Untitled (Liberated Woman) (1949) by Jane Graverol
Dear Polly,
I really need your advice. I’m friends with my coworker — not in the way where we naturally grew close because of the eight hours a day we’re forced to spend with each other, or because of the unspoken intimacy of the trauma that is corporate work. We were friends before we became coworkers. When I heard she had applied for the same company, I was excited, but grew wary. I secretly didn’t want her to get it. I was scared of what it would do to our relationship.
Some friends you just can’t work with, just as there are some friends you can’t live in an apartment with. Soon, you start fighting over project deadlines or the panties they can’t stop leaving on the floor, and you decide that you can’t stand that person anymore.
I’ve done my best to form boundaries between my personal and working relationships with her — distinctions between the person she is in “real life,” and the person she is at work (as if work isn’t also “real life”). But as time has gone on, resentment has built, and to be honest, she’s an asshole as a coworker. She talks about me behind my back to my boss, and has a really competitive spirit I don’t understand. It seems like she cares more about corporate brownie points and promotions than our friendship. I’m starting to really dislike her.
I decline to hang out as often, and I try to limit our communication outside of work, but when I think about our relationship before all of this, I wonder if I’m making a mistake. She was — still is — one of my best friends. I don’t know how to fix this. I might leave this job soon, and I’m wondering if and how to continue this relationship post-exit. I’ve always been bad at knowing when it’s time to cut someone off. Please help me make the right decision.
Ms. Love/Hate
Dear Ms. Love/Hate,
Extreme emotions like love and hate often appear when the nuanced grayscale of everyday connections — ambivalence, frustration, affection, annoyance — is replaced with the black and white of suppression and avoidance. In other words, your feelings grow more intense when you can’t express them. But if you take the opportunity to communicate, connect, express yourself, listen closely, and reflect patiently on what you’ve heard, those extreme emotions will shift, loosen, mellow, dissipate, change shape, and teach you more about who you truly are and what you truly want from your life.
Right now, it’s possible that you’ve chosen to shut your mouth and endure a lot of bullshit from someone who doesn’t deserve you as a friend. It’s also possible that your storytelling is inaccurate, and this friend is just very different from you. She’s afraid of talking to you directly about this, so she’s lost the nuance and the grayscale, too.
I understand this position because I occupied it for years. I felt extreme emotions about many of my relationships. I told comforting stories about how I was right and other people were wrong. And instead of making myself vulnerable to difficult conversations, I strategized about how to fix everything.
Right now, obviously you don’t feel like you can speak up honestly and confront this friend. You might experience your hesitations and anxious feelings as a series of pragmatic-seeming thoughts: “It won’t work. It’s not worth it. She’ll just get mad. I’ll make things ugly between us.” These could be accurate assessments of the situation, but they ignore one central problem:
You are carrying this around with you all the time. It’s hurting you, whether you want to acknowledge that pain or not.
When you shut your mouth and put up with backbiting and undermining, you teach yourself that you don’t deserve to be treated with respect and care.
Back when I lived the way you’re living, I didn’t understand that it was possible to speak directly and honestly without making a huge mess. I didn’t know that people who live in shame will shame others out of standing up for themselves without fail. That doesn’t mean that speaking up is wrong. It just means that people are allergic to confrontation and conflict for the same reasons you are.
That’s no reason not to speak up. In fact, the more direct and honest you are, the easier the path forward becomes.
First you ask: “Have you said negative things about me to my boss?”
Then you listen.
Finally, you clarify: “Insulting me to my boss isn’t okay with me. I don’t like it.”
That’s all you have to say. You don’t have to decide how to fix the friendship. You don’t have to apologize for confronting her or explain why you’re doing it. You don’t have to announce that you’re done with her. You don’t have to know whether or not you will choose to cut her out of your life. You can simply sit there and look at her and state clearly that her behavior isn’t okay with you: “That doesn’t work for me.”
AND THAT’S IT.
If things fall apart, they fall apart. If she overreacts, you witness it without throwing fuel on the fire. As long as you’re being very clear and calm, there aren’t many words that need to be offered in your defense. You don’t have to analyze your friendship, her, yourself. Nope. Be calm and concise and be done with it.
About a year ago, I went out with two of my good friends who didn’t know each other well. Friend A described me as making bad choices socially. I disagreed with her. We argued briefly. Then we laughed about it. I excused myself to go to the bathroom. While I was gone, Friend A told Friend B that she was right and I was wrong.
Keep in mind, Friend A wasn’t just shit-talking casually or jokingly while I was in the bathroom. People talk shit. This was pointed and persuasive. She was trying to convince my close friend, someone she didn’t know at all, that I was wrong about something pretty personal.
Friend B called me and told me about it. So I confronted Friend A.
“Everyone does stuff like that,” she said.
“I don’t care what everyone does,” I said. “I wouldn’t dream of doing that to you. I don’t like it.”
Now, was her assessment of me right? Maybe? Probably? I mean, I don’t think so, but I’m me so what do I know? That’s not remotely the issue. I could be dressed as a clown and she could’ve turned to my friend while I was in the bathroom and said, “Wow, what a fucking clown!” That’s not a friend in my book.
My friend apologized and we remain friends. If she hadn’t apologized, if she had told me I was being ridiculous, that would’ve eroded our friendship — AS WELL IT SHOULD in my opinion! Because I want loyal friends who get my back. I want to be that friend, too. Putting up with bullshit only makes that goal harder for me.
It’s not that complicated. In fact, I’ve treated most relationships like they’re incredibly complicated for decades now. But the truth is that most conflicts can be resolved by two people being honest about their boundaries and expectations.
And if the other person heaps shame onto you for speaking up? You can’t let that activate your anxious attachment or your deep fears and insecurities. You have to understand what you’re witnessing and attune yourself to the pain that causes people to spray shame on others whenever honesty is in the air. Remember that most of the shaming you encounter has nothing to do with you. People don’t shame other people unless they’re on fragile ground emotionally. Cultivate compassion for that, but try to see it with clear eyes and don’t let it convince you that speaking directly is a crime.
Being direct changes your relationship to your own body, your own needs. You start to understand yourself as a protector and caretaker, gentle and calm. This makes you trust your instincts more. This makes it more possible to trust your heart, to be inspired, to enjoy your daily life, to see the romance hidden behind mundane experiences.
Does my friend still think I’m a jackass at some level? Probably! But somehow this matters much less to me, now that I’m in the habit of telling my friends what I need from them, and listening to what they need from me without fear or anxiety.
I think it’s easy to feel paranoid and judged when you feel like you have no option but to keep every friendship alive no matter what. In your mind, if a friendship starts to go very bad, you only have two choices: Fix it, or ghost them. In my opinion, these are control tactics. Instead of admitting that some friends have mixed feelings about us — this is normal! — you are haunted by this. Instead of recognizing that some friendships don’t work and that talking through conflict is messy — that’s reality! — you’re choosing to make all of your choices behind closed doors. You’re evading feedback from your friend. You’re avoiding situations that are likely to cause you shame. And you’re putting too much pressure on yourself to make everything better, either by fixing it or by cutting her off.
I recognize those extremes so well. In the old days, I would tell a running story about a friendship that matched my fantasy of the friendship. Then, when my resentments became too huge, I’d tell another story about how disappointing the friend turned out to be. I’m not saying that a romantic story can’t be helpful or even wiser than our feelings at some moments! My romantic story about my husband — he is the most kind, generous person I know — often causes my petty complaints to evaporate into thin air. Likewise, I have a story about one long-term friend — she is the most interesting person I know and I always want to know her — that’s kept this friend in my life for decades in spite of how challenging that can be.
But telling rigid stories instead of talking directly isn’t a good habit. You’re like a referee, always making calls arbitrarily without learning more about yourself and your friend. I’m not saying there aren’t some friends that are very hard to speak to honestly and openly. But you still need to know that when something important comes up, you’re going to speak up about it.
When you speak up, you don’t need to make judgments or stigmatize your friend’s desires and preferences. She can be competitive and earn brownie points all she wants, as long as she’s considerate and protects your friendship and honors your feelings. Mostly, you need to figure out how you can move forward. Can you honor your own desires AND hers? Or do you want something different? Can your friend respect and honor you? Can you talk it out?
Everything gets simpler once you start speaking plainly. You stop characterizing and analyzing and stigmatizing, and you speak in terms of principles and actions and mutual acceptance.
That said, sometimes it’s still hard. I had a friend who was so brutal to me out of the blue. Obviously she had been feeling resentful without saying anything about it. But then she abruptly canceled on me and didn’t reschedule. I asked her to talk it out, and she said sure, but never called me back or made another plan. She insisted that nothing was wrong, but she kept putting me off, for months, then years! At some point, as much as I loved her, I had to accept that she simply didn’t love me enough to endure a difficult conversation about what had gone wrong. She didn’t want to tell me the truth about it. That was quite obviously the LAST THING she wanted.
Now look. I’m still just a confused jackass like any other when I’m very hurt. And at the time, my words and actions were sloppier than they are now. I wasn’t as attuned to reality that year. I didn’t notice how sensitive this friend was. I had a lot of running stories about a lot of different things, and these stories served to keep me safe from intimacy in ways that I didn’t recognize at the time. In other words, this friend’s complaints about me were probably valid. She’s a smart person.
None of these specifics mattered in the end — my flaws, her flaws, our misunderstandings — because the conversation never happened. Eventually I thought: “I will always love this person for who she is, but we’ll probably never be good friends again, because I want to prioritize friends who can speak openly and honestly to me when conflicts come up.”
In other words, the end of a friendship isn’t just a huge loss, a tragedy, something to mourn. It’s also a beginning, an opportunity to do things differently. A breakup can double as a resolution to honor your ideals moving forward. That heartbreak can become a pledge to look for the qualities you value the most in new friends, and to respect and honor those friends in ways that you may have failed to in the past.
Honest conversations can be so helpful for this reason! They make it possible for everyone to learn new things and live in reality better. When you scrape shame and anxiety and defensiveness out of the picture as much as possible, you can encounter honest talk with a friend as a form of very intense SPEED THERAPY. You have to show up and hear how they encounter you. Even if there are misconceptions and misunderstandings, that’s information that’s useful to you — as long as you can keep your shame at bay and truly listen with an open heart.
And when you hear things that make you feel ashamed and shitty? Sometimes that’s just because the person is being shitty and insulting because they don’t know how to communicate directly and clearly! But other times, you feel shitty because you realize that you’re fucking up and YOU ARE A LITTLE FUCKED UP, TOO. That is normal and expected! That is common and humbling and good for you!!! This is a great opportunity, in other words, to understand just what an annoying, persistently rigid, disturbingly insecure person you are.
ALL FEEDBACK AND PAIN CAN HELP YOU, if you open your heart wide enough. So don’t hide from it. Learn from it, and love yourself through that agonizing education!
Honest conversations teach you that you can be who you are instead of hiding. You can stand up for what you want and you can hear what someone else wants and you can say to yourself and your friend, “WELL, this is what it’s like to love people! It’s fucking messy and weird and painful! When you’re open and you love someone, that’s tough sometimes! When you tell the truth, that’s dicey, motherfucker! There’s no way for it not to be dicey! But I’m here for it. I love you and I’m ready to wade right in and figure this out.”
Or, you can say to your friend: “We really disagree about this. I guess we have to sit with it and see where it goes. But I don’t know if this will work.” Notice that you don’t have to say “It’s over!” or “Just like I thought, you’re being a defensive little bitch about this whole thing!” Do not throw gasoline on a tire fire. If your body starts to panic, notice that and take a minute to breathe. Don’t speak while you’re panicking. Be respectful so that your words and desires will remain clear. Think about what it will take to look back on the conversation and feel proud of how you conducted yourself. Showing respect for other people’s realities — even when you don’t ultimately want them as a friend — makes you a stronger, more flexible, more mature, and ultimately more loving person.
I know your situation is difficult for a number of reasons. This is also a work relationship we’re talking about. And this friend sounds a little envious or dismissive or both. Maybe she thinks that talking about you to your boss is acceptable because she imagines that you have advantages that she doesn’t have. She might rationalize her actions with the unconscious notion that you deserve to be punished, or with the subconscious idea that she’s merely leveling the playing field. I had an old friend who behaved in absolutely malicious ways that didn’t match her behavior with others, and I think that happened because she never really believed that I could be hurt or that I was vulnerable to her actions.
If I had been brave enough to express my hurt directly to her, this might’ve changed. The less honest you are, in my experience, the more you get hurt and fucked with. The more you play politics or protect yourself in passive aggressive or avoidant ways, the more trapped in layers of artifice and confusion your life becomes. Real relationships take a backseat to a series of stories and positions that bear very little resemblance to reality.
I don’t recommend that. You have to be prepared to say, “I love you but this doesn’t work for me.”
The bottom line is this: Your feelings become less intense when you give yourself the right to have them and you trust yourself to express them. It becomes easier and easier to speak clearly and calmly the more you understand your principles, your expectations, and your boundaries.
Remember that tolerating disrespect doesn’t make you a better person. You’re not on this planet to put up with inconsiderate fuckwads. You’re here to spend your precious time with generous, loyal, thoughtful people who love you and show it.
You deserve support, not competitive backstabbing and undermining. You deserve to have friends who rally to your side and stand up for you. If you want these things, you have to say so. You have to believe that you deserve that kind of love and allegiance. You have to confront friends who fall short repeatedly.
If you remain focused on TO GHOST OR NOT TO GHOST, that tells you that you don’t want to live in reality and confront what’s here. When you greet indirect aggression with maneuvering, backbiting, and ghosting, this just encourages more shitty behavior. You’re working within the shitty system. But when you speak up, you show the world that you’re not going to be cowed by other people’s confusion, power plays, defensiveness, envy, shame, and mean-spirited backbiting.
Saying goodbye to someone callous opens the door to someone kind. Even if you keep this friendship, try to prioritize the friends who speak plainly and show you they care. Maybe your friend will become that kind of a friend. Maybe you will, too. Celebrate love and more love rushes in. It’s a miracle. Try it and see.
Polly
Experience the miracle of Ask Polly more often by subscribing today! All of us have too many subscriptions, but my firm commitment is to keep writing words that spark optimism, generosity, creative energy, and yes, joy, motherfuckers! I want to keep spreading as much raw joy as I possibly can for as long as I can, and I need your support to do it.
Such good and powerful advice! Gathering the courage to say the thing without any expectation of what the response will be has been the biggest thing I have done to learn to trust myself. I am saying the thing out loud, so that I can hold on to myself, if it improves a relationship then that is a bonus, but at the very least I have been a good friend to myself.
This is great advice. So good