It's your punishing, neurotic thoughts, not your feelings, that send you into fight or flight mode. Daring to greet your feelings with enthusiasm will (slowly!) transform your life.
You are so gifted Heather. I loved this wisdom more than words can say:
"Not every person in the world will have this experience of meeting a total weirdo and having that weirdo recognize the goodness and beauty in them. Not every friend will greet our odd quirks with total enthusiasm. It’s truly amazing when you find someone who sees your strangest traits and even your glaring weaknesses as charming and delightful.
But that’s not the point, to me. The real point is that it’s our job as humans to be that person for ourselves. That’s how we teach ourselves to be that person for someone else.
BEING THAT PERSON FOR SOMEONE ELSE IS THE BEST JOB IN THE WORLD!"
It feels like this is something that meditation practice would help with? Learning how to separate the physical reaction from the essential “you”, gaining the ability to press pause as you feel “fight or flight” start to swing into action and be able to notice “My feelings have been hurt” as another thought, passing in the stream. Also, I think it’s less about “resolve not to feel bad at all, even five seconds after someone said something that hurt you” but like…everything after? Not getting caught up in obsessing over the hurt feelings and creating a story about why you did or did not deserve to be hurt in this way.
Perhaps what talkative people who mention that you ‘run long’ are saying is, ‘I don’t get to speak as often with you as I do with other friends.’ They *could* simply embrace the opportunity to practice active listening. Given the chance to hear you talk, Polly, I would be all ears. Thank you for this, as ever.
This is so insightful! I relate to it all so much.
These are my favorite parts:
"What was less natural or less useful and not a remedy at all was the NEUROTIC STORYTELLING I did in response to my pain.
"In other words, my storytelling has been working against me for a long time.
"I know from personal experience, from years and years and years of personal experience, that the more I simply resolve to greet my bizarre traits with total enthusiasm, the less I actually disappear into neurotic stories."
Cheers to all the itchy people out there who run long. That's a great way to put it. I'm definitely of this ilk.
The same “itchy” advice applies to old, painful things too. An unsolvable mystery from decades ago resurfaced for me this year, and what stopped my obsession after the emotional storm wasn’t answers, but surrender: admitting it will never be resolved, that it will always ache... but also noticing how strangely funny and tragicomic life can be alongside the pain. Something to be met with curiosity. Delight, even.
The true nature of some people and situations is just... itchy. I say, let them be. It will be okay.
You are so gifted Heather. I loved this wisdom more than words can say:
"Not every person in the world will have this experience of meeting a total weirdo and having that weirdo recognize the goodness and beauty in them. Not every friend will greet our odd quirks with total enthusiasm. It’s truly amazing when you find someone who sees your strangest traits and even your glaring weaknesses as charming and delightful.
But that’s not the point, to me. The real point is that it’s our job as humans to be that person for ourselves. That’s how we teach ourselves to be that person for someone else.
BEING THAT PERSON FOR SOMEONE ELSE IS THE BEST JOB IN THE WORLD!"
Love love love love this. Thank you both. I'd just read the latest school of life article 'what is the point of love?' and what a great combo!
My dad told me I talked too much and that was why I was single (I had not asked for this precious gem of fatherly advice).
This was just the soothing balm I needed.
It feels like this is something that meditation practice would help with? Learning how to separate the physical reaction from the essential “you”, gaining the ability to press pause as you feel “fight or flight” start to swing into action and be able to notice “My feelings have been hurt” as another thought, passing in the stream. Also, I think it’s less about “resolve not to feel bad at all, even five seconds after someone said something that hurt you” but like…everything after? Not getting caught up in obsessing over the hurt feelings and creating a story about why you did or did not deserve to be hurt in this way.
What you resist persists.
Perhaps what talkative people who mention that you ‘run long’ are saying is, ‘I don’t get to speak as often with you as I do with other friends.’ They *could* simply embrace the opportunity to practice active listening. Given the chance to hear you talk, Polly, I would be all ears. Thank you for this, as ever.
This is so insightful! I relate to it all so much.
These are my favorite parts:
"What was less natural or less useful and not a remedy at all was the NEUROTIC STORYTELLING I did in response to my pain.
"In other words, my storytelling has been working against me for a long time.
"I know from personal experience, from years and years and years of personal experience, that the more I simply resolve to greet my bizarre traits with total enthusiasm, the less I actually disappear into neurotic stories."
This helped me so much, Heather. I'm wrestling with hurt feelings after a lifelong friend dumped me, and I needed this advice. Thank you.
This was great! I loved how you compare overthinking to being itchy. Bravo!
I wish I could encode this message at a cellular level. Thank you 🙏
Are existing paid subscribers eligible for the 50% off offer? :)
Cheers to all the itchy people out there who run long. That's a great way to put it. I'm definitely of this ilk.
The same “itchy” advice applies to old, painful things too. An unsolvable mystery from decades ago resurfaced for me this year, and what stopped my obsession after the emotional storm wasn’t answers, but surrender: admitting it will never be resolved, that it will always ache... but also noticing how strangely funny and tragicomic life can be alongside the pain. Something to be met with curiosity. Delight, even.
The true nature of some people and situations is just... itchy. I say, let them be. It will be okay.
This response of yours is absolutely amazing, Heather. This is wisdom.