It's your punishing, neurotic thoughts, not your feelings, that send you into fight or flight mode. Daring to greet your feelings with enthusiasm will (slowly!) transform your life.
You are so gifted Heather. I loved this wisdom more than words can say:
"Not every person in the world will have this experience of meeting a total weirdo and having that weirdo recognize the goodness and beauty in them. Not every friend will greet our odd quirks with total enthusiasm. It’s truly amazing when you find someone who sees your strangest traits and even your glaring weaknesses as charming and delightful.
But that’s not the point, to me. The real point is that it’s our job as humans to be that person for ourselves. That’s how we teach ourselves to be that person for someone else.
BEING THAT PERSON FOR SOMEONE ELSE IS THE BEST JOB IN THE WORLD!"
It feels like this is something that meditation practice would help with? Learning how to separate the physical reaction from the essential “you”, gaining the ability to press pause as you feel “fight or flight” start to swing into action and be able to notice “My feelings have been hurt” as another thought, passing in the stream. Also, I think it’s less about “resolve not to feel bad at all, even five seconds after someone said something that hurt you” but like…everything after? Not getting caught up in obsessing over the hurt feelings and creating a story about why you did or did not deserve to be hurt in this way.
Perhaps what talkative people who mention that you ‘run long’ are saying is, ‘I don’t get to speak as often with you as I do with other friends.’ They *could* simply embrace the opportunity to practice active listening. Given the chance to hear you talk, Polly, I would be all ears. Thank you for this, as ever.
Cheers to all the itchy people out there who run long. That's a great way to put it. I'm definitely of this ilk.
The same “itchy” advice applies to old, painful things too. An unsolvable mystery from decades ago resurfaced for me this year, and what stopped my obsession after the emotional storm wasn’t answers, but surrender: admitting it will never be resolved, that it will always ache... but also noticing how strangely funny and tragicomic life can be alongside the pain. Something to be met with curiosity. Delight, even.
The true nature of some people and situations is just... itchy. I say, let them be. It will be okay.
This is so insightful! I relate to it all so much.
These are my favorite parts:
"What was less natural or less useful and not a remedy at all was the NEUROTIC STORYTELLING I did in response to my pain.
"In other words, my storytelling has been working against me for a long time.
"I know from personal experience, from years and years and years of personal experience, that the more I simply resolve to greet my bizarre traits with total enthusiasm, the less I actually disappear into neurotic stories."
It took me until I was 41 years old to realize that acceptance does not mean coming to realize that what happened is ok, but rather acknowledging and being kind to my experience of it, including the emotions. Thanks for explaining this process so vividly!
As a person who feels a lot and also resonates with the experience of feelings putting me in "fight or flight", one thing that helps is learning to hold your feelings without judgment and creating more neutral/calm moments overall. Then instead of bouncing from feeling to feeling, you can find some solace and neutrality within yourself.
The part about obsessive rumination really struck me. I never thought about how much energy I waste constructing these elaborate stories that have no basis in reality and only serve to make me feel worse. I'm realizing I need to show myself more gentleness and patience.
What's powerful is recognizing that the initial pain from criticismthat's normal. That's part of being human and open to others. It's all the negative stories I pile on top that become the real problem. Sometimes the most important patience is the patience we show ourselves.
LW, I feel there's misinterpretation on both sides of this.
You seem to have read Polly's "admit that everything hurts your feelings" as "admit that everything hurts your feelings - and that's bad, stop doing that!" Like she's telling you you're too sensitive, like your mother. Essentially, what that kind of advice means in practice is, some variation on "learn how to pretend your feelings haven't been hurt"/"learn how to harden your heart, blunt your sensitivity so you don't feel things so much."
I think you're right; feelings aren't an itch you can somehow learn not to scratch (btw as an eczema sufferer I hate this whole analogy & I'm glad it got dropped later on!).
And I think Polly recognises that, and wants you to stop scratching. But then she seems to want to take you to an extreme: "admit that sometimes, everything — literally everything — itches, and scratching only makes it worse." I'm not convinced that's what you need to hear.
Polly has always told us what she's like; she's "too much" but she embraces it, she doesn't see why she should bend herself out of shape to satisfy some shame-enforced ideal of how humans should be in the world. And I agree, totally. She absolutely shouldn't.
But maybe you're different. I certainly am. I adore Polly but I guess she chooses letters from people she thinks she can help the most, people like herself. Your letter was short but I'm not convinced you're one hundred percent a Polly, someone who feels everything strongly. What I hear from you is "I can't help feeling my feelings, they just happen - but I'm usually in panic mode when they do." Polly seems to think you're trying hard to take your mother's advice and suppress what you feel. Is that true? Her idea is, that suppression attempt is what causes your fight-or-flight response in the first place. Is that true? If so, I'm done; Polly's nailed it, as she so often does, and I love her for it.
But I ask because, for me, suppressing feelings isn't done in panic, doesn't lead to fight-or-flight, it leads to deadness, depression. I practically never panic, though I do suffer some anxiety. I don't think I'm built like Polly, and maybe you aren't either?
Perhaps it comes down to this - and maybe this is the question you pursue in therapy - are the feelings you can't help feeling during social interactions an organic part of who you fundamentally are as a person, or are they internalised beliefs about yourself - strongly implanted during childhood, sure; aren't they always? - but which you might learn, with professional help, to disavow, to break the automaticity of how you feel them, the "I can't help it" aspect?
As I see it, Polly's huge gift to us all is her recognition of shame as a major, perhaps the predominant psychic force acting on us in modern Western society. It's really hard to break out of shame loops - "Look how poorly I measure up to how I'm supposed to be; look how brilliantly others are succeeding where I'm failing; that's my fault; I must try harder; oh no, I'm just failing even more." But I believe the self-critical voices we hear aren't necessarily baked-in. It's really hard - impossible without help - to disentangle which of our beliefs about ourselves are organic, and which are essentially implants. It's absolutely right that we shouldn't feel shame about any of them. And no-one can simply pluck out aspects of ourselves internalised since our formative years, there's no clear distinction. But I'm not a too-much, everything-hurts person, and maybe you're not either.
You are so gifted Heather. I loved this wisdom more than words can say:
"Not every person in the world will have this experience of meeting a total weirdo and having that weirdo recognize the goodness and beauty in them. Not every friend will greet our odd quirks with total enthusiasm. It’s truly amazing when you find someone who sees your strangest traits and even your glaring weaknesses as charming and delightful.
But that’s not the point, to me. The real point is that it’s our job as humans to be that person for ourselves. That’s how we teach ourselves to be that person for someone else.
BEING THAT PERSON FOR SOMEONE ELSE IS THE BEST JOB IN THE WORLD!"
My dad told me I talked too much and that was why I was single (I had not asked for this precious gem of fatherly advice).
This was just the soothing balm I needed.
Love love love love this. Thank you both. I'd just read the latest school of life article 'what is the point of love?' and what a great combo!
It feels like this is something that meditation practice would help with? Learning how to separate the physical reaction from the essential “you”, gaining the ability to press pause as you feel “fight or flight” start to swing into action and be able to notice “My feelings have been hurt” as another thought, passing in the stream. Also, I think it’s less about “resolve not to feel bad at all, even five seconds after someone said something that hurt you” but like…everything after? Not getting caught up in obsessing over the hurt feelings and creating a story about why you did or did not deserve to be hurt in this way.
What you resist persists.
Perhaps what talkative people who mention that you ‘run long’ are saying is, ‘I don’t get to speak as often with you as I do with other friends.’ They *could* simply embrace the opportunity to practice active listening. Given the chance to hear you talk, Polly, I would be all ears. Thank you for this, as ever.
Cheers to all the itchy people out there who run long. That's a great way to put it. I'm definitely of this ilk.
The same “itchy” advice applies to old, painful things too. An unsolvable mystery from decades ago resurfaced for me this year, and what stopped my obsession after the emotional storm wasn’t answers, but surrender: admitting it will never be resolved, that it will always ache... but also noticing how strangely funny and tragicomic life can be alongside the pain. Something to be met with curiosity. Delight, even.
The true nature of some people and situations is just... itchy. I say, let them be. It will be okay.
This is so insightful! I relate to it all so much.
These are my favorite parts:
"What was less natural or less useful and not a remedy at all was the NEUROTIC STORYTELLING I did in response to my pain.
"In other words, my storytelling has been working against me for a long time.
"I know from personal experience, from years and years and years of personal experience, that the more I simply resolve to greet my bizarre traits with total enthusiasm, the less I actually disappear into neurotic stories."
This helped me so much, Heather. I'm wrestling with hurt feelings after a lifelong friend dumped me, and I needed this advice. Thank you.
It took me until I was 41 years old to realize that acceptance does not mean coming to realize that what happened is ok, but rather acknowledging and being kind to my experience of it, including the emotions. Thanks for explaining this process so vividly!
This was great! I loved how you compare overthinking to being itchy. Bravo!
I wish I could encode this message at a cellular level. Thank you 🙏
As a person who feels a lot and also resonates with the experience of feelings putting me in "fight or flight", one thing that helps is learning to hold your feelings without judgment and creating more neutral/calm moments overall. Then instead of bouncing from feeling to feeling, you can find some solace and neutrality within yourself.
The part about obsessive rumination really struck me. I never thought about how much energy I waste constructing these elaborate stories that have no basis in reality and only serve to make me feel worse. I'm realizing I need to show myself more gentleness and patience.
What's powerful is recognizing that the initial pain from criticismthat's normal. That's part of being human and open to others. It's all the negative stories I pile on top that become the real problem. Sometimes the most important patience is the patience we show ourselves.
Wait I don’t understand: People have friend dumped YOU? I mean, does this mean you have openings?! 🤣
LW, I feel there's misinterpretation on both sides of this.
You seem to have read Polly's "admit that everything hurts your feelings" as "admit that everything hurts your feelings - and that's bad, stop doing that!" Like she's telling you you're too sensitive, like your mother. Essentially, what that kind of advice means in practice is, some variation on "learn how to pretend your feelings haven't been hurt"/"learn how to harden your heart, blunt your sensitivity so you don't feel things so much."
I think you're right; feelings aren't an itch you can somehow learn not to scratch (btw as an eczema sufferer I hate this whole analogy & I'm glad it got dropped later on!).
And I think Polly recognises that, and wants you to stop scratching. But then she seems to want to take you to an extreme: "admit that sometimes, everything — literally everything — itches, and scratching only makes it worse." I'm not convinced that's what you need to hear.
Polly has always told us what she's like; she's "too much" but she embraces it, she doesn't see why she should bend herself out of shape to satisfy some shame-enforced ideal of how humans should be in the world. And I agree, totally. She absolutely shouldn't.
But maybe you're different. I certainly am. I adore Polly but I guess she chooses letters from people she thinks she can help the most, people like herself. Your letter was short but I'm not convinced you're one hundred percent a Polly, someone who feels everything strongly. What I hear from you is "I can't help feeling my feelings, they just happen - but I'm usually in panic mode when they do." Polly seems to think you're trying hard to take your mother's advice and suppress what you feel. Is that true? Her idea is, that suppression attempt is what causes your fight-or-flight response in the first place. Is that true? If so, I'm done; Polly's nailed it, as she so often does, and I love her for it.
But I ask because, for me, suppressing feelings isn't done in panic, doesn't lead to fight-or-flight, it leads to deadness, depression. I practically never panic, though I do suffer some anxiety. I don't think I'm built like Polly, and maybe you aren't either?
Perhaps it comes down to this - and maybe this is the question you pursue in therapy - are the feelings you can't help feeling during social interactions an organic part of who you fundamentally are as a person, or are they internalised beliefs about yourself - strongly implanted during childhood, sure; aren't they always? - but which you might learn, with professional help, to disavow, to break the automaticity of how you feel them, the "I can't help it" aspect?
As I see it, Polly's huge gift to us all is her recognition of shame as a major, perhaps the predominant psychic force acting on us in modern Western society. It's really hard to break out of shame loops - "Look how poorly I measure up to how I'm supposed to be; look how brilliantly others are succeeding where I'm failing; that's my fault; I must try harder; oh no, I'm just failing even more." But I believe the self-critical voices we hear aren't necessarily baked-in. It's really hard - impossible without help - to disentangle which of our beliefs about ourselves are organic, and which are essentially implants. It's absolutely right that we shouldn't feel shame about any of them. And no-one can simply pluck out aspects of ourselves internalised since our formative years, there's no clear distinction. But I'm not a too-much, everything-hurts person, and maybe you're not either.