quirks and needs privately, the more you'll be able to assert what you need out in the world. I'd also figure out how to make your time with your girlfriend more relaxing -- ask her for what you need. It's no good to feel like no one in the world cares how you feel! You have to stand up for what you want if you want to be happy. You also have to slow down and figure out what you want. It takes time. But trust me, you want some things you won't admit, even to yourself. You'll feel better when you understand your needs a little better.
Wow...these exact themes surfaced in my morning pages this morning...self-protection, joy, and most importantly, the intention to START TAKING UP MORE SPACE. As women we are conditioned to live small. You said it first, and best, but I second it. Cheers, Polly!
I love that letter and I love your response. I really relate to creating crisis so I can solve it. (I currently have a shoulder impingement that got very painful because I ignored it when it was just a twinge.) I'm also often on other people's side of the street. Part of this is a deep desire to understand but it's also about avoiding doing the things I need to do on my side. I would like to have a life where the word "pleasure" did not sound illicit and where I was as good at expecting wonders as I am at expecting problems. It is definitely a practice.
Superficially, I'm great at self care. If you look a little closer I am AWFUL at it, because I am a tyrant to myself. Anyone else read Jia Tolentino's Trick Mirror? The Always Be Optimizing chapter could be about me...
Polly, a year ago you selected my letter about my eating disorder, and my shitty ex, and my drinking problem, and my respectable career, and my running injury, and told me
1) not to confuse my own formidable ambition that I am somewhat ashamed of with an attraction to grandiose, self-confident men,
2) and not to confuse productivity with purity,
3) not to confuse resting with weakness (or something like that).
and to feel my way forward and basically learn to understand when I WANTED to exercise, and when I WANTED to rest (and not just follow my seventh half marathon training plan to a T and wonder why I want to sleep and am angry all the time).
I am still working on it but I gotta say things have improved. And there was a while there that I WAS POSITIVE your advice was not working bc for so many months I will still lazy, still not fitting into my clothes, still moody, still hurt from my injury, still hurt from my ex. But then I let go and felt my way forward and things shifted almost GLACIALLY SLOW but they DID shift. and they are still shifting. There are days I eat way too many tortilla chips but instead of punitive action the next day?? I am just like, oh darn, k.
I had three glorious delicious gourmet pancakes on my birthday two weeks ago and a spicy ass bloody mary, and then a nap, a bath, and a shit load of sushi. But I also eat beautiful salads many nights a week bc I want them. I found a physical therapist that I like, respect, and connect with and she has me doing amazing things for my running form and I really feel like I can finally ACTUALLY FEEL when I'm sore and shouldn't push it and when I have glucose to burn and should push it. I am not yet in my pre-injury form, but I am so beyond confident I will get there and this time I'll get there eating pancakes when I want to. I lost the post-breakup-drinking-problem-comfort-eating weight but yet I am still magically eating pancakes and having blood marys, I cannot even stress how important of a victory that is to me as a former anorexic/bulimic.
Moving forward I really want to eke out just how much diet culture bullshit I can banish from my brain (seriously, Jia's piece is SO good) while also still honoring the part of me that DOES see myself as an athlete and a hot girl.
I echo the people who've said it's so hard to know how to feel good about anything we've achieved, or how to relax after. I'm coming off a 4 and a half year intense marathon of writing a novel (which I got a book deal for, with a small advance but still, yay!) alongside day jobs and I have no idea how to feel any sense of satisfaction, joy or achievement in finally finishing it. Instead I'll wake up the morning after the final manuscript is in and worry that I'm 39 and haven't had a baby yet. I just want to know *how* to appreciate the work I've done and the time and care I've put in, but instead all I know is an empty inner voice that says get over yourself, you wanted a family just as much and now you're fucking that up. Argh!
It might in part be because my parents made it clear to me until my mid-twenties, when they realised I wasn't going to change my mind about it, that spending my life trying to write fiction was selfish, self-indulgent and would only end in failure. In part they were trying to protect me (from the financial difficulties of it), but I'm sure the fact I can't feel good on any deep level about achieving something I've put years of love and time and energy into stems directly from that.
Congratulations!!! I think novel writing is the hardest fucking thing in the world. I have a draft of a novel that was so hard to write that I've avoided revising it for years, because I dread going back into that THIS IS SO FUCKING HARD space every day.
Accomplishing your BIG GOAL is a big deal and even though you can't feel it right now, you might find that it sinks in over time. But in some ways - ugh - achieving something that big opens the door to all of the other things you need. Even after you have kids, there are times you think MY GOD I HAVE IT ALL BUT LOOK AT ME, I'M A MESS AND I CAN'T FEEL MY FEELINGS NEARLY ENOUGH.
Feeling where you are and taking satisfaction in it is a practice. It is a BIG BIG challenge for some of us. You're at the starting line now. It's alarming, I know, but you have to lean into this humbling moment and welcome its lessons, because you'll emerge a happier person if you do. Don't despair: be vulnerable and feel this. There's probably a lot of sadness and mourning that you've put off while writing this novel that you have to feel BEFORE your body will let you feel joy and satisfaction. You also have to believe that you deserve this -- that you deserve happiness in general, and that you deserve to BE AN AUTHOR OF A BOOK. I struggled with alllll of that stuff at first. I don't think I felt my first book that much at all. Slow down and try to let it in, every day. The "bad" emotions will lead you to the good ones in time. xo
Oh, man, Heather, this one hit so close to home I had to backtrack and make sure *I* didn't write it.
"Because you had a narcissist for a mother, you feel neglected a lot, whether people are neglecting you or not. You also neglect yourself. You also neglect other people. You also give way too much of yourself without noticing. You also want to solve everyone else’s problems all the time. You also can’t stand it when someone else is doing something THE WRONG WAY. You want things done THE RIGHT WAY, always."
I mean.... Fuck! Last time you opened a thread I said I feel like I alway have to try so so hard to be a GOOD daughter, wife, friend. I try to help everyone and when then don't follow my (PERFECT AND WELL-THOUGHT) advice, I get grumpy and feel neglected. "Why did you ask, then?" It's a lot.
For the better part of the 2018 and 2019 I felt like I was getting so much better in giving myself what I deserve, in reparenting myself, both letting myself feel all the things and also making myself do the things I didn't want to but knew would do me good (exercise, therapy). Then at the tailgate of 2019 I started neglecting myself again. Stopped exercising, left therapy. Then... Covid. And I'm still on this whirlwind of "WHAT THE FUCK SHOULD I DO" with no end in sight! It's the worst being stuck in a 1-bedroom apartment. I can't get the exercise I like to do. I hate the thought of therapist-shopping through Zoom or whatever. I'm getting takeout a lot. I'm also considering if my husband would be better without me. I don't know, I just relate a lot.
I have an addiction of my own - takeout food which always tastes better than homemade food. In your column, you write "Forgiving yourself means learning to enjoy your day instead of working yourself into the ground." What if your addiction is how you enjoy your day and relax from working? What if the letter writer is trying to enjoy her day and alcohol is the easiest way to do it (while for me it is takeout)? The punishment only comes later and that's the problem. I'm still young so I don't even feel heavy-ness or stomach upset with takeout food. But the punishment is coming in a decade or so when I'm unhealthy.
I guess the answer is to enjoy the actual day and not your drug of choice. But what about the day is there to enjoy? Work takes up most of the day and is tiring and annoying. 30 minutes of TV? (meh). A hobby that mostly leaves me more tired since I was already tired from working? (also meh). The only thing that makes me feel excited, relaxed, and happy is my drug of choice - takeout food. Nothing else seems to compare.
I'm not sure I'd put takeout food on the same level as half a bottle of gin, honestly, but if you're preoccupied with this choice, I'd say some part of you is aching to get into a healthier state and you're projecting your resistance onto this discussion. Any time you're moved to dive in and say something charged about something fairly neutral, you have to examine what emotions are in play for you and where they're coming from.
I eat all kinds of bad stuff and I also fall into a space of "What can I do? This is the one thing that makes me happy right now!" I have noticed that when I'm thinking that way, I'm usually behaving punitively toward myself throughout the entire day -- not just as I'm getting my work done, but after work and into the night, too. It's not just that I'm tired, my brain is also telling me, "Look at you, ordering in instead of cooking, skipping your workout to eat Good and Plenties, what a slob." Part of recalibrating your sensibilities around rewards and indulgence and also enjoying your time ties back to slowing down and giving yourself enough space to understand what you love and break out of habits that don't bring you enough enjoyment if you do them too much.
These are lifelong challenges, of course, and if it were easy as hell to solve them, our entire culture would take a different shape. I think my own personal recalibration around indulgence is based on figuring out what I enjoy, when I enjoy it, and how much I enjoy it. For example, I don't enjoy food NEARLY as much if I don't exercise a lot. I also like cooking a lot more when I'm working out regularly. I try very hard to notice when I'm scarfing down my food and slow that down. This isn't about weight, to be clear, it's entirely about loving the sensations of eating. I mean, when I'm really in tune with my senses, I notice that I enjoy eating fruit more than I enjoy pouring candy into my head.
But I've also noticed that I don't give a fuck about TV anymore, so I have to find more interesting ways to entertain myself at the end of the day. And I also need to take breaks during the day so that I don't enter into the nighttime hours feeling like a broken robot.
It sounds to me like you're a little worried about your health and you're also working too hard and not taking enough time during the day, in between tasks, to reconnect with what feels good. Getting into the habit of tuning in to your body and how it feels throughout the day, slowing down and savoring your rewards, and asking yourself open questions about what interests you beyond immediate end-of-day fixes will probably improve your relationship to your work week and brighten your outlook a little. Even trying to contemplate work that isn't tiring and annoying (without sinking into despair over the limited possibilities) might help if you're gentle with yourself along the way. It's not simple, as I said, but it's worth trying a few new things and loosening up your conviction that there's nothing new to try and nothing will ever change. Good luck!
Thank you for listening and responding! "not taking enough time during the day, in between tasks, to reconnect with what feels good." This definitely rings a bell for me. Something I realized was my social anxiety was making me feel tired during the work day. So I have to work on not beating myself up all day for the (perceived) mistakes I make at work. I have also been trying water-coloring as a hobby! Hasn't been as great as food but its something.
Hey Jessica, just wanted to say I relate to your feelings around takeout a lot. I often feel a sense of shame in relying on takeout for sustenance and barely ever cooking. Like BARELY EVER, and even when I eat at home it’s usually something already prepared or frozen. We live in a world where home cooking is seen as the epitome of “health”, but that notion seriously needs to be interrogated. It’s unrealistic (and the expectation is sort of classist) for a lot of folks to cook on a regular basis for a whole host of reasons. Also, we live in a culture that HIGHLY moralizes food, when the truth is, food should not be seen as “good” or “bad”. I worked in eating disorder treatment for years and have seen the worst of the good/bad food mentality can do to people. At the end of the day, food is just food, and eating takeout isn’t necessarily going to lead to “consequences” down the line.
My parents never cooked growing up, coincidentally, so I feel it’d take an inordinate amount of effort for me to change. I believe food is truly one of the great joys in life. It’s okay to take pleasure in food. It’s okay for a good meal to be the only thing keeping you sane during a stressful day. I write this from the bottom of my heart because I know EXACTLY how you feel. Shame still comes up for me (nowadays, mostly on how much money I end up spending on food - but that’s a whole other issue), I’m not perfect on this, but I feel like I’ve come a long way on it.
Agree with all of this, and I indulge myself in takeout, and booze, and greasy stuff, and sugar, so I am no saint on this front and I'm not young enough to see it as consequence-less. BUT. I do want to say that I bought Ottolenghi's Simple cookbook and it's kind of revolutionized my relationship to what you can make that's extremely satisfying and also easy and quick. Sorry for being THAT PERSON but I am a little bit of a zealot about that cookbook in particular.
Lol, it’s okay! That cookbook looks cool, thanks for the suggestion. I’m not sure what the OP exactly meant by “consequences” but I wanted to respond to that because it IS so vague. It’s not for me to parse out what she meant but I feel like it could be helpful to look at what those actually potentially are instead of rolling them all up into a big ball of scary-ness labeled “consequences”. If that makes sense.
Hey thanks for your response! It's nice to know other people feel similarly. By consequences from take-out, I do mean health and weight consequences in the future. The take out I buy does have more sugar, fat, salt than homemade food. And because it tastes so good, I eat more of it. =/ I am worried about having high blood pressure, heart disease, and diabetes. My dad has all 3 and is getting heart surgery this month! I'm only in my mid-twenties but I am even freaking out that my resting heart rate (using my fitness tracker) is in the 80s! Which is on the higher end.
Take out doesn't give me immediate consequences (stomach upset). It only gives me possible long term consequences (health problems). Quitting it would also give me long-term rewards (losing weight would take more than 6 months, lowering heartbeat, healthy when I'm 40). But my addicted mind, doesn't care about the long-term rewards.
I'd like to offer some advice I gathered after a life of disorderly eating, a few nutritionists and a lot of reading:
- You don't have to make a full meal every time. A sandwich made at home with some eggs and cheese is healthier than any takeout food you could order. If you have leftovers, use that to make you next meal as well.
- If you have some staples ready, it's much easier to just plan around them. Rice, beans, sauce. You can make a big batch of any of those, freeze them and then reheat them and put some eggs or sausages of pulled pork or chicken (also great for freezing) on top and that's a meal basically ready.
- the secret to tasty home cooked meals is SEASON. Try new spices, use sofrito (also fine to freeze), salt it a little at each step and then taste it until it's good.
But the best advice I can give you is: try to take the stress out of the food. If you wanna try to do any of those tips, pick a day you don't have any plans. Take you time. Use low heat if that will make you more comfortable and relaxed. And don't try to stop eating takeout all at once! It's hard! We have a ton of stuff to do! Try to make some sort of plan ("I want to eat three home cooked meals this week") and take it from there!
We all use food as comfort, this is human and normal. But something I learned is that the comfort from food is not sustainable long-term, because whatever is making you feel down and making you crave sugar and fat and salt is not going away after you eat. I really recommend researching about "Behavioral Nutrition", this made me much healthier and, more importantly, gave me a much healthier relationship with food in general.
I'm sending you much love! I understand completely where you are at and I wish you all the best :)
Slightly off-topic to start, but: it often spooks me, how many of us daughters of abusive, narcissistic mothers and enabling, raging fathers end up in the climate/environmental field. Can you let her know that she's not alone, and that I'm willing to share contact info if she wants to connect?
More on topic: I really struggle with self-care. Not just because of how far it's traveled from its revolutionary roots within BIPOC/queer/feminist communities, but also because--as a type 1 diabetic--self-care isn't soothing and doesn't feel good. It's work. It's needles and blood tests and frustration. I end up resentful of the time and effort I need to put into keeping my body operational, and doubly resentful that I'm supposed to enjoy it--or meant to find something else in addition that I can squeeze into my day and enjoy that. I also am becoming increasingly frustrated and disenchanted with its emphasis on individualism, on atomisation, which is very often the roots of the problems causing our distress in the first place. I think a lot now about community care and how we can build working models of caring for each other, particularly for those situations when 'self-care' either sounds like or is, "tough luck lady, you're on your own."
Hi Heather. Every time time you do this I always end up writing thank you because I just feel such gratitude in feeling connected to you and to others like me in this space. It’s so weird because for so long I felt like you were a part of my life but I never could talk to you. I had your words highlighted in your books and would refer to old blog posts, as if you were my oldest friend, the one who was always there when I needed you. When friends were sad or hurting, a quick google search with Polly + their problem always resulted in some beautiful wisdom and I would send it their way. I often thought of you and worried about your energy. You give so much. Anyway, you’re here now. We’re all interacting, chatting almost and I love COVID for that. I love that it made this accessible. I kind of always viewed you as this writing goddess, an unattainable kind of wisdom, and in responding and interacting with you I’m realizing so much of that already lives in me and these forums give me the opportunity to express that and I was receptive to your beautiful words because I AM a beautiful person. That said, you are still a goddess to me!! But now I am too!!
I appreciate this a lot, Katherine. Thanks for thinking of me but please don't worry about me - I get a lot from writing Ask Polly and feel grateful for it all the time. I'm so glad you feel like you've learned so much from my column. I think one thing that's great about doing these threads is that you can see how smart and insightful most Ask Polly readers are. I do get overwhelmed by how many letters I get and how little I can answer, so I love that we can all meet here and some of the thoughtful, funny people who read AP regularly can leap in and offer wisdom and share their experiences. I've often said that I automatically like anyone who reads my column regularly, because most of the time they're my kind of person: grateful, intense, complicated, sensitive. It's nice to have a (safe!) place to interact, at last. So thanks for reading and showing up here and also for writing this note. It matters to me a lot and I can't say enough how much I appreciate it. xoxo
Reaching out is so, so hard. And I feel like no one ever asks me for help so then if I do ask for help, I feel indebted with no hope of repaying the kindness. If I do get a chance to help, it’s nothing, think nothing of it, happy to do it (OH GOD HOW CAN I REPAY YOUR KINDNESS WHEN I NEEDED YOU). I have a terror of being a one-sided sponge.
I punished myself for years with not allowing myself things in the form of an eating disorder (about ages 14-25). Recovering from that set me on a path in my 20s where I had to heal physically...but the real surprise was that once my body was a bit better I had all these crazy, demanding feelings all the sudden where I didn't before. I had depression and terrible social and generalized anxiety too (which therapy and some time on medication helped to level out). Most of those crazy, squiggly feelings were encased in so much anger for a long time that it was hard to see much beyond all the ways I'd been wronged by people in the past and was being wronged by people in the present. Once things settled down more in my mid-twenties, I started to realize I had a big empty space inside that was comprised of a lot of fear and shame about a lot of things other than my body. My worth as a human, my ability to take up space emotionally, my ability to be loved and not neglected or left for trash. I was lacking hobbies that made me feel accomplished, knowing what movies or songs I liked, and just being able to discern what felt pleasurable. It's been a slow path back to those things, but I've been fortunate to have good therapy at different points for these things as I have learned (I can kick a bad therapist to the curb quickly - if they don't both help you feel safe sharing but also challenge and engage you on an emotional level it's moot), and I also have more good people in my life that are very "elephantine" and encourage me to feel all the things without judgment. I don't even really see myself as someone who had an eating disorder anymore, but I often check myself when I'm making choices that deny my own pleasure in favor of someone else's, or defer the hobbies that I enjoy in favor of not feeling like a failure or shameful. The most ironic thing is probably how I avoid the displeasure of starting something I will not be perfect at (like art or writing) to remain comfortable, but the pleasure of just working at these things almost always outweighs the initial displeasure of the fear. I'm learning how to engage more with that kind of displeasure, and not the other non-nourishing kinds- like the kind that tells you one of your avoidant exes is your person (let go of that one at this point!) or the kind you get from starving or going without. I had to learn some of this stuff to not die physically, since I got pretty close at 19, but I'd say a lot of it came out of dissatisfaction with a half-life of having an alive body that didn't know how to feel good and mostly felt terrible. Thank god for the displeasure that led me here. Thank you for doing these sharing posts, and contributing to community here when the internet is super divisive and terrible in a lot of ways. It really creates a pinpoint of light to see people reaching out to one another here. And I hope sharing this helps someone or gives them encouragement ❤️
Po
I love all of this so much. You've distilled so many things I've felt and gone through, and done it so concisely (cue my own shame over how fucking long-winded I am!).
I particularly relate to this:
"The most ironic thing is probably how I avoid the displeasure of starting something I will not be perfect at (like art or writing)."
I'm very aware of this in my life. I've often avoided experimenting or even revising sometimes because I dislike the sensation that I'm far out to sea and have to build a new kind of boat to get back to the safety of dry land. And when I'm out to sea, my brain says, "Goddamn you're bad at this!" instead of "Wow, this is cool, what are you going to do next? This is exciting and good!" So I'm trying to reprogram myself to savor the uncertainty of that experience, instead of settling into some shameful, fearful space that makes me want to run away and stop trying new things.
Also applies to new friendships with people who I experience as more accomplished or confident than me -- anyone who seems calm in a way that I'm not calm, or triggers some certainty that I'm WAY BEHIND them on some level. I mean, we're all good at different things and we've all dedicated our energies to different areas. That should feel normal, but someone there's a voice that says YOU SHOULD BE GOOD AT EVERYTHING.
Maybe the way to counter that is by embracing the message "I will fumble and be bad at a few things today!" as a kind of humble, sensual goal where trying and feeling out to sea and failing *is the actual point*.
Heather,
Holy crap, hello! I was so excited when I saw you commented on this and soaked up the praise.
But I did want to say, I ran into your writing (headfirst!) back in 2018 when I was temporarily staying with my dad and in a baaad place. I was looking for a new job, feeling ashamed about so many things, and got lucky enough to stumble into reading Ask Polly. I soaked it up so hard. I took a real shit job that I worked hard at for a year and a half based on some of your writing that was like hey, not doing stuff isn't a solution - and a lot of jobs just suck (but also our relation to their meaning, too). And that job sucked so hard, but later on I ended up with the best boss I'd ever had who said things like "take rest, things will be ok without you for a day" when i was sick, and who encouraged me to let certain things go to shit in the corporate environment so that the upper-levels would NOTICE THEIR STINK AND BE INCLINED TO FIX THEM. And jesus, so, your writing led to this happening and this woman changed my work life also (that seems to be a theme the last few years; I wasn't close to women for most of my life and they have been my saviors - not men).
The thing I *really* want to say, though, is your long-winded-ness is a treasure. So much of the language I have now is from all the things I have absorbed, the radishes and potatoes, the elephants, the shame, good "hunger" vs. bad "hunger." The importance of physical activity for mental sanity - so many things. I'm fan-girling and I know it, but I want you to know you've changed the course of my life at this real pivotal shitty moment. I sent my boyfriend this thread because I now have a boyfriend who is like what did you write? And wants to peer into my soul and understands hearing " i love all of this so much" from one of your favorite writers is real soul-food. And you said that thing about your husband being happy to be in the flood of your words, and that stuck with me as “this is how I want my person to be (really, need them to be, at least sometimes, reasonably so). But first, I knew to look for an elephant and that is all to your credit.
One of the biggest things that changed in my life earlier this year was developing a really good female friendship, and I've been following some of your thoughts on friendships with interest. I think she is the smartest, most gorgeous, kind/wholesome person with a huge side of snark and lovely darkness, and I would have never been able to like someone so much like me until this year. But the real funny thing is, we used to live in the same state and hung out like weekly, but we never fully connected because we were both afraid of being judged (this has been discussed between us) or not liked by the other BECAUSE WE LIKED EACH OTHER SO MUCH. Once covid happened, we started connecting more over messenger and later I pushed it to the phone, too. I have felt out to sea so many times in this friendship, going out to say things like "YOU'RE THE COOLEST PERSON EVER" or "I'M HERE FOR U IF U NEED TO TALK, I’M HAPPY JUST LISTENING TO U" and then having her, most of the time, reciprocate those feelings and get pulled back into harbor (albeit with some sea sickness!). I thought she was too gorgeous/too cool/too collected to be my friend. Turns out she's just like me, and thank god I just gave up on having fucks about being embarrassing with her - I got tired of letting the embarrassment stop me, and lockdown helped, too.
I really like what you've said about "savoring the uncertainty of the experience, instead of settling into some shameful, fearful space that makes me want to run away and stop trying new things." Yes, exactly that. I have been going to these sort of weird (covid-wise, but also just kinda esoteric) distanced meet up groups where we all sit really far away and talk about "what is real" and then do walking meditation, or another one where we do "shirin-yoku" (forest bathing; no, we don't actually get naked - it's too cold for that shit in the midwest anyways). But these things have been weird bc of covid, but also weird because of the new people who like the weird shit I do. But the best part is we do things like walk with no destination, pay attention to the textures of plants in the natural prairie, and ask ourselves what impression the land is leaving on us or what message it is trying to impart (yeah, it's hokey - but it does feel good to engage with it). There's no right way to meditate bc your mind is always doing weird shit (you try to put your mind in your feet and feel them instead of thinking and then realize you're just escaping distraction instead of letting it roll off) and there's no right one thing the prairie is trying to tell you. I love it because I thought maybe I'd be good, but there's no real way to be good other than to just do the thing (if that makes sense). I had some much older guy try to ask me out through one of these things (wtf?), and that could have ruined it (he literally talked over me trying to connect with another shy, smart woman from 6+ feet away in a one-on-one conversation! GAH!), but I just let him be whatever weird, loud, annoying man he is, over there, and don’t pay him much mind (I’m good at redirecting that kind of shit, anyways).
I think of Mary Oliver's "Wild Geese," both in this reply and in this wider conversation about pleasure and nurturing.
Anyways, I'm long-winded too, so I'll take a breath here.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Po
Wow, this made me cry. Thanks for writing it all down. I'm so happy for you, that you found a good listener of an elephant-radish boyfriend and you also found a good, admirable, caring friend! And now I sort of wish I had a forest walk-with-no-destination group, because that sounds amazing and hilarious and fun and odd all at once. It's dumb how embarrassed we can get about just connecting with each other and doing weird shit together, when it can bring so much strange joy and color into our lives. I love the part about letting the dude make his noises without throwing you off. Every time I think about wasting time on Twitter or reading too much bad news, I'm going to conjure your meditative forest walking and do something more interesting instead. Thanks again for showing up and throwing your enthusiasm onto the page, it means a lot to me. xo
This hits home so hard for me. I have been struggling with the avoidant exes thing. After years of therapy I'm starting to see that that's one of my main forms of self denial/self punishment, chasing after emotionally unavailable people and convincing myself they are my only chance to ever have a loving relationship or the only person I could ever love. Deep down it's that I don't really believe I deserve, or am actually scared of a truly open emotionally vulnerable relationship, so people who are avoidant (or even emotionally abusive) are actually safer in a weird way. I know that it stems from my family of origin, emotionally avoidant people feel like home.
I've been there and I get it. Po kind of addresses a lot of this, along with great reading suggestions, but I just want to add that understanding that avoidant people feel not just more attractive but safer is so important! People often tell this story like "Stop hurting yourself, idiot!" but the reality of it is more like THIS LOOKS GOOD AND IT'S FAMILIAR TO ME.
I'd also ask yourself if you aren't avoidant in some ways, too. Lots of insecurely attached people believe that they're needy and not avoidant, but when they meet people who are open and honest and supportive, it looks weak or odd or repugnant to them, thanks to the ways they were raised. I always scoffed at avoidant people and told myself I was loving and open and present, and over the past few years I've realized all the ways that I hide and dodge people while pretending that it's them, not me. It's absurd and embarrassing, but it also feels good to notice it because it explains SO MUCH that I continued to feel flummoxed about.
For avoidants who chase avoidants, vulnerability is the hardest thing, and it's also the key to feeling better, and more connected to others, and less defensive and anxious.
I knew I had been rejected by my mother, but only recently learned that a former stepmother had aggressively courted my father by being loving and attentive to me in a way I’d always craved, and then withdrew it and kicked me out of the house at 11 without a second thought. So no wonder if anyone brings me love I don’t trust it! And also the deep familiarity of feeling disposable and unwanted. Despairing ever repairing those foundational cracks.
So so true. I’ve finally begun to acknowledge that in myself after a breakup last year with an emotionally avoidant person who is also one of the most lovely sweet and kind people I know, which makes it so much harder to see than if they were just an asshole. As you often say people are complicated and multi faceted. Vulnerability is very hard for me and in the past I have definitely blamed that on others when I couldn’t acknowledge it in myself or when I was with addicts where I was “the good one” in the relationship and could only see their lack.
Also meant to say, I struggled with eating disorders when I was younger as well.
Kristina,
I HEAR YOU! And I think there's been a good discussion of some of the facets of chasing avoidance on Ask Polly; I've definitely delved into those particular writings with some serious chomp.
I grew up with my avoidant dad, and learned to hide my female-ness and feelings and needs (AND NOT EAT! UGH) so that he would like me (but really so I could survive - kids are hardwired to do whatever the heck will make them feel more safe). Not a big surprise, he is still very avoidant and flighty, and I can see how much that has impacted him in his older years. I've grown some compassion for him, and also have been working on much better boundaries in the last few years to have a relationship with him (I wasn't sure if I even wanted to at one point).
I think us sensitive people get real dinged up by that avoidant stuff. This might be a little off-base, but I highly recommend checking out the book "Attached." (I think one of the others is something Levine). That helped me move towards recognizing things from a broader context that wasn't all shameful and personal about friendships, relationships, even work relationships - and why I worked so hard to try try try with avoidant people in so many contexts. And it contextualizes what avoidance feels like for avoidant-ish people, which makes it much easier to see that they are super anxious too, but they use distance to quell it instead of seeking closeness.
I am so glad you posted here, and I hope your journey continues to bring you more fulfillment and pleasure along with the gritty hard stuff that life can be. Good on you for doing therapy. Also, plz hold out and look for those people that want to see you and care about you - JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE YOU. In the last year, I've developed a really good female friendship (someone I was aroundwuite a bit in the past, but was too afraid to open up to bc she is gorgeous and tall and so smart and funny), and more recently (in the last month) have met someone I'm dating that seems to do that so easily it's like, why the heck did I settle for avoidance?! Which I can answer, but you know. I really wasn't even that close to anyone in my life until the last few years - I was real lonely as fuck for most of my life. So, yes, please hang in there and have hope; the good people you are looking for are looking for you too ❤️
“The good people you are looking for are looking for you too” needs to be a tattoo.
Thanks for the reading suggestions and kind words ❤️
*authors, sorry for typos...on my phone!
Po- I know I'm a couple days late to the party here... and actually, I don't even know how to respond to this. I'm felling disorganized and not very eloquent and the moment, but I feel deeply compelled to respond with some jumbled attempt to express something. I guess I just wanted to say thank you for fucking putting this out in the world and reminding me of the Important Things. This thread between you and Heather made me cry.... because it's just All The Things. And as usual with ask polly, it seems almost freakishly uniquely tailored to address exactly the things that I need at the moment. I relate to you not just on the basic levels (anorexic from 13-33, almost died at 19, currently residing in midwest walking randomly through forests, etc) but on the learning to take care of yourself in a way that really means something. I'm still struggling not just to let my body have what it needs and do what it will, but also to 'Let the soft animal of my body love what it loves', to move through the world in a way where I'm allowed to take up space and follow my feelings and have pleasure just because.... I'm trying to occupy a space where all my weird flaws and needs and are okay and maybe a little bit beautiful. Which is why I'm responding, as muddled as this may be, because I wanted to connect- and I often deny myself connection- for the reasons you guys were discussing... feeling unworthy, not cool enough, not articulate enough, too needy.... So I'm just putting this out there as a little and imperfect way to take up the space I desire to take up. Also, I'm looking down the barrel of just letting go of my eating disorder. I know how insanely difficult it is to not only give up the restricting your food, but to let yourself live fully. So Jesus Christ, I'm so impressed with you. And, for lack of a less obnoxious word, inspired. So, thanks. I hope to run into you in the forest sometime.
Also- What the hell.... Heather if you read this. I absolutely second every single thing Po said about what your writing means to her. Your stuff landed in my lap like a gift from the universe exactly at the moment I needed it. And it continues to be almost spookily aligned with what I'm going through. There is noting like you anywhere in the universe and dear god am I glad I ran into your writing. This is only capturing about 1/18th of what I'd like to say and I'm sorry to be gushy. I'll just forgiving myself for it though!
Thanks so much for posting your thoughts here, even if there was a few days of delay (time doesn't exist in any regular form anymore, does it?).
There was so much fear with what would happen if I let go for many years, with food and with a lot of other things. It took a long time. Guess what? I had to gain weight, to become fuller, bigger, in a metaphorical sense and a literal sense. Some of that fullness was transient and some not. I experimented bit by bit, in a way that felt safe but pushed me out of my comfort zone. It didn't happen overnight, and no one else's recovery story quite lined up with my own path. But I found it meandering through books, other people, talking talking talking, and then being quiet and still with myself, moving to different states and meeting other parts of my self in other people and cultures, wandering through mountains in WV, and flatland forests here, too. Your heart will help you find yours.
Just keep taking the steps. It doesn't matter how many backwards you go, ever, so long as you make a step forward, even once, in the direction you imagine the fullest and best your life could be. And then it will change shape and become even richer than you could imagine while starving (that would've been "too much" at the time to conceive of). Pay attention to the world outside of you - the leaves and the bugs and the wind. Question your internal stories and don't push good people out too much for too long (because we all do need space sometimes). But you can find that space in the world, with you in it, and not in the space between your legs or other body parts. It can all be so much bigger and grander than you think, and so mundane and boring too in a wonderful way, if you let the questions lead you but not drive you nuts, and keep your feet pointed to where you want to be.
This was a really meandering response, but heartfelt, because I think you feeling out and finding your direction is more helpful than anything I can tell you to do, but I hope some of it calls to your heart (the part that wants much, much more).
<3 Po
Po-It's been an overwhelming week of deadlines and internet cuts on my end, but before the chance slips away I wanted to really deeply thank you for taking the time to write this. It's stuff I know in my bones but it's unbelievably wonderful to have someone else (a stranger!) mirror what I know to be true when I'm actually myself. This response means a lot more than I can say <3 <3 <3
I've gotten better at recognizing and shooing shame in acute situations—it helps to visualize a cauldron, inside which all of my stressors and feelings at a given moment are bubbling away, and it's about to overflow, and I'm holding a gigantic vial labeled "SHAME" with a skull-and-crossbones, full of something viscous and gross, and I stop to ask myself, "Okay, why in the world would I add shame to this?" It's a very specific thought exercise but it helps.
But, I struggle when I take the long-term view. I don't know how to deal with the cauldron when it's gigantic and contains years of stressors and feelings. I think that pouring in the shame is extremely justified, because I haven't finished the writing project I went to grad school for, and if I'd worked even a little bit harder I'd have so much more to show for it, and 31 feels abominably old when I compare myself to my peers.
It seems to me like everyone I'm close to has a different motivational engine inside them, but theirs are more similar to each other's than mine is to anyone's. This applies to creative work, but also exercise, house work, etc. I can't imagine my friends sitting on their butts as often as I do. I'm positive they don't!
And I know that comparison is the thief of joy, but I can't help but feel that I would be so much less prone to shame if I just knew how other people operated from hour to hour, day to day. I'm so fucking curious. I want the meticulous log. I want to compare my minute-to-minute behaviors with other people's so that I can either grasp a baseline for embarrassment or realize (with proof!) that everyone's so incredibly different that embarrassment is meaningless.
I don't know how to let go of this need for the log, and the vague, abstracted shame I feel about being a more sedentary person who just doesn't find organic enjoyment in work as easily.
I know what you mean about wanting a minute-to-minute log -- though there was a time when those types of articles about daily habits would send me into a pit of despair over how bad my habits were. That said, I think you might be overanalyzing what makes you DIFFERENT AND UNIQUELY FUCKED, which is its own kind of a bad habit. I have a friend who says "I just can't exercise!" and what I hear is a kind of religious incantation. I don't love working out, I drop it all the time even though I'm absurdly full of fire and brimstone on its importance in my life. I just have the good habit of thinking, at 5 pm every day, "I need to fucking work out right now if I don't want to feel grumpy and shitty all the time." And then I have the bad habit of thinking "Fuck working out, forever." And then I have the good habit of saying "I'll just put on my stupid workout clothes and turn the stupid DVD on with the idiot guy talking about bringing it and crushing it, and I'll half-ass my way through a few milliseconds of it." My husband and I have taken to geekily calling this The Hah-Fahsse Method (French accent). Even calling it something stupid is a good habit, because it reminds me that I can Hah-Fahsse my way through it and it'll still make me feel better over the long haul.
Small good habits that trick you into moving are pretty much at the root of this. Small good habits that you then CONNECT TO FEELINGS that you want. You have to notice how you feel, though, when you feel good. You have to notice that it doesn't feel good to tell yourself the same dusty story about how you're someone who can't do the things that other people do. That's a bad habit. You can dig for answers, sure, but you want to break out of the narrative you have around deficits -- at least if it's not really working that well for you and it leads you into a place of bad habits and insecurity.
I want to also say that having at least some of your day that's very rigidly scheduled can be helpful. I have always avoided schedules and rules and organization at all costs -- a pretty dumb way of life for someone who works from home -- because I associate them with feeling oppressed and down and punished. But for the past two years, I've started to let myself get up whenever I wake up, and whenever I happen to wake up, I always, always write. I'm not allowed to do anything else. That's the most rigid part of my day: from waking up to four hours later.
I also had a breakthrough when I realized that you can't fucking write for more than six hours a day unless you're, I don't know, some kind of a cyborg. So the rest of my day is all about trying to figure out what else I need to make enough money, feel decent, support my kids, exercise my dogs, whatever. It's a free for all, honestly, which sounds pretty loose and luxurious but is probably not as scheduled and organized as it should be, given how much HAPPIER I AM WHEN I'M ON THE LITTLE MORNING HAMSTER WHEEL OF WRITING!
So that's my other point: Experiment with "oppressive" schedules until you figure out which one actually feels BETTER than having a completely loose, open stretch of time with nothing to do but lie around feeling pissed off at yourself for not being a different person!
Anyway, I relate to your interest in logs and schedules and also to your shame and also to your disconnection from exercise and work! Even though that doesn't show in what I just wrote, that is really WHO I AM, too. It took me years to nurture my connection to my work, even when I felt like I had a good job. I just didn't enjoy the work. Or that was the story I told myself, because I didn't say no to assignments I didn't want or decide for myself what I actually did enjoy. So maybe part of this is that you need to assert more boundaries and desires in your career somehow? Easier said than done, I know. Anyway, best of luck and thank you for posting this!
Thank you so much for all of this insight. It's incredibly helpful, from top to bottom.
I love the idea of experimenting with "oppressive" schedules, because I ADORE the idea of them, but often make them too regimented and unrealistic. Your writing routine sounds like the perfect mix of strict and loose! I'll strive for that balance too. <3 Reading this whole thread this morning has been so validating and lovely.
So glad it was helpful!!
I just finished the book The Power of Habit - not usually my jam ("if you just work HARDER you will succeed", just no), but dammit if it hasn't legit changed my life.
I'm going to try your writing regime tomorrow! I've been struggling with all this since I just started to freelance. Wow, hearing other people struggle with it made me feel better. I always feel like other people have actual motivation and I'm just hanging around here, making stupid cookies.
You know how NY Mag does Sex Diaries? I want productivity diaries, like so much.
honestly yeah; the writing side of the work I do takes months to have a finish and it would be nice to acknowledge that one hour of something towards that goal is actually huge.
Please god no.
I feel this. I get into these mental loops sometimes where I keep obsessing about all of the “steps” necessary in a day, and how overwhelming it is to think about all of them at once. Like, I have to WAKE UP (step 1), TAKE A SHOWER (step 2), GET DRESSED (step 3), EAT (step 4)...I haven’t even gotten out the door yet and I’m overwhelmed. (Just for the record, I don’t tend towards depression, so I don’t think it stems from that, even though it kinda sounds like it) I think some people just DO these things without thinking about them so hard and that’s their secret? I dunno dude. But idk I feel like at the end of the day everyone struggles with getting stuff done. And most people are totally unrealistic with how many things they think they SHOULD get done in a day.
This is a good point. I used to make to do lists with 15 things on them. Now I limit myself to 1 or 2 things and call the day a success if I do them. Somehow I get more done now, overall, now that the bar for success is much lower.
The baseline for success I mean. Like I happily do many more things after the first 2, because I AM ALREADY A SUCCESS SO I'M IN A GOOD MOOD. It's a little bit of self-trickery that seems to work for me, possibly because I am simple like dog.
Tooootally. Things go much more smoothly when we don’t set ourself up for failure!
Oh my gosh, yes. My brain is like, "Listing everything out is soothing! Break it up into an oncoming stampede of discrete tasks!" and then is like, "Did I just say stampede? Haha oh god run." Limiting it to very few, very doable things really is the way to go.
I feel this SO effing much. I'm a "sedentary" type as well, and it's so hard not to feel irrevocably broken when literally no one else I know has as hard of a time sustaining motivation as I do. I don't even wanna think about how many work hours I've frittered away trying to stop distracting myself and actually get. something. done. I know what it is to feel like I need more rest/recuperation time than everyone around me, and to never feel like I've truly gotten enough, and I wish I knew a fix for it, but I'm still working on this too.
I really love the image you described, though--metaphors like that are about the best (only?) thing I've found to get out of my way long enough to complete one (1) task.
Ugh, yessss. Sometimes I just feel like if I don't have a solid FOUR-HOUR (at least!) chunk of NOTHING SCHEDULED ahead of me, then it's impossible to get ANYTHING done. And sometimes I'm able to forgive myself for that, and other times, not so much. It's really heartening to hear that you identify with the sustaining-motivation difficulties.
Same!! If I have something else scheduled aside from what I'm trying to do that's coming up in like, 30 min to an hour, my brain's like, welp, no sense starting anything! There's no time! (Even if I could have knocked out a couple things during time I spent on IG or reading internet articles or whatever...le sigh). That said--I really really love Heather's strategy for combining loose and strict components into a daily schedule and setting the bar for "success" nice and low. I need to try that! I have a 9 to 5 kind of job so I don't have total control over it, but there are still ways to incorporate that approach, I bet. And the self-forgiveness bit--so key, and yet so difficult at the same time. But no time like the present to get started.
I am a sedentary person too and I lived with a personal trainer and guess what, I learned literally NOTHING from her haha! You are you and that is beautiful. There are a few key things that help us feel better because we are animals - exercise and nutrients. Can you add these into your routine somehow in a way that is right for YOU? Thank you for your cauldron metaphor; I really liked it!
YES the cauldron thing is so good. I always say that shame amplifies every emotion and makes it more crushing and awful, to the point where the emotions themselves, without the shame, aren't even bad. But this image takes it to the next level! Also love the underlying witch theme, of course.
Love a good witch theme.
It's ... incredibly reassuring to hear that living with a personal trainer didn't suddenly cause you to metamorphose into a fitness-person. I'm slooooowly realizing the importance of customization, and having strong standards around what I like vs. what I'm forcing myself to try and like. It was actually groundbreaking when I played a bit of tennis recently and remembered that I earnestly enjoy parts of it!
*witch cackle*
I write a newsletter (on this same platform actually) for my family and friends where I share recipes but also just muse about whatever I feel like. Yesterday, it was raining and I was joking writing about how I feel very beta when it’s sunny because it’s not my natural state to be active but when it’s a rainy day I OWN it and I really just rock that. In writing that jokingly and also reading your post today, it made me think: maybe knowing how to relax and be sedentary sometimes really is a strength and nothing to be ashamed of. I’ve been trying to do a small walk every day and of course I shame myself for not being an Olympian, but maybe I should also praise myself for knowing how to relax and make muffins and slow cook chicken stock for 5 hours and not have a care in the world.
I love visualisations. Thank you.
To give you an idea: I had three goals for myself today, and I will do only one of them *at best*. And five hours of unfocused work per day is my hard limit.
I experienced a revolutionary shift in perspective in therapy this week about parenting myself. It's something I had heard many times but I hadn't understood it.
It was simply that there is a child with needs inside me, and I have to be the adult that will care for her.
I can't explain it any other way that conveys why I suddenly understood it this time. But thanks for putting this topic out there Heather.
I also suddenly had this shift last week, after working aggressively on my self loathing for 1.5 years! I also can’t explain how I suddenly understood it this time, but all the sudden I felt sympathy and tenderness for my inner teenager, for the first time in my life.
It took me ages to see it's OK to have an inner child! I still struggle with taking care of her. thanks for sharing your experience
Me too! Thank YOU. Turns out I'm pretty angry at my inner child for being so pathetic?! Which feels shameful in itself but hey ho this is how we move forward isn't it?
THIS IS WHERE I LANDED when I couldn't take this message in. I realized that I hated my inner child, thought she was a pathetic brat, and that she deserved to suffer. So when people told me to "love that child" I was always like, "LOVE HER? Fuck that kid, she sucks!"
So first I had to say, "I am going to tolerate how bad she sucks."
Then: "I'm going to try to accept her, even though she's annoying."
Then: "I will try to see this broken child as faintly deserving of love, even though she's not."
Then: "Okay, this inconvenient, slow child is kind of sad and cute, in a rusted-out pathetic sort of way. I will try very hard to give her love in spite of great flaws."
And now, I sometimes think my inner child is a brilliant prophet and a poet, and other times I think she's interesting, for sure, but hugely embarrassing. That's more black and white/ grandioise and insecure than I'd like, but what can you do? It's a long road!
Love this sub-thread though, and this (apparently widely shared) struggle!
Exactly exactly this. I'm so glad I'm not alone. Thanks for showing me there's a way through.
Oh god yes this! I’m still scraping the tarry sides of the barrel of Proof of Worthlessness Monkeys and I’m still stuck on trying to accept needy inner child who should have grown up and learned better by now. This thread couldn’t be better timed. Thank you.
I think so! I often write letters of sorts to her or even imagine she's my kid (I don't have kids myself yet). at first (and sometimes still) it felt very weird and narcissistic but then I was like shit I'm writing to her in my own journal--which is exactly the place for introspection! what's something that your IC does that pisses you off?
Wow, I think that's a wonderful idea. Totally get the self-judgement, totally agree that it's not necessary.
Well she just can't control herself! And if only I could be perfectly controlled and good, without her temper sabotaging me, then I could right all the worlds wrongs (that are incidentally my fault). You know? :)
I totally get this. I think I used to get locked up on the idea of loving and also calling your inner child "good." When I lose my temper (as with your example) I don't feel like that's "good" or lovable. So when I can't accept or love, I try to shift to forgiving myself. My inner child might not be that well behaved or good, but she at least deserves my forgiveness. We're all flawed humans who're repeatedly humbled by our flaws. Deciding you're going to cast off every last flaw and be perfect someday is a recipe for frustration and unhappiness.
I hear that! Similar behavior over here and very focused on no one *seeming* to like her. I bet our IC would play along grumpily and happily together
I'm still trying to figure out the "be your own parent" thing because I didn't have parents that modeled good parenting for me. Maybe I need to look at the things my friends' parents did for me as a teen because they knew I didn't have adults who were really involved in my life.
The parent thing doesn't work as a model for me, either. Sometimes I try to think of it more as inviting all of my unlovable and needy and wicked selves into the picture and letting them have space and treating them ALL with compassion. I think independent, stubborn, strange alter-egos with crazy whims and desires that should be respected feels more full and colorful to me than a parenting image.
Ooh, that's the hard part, inviting them out and treating all of them with compassion when most days I want to squish them all together into something resembling a soccer ball and then yeet 'em into traffic.
So if anyone is desperately trying to boot your alter egos into the street, it's not super effective in my experience.
I have to learn to sit with that soccer ball and peel it apart and then sit with those guys and let them be valid for a while.
Meee toooo hugggggggg
I get this but, forgive me, I really don’t like children. I never had dreams of having kids and am so glad I didn’t. So it’s hard to find any child (inner or outer) interesting. I go out of my way to avoid children, I think I just had my fill of nieces and nephews from a very young age. I need another model. My inner puppy would get ALL my attention. Hmmm... 🧐
I don't like or want kids either! I just try to give myself the acceptance I give the natural world. Like, I would never criticize the plants for not being able to grow in a certain spot, I just move them.
I think self care doesn’t always feel good at first. Boundaries are self care. Saying no is self care. Pushing yourself to exercise when you want to eat a donut and cry is self care. As someone who is coping with a breakup with an addicted partner, self care has been releasing any sort of responsibility for him. But also eating a donut and crying is good too. :)
This is so true. I'm in the midst of setting much-needed boundaries for my intrusive, controlling mother and it definitely got worse before it got better. I'm working on releasing myself from the idea that I can make her understand how hard it was to have her neglect me for as long as she felt like it, then just when I got used to the idea that she didn't care, swooping in and dominating everything about my life until she got bored or irritated that I couldn't just be the kid she wanted. I've accepted that she can't apologize and has convinced herself she's not responsible for how she raised me, now I need to learn to give myself comfort and hugs and remember I'm responsible for my actions, not hers.
I need to connect in the moment with what I'm using as self-care; I feel like sometimes a Donut-Assisted Cry is fine and necessary, but more often I just need a walk in the sunshine, and I need to find a way to do the walk more often.
You said in one of these threads recently something about the overlap between people who procrastinate and people who never reward themselves, and I've been thinking so much about this.
I'm 30 and just now realizing how my whole life I punish myself for being capable, smart, talented, etc. by treating success like it's regular, like excelling should be the baseline. I'm a star in a very bougie PhD department and I don't think I ever celebrated anything -- not publishing, not finishing my exams, not even getting accepted. I have never even gone to any graduation ceremony in my life! Let alone celebrated.
Anyway, I'm trying to build in more rewards for myself. I went through a tough breakup and bought myself a little gold ring. I love wearing it.
That's great to hear. Small symbolic rewards can feel so gratifying, when you've lived your entire life never giving yourself a moment to rest, let alone celebrate or enjoy yourself. A lot of my boy-craziness (if you can call it that) when I was younger was just a grab for some down time: when I was with a boyfriend, I could hang out, watch movies, drink a beer, relax, but whenever I was alone again, I was supposed to be improving myself, working out, cleaning, doing some important bit of work to advance my career.
I didn't realize until my second book came out -- and got good press! and sold well! -- that not only couldn't I feel my own successes, but I was EMBARRASSED BY THEM. Like it was shameful to actually get something I wanted, and I had to downplay it and act like it wasn't my FAULT that I finally had something enviable.
Whew!!! That was 2016 and I've come a long way since then. But it's also something that plays out on a very mundane level: I don't deserve to take a week off. I don't deserve to lie around the house talking on the phone to friends. I don't deserve to have hobbies because that's too frivolous. I think when your entire relationship to what you want and what you deserve is disrupted, it takes years just to recalibrate yourself so you can not only choose something that feels good to you, but you can drop things that stop feeling good without forcing them into a PRODUCTIVE AND WORTHWHILE shape.
You're here to enjoy your life. You need to figure out how to do that, and get in the habit of doing it, and defend the importance of doing it -- to yourself!
Anyway, congratulations on your academic accomplishments AND your ring! Keep celebrating what you've done and treating your hard work with the awe and respect it deserves. xo
I love jewelry as a reward! after a break up last Feb. I got myself a gold necklace with a tiny heart charm. <3
"We act like it’s normal to have to work hard even when we’re feeling anxious and miserable, because that’s how life was for us as children a lot of the time."
I was especially struck by this line in your column today. I can relate to the letter writer's childhood upbringing and have struggled off and on with feeling miserable about my life (but also engaging in behaviors that would probably not make it better) because I had believed I deserved to feel that poorly.
This year has been different for me personally in that regard due to the fact that my work and home lives have coalesced for the foreseeable future since my partner and I work at the same place, and now we both work from home. With no distinction between work and home, I ended up working very long hours and panic reading the news. I felt a lot of guilt as my job had not been affected and we were able to go home no problem, and in some ways it felt like I needed to spend my off-hours informed. Obviously, I burnt out quickly.
Eventually I had to start taking more time for myself and I have felt so much better since. I have grown a vegetable garden this year and it has been a wonderful salve for my anxious brain.
I am currently punishing myself for opening up your essay and email first thing this morning and ruminating on how I am the queen of self-punishment instead of just getting my work done. Narcissistic parents who screamed at each other-check; suppressing my needs and emotions to protect my younger siblings from said parents-check; over-achieving to the point of selecting only the hardest elements of my field to define my success-check; complete lack of boundaries with my avoidant husband for several decades-check; continuing to labor at “making it work” with said husband despite the recent revelation of his five-year affair-check. I could go on and on and on.
What has helped: 10 years of therapy; finding friends that I could be vulnerable and honest with; having two amazing kids who made me realize just how fucked up it was that my parents treated me the way they did; carving out weekends away from family and demanding parts of work to focus on what really drives me-designing scientific research; good books with deep complicated characters; running in the woods; listening to birds sing.
I’m likely 10 years older than you Polly, and still finding it hard to accept that I AM ENOUGH without self-recrimination. Happy to see all the young-uns trying to break these habits early; it gets harder and harder the longer you deprive yourself of your wants and needs.
I'm sorry it's been such a hard road for you. I relate particularly to "selecting only the hardest elements of my field to define my success." I've always told myself "Oh sure you're good at x but the best people are good at y." Eventually you start to notice you don't value y and the things you're good at are also more fun for you, so why not enjoy them instead of feeling ashamed that you are who you are, with the particular talents and quirks that you happen to have?
One thing that helped me with deciding I was "enough" was thoroughly and completely deconstructing what our culture's view of "good" was. I started to realize that I've always felt more free and relaxed when BAD words were in the mix, words like BOSSY and GREEDY and VICIOUS and ABSURD. I needed a sense of self that was built out of dark words in order to understand and feel good about who I was. My writing on my Ask Molly newsletter was a big part of that process -- suddenly I had a place to explore and also befriend my WORST self instead of constantly trying to become my BEST self.
My worst self turns out to be a lot more fun, too.
Went looking for an Ask Molly post that might feel relevant and found this.
https://askmolly.substack.com/p/magic
YOU ARE ENOUGH!
Thanks, I love your Molly essays but have clearly been a cheap-skate in not subscribing ;) I'll have to fix that-also to admire the great art you pick for them.
P.S. Welcome to the Ottolenghi fan club- I refer to him as "my boyfriend"
Man, oh man do I struggle with this! I spend a lot of my work day getting distracted and I guilt trip myself all day long. Then once the day is mostly over and I don't have much to show for it, I end up thinking, screw it, I'm just having a hard time, so I'm not going to feel bad about this and I can try again tomorrow. But I don't think I actually believe that it's truly acceptable that I am not a perfect productive worker 100% of the time, because I have these icky feelings that I don't really know how to deal with. Once I finally have free time at the end of the night, I avoid all the self-care things that I actually want to do (read books, exercise, exfoliate my damn face, watch a show I've been interested in, drink hot tea), and instead I just end up spending two or three hours sitting at the kitchen counter reading the latest horrific news about what is going on in our country and getting worked up over the idiocy of right-wing ideology. I go to bed feeling awful because I didn't actually take care of myself and instead just let my brain stew in this negative state for a few hours, and then the next day I am in such a funk that I can't focus on work and I once again spend all my time looking for distractions and things to make myself feel temporarily better. Breaking that cycle feels so overwhelming, and I have not yet managed to find a way to snap out of it.
I am in the exact same place. Not taking care of myself, my dog, my life...knowing that I need to but ending up doomscrolling for hours on end. Telling myself I’ll do better tomorrow but getting sucked back into the same pattern the next day.
Ugh, sorry to hear that. It's so hard to look away. I think maybe part of my problem is also that as a perfectionist, I tend to see this as an all-or-nothing issue. It feels overwhelming to address because I struggle to see the value of small wins, and I get stuck waiting around for myself to come up with some sudden revelation that FIXES ME.
Yes! Feeling like I’ve let things go so much that the effort to get back to how I think they should be is overwhelming! And wanting some ?i don’t know what? to magically fix it all. A reset/rewind button maybe?
I love the idea of self-care but I'm having trouble identifying what it would even look like for me. It seems like nothing helps me feel rested anymore—I can't find it in me to write, going outside and smelling the smoke from all the fires is just stressful, even hanging out with my girlfriend feels like work. Beyond that, I'm behind on multiple projects (again) and I feel guilty for resting at all.
Growing up with some undiagnosed mental health issues meant I was constantly punished for falling behind. Even when I was doing my best, it wasn't enough. I'd just like to be enough for the neurotypical world, even for one day, so I can relax without shame.
Asserting your boundaries, saying no, insisting (at least privately) on doing a limited amount of work when you feel the most up for it and focused, and then rewarding yourself with rest that does feel restorative - those are things you should consider. Because it sounds like you're a people pleaser who has trouble expressing your limits without shame. Even if you've been shamed into the ground for this stuff before, it's still crucial to understand what you need and stand up for it. It also sounds like you need some time alone where you give yourself space to just be -- and you forgive yourself for who you are. I know it's not easy at all. But the more you're able to embrace and accept your particular traits and quirks and needs privately, the more you'll be able to assert what you need out in the world. I'd also figure out how to make your time with your girlfriend more relaxing -- ask her for what you need. It's no good to feel like no one in the world cares how you feel! You have to stand up for what you want if you want to be happy. You also have to slow down and figure out what you want. It takes time. But trust me, you want some things you won't admit, even to yourself. You'll feel better when you understand your needs a little better.
Wow...these exact themes surfaced in my morning pages this morning...self-protection, joy, and most importantly, the intention to START TAKING UP MORE SPACE. As women we are conditioned to live small. You said it first, and best, but I second it. Cheers, Polly!
I am going to read this to two of my eating disorder clients this week. They need to hear exactly this. Thank you
I love that letter and I love your response. I really relate to creating crisis so I can solve it. (I currently have a shoulder impingement that got very painful because I ignored it when it was just a twinge.) I'm also often on other people's side of the street. Part of this is a deep desire to understand but it's also about avoiding doing the things I need to do on my side. I would like to have a life where the word "pleasure" did not sound illicit and where I was as good at expecting wonders as I am at expecting problems. It is definitely a practice.
Superficially, I'm great at self care. If you look a little closer I am AWFUL at it, because I am a tyrant to myself. Anyone else read Jia Tolentino's Trick Mirror? The Always Be Optimizing chapter could be about me...
I think you can read it here, too: https://www.theguardian.com/news/2019/aug/02/athleisure-barre-kale-tyranny-ideal-woman-labour
Polly, a year ago you selected my letter about my eating disorder, and my shitty ex, and my drinking problem, and my respectable career, and my running injury, and told me
1) not to confuse my own formidable ambition that I am somewhat ashamed of with an attraction to grandiose, self-confident men,
2) and not to confuse productivity with purity,
3) not to confuse resting with weakness (or something like that).
and to feel my way forward and basically learn to understand when I WANTED to exercise, and when I WANTED to rest (and not just follow my seventh half marathon training plan to a T and wonder why I want to sleep and am angry all the time).
I am still working on it but I gotta say things have improved. And there was a while there that I WAS POSITIVE your advice was not working bc for so many months I will still lazy, still not fitting into my clothes, still moody, still hurt from my injury, still hurt from my ex. But then I let go and felt my way forward and things shifted almost GLACIALLY SLOW but they DID shift. and they are still shifting. There are days I eat way too many tortilla chips but instead of punitive action the next day?? I am just like, oh darn, k.
I had three glorious delicious gourmet pancakes on my birthday two weeks ago and a spicy ass bloody mary, and then a nap, a bath, and a shit load of sushi. But I also eat beautiful salads many nights a week bc I want them. I found a physical therapist that I like, respect, and connect with and she has me doing amazing things for my running form and I really feel like I can finally ACTUALLY FEEL when I'm sore and shouldn't push it and when I have glucose to burn and should push it. I am not yet in my pre-injury form, but I am so beyond confident I will get there and this time I'll get there eating pancakes when I want to. I lost the post-breakup-drinking-problem-comfort-eating weight but yet I am still magically eating pancakes and having blood marys, I cannot even stress how important of a victory that is to me as a former anorexic/bulimic.
Moving forward I really want to eke out just how much diet culture bullshit I can banish from my brain (seriously, Jia's piece is SO good) while also still honoring the part of me that DOES see myself as an athlete and a hot girl.
I echo the people who've said it's so hard to know how to feel good about anything we've achieved, or how to relax after. I'm coming off a 4 and a half year intense marathon of writing a novel (which I got a book deal for, with a small advance but still, yay!) alongside day jobs and I have no idea how to feel any sense of satisfaction, joy or achievement in finally finishing it. Instead I'll wake up the morning after the final manuscript is in and worry that I'm 39 and haven't had a baby yet. I just want to know *how* to appreciate the work I've done and the time and care I've put in, but instead all I know is an empty inner voice that says get over yourself, you wanted a family just as much and now you're fucking that up. Argh!
It might in part be because my parents made it clear to me until my mid-twenties, when they realised I wasn't going to change my mind about it, that spending my life trying to write fiction was selfish, self-indulgent and would only end in failure. In part they were trying to protect me (from the financial difficulties of it), but I'm sure the fact I can't feel good on any deep level about achieving something I've put years of love and time and energy into stems directly from that.
Congratulations!!! I think novel writing is the hardest fucking thing in the world. I have a draft of a novel that was so hard to write that I've avoided revising it for years, because I dread going back into that THIS IS SO FUCKING HARD space every day.
Accomplishing your BIG GOAL is a big deal and even though you can't feel it right now, you might find that it sinks in over time. But in some ways - ugh - achieving something that big opens the door to all of the other things you need. Even after you have kids, there are times you think MY GOD I HAVE IT ALL BUT LOOK AT ME, I'M A MESS AND I CAN'T FEEL MY FEELINGS NEARLY ENOUGH.
Feeling where you are and taking satisfaction in it is a practice. It is a BIG BIG challenge for some of us. You're at the starting line now. It's alarming, I know, but you have to lean into this humbling moment and welcome its lessons, because you'll emerge a happier person if you do. Don't despair: be vulnerable and feel this. There's probably a lot of sadness and mourning that you've put off while writing this novel that you have to feel BEFORE your body will let you feel joy and satisfaction. You also have to believe that you deserve this -- that you deserve happiness in general, and that you deserve to BE AN AUTHOR OF A BOOK. I struggled with alllll of that stuff at first. I don't think I felt my first book that much at all. Slow down and try to let it in, every day. The "bad" emotions will lead you to the good ones in time. xo
Holy cow, congratulations! And, I hear you, so much.
Thank you!!
Oh, man, Heather, this one hit so close to home I had to backtrack and make sure *I* didn't write it.
"Because you had a narcissist for a mother, you feel neglected a lot, whether people are neglecting you or not. You also neglect yourself. You also neglect other people. You also give way too much of yourself without noticing. You also want to solve everyone else’s problems all the time. You also can’t stand it when someone else is doing something THE WRONG WAY. You want things done THE RIGHT WAY, always."
I mean.... Fuck! Last time you opened a thread I said I feel like I alway have to try so so hard to be a GOOD daughter, wife, friend. I try to help everyone and when then don't follow my (PERFECT AND WELL-THOUGHT) advice, I get grumpy and feel neglected. "Why did you ask, then?" It's a lot.
For the better part of the 2018 and 2019 I felt like I was getting so much better in giving myself what I deserve, in reparenting myself, both letting myself feel all the things and also making myself do the things I didn't want to but knew would do me good (exercise, therapy). Then at the tailgate of 2019 I started neglecting myself again. Stopped exercising, left therapy. Then... Covid. And I'm still on this whirlwind of "WHAT THE FUCK SHOULD I DO" with no end in sight! It's the worst being stuck in a 1-bedroom apartment. I can't get the exercise I like to do. I hate the thought of therapist-shopping through Zoom or whatever. I'm getting takeout a lot. I'm also considering if my husband would be better without me. I don't know, I just relate a lot.
I have an addiction of my own - takeout food which always tastes better than homemade food. In your column, you write "Forgiving yourself means learning to enjoy your day instead of working yourself into the ground." What if your addiction is how you enjoy your day and relax from working? What if the letter writer is trying to enjoy her day and alcohol is the easiest way to do it (while for me it is takeout)? The punishment only comes later and that's the problem. I'm still young so I don't even feel heavy-ness or stomach upset with takeout food. But the punishment is coming in a decade or so when I'm unhealthy.
I guess the answer is to enjoy the actual day and not your drug of choice. But what about the day is there to enjoy? Work takes up most of the day and is tiring and annoying. 30 minutes of TV? (meh). A hobby that mostly leaves me more tired since I was already tired from working? (also meh). The only thing that makes me feel excited, relaxed, and happy is my drug of choice - takeout food. Nothing else seems to compare.
I'm not sure I'd put takeout food on the same level as half a bottle of gin, honestly, but if you're preoccupied with this choice, I'd say some part of you is aching to get into a healthier state and you're projecting your resistance onto this discussion. Any time you're moved to dive in and say something charged about something fairly neutral, you have to examine what emotions are in play for you and where they're coming from.
I eat all kinds of bad stuff and I also fall into a space of "What can I do? This is the one thing that makes me happy right now!" I have noticed that when I'm thinking that way, I'm usually behaving punitively toward myself throughout the entire day -- not just as I'm getting my work done, but after work and into the night, too. It's not just that I'm tired, my brain is also telling me, "Look at you, ordering in instead of cooking, skipping your workout to eat Good and Plenties, what a slob." Part of recalibrating your sensibilities around rewards and indulgence and also enjoying your time ties back to slowing down and giving yourself enough space to understand what you love and break out of habits that don't bring you enough enjoyment if you do them too much.
These are lifelong challenges, of course, and if it were easy as hell to solve them, our entire culture would take a different shape. I think my own personal recalibration around indulgence is based on figuring out what I enjoy, when I enjoy it, and how much I enjoy it. For example, I don't enjoy food NEARLY as much if I don't exercise a lot. I also like cooking a lot more when I'm working out regularly. I try very hard to notice when I'm scarfing down my food and slow that down. This isn't about weight, to be clear, it's entirely about loving the sensations of eating. I mean, when I'm really in tune with my senses, I notice that I enjoy eating fruit more than I enjoy pouring candy into my head.
But I've also noticed that I don't give a fuck about TV anymore, so I have to find more interesting ways to entertain myself at the end of the day. And I also need to take breaks during the day so that I don't enter into the nighttime hours feeling like a broken robot.
It sounds to me like you're a little worried about your health and you're also working too hard and not taking enough time during the day, in between tasks, to reconnect with what feels good. Getting into the habit of tuning in to your body and how it feels throughout the day, slowing down and savoring your rewards, and asking yourself open questions about what interests you beyond immediate end-of-day fixes will probably improve your relationship to your work week and brighten your outlook a little. Even trying to contemplate work that isn't tiring and annoying (without sinking into despair over the limited possibilities) might help if you're gentle with yourself along the way. It's not simple, as I said, but it's worth trying a few new things and loosening up your conviction that there's nothing new to try and nothing will ever change. Good luck!
Thank you for listening and responding! "not taking enough time during the day, in between tasks, to reconnect with what feels good." This definitely rings a bell for me. Something I realized was my social anxiety was making me feel tired during the work day. So I have to work on not beating myself up all day for the (perceived) mistakes I make at work. I have also been trying water-coloring as a hobby! Hasn't been as great as food but its something.
Hey Jessica, just wanted to say I relate to your feelings around takeout a lot. I often feel a sense of shame in relying on takeout for sustenance and barely ever cooking. Like BARELY EVER, and even when I eat at home it’s usually something already prepared or frozen. We live in a world where home cooking is seen as the epitome of “health”, but that notion seriously needs to be interrogated. It’s unrealistic (and the expectation is sort of classist) for a lot of folks to cook on a regular basis for a whole host of reasons. Also, we live in a culture that HIGHLY moralizes food, when the truth is, food should not be seen as “good” or “bad”. I worked in eating disorder treatment for years and have seen the worst of the good/bad food mentality can do to people. At the end of the day, food is just food, and eating takeout isn’t necessarily going to lead to “consequences” down the line.
My parents never cooked growing up, coincidentally, so I feel it’d take an inordinate amount of effort for me to change. I believe food is truly one of the great joys in life. It’s okay to take pleasure in food. It’s okay for a good meal to be the only thing keeping you sane during a stressful day. I write this from the bottom of my heart because I know EXACTLY how you feel. Shame still comes up for me (nowadays, mostly on how much money I end up spending on food - but that’s a whole other issue), I’m not perfect on this, but I feel like I’ve come a long way on it.
Agree with all of this, and I indulge myself in takeout, and booze, and greasy stuff, and sugar, so I am no saint on this front and I'm not young enough to see it as consequence-less. BUT. I do want to say that I bought Ottolenghi's Simple cookbook and it's kind of revolutionized my relationship to what you can make that's extremely satisfying and also easy and quick. Sorry for being THAT PERSON but I am a little bit of a zealot about that cookbook in particular.
Lol, it’s okay! That cookbook looks cool, thanks for the suggestion. I’m not sure what the OP exactly meant by “consequences” but I wanted to respond to that because it IS so vague. It’s not for me to parse out what she meant but I feel like it could be helpful to look at what those actually potentially are instead of rolling them all up into a big ball of scary-ness labeled “consequences”. If that makes sense.
Hey thanks for your response! It's nice to know other people feel similarly. By consequences from take-out, I do mean health and weight consequences in the future. The take out I buy does have more sugar, fat, salt than homemade food. And because it tastes so good, I eat more of it. =/ I am worried about having high blood pressure, heart disease, and diabetes. My dad has all 3 and is getting heart surgery this month! I'm only in my mid-twenties but I am even freaking out that my resting heart rate (using my fitness tracker) is in the 80s! Which is on the higher end.
Take out doesn't give me immediate consequences (stomach upset). It only gives me possible long term consequences (health problems). Quitting it would also give me long-term rewards (losing weight would take more than 6 months, lowering heartbeat, healthy when I'm 40). But my addicted mind, doesn't care about the long-term rewards.
I'd like to offer some advice I gathered after a life of disorderly eating, a few nutritionists and a lot of reading:
- You don't have to make a full meal every time. A sandwich made at home with some eggs and cheese is healthier than any takeout food you could order. If you have leftovers, use that to make you next meal as well.
- If you have some staples ready, it's much easier to just plan around them. Rice, beans, sauce. You can make a big batch of any of those, freeze them and then reheat them and put some eggs or sausages of pulled pork or chicken (also great for freezing) on top and that's a meal basically ready.
- the secret to tasty home cooked meals is SEASON. Try new spices, use sofrito (also fine to freeze), salt it a little at each step and then taste it until it's good.
But the best advice I can give you is: try to take the stress out of the food. If you wanna try to do any of those tips, pick a day you don't have any plans. Take you time. Use low heat if that will make you more comfortable and relaxed. And don't try to stop eating takeout all at once! It's hard! We have a ton of stuff to do! Try to make some sort of plan ("I want to eat three home cooked meals this week") and take it from there!
We all use food as comfort, this is human and normal. But something I learned is that the comfort from food is not sustainable long-term, because whatever is making you feel down and making you crave sugar and fat and salt is not going away after you eat. I really recommend researching about "Behavioral Nutrition", this made me much healthier and, more importantly, gave me a much healthier relationship with food in general.
I'm sending you much love! I understand completely where you are at and I wish you all the best :)
This is great advice, thank you!
Slightly off-topic to start, but: it often spooks me, how many of us daughters of abusive, narcissistic mothers and enabling, raging fathers end up in the climate/environmental field. Can you let her know that she's not alone, and that I'm willing to share contact info if she wants to connect?
More on topic: I really struggle with self-care. Not just because of how far it's traveled from its revolutionary roots within BIPOC/queer/feminist communities, but also because--as a type 1 diabetic--self-care isn't soothing and doesn't feel good. It's work. It's needles and blood tests and frustration. I end up resentful of the time and effort I need to put into keeping my body operational, and doubly resentful that I'm supposed to enjoy it--or meant to find something else in addition that I can squeeze into my day and enjoy that. I also am becoming increasingly frustrated and disenchanted with its emphasis on individualism, on atomisation, which is very often the roots of the problems causing our distress in the first place. I think a lot now about community care and how we can build working models of caring for each other, particularly for those situations when 'self-care' either sounds like or is, "tough luck lady, you're on your own."
Hi Heather. Every time time you do this I always end up writing thank you because I just feel such gratitude in feeling connected to you and to others like me in this space. It’s so weird because for so long I felt like you were a part of my life but I never could talk to you. I had your words highlighted in your books and would refer to old blog posts, as if you were my oldest friend, the one who was always there when I needed you. When friends were sad or hurting, a quick google search with Polly + their problem always resulted in some beautiful wisdom and I would send it their way. I often thought of you and worried about your energy. You give so much. Anyway, you’re here now. We’re all interacting, chatting almost and I love COVID for that. I love that it made this accessible. I kind of always viewed you as this writing goddess, an unattainable kind of wisdom, and in responding and interacting with you I’m realizing so much of that already lives in me and these forums give me the opportunity to express that and I was receptive to your beautiful words because I AM a beautiful person. That said, you are still a goddess to me!! But now I am too!!
I appreciate this a lot, Katherine. Thanks for thinking of me but please don't worry about me - I get a lot from writing Ask Polly and feel grateful for it all the time. I'm so glad you feel like you've learned so much from my column. I think one thing that's great about doing these threads is that you can see how smart and insightful most Ask Polly readers are. I do get overwhelmed by how many letters I get and how little I can answer, so I love that we can all meet here and some of the thoughtful, funny people who read AP regularly can leap in and offer wisdom and share their experiences. I've often said that I automatically like anyone who reads my column regularly, because most of the time they're my kind of person: grateful, intense, complicated, sensitive. It's nice to have a (safe!) place to interact, at last. So thanks for reading and showing up here and also for writing this note. It matters to me a lot and I can't say enough how much I appreciate it. xoxo
Reaching out is so, so hard. And I feel like no one ever asks me for help so then if I do ask for help, I feel indebted with no hope of repaying the kindness. If I do get a chance to help, it’s nothing, think nothing of it, happy to do it (OH GOD HOW CAN I REPAY YOUR KINDNESS WHEN I NEEDED YOU). I have a terror of being a one-sided sponge.