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Heather Havrilesky's avatar

I want to add one thing: SOMEONE ELSE'S PASTURE MIGHT BE YOUR STEEP CLIFF. In other words, sometimes these things don't boil down to NARCISSIST or NOT A NARCISSIST -or- ANXIOUS or AVOIDANT. (Right now my opinion is that most people are a little anxiously attached even if their childhoods were great because our culture and the ways we communicate and socialize are so BROKEN.) Sometimes the other person is perfectly secure and seems healthy but the whole thing still feels OFF. You just don't feel heard or seen or loved and when you try to express any dimension of that sensation, you're treated in a way that makes you feel smaller and smaller.

It's so easy to blame ourselves for these sensations, and to tell ourselves that if we weren't so paranoid or so insecure or so damaged, we would be easier going. SHAME will prevent you from looking at the truth, in other words.

But this is also why I say DON'T ANALYZE IT TO DEATH. You don't need a court of law to rule you the healthy one. You don't need to make sure you're right and she's wrong, or everyone agrees that she's a monster. You can simply say IT FEELS BAD and trust that and not even blame the other person for any of it.

And the less shame you feel (because you keep forgiving yourself every day for being a regular flawed human like anyone else!), the easier it becomes to release other people into the wild without proclaiming them BAD or BROKEN. You don't have to prove to everyone you know that they're rotten, or draw up documents that list the chronology of each offense or misunderstanding. You can just say THAT DIDN'T WORK. No harm no foul. We don't make sense together.

I used to have so much anxiety about cutting anything off, and that led to way too much circular thinking. That guilt meant that I would even get mad at myself in the most small-stakes friendships. I would start a friendship and then when it wasn't any fun at all, I would get upset about it. I would make it about how there's *something fucked up* about that person. All I had to do was give myself the right to have a preference about people! All I had to do was say "that wasn't fun, we don't connect that much, I think I won't do that again."

In romantic relationships, this translates into trying to either win someone over at all costs or trying to escape instead of just showing up and seeing what's there. You're afraid of feeling guilty again, or getting rejected again, more than you're open to reality. You hear lots of single people speak in these terms all the time: They want to prevent mishaps more than they want to connect. Understandable, honestly! But hard.

Keeping things simple is so important: "That was good." or "That felt wrong." "I trust him for some reason." or "I feel like I have to prove myself constantly." LETTING REALITY IN IS ENOUGH. It's better than analysis. It's better than blame. But shame and fear block reality, so they need to be addressed if you really want to show up and see what's in front of you.

Remembering that MANY people will not like you and that you will not like MANY MANY people is part of honoring reality. Your goal is not to make everyone like you, or trying to like people you don't like. Your goal is to notice what you love, what feels good, what makes sense, and to treat yourself and others with compassion along the way. It doesn't have to be difficult or dramatic in many cases. It can be simple and easy, particularly once you learn to accept and enjoy your flawed, humble self AS IS.

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Lesa's avatar

I needed to read this today. A few months ago I left a long-term relationship after years of being called codependent - I know what that is, and I’m not that, he called me that anytime I needed anything from him that wasn’t related to performing some kind of chore or task. I was also accused of making him responsible for my emotions any time I simply expressed an emotion in his presence. It was a horrible way to live.

But yesterday I started doubting myself. We still have frequent contact because coparenting and I know he’s not a bad guy. Things have been hard financially living on my own, and lately I’ve been dipping my toe into the whole online dating scene which is bringing up a ton of insecurity and fear for me. Last night I went to a dark place where I started wondering if I’d made a terrible mistake. I started thinking maybe I’ll never find someone capable of actual emotional intimacy and will die alone and destitute to boot. Maybe I should have settled for this overall decent guy and just accepted his inability to handle emotions.

Then I woke up and read this and remembered in full force what it actually felt like to live with him in this way all those years. Thank you for the reminder that someone doesn’t have to be abusive to be fundamentally incompatible. I just need to remember that while it’s hard right now, I’m clearing the way for what I actually want and need in life. Just because I’m lonely and broke right now doesn’t mean ending it was a mistake.

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