"Or rather, marriage is a booze cruise that runs out of liquor and then runs out of food and then runs out of water and then runs straight into a tropical storm and crashes onto a rocky island and everyone swims for the shore and gasps for air on the beach and then BLAMES EVERYONE ELSE FOR EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING!"
OMG all of this is PURE GOLD. But specifically "To which I say: MY DUDE. Are you kidding me? Getting blamed for shit that’s not your fault is the bread and butter of marriage. What did you think you were signing up for here, a low-interest credit card? A booze cruise? Marriage isn’t a fucking booze cruise!"
My ex-husband was like this...he eventually said "I have nothing left to give you" which honestly made me laugh because I kept thinking but actually you never gave me anything..because I understood on a basic level that he couldn't so I never asked.
LW trust your family on this one...yes families are often wrong about opinions of spouses etc. But a crisis reveals people like nothing else. Say good-bye, go to therapy and find yourself a real dude.
OMG! Where was this call & response when I needed it (specifically, before I married my ex-husband)?
“You need to stop asking yourself if you’re being too needy or asking for too much, and you need to start asking him if he’s willing to show up, willing to tell the truth, willing to admit his weaknesses and fears, willing to welcome the uncertainties and inconveniences and unknowns and grapple with them together.” —that’s my next tattoo.
LW: I wish you strength and I hope he can stand up for you!
The complete unwillingness of the husband to concede anything at all while the LW ties herself in knots to try to understand his point of view is a really familiar pattern to me. Narcissistic abuse is a term that gets thrown around too often in my opinion but there are several red flags I noticed in this letter: his lack of empathy, his sense of entitlement, his inability to communicate and work as a team in a crisis, his inability to be vulnerable, and his gaslighting the LW into thinking SHE is the problem. It can be so hard to identify this when you are living it because it makes you question reality.
"You want a full life with a grown adult who loves you like crazy. So keep fighting for that. Don’t accept less. This world is full of love, and nothing is more precious than someone who is broken and afraid but still willing. "
I just printed this out and taped it to the mirror above my dresser. I need the reminder when I consider accepting less.
Just wanted to let you know I read an excerpt of this at my sister’s wedding. Specifically the section that starts “marriage is not a fucking booze cruise”. That’s what they get for letting me pick my own reading! (I joke, they loved it).
CLASSIC HEATHER HAVRILESKY:
"Or rather, marriage is a booze cruise that runs out of liquor and then runs out of food and then runs out of water and then runs straight into a tropical storm and crashes onto a rocky island and everyone swims for the shore and gasps for air on the beach and then BLAMES EVERYONE ELSE FOR EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING!"
OMG all of this is PURE GOLD. But specifically "To which I say: MY DUDE. Are you kidding me? Getting blamed for shit that’s not your fault is the bread and butter of marriage. What did you think you were signing up for here, a low-interest credit card? A booze cruise? Marriage isn’t a fucking booze cruise!"
My ex-husband was like this...he eventually said "I have nothing left to give you" which honestly made me laugh because I kept thinking but actually you never gave me anything..because I understood on a basic level that he couldn't so I never asked.
LW trust your family on this one...yes families are often wrong about opinions of spouses etc. But a crisis reveals people like nothing else. Say good-bye, go to therapy and find yourself a real dude.
OMG! Where was this call & response when I needed it (specifically, before I married my ex-husband)?
“You need to stop asking yourself if you’re being too needy or asking for too much, and you need to start asking him if he’s willing to show up, willing to tell the truth, willing to admit his weaknesses and fears, willing to welcome the uncertainties and inconveniences and unknowns and grapple with them together.” —that’s my next tattoo.
LW: I wish you strength and I hope he can stand up for you!
Laughed so many belly laughs of recognition with this one. Thank you, Polly! 😂
The complete unwillingness of the husband to concede anything at all while the LW ties herself in knots to try to understand his point of view is a really familiar pattern to me. Narcissistic abuse is a term that gets thrown around too often in my opinion but there are several red flags I noticed in this letter: his lack of empathy, his sense of entitlement, his inability to communicate and work as a team in a crisis, his inability to be vulnerable, and his gaslighting the LW into thinking SHE is the problem. It can be so hard to identify this when you are living it because it makes you question reality.
"You want a full life with a grown adult who loves you like crazy. So keep fighting for that. Don’t accept less. This world is full of love, and nothing is more precious than someone who is broken and afraid but still willing. "
I just printed this out and taped it to the mirror above my dresser. I need the reminder when I consider accepting less.
Just wanted to let you know I read an excerpt of this at my sister’s wedding. Specifically the section that starts “marriage is not a fucking booze cruise”. That’s what they get for letting me pick my own reading! (I joke, they loved it).