Heather you just performed the Double-Triple Havrilesky Spin Flip---you leapt between decades, genders, personas and landed on you feet at the end. A marvel!
Yes! I've just read this for maybe the 5th time (sometimes a girl needs repeated reminders of these things), and I keep on thinking, "do people even know what a marvel this really is?" I've always admired your writing, but this one in particular -- what a feat! sometimes when something is done so well, you can't even see all the things the writer did to make it that way, until you go back & read it again. And then it becomes an even greater marvel, because you can now see all of the maneuvers & shifts & connections. it's kinda like watching a ballerina do a series of foutee turns. they look so effortless, but when you actually look at all that's happening in it, it's just like whoah, incredible.
"Sometimes surrounding yourself with hot men who won’t fuck you is just another way of procrastinating what you really want to do with your life. You’ve created a compelling distraction for yourself. Maybe you’re afraid of the future. There’s something you want much more than a man, but the stakes are too high. Maybe you love the escape of filling your head with hotness at the exact moment in your life when you should be herding your truest desires in some worthwhile direction."
The whole fucking post is the wooden sign for this week. Polly, license that zebra painting and sell it as a T-shirt: Grateful Ask Polly Reader as the caption.
Ken, what I wanted was an *app* that makes words *look like a wooden sign* so I can put all of the dumb catchphrases I write into a WOODEN SIGN IMAGE. Because... okay I have no excuse for this.
Well, this gave me a visceral flashback to my most painfully single days when I tried it on with many of my (hot, funny, intelligent!) male friends. Hey, we get on great and I'm horny/afraid I'll be alone forever so obviously we should fool around! So casual, no problems, what's the big deal?? Hahaha. Ha.
Thank God they all awkwardly turned me down. We would never have made each other happy long-term or even short-term. Yeesh. That became pretty obvious when I met more suitable dating partners, but it's still a lot of hindsight talking there. Dating sucks!
As an inveterate lover of dudes I don't think it's easy to stop taking every whiff of attraction you feel seriously, but you can definitely stop taking men's opinions of female attractiveness seriously. I'm also reminded of an old Ask Polly where she compares men to a bichon frise instead of zebras but the analogy holds - who cares about the opinions of men you don't actually want to get with? That's like caring about the opinions of zebras/livestock/passing dogs. There will always be more hot men because men are hot and they're all over the place, being hot, doing hot things. Sometimes they just take their shirts off for no fucking reason! How are you supposed take that seriously? I love my collection of hot sexy male friends very much, but if I needed them to find me equally sexy out loud we'd never be able to co-exist in peace.
(Watching every Tina-centric episode of Bob's burgers has been very validating btw)
I almost screamed when I read the zebra line. I'm 28 and for 2,5 years now i've been working in a group of — mostly married, middle-aged — men. So your wisdom is something I learnt through sitting in a petting zoo daily, bad smell, snacks and all. It really changed the way I think about men and relationships and also makes me feel grateful to be bisexual despite living in a homophobic hellhole (eastern Europe btw but men is the same here). I love your writing here! It's my lunch brake so I'm off to get some cake with the zebras now.
Polly, I have been reading you for literal decades now, and I confess that when I started this particular missive, I felt a brief flash of despair. Not guys giving off mixed signals again! Have we really nurtured yet another generation of smart, sensitive women who want love and sex and therefore have to devote 80 percent of their considerable brainpower trying to figure out how to get them? When are we going to reach the point where our smart, sensitive women are sending you letters like, "I'm the CEO of a major multinational and my ambitious and kind-of-evil CFO is maneuvering to get me dismissed because I referred to him as 'fuckpants' during a board meeting, and Polly, the thing is, he really is a fuckpants and we all know it."
But then you turn around and answer the question so skillfully I simultaneously wish I could transmit that knowledge back to myself two decades ago and realize that this is how you clear the mental bandwidth to be ambitious and accomplished and wildly yourself. So if you're wondering what you did to gain another paying subscriber today, well, it was exactly that.
Awwww, thank you for this!! I'm glad I won you over. I had about a year there where I kept saying: Boyfriend trouble? Nope. Man stuff? Mens? Mandibles? No, thank you! Now I'm enjoying it again. Love this post and thank you for subscribing, also. Very appreciated!
I'm currently in a phase of "Oh look - hot men in the wild!!!"...but I then remember "don't feed the animals!" because once they're up close they are oddly smelly and you realize you prefer to see them from the safety of your land rover while sipping a cocktail in your fabulous safari hat.
Love the zoo metaphor. In my journal I wrote about myself as a little bird flying around trying to get attention from giraffe, monkeys, and so forth. It was fun to write and certainly makes me not want take dating so terribly seriously! 🐦
Thank you SO much for writing back to me. It feels sacrilegious to respond to your response but I’ll indulge myself.
The hard part is that all of this relationship stuff actually is my dream. I already went to my dream school and have a close-to dream job, doing very meaningful work. To the commenter below who wishes you got more letters from CEOs, ironically, you just read one. But that part of my life, those questions, always work themselves out, you know? I always feel like I have time and am laid back about it because it’s not the creamy part of the caramel cow tail of life anyway.
My real dream is to have a great relationship; a loving family life with lots of kids. I am obsessed with babies and love -- I almost became a pediatrician. I find life so sweet, fun, and deep when I’m in a romantic relationship, and so joyful when I hold a friend's baby in my arms, that it's all I can think about. So basic and mammalian of me, I know! (PS - unfortunately I also love having sex with men way much to date a woman).
I do want a happy guy who appreciates life but I also want someone who has been through some shit and understands how important an outlook of gratitude and optimism is. Someone who wants to talk and laugh all the time but also help others and be emotional and think deeply with me. I’m stuck on your analysis that the happiest men are simple -- mostly because I think it might be true, and it worries me. When I’m not into a guy, it’s usually because I don’t find him complex or smart or playful enough to keep me challenged and engaged. But maybe I’ll always be the one to carry the conversation.
The size 2 thing is probably a byproduct of other characteristics these men want. When it comes to long conversations, a daily text buddy, a person to share their feelings with, and more, it’s me. But for a partner, they want someone who will run and bike and ski and camp and surf with them; an “adventure buddy” to accompany them on their backpacking trips and never be the cause of missing a weekend on the mountains. My ex (an ultra marathon gold medalist, among other things) told me that I was the woman he wanted to come home to, and it didn’t matter that we were different, until...it did.
Which is to say, I do love myself but it gets hard when it feels like the person I am may be at odds with what men want -- I know I don’t exist in a vacuum.
I wish I knew how to treat my love life like other aspects of my life that *do* always work out, even when the timeline for this one makes me panic. I analyze myself through the eyes of men because it feels like it’s their approval of me that will ultimately determine whether I get the thing I most want in life: them!
Anyway, thank you so much again for everything and I love you to pieces. <3
Forget about the men, I want to know all about your job!! You sound like you're living the lottery of life. The CEO of a dream company, AND you studied at a dream school, AND you're a woman, AND you've got time for lots of friendships? Forget about the men! Do you know how many women (and men) out there want to be you?
I'm nowhere as successful as you are, but as a woman that's not doing too bad with meeting men (and have had my share of encounters with complex men), maybe I can give you some advice. You're clearly a great catch, so you should start thinking and acting like it. I think when people have trouble finding a partner, it's generally a sign that they're not searching in the right places. You know, I think the problem is that men are wired a bit differently. A complex woman will often turn into someone very ambitious, hard-working, and relationship-oriented. A complex man will usually turn into someone very ambitious, hard-working, and self-oriented. Seems like your aversion to simple men is what's blocking your path. You know what? Just give it a try. Lean into a friendship with them, lean into them liking you more than you like them, be honored and graced in their presence. Treat them well and think of them kindly. I promise you this is the answer. You'll find men lining up at your door in no time if you give them a chance. A simple man not bogged down by his own complexity will be far more interested in getting to know you, and there's way more of them out there anyway. You'll get to choose the one you like, out of way more of them!
I hope that advice helped. Now, can we talk about your job? (Jokes.) No but seriously, what do you do? I would love to know this dream job because I didn't even know such a thing genuinely existed. I thought all jobs were horrible and sucked the passion and joy out of whatever it is you once enjoyed. Hahaha sorry I just had to ask, because I'm pretty much on the exact opposite side of the coin. Any insight or advice would be deeply appreciated. Cheers! :)
Thank you for your feedback -- definitely something for me to consider and something I've gone back and forth on. I remember Polly once saying that settling for guys who are just “good enough” is actually detrimental to *all* parties and that has stuck with me, but I'm sure there are a lot of nuances there.
As for the job stuff - I guess I have a lot of questions for YOU! What do you do now? What do you want to be doing? Is it that you're doing something you like but the amount of "doing" it takes at an actual job burns you out or that you wish you were doing something else or you don't know what that thing is?
To talk about success, I have to talk about failure and luck. First, I didn’t actually get into what I thought was my dream school at the time. But I got wait-listed at MIT and eventually got in. This was kind of odd as I was nowhere near valedictorian of my high school class and got a decent amount of Bs and a couple Cs. A major contributor to getting in was some research I did in high school. I did the research because I was really passionate about a particular microbiology topic but I grew up in a small town where my high school bio teacher refused to let me do the project and told me to ask someone at the local college. When I asked the one microbiology professor at said college, she told me, verbatim, that the idea was stupid and wouldn’t work. So I got out the phone book and called her one other colleague at his house. LOL. I still remember lying on the floor for an hour crying about how I didn’t want to call this stranger at his house because he was going to turn me down and also it was such a weird thing to. But he didn’t, and that research went on to win a bunch of awards nationally and when I got wait-listed, one of the people I met while presenting my research at a national conference wrote me a letter of recommendation, and...yeah. I also wrote a four page impassioned letter to the dean of admissions, but I digress.
Then while I was at MIT, I was definitely one of the ...not-as-conventionally-smart people there, to put it lightly. I failed classes -- the memory of which still hurts today. But I went to every office hour, studied constantly, found cheap tutors, and jgenerally worked my ass off and ended up graduating with a good GPA. I also loooooved college and the people I met more than anything, which helped.
I was going to be a doctor but then my brother died of cancer (after a five year horrific battle) and I felt like I couldn’t go directly into medicine because it made me too sad. So I started a company instead in a space I was really passionate about, solving a big problem I really cared about solving. That wasn’t a straight path to victory either. It took us five years to finally start to achieve some of my early vision and it’s been another four years executing on that, while a simpler consumer product we built brings in a lot of revenue to fund the bigger picture vision. In order to do all of this, I’ve had to raise a lot of money from investors who are used to funding men (2% of venture funding goes to women :-|). We now have helped many thousands of people and have 50+ investors but have been rejected hundreds of times. And when I say “we” I mean, me, personally, because I’m the one who fundraises. :D Every single one hurt like hell.
I could literally write an entire book about all of the failing that’s happened on this road to “success” but I’ll stop there. The point is that when you care enough, you can usually figure out a way to make it happen. But resources and luck do matter. My parents paid for college. They also gave me a few thousand dollars so I could spend time (working on) writing a book after my brother died and I was enveloped in grief. When I got into a startup program across the country, I had a friend who let me sleep on her floor so I could attend. When commuting 3h/day got too hard, I happened to sit next to an old couple on a flight who, when I told them about my commute, told me I could come live at their house for free for 3 months. I worried they were serial killers but...they weren’t, and I did, and it made a huge difference when we were getting started and had no money. More good luck.
ANYWAY - I believe in you. Just don’t be afraid to fail a bunch -- that’s usually a good sign you’re on the right track.
Okay, you are fucking amazing, and I hope you see that as clearly as we all can.
I don't want to devalue your wish for a partner and a family, because those things are important, too. I think maybe I'm just mad at the idea of all these men in your life, whatever their own accomplishments, don't see that you're something very, very special.
I also want to say, from my lofty middle-aged vantage point, that you're only 33. In my experience, very few of my smart, ambitious, creative women friends have launched a romantic relationship that was built for the long haul until they were in their 30s (including me, and let me tell you, I had stopped believing it would happen for me until it suddenly did).
I think what Polly meant by not settling is that you shouldn't settle for traits that are objectively bad, like laziness, dishonesty, self-centeredness, stubbornness, immaturity, etc. Nothing wrong with simple, but there are a lot of different types of simple. For example do you want to be with someone who's a go-getter, or someone who lets you take the lead more? Do you want to be with someone with lots of energy or someone more chill? More adventurous or more grounded? etc. A simple man might not be able to fully understand the depths of the stresses you've been through, but they'll do their best to be there for you and that's really all you need. If you do need more than that though, therapists are the way to go. And also, that's what your girlfriends are for too haha!
And thanks so much for responding to my question! Your journey is incredible! Wow I'm in awe at how strong you are. I can see I clearly need to be comfortable taking way more risks and dive into things deeper than just surface level, you seem so passionate and I can tell that's what lead you to your success :)
I worked as a product designer, but always ended up being dissatisfied with the work eventually. I love the theory behind product-market fit, user experience and design, but putting it together and getting into the nitty-gritty for the company is stagnating and boring. Maybe I just need to work at a company I'm more passionate about, but I can't help but think I'm also just not cut out for the cog in a wheel system.
I would really like to start my own company, but I don't have any good ideas worth pursuing. How did you know your idea was worth it? If you don't mind, I'd love to know what big problem you're solving with your company. Could you point me in the right direction? Which startup programs should I look into? I know about Y Combinator, but they're quite competitive and honestly a bit intimidating.
<3 <3 I'll leave the exact company and problem a mystery for now but! I think it's GREAT that you're already a product designer. You have what it takes. I focus less on ideas (they're a dime a dozen) and more on problems. If you knew you couldn't fail, what problems would you like to solve in the world? Then work through thinking about solutions for those problems -- this way, if the solution doesn't work, it's okay because you still have the problem to fall back on. But don't start a company just to start a company -- they're actually really hard and a lot of bullshit, nearly impossible to love and keep at unless you believe in the mission itself more than anything. I did YCombinator -- I think they rejected me four or five times before we finally got in. Another "success" that was actually painful failure many times firs, lol. But there's tons of accelerators out there.
I love all of (yc founder) Paul Graham's essays for more existential startup stuff. Here's one that pertains to your questions:
Thank you so much for all your help!! I hope that I was able to help you as well <3 Take care and good luck, you'll find the one soon enough I'm sure of it!!
All this they and them...you only need one. One who adores you as you are and you have fun and good sex and shared values and loyalty. That's what makes a marriage. Female friends (and possibly male friends whom you are not hoping for more with) and your own interests fulfill your life. NEVER just the zebra. (We once called them Martians, read about them). It's what the movies don't tell you. Thank you, Polly!
Heather, I've been reading you for years and this piece made me sign up just so I could write a response.
I've been the woman pleading and negotiating with men most of my life. Please love me, do it like this, let me help you sort yourself out so you can see how wonderful I am and love me. You get the theme.
This is what happens when you grow up with a mother who loves you very intermittently and takes an interest in your company only when downloading her problems. Yes to therapy and lots of it.
Still, why not me? Seems like a relevant question until one peeks inside these men who know so little of themselves. To your point, they don't fucking know.
Something about turning 50 shifted important things in me. I just can't ponder what is happening in them anymore. I don't know, it's not up to me, and all I want is to take them at face value. Isn't life less fraught this way? Accept, sometimes enjoy, and swim on.
You say to make your life bigger and I am mid-stream. My life is so precious now. I dive in each day because I'm selfish and it's all for me. No negotiating or convincing or even being so charming! I can't be denied. They can deny me now and I'm barely paying attention.
I want to tell you I loved this piece and I think I'm there.
Sooo much goodness in this post. Polly, you’ve outdone yourself!
1. Thank you for validating my late 30-ies brain hobby. It’s wildly entertaining for imagination, it sparks creativity.. and it was a tiny bit tinged with shame as I’m married also. Well, not ashamed anymore.
2. Zebra analogy. I LOVE zebras! They are utterly fascinating. Problem is that me jumping headfirst into their pen and doting over their stripes with unbridled enthusiasm (even if it’s innocent) seems to be spooking them a bit. Ooops.😑
I’m deeply curious about proper zebra handling. You’ve given lots of great examples but I must admit - I’d love to read more.
Somewhat devastated by this, since I've been screwing it up for 30 years and as recently as the other day. Just to clarify: this also applies to men you *are* in a relationship with, who love you and respect you and comfort and satisfy you--if in the grip of some emotion incomprehensible to them should you not say, "Could you do [x] to help *me* feel loved and heard?" Or is that OK as long as you skip the step of trying to explain how you feel (make them *actually* hear and understand you), because they'll feel horrible that they can't?
Heather you just performed the Double-Triple Havrilesky Spin Flip---you leapt between decades, genders, personas and landed on you feet at the end. A marvel!
Yes! I've just read this for maybe the 5th time (sometimes a girl needs repeated reminders of these things), and I keep on thinking, "do people even know what a marvel this really is?" I've always admired your writing, but this one in particular -- what a feat! sometimes when something is done so well, you can't even see all the things the writer did to make it that way, until you go back & read it again. And then it becomes an even greater marvel, because you can now see all of the maneuvers & shifts & connections. it's kinda like watching a ballerina do a series of foutee turns. they look so effortless, but when you actually look at all that's happening in it, it's just like whoah, incredible.
"Sometimes surrounding yourself with hot men who won’t fuck you is just another way of procrastinating what you really want to do with your life. You’ve created a compelling distraction for yourself. Maybe you’re afraid of the future. There’s something you want much more than a man, but the stakes are too high. Maybe you love the escape of filling your head with hotness at the exact moment in your life when you should be herding your truest desires in some worthwhile direction."
GODDAMMIT.
You're wonderful x
Yep, that's it, that's the wooden sign for this week
The whole fucking post is the wooden sign for this week. Polly, license that zebra painting and sell it as a T-shirt: Grateful Ask Polly Reader as the caption.
Ken, what I wanted was an *app* that makes words *look like a wooden sign* so I can put all of the dumb catchphrases I write into a WOODEN SIGN IMAGE. Because... okay I have no excuse for this.
This
Well, this gave me a visceral flashback to my most painfully single days when I tried it on with many of my (hot, funny, intelligent!) male friends. Hey, we get on great and I'm horny/afraid I'll be alone forever so obviously we should fool around! So casual, no problems, what's the big deal?? Hahaha. Ha.
Thank God they all awkwardly turned me down. We would never have made each other happy long-term or even short-term. Yeesh. That became pretty obvious when I met more suitable dating partners, but it's still a lot of hindsight talking there. Dating sucks!
As an inveterate lover of dudes I don't think it's easy to stop taking every whiff of attraction you feel seriously, but you can definitely stop taking men's opinions of female attractiveness seriously. I'm also reminded of an old Ask Polly where she compares men to a bichon frise instead of zebras but the analogy holds - who cares about the opinions of men you don't actually want to get with? That's like caring about the opinions of zebras/livestock/passing dogs. There will always be more hot men because men are hot and they're all over the place, being hot, doing hot things. Sometimes they just take their shirts off for no fucking reason! How are you supposed take that seriously? I love my collection of hot sexy male friends very much, but if I needed them to find me equally sexy out loud we'd never be able to co-exist in peace.
(Watching every Tina-centric episode of Bob's burgers has been very validating btw)
I might tack this on the wall: "There will always be more hot men because men are hot and they're all over the place, being hot, doing hot things."
"Sometimes they just take their shirts off for no fucking reason! How are you supposed take that seriously?" is what's going on my wall! LOL
I almost screamed when I read the zebra line. I'm 28 and for 2,5 years now i've been working in a group of — mostly married, middle-aged — men. So your wisdom is something I learnt through sitting in a petting zoo daily, bad smell, snacks and all. It really changed the way I think about men and relationships and also makes me feel grateful to be bisexual despite living in a homophobic hellhole (eastern Europe btw but men is the same here). I love your writing here! It's my lunch brake so I'm off to get some cake with the zebras now.
Polly, I have been reading you for literal decades now, and I confess that when I started this particular missive, I felt a brief flash of despair. Not guys giving off mixed signals again! Have we really nurtured yet another generation of smart, sensitive women who want love and sex and therefore have to devote 80 percent of their considerable brainpower trying to figure out how to get them? When are we going to reach the point where our smart, sensitive women are sending you letters like, "I'm the CEO of a major multinational and my ambitious and kind-of-evil CFO is maneuvering to get me dismissed because I referred to him as 'fuckpants' during a board meeting, and Polly, the thing is, he really is a fuckpants and we all know it."
But then you turn around and answer the question so skillfully I simultaneously wish I could transmit that knowledge back to myself two decades ago and realize that this is how you clear the mental bandwidth to be ambitious and accomplished and wildly yourself. So if you're wondering what you did to gain another paying subscriber today, well, it was exactly that.
Awwww, thank you for this!! I'm glad I won you over. I had about a year there where I kept saying: Boyfriend trouble? Nope. Man stuff? Mens? Mandibles? No, thank you! Now I'm enjoying it again. Love this post and thank you for subscribing, also. Very appreciated!
I'm currently in a phase of "Oh look - hot men in the wild!!!"...but I then remember "don't feed the animals!" because once they're up close they are oddly smelly and you realize you prefer to see them from the safety of your land rover while sipping a cocktail in your fabulous safari hat.
Love the zoo metaphor. In my journal I wrote about myself as a little bird flying around trying to get attention from giraffe, monkeys, and so forth. It was fun to write and certainly makes me not want take dating so terribly seriously! 🐦
Polly,
Thank you SO much for writing back to me. It feels sacrilegious to respond to your response but I’ll indulge myself.
The hard part is that all of this relationship stuff actually is my dream. I already went to my dream school and have a close-to dream job, doing very meaningful work. To the commenter below who wishes you got more letters from CEOs, ironically, you just read one. But that part of my life, those questions, always work themselves out, you know? I always feel like I have time and am laid back about it because it’s not the creamy part of the caramel cow tail of life anyway.
My real dream is to have a great relationship; a loving family life with lots of kids. I am obsessed with babies and love -- I almost became a pediatrician. I find life so sweet, fun, and deep when I’m in a romantic relationship, and so joyful when I hold a friend's baby in my arms, that it's all I can think about. So basic and mammalian of me, I know! (PS - unfortunately I also love having sex with men way much to date a woman).
I do want a happy guy who appreciates life but I also want someone who has been through some shit and understands how important an outlook of gratitude and optimism is. Someone who wants to talk and laugh all the time but also help others and be emotional and think deeply with me. I’m stuck on your analysis that the happiest men are simple -- mostly because I think it might be true, and it worries me. When I’m not into a guy, it’s usually because I don’t find him complex or smart or playful enough to keep me challenged and engaged. But maybe I’ll always be the one to carry the conversation.
The size 2 thing is probably a byproduct of other characteristics these men want. When it comes to long conversations, a daily text buddy, a person to share their feelings with, and more, it’s me. But for a partner, they want someone who will run and bike and ski and camp and surf with them; an “adventure buddy” to accompany them on their backpacking trips and never be the cause of missing a weekend on the mountains. My ex (an ultra marathon gold medalist, among other things) told me that I was the woman he wanted to come home to, and it didn’t matter that we were different, until...it did.
Which is to say, I do love myself but it gets hard when it feels like the person I am may be at odds with what men want -- I know I don’t exist in a vacuum.
I wish I knew how to treat my love life like other aspects of my life that *do* always work out, even when the timeline for this one makes me panic. I analyze myself through the eyes of men because it feels like it’s their approval of me that will ultimately determine whether I get the thing I most want in life: them!
Anyway, thank you so much again for everything and I love you to pieces. <3
Forget about the men, I want to know all about your job!! You sound like you're living the lottery of life. The CEO of a dream company, AND you studied at a dream school, AND you're a woman, AND you've got time for lots of friendships? Forget about the men! Do you know how many women (and men) out there want to be you?
I'm nowhere as successful as you are, but as a woman that's not doing too bad with meeting men (and have had my share of encounters with complex men), maybe I can give you some advice. You're clearly a great catch, so you should start thinking and acting like it. I think when people have trouble finding a partner, it's generally a sign that they're not searching in the right places. You know, I think the problem is that men are wired a bit differently. A complex woman will often turn into someone very ambitious, hard-working, and relationship-oriented. A complex man will usually turn into someone very ambitious, hard-working, and self-oriented. Seems like your aversion to simple men is what's blocking your path. You know what? Just give it a try. Lean into a friendship with them, lean into them liking you more than you like them, be honored and graced in their presence. Treat them well and think of them kindly. I promise you this is the answer. You'll find men lining up at your door in no time if you give them a chance. A simple man not bogged down by his own complexity will be far more interested in getting to know you, and there's way more of them out there anyway. You'll get to choose the one you like, out of way more of them!
I hope that advice helped. Now, can we talk about your job? (Jokes.) No but seriously, what do you do? I would love to know this dream job because I didn't even know such a thing genuinely existed. I thought all jobs were horrible and sucked the passion and joy out of whatever it is you once enjoyed. Hahaha sorry I just had to ask, because I'm pretty much on the exact opposite side of the coin. Any insight or advice would be deeply appreciated. Cheers! :)
Thank you for your feedback -- definitely something for me to consider and something I've gone back and forth on. I remember Polly once saying that settling for guys who are just “good enough” is actually detrimental to *all* parties and that has stuck with me, but I'm sure there are a lot of nuances there.
As for the job stuff - I guess I have a lot of questions for YOU! What do you do now? What do you want to be doing? Is it that you're doing something you like but the amount of "doing" it takes at an actual job burns you out or that you wish you were doing something else or you don't know what that thing is?
To talk about success, I have to talk about failure and luck. First, I didn’t actually get into what I thought was my dream school at the time. But I got wait-listed at MIT and eventually got in. This was kind of odd as I was nowhere near valedictorian of my high school class and got a decent amount of Bs and a couple Cs. A major contributor to getting in was some research I did in high school. I did the research because I was really passionate about a particular microbiology topic but I grew up in a small town where my high school bio teacher refused to let me do the project and told me to ask someone at the local college. When I asked the one microbiology professor at said college, she told me, verbatim, that the idea was stupid and wouldn’t work. So I got out the phone book and called her one other colleague at his house. LOL. I still remember lying on the floor for an hour crying about how I didn’t want to call this stranger at his house because he was going to turn me down and also it was such a weird thing to. But he didn’t, and that research went on to win a bunch of awards nationally and when I got wait-listed, one of the people I met while presenting my research at a national conference wrote me a letter of recommendation, and...yeah. I also wrote a four page impassioned letter to the dean of admissions, but I digress.
Then while I was at MIT, I was definitely one of the ...not-as-conventionally-smart people there, to put it lightly. I failed classes -- the memory of which still hurts today. But I went to every office hour, studied constantly, found cheap tutors, and jgenerally worked my ass off and ended up graduating with a good GPA. I also loooooved college and the people I met more than anything, which helped.
I was going to be a doctor but then my brother died of cancer (after a five year horrific battle) and I felt like I couldn’t go directly into medicine because it made me too sad. So I started a company instead in a space I was really passionate about, solving a big problem I really cared about solving. That wasn’t a straight path to victory either. It took us five years to finally start to achieve some of my early vision and it’s been another four years executing on that, while a simpler consumer product we built brings in a lot of revenue to fund the bigger picture vision. In order to do all of this, I’ve had to raise a lot of money from investors who are used to funding men (2% of venture funding goes to women :-|). We now have helped many thousands of people and have 50+ investors but have been rejected hundreds of times. And when I say “we” I mean, me, personally, because I’m the one who fundraises. :D Every single one hurt like hell.
I could literally write an entire book about all of the failing that’s happened on this road to “success” but I’ll stop there. The point is that when you care enough, you can usually figure out a way to make it happen. But resources and luck do matter. My parents paid for college. They also gave me a few thousand dollars so I could spend time (working on) writing a book after my brother died and I was enveloped in grief. When I got into a startup program across the country, I had a friend who let me sleep on her floor so I could attend. When commuting 3h/day got too hard, I happened to sit next to an old couple on a flight who, when I told them about my commute, told me I could come live at their house for free for 3 months. I worried they were serial killers but...they weren’t, and I did, and it made a huge difference when we were getting started and had no money. More good luck.
ANYWAY - I believe in you. Just don’t be afraid to fail a bunch -- that’s usually a good sign you’re on the right track.
Okay, you are fucking amazing, and I hope you see that as clearly as we all can.
I don't want to devalue your wish for a partner and a family, because those things are important, too. I think maybe I'm just mad at the idea of all these men in your life, whatever their own accomplishments, don't see that you're something very, very special.
I also want to say, from my lofty middle-aged vantage point, that you're only 33. In my experience, very few of my smart, ambitious, creative women friends have launched a romantic relationship that was built for the long haul until they were in their 30s (including me, and let me tell you, I had stopped believing it would happen for me until it suddenly did).
I wish you every, every happiness.
Awwww thank you so much <3 This makes me feel so much better. You're the best. THANK YOU!
Wow, you are amazing! Brilliant, persistent, courageous. Definitely don’t settle for any old zebra.
I think what Polly meant by not settling is that you shouldn't settle for traits that are objectively bad, like laziness, dishonesty, self-centeredness, stubbornness, immaturity, etc. Nothing wrong with simple, but there are a lot of different types of simple. For example do you want to be with someone who's a go-getter, or someone who lets you take the lead more? Do you want to be with someone with lots of energy or someone more chill? More adventurous or more grounded? etc. A simple man might not be able to fully understand the depths of the stresses you've been through, but they'll do their best to be there for you and that's really all you need. If you do need more than that though, therapists are the way to go. And also, that's what your girlfriends are for too haha!
And thanks so much for responding to my question! Your journey is incredible! Wow I'm in awe at how strong you are. I can see I clearly need to be comfortable taking way more risks and dive into things deeper than just surface level, you seem so passionate and I can tell that's what lead you to your success :)
I worked as a product designer, but always ended up being dissatisfied with the work eventually. I love the theory behind product-market fit, user experience and design, but putting it together and getting into the nitty-gritty for the company is stagnating and boring. Maybe I just need to work at a company I'm more passionate about, but I can't help but think I'm also just not cut out for the cog in a wheel system.
I would really like to start my own company, but I don't have any good ideas worth pursuing. How did you know your idea was worth it? If you don't mind, I'd love to know what big problem you're solving with your company. Could you point me in the right direction? Which startup programs should I look into? I know about Y Combinator, but they're quite competitive and honestly a bit intimidating.
<3 <3 I'll leave the exact company and problem a mystery for now but! I think it's GREAT that you're already a product designer. You have what it takes. I focus less on ideas (they're a dime a dozen) and more on problems. If you knew you couldn't fail, what problems would you like to solve in the world? Then work through thinking about solutions for those problems -- this way, if the solution doesn't work, it's okay because you still have the problem to fall back on. But don't start a company just to start a company -- they're actually really hard and a lot of bullshit, nearly impossible to love and keep at unless you believe in the mission itself more than anything. I did YCombinator -- I think they rejected me four or five times before we finally got in. Another "success" that was actually painful failure many times firs, lol. But there's tons of accelerators out there.
I love all of (yc founder) Paul Graham's essays for more existential startup stuff. Here's one that pertains to your questions:
http://paulgraham.com/startupideas.html#:~:text=While%20the%20best%20way%20to,turns%20out%20to%20be%20bad.
Thank you so much for all your help!! I hope that I was able to help you as well <3 Take care and good luck, you'll find the one soon enough I'm sure of it!!
All this they and them...you only need one. One who adores you as you are and you have fun and good sex and shared values and loyalty. That's what makes a marriage. Female friends (and possibly male friends whom you are not hoping for more with) and your own interests fulfill your life. NEVER just the zebra. (We once called them Martians, read about them). It's what the movies don't tell you. Thank you, Polly!
Love this so much. Thank you.
omg now i have an ignored baby reading nietzsche to zebras! for the love of ...loving myself— life is suddenly making sense.
Heather, I've been reading you for years and this piece made me sign up just so I could write a response.
I've been the woman pleading and negotiating with men most of my life. Please love me, do it like this, let me help you sort yourself out so you can see how wonderful I am and love me. You get the theme.
This is what happens when you grow up with a mother who loves you very intermittently and takes an interest in your company only when downloading her problems. Yes to therapy and lots of it.
Still, why not me? Seems like a relevant question until one peeks inside these men who know so little of themselves. To your point, they don't fucking know.
Something about turning 50 shifted important things in me. I just can't ponder what is happening in them anymore. I don't know, it's not up to me, and all I want is to take them at face value. Isn't life less fraught this way? Accept, sometimes enjoy, and swim on.
You say to make your life bigger and I am mid-stream. My life is so precious now. I dive in each day because I'm selfish and it's all for me. No negotiating or convincing or even being so charming! I can't be denied. They can deny me now and I'm barely paying attention.
I want to tell you I loved this piece and I think I'm there.
Sooo much goodness in this post. Polly, you’ve outdone yourself!
1. Thank you for validating my late 30-ies brain hobby. It’s wildly entertaining for imagination, it sparks creativity.. and it was a tiny bit tinged with shame as I’m married also. Well, not ashamed anymore.
2. Zebra analogy. I LOVE zebras! They are utterly fascinating. Problem is that me jumping headfirst into their pen and doting over their stripes with unbridled enthusiasm (even if it’s innocent) seems to be spooking them a bit. Ooops.😑
I’m deeply curious about proper zebra handling. You’ve given lots of great examples but I must admit - I’d love to read more.
Somewhat devastated by this, since I've been screwing it up for 30 years and as recently as the other day. Just to clarify: this also applies to men you *are* in a relationship with, who love you and respect you and comfort and satisfy you--if in the grip of some emotion incomprehensible to them should you not say, "Could you do [x] to help *me* feel loved and heard?" Or is that OK as long as you skip the step of trying to explain how you feel (make them *actually* hear and understand you), because they'll feel horrible that they can't?
"But surely this one will understand," I think every time; "how could I have chosen someone who wouldn't understand?" I think you've explained how.
Because you chose a zebra. It's neither good nor bad, just is.